tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-48829842606263221332024-03-14T17:55:07.190-07:00My Diet DigestBits on health, obesity, weight issues, mind-body wellness. Bytes of diet recipes. Insider tips from my 100-lb weight loss + a schmidge of celeb weight gain/loss dishMarilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.comBlogger405125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4882984260626322133.post-5477997170003691622024-03-14T17:54:00.000-07:002024-03-14T17:54:06.150-07:00How I am healing from narcissistic abuse by being unforgiving<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhL38zHnqgiGcrplM6rtL0X2pljUlyt6x2iadpxoDgoEPYnilgcPE-Y7jfbCcKVaxrxhrGu1jJwY8n-rFYzTltZ8OuqnxViaKZhyphenhyphen8NJwH2zqeUMfMgMFhDpI6uTRthxD8YMyL90FSEkW2WvFyCgcZmKk0Me0yb8HOg-pKJ3Su1f_bQL9ps6cubejW_23Vmm/s1280/WIN_20240314_20_53_30_Pro.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhL38zHnqgiGcrplM6rtL0X2pljUlyt6x2iadpxoDgoEPYnilgcPE-Y7jfbCcKVaxrxhrGu1jJwY8n-rFYzTltZ8OuqnxViaKZhyphenhyphen8NJwH2zqeUMfMgMFhDpI6uTRthxD8YMyL90FSEkW2WvFyCgcZmKk0Me0yb8HOg-pKJ3Su1f_bQL9ps6cubejW_23Vmm/s320/WIN_20240314_20_53_30_Pro.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />Hello friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs. So I said earlier that I was going to post tomorrow on how I'm healing from narcissistic abuse by being unforgiving, but I couldn't wait that long. Cuz I think that some of you need to hear this right now. See, in my opinion, those of us who have suffered from lifelong narcissistic abuse from parents, start at the wrong place in healing. We worry first about forgiving the hurt, often before we've even understood or accepted that we WERE hurt. And this is further evidence of the parental manipulation, exploitation, abuse and gaslighting about those things. <div><br /></div><div>We do this because we were told that we had to. By church, other family members, sometimes counselors, etc. We are told that God expects this but He doesn't, not at this stage of the game, at any rate. And not in the way that way are told to. I don't claim to know exactly what God's definition of forgiveness is. But I know what it isn't. It's not saying "I forgive you." Just like saying sorry is not repenting. It's not exonerating, absolving, excusing or overlooking. It's certainly not "getting over it." And it's certainly, certainly not moving ahead in the abusive relationship as if nothing ever happened. This is an open invitation to an abuser to continue abusing. </div><div><br /></div><div>It's also not the victim's "duty" or responsibility to forgive. It's not something you can or should do immediately after very hurtful experience. It's not something you should do if the perp hasn't recognized, admitted, expressed remorse and made a dedicated, consistent effort to change. All these fallacies are put about by the very people who are doing the hurting. </div><div><br /></div><div>Why? Because narcissistic abusers always make it your fault. Your problem. Your responsibility. No matter what they did, they will bounce the ball right back into your court. This deflects attention away from them and their vile actions. Quietly they say, well I may have done this or that and then loudly BUT YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE ME!! I SAID SORRY! IT'S YOUR JOB!! It always comes back to you. </div><div><br /></div><div>And this is the problem with forgiveness, especially too soon. It puts the responsibility on the victim, not the perpetrator. It makes those of us who feel too much guilt and guilt for things we didn't do, feel even guiltier. We question ourselves...did I really forgive him? Am I sinning by "not forgiving?" And because we carry so much undeserved shame, guilt and responsibility we jump right to worrying about this. And we forget all about even admitting let alone acknowledging all the ways the abuse devasted us. </div><div><br /></div><div>And this suits the abuser just fine. 1) No eyes are put on them as the cause of the problem. 2) They don't have to stop the hurtful behavior 3) they now (in their twisted heads) have justification for it and 4) value added, they have even more shame to leverage. Pretty soon, they have themselves convinced that they never did anything wrong. Or if they did, you made them do it. Or if you didn't, you were wrong for not forgiving them (even though they never even apologized). With narcissistic abusers, you were always going to be in the wrong. </div><div><br /></div><div>Pushing forgiveness as promulgated by many institutions, especially churches, is just further abuse. My father weaponized the Bible, Christianity and God so thoroughly that I think toward the end he almost believed he was God. He certainly expected me to worship him like one. He tried to tell me basically that whatever happened, whatever he did, it was "covered by the blood." I.E. God has forgiven, absolved, washed away and forgotten everything he and his wife ever did wrong to me. </div><div><br /></div><div>I bought that bullshit for a long time because, first I was a kid steeped in his bullshit and second, as so often happens with delusions, it has an element of truth. Our doctrine teaches that God does forgive and forget. But there's a HUGE IF that my dad completely ignored. "If we CONFESS our sins." Which they did not. They did not see that they were wrong, despite violating God's law in many enormous ways. Like binding me up to burdens they didn't carry. Like telling me to honor them but forgetting that they were supposed to love and respect me and not lead me to anger. Like not just leading, but pushing and dragging me astray. Like exploiting me. Like blaming me for everything. Like parentifying me. Like gaslighting me. Like scaring the shit out of me so even now, at 59, thought of confronting them terrifies me. Like causing me so much pain that I can't sleep at night for the nightmares. </div><div><br /></div><div>My dad was masterful at twisting and repurposing scripture to suit himself. He had every angle covered, for himself, that he was golden. He claimed that because he said he'd confessed his sins to God, that not only should be good enough for me but that I was now disobeying God if I didn't (wait for it) forgive too. And say that it was all okay. If he was ever confronted, he just trotted out his pet defense that he was "covered by the blood." </div><div><br /></div><div>But it wasn't God he abused. It was me. God is hurt when we are hurt, but God is the only one who got the apology. So I'm confused. If he was wrong, why not apologize to the one he hurt in real time? Because he really didn't see he was wrong. He was covering his ass. People can argue all they want about how bad Catholics confess to a priest and good them go directly to God. Smoke and mirrors. Confessing only to God sins we committed against each other, is just a way to avoid responsibility we have to those we hurt. It's fire insurance. </div><div><br /></div><div>And the abuse didn't stop. So he clearly didn't even see it as wrong, let alone feel sorry. And he didn't extend God's mercy to me. He who didn't know the first thing about me, assumed he could read my mind and conscience. He was omniscient. And from Dad-god I got no covering in the blood. for me, it was the full hellfire and brimstone. He told me that I had committed unforgivable sins in premarital sex. I had not told him about this. He assumed it. Talk about your razor blade to the wrists thoughts. </div><div><br /></div><div>But he, on the other hand, had had many girlfriends and hookups without benefit of clergy. One was with 17-year-old girl when he was 34. I was 8. He used to take me to her house. So pedophilia, too. And since I was 5, he'd talk to me about how he often planned his suicide. If premarital sex is unforgivable, what does that make suicide? A lot of mixed messages live in my head. So many times I had to talk myself back from the edge. It's so bad that I can't stand the image of God the Father. That's been ruined for me. Poor God. It's not fair, tarred with the same brush. Hopefully, I'll find a way to unsee and unhear those unpleasant associations. </div><div><br /></div><div>So on forgiving narcissistic abuse? Why should we? It won't help us heal. That's just a sales pitch to make it look more attractive. Forgiveness is only to make the perpetrator feel better. It drives those of us with CPTSD mad. We should all over ourselves with every breath, already. Expecting ourselves (because we are expected to by others) to perform some magic act to make the abuse all better is torture. </div><div><br /></div><div>I don't even think forgiveness, as we define it, is possible. I cannot fix what I didn't break. I am not responsible for that. To try is to invite further pain. It gives an already self-centered person more room to make it all about them. It further arms already dangerous people. It gives manipulators something more to twist and confuse us with. </div><div><br /></div><div>But for all this, we pray in the Our Father "forgive us as we forgive." In God's mind, we must be able to forgive or He wouldn't ask it of us. We must be able to forgive safely because God doesn't want us further endangered. So the problem with forgiveness must be in our definition. Which of course it is, if we are getting it from abusive people and abusive systems. </div><div><br /></div><div>God says "your ways are not my ways." I take that to mean that many of our preconceived notions about Him, His will and His expectations are wrong. And if they've been twisted by arrogant, proud, abusers who let's admit it, kinda fancy themselves God, they definitely are wrong. Dead and deadly wrong. </div><div><br /></div><div>Forgiveness in God's definition must be something good for us. It really does help us heal. So without further preamble, here's my idea of what God means by forgive. "To accept that the past will never be any different than it was." To accept that what happened, happened. To say, out loud, that what happened, happened. To not excuse, defend, deny, justify. And I also think that a part of forgiving, is knowing what we did and didn't do wrong. Owning what is ours and leaving to others what is theirs. For me, figuring out what ISN'T mine is the harder part. And then doing an authentic act of contrition (confess, repent, apologize and make amends) for what we did wrong. I'll blog more on that tomorrow, for sure. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Marilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4882984260626322133.post-2575250763081839932024-03-14T10:38:00.000-07:002024-03-14T10:38:49.426-07:00How I'm healing from narcissistic abuse by exploring scapegoating <p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQST_SDUhl1nEZnByqUxhCx0R-0Rzc4McHYY7pbsnEDF-5uFmTax3JMcOtLs1UfJHo1V3c_xR2AmU9502njZpSg4CWrCCE1MLAVXcxj6TtmqKFD1ntUf-kES1dCFQb0g-B7VBD0uGn2ZtUYF9pR0-xDAfMaNWkdTQpYwz-eOVmyEHX6rKqmIkC3_0pSW-N/s1280/WIN_20240314_13_37_50_Pro.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQST_SDUhl1nEZnByqUxhCx0R-0Rzc4McHYY7pbsnEDF-5uFmTax3JMcOtLs1UfJHo1V3c_xR2AmU9502njZpSg4CWrCCE1MLAVXcxj6TtmqKFD1ntUf-kES1dCFQb0g-B7VBD0uGn2ZtUYF9pR0-xDAfMaNWkdTQpYwz-eOVmyEHX6rKqmIkC3_0pSW-N/s320/WIN_20240314_13_37_50_Pro.