Hello my friends :-) today my journey to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse and other forms of verbal harassment, I am exploring what it means to say that no is a full sentence. I'm also going to show how I lost 100 lb by learning that No is a full sentence.
What do we mean when we say "no is a full sentence." Well, it has to do with setting boundaries around what I will and won't tolerate. It's about deciding for myself, without FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) what I will and won't do for people. It's about not complying with unrealistic demands, expectations or even requests unless I decide to. Actually, let me rephrase, it's about never complying with unreasonable demands or demands of any kind. And complying only with polite, reasonable requests if I choose to.
Learning that "no is a full sentence" has to do with then policing those boundaries by setting consequences if they are violated. To take it back a step, it's about learning that I CAN say no and practicing that. It's about giving myself permission to set boundaries that I was never able to as a child, having boundary-crashing self-serving narcissistic parents. It's about unlearning old trauma responses of fawning, to develop healthier more self-advocating, self-confident, self-care responses.
And then, after erecting healthier boundaries, learning that "no is a full sentence" means getting out of the trauma response habit of anxiously over-explaining and defending refusals. My tendency is to gaslight myself that saying no is selfish. Because my narcissistic parents gaslighted me that any refusal was unthinkably disobedient, disrespectful and dishonoring God. Even when it was an unsafe, unhealthy or immoral or illegal thing they demanded of me. Which it always was. But I was so terrified of saying no that I complied with their very inappropriate demands.
One way I'm learning that "no is a full sentence" is to allow myself to admit that other people say no all the time with no repercussions. My narcissistic parents and their golden children said no all the time. Often to things they should have said yes to. They refused to do things they should have done for me. Like stick around, not abandon me for weeks on end, get jobs, provide a house and a bedroom. Not make me do all the work.
Those are extreme examples. But there are less extreme, normal examples all around. People say decline all the time: invitations, requests, tasks. It's perfectly acceptable to stand up for one's self. Some would say necessary and I would agree. AND, it is fine to say no without explaining why. It's essential if the person isn't asking but demanding and expecting you to go out of your way to do something that is in no one in your care's best interests.
Example: mom demands her ex-husband's partner pick the mother's own child up from school. She does not ask. She doesn't check to see if it will work. She rudely TELLS the partner that she "has to" do this because the mother "can't." So picking a child up from school is one thing but it takes on a new dimension when it is expected. The partner in this case, may feel entirely comfortable to say, "no, I can't" offering no explanation or excuse. Just no. Even if the partner can actually do this, being bullied into doing it is good for no one.
She may choose later to do the task because it is in the child's and the child's father's best interests. But it must be the partner's choice. She should not feel emotionally blackmailed into doing it. It is also not good for the mother because it sets up a dangerous precedent to let her think she can order others around and they will just comply. She has to learn that if you are not able to collect a child from school that you must make alternate arrangements which may be inconvenient, expensive or annoying. But that is life. It's what she chose when she had the child. Also, if she gets away with manipulating and exploiting everyone to do her bidding, she may manipulate, emotionally blackmail and guilt the child as he grows.
So what I'm advocating and trying to learn myself is that it is perfectly acceptable to say no and offer no justification. I got told a lot that when I would try to explain my side of things I was "just defending myself" (yeah, and? What you should asking is why I have to defend myself from loving parents?). It was also called "making excuses." Again, why do I have to give reasons why I do innocent, normal things, if my parents are so loving? But the result is that now whenever I legit have to say no, explanations feel to me like excuses.
But what we need to learn is that excuses aren't necessarily bad things. They are reasons why you would exempt yourself from being held accountable TO OTHERS AND FOR THEIR CHOICES. It is not the partner's problem that the mother "can't" do something. She may choose to help but if the mother is weaponizing her "can't" to get people to cater to her, then that's a different story. Even if she really is unable, it is HER problem to solve. And dumping it on someone else is not solving, it's playing DARVO.
And generally people who demand, boss around, guilt, DARVO are arrogant, entitled narcissists to begin with. And that's why you're needing to set boundaries. You can say "I'm sorry I can't do it." But anything beyond that goes down the over-explaining path. And narcissists don't accept explanations. They just want their way, like my parents. All they wanted to hear from me when they said "jump" was "how high?" Well, that's where learning that no is a stand-alone sentence is helpful. All they want is yes, so all you give them is no. There's no argument for that. It is a done deal.
And weirdly learning to say no relates to how I lost 100 pounds. I used to feel such overwhelming shame and guilt if I said no (because I was shamed and guilted by self-serving narcissistic parents) that I would give in and do it. Just today I had to do it when someone crossed a boundary being demanding with me. I just stopped what I was doing for them and said no. I won't finish this task because you were rude and bossy. And I will not allow myself to be treated this way. I received an apology but I decided that was not enough because talk is cheap and actions tell me that this happens all too frequently with this person. Furthermore "I'm sorry" "I'll do better" has been used to manipulate and future fake me into going back and finishing what I said no to.
It did not feel genuine and so I did not go back and finish the tasks I'd begun for him. I didn't do this to shame him into ceasing the rude, bossy behavior. That is on him. And survey says he won't change because this has become ingrained pattern to snap, apologize, snap, apologize many times within a short time. He has gotten very complacent and even self-righteous about the nasty-nice, hypocrisy of his behavior. And that's in part down to me not policing boundaries in the 44 years we've been together.
I have said no and then gone back on my word. And he knows how to trigger me into doing that by pushing my FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), hypervigilant, people pleaser, fawn trauma response buttons. So that relates to how I lost 100 pounds because getting healthier in one area leads to better health overall. Being a pushover is exhausting and though standing up for yourself is too, it's less so that letting people walk on you.
How I lost 100 pounds has a lot to do with taking charge of my own life. It's about saying what I mean and meaning what I say, without apology, explanation or backpedaling.
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