Hello my friends. Today in my journey to heal CPTSD from malignant narcissist parent abuse, I'm going to explore what might be one of the saddest issues. And that is the scorn and shaming victims of narcissist abuse all too frequently experience if they cut ties with their toxic family. And I don't mean just the shaming from the toxic family. I mean censure from outsiders who have no connection to you. Don't expect affirmation from society. Prepare for gaslighting if you go no contact with narcissist parents. Here's why and how.
Expect to be criticized for going low or no contact with toxic family. And not just from the people who always wag their fingers. Plan on pushback from extended family, friends, co-workers, your church, even psychologists. Because virtually nobody gets childhood trauma unless they've experienced it or are willing to be empathetic.
There's no framework for malignant narcissist parent abuse. People don't get childhood trauma caused by selfish parents because parents, by definition aren't. Or they're not supposed to be. Or the blind guides' parent weren't like that. So yet again, we traumatized kids don't fit. When we go no contact, we become the whistle blowers on it. We don't have to so anything. Just the fact that we're estranged, says it all. And society has no frame of reference. But it should. Because what people don't understand, they often attack. We don't do different well. So cue the gaslighting.
Gaslighting is real. These blind guides who shame your pain, aren't just giving unsolicited advice. They are gaslighting and not just your reality. Reality, period. They make up all kinds of ridiculous excuses for your narcissist parents and I've heard them all. Some from my former therapists whom I had to cut ties with as well.
--they meant well
--they did the best they could (when I told one therapist that I didn't think mine did, she, who didn't know them from Adam, said I couldn't say that, that it was "unfair to them." I am no longer her client.)
--they're victims
--they're suffering
--they ARE your parents, after all (oh yeah, they played that card, unfortunately, forgetting that I WAS ALSO their child to whom they had responsibilities to, not just rights over.)
--you're exaggerating. (yup, that's what she said)
--you're making it up for attention (yup that's what dad said)
--it wasn't that bad (now how the hell would you know how bad my life was or wasn't??? I just met you a few years ago.
--you're just too sensitive
--It takes two to tango. (more on this gaslighting nonsense later)
Empathy and power differential. Weirdly, there's a lot of support for narcissist parents and precious little for their victims. The same people who have so much compassion for your "poor neglected" parents give zero cares for all the neglect and abuse you suffered. They weren't' there, don't know diddly-shit about all that went on, that you suffered alone. And yet if you simply decide to stop participating in their abuse, you are treated like YOU are the problem.
Society likes silent compliance. Most people don't like their comfort zones threatened. They prefer an echo chamber where we're all happy, normal social media smiles for the camera. I happen to be that weirdo who enjoys being shaken out of complacency. I hate complacency. It feels creepy and Stepford. But that's just me and probably my childhood trauma speaking up. Little me knows what it feels like to be silenced and shamed. When people tell me or just hint that they were treated like crap by their parents, I believe them. No one makes this up or chooses this.
Nobody choose to go no contact with toxic parents. We came to it as a last ditch effort to save our sanity. After six effing decades of it!! And yet the blind guides treat us as if this was just a novelty, like we want to be the cool kids. Or it's some kind of woke thing. It IS!! I finally woke up to the fact that my narcissist parents did NOT love nor care me, DID abuse, neglect, exploit, invalidate and scapegoat me. If anyone went no contact, it was them with me.
Malignant narcissist parents draw first blood. They went no contact with me decades before I ever realized it. They dumped me on strangers, left me to wander alone, were not there for me, coerced me into all kinds of sick, deranged situations. Now I'm not going no contact with them, I'm just letting doors they slammed stay closed. I'm removing my foot from the door so it doesn't get repeated crushed. Thank you, husband for pointing that out so eloquently.
Where was everyone when all this was happening? If anyone shames you for going no contact with narcissist parents, if they scold you that you have to forgive 70x7, keep hoping and holding on, or whatever gaslighting they foist on you, ask them this. WHERE WERE YOU? They will not be able to answer. And then ask them:
What do they get out of defending your narcissist parents? So one way to prepare for gaslighting when you go no contact is to start digging into why they are doing this. The best defense is a good offense. Don't be afraid to express uncomfortable truths, at least to yourself. These blind guides with their unsolicited advice and DARVO shaming of you, are benefitting in some way, from your pain. They may be narcissists themselves and you make them feel uncomfortable. Or they aren't as empathetic as they'd like to think, so they shame your truth-telling because it unsettles them. Others just like to play devil's advocate. Some people are just Class A ssholes who love to make other people feel small.
DO NOT LET IT DERAIL YOUR HEALING. Whatever the reason for this gaslighting toxic positivity (which isn't really positive at all), please don't fall for it. Anyone who faults you for taking care of yourself doesn't have your best interests at heart. They should not be given airtime. Do what you need to do to stand up for yourself. If that means cutting ties with them too, so be it.
Accept help. Those of us who have been abused by narcissist parents don't know help from harm. That's why we listen to blind guides not safe people. So we need to look for the helpers, the healers. We need to seek out loving people who will sit with us and hold space, not judge or pontificate or shame.
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