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />Hello friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass surgery or weight loss drugs. If you follow this blog, you know that I've been issuing a series of weight loss challenges and this month it's March Madness. But as this month is unfolding, I'm realizing that it's more March Un-Madness or Stop the Madness. Because a lot of what I'm dealing with is addressing, or heck, just admitting, the CPTSD and PTSD madness created by systematic narcissistic from both parents and both step-parents. And as this is stream of consciousness blog, so to speak, what I deal with, you deal with. <p></p><p>If you came to this blog to find out how I lost 100 pounds, you might be surprised to learn how much weight gain, obesity, etc., has to do with emotional issues. I certainly was. But the more I learn about CPTSD and narcissistic abuse, the more physical health issues I discover those two create. Currently, I'm listening to Youtuber Richard Grannon and he discussed links to sleep apnea, weight gain, out-of-nowhere allergies and immune system disorders, things I've struggled with. </p><p>So that's why I discuss things that may seem unrelated to weight loss. Because part of how I lost 100 pounds was to look at these issues. Actually, the weight loss was just the tip of the iceberg and maybe even the least important way that I'm getting healthier. I'm seeing that often we get the wrong end of the stick. Or at least we only get part of it. Weight loss itself isn't the be-all-end-all. Because it always stems from some deeper emotional issue that needs to attention, too. Does the order of operations matter? Does it matter that I worked on weight loss first and am only now working on the emotional bit? I don't think so. Whether you walk, ride or drive to a destination, you still get there eventually. </p><p>Why do I feel the need to defend why I'm talking about these things? That is part of the narcissistic abuse trauma. I always had to explain myself, in triplicate, why did or didn't do something. And the answer I gave was never good enough. I was tried, found guilty and "executed" before I even did a thing. And I know now that this was (and still is) because I was the scapegoat. A term which means, sacrificial animal. I've said before that I was sacrificed on the altar (pun intended) of marital bliss of both parents in their new relationships. </p><p>If there was a job needed doing, it was mine to do. When someone was upset, hey, "maybe Mary could (insert thing I was supposed to do to make said person happy)" to quote my dad. Never mind how unhappy (tired, sick, hurt) it made me. My step-ma was notorious for weaponizing her "back problems" (I put them in quotes because what I realize now is that what she had was morbid obesity and chronic laziness). So I did all the vacuuming, mopping (hands and knees) and ironing. I had legitimate back problems not due to being overweight but from scoliosis and congenital hip dysplasia. But no one cared about that. </p><p>When one of the big 4 was angry, I was the target. When my siblings did something wrong, I was blamed. When there was a difference of opinion, mine was shamed and theirs was supported. All their combined personal culpability was placed on the scapegoat, me. In their view, I caused their fights. I didn't act like a "family member." I disobeyed. I talked back. I was in the way. They gave their new spouses carte blanche to use and abuse me. When my step-father mocked me and teased me for my breast size, my mother laughed along. </p><p>But no matter how many sins they heaped on scapegoat moi, it was never enough. They still felt guilty and miserable. They still disliked each other. Their children grew up for the most part very irresponsible. These are just logical consequences. And it's also how I know that it was narcissistic abuse and not good parenting as they gaslit me into thinking. The fact that it all went so horribly wrong. The fact that pour as we might, the black hole never filled up. Two of them have passed, never realizing or admitting that it was their job to fix themselves, not mine. The other two will probably go the same way. And that's another reason I know it's narcissistic abuse. Their complete lack of responsibility or recognition that it was wrong. </p><p>Why do I need constant reminding that it was abusive? That's the contradictory nature of such abuse. You begin to gaslight yourself and question every. single. thing. you. do. say. feel. believe. I grew up thinking that this was okay. I knew it wasn't okay for others. I did and would never do this to someone else. This created a cognitive dissonance in me for the last 59 years. </p><p>But my 60th birthday present to myself is to get quit of it. And I'm doing that by accepting that I was the scapegoat. That the past is never going to be any different than it was. That they didn't love me or have my best intentions at heart. That when they said they did, it was just so much more narcissistic abuse. </p><p>And the best gift of all? The piece de resistance? I am saying that it was wrong and that I won't allow it to be done to me again. Whatever that needs to look like, be it no contact or refusing or saying no. I will not associate with people who hurt me. I am responsible for me and NO ONE ELSE. (louder of those in the back). NEVER AGAIN. </p><p>So this is how I lost 100 pounds. By detoxing toxic shame and fumigating the gaslighting and doing me and no one else. By becoming a little self-centered myself. So where does this leave me? Even as I write this, the spider's eggs that were planted in my brain are hatching. And their busy yelling at me that I should do thus and such to help my remaining parent and step-parent. That I need to reach out and confront them so that they can heal and get absolution, get ready for heaven, yada yada. (please note: it's still all about them.) </p><p>Tomorrow I'll blog about why I'm not going to do that and why forgiveness is a bad idea. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Marilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4882984260626322133.post-17732812555712997932024-03-13T13:07:00.000-07:002024-03-13T13:07:11.579-07:00How I'm healing from gaslighting by recognizing covert narcissism<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuV6MaglsVkXO-azHEeoHy0PARJ_E0EhK4F66_9iKEvk3pflMXuP46btykOWstcOyYmRkuqYnG4jueXGzLPc7vTqDEvImIqRI62Bi_SNLJ6nxbcjpeBnG2K18wwv0-DqP4d2rXlcckWaCWXojgW3l313H58dP4l2TrcGmQaOxtb1_4iWeoBE2ISU0oVKup/s1280/WIN_20240313_16_06_41_Pro.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuV6MaglsVkXO-azHEeoHy0PARJ_E0EhK4F66_9iKEvk3pflMXuP46btykOWstcOyYmRkuqYnG4jueXGzLPc7vTqDEvImIqRI62Bi_SNLJ6nxbcjpeBnG2K18wwv0-DqP4d2rXlcckWaCWXojgW3l313H58dP4l2TrcGmQaOxtb1_4iWeoBE2ISU0oVKup/s320/WIN_20240313_16_06_41_Pro.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /> Hello my friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs. As you will know if you follow, I've been delving more into the toxic shame, parental gaslighting and narcissistic abuse I experienced. And the more I do, the more I find how much this has informed every, and I do mean EVERY aspect of my self. And in keeping with my March Madness weight loss challenge, I'm going to explore how I'm healing from parental gaslighting by exposing the madness covert narcissism induces. Because madness isn't just a cute sound byte. It's exactly how covert narcissism makes me feel! <p></p><p>For the last 59.5 years of my life, I've lived in a fog of confusion about what exactly happened to me. From childhood on through to now, I've breathed the toxic gas, believed the lies and lived by a false narrative I was brainwashed into believing. I've done a lot of work over the years in mental health but never really examined or questioned any of this part of my life. I worked on me. I worked on current relationships, parenting, etc. I never worked on my so-damaged inner child. I tended the flowers but not the roots. </p><p>So now I'm going deeper to find out just where this toxic shame and chronic guilt come from. And I see at every turn, evidence of parental narcissism. But still, the gaslighting causes me to question what I see. Were they narcissistic or is this just you misunderstanding, misrepresenting, EXAGGERATING and being TOO SENSITIVE again? </p><p>Part of it is that while my dad fits the more classic pattern NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) with some anti-social and borderline mixed in, my mother doesn't. Her behavior is very...confusing. But also very backhanded, passive-aggressive and damaging. </p><p>It wasn't until I watched a Youtube video by Richard Grannon that I realized that what I was dealing with, was fragile or vulnerable or covert narcissism. This is kind of a high-low, bipolar narcissism that cycles when it fails to get it's fix. This explains why the grandiose, exaggerated and hypocritical Bible-beating of "rules for thee are not for me" juxtaposed with pitiful, pathetic tales of woe. </p><p>This sheds light on the outlandish and unfounded claims of poverty, hardship and victimization. This makes bizarre, impulsive and seductive behavior more understandable. This explains the Munchausen-ish mystery ailments which no doctor seems to understand. It puts the pie-throwing (in my face, really) the odd deafness with no medical proof, the feigned dementia-like acts, the wearing nightgowns in public in perspective. It addresses the hypocritical preaching against things that she commonly does herself. </p><p>Just one of these behaviors might be explainable. Together they form a pattern of passive-aggressive, attention-seeking and cycling between overt and covert narcissism. When she's on a high, she can do no wrong. When she's in need of a fix, the false vulnerability is a ploy for pity. It's guilt-inducing, subtly shaming and utterly confusing. It's also a lose-lose situation for me. I'll never be able to fill the black hole and so I'm perceived and made to feel like I'm failing. It has created a false reality for me, otherwise known as childhood. </p><p>Recognizing this is the first step. Next is reminding myself that I don't owe anyone fixing (lather, rinse, repeat). Now I need to keep working on identifying covert narcissism and not being sucked into the endless blame-shame cycle. </p><p><br /></p>Marilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4882984260626322133.post-49647662659225248032024-03-11T16:02:00.000-07:002024-03-11T16:02:02.325-07:00How I lost 100 pounds with madly easy diet food swaps for March Madness Weight Loss Challenge <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzxcS-b4aQmvhliExqNAmAKbw-o6Hcj4RuqCDQZ1ovW9Z2vdp8dwW-ZMW5gmZWSChYwzNpZ4Mocpk7A35-FMSjhlPPvvFddUuQKCDDUvBOExH7jgLWFxxC8TxALACSra9W_fCFDGdapxNeoHQl7QDas-PofLO6CWCmqf9fCqyDAkBMfY0Vs8QDI3Y1Qic2/s1280/WIN_20240311_18_58_52_Pro.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzxcS-b4aQmvhliExqNAmAKbw-o6Hcj4RuqCDQZ1ovW9Z2vdp8dwW-ZMW5gmZWSChYwzNpZ4Mocpk7A35-FMSjhlPPvvFddUuQKCDDUvBOExH7jgLWFxxC8TxALACSra9W_fCFDGdapxNeoHQl7QDas-PofLO6CWCmqf9fCqyDAkBMfY0Vs8QDI3Y1Qic2/s320/WIN_20240311_18_58_52_Pro.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />Hello my friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass surgery or weight loss drugs. Our weight loss challenge for this month is March Madness. Here are madly easy diet food swaps and diet recipes! Before I begin, some thoughts. <p></p><p>You know that show "My 600-lb Life" where patients with morbid obesity work to lose weight with gastric bypass surgery? Well, one thing I notice on every "My 600-lb Life" is not only how much calorie driven food they eat but how simple it would be to tweak them with diet food swaps. And these aren't yucky diet food swaps. They taste essentially the same. </p><p>Quantity of food also an issue. To overcome obesity, people on "My 600-lb Life" follow a 1200 calorie diet. But the good thing about these diet food swaps is that they allow you to eat more, while still keeping to the 1200 calorie diet. This was an integral part of how I lost 100 pounds. Here are my best diet food swaps for our March Madness weight loss challenge. </p><p>Light butter or real butter mixed half and half with light olive oil</p><p>45 calorie a slice bread (this can cut calories by up to 75%)</p><p>Joseph's lavash or pita or Fold-It protein wraps in place of bread or tortillas</p><p>grapefruit or berries in place of other fruits</p><p>whole fruit instead of juice</p><p>vegetables instead of fruit (sweeten foods with sweet potatoes of squash)</p><p>Beef instead of pork, chicken instead of beef, fish instead of chicken</p><p>falafel and hummus instead of meat</p><p>Stay tuned for more on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Marilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4882984260626322133.post-35716702554868358332024-03-05T09:23:00.000-08:002024-03-05T09:45:12.034-08:00Detoxing from toxic shame and gaslighting: accepting that you can't make this sh*t up<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6zdpHxtO5vr2nL8zCoxOIdc8dXrx-Erw1fPLQsaCtUUc5rA_qTGtMTNZ4uyOJm93XhkgkLHd8te7LrndSiavs4f9_Yxdkp8z3KNCgCgjpII5RQgO8OwcnJpyxlSz238N2JF5h9lpY0Jv-QrL52s5v44Hw1wErKD9LwxD9xI-8GIMCbVZUmuJ-DGCJH9Hu/s220/Sol_de_Mayo-Bandera_de_Argentina.svg.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="220" data-original-width="220" height="220" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6zdpHxtO5vr2nL8zCoxOIdc8dXrx-Erw1fPLQsaCtUUc5rA_qTGtMTNZ4uyOJm93XhkgkLHd8te7LrndSiavs4f9_Yxdkp8z3KNCgCgjpII5RQgO8OwcnJpyxlSz238N2JF5h9lpY0Jv-QrL52s5v44Hw1wErKD9LwxD9xI-8GIMCbVZUmuJ-DGCJH9Hu/s1600/Sol_de_Mayo-Bandera_de_Argentina.svg.png" width="220" /></a></div><br /> Hello friends! This blog is fast becoming as much about how I'm detoxing from toxic shame and gaslighting as how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs. I said in my last post that gaslighting worked on me because I was unwilling to believe the alternative which turned out actually to be true. So part of how I'm detoxing from gaslighting is to breathe fresh air into the noxious fume filled space of my mind. Said simply, I'm looking at the lies that were told to me with the eyes of an adult, reparenting if you will. <p></p><p>One of the most insidious was a notion that my parents (and the people they married, whom I no longer call step-parents) could do no wrong. That rigid, unquestioning obedience to their rule, no matter how hypocritical was the only way to survive. That pleasing them was pleasing God. </p><p>This is so rooted in my core that I'm having difficulty shaking loose from it. Partly because, like all the lies of gaslighting, it has some truth to it. That if I stop believing that parental obedience is the be-all-end-all, I will cut myself off from God. But also like all gaslighting it's twisted to self-serving ends that not only don't please God, they anger him. </p><p>So this notion is obviously based on the commandment to "Honor your father and mother." But the letter of the law was manipulated to negate the spirit of the commandment. It was also taken out of context, misapplied and reinvented to mean something very different from it's actual intent. The way it was presented to me was do as we (we as in all four of us and also our offspring, not God) say not as we do. </p><p>Countless times, things were presented as wrong for me and others to do but right and even good, for them. Case in point: abortion. Parent preaches against abortion yet I clearly remember waiting in the car at an abortion clinic while said parent took girl in her foster care in to get one. Parent's excuse: well, she was going to get there somehow. So you just took her? </p><p>I grew up believing that rot. That everything that you said was wrong for me and others, was God's will because you did it. And it's not because you had an epiphany and realized what you did was wrong. You proclaimed yourself as "pro-life", marched us to church and played the organ all the while. I wonder what the people of First Christian Church would have said if they knew?