Anoexia, Obesity and weight loss: controlling others vs self-control

Greetings friend of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass (note: if you're wondering why I start every post this way, it's because "how I lost 100 pounds" is one of my keywords so I have to get "how I lost 100 pounds" in three time or so to improve SEO. And explaining that just accomplished that so no more trying to fit it in without sounding awkward LOL! 

One of the goals of my blog is to explore the psychology behind obesity, eating disorders (of which overeating is one) and weight loss. In my last post, we explored the paradox of powerless vs. self-control required for calorie restricting. Today we look at the negative impacts of trying to control others vs. self-control. 

Eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia and certainly overeating that leads to obesity have an element of controlling others involved. I know I might get flak from people struggling with anorexia or bulimia or obesity, on that. But consider this: self-harm or the threat of it, is a cry for help. However, the help expected is sometimes narrowly defined by the one seeking help. Said more clearly, self-harm can be a way to get others to do what I want not necessarily what I need. And sometimes, the help I think I need harm those I expect to give it. 

I was parented by a person who constantly threatened suicide. As a young child, I recall him telling me that he was going to "end it all." He continually referenced his low self esteem brought on by his "overly critical parents." He was also one of the most arbitrarily critical persons I know. Was this threat of self-harm a cry for help or a way to bully? I was horrified and wanted to help which of course I couldn't And he said there was nothing I could do anyway, yet kept reiterating the suicide threats. So I'm going with cruel bullying. Low self-esteem can be very self-centered and also weaponized to guilt, manipulate and control others. 

Regarding obesity and anorexia, other forms of self-harm, the controlling comes in when overeating, extreme calorie restricting or bingeing is used to manipulate people or causes others harm. "My 600-lb Life" shows very overweight people being waited on and served by others. "My 600-lb Life" Dr. Now always asks "who is feeding you?" Because someone has be the slave of a person who is crippled by obesity. 

Anorexia or bulimia at the other end of the spectrum can be (note I said can be) just as controlling. A person trying to get his way may threaten to purge. She may refuse to eat, to worry parents and get them to lighten up on expectations. Manipulation is obviously not the only issue in an eating disorder. But for anyone dealing with an eating disorder, it's essential to explore what's behind it. 

Getting healthier is about learning that, as Alanon says, we are powerless over people. The only way we find power is to practice self-control vs. manipulative behavior designed to control others. 

How I lost 100 pounds admitting I don't like being overweight and don't feel HAES: before and after weight loss

 Hi friends, I know I promised another installment on how I lost 100 pounds figuring out what's eating me and rethinking comfort food. But as I was choosing before and after photos for the article, I realized that a big source of comfort, beyond was staring me in the face. Marking progress toward overcoming obesity and getting to a healthy weight, is essential for our March to Weight Loss challenge, and also, healing low self esteem, anxiety, depression and shame. 

Here's a collection of before weight loss photos when I was way overweight.

These pictures date to around 2008-2010, when I was spiraling into obesity. 

As uncomfortable as it is, I need to look at these before and after photos, to see my weight loss progress. But also to notice how awkward and unhappy I looked. I was smiling outwardly but inwardly I was miserable. 

What really shocked me was how much I looked like a step family member with morbid obesity whom I wasn't even related to. The resemblance was commented on by people who didn't know we were not related. I'm not going to lie, that made me kind of sick. That family member passed at 64, of morbid obesity. HAES says we're supposed to feel beautiful and healthy at every size but I certainly did not. And she certainly wasn't healthy at every size.
 

Should I dislike how I look overweight? Isn't that just Alanon stinkin thinkin? I don't think so. HAES can promote beautiful obesity all they want but that isn't going to make me feel it. Did I hate myself before weight loss? Well, to be fair, I've always had low self esteem at normal weight in childhood, overweight before puberty, normal weight in teen years, underweight in college and then normal weight even after six pregnancies. Getting overweight and then morbidly obese didn't help. I felt shame but also anger for letting myself get so big. I did NOT feel Healthy at Every Size. 

Part of how I lost 100 pounds, without gastric bypass, was put that anger to work at calorie restricting on a 1200 calorie diet. After weight loss, even though I never hit my goal weight of 124 pounds, I felt so much stronger and happier and more beautiful. I know that goes against PC thinking that says we should like ourselves whatever we weight. I didn't. And I can't lie, pretend I did or fake feelings I don't have. 

So yes, of the before and after photos, I prefer the after weight loss. And marking progress with before and after photos was, and still is, a large motivator to how I lost 100 pounds. 

Thanks for reading my friends! If you want to lose weight, why not join me in this month's March to Weight Loss challenge? 

