How I lost 100 pounds by going toe to toe with toxic shame

Hello friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs. In keeping with my Happy Heart February weight loss challenge, I've been unpacking a lot of emotional health issues related to weight gain. 

Toxic shame and chronic guilt have been in my life for as long as I can remember. Starting in childhood and continuing in adulthood and marriage, I've taken too much on myself and not made others responsible for their part. I've felt guilty for things I had no part in. I've been ashamed of others' behavior as if it were my own. It's so out of control that I'm haunted by dreams of having done terrible things I haven't done. This constant oppression exhausts my resources and I have behaved in ways I shouldn't. But, while being able to forgive others readily, without being asked, I cannot forgive myself. And it just keeps spiraling down. 

Just recently, I began to really look toxic shame in the face. I recently posted about how I'm listening to the voices in my head and it's helping me understand how false and deceitful they are. I always thought that my dreams were from God, trying to get me to see some error of my ways. God, for me, has always been very punitive. Our priest suggested that these dreams may not be from God but from the devil, trying to turn me on myself. This makes sense as I've always struggled with that toxic shame, self-hatred and even self-harm. And the devil is the father of lies. 

In going toe to toe with the toxic shame and voices in my head, I'm  seeing how they've been gaslighting me into a very distorted self-image. That I'm responsible for others' problems, that it's my job to fix everyone, that I'll always fail and must be shamed and beaten into submission to avoid harming anyone. 

So I've been creating safe spaces (more on that later) to meditate on what these voices in my head are really saying.  I cover it in prayer so that the devil, who is very convincing, can't pull me back in. I've been considering where all this toxic shame and chronic guilt stems. I realize that, beginning very young, a fragile house of cards was constructed in my mind, built on lies, exploitation, manipulation, abuse, neglect, cover-ups and gaslighting. 

These have caused a false reality in which to be burdened with inappropriate expectations and responsibilities was normal, healthy and God's will. Where bizarre situations and behaviors of adults were normal and I was the abnormal one if I questioned. As a child, I couldn't do much about it. And as it was done by adults who were supposed to love me, I didn't question. 

Now, with the eyes of an adult (and a parent myself) I have been examining these beliefs and practices. I ask myself, would I consider these things safe and healthy? Would I do or allow these to be done, to a child? Would I expect this of a child? And the answer is almost always, NO! It is not right for them and it wasn't right for me. 

By shining the light of reality on this illusory house of cards I was forced to live in, it topples. Truth shows up my experiences for the dangerous, terrifying, deceitful, unhealthy, unsafe, abnormal, immoral and unnatural things they were. It exposes them as not appropriate or what God wanted for me, but manipulation, self-serving lies, exploitation, neglect and abuse. 

Even as I write this, the voices in my head are screaming. They're telling me I'm lying and exaggerating. That by breaking silence, I'm being disloyal and wicked. I fear that by not kowtowing to the shame and guilt. By saying that I don't always fail and sometimes do good, I'm being prideful. 

But the peace of God, that passes all understanding, is there too. For the first time in 59 years, I'm beginning to accept that what happened was not God's will. I'm learning that secrets that hurt should not be kept. It feels really strange. But I'm going to keep on keeping on, as Alanon says and that with practice, I'll come to a healthier understanding of what's mine and what  isn't my responsibility. 

How I'm dealing with shaming behaviors by trying something new

 Hello my friends. This blog is primarily about how I lost 100 pounds but it covers a lot of emotional and mental health territory that may not seem related to weight loss. That's because a large part of how I lost 100 pounds (without gastric bypass) had to do with losing chronic guilt and toxic shame. Earlier today I posted about some really painful memories of toxic shame and chronic guilt and how I am healing those. And just recently, I had an opportunity to put these into practice. 

My husband is a wonderful guy with some really annoying habits. One of which is to backpedal and "bait and switch" in conversations. I am a very compassionate person. An empath. When someone shares something with me that is upsetting to them, I dive in with my whole heart, to listen, comfort and help. 

His annoying habit, and it seems that he is playing on my empath nature when he does it, is to start a conversation, actually kind of a rant, about something at work, for example. I show care, by responding lovingly with affirmation of feeling, echoing and supporting his frustration, reflecting back what was said so he knows I'm hearing and empathizing. I do not do this in any kind of patronizing way. I know to avoid that because I'm an empathetic to how it feels when someone does it to me. 

But then, when I have responded, he will often backpedal and defend the person. Or he will say he doesn't get what I'm talking about when I affirm his frustration over an issue he has just been complaining about. I do this by rephrasing the problem, to show I understand his angst. Or I will wonder aloud why someone would act this way. Then he will, I feel purposely misunderstand me or play devil's advocate. Over something HE initiated a conversation (sic rant) over. 

