Hello my friends. Whew, we've been through some rugged terrain together, on this blog, for the past year or so. I'm working to heal CPTSD from sociopathic narcissist dark tetrad parent abuse. And the deeper I go the worse it gets. So I'm appreciative of anyone who holds space for me, as I would hold space for you in your trauma. What does that mean?
Google AI says that "To hold space for someone means to provide non-judgmental support, creating a safe and present environment for them to experience their emotions, process their thoughts, and find their own solutions, rather than trying to fix, advise, or minimize their situation." For me, the most important parts of holding space are NON-JUDGEMENTAL and WITHOUT MINIMIZING.
All too often, traumatized adult children (adults who live with memories of childhood trauma, or CPTSD) are subjected, by society, to the very things that their abusive parent perpetrators did to cause the problems. All too often they are shamed, ridiculed, invalidated, scolded, humiliated and mocked FOR BEING TRAUMATIZED. Let's just let THAT treachery marinate a bit. Horrible experiences are downplayed and deceitfully manipulated, why I don't know. And the abused child is gaslit about it all. In the name of caring concern (we'll add that hypocrisy to the marinating stew).
We poor shell-shocked kids of dark tetrad narcissist parents are conned into thinking that these invalidating flying monkeys are "well-meaning" and "just trying to help" and (worst of all) "Godly advisors." If that's not a case of wolf dressed as lamb, I don't know what is. We absorb all their smug pontification, dismissing of our pain and twisted manipulation as validation that our abusers were right abuse us We believe that it's God's plan for us to be destroyed. Their gaslighting drips in our ears like poison. All their "Christian kindness" slowly kills us in a death by a thousand "well-meant" cuts.
So don't listen to these poison drippers. If what they are saying feels invalidating, trust that it is. Especially if they say things like, "I don't mean to pooh-pooh, but" know they're pooh-poohing. Or "I'm going to be brutally honest" and "tell you things everyone's thinking but no one else will". Oh hell no, they're just brutal, like your dark tetrad parents. And they don't speak for "everyone" else. Avoid that idiotic, gaslighting generalization like the plague. They're just sadists getting off on your suffering.
Have nothing to do with these people. Get out of their presence before they can do you more harm. Don't JADE (justify, answer, defend or explain). Just excuse yourself and get the actual out of Dodge. Don't ruminate on whether they meant well, or were just trying to help. I don't care if they're church friends who proclaim to be Christian. You can wear a white coat and stethoscope but it doesn't make you a doctor. All that matters is that they are hurting you and you need to be safe.
BUT those who will sit with us in our pain, who will gently, genuinely and lovingly hold space for us, those are our helpers. Their care is authentic and so it feels genuine. They're not getting some cheap thrill or self-righteous narcissistic supply at our expense. They are patiently, humbly, lovingly and supportively holding space so we can find our Tao. They have no grandiose delusion about being able to "fix us." They don't feel superior and holier-than-thou compared to our vulnerable inferiority.
In fact, they recognize that we are neither frail nor weak nor inferior at all but may actually be warriors. That our suffering and pain has refined us and made us bigger, better people. Now, don't hear what I'm not saying. Our suffering never was and never will be good. It was never God's plan for deviant, degenerate narcissist parents to harm us. BUT because we traumatized kids were able to turn it around for good. We became wounded healers. And those who hold space for us are in turn helping to heal our wounds.
If you need someone to hold space for you, let me be that person. If you know someone struggling, please, hold space, without judgement for them. Thank you on behalf of all traumatized kids.
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