#howIlost100pounds

How I lost 100 pounds by figuring out what's eating me

 Hello my dear friends! I started this blog on how I lost 100 pounds, without gastric bypass, a few years ago. I write about what I'm dealing with at the time because we all deal with many of the same issues in the challenge of obesity or being overweight. Some plus-sized issues for me are anxiety, low self esteem and concomitant depression. Ring a bell? I'm sure it does because anxiety, depression, low self esteem, weight gain and obesity are all part of what Alanon calls a stinkin thinkin pattern that so many of fall into. 

Part of how I lost 100 pounds was to source anxiety, then to determine what I really needed and finally, to go about getting needs met. In my March to Weight Loss challenge, I'm challenging anyone who wants to lose weight, to do a little Alanon type detective work to figure out what's at eating you and then to rethink what you really need in terms of comfort, including but also beyond food. 

Sometimes what's eating me is something so small, or petty, that I'm embarrassed. Getting a lowered rating at work or finding a new crop of wrinkles. Anxiety made worse by long Covid 19 brain fog. Other times, the worry is bigger: worrying over a loved one, coming to grips with my own aging, constant PTSD ish nightmares, grief, exhaustion, long Covid 19 symptoms. And really even defining one stressor as "petty" and another "important" is part of the stinkin thinkin. It says that I have to justify what concerns me, that I'm petty for certain worries. 

The gastric bypass reality show "My 600-lb Life" demonstrates not only the threat to life of morbid obesity but also, morbid stinkin thinkin. It's more than just the obvious self-pity, entitlement and weaponized incompetence we see on "My 600-lb Life." If you listen past the moaning and griping, you hear fear (anxiety). And morbid depression. And toxic shame. I would hazard a guess that shame is the single biggest issue that leads to starring roles on "My 600-lb Life." Shame accounts for as many gastric bypass surgeries as over-eating. 

So that gets me back to my own triggers. Toxic shame. Stinkin thinkin says worrying over a low rating is petty. But I'm going to rethink that and say it's actually huge if toxic shame, low self esteem and anxiety are problems. In my head, this spells FAILURE and that's haunted me since childhood. But happily, sourcing that toxic shame can help me find peace of mind. My kind adult self can comfort  little me and remind her that even if she make mistakes, even if others say she's a bad girl, even if adults guilt her into thinking she has to fix their problems, doesn't make any of it true. As our parish priest, Fr. Chuck is so good to remind us, I'm a beloved child of my Heavenly Father. And so are you. Full stop. 

In the next installment of "how I lost 100 pounds" we'll take that new enlightenment and consider what, then, we need instead of food, for comfort. Be well, my precious friends. 

#Marchtoweightloss #longcovid

 

Self doubt, low self esteem and other joy killers derail weight loss

 Hi my name is mar and I'm a fear-of-failure-aholic. Low self esteem, self doubt and other joy killers have derailed so much good, or, should I say, prevented me from seeing good, in me. The loudest demon on my back, self doubt or insecurity, is so ever-present that he's become something of a pet, albeit an ugly one. These pernicious party crashers have even made weight loss more difficult, or more correctly the ability to celebrate weight loss. 

This blog explores how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass. And time and again, I've seen how mental and emotional health play as large a role as physical. How I lost 100 pounds was as much (maybe  more) about caging and managing negative mindsets as calorie restricting. And I realized today how insignificant and even non-existent dings to my self esteem can still send me spiraling. 

As relates to  obesity and weight loss, I call these negative mindsets, "fattitude" which I define as just those hateful, nasty head voices like low self esteem, feeling of failure, self doubt, self hatred and even self  harm. And yes, I'm hearing as I write how often the word "self" is used. Does that mean, on top of everything, that I'm selfish, self-centered or self-absorbed and that I have to feel guilt for that too?? Maybe, maybe, maybe and no. 

No, those of us who struggle with low self esteem aren't necessarily selfish, self-centered or self-absorbed. We can be but more often it means we were raised by people who were. People who may have weaponized their own low self esteem and it our problem. People who blamed, shamed and guilted us for their own insecurities. We thought it was our job to fix their issues and when we couldn't, felt we'd failed, felt hopeless, helpless and horrible. 

This topic obviously requires a ton more thought and discussion. If you identify with any of this, let me just end today's missive with this. Consider muzzling the negative self message beast. Work on, as Alanon says, taping over those messages with positive self affirmations. Get the trowel out and dig around to find from whence this negativity springs and uproot it. It was a real ah-ha! moment when I sourced my self-hatred. I felt so much freer and lighter. 

Like dandelions, the negativity sneaks back when I'm not vigilant. But at least now I know where it lives. Love to you all and peace be with you. 

#howIlost100pounds

Obesity and low self-esteem vs. self-confidence and weight loss, latter please

Hey friends, in today's episode on how I lost 100 pounds (without gastric bypass), I'm going to explore links between obesity and low self esteem and self-confidence and weight loss. (I'll take the latter for 500, Alex!) So if you need to lose weight, like I did, being 100 pounds overweight at one point, it's important to look at roots of weight gain and obesity. One plus-size factor is low self esteem. I'm using not only my experiences but also those of gastric bypass patients on "My 600-lb Life." 

