I fell into it again.

 Hello my friends. I'm struggling today. I wasn't until one of the narcissists in my life reminded me yet again why I have to keep doing this narcissistic abuse recovery work. Yet again, I was invalidated, dehumanized, taken advantage of and scolded for the privilege of enduring it. My tolerance was weaponized. My patience was punished. Yet again, I innocently walked into it, unawares and got lambasted by narcissistic rage. All over a stupid bunch of bananas. 

I innocently asked if he wanted me to show him how to use the produce scale at Meijer. Not condescendingly. Because he always weaponizes incompetence and proclaims to "not get" how these things work. So I offered to explain it. Big mistake. Suddenly in the middle of the store, I'm being yelled at for not "explaining correctly" how to do something? And told it's my job to make him understand how to do it?

There was no precedent or problem. We'd just had a nice lunch. I was completely blindsided and baffled. I didn't know what he was even asking or what I was expected to do. I stood there feeling and probably looking foolish. I stayed calm wasn't even upset though I should have been. I just kindly kept rephrasing and apologizing. And he wouldn't back down from whatever high ground he thought he was on. It was crazy. 

I quietly asked him to please not be rude to me anymore, ridiculous, why should I have to beg someone to be kind? He said he wasn't rude and that was that. I just absorbed it like I always do. All was well and he was back to his happy self, till something set him off again, lather, rinse, repeat. Then a few days later, I heard a talk by Dr. Ramani explaining this kind of issue and I realized it had happened again. 

I did exactly the wrong thing and tried to confront him, politely. He's future faked so many times about how he needs to do better. I thought he would give me the comfort and validation I needed just then. But that was too much to ask, I guess. He just went right into backpedaling and being even more dismissive and gaslighty. He had actually forgotten it, again. He got right back up on that high horse and started DARVO, blame-shifting etc. 

Now I'm just a dysregulated, hot mess. And I did nothing to deserve any of it. 

The charm and charisma facade: predatory narcissism lurks behind the mask

Hello my friends on this journey. Today in my quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I am looking at the charisma trap. More specifically how notoriously charismatic people are often predators in disguise. A heartbreaking incident in our community involving a school dean and parent, was caught in incestuous pedophilia made this hit home for me. 

The Communal Narcissist Predator

Let's just sit with that for a minute, educator, teacher, mentor of students. What a perfect cover those are for CSA. He was actually the one responsible for implementing FERPA and CSA protocol within the school. What better way to hide your own abuse than as the one children lean on for safety? 

The Closet Saboteur 

And here's the clincher, for me. Amid the outrage, people also expressed shock that's such a "charismatic" man could be capable of such things. Why, he was a father of eight children, loving wife and family? Pillar of the community, youth minister. How could this happen, was wondered at. So I was saddened, but shocked, no. It's dangerous to put anyone beyond reproach. This is how pedophiles go undetected. Because we shield them. But behind the "immunity of community" is the first place we should be looking. 

Dressed to Kill 

Many people labor under the misunderstanding that pedophiles have a stereotypical look. That they are grubby, fringe-dwelling ne're-do-wells. That because someone wears cool clothing, looks good, is a "good Christian" and upstanding member of the community, he cannot also be guilty of heinous crimes. The fact is that his reputation is exactly what makes him a prime candidate for abusive and exploitative behavior. We need to start looking past the costume to the character inside. 

The Ironclad Charismatic

And that character is arrogant and above all rules. He believes he is bulletproof behind the Kevlar of his public image. And I realize that I knew and have always known since I was a child that such people were dangerous. I have never trusted "large and in charge" smooth talkers, people with popularity cult followings. Like big personality celebrities, ministers and leaders who can "do no wrong" in the eyes of their devotees. 

"Charm is a sales tactic. It's the big toothy grin of the used car salesman who's pushing a lemon and making you feel privileged to have your pocket picked."

The Charm Trap

The paradox lies in the charisma trap, the "shiny charm" of the predatory narcissist, as Dr Ramani puts it. Charm and charisma are facades behind which lurk ruthless, Machiavellian egomaniac BSers. These charlatans are only charming to get their way. They are extortionist who use charisma to get you to give them something you shouldn't. It lures the unsuspecting into a false sense of security. And then BANG! Gotcha. He's fleeced them and they didn't even see it happen. 