He baits and switches by engaging my sympathies and then turning on me. This takes me back because I'm so wrapped up in feeling with him and for him. It thought we were on the same page. I was on the same page. It comes out of nowhere and feels a like a stab in the back. I'm confused and to find myself suddenly on the defensive. I didn't come prepared and am not wearing appropriate defensive armor for battle. 

Worst of all, he does it in an annoyed way, as I'm annoying him by being responsive!  It's so gaslighting. Being an empath plus having low self-esteem, I take it personally. I second guess myself, feel foolish, wondering what I'm misunderstanding or missing. I comb through everything I said, mentally, trying to find what I said to merit such a response. I'm vulnerable, being suddenly placed on the defensive with no explanation of why. 

In my anxiousness, I sometimes retort. Then he, being already irritable, snaps back at me. When I explain what I feel he says he did nothing wrong and can't understand why he's upset. He then, in an annoyed, patronizing way, apologizes for "upsetting me." But he's clearly angry and now, not just with the situation but with me. This "you statement" puts me even more on the defensive. I am not upset. I'm confused and frustrated. He's upsetting things by 1) starting a conversation while irritable 2) disrespecting me by not requesting, just expecting, me to listen 3) ranting  in the first place 4) backpedaling 5) devaluing my help and compassion 6) directing his anger with other situations, at me 6) being dismissive of my feelings 7) getting angry with me for being upset by his upsetting behavior and 8) making a passive-aggressive, shaming apology when he clearly feels I'm somehow in the wrong.

So today, when it happened again, I did make the mistake of showing my frustration. But then I added "don't talk to me about work anymore." I'm following it up by doing the hardest part of all, following through. When he sent me a pat on the head "sorry" text, I just said "okay" where normally I'd have swept it under the rug and accepted it as a real apology that it wasn't. 

When talk of frustrating situations comes up, I'm going to try staying cool and not getting involved. Hopefully this boundary will show that if he can't respect me for the good I give, I can respect myself. 

How I lost 100 pounds and guilt and shame by listening to the voices in my head

Hello friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs. This month's Happy Heart February weight loss challenge, we're exploring ways to not only lose weight but also chronic guilt and toxic shame from childhood. Today,  I'm losing chronic guilt and toxic shame by listening to the voices in my head. Really. 

When I talk about the voices in my head, I mean the negative, shaming messages that were said and implied, when I was younger. They autoplay continually. In sleep, they cause horrible dreams and when I'm awake, they drive my chronic guilt and toxic shame. They cause me to second-guess myself, they undermine my good works, distort my sense of self and sabotage my self-esteem and peace of mind. 

I'm so used to hearing these subconscious messages that I expect them. I try to ignore, but I can't because they are so pervasive and insidious. They disturb and unsettle me. They haunt me and cause me to be constantly looking over my shoulder in fear. It feels like being pursued by invisible enemies that is trying to destroy me. As others can't see them, it probably looks to the outside, that I'm making it up or faking. Or just acting really weird.

I found myself doing this just this morning, which prompted this blog post. But for once instead of ignoring or trying to, I listened to those voices in my head. I had opted not to go into work earlier and instead work later and I'd also missed several calls. The voices were accusing me of laziness, of making the wrong choices, of letting people down, of failing, of not doing my part. 

All were greatly exaggerated, not remotely true and not even applicable the situation. I realized that these voices question every single decision I make and the verdict is I'm always wrong. I'm damned if I do or don't. The voices tell me that they  have to micromanage everything I do because I can't be trusted. I don't just fail I AM failure. 

And I realized that these aren't just imaginary voices but memories. I was expected, as a child, to do the parents' work. I was expected to think and act like an adult while the adults immature, spoiled and selfish. I was expected to do others' work, to raise siblings and to fix whatever was wrong with everyone. I was given no guidance or good example. Nothing I did was good enough. I was accused of selfish and ulterior motives. The worst was always expected of me, blame assigned and if there was an issue between me and a family member no one ever took my side. 

So this sounds, to myself and I fear to you,  exaggerated and lying. That I'm making it up or "showing off" (something I heard a LOT). I see now that this is part of how people were able to gaslight and manipulate me. They had an answer for everything and it was always me in the wrong. I could never get ahead. I just had to knuckle under and keep trying. Ironically, the harder I tried the worse I was told that I failed. I was shunted from place to place and at age 16 I was evicted from my parents' home. My crime was to come home an hour late. 