</p><p>And then there were the three, count them three, unmarried couples sleeping together in our home. One of which was you and boyfriend who slept two floors down in the basement while I was forced to sleep upstairs crammed in a small room with four special needs children 4 and under. Another of which was my uncle and his girlfriend who were given my room to share. And under whose bed were kept a stack of porno magazines. We all sat big as life in church every Sunday. </p><p>Now it might be easy to say, well, Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven. Ehhh, slippery slope there. Jesus didn't say to the woman in adultery, "carry on!" He said go and sin no more. And you hadn't repented. You were living openly in sin and encouraging others to do so in our home. You were playing both ends for the middle. You have never repented even though you pontificated against adultery. Even if you have said some kind of mea culpae, you never did what the gospel you preach said to do. Leave your gift at the altar and MAKE AMENDS TO THOSE YOU HURT. That would be me. </p><p>How did anyone not see how wrong that was??? Especially then, when no one in the neighborhood was even divorced let alone playing house with a boyfriend. Times were different all right. They were much more conservative. I was the kid others avoided because my homelife was unsavory. I was tarred with your brush. </p><p>But I just thought it was all okay because you did it. Even though I heard it defined as sin, every Sunday. Now I know it was wrong. I still make excuses but I'm learning not to. I could cut you slack if you'd had no better upbringing. But your parents were decent, caring people who gave you all they could. By rights, as my husband says, I should one big trainwreck, given my upbringing. And I am pretty messed up thanks to lots of mixed messages. But thanks be to God for keeping away from the worst of it. </p><p>Even if you'd lied to spare me, I could have understood that to some extent. But you lied to cover yourself, further your own agenda and to maintain your selfish lifestyle. Your lies damaged and have continued to damage me. They have almost destroyed me. They confused, exploited and manipulated me. I was led astray by them and almost fell off the cliff with the weight. </p><p>These are just two ways I was gaslit by the adults in my life. There are so many more that I can't see much happy through the cloud of gas. I have no memory of large chunks of my life, beyond these kinds of experiences. I've tried so hard to call up times I was happy. Save, at grandparents, I can't. I think that's because there just wasn't much to be happy about. </p><p>So what have I learned? That if it walks and squawks like it's wrong, it's wrong. And if it's wrong, it's wrong for everyone. And that if I've discovered a few lies, there are more. That there is a God and he's not my parents. That God doesn't expect me to obey when what I'm told to do hurts. That God loves this little girl and that if anyone hurts her, it would be better that a millstone be hung around their necks. God's words not mine. </p><p>I don't want to see anyone hurt. But neither can I allow myself to go on being hurt. I have to shut off the gas once and for all. By blogging about it. By naming it. Telling secrets that should not have been kept. Asking questions. Why did you do it? Why did no one see what was happening? Why did no one call it out? Why did I have to grow up thinking I deserved this? Why did I have to feel so alone? Why do I still feel that I'm crazy and wrong?</p><p>I think it's time to hold the perpetrators accountable instead of letting the fault rest remain on me. Time to tell the truth regardless the cost and not apologize for how it might upset someone. I'm the one who lived it. There was no one to comfort or even acknowledge how hard it was. and no one has ever apologized to me.</p><p>As you have probably surmised, there's a lot more of this to come. Honestly, I wouldn't blame you if you quit reading. But going by the fact that there are more readers than ever, I think this resonates. If you have experienced anything like this, share your story. Tell secrets. Don't let them tell you no one cares. I care. God cares and I think others do too. Don't believe them that you are too sensitive. You're not sensitive enough. Your feelings have been dismissed so you ignore them. You aren't too thin-skinned. Your skin is calloused and too thick from constant hurt. </p><p>If you've never experienced anything like this, I'm glad. If you say, like a counselor did, "you can't make this shit up" thank you. Thank you for reading, for walking thru the trauma with me. I've felt so alone with my memories over the years it felt like maybe they didn't happen. Thank God for my husband who holds my hand and cares and believes. Thank God for caring people like you, to help me see that I matter. </p><p>Love and peace. Mar</p><p><br /></p>Marilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4882984260626322133.post-53461596402987479112024-03-05T07:59:00.000-08:002024-03-05T07:59:53.538-08:00How I'm detoxing from toxic shame<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoEhSGrFaEhy4B1SFm0qPRpQMK-X7Ulf7k6SSKfkJWDgO7iVmZjIVREU7nv-5gSRAu3n_T0KWs8_-vs-iVU9bJjZiG_DIzcmyUEZnMZRKITeXRTzdaiTa56j1JlFtVDM6qu-leOAh0BPvFcWDroQG9k3b22Dr0nF4bK_HwxheNO_3pAdZPzuRIXzySB287/s3264/IMG_20220626_154827657_PORTRAIT.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3264" data-original-width="2448" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoEhSGrFaEhy4B1SFm0qPRpQMK-X7Ulf7k6SSKfkJWDgO7iVmZjIVREU7nv-5gSRAu3n_T0KWs8_-vs-iVU9bJjZiG_DIzcmyUEZnMZRKITeXRTzdaiTa56j1JlFtVDM6qu-leOAh0BPvFcWDroQG9k3b22Dr0nF4bK_HwxheNO_3pAdZPzuRIXzySB287/s320/IMG_20220626_154827657_PORTRAIT.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />Hello friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass surgery or weight loss drugs. I've been writing a great deal about emotional healing from the effects of parental gaslighting, toxic shame and chronic guilt. What's weird about about toxic shame is the way it feeds on itself. Like right now, the voices (memories) in my head are scolding me, saying "oh give it a rest! Quit dramatizing! It wasn't that bad! You're too sensitive! Everyone's sick of hearing about it! (when no one had ever heard it)" Like I always heard before. <p></p><p>So part of how I lost 100 pounds and am working to lose toxic shame and guilt is to talk back to the voices. Now that I recognize the gaslighting for what it was (and still is) I'm airing the room of toxic gas fumes. I'm rewriting the narrative. I'm countering every negative message that keeps playing, with fresh, new detoxed thinking. In short I'm acting as if (Alanon nod here) I can trust my version of events and that I don't believe I'm a total failure. </p><p>So what exactly does that have to do with how I lost 100 pounds? I'm still formulating so bear with me. When I was victim to parental gaslighting, manipulation, exploitation and abuse, I was told and believed that I was powerless, helpless and hopeless. The only way to live was to "serve" others. Translation: do and be everything expected of me, without question. Accept their every dictum, demand and delusion, no matter how irrational and arbitrary. That God was calling me to be used and abused at others' whims. </p><p>For the longest time, like nearly 60 years, I've lived with these beliefs as part of my fundamental being. I wasn't able to consciously articulate them. They exist in my muscle memory, my core. They haunt my dreams. I hid from them because they are too terrifying and mind-effy to address. But God has been helping me to pry my hands off my eyes and look them square on. Or at least in a mirror, like Medusa. </p><p>And the shocker is the feebleness of these ideas when held up the light of day. They are what's powerless. I laugh when I see how ludicrous and absurd they are. Like when you wake from a nightmare and realize IT WASN'T REAL!! The relief is edible! My mind and heart are slowly, with baby steps, learning to feel the peace that passes all understanding. This serenity is real and the gaslighting messages are fake. Many enormous burdens that have been crippling me, are being lifted with this realization. </p><p>As to the weight loss, it was metaphorical as well as physical, or maybe metaphysical, beyond the scope of physical. Being released from the pressure of these crazy, sick thoughts that were planted my brain, being rescued from the crushing weight of toxic shame is the most joy-giving thing that has ever happened to me. Because now I can fully feel and enjoy the joyful life experiences (marriage, children, relationships) that up to now were withheld from me by toxic shame. </p><p>Ironically, though I parented their kids, I was also told that I was too (insert insult) to have children of my own. THIS is the shaming voice of gaslighting. "You must do everything for us but you can't be trusted to do it right." I'm sure you hear the hypocrisy and manipulation in this. It took me decades to. But now that I do, it's plain as day. </p><p>They had to keep my duped, drugged and shackled by shame. If I ever got free of their them, I'd see not only how toxic but also how ridiculous was their behavior. You might wonder, as have I, why I believed the gaslighting things they did and said. It's a fair question and one I'm not sure I have the answer to yet. </p><p>I think it stems from my crippling empath nature and an obsessive need to people please, which they recognized and leveraged shamelessly. Either that or they exploited my naturally caring nature to unhealthy levels. Regardless, all four of the parent figures got exactly what they wanted out of me and I got a deadly self-hatred that almost killed me.</p><p>Because it wasn't enough to just get me to do everything for everyone. I had to be made to feel ashamed. Not good enough. Broken. Stupid. Foolish. A disappointment. Bad. Not worthy of basic human needs. That extreme, arbitrary rules applied to me but not them. That God loved, forgave, even approved their every toxic act but me, he hated. No forgiveness for me. </p><p>So I internalized all of it. I sopped it up like a damn sponge. Because it was safer than admitting how much they despised me. Oh yes, that's what it was. I've made excuses to myself. Others have made excuses. They meant well. They didn't know any better. They didn't know how to be parents. Yada BULLSHIT yada! Who means well that sees their child suicidal with shame and just heaps more on??? Who pushed their kid to the brink and then laughs when they fall over??? </p><p>They were NOT raised this way. They did know better. All of my grandparents gave them good homes with things they needed. Not perfect but normal. And they knew how to parent their other kids and teach them to exploit me. They got all excited about every shit their other kids took. Every hobby, interest and pursuit. For me, sneering and shame. </p><p>You like acting? You're showing off. You like theater? Theater is of the devil! You graduated college? Whoopee. You came in late? You can't live here anymore! (age 16). You're being stalked? Ignore it. You were sexually molested. How irritating for me. I might lose my foster care license. on and and on and on. Ad nauseum.