The Narcissistic Injury Reveal

Don't believe me? Just try saying "no" to these so-friendly shysters. Just watch the charm turn to sneering, scornful, narcissistic rage. Or try outing him. But good luck. Suddenly, he's not such a nice guy. His pride is wounded.  He's vindictive, and venomous. Or, even worse, he's fake penitent, vulnerable, oh so sorry. He weaponizes his "humility" to regain trust and then strikes. Very often, the victims end up being treated worse than the offender ever is. Which is why so many keep quiet. My narcissistic parents were downright vicious if they felt threatened. It is a frightening vendetta that never gets satisfied. 

They can turn charm on like a switch. And terrifyingly, turn it off just as easily.  

The Flock Mentality

Unfortunately, these people often have a lot of flying monkeys. And being the only one saying that the Emperor has no clothes puts you in their sites. They DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender) in defense of their narcissist cult leader. They crybully and call you the bad guy. They never believe a word said against him. They gaslight that YOU caused the problem, brought his creepy behavior on yourself. You were too sensitive, imagining things, exaggerating, showing off for attention. All of which cannot simultaneously be true. But flying monkeys aren't known for common sense. 

The Hazing of FOG

And so you don't say anything. You feel FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) to these people. You know they say you're just jealous of their success. You're spreading spiteful gossip or starting smear campaigns. Even your own friends don't believe you. So you start gaslighting yourself that the Emperor's new clothes look fine. You preserve the shiny image. Who's going to believe you anyway? There is no winning, nor even breaking even against a charming narcissist. There is only losing. 

What living in a narcissistic family cult taught me

I know because I was indoctrinated into a narcissistic cult called "family." I was subjected to them, made to serve them as an acolyte. I was gaslighted and catfished by these predators in parents clothing. I believed and trusted them because I was a trauma bonded betrayal blind, innocent and vulnerable child that no one protected. Everyone just turned a blind eye their abuse, neglect, parentification, exploitation, endangerment, deprivation, invalidation, scapegoating, abandonment and dehumanizing of me. 

Once bitten, twice shy

But ironically this inability to see my parents traitorship and betrayal, somehow gave me an uncanny ability to see it in others. I can't always do much about it besides see it. I have never trusted a charismatic or charming person since. Did I miss out on genuine people along the way? Eh, maybe? But it also kept me from getting taken advantage of. 

• ✀Homework for Healing

  • Beware of charmers. If someone seems too good to be true, believe they are a fraud. 
  • Watch for masks slipping. See the narcissistic smirk behind the sanctimonious smile.
  • Beware of their flying monkeys. They bite and they shit everywhere. 
  • Trust your gut. Literally, recognize that sick, nervous feeling in your stomach when predators are around. It's there to warn you. 
  • Do the Angelou. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Don't gaslight yourself that you misunderstood. You heard them correctly. 
  • Get away from them. Go low or no contact. Don't get lured in. You don't owe them any loyalty. You don't owe them anything. 
  • Take care of yourself, please. Look for safe people. Your sanity is more important than their vanity. 

Obedience and subservience as fawning childhood trauma response

Hello my fellow travelers on the recovery journey. Today as I work to heal childhood trauma responses from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm look at the dilemma of obedience. I'm seeing how surrendering autonomy and subservience are fawning trauma response we did to survive. I'm going to explore how dangerous "over obedience" is, not only to children in dysfunctional family systems but also in adult life.

Obedience without agency or reciprocity

Children of narcissistic enmeshed parents learned to unquestioningly and immediately obey every command issued. We were drilled in endless expectations and demands we owed them. But we were never given basic tools with which to do the jobs. Our liberties were withheld. We had no authority or power even over ourselves. Parental enmeshment stole our personhood. And they gave us nothing but grief in return for all they took. 

Expected but never explained to

Using an arsenal of weapons like gaslighting, future faking, terrorizing, narcissistic rage fests, blame-shifting and DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender), our parents created a narcissistic fantasy world where we were their drudges. They placed all kinds of immoral, illegal, unethical and terrifying demands on us. And just expected us to know what they wanted and perform. My mom and dad (and their second spouses who were also my bosses) would say "you shouldn't have to be told what to do." This came after just hinting that I had somehow ruined everything. Their combined narcissistic rage was so explosive that I cried and begged to be told what I could do to fix it. I see now they didn't explain because they couldn't without outing themselves as the hypocritical, arrogant, unreasonable dictators they were. So I did my best but my best was never good enough for them. 

