Hello my friends. Today in my journey to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm sharing ways to help children cope. I wish someone had done and said these things to me. And I am practicing doing and saying these things with children experiencing dysfunctional family systems now.
These are my own thoughts based on my experiences. And while they may not be a substitute for professional counseling, they do have merit coming from a fellow victim-survivor.
To call or not to call
Regarding the CPS (child protective services) debate, to call or not to call. Child abuse is a highly fraught and challenging issue. There are different parenting styles, some of which while being possibly repellant and very triggering to me as a childhood trauma survivor, are nonetheless not illegal. And arguably, not my business. Examples include parents yelling at, spanking or having overly Draconian rules. You may consider, if neighbors are screaming loudly at kids in the yard, calling the police on a noise complaint. This puts the parent on notice and on their police radar, while also making your life less miserable.
It's not just punitive that counts as abuse
On the other side of the coin, are too permissive or neglectful parents. I have acquaintances who pride themselves on their "hands-off" parenting of their eight children. Hands off meant they were neglectful, lazy and didn't feed or care for the children properly. They infantilized the eldest special needs child. But also parentified him, by leaving him in charge of 6 siblings while the parents took a holiday. The youngest was severely burned on a grill they left on. Mom was "too traumatized" to visit the child in the burn unit. They then had two more babies in quick succession. CPS was called in because the child was so badly injured. Should we who knew them, have called in and maybe avoided this tragedy? I don't know. 
CPS calls can further endanger kids
It's all too easy for outsiders to pontificate on "right and wrong" while knowing nothing of the family or what they may be dealing with. It is important to remember that there is no "one size fits all" parenting style. And very often it does more harm than good calling in authorities. If the parent is narcissistic, volatile and reactionary, calling CPS will likely only dysregulate him further. And this will make the child's life even more difficult. I'm not saying not to call. I'm saying that it's important to examine my own motives for doing so and to weigh the consequences to the children and myself.
Judgmental vs adjudicating
I may think the child is being neglected. Or has too many responsibilities. But as long as they seem fairly distributed, and one child is not the scapegoat or being made to do overly strenuous jobs too young, then it might be best to just let it go. In my situation, I and only I, was scapegoated and parentified to do tasks that were clearly the adult responsibility. I was made to literally wait on my parents new highly explosive, malignant narcissist partners as well as my own narcissistic parents. I was left alone in very dangerous, frightening situations, around age 3 o 4. Someone should have seen that but didn't.
Markers for child abuse
I was routinely abandoned, endangered, neglected and abused. At 4, I was sent to play at a park alone, three blocks away. I was left to play alone at 5, on the docks of a strange city. I was dumped at a strange camp with no care provided at 6. I was deprived of essential things the rest of the family received. I was made confidant to inappropriate parent sexual confidences (which constitutes sexual harassment, btw). My father often trauma dumped on me about how he was planning to unalive himself. I use that politically correct term now because "suicide" is verboten. But I as a 5 y/o was not spared that. My father also enslaved me to his new family where I did all the housework and childcare. I was gaslighted that I was responsible for them but they were not responsible to me.
Signs of emotional abuse
I looked and acted very "autistic" as a child. I banged my head and bit myself. I wasn't so much neurodivergent as shell shocked by mistreatment. I went into dissociative and fugue states and had episodes of cognitive split and emotional fracturing that were quite obvious just in family photos. I've grown up with extreme childhood trauma responses of fawning, people pleasing, zero self-care skills, self-harm, toxic shame, self-gaslighting, self-loathing, chronic low self-esteem and imposter syndrome.
Signs of physical abuse in childhood extend to adulthood
I have chronic, extensive back and hip damage from untended congenital hip dysplasia, scoliosis, spina bifida and other structural issues. I had shoulder surgery for damage that began in childhood from being coerced into harsh physical labor. My parents did not care for or about problems they knew I had. They made me mop floors on hands and knees, use an insanely heavy vacuum daily, do ironing and other heavy housework, regularly sleep in unheated rooms on an army cot or fold out bed and get up at night with the baby. All while being well aware of my health problems and being warned by doctors that I needed extra help for daily functions. I was malnourished while they had plenty.
Illegal child labor issues
I was made to work, unpaid in their foster care homes, starting at age 11. I cared for four special needs children overnight in my mom's I slept two floors up with all the kids. I babysat them for a week with only her abusive boyfriend, who wasn't even supposed to be there, sleeping on the couch. I cooked for and cleaned up after multiple special needs adults, including several child molesters who slept next door to me.