</p><p>I didn't want to see how little they thought of me. I made excuses for them because no parent could have such hatred toward their kid that they would routinely abuse, endanger and abandon. How could I wrap my mind around that and live? And that I think, is the gist of it. That's what kept me enslaved. </p><p>And that ironically has also been my way out. Answer: no parent does that. So they weren't parents. I was theirs, in the slave-master way. But they, in some boggling made-up way, had no responsibility to me. And that itself would have been difficult enough. But factor in the egregious destruction of my mind and emotions, and it becomes something inexplicably bizarre and dark. </p><p>Which is my way out because what is inexplicable is either very good of very bad. And since it has no bearing in love, as defined by the Bible, it must be of evil. As Sherlock Holmes says, "once you've established the impossible whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth." It is impossible that their behavior was loving. So improbable as it is, they must dislike me very much. </p><p>Now that I have accepted that, and that what they do is gaslighting (lie, deceive) everything else falls into place. It all makes sense, in a distorted way. The cloud cuckoo shein could only exist if I kept quiet and upheld lies. So I was kept quiet by toxic shame which I was already prone to. </p><p>My way out is to examine each wrong thing that was said and done to me with the eyes of a loving adult. To reparent myself. This is going to take a long time cause there's a lot of wrong to rethink. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Marilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4882984260626322133.post-29224562251857293132024-03-01T08:56:00.000-08:002024-03-11T08:41:13.052-07:00How I'm overcoming toxic shame by looking it in the face<p> Hello my friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds! I know I promised you some fun diet tips for our March Madness weight loss challenge, and we will return you to that regularly scheduled program. But this blog is also about getting emotionally healthier too. Cuz it's all part of the same, thing, this mind-body-emotions connection. </p><p>Today I need to examine how chronic toxic shame has controlled me and how much I'd like to heal from it. And one way to do that is to look it in the face, literally. My computer's camera has been freezing, as I was taking selfies for this blog. This Candid Camera catches me when I'm not posed. And the result was pretty disturbing. </p><p>I have this pinched, grim look on my face. It looks like I'm constipated or something. Awful. And if I look like this most of the time, I feel sorry for you who have to see me. But I got to thinking that this is not the RBF of anger or irritation as it appears, but of toxic shame. Constant chronic guilt and shame have etched "scars" into my face. They've distorted my demeanor and behavior and twisted my facial features. Like an emotional acid-throwing. </p><p>You could tell WW1 soldiers who were gassed by the scars around their eyes. Many were blinded by it. I realize that I was "blinded" by emotional gassing from gaslighting. I couldn't see what had happened. And these are part of the "scars" you can see around my eyes. </p><p>My face is a tense mask because I'm never relaxed. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin because I was taught not to be. I learned early on that if there was fault or blame in a situation they were mine. That no matter what I gave it wasn't enough. I learned to be prepared for passive-aggressive anger, aggressive anger, punishment, mocking and shaming. </p><p>I was exploited, neglected, abused, parentified and manipulated. But I was expected to just take this as part of being a "family member." Situations were convoluted and made to appear to me as normal. That everyone else was treated the same. I wasn't being singled out or bullied. That is the gaslighting. And I was continually breathing those poisonous gas fumes of till I was thoroughly poisoned and didn't question it any more. </p><p>I just mopped up the toxic shame and guilt and internalized it. But I couldn't quite hide the fear. It seeped out in my expressions and gestures. My anxious, eager-to-please-yet-knowing-I-won't hyper vigilance showed and still shows when I'm not consciously covering it. My moves are defensive, sitting crumpled in on myself, trying to stay small and make no sudden moves. Like a terrified animal. </p><p>But I am beginning to pry my hands off my eyes and look these terrible experiences in the face. In my face. I'm beginning to, instead, admit that I was gaslit and that I learned to auto-shame myself. No one else was being treated as I was. I wasn't a family member. I was a scapegoat, surrogate parent, surrogate spouse and servant. </p><p>It's only been within the last month or so that I've even dared to call their behavior gaslighting. And that's because I've seen the gas "scars" on my face. For the last 58 years, 7 months, I've been hiding from horrific things that were done and said. I've blotted out the voices, the shaming, the systematic abuse, the nauseating fear. I've cushioned my memories of their appalling behavior with excuses. I've lied and assured myself that they didn't mean it. They were joking. I was exaggerating. I was too sensitive. I was too critical. yada. </p><p>But now I'm beginning to see that as the man who become my father-in-law (God rest his soul) said when he was told about how I was treated. "That's bullshit!!" I am re-experiencing what happened without the toxic cloud of gas to obscure. I am going to write through each experience, to put them in perspective. Every time I do, I find (and am affirmed by those I share with) that I was NOT exaggerating. Neither was I at fault or to blame. Of if I was, it was a mistake or just a kid thing. It did NOT warrant the atrocious consequences I experienced. </p><p>And that brings me to what will need to be another blog post. Nothing a person, especially a child, can do, warrants abuse, neglect, manipulation, exploitation, vicious punishment or shaming. That is just plain toxic behavior. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLcJ-p-7Q-_QbV-o8N6rV0tX_elTy92hag4B3vA3TJZqbT9MOGtcnOjemrbfxDe4ekrCqG5dSL-3KE0WjXwZan_FFtQdgy5LfietmVwS5v-NHLnlye0IZdjH0exTSaa0NHPjovC1KbSg_E3cM-9f1HymAK9du12DeuqN8VsjxTgkag8Vg5sjO84Faeqf2c/s2048/20190628_215631.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLcJ-p-7Q-_QbV-o8N6rV0tX_elTy92hag4B3vA3TJZqbT9MOGtcnOjemrbfxDe4ekrCqG5dSL-3KE0WjXwZan_FFtQdgy5LfietmVwS5v-NHLnlye0IZdjH0exTSaa0NHPjovC1KbSg_E3cM-9f1HymAK9du12DeuqN8VsjxTgkag8Vg5sjO84Faeqf2c/s320/20190628_215631.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br /><br /></div><br /><p></p><p><br /></p>Marilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4882984260626322133.post-82272086925470658442024-03-01T08:09:00.000-08:002024-03-01T08:09:35.993-08:00How I lost 100 pounds with March Madness weight loss challenge, just for the fun of it! <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD8Wzm2MRP3B5JpnHV3DUrAIJOny7AUpadHMX2YBEu4Tn2VfxwTrt_2ttnWqUllh0TWLs6xjvnZcf3KXFzc4ZZTyER7zVF9dROcnsR_PAcn5QEt5LmudadfioEcgkxQECuVwyXHsUiwm8i_l2kvZzV-FifyD72xLgPSy0S_ALaBhfjBadOZwv5c61zGW87/s1280/WIN_20240301_11_07_42_Pro.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD8Wzm2MRP3B5JpnHV3DUrAIJOny7AUpadHMX2YBEu4Tn2VfxwTrt_2ttnWqUllh0TWLs6xjvnZcf3KXFzc4ZZTyER7zVF9dROcnsR_PAcn5QEt5LmudadfioEcgkxQECuVwyXHsUiwm8i_l2kvZzV-FifyD72xLgPSy0S_ALaBhfjBadOZwv5c61zGW87/s320/WIN_20240301_11_07_42_Pro.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div> Hello and welcome to this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass surgery or weight loss drugs! Today begins a new month and you know what that means here...a new weight loss challenge! This time it's a March Madness Weight loss challenge! And this one's just for fun! Are you ready, my fellow Mad Hatters? Let's go! <br /><p></p><p>First, let me begin by saying that this isn't a competition. It's just you doing what you in your wisdom know you need to do, whatever that may be. Do you think you need to lose weight? You can! It's simple! And that brings me to the first mad idea about weight loss. </p><p>A common diet myth says weight loss has to be difficult and miserable and complicated. I'm going rogue to say that in fact, it's quite simple. Just a matter of less and better in, really, whether that's with a 1200 calorie diet, or calorie restricting with intermittent fasting. You can follow keto or some other kind of diet if you want, also. </p><p>Now you might be thinking, okay, simple, yes, but easy? It can't be. It's got to be grueling and unpleasant to lose weight. And you would be partly right that it's not always easy to follow the 1200 calorie diet or intermittent fasting. But it's not as hard as I thought it would be. Part of how I lost 100 pounds was to have fun with weight loss! Seriously! </p><p>And that brings me right up to tomorrow's post on how I lost 100 pounds with fun, yes fun, tips and tricks, like this March Madness Weight loss challenge! I'll post more later on enjoyable ways to keep that 1200 calorie diet on track! <br /></p><p><br /></p>Marilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4882984260626322133.post-12458287712294967302024-02-29T12:58:00.000-08:002024-02-29T12:58:20.847-08:00How I lost 100 pounds with monthly weight loss challenges<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-P2-iKxXLQ2qfHkgBsGZ9QUVC0WKEkIXksAXdd1DOhzIgo5fAIG15lN2NErjrAKJWP9ImOj5nWSfkkbvLOsXYWdPXQn2OYOvz7pjCsQmDy9sO-kQKUOFjKTn72UAyeftiDYGwylk2kya_gfkILv5uawdXJKSCHeISetGA-kBuPmEc1PiOH6NTkrXyfzb5/s1280/WIN_20240229_15_56_25_Pro.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-P2-iKxXLQ2qfHkgBsGZ9QUVC0WKEkIXksAXdd1DOhzIgo5fAIG15lN2NErjrAKJWP9ImOj5nWSfkkbvLOsXYWdPXQn2OYOvz7pjCsQmDy9sO-kQKUOFjKTn72UAyeftiDYGwylk2kya_gfkILv5uawdXJKSCHeISetGA-kBuPmEc1PiOH6NTkrXyfzb5/s320/WIN_20240229_15_56_25_Pro.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />Hello friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass surgery or weight loss drugs. Today ends my Happy Heart February weight loss challenge. This month I've devoted more to emotional wellness. For me, this means overcoming toxic shame and chronic guilt and working to heal CPTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder). This stems from parental exploitation, neglect, abuse and parentification and was compounded by gaslighting. <p></p><p>I worked through this month exposing experiences in which this has happened throughout my life. For the first time in my almost 6 decade life, I've said what happened. I've told secrets. I've said how I felt about it. I've been honest with myself and you my readers instead of covering up and participating in my own gaslighting. It might have seemed that none of this had anything to do with how I got overweight or how I lost 100 pounds. It did in the sense that getting emotionally healthier is crucial to getting physically healthier. </p><p>Beginning tomorrow, I'm issuing a March Madness Weight Loss Challenge that will include some avant garde tips and "mad" ways to lose weight. We'll end this Happy Heart February by sharing that part of how I lost 100 pounds was with weight loss challenges such as these. Even if I had a rough previous month, I can always restart working on my health goals. And a new month provides the perfect time for that fresh start! Love you all, mar</p>Marilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4882984260626322133.post-71665389170242556092024-02-28T10:38:00.000-08:002024-02-28T10:39:08.287-08:00How I'm detoxing the poisonous effects of gaslighting by becoming a human being instead of a human doingHello friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs. What began with this month's Happy Heart February weight loss challenge has morphed into an Odyssey of emotional exploration. I heard a call to go down memory lane, to get to the bottom of my persistent nightmares, CPTSD, toxic shame, chronic guilt and constant sense of failure. I've been blogging about my encounters on this "Camino de Santiago of the soul." <div><br /></div><div>I've faced the neglect, abandonment, exploitation, passive-aggressive guilting, unmerited punishment, parentification, manipulation, abuse and gaslighting I experienced with open eyes instead of the blind refusal to admit that my parents and stepparents were wrong. I'm beginning to put it all into perspective based on my actual impressions, memories and feelings, not the spun narratives I've been indoctrinated with. I'm saying what happened instead of perpetuating the lies and coverups. <div><br /></div><div>What I am coming to understand is that those experiences and gaslighting by adults about what was really happening, fed my constant toxic shame, chronic guilt, and sense of lose-lose failure. I began from a very young age, to internalize the gaslighting and even to gaslight myself. This is the nature of the gaslighting beast. It feeds on itself and grows bigger and bigger until it is the only reality you know. If you've ever been chronically gaslit, you know just what I mean. </div><div><br /></div><div>The lies, smoke and mirrors create a false world that blots out the real one. Gaslighters are SOOO believable with their manipulation. They don't just