Participants on "My 600-lb Life" share several things besides morbid obesity: low self esteem, zero self confidence and what Reddit would call weaponized incompetence (more on that later). Patients seeking gastric bypass surgery may come over as arrogant, pushy and controlling (that's part of the weaponized incompetence). That's to cover the helplessness and hopelessness they feel. I know the feeling of being overweight, out of control and powerless to do anything about it. 

So, in a way, it's true. Al-Anon teaches us that we are powerless over people places and things. But in this, Al-Anon references things outside ourselves that we seek to control. Within ourselves, we can find power to manage choices and behaviors. In fact, Al-Anon says that's all we can control. I can choose calorie restricting, intermittent fasting or some kind of weight loss diet to manage obesity. I can lose weight, if I'm willing to do the work involved. 

However, as "My 600-lb Life" shows, that sense of powerlessness, stemming from low to zero self esteem, that powers obesity and prevents weight loss. Gastric bypass patients tell and definitely show, that they having no control over eating. It's like someone is force feeding them. One of my clients is morbidly obese. He literally pounds one beer after another and downs plates of food as if an external force controls his hands. Yes, it's heart-breaking. But, I have another client who was morbidly obese and was able to lose weight. And the difference, that I can see, is self-confidence. The former lacks it and the other has it. 

Part of how I lost 100 pounds was to discover self confidence. I won't say rediscover because I never had it nor learned it. So how to learn self confidence? By talking back to the voices in my head that say I'm helpless and hopeless. It's a slow process but as As Al-Anon advises, I fake it till I make it. I also watch others who are confident and try to imitate them. I referred earlier to Cobra Kai weight loss strategies. One thing we know Cobra Kai has is confidence (although as we're seeing, all in Cobra Kai had to develop it. It didn't come naturally.) 

Stay tuned for more on this because volumes can be written about the links between obesity and low self esteem and self-confidence and weight loss. 

How I boost confidence to lose weight by flipping the script

 Hello again, your friendly neighborhood weight loss coach back with another installment on how I lost 100 pounds and how you can lose weight too if you need to. In my last post, we looked at how weight loss boosts confidence and confidence helps lose weight. And I could hear some of you saying, great, but how do I make confidence where none exists?? Part of how I lost 100 pounds was by
flipping the script. 

So you know how low self esteem tells us we're losers, right? Not in the good kind of obesity losers, the complete and utter failure kind. "My 600-lb Life" shows extreme examples of where this Alanon stinkin thinkin gets us. Low self esteem batters us with negative messages about how much we suck as people. The monkey on our back sneers "lose weight?? you can't even manage to close your mouth, let alone manage a long term diet!" 

The key here is, then, to talk back to that wretched low self esteem and stinkin thinkin. To kick the monkey off our back and out the damn door. To flip the script from negative to positive self-statements. A good way to accomplish that is to use another Alanon slogan, "fake it till you make it." Just start calorie restricting even though stinkin thinkin is telling you it won't work. Just pretend it will work. Imagine yourself losing weight. It's a biological fact that calorie restricting will lose weight. So you will make it. And as you do, you'll feel stronger, more in control and happier in your own fur! 

Stay tuned for more on how I lost 100 pounds. 

How weight loss boosts confidence and confidence helps lose weight

Hello my dears! It's me back with more thoughts on weight loss. The longer I maintain this blog, the more I realize that how I lost 100 pounds was about dealing with emotional health issues as much as calorie restricting and portion control. Today we'll look at how weight loss boost confidence and vice versa. 

I often use stories of gastric bypass patients on the reality TV show "My 600-lb Life" as examples. "My 600-lb Life" shows people struggling with morbid obesity but also many mental and emotional health problems. Comfort eating is often a coping mechanism for managing stress, guilt, anxiety, anger and depression. "My 600-lb Life" participants are unilaterally and categorically unhappy. Along with gastric bypass, those with extreme obesity also undergo therapy for emotional health issues. After they lose weight, they are almost always happier, more confident and better able to manage stress. 

How do weight loss and stress management go hand in hand? Well, to continue the metaphor, one hand washes the other. As I began to take charge of my eating habits (by calorie restricting and following a 1200 calorie diet), instead of letting them control me, I felt more confident my low esteem began to heal. But in order shed obesity, I had to work on boosting confidence and improving low self esteem. In short I had to realize that I was capable of self-discipline, before I could begin self-discipling. In even shorter short, it's an upward spiral. Weight loss boosts confidence while developing confidence helped me lose weight. 

But how do you get to that point? How do you make confidence where none exists? In my next post on how I lost 100 pounds, I'll cover that so stay tuned. 