Parentification and role reversal
I was made to sleep with the children in foster care and their biological kids. I was locked in with the baby at one point. There was plenty of room for me to have a bedroom of my own. They made themselves intentionally unavailable because they "needed their sleep." I was crammed in a tiny room with an unsuitable bed. No one ever considered that I needed mine too. Now as an adult I have constant trauma nightmares about that oppressive amount of responsibility. I'm hypervigilant, especially around children.
Intentional parent neglect
All of the abuse I lived with was gratuitous. I was shuttled between them and lived in 40 different places, six different schools before age 21. These were not work related moves. Several were prompted by child abuse and CPS investigations. They both knew, when they opened their foster care homes, that I was not to be used as a paid, let alone unpaid worker. My dad and mom didn't care if it was legal. My dad left for two years, ignoring the fact that this constituted abandonment. Then came back and expected me to move in and be he and his wife's servant. But they did know it was wrong. I asked my mom about some things she did and she denied it saying, she'd be prosecuted. When confronted my dad lied, gaslit me that it never happened, I was too sensitive, couldn't take criticism, yada yada.
My abnormal normal
But I never understood that any of this was wrong. I didn't know that it was illegal for me to work in the family foster care home, and that if I did, I at least was owed payment for every hour worked. That would have helped when I moved out and had to pay for my college. But a larger problem was that no one is my extended family saw fit to identify to me how this was wrong. So I lived in a FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) of gaslighting.
And that's why I'm writing this now, to help adults dealing with childhood trauma and to help children living with it, in situ. Here are things my extended family should have done and said, to help me then.
Important Note:
You will not find any of those gaslighting "blind guide" platitudes in this list. Examples include: "be the bigger person," "rise above," or "your parents mean well." Do not ever say these to any child. They are harmful and can be incredibly damaging for those in abusive situations.
I see and hear you.
I see the injustices you experience. I want to help in ways that help you. I wish I could fix it for you. I care about you.
I am here for you, anytime.
This is a big commitment so I only offer this to people I feel responsible for in my now family. I give out my phone number and answer calls from them. I cannot extend myself to everyone. But I can write these articles to hopefully help you.
You are not crazy or lazy.
What you feel is real. You are not imagining it. You are not too sensitive. I'm sorry it's like this for you.
It is not your fault.
It never was. It is their problem that you have the misfortune to have to deal with because you live with them. No matter how they may say it is, know that I'm older and I know it's not. You are not the family problem. Parents are always parents and kids are always kids.
It is NOT your responsibility.
To parent them, to parent their children, to wait on them, to fix them. They are responsible to you.
You deserve better.
But life also is what it is. Sometimes you have to coexist in a difficult situation and work toward a better one.
Speak your truth.
Don't stop saying what you need. Try to say it as respectfully as possible but say it, nevertheless. (I wish I'd done that more.)
Say no.
If you feel safe, calmly refuse to do what is too much. Don't throw a temper tantrum. Examine your motives. Are you making someone else carry what is yours? I wish I'd refused to mop their floors on hands and knees. I wish I'd said I can't. I wish I'd put the onus on them to figure out how to get it done. Ironically, the mopping was only done on hands and knees because it was me doing it. If I'd said no, they'd have gotten a damn mop or done it themselves.
Ask for help.
Find trusted people to share with and ask to help you. But having said that, I know that sometimes, it can just make the abuse worse. So make sure whomever you ask doesn't violate your trust.
I believe you and I believe in you.
What do you need from me? I will sit with you and hold space for you. I trust you. I love you. I know you have the capability to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I will help however I can.
Do your best.
Try to live at peace. Try to be as agreeable as possible. But don't beat yourself up for reaching your tether because selfish narcissists will push every button you have.
It is okay to "fail."
I put that in quotes because we childhood trauma, were told by selfish, entitled, arrogant, cruel dark tetrad parents that WE were always the problem. It was always our fault. We caused the issues. We didn't. They just needed a fall guy. And so you will make mistakes. It's okay. That's how you learn. And sometimes you do the wrong thing for the right reason. Or you have no other alternatives because boundary-crashing enmeshed parents stripped you of your power. So you did the best you could.
Float above.
I did not say rise above. That is just more toxic shaming dressed as helpful advice. What I do is to imagine I'm floating on a cloud looking down on chaos but not a part of it. Said differently, "observe, don't absorb." A raging parent is usually feeling more ashamed of himself than angry with you. No matter what he says, don't personalize that you are a terrible person.
Own what's yours.
No matter how aggressive a parent may be, remember that it's not easy parenting kids or just scraping by in this life. Bills, work, demands can be overwhelming. So if your parent is angry because you really did do something wrong, then own it. Say you left the water running and flooded the house, because you were preoccupied with your phone, then you do have some responsibility. Don't whine, lie or lash out. Apologize and find a way to fix what you broke. Start mopping. Offer to pay for wasted water.
I love you.
I think that's a good note to end on.
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