lie. It's even worse than that. They distort truth, dismiss other versions, exaggerate your faults and mistakes and refuse to acknowledge their own. They sense your weakness (in my case, raging empath, false responsibility, toxic guilt and shame). Even God was twisted to be an implacable tyrant who expected me to serve everyone to the destruction of myself. </div></div><div><br /></div><div>Weirdly, or not, when you are being gaslit, you understand that it does and should only apply to you. You are the one in the wrong. No one else. Your siblings aren't treated this way. Your parents and stepparents don't treat each other that way. That's because you are the problem. You, in your own little self, are responsible for and routinely fail to provide, others happiness. It makes interacting with others outside your tiny dark gaslit world, virtually impossible. </div><div><br /></div><div>You see they aren't experiencing this. They don't see the world as you do. They don't feel the fear, terror, horror, shame, guilt and misery you dwell in. Generally, they misunderstand you or think you're really odd. You often end up bullied and exploited on the outside too. If you do give the impression of fitting in, it's only because you're so good at faking and playing a part. </div><div><br /></div><div>And fitting into the real world is an oxymoron too. Gaslighting has told you that common rights are for others but not for you. You've been forced to live by a complicated set of rules and expectations that change at a whim, that others haven't. You are expected to somehow make your way in this foreign place where you don't belong, can't fit in and shouldn't believe you deserve to. Yet you can't ask for help because gaslighting has also told you to keep secrets. They say you're making a scene, lying, making a fool of yourself, showing off or being too sensitive. </div><div> </div><div>You grow up never even thinking to tell anyone. Here's where it gets even more complicated. You've been told that you're treated as you deserve and that they are always right. BUT they also don't want yo to tell anyone and pull out every shaming tactic they can to keep you quiet. If they really knew you, they'd know they didn't need to. You've breathed in the gas and internalized the lies. You're so busy gaslighting yourself. And you don't want to hurt or upset anyone. You have become the perfect daughter, they expected you to be, but you don't know it because you're so stuck in guilt and shame. </div><div><br /></div><div>Little ones, if ANY of this resonates, let me breathe some fresh, clean air into you. See, it doesn't matter how much you give, or do, or love or are. You will never satisfy these black holes. They are bottomless. They just go on taking, digesting you and spitting you out, used up. BUT...you don't have to do or be or give or love any more than you do. In fact, you can back off on the giving because if you're like me, it's become all you know. </div><div><br /></div><div>But it's not. You are person. YOU ARE ENOUGH! YOU ARE LOVEABLE! YOU ARE WHOLE and BEAUTIFUL. You are, to quote P!NK "f-cking perfect." </div><div><br /></div><div>I am having to breathe this air too. And after 6 decades of the noxious fumes of gaslighting, it's a sweet perfume. I'm coming out of the cloud of despair, shame and misery. I'm learning that I'm NOT a human doing but a human being. </div><div><br /></div><div>This is ALL thanks to my higher power and some very lovely people He put in my life, who call me wife, mom, Omi and friend. I'm not to the promised land yet. But I'm on the camino. Please join me? </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Marilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4882984260626322133.post-65963030196896959652024-02-27T11:55:00.000-08:002024-02-27T11:55:58.431-08:00How I'm overcoming toxic shame and gaslighting by affirming the truth<p> Hello friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds. Lately I've been working on emotional issues related to gaslighting, toxic shame, chronic guilt and low self-esteem. Just recently, I had an Aha moment that has been very helpful to healing. I realized that all my life, I've affirmed the wrong things. I've believed and trusted people who didn't merit it. I've made excuses for others' exploitation, neglect, abuse and abandonment. I've ignored my own feelings to protect others' mistreatment of me and in so doing participated in my own gaslighting. </p><p>The aha moment came when I recalled an incident of sexual abuse I experienced at the hands of a teenager with past history of aggressive behavior, who was in my mother's and her boyfriend's foster care. When I told mom, I felt at the time that she was passive-aggressively angry with me. It seemed to me that she thought I was lying. She expressed annoyance that now she would have to make the young man leave our home. I felt at the time that she was more concerned with him and her foster care than she was with me. </p><p>Now, bear in mind that this is possibly the most painful thing I've ever had to tell anyone. I was ashamed, disgusted, humiliated and very vulnerable. I didn't want to tell anyone. I remember, after seeing her response, instantly wishing I'd not brought it up. I asked if I was wrong to and she irritably said no I was right to and she'd handle it. And that was that. Later that night, at dinner, much to my chagrin, she praised her boyfriend, whom she'd told about the situation, for "how well" he'd handled it.</p><p>I was mortified that she'd shared my private hell with him, of all people. He himself was abusive and mocking, calling me "Blisters" in reference to my breast size. I never understood, till my husband said something, that this was child sexual abuse. I spent that summer in misery. I never went swimming despite loving Lake Michigan. I wouldn't shower and wore the ugliest clothes I could find. Nothing was ever said about it again. </p><p>I spent the rest of my life, not only feeling rotten about the assault, but ashamed of myself. I felt responsible for my mother losing her foster care and hated myself for making her mad. I've had to fight demons telling me I'd exaggerated it or brought it on myself. And worst of all, I believed that I'd imagined that my mother was upset with me about it. My mother, the voices in my head say, is a good caring Christian woman who would never blame and shame her daughter for something like this. I misunderstood or If she did, she had a good reason.</p><p>Just two days ago, however, the blinders fell off and I could finally see that yes, she was upset and no, not because of what happened to me but what it would mean for her (loss of foster care income, possible closure, censure). This was the same woman who turned a blind eye to her boyfriend's abuse. Who allowed and even encouraged him to sexually shame me. I felt dismissed because she was dismissive. I felt ashamed because she implied that I was somehow to blame. I felt humiliated because she shared my private story with my abuser and then was more concerned about bragging him up for telling off a 15-year-old than protecting her 11-year-old from experiencing it in the first place. </p><p>So the abuse shouldn't have happened. The kid shouldn't have been brought into my home. My mom should have showed compassion and love. She should have kept it private and not shared it with her live-in. All these things can't be changed. But at least now I don't have the additional burden of guilt for believing that my mom did what she did. I don't feel ashamed saying what actually happened. </p><p><br /></p>Marilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4882984260626322133.post-12373275000783651762024-02-26T11:57:00.000-08:002024-02-26T11:57:26.902-08:00How I'm fighting toxic shame and gaslighting by breaking down the wall<p>Hello my dear friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs. This month's Happy Heart February weight loss challenge is revealing to me how important healing the heart and mind is to fixing the body. If you're just tuning in, welcome but also fair warning. I've been sharing a lot of painful memories of parental gaslighting, abandonment, neglect, abuse, endangerment, exploitation, parentification and manipulation. </p><p>I'm uncovering and the roots of CPTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder), toxic shame and undeserved, chronic guilt. I'm dismantling my "stinkin thinkin" which has led to lack of self-care, self-harm and a life of misery. It's going to be a long road because I'm only just understanding now, what happened and how wrong it was. I'm now able to put these experiences in proper perspective. I'm learning to trust my narrative, not the version I was gaslit into believing. </p><p>Gaslighting, from a very young age, taught me to believe many dangerous and potentially deadly lies. It undermines everything. Self-confidence, it says, is prideful. Self-esteem is arrogant. Self-care is selfish. Not taking care of others is being a poor servant. Disagreeing is disobedience. Having an opinion is "sassing." Speaking up is talking back. </p><p>Respect is one way and is owed to anyone your parents decide to put in charge, regardless of whether they have earned it or give you respect in return. Responsibilities and rules are for you. Rights are for them. Anything they do is right even if they tell you it's wrong for others. You owe your parents everything while they owe you nothing. </p><p>These and many other lies built a wall, brick by brick, that imprisoned me in toxic shame. There was no way out. They had every exit barred and an answer for everything. I was being crushed under increasingly more expectation, excessive demands and crazier rules. </p><p>It's only been by kicking down the wall that I've been able to find some freedom and peace. I'm slowly starting to crush every brick, every wrong teaching, every shameful experience, every hurtful demand and reexamine it for what it was, and not the gaslighting lies I've been fed all these years. And it's exhausting. </p><p>If any of this resonates, please stay tuned. We'll kick down these walls together. Love, mar</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Marilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4882984260626322133.post-4558119700197999112024-02-20T17:11:00.000-08:002024-02-26T08:17:37.817-08:00How I am getting healthier by learning to mouth off to toxic blame- shame<p>Hello friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs. This month's Happy Heart February weight loss challenge has been a bit of a departure from the usual focus on how I lost 100 pounds. I'm needing to work on problems of toxic shame and chronic, undeserved guilt which have flawed my self-image, crippled self-esteem and sabotaged self-care. They stem from gaslighting, exploitation, parentification and neglect in early years. </p><p>So today, I'm sharing how I'm getting healthier by mouthing off to toxic blame-shame. According to my father, I was both "too critical" and "too sensitive" to criticism. I'm not sure just who he thought I was too critical of because I literally groveled at his feet for attention and love, which was very transactional, especially when he remarried and had a family. </p><p>It became my job in my tweens to "fix" everything and everyone. I was my dad's wingman before I knew the term. As he saw it, he messed up his first marriage and by golly he wasn't going to mess up the second, not if I could help it. So he sacrificed me, my childhood, mental health, care and love on the altar of wedded bliss. And he and his wife were still miserable. </p><p>Whenever his wife was unhappy (she didn't say she was unhappy she would just pout in a passive aggressive way) he'd say, not "what can I do to help but "maybe Mary could help?" He forgot that he was the one who married her, not me. I was never asked about any of it not even to check and see how I was feeling. But it sure was my place to make their relationship work. He'd then invite her to think up tasks to add to my already long list of responsibilities, to make her feel better. But it never did. And then that temporary "little extra helping out" just became part of my permanent to-do list. Despite doing most of the work, including sleeping with her babies, I always annoyed her. And Dad was quick to remind me how disappointed and upset she was with me. Though he never said how or what I could do better. I really worried a lot about that, pleasing people. It's a big part of my constant feeling of failure now. </p><p>Back to sleeping with the babies. It got so bad with the youngest that I was locked in his bedroom. There was a hook so I could get out but I had to tiptoe then hurry back. They could only justify locking him in if someone was in there with him. So I had to get up with him, soothe him, find his blanket, tuck him in, etc. Just as I did my own kids, later. That's part of the parentification. Neither his father nor mother ever asked how he did at night or