How I lost 100 pounds by healing low self esteem

Whether you need to lose weight, gain it or maintain a healthy weight, it's important to address mental health, not just physical. Said differently, weight loss (or gain) is not just about calorie restricting or what diet you're on. It's about dealing with underlying emotional struggles. Part of how I lost 100 pounds was by working on low self esteem and stinkin thinkin (Al-Anon) 

I thought my biggest issue was (and was medicated for) depression. But that was only a manifestation of the real issue: low self esteem. Beginning in 1997 through 2004, we experienced a series of unfortunate events. I had major pregnancy complications with our fourth child, lost two stillborn infants, moved into a house that required huge and unexpected repairs (think all broken windows, a collapsed ceiling and burst water pipes). 

We'd sold our mobile home for cents on the dollar to get into this house which we'd allowed the current tenant to live in till her Habitat for Humanity home was ready. Five months later and multiple queries as to when we could move in (met with "her home isn't ready yet") we discovered she'd vamoosed--leaving unpaid bills, damaged electrical and water pipes, collapsed ceiling, burst toilet, broken windows and a dead snake out back(!)--almost immediately after we'd first seen the home. The landlord, our church, BTW, didn't bother to check up because she was living rent-free. She got her nicely move-in ready Habitat for Humanity home while we were stuck with the mess she'd left behind. 

When we saw the house in November, we noted what would need to be done. And there was plenty then. Needless to say, sitting vacant five months left the house in condemned-notice condition. It was actually us who discovered the tenant had split. We drove by one night in March, saw the doors hanging open and everything a mess. 

We alerted the sellers who basically said we were stuck because we agreed to buy it ("remember what a good deal we gave you??") And we were also desperate being now homeless. We had undersold the mobile home for $3,500 (valued at $12,000) because the mobile home market was low and because we didn't want to LET THE SELLERS DOWN when they were finally ready to sell. 

Everything needed fixing. We had to fix it alone with no help from seller which drained our bank account. Husband was juggling two jobs in different cities. Oh, and we still paid the full asking price of the house, no discount for damages. 

Yes, we should have pulled out or at least demanded that things be restored to the condition we'd originally seen it in. Yes we should have insisted they find us accommodations till said repairs had been done. No I shouldn't have tried get the house livable with just my four kids to help. No my  husband shouldn't have had to work on the house after work, just to get it habitable. No, we shouldn't have been so nice and should have been thorns in various backsides. 

But that brings me back to the original point of this blog post: low self esteem. Both my husband and I struggle with it. Why did we allow ourselves to be so taken advantage of? Because we figured that this shambles was good enough for who it was for. And did the sellers chime in with the guilt: we should be grateful that we were getting "such a good deal." We weren't, they were and they knew it. They'd neglected the house, not monitored the tenant and now would be lucky if the city didn't make them liable, if we didn't buy it. Under the table mind you. 

So like two muggins, we bought it. Stinkin thinkin told us it was the best we deserved. Operative word: we (he and I). We knew our kids deserved MUCH better and we wanted, but failed to get it for them. That caused massive anxiety and guilt. Which drove self esteem even lower. Queue the depression, misery and yes even fights (you tend to take out frustrations with those you feel you owe gratitude for hurting you, on those you love). Weird. Vicious cycle. 

Part of how I lost 100 pounds was to get at why I thought so little of  myself. There is a book series in that answer. And maybe I'll write it someday. Suffice, for this blog post, to say that learning to recognize that I was a beloved child of my Heavenly Father (thank you, Fr. Chuck), who wants the best for me, not just good enough for who it's for, helped a lot. So did giving myself permission to express needs, wants, dissatisfaction and frustrations. To say no to manipulative, exploitative situations. To practice self-care. 

A part of my old stinkin thinkin narrative says I should make disclaimers and defend toxic behavior. The monkey on my back worries that you readers may think I'm dramatizing, attention-seeking or just an idiot. Low self-esteem talks like that. Lots of auto blame-shame. I'm also tempted to defend the house sellers, saying they meant well, didn't realize the extent of the damage, yada yada. But I'm not going to. It should have been handled differently and we were treated badly. We are still dealing with negative repercussions.  

So we got screwed over. However, the real responsibility is down to us, to change this stinkin thinkin. We realize, in retrospect, that we are just too nice, or just pushovers. We've been stung multiple times, and should have spoken up about. We are learning together how to advocate for ourselves and not to let ourselves get taken advantage of in future. Because we don't deserve it no matter what you say, skinkin thinkin. 

This post may seem far afield for a blog about weight loss. However, concepts like low self-esteem are actually a large part of how we get overweight (or underweight, anorexic, bulimic, etc) in the first place. Many physical problems originate in our heads. Not our imagination, our stinkin thinkin. 

Love to you all and stay tuned for more.