Rigidly plastic double standards

More rigid than any soldier in any military was the tyranny children of dark tetrad malignant narcissists lived under. And it was even worse because the rules we were held to were ironclad yet plastic double standards. Others in the family were not held to these rules. Our parents bent their own rules to suit t themselves. And then, just when we thought we'd gotten it right, they changed randomly and didn't inform us until it was too late and we'd "broken" these unspoken commands. We constantly fawn to keep them happy but they are always angry. 

One Way Street of Obedience

So I feel the need to make a disclaimer about obedience. Yes, it is a good thing when done properly, for the right reasons and by everyone equally in the family. Parents owe their children obedience. They owe it first and without strings attached. They don't do good for their children just to get in return. That's transactional in the wrong direction. Yes, there's give and take. Relationships are transactional. But narcissistic parents only take good and give bad. Healthy parents model what it looks like to serve by serving their children. They model obedience to authority they themselves are under. Narcissistic parents don't obey anyone. They see authority as something to be flouted. They don't apply standards consistently and they break their own rule constantly. 

All the work, none of the perks

Probably the worst part of all this is that while dogged obedience and people pleasing was demanded of us, we were never given any authority with which to make all this happen. We carried the mental load and served them devotedly. But they gaslit us that we had no right to actually make decisions for ourselves. We had no power. I was made to parent their children but anytime I set a boundary with the kids, I was told I had no right to. I had to care for them but couldn't correct them. I had to be responsible for them, but wasn't allowed the tools to do the job. I was punished for anything they did. When the children were rude or disobedient to me, they laughed and encouraged them. I had to obey everyone including their children.  

"It is a profound betrayal for a child to be held to a moral code that no one else has to and even their own parents feel entitled to violate." 

 Enmeshed parents scapegoated, parentified and infantilized us. 

Religious gaslighting  

We were brainwashed to think all this over-obedience was God's will for us. And only for us. I never saw my parent graciously obey anyone, including God. I thought God made special exceptions for them. I was chastised with the rod of shame and FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) for infractions I never committed. I didn't understand this till a few years ago. The idea of me as a disobedient failure persists to this day. Because the more obedient you are to arrogant ruthless parents the more they treat you like a wayward brat. Disobedience is harshly punished but so is obedience. It's a lose-lose game. 

Obedience doesn't transition well

Fast forward to adulthood or what passes for that in narcissistically abused kids. We drag all this unconscious fawning, people pleasing, blind obedience with us. We obey everyone including adults who have no authority over us. We let them order us around and we comply. We follow through on dictums that they have issued but don't follow. We do all the work of fulfilling their commands while they just sit back and think up more commands for us. We let them tell us how it is and how it's going to be. We never open our mouths and say what we think. We abide by one-sided contracts we never signed. We still believe it's "talking back" or sassing to say no. We smooth over their bad actions and take the blame on ourselves. We communicate all their petulant demands to others in ways that are "nicer" and more palatable. We are go-betweens, liaisons and mediators. We do the heavy lifting of the mental load. 

My aha moment: 

I used to follow through silently on all the rules my husband handed down without even asking myself whether I agreed. After all, he was the "head of the household" and the father ( I was raised in a very patriarchal "father knows all" mindset. Then I woke up and realized I was doing all the following through on his rules I had never agreed to. I was the one making sure these lengthy groundings he'd set were abided by. And I thought it was a terrible idea. I tolerated spankings and even spanked myself though I didn't believe in it. And my husband was not an overtly bossy or controlling person. He sort of fell into the role I'd assigned him, that of Lord and Master. And me the ever obedient servant. 

Then one day I saw  how my dysfunctional family had set me up to be this groveling people pleaser. And I had enough. I started setting boundaries (not prettily, quite messy at first). I said I'd decide what commands I'd follow and plan on me not following anything that smacked of "command." Been there, done with that. I would be involved in all decisions in our family. I would be dictating some terms from now on.  

And funnily enough, he immediately understood and agreed this was long overdue "disobedience" on my part. He still throws his weight around occasionally (after all, I did kowtow to it for so many years). But then I just use my little word "no" as a complete sentence. I veto contracts I didn't agree to. I say my say. 

⚗️ Homework for Healing

We can't change the past, but we do have control over now. Healing means learning to sort fact from wrong-headed opinion.

Opinion: We owe obedience to all. No one owes us a thing.

Fact: Obedience is reciprocal and an option.

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Opinion: We must do all the work with no authority.

Fact: We have a voice and a choice.