whether he kept me up. No one cared as long as they got what they wanted. So not only was I supposed to husband Dad's wife I was supposed to mother his child. Creepy. </p><p>Interestingly, as an adult the boy still complains of how he was locked in "his room." He never mentions how I was there with him because he evidently has forgotten. I say interesting because he calls it his room, which it was. He didn't sleep with me in my room. I slept with him in his, in a tiny, uncomfortable youth bed. I had no desk, dresser or space of my own. </p><p>During this period I was in college and had a job. But I was also made to sleep with my parents' babies beginning at age 11 and up. At my mom's house, she and her boyfriend slept two floors down and I slept with 4 foster kids under 4 and all with special needs. I say their homes because I never thought of any house as my home. I'd say I "lived with my dad and his wife or mom and her husband." I was not encouraged to think of any as "my home." Being shunted back and forth between parents' homes, without a proper bedroom or space in the family, I have learned, is "hidden homelessness." And is part of my PTSD. </p><p>In college, the childcare and chores, were in lieu of rent. I don't know how they justified it to themselves when I was younger especially considering I really didn't cost them much. Beginning around 11, I was responsible for babysitting, childcare, hanging laundry on the line (even in winter snow), folding clothes, ironing, washing dishes, dusting, mopping, changing beds, making lunches, cleaning the bathroom, fixing supper and cleaning up afterwards and anything else asked. </p><p>It took me till 59 years old to ask myself, besides all that, what else was there for my dad and his wife do? Their kids never did any chores when I was around even though I was doing all this when I was younger than them. They were all boys. My boyfriend (now husband) says I "wiped everyone's asses and waited on them hand and foot." I never realized how much till just recently. </p><p>It also recently occurred to me what a good deal they got in me as live in babysitter, nanny, maid and au pair. I also went to school, had homework, student teaching and a job. Food was pretty sparse and I bought all my own clothing and essentials. So basically I cost them nothing. But what they saved in fees boggles. Rent would have cost me about $200 a month. A nanny/au pair would have cost them at least $200 a week especially with all the nightime care. And they would have been required to provide the nanny with her own room. </p><p>Another interesting thing is that there was a big room beside the garage that could have been mine. Dad said I couldn't use it because it wasn't heated. Fair enough. But when I moved out, he made into a nice (heated) apartment for the son of a friend of theirs (who was younger than me) Now I realize of course why he didn't for me: who would have slept in the baby's room? </p><p>What bothers is that I never questioned it. Of course you would exploit your own daughter while rolling out the red carpet for someone else's kid. That's gaslighting for you. I remember how they worked so hard to make that nice space for him and then bragged about what a good house guest he was. I wonder if he'd been so nice if he'd had to climb icebergs to get frozen diapers off the line or comfort a toddler every night. </p><p>As I write this, the voices of gaslighting and toxic shame are screaming loudly. They say things like don't exaggerate! You're betraying family secrets! You ought to be ashamed (I am)! You're too sensitive! You're too critical! That never happened! </p><p>These aren't imaginary voices, they're memories. If I had questioned or complained, my parents and stepparents would have come unglued. See previous blog post about dad "paddling" 13-y/o me (his word. Mine is beating) because I was ungrateful. Again his words. This was the first forced-to-sleep-with-baby time. </p><p>So I didn't question, out of fear. I believed them when they said I was ungrateful, disrespectful, , a poor family member. There's gaslighting again. I was so worried being a bad daughter that I never saw what shitty parents they were. I was expected to behave like family while being treated like the help. I was a scapegoat, servant, support system, spouse and surrogate parent. I was a "family member" when it came to responsibilities, but not the rights. </p><p>This how successful the gaslighting was. I didn't get that I deserved better. I knew others weren't treated that way. I didn't treat my kids that way. Yet it took my nearly 6 decades to understand that I deserved love and care. It will probably take me the rest of my life to FEEL that I deserve it. That you don't have to earn your home. That it is YOUR home too. That care isn't transactional. It bugs me too because I was a grown-ass adult when some of these things happened yet I was treated like a naughty child. They didn't even care enough to adapt to my being an adult. They just kept shaming and belittling. I'll blog more later on how they were caught doing this at my place of work and made to look very foolish. </p><p>So, this blog post has gotten long and there's more to come. There are so many more experiences like this and virtually no happy ones. I'm sick of the nightly nightmares and chronic PTSD induced pain. I'm going through a lot of emotional house-cleaning to myself in a better place. And one of the ways I'm doing that is to start mouthing off (something I was often accused of but do not remember once ever doing.)</p><p>I'm going to talk back to the crazy talk I had to endure and which has made me the mess I am now. I going to call this shit out for what it was instead of believing their gaslighting. I'm going to explain, in no uncertain terms, how this scapegoating, shaming, parentification, exploiting, transactional life, shutting out and abuse makes me feel. I'm going to rearrange my head until I can get some relief from constant self-hatred, from feeling always in the wrong, of feeling responsible for everyone and then ashamed when I don't get every little thing right, of feeling like a human doing instead of a human being, of feeling like a little girl alone, out on the street looking in at the family inside. </p><p>And when the voices tell me I'm wrong, that I should just keep it hidden, that no one cares or wants to know, that I'm being disrespectful or disloyal, or whatever, I'm going to shut them out. If I feel dismissed as I have so often before, I'm not going to shut up and crawl away. I'm going to keep talking, yelling if I need to. I'm going to get mad and loud. I'm the only one who knows what really happened. I'm the only one suffering. They claim it didn't happen or they don't remember. Up to now I've been too good at pretending it didn't happen and it doesn't hurt. Well, it did and I do. </p><p>Does it sound like I'm talking to someone or a group of someones? I probably do sound a little paranoid. That's another part of gaslighting, how it makes you feel stupid and untruthful and selfish, and so ashamed of yourself. And that is the work of the evil one. He wants me to think no one cares. That I'm just making a fool of myself. </p><p>But I believe, even though I don't feel it yet, some, maybe most care. That to expect ridicule, or scolding or dismissing as I've experienced is a sign that it was real and that it did happen. That I expect it to keep happening is another symptom and also another scare tactic to keep me quiet. </p><p>But I also believe that it will resonate with people who have been hurt like this. Maybe telling my story will help you sort your own. I don't want anyone to suffer like this. If you've experienced childhood abuse or trauma, neglect, abandonment, exploitation or manipulation, keep reading. I think we can find comfort together. If you haven't and you're just here to lend support, thank you!!! </p><p>Love you all</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Marilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4882984260626322133.post-69815409124852207682024-02-16T10:11:00.000-08:002024-02-16T11:27:44.182-08:00How I lost 100 pounds by recognizing gaslighting and turning off the gas<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjquM2lK0aLd6VMEb3GVkewv4gj9m6d8guTTwT6QabYuyEnfnOaeXEuyqfr8qUdI-yoi10AEYRJV_eexXMqPR-ogymSuFzTNp7bd-UMj2sIXLML0Ekw9jv-j-1t3kBoUDvPh6gMP7VNjrk-MF5BOuPerXKWY58DTRubuB-dQ_mNdJzQgKC2bg8RI_e433KT/s1280/WIN_20231220_13_37_44_Pro.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjquM2lK0aLd6VMEb3GVkewv4gj9m6d8guTTwT6QabYuyEnfnOaeXEuyqfr8qUdI-yoi10AEYRJV_eexXMqPR-ogymSuFzTNp7bd-UMj2sIXLML0Ekw9jv-j-1t3kBoUDvPh6gMP7VNjrk-MF5BOuPerXKWY58DTRubuB-dQ_mNdJzQgKC2bg8RI_e433KT/s320/WIN_20231220_13_37_44_Pro.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />Hello dear friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs. In this month's Happy Heart February weight loss challenge, I'm exploring a lot of issues that may not seem relevant to weight loss. But they are very much about mental and emotional health. Today I'll share how I lost 100 pounds by recognizing gaslighting and shutting off the gas. <p></p><p>The term gaslighting is one I've only recently become familiar with. But the experience of being gaslit as a child and teen, I know very well, as well as the toxic shame and chronic guilt it produces. However, I only just recognized that gaslighting was happening. I didn't see that the four people who were supposed to love and protect me, only had self-serving interests at heart. I thought that parentifying, exploiting, manipulating and endangering me were just what parents did. </p><p>It might seem strange to anyone who has not experienced this. Believe me, I question my own experiences all the time. That's what gaslighting teaches you to do: deny, don't think, feel or question, it's all your fault, responsibility, job or problem. You're in the wrong. You're too sensitive. You're too critical. I heard these things so often that I started saying them to myself. I struggle daily to correct wrong ideas about myself and what is and isn't my fault or responsibility. I still hear voices every day and in nightmares every night. I second and third and twenty-sixth guess every decision I make. </p><p>So what does this have to do with how I lost 100 pounds? My self-image was (is still) so damaged by C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) from gaslighting that I developed self-harming behaviors. I was underweight from lack of care and self-care. Then later, toxic shame and chronic guilt led to having two stillborn babies, depression and anxiety and then to antidepressants which caused weight gain and obesity. </p><p>Much of my toxic shame and chronic guilt stem from being gaslit about what was my responsibility to my parents. They were very transactional and love must be earned by rigid obedience to them. But the target always moved and the to-do list kept getting longer. So I always failed and required punishment which I only later understood was abuse. Consequently, I made some poor parenting decisions, like spanking my kids, because that's what was done to me. My good loving sense said it was wrong. (I'm still mad at myself for not listening to that.) But since my parents did these things and they were never wrong, I must be wrong, again, right? And it was a real mind-eff: my natural guilt faulting me for spanking while my toxic guilt shamed me for not spanking. Damned if you do and don't. </p><p>To further the hypocrisy, the one time I confronted it, they lied and said they never hit me. At another time, she accused me of abusing my children by slapping them. When she was reminded that she herself frequently slapped, it was denied. Now she was very self-righteous, the many times I was slapped that I was being sassy and brought it on myself. Though what I could have said, at age 8, when I never even talked about all the scary and dangerous things that did happen and accepted her every "do as I say, not as I do" I don't know. </p><p>But yet when it was pointed out that I spanked for the same reasons I was spanked, she lied and said she never had and that I was abusive. So I'm confused. It's justified when you did it and abuse when I do? If so, why did you lie and say you hadn't? If you realized later it was wrong, why did you still preach to me the "spare the rod" doctrine (though I was the only one of your kids you hit)? Why did you say God expected me to and then fault me when I did? Or do you just make it up as you go along? </p><p>The "Rules for thee but not for me" was another big part of the gaslighting. I'll blog more about that later. And rules for thee and rules for half-siblings. They never punished them like me. In fact, they punished me for things the others did. They always took their spouses' or kids' part. Every. Single. Time. Like when I was outed from my room and made to sleep in a tiny cupboard room with my infant half-brother, at age 14. Apparently I didn't