Notice I said parents home. Because that's how it was presented to me. I did not have a home. I was allowed, very transactionally, to live with them. But I had to earn my place and what I had to do, to do that kept changing and getting more difficult. Rules were arbitrary and applied only to me. 

I apologize, but I'm going to end this blog post here because I am just emotionally exhausted with the memories. I'll write more about what I'm learning from all this, later. I love you all dearly, and ask that if any of this resonates with you, PLEASE, don't wait as long as I have to get help. 

Best Valentine's Day gifts for people on a diet: How I lost 100 pounds by redefining treats

 

Hello friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs. As part of my Happy Heart February weight loss challenge I'm looking at non-food Valentine's gifts. Because part of how I lost 100 pounds was by redefining treats. And I realize that the best Valentine's Day gifts are not food but self-care. Here are 6 Valentine's Day gifts in all price ranges for people on a diet.

Bath set: Some of my most peaceful, relaxed moments are spent in the bathtub. So give your loved one goodies to pamper themselves, for Valentine's Day. Fill a basket with scented body wash, body oil, bath brush, exfoliating treatments, back pillow and even a tray for book and teacup. 

Personal care items: Guys, if you're like mine, you buy the cheapest of cheap in personal care. I mean, God love you for frugality, but you deserve better. I'm loving the increasing range of options for men, in personal care. Beard oil, body spray, moisturizers, fancy shave lotions, aftershave, nice quality razors. Trust me, once you go from two-blade to 3, 4 or 5, you'll never go back. And your skin will thank you. For Valentines' Day gifts for men, get him 4-blade razors, moisturizing body wash and shaving products like Cremo (it smells soooo sexy, too!) 

Books: explore books on your loved one's interest list. Check out Thriftbooks for secondhand. I've found many of my husband's beloved children's books there. And for ebooks and audio recordings, Hoopla is free to download on your phone. 

Pets: Adopt a new pet for your Valentine. I adopted these two kitty boys shown in the picture, for my husband's birthday. His mother and our cat Scooter had both passed away on previous birthdays and so this was a difficult time for him. Moishe and Mordecai have made what was a sad time, happy! (and very silly!)

Games: When we were dating, in the early 80s, my now-husband and I didn't have much money for dates. So we played games, favorites being Chinese Checkers, Uno and Scattergories. We've amassed a huge collection of board games and have even been able to find games from childhood, like King Oil, Dealer's Choice, old Clue, Careers, Forest Friends and Waterworks on eBay. 

Love coupons: I made these with the kids years ago and they never fail to please. Make coupons redeemable for one morning to sleep in, a free car wash or a night off doing the dishes. 

If you follow this blog, you know that I often reference the gastric bypass reality show "My 600-lb Life." One problem that comes up with every patient on "My 600-lb Life" is that treats must be junk food and comfort only comes from eating. Rethinking what is actually a treat, was a major part of how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight  loss drugs. 

How I lost 100 pounds by pulling my head out of the sand: Happy Heart February weight loss challenge

Hello my very dear friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs. Today, Groundhog Day I realized that part of how I lost 100 pounds was by pulling my head out of the ground. It fits right in with my Happy Heart February weight loss challenge, to lose weight but also toxic shame and chronic guilt. 

In past posts, I've shared about the toxicity I grew up with. And yes, it feels disloyal and wrong to admit that or talk about it. But I'm learning that the people who might say it's disloyal are the same ones perpetrating my toxic shame and guilt. To heal this broken heart of mine, I need to start being loyal to it first. If that means telling secrets, so be it. I need to share it. And to do that, I had to pull my head out of the sand of denial and accept that it had happened, that I wasn't imagining it. 

I mentioned loyalty. Abuse, neglect, exploitation, manipulation and parentification exist because of a misplaced loyalty to keep quiet what's happening. And that was taught by either not acknowledging that it was wrong or gaslighting me into thinking it was right and I was wrong. This cycle of silent abuse shanghaied my common sense and made me distrust myself. 

The first step to getting out of the quicksand is to admit you're stuck. Next is to get help. When I first began to pull my head out and open my eyes to what was actually going on (instead of the version I'd been given), my first response was disbelief. I'm so programmed to self-doubt that I don't dare trust even the evidence of my own senses.  Or even of others. When I tell my story, there is shock, disgust and even some horror, but no disbelief. People take me at my word and that helps me to start trusting myself. 

So what does this have to do with how I lost 100 pounds? If I can lose toxic shame and guilt, fear and self-doubt, dropping a few pounds is a cinch! Keeping toxic secrets weighs me down. Sharing, asking for help and trusting the right things, frees me. Confidence, self-respect, self-care are magic mojo pills. With them and the help of my Higher Power, I can do anything. 

