Hello friends. Today I'm going to share some misunderstandings about sociopathic and malignant narcissist parents that their children understand too well. These wrong notions are perpetuated by religion, society and even psychology itself. And they have been used by narcissists to shield themselves from being held accountable for their actions. But ask any child of a narcissistic parent and you'll get a clearer picture. I'm talking about the idea that narcissists, and specifically narcissistic parents, lack a conscience, or empathy. That this makes them unable to know right from wrong.
As the child of four narcissistic parents, I disagree that they lack a moral compass or conscience. They just choose to ignore it. And so, like any other unused thing, it gets rusty. It's like the muscles you don't exercise not developing and so not functioning properly. I will accept that sociopathic and malignant narcissists in their arrogance, don't act according to their conscience. And that they get so used to ignoring it that they suffocate it. I believe also that being deceitful, arrogant and exploitative by nature, narcissists convince themselves that they are ubermensch, above ordinary rules of human interaction.
But the idea that they don't know right from wrong? No. That I will never accept. Because I know, from experience, that they know full well, the difference between good and evil. I know because my selfish, conceited parents held me to very rigid double standards of moral behavior. My parents were self-righteous and felt fully justified about preaching ad nauseum about how the Bible said other people were supposed to act. While in the same breath, declaring their right to do these same things.
I think what narcissists don't get is that yes, there's a god but He's not them. But even this is not down to some ability they lack to see themselves correctly. People aren't born with superiority complexes. They aren't born being manipulative or Machiavellian. They nurture these traits by repeatedly shutting down any contradictions, including their own inner voice warning them against their pride and prompting them to be humble.
I will also accept that malignant sociopathic narcissist parents bend rules to suit themselves. They invert right and wrong so that wrong becomes right for them to do if they choose. And then, by extension, wrong is right for their scapegoat child in that she must tolerate and live by their double standards. She must acknowledge their abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, manipulation, parentification, triangulation, bullying, invalidation, scapegoating of her as right and proper. So right is wrong for her and wrong is right for them. Confused? Welcome to my life.
But again, this flip-flopping double standard they live by is not a by-product of any inability to know right from wrong. Their delusions of grandeur may blind them but it is a willful blindness. Else how would they be able to articulate so clearly rules for their children? Especially religious narcissists who have a holy book, on top of general mores of society, to guide them. They know what is expected behavior. They simply don't follow it. And actually, having said that, it's not that simple.
Because malignant narcissist parents don't just balls-out disobey rules of morality. Well, yes some they do. Some they actually flaunt. Like my Bible-beating mother openly living in sin (as she would call it for anyone but herself, her boyfriend and her golden child). But a lot of common right and wrong issues they muddy and convolute. They tweak societal norms to give the appearance of complying while blatantly defying them. Like sending their little kids out to wander alone when no one was watching but talking a big show of being a concerned, caring parent in public.
They also cut and paste with scripture injunctions taking them out of context and twisting them to make it look like the Bible supports their extra special rights. It doesn't. This is just creative writing on their part. They also start in immediately grooming their child to follow their very much edited version of reality, right and wrong. They present their faces to her as God and because the first God a child knows is her parents, she just accepts their wrong as right.
For example, they browbeat her about how she owes honor to her parents. But they snip out all references to their duties and obligations their child. And then they further twist this command to include anyone they shove on her as parent, including their very abusive, unfit, unloving new partners who aren't jack shit to the child let alone being parents. They weed out scripture's very clear admonishment against divorce and just carelessly blow their kid's world to bits, telling her it's all cool with God. And they shut down and dismiss her concerns, calling her selfish for wondering how the divorce will affect her and too sensitive for being sad that they blew her world up. And they guilt her with gaslighting nonsense about how "lucky" she is because theirs is a "good divorce" and how some kids have it so much worse. (!) And then they get mad because the child is too young to understand and so she asks whether grandma and grandpa will still be her grandparents. They don't prioritize her but she sure as hell better prioritize them. And because the kid is so little she just, again, accepts their perverted version of truth. Then they leave the child to deal with all the divorce fallout alone.
Narcissist parents also omit the fact that they are to honor their parents and don't. They disregard, dismiss and denigrate their loving, Godly parents right and left. They punish their parents for calling out their bad behavior towards the child. But the child is so conditioned to believe they are always right, she doesn't question this until she out of their cult, if ever. She just accepts their wrong as right. And they accept this as their due, as her deities.
Does all this sound like the behavior of poor innocent lambs who don't know any better or malevolent wolves who know damn well what they are doing? Yeah, my money's on the wolves, too. And, does it also sound to you like these wolves who would stoop to such low treatment of their child wouldn't also stoop to weaponizing anything to excuse it? Absolutely they would. Which brings me to one of my concerns about psychology, society and religion labeling them as being without conscience rather than purposely choosing to ignore it.
While they're flying high on the narcissistic supply they get from lying, twisting, deceiving, scapegoating and rewriting reality, and everyone just accepting, they're fine. BUT whenever someone questions their behavior, watch out. Because a wounded narcissist is more dangerous than a Wendigo. They will do ANYTHING, exploit ANYONE, punish EVERYONE to protect their carefully crafted fake reality. They will blame shift and kick anyone under the bus. Been there, been kicked. And they will definitely weaponize any theory that seems to exonerate them of culpability.
Which the theory that they lack empathy and remorse would suit perfectly. It's not their fault they act so ruthlessly, vindictively and hurtfully. They can't help it. It's just how God made them. And shame on you for holding them accountable for their actions. Actually, while they think of it, how dare you because they're FORGIVEN by God anyway. Oh and their problem was always their child all along. So they are exempt from any repercussion no matter how you slice it.
Of course real people can see past their smokescreen. We can see the hypocrisy (or well, now I can). We can see the loopholes they've knitted for themselves. We also know that even if they do have a disorder, it's not a carte blanche to indulge it. People with real disorders can't use this as an excuse to hurt people. They are still accountable for their actions regardless of any lack of remorse they may have. But that's not how they would see it. To them, a disorder would just be further reason to hurt people and insulation against consequences.
Do you see how dangerous it would be if we just put a dark tetrad narcissist's actions down to some kind of birth defect? They would take that and run with it. I know because my narcissistic parents have done this all their lives. That's one reason I've never identified them as having NPD or anti-social disorder. I'll call them narcissists all day long but I won't give them a disorder diagnosis to brandish about. Think of all the harm they would do with that. It would be yet another tool in my mother's and stepmother's Munchhausen toolbox. And my dad would have just leveraged it to further shame and blame me. My mom's husband doesn't need another thing to beat me with. None of them do/did.
They would also not cease finger-pointing at others for doing wrong either. In fact this would just make them even more self-righteous and hypocritical. Because THEY have valid reason to be evil while others just choose to. They would use having a psychological condition as a license to carry on with their horrible behavior. And with God's Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval to boot. See they were right all along. They are entitled to special God-granted privileges. Because poor them, they can't help being this way and how insensitive of their daughter not to see that they are the injured parties here. And further, God expects their scapegoat child to take on herself any problems they caused.
For people not affected, this is just a rhetorical exercise. For those of us who child victims of narcissist parents, it is a matter of life and death. Death of our souls, selves and entire beings.
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