show enough enthusiasm. I couldn't have actually questioned it because I was too afraid to. And I wouldn't have anyway and they knew it. That's how it worked. I was told to and I did. End of subject. </p><p>But my dad decided that I was somehow being disobedient. Or his conscience was saying it was a stupid move. Or he was mad at his wife for wanting her suite of a room to herself and not wanting to be bothered with their child at night. Or he was just pissed off because he always was. Regardless, yet again, he spun it that I was at fault. All of a sudden, he began beating me in front of everyone. It scared the shit out of all of us. I was so humiliated, I wet my pants. I weepingly apologized though for what I have never figured out. I, of course, slept in the room with the baby (and got up with him at night, every night). By way of acknowledging his tantrum, dad said I was too sensitive. </p><p>This just confirmed to me that I was a dangerous mess of a person who needed constant, punitive, vindictive chastisement or I'd go off the rails on a crazy train. No punishment was too harsh for me. Like kicking me out of mom's husband's house (operative words "his house" not mine. No house was ever mine that I recall since about age 3 or 4) when I was 16 and making me homeless. I deserved it and more. That's what I told my then boyfriend, now husband when I explained some of the things that were done to me. </p><p>This vicious cycle of shame, punishment and gaslighting have just about killed me several times. They have certainly pushed me to the edge and I would have gone over if not for my now family and my Higher Power whom I choose to call God. What's also helped is calling out what happened for what it is--wrong. By telling my stories regardless of who thinks I should keep them secret. By knowing that what happened, happened, even though no one mentioned them again. By trusting my version of events even though no one else has ever mentioned them again. </p><p>It's also helped to talk back to people, in my mind. I'll never be able to say to them what I need to say. I'll keep the peace and keep on pretending because confronting it only hurts me further with the continued gaslighting and lying. But now at least, I'm doing it to protect me and the people who perpetrated these sick, deviant behaviors on me. So I say in my head, all the things I should have been able to say at the time. I call them out, polite and obedient be damned. </p><p>Thank you for joining me on this very unpleasant walk down memory lane. My inclination is to apologize for upsetting you, like I did the one time I shared this with an extended family member. But I can't do that anymore. No one was or ever has been there, caring or supporting me through it. No one knew or cared to know. I faked it for everyone, to spare anyone knowing what I was dealing with. I had to manage alone and do the best I could. If I'm to fix this mess I am now, I need to be honest. </p><p>I'm sorry to my children for the wrong things I did when I thought they were right. I'm sorry for not trusting my gut. You were never the problem, I was. You were and are the solution. The sunshine in the dark. You are all that I want to be. And one thing I promise, here and now, is that no child or teen that I have any responsibility for will ever go through anything like this alone. Not while I'm there. </p><p>So this may not have a lot to do with weight loss as such. But it has everything to do with losing toxic shame and chronic guilt which have much to do with overall wellbeing. </p><p><br /></p>Marilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4882984260626322133.post-92181913931686531002024-02-14T10:07:00.000-08:002024-02-14T10:07:53.623-08:00How I lost 100 pounds with low calorie food swaps that taste just as good as regular<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlVPnT2u2E9iM_b0aRvGWPSYhVCGuonT40dZuNMmI43n9FQPYWGK0xRjM7fmZlP-1LQ0T4Vh3lWsX66mi17-dt2Pe4g3XQ1dk8-t7x8jGTkDtLoDa7lGZ1PZ3nGjGiTwudS5V-mThsRlZkSd7YadLC4JuE-uRXsaqIg5DnKVXidaUxiBrRG4iyaj_3uCjF/s3264/IMG_20231017_175144263.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3264" data-original-width="2448" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlVPnT2u2E9iM_b0aRvGWPSYhVCGuonT40dZuNMmI43n9FQPYWGK0xRjM7fmZlP-1LQ0T4Vh3lWsX66mi17-dt2Pe4g3XQ1dk8-t7x8jGTkDtLoDa7lGZ1PZ3nGjGiTwudS5V-mThsRlZkSd7YadLC4JuE-uRXsaqIg5DnKVXidaUxiBrRG4iyaj_3uCjF/s320/IMG_20231017_175144263.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />Hello pals of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs! Happy Valentine's Day! Today as part of my Happy Heart February weight loss challenge, I'll share how I lost 100 pounds with low calorie food swaps that taste just as good as regular. <p></p><p>Low calorie butter with olive oil. I get the light butter spread version like Land o Lakes and I don't taste any difference. I'll blend regular butter with olive oil, coconut oil or avocado to make spread butter with about half the calories. </p><p>Low calorie light bread food swap. Keto bread is half the calories of regular bread with twice the protein. It's expensive but very filling so one slice is plenty. I also use 35-calorie per slice bread with oat grain. </p><p>Blue agave syrup for sugar food swap. This isn't necessarily lower in calories but the sugars are low glycemic and you don't need much to hit the sweet spot. Part of how I lost 100 pounds was to eat foods I craved but control portions. </p><p>Cauliflower for white foods. Cauliflower is virtually zero calorie especially when you consider it's calorie forward (consumption burns more than consumed). Cauliflower versions of white foods (rice, pasta, bread and potatoes) make super 1200 calorie diet food swaps. </p><p>Salads for sandwiches. I'll make high protein salads (with nuts, seeds, meat toppings, eggs, cheese) as food swap for sandwiches. I'll wrap sandwich fillings in lettuce leaves. Filling up on vegetables and salads is crucial to weight loss on the 1200 calorie diet. </p><p>Bragg's Liquid Amino for salt and soy sauce. Cutting sodium in essential to weight loss on any diet. Low sodium foods reduce inflammation and hypertension and improve metabolism. </p><p>Stay tuned for more on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass surgery or weight loss drugs. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Marilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4882984260626322133.post-33958148283262981812024-02-07T10:21:00.000-08:002024-02-07T10:21:53.502-08:00How I lost 100 pounds by going toe to toe with toxic shame <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK2Y3p5B72hDUwW6F_PahonrJKjbLERZrF58qwjeak6Apixn2qRrIpxX4ac-JE5k-iDc_fw32SjlwKxNAzeN7Rrum3UOJW9FffFgiK9uMiV0GhfVEs47d-z7O2373_nBro9ONbdSjIk2IKf5HGuN8as4L6pNY3Z3jWBtThk2psu-sJh1nPSWNpdFrxxRC0/s2560/20200125_191658.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1920" data-original-width="2560" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK2Y3p5B72hDUwW6F_PahonrJKjbLERZrF58qwjeak6Apixn2qRrIpxX4ac-JE5k-iDc_fw32SjlwKxNAzeN7Rrum3UOJW9FffFgiK9uMiV0GhfVEs47d-z7O2373_nBro9ONbdSjIk2IKf5HGuN8as4L6pNY3Z3jWBtThk2psu-sJh1nPSWNpdFrxxRC0/s320/20200125_191658.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />Hello friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs. In keeping with my Happy Heart February weight loss challenge, I've been unpacking a lot of emotional health issues related to weight gain. <p></p><p>Toxic shame and chronic guilt have been in my life for as long as I can remember. Starting in childhood and continuing in adulthood and marriage, I've taken too much on myself and not made others responsible for their part. I've felt guilty for things I had no part in. I've been ashamed of others' behavior as if it were my own. It's so out of control that I'm haunted by dreams of having done terrible things I haven't done. This constant oppression exhausts my resources and I have behaved in ways I shouldn't. But, while being able to forgive others readily, without being asked, I cannot forgive myself. And it just keeps spiraling down. </p><p>Just recently, I began to really look toxic shame in the face. I recently posted about how I'm listening to the voices in my head and it's helping me understand how false and deceitful they are. I always thought that my dreams were from God, trying to get me to see some error of my ways. God, for me, has always been very punitive. Our priest suggested that these dreams may not be from God but from the devil, trying to turn me on myself. This makes sense as I've always struggled with that toxic shame, self-hatred and even self-harm. And the devil is the father of lies. </p><p>In going toe to toe with the toxic shame and voices in my head, I'm seeing how they've been gaslighting me into a very distorted self-image. That I'm responsible for others' problems, that it's my job to fix everyone, that I'll always fail and must be shamed and beaten into submission to avoid harming anyone. </p><p>So I've been creating safe spaces (more on that later) to meditate on what these voices in my head are really saying. I cover it in prayer so that the devil, who is very convincing, can't pull me back in. I've been considering where all this toxic shame and chronic guilt stems. I realize that, beginning very young, a fragile house of cards was constructed in my mind, built on lies, exploitation, manipulation, abuse, neglect, cover-ups and gaslighting. </p><p>These have caused a false reality in which to be burdened with inappropriate expectations and responsibilities was normal, healthy and God's will. Where bizarre situations and behaviors of adults were normal and I was the abnormal one if I questioned. As a child, I couldn't do much about it. And as it was done by adults who were supposed to love me, I didn't question. </p><p>Now, with the eyes of an adult (and a parent myself) I have been examining these beliefs and practices. I ask myself, would I consider these things safe and healthy? Would I do or allow these to be done, to a child? Would I expect this of a child? And the answer is almost always, NO! It is not right for them and it wasn't right for me. </p><p>By shining the light of reality on this illusory house of cards I was forced to live in, it topples. Truth shows up my experiences for the dangerous, terrifying, deceitful, unhealthy, unsafe, abnormal, immoral and unnatural things they were. It exposes them as not appropriate or what God wanted for me, but manipulation, self-serving lies, exploitation, neglect and abuse. </p><p>Even as I write this, the voices in my head are screaming. They're telling me I'm lying and exaggerating. That by breaking silence, I'm being disloyal and wicked. I fear that by not kowtowing to the shame and guilt. By saying that I don't always fail and sometimes do good, I'm being prideful. </p><p>But the peace of God, that passes all understanding, is there too. For the first time in 59 years, I'm beginning to accept that what happened was not God's will. I'm learning that secrets that hurt should not be kept. It feels really strange. But I'm going to keep on keeping on, as Alanon says and that with practice, I'll come to a healthier understanding of what's mine and what isn't my responsibility. </p>Marilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4882984260626322133.post-70791490975230787312024-02-05T13:55:00.000-08:002024-02-07T09:28:26.376-08:00How I'm dealing with shaming behaviors by trying something new<p> Hello my friends. This blog is primarily about how I lost 100 pounds but it covers a lot of emotional and mental health territory that may not seem related to weight loss. That's because a large part of how I lost 100 pounds (without gastric bypass) had to do with losing chronic guilt and toxic shame. Earlier today I posted about some really painful memories of toxic shame and chronic guilt and how I am healing those. And just recently, I had an opportunity to put these into practice. </p><p>My husband is a wonderful guy with some really annoying habits. One of which is to backpedal and "bait and switch" in conversations. I am a very compassionate person. An empath. When someone shares something with me that is upsetting to them, I dive in with my whole heart, to listen, comfort and help. </p><p>His annoying habit, and it seems that he is playing on my empath nature when he does it, is to start a conversation, actually kind of a rant, about something at work, for example. I show care, by responding lovingly with affirmation of feeling, echoing and supporting his frustration, reflecting back what was said so he knows I'm hearing and empathizing. I do not do this in any kind of patronizing way. I know to avoid that because I'm an empathetic to how it feels when someone does it to me. </p><p>But then, when I have responded, he will often backpedal and defend the person. Or he will say he doesn't get what I'm talking about when I affirm his frustration over an issue he has just been complaining about. I do this by