In past posts, I've shared about the toxicity I grew up with. And yes, it feels disloyal and wrong to admit that or talk about it. But I'm learning that the people who might say it's disloyal are the same ones perpetrating my toxic shame and guilt. To heal this broken heart of mine, I need to start being loyal to it first. If that means telling secrets, so be it. I need to share it. And to do that, I had to pull my head out of the sand of denial and accept that it had happened, that I wasn't imagining it.
I mentioned loyalty. Abuse, neglect, exploitation, manipulation and parentification exist because of a misplaced loyalty to keep quiet what's happening. And that was taught by either not acknowledging that it was wrong or gaslighting me into thinking it was right and I was wrong. This cycle of silent abuse shanghaied my common sense and made me distrust myself.
The first step to getting out of the quicksand is to admit you're stuck. Next is to get help. When I first began to pull my head out and open my eyes to what was actually going on (instead of the version I'd been given), my first response was disbelief. I'm so programmed to self-doubt that I don't dare trust even the evidence of my own senses. Or even of others. When I tell my story, there is shock, disgust and even some horror, but no disbelief. People take me at my word and that helps me to start trusting myself.
So what does this have to do with how I lost 100 pounds? If I can lose toxic shame and guilt, fear and self-doubt, dropping a few pounds is a cinch! Keeping toxic secrets weighs me down. Sharing, asking for help and trusting the right things, frees me. Confidence, self-respect, self-care are magic mojo pills. With them and the help of my Higher Power, I can do anything.
Join me for more heart smart tips in this Happy Heart February!
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