Join me for more heart smart tips in this Happy Heart February! 

How I lost 100 pounds by talking back: Happy Heart February tips for weight loss and joy!

Hello friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs. This month, I'm sharing a Happy Heart February weight loss challenge. It's not so much about diet as healing heart hurts. If you've struggled with self-care or toxic shame and guilt, here are ways to heal that broken heart and create a happy one. 

We talked in the last post about how too much caring for others and not enough self-care destroys us. Recovery means growing skin to protect us from toxic shame, guilt, manipulation and exploitation. The first step is recognize how shame and guilt have broken down my ability to care for myself. Journaling and talking to a trusted friend or counselor helps. Verbalizing what happened and how it felt, helps lance the toxin stored in my wounded heart. 

I was raised to think it was a mortal sin to question the authority of the adults in my life. That talking back, "sassing", arguing and thinking for myself was wrong. The Bible was beaten to tell me that God expected me to obey them. And He does but not when they contradict Him. Not when they hurt, exploit or manipulate me. Not when they make me do things they won't do themselves. Not when I have to do as they say but not as they do. Those actions confuse, break and destroy. They are not of God. 

To heal, I NEED to argue with wrong messages, to talk back to the voices guilting and shaming me. To contradict the notion that God expects me to take care of others but not me. I need to question hypocrisy, deceit and self-serving manipulation and exploitation. I need to let God define for he expects of me and not let others' paraphrase for their own ends.   

If you have struggled with anything like this, you'll know what I mean when I say that if feels strange and wrong to do these things. Years of conditioning have trained me to knee-jerk self-doubt. But if I listen to God, I find reassurance that the old ways are not the right ones. And each time, it gets easier. 

You might wonder, as I do, how to separate wrong learning from right. Should I discard everything I was taught? How do I hold on to what's good while detaching from what's toxic? All good questions that we'll look at in the next post. 

How I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass: Happy Heart February Weight Loss Challenge

 Hello friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs. Each  month I issue a new weight loss challenge to help us all lose weight, maintain weight loss and just be healthier overall. This month is Happy Heart February weight loss challenge. 

I call this a "weight loss" challenge because many people come here to learn how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass and what they can do to lose weight. But I'm writing for anyone who wants to be healthier, regardless of weight. The things I share aren't just for people who are overweight. They can even help someone who wants to gain weight because a lot of what I focus on is mental health. 

In Happy Heart February we're going to explore how emotional health drives physical issues. I rounded out January with posts on self-care, or lack thereof, and its impact on obesity, weight loss, body image, self-image and much more. This month I'm looking at ways to care for our hearts, the inside feels ones as much as the pump ones. To do this I need to tell a two-part story. 

Part one:

I grew up neglected, exploited and manipulated by adults charged with protecting me. I didn't learn how to care for myself or even that I should. I have empath tendencies and that was capitalized on. I cared too much, too hard and too long for too many people and not enough for myself. I was worked like an  adult and parent. I now know this parentification is dangerous and inappropriate. Then, it was just doing my job. Obeying everyone was being the "good girl" God expected me to be. 

These and other guilt and shame tactics destroyed any ability I had to protect myself. I lived in constant  remorse, anxiety, shame and fear of failure. God was not loving but draconian taskmaster who expected little girls take everyone's crap. I was only worth what I could provide. That I had to earn basic necessities including love. Which, no matter how hard I tried I never achieved. 

Whether I was an empath or just a very easily guilted child, I don't know. But the result was the same. I've heard empaths described as having no skin. We lack a protective layer that separates us from the feelings, wants, needs and issues of others.  We don't know where others stop and we begin. We absorb others' toxicity into our cells, because we don't know that we shouldn't. And, in my case, were actually told that we should. We exist only to serve.  

We learn to ignore cues and warning messages from our mind, heart, body and soul, which God (the real one, not the fake one I knew) provides to keep us safe. We end up with "emotional leprosy" as our confused, damaged nerves no longer protect us from pain and injury. Our conflicted mind-heart  sabotages our health, peace, security and comfort. We die internally. 

So that's the heart-breaking first part. If any of this resonates, I'm so sorry. But the good news is that it doesn't end there. In part two, we explore ways to mend our broken hearts. To literally grow some skin to save us from the "slings and arrows" that are killing us. We'll consider ways to turn a wounded heart into a happy one. 

Stay tuned for more on how I lost 100 pounds and am finding peace of mind and joy of heart.