rephrasing the problem, to show I understand his angst. Or I will wonder aloud why someone would act this way. Then he will, I feel purposely misunderstand me or play devil's advocate. Over something HE initiated a conversation (sic rant) over. </p><p>He baits and switches by engaging my sympathies and then turning on me. This takes me back because I'm so wrapped up in feeling with him and for him. It thought we were on the same page. I was on the same page. It comes out of nowhere and feels a like a stab in the back. I'm confused and to find myself suddenly on the defensive. I didn't come prepared and am not wearing appropriate defensive armor for battle. </p><p>Worst of all, he does it in an annoyed way, as I'm annoying him by being responsive! It's so gaslighting. Being an empath plus having low self-esteem, I take it personally. I second guess myself, feel foolish, wondering what I'm misunderstanding or missing. I comb through everything I said, mentally, trying to find what I said to merit such a response. I'm vulnerable, being suddenly placed on the defensive with no explanation of why. </p><p>In my anxiousness, I sometimes retort. Then he, being already irritable, snaps back at me. When I explain what I feel he says he did nothing wrong and can't understand why he's upset. He then, in an annoyed, patronizing way, apologizes for "upsetting me." But he's clearly angry and now, not just with the situation but with me. This "you statement" puts me even more on the defensive. I am not upset. I'm confused and frustrated. He's upsetting things by 1) starting a conversation while irritable 2) disrespecting me by not requesting, just expecting, me to listen 3) ranting in the first place 4) backpedaling 5) devaluing my help and compassion 6) directing his anger with other situations, at me 6) being dismissive of my feelings 7) getting angry with me for being upset by his upsetting behavior and 8) making a passive-aggressive, shaming apology when he clearly feels I'm somehow in the wrong.</p><p>So today, when it happened again, I did make the mistake of showing my frustration. But then I added "don't talk to me about work anymore." I'm following it up by doing the hardest part of all, following through. When he sent me a pat on the head "sorry" text, I just said "okay" where normally I'd have swept it under the rug and accepted it as a real apology that it wasn't. </p><p>When talk of frustrating situations comes up, I'm going to try staying cool and not getting involved. Hopefully this boundary will show that if he can't respect me for the good I give, I can respect myself. </p>Marilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4882984260626322133.post-45672313675684219942024-02-05T10:00:00.000-08:002024-02-05T10:04:02.884-08:00How I lost 100 pounds and guilt and shame by listening to the voices in my head<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFu7A_q3HnxTayqGdt3wy9XJrexsE3sgFE9wlwbf681ZDs6Gt9wfx2bwj9IPAusqWloIbMBxtPliuECD1HefbXX6DnwuR7mUGYEQuVj0EHEiq8VzP3C2FNFMp0dlRJnzqLQOmRNOYFsJr-6QyeQ5wGiB2r1fFjKuZn0NGxKYTfKjMq94Dc9uR_2CtFkuZW/s1280/WIN_20240124_14_50_36_Pro.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFu7A_q3HnxTayqGdt3wy9XJrexsE3sgFE9wlwbf681ZDs6Gt9wfx2bwj9IPAusqWloIbMBxtPliuECD1HefbXX6DnwuR7mUGYEQuVj0EHEiq8VzP3C2FNFMp0dlRJnzqLQOmRNOYFsJr-6QyeQ5wGiB2r1fFjKuZn0NGxKYTfKjMq94Dc9uR_2CtFkuZW/s320/WIN_20240124_14_50_36_Pro.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />Hello friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs. This month's Happy Heart February weight loss challenge, we're exploring ways to not only lose weight but also chronic guilt and toxic shame from childhood. Today, I'm losing chronic guilt and toxic shame by listening to the voices in my head. Really. <p></p><p>When I talk about the voices in my head, I mean the negative, shaming messages that were said and implied, when I was younger. They autoplay continually. In sleep, they cause horrible dreams and when I'm awake, they drive my chronic guilt and toxic shame. They cause me to second-guess myself, they undermine my good works, distort my sense of self and sabotage my self-esteem and peace of mind. </p><p>I'm so used to hearing these subconscious messages that I expect them. I try to ignore, but I can't because they are so pervasive and insidious. They disturb and unsettle me. They haunt me and cause me to be constantly looking over my shoulder in fear. It feels like being pursued by invisible enemies that is trying to destroy me. As others can't see them, it probably looks to the outside, that I'm making it up or faking. Or just acting really weird.</p><p>I found myself doing this just this morning, which prompted this blog post. But for once instead of ignoring or trying to, I listened to those voices in my head. I had opted not to go into work earlier and instead work later and I'd also missed several calls. The voices were accusing me of laziness, of making the wrong choices, of letting people down, of failing, of not doing my part. </p><p>All were greatly exaggerated, not remotely true and not even applicable the situation. I realized that these voices question every single decision I make and the verdict is I'm always wrong. I'm damned if I do or don't. The voices tell me that they have to micromanage everything I do because I can't be trusted. I don't just fail I AM failure. </p><p>And I realized that these aren't just imaginary voices but memories. I was expected, as a child, to do the parents' work. I was expected to think and act like an adult while the adults immature, spoiled and selfish. I was expected to do others' work, to raise siblings and to fix whatever was wrong with everyone. I was given no guidance or good example. Nothing I did was good enough. I was accused of selfish and ulterior motives. The worst was always expected of me, blame assigned and if there was an issue between me and a family member no one ever took my side. </p><p>So this sounds, to myself and I fear to you, exaggerated and lying. That I'm making it up or "showing off" (something I heard a LOT). I see now that this is part of how people were able to gaslight and manipulate me. They had an answer for everything and it was always me in the wrong. I could never get ahead. I just had to knuckle under and keep trying. Ironically, the harder I tried the worse I was told that I failed. I was shunted from place to place and at age 16 I was evicted from my parents' home. My crime was to come home an hour late. </p><p>Notice I said parents home. Because that's how it was presented to me. I did not have a home. I was allowed, very transactionally, to live with them. But I had to earn my place and what I had to do, to do that kept changing and getting more difficult. Rules were arbitrary and applied only to me. </p><p>I apologize, but I'm going to end this blog post here because I am just emotionally exhausted with the memories. I'll write more about what I'm learning from all this, later. I love you all dearly, and ask that if any of this resonates with you, PLEASE, don't wait as long as I have to get help. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Marilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4882984260626322133.post-17409543063233416142024-02-02T10:13:00.000-08:002024-02-02T10:26:26.732-08:00Best Valentine's Day gifts for people on a diet: How I lost 100 pounds by redefining treats<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwWIiGEwq_EVGCqWRrga4V6K-0Huj1crYqEJ0IBedsjJxXZoXjaP8ARFrgbr5IDbu8TYS6pIxb6iUVmr_ifG8Bqv2S0BaqILYSFNB4z_LGIdrtZKrQFn786jkBa2I2__FD6bOAjAQ-xyXxTz0A38CzYb6mpWvIoy_yqQh_EleKqBCvnF22HJRLvwEX0rSq/s4160/IMG_20210818_153317.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4160" data-original-width="3120" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwWIiGEwq_EVGCqWRrga4V6K-0Huj1crYqEJ0IBedsjJxXZoXjaP8ARFrgbr5IDbu8TYS6pIxb6iUVmr_ifG8Bqv2S0BaqILYSFNB4z_LGIdrtZKrQFn786jkBa2I2__FD6bOAjAQ-xyXxTz0A38CzYb6mpWvIoy_yqQh_EleKqBCvnF22HJRLvwEX0rSq/s320/IMG_20210818_153317.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />Hello friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs. As part of my Happy Heart February weight loss challenge I'm looking at non-food Valentine's gifts. Because part of how I lost 100 pounds was by redefining treats. And I realize that the best Valentine's Day gifts are not food but self-care. Here are 6 Valentine's Day gifts in all price ranges for people on a diet.<p></p><p>Bath set: Some of my most peaceful, relaxed moments are spent in the bathtub. So give your loved one goodies to pamper themselves, for Valentine's Day. Fill a basket with scented body wash, body oil, bath brush, exfoliating treatments, back pillow and even a tray for book and teacup. </p><p>Personal care items: Guys, if you're like mine, you buy the cheapest of cheap in personal care. I mean, God love you for frugality, but you deserve better. I'm loving the increasing range of options for men, in personal care. Beard oil, body spray, moisturizers, fancy shave lotions, aftershave, nice quality razors. Trust me, once you go from two-blade to 3, 4 or 5, you'll never go back. And your skin will thank you. For Valentines' Day gifts for men, get him 4-blade razors, moisturizing body wash and shaving products like Cremo (it smells soooo sexy, too!) </p><p>Books: explore books on your loved one's interest list. Check out Thriftbooks for secondhand. I've found many of my husband's beloved children's books there. And for ebooks and audio recordings, Hoopla is free to download on your phone. </p><p>Pets: Adopt a new pet for your Valentine. I adopted these two kitty boys shown in the picture, for my husband's birthday. His mother and our cat Scooter had both passed away on previous birthdays and so this was a difficult time for him. Moishe and Mordecai have made what was a sad time, happy! (and very silly!)</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/OyhPZEd40cg" width="320" youtube-src-id="OyhPZEd40cg"></iframe></div><br /><p></p><p>Games: When we were dating, in the early 80s, my now-husband and I didn't have much money for dates. So we played games, favorites being Chinese Checkers, Uno and Scattergories. We've amassed a huge collection of board games and have even been able to find games from childhood, like King Oil, Dealer's Choice, old Clue, Careers, Forest Friends and Waterworks on eBay. </p><p>Love coupons: I made these with the kids years ago and they never fail to please. Make coupons redeemable for one morning to sleep in, a free car wash or a night off doing the dishes. </p><p>If you follow this blog, you know that I often reference the gastric bypass reality show "My 600-lb Life." One problem that comes up with every patient on "My 600-lb Life" is that treats must be junk food and comfort only comes from eating. Rethinking what is actually a treat, was a major part of how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs. </p><p><br /></p>Marilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4882984260626322133.post-45097565225003381502024-02-02T09:40:00.000-08:002024-02-02T09:40:04.855-08:00How I lost 100 pounds by pulling my head out of the sand: Happy Heart February weight loss challenge<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8jGKN8zH0mnSdhzyMwGUwGEcV6VR0h4L-Yy4Ql8VLrHEigW-vCdZufBPYuidYZ8S1U5JLTTttd2F6fGoIVliRAulL0TAsZqohouKVhU5CajGHXJNuAXWHylmGg5zGfk1bFqJsYg6tYaHjqrwrzl-8xckFGTO-wAxZQ8qGYDgzR0rzET38AmSV04sf_wfR/s3264/IMG_20230916_161310573.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2448" data-original-width="3264" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8jGKN8zH0mnSdhzyMwGUwGEcV6VR0h4L-Yy4Ql8VLrHEigW-vCdZufBPYuidYZ8S1U5JLTTttd2F6fGoIVliRAulL0TAsZqohouKVhU5CajGHXJNuAXWHylmGg5zGfk1bFqJsYg6tYaHjqrwrzl-8xckFGTO-wAxZQ8qGYDgzR0rzET38AmSV04sf_wfR/s320/IMG_20230916_161310573.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Hello my very dear friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs. Today, Groundhog Day I realized that part of how I lost 100 pounds was by pulling my head out of the ground. It fits right in with my Happy Heart February weight loss challenge, to lose weight but also toxic shame and chronic guilt. <p></p><p>In past posts, I've shared about the toxicity I grew up with. And yes, it feels disloyal and wrong to admit that or talk about it. But I'm learning that the people who might say it's disloyal are the same ones perpetrating my toxic shame and guilt. To heal this broken heart of mine, I need to start being loyal to it first. If that means telling secrets, so be it. I need to share it. And to do that, I had to pull my head out of the sand of denial and accept that it had happened, that I wasn't imagining it. </p><p>I mentioned loyalty. Abuse, neglect, exploitation, manipulation and parentification exist because of a misplaced loyalty to keep quiet what's happening. And that was taught by either not acknowledging that it was wrong or gaslighting me into thinking it was right and I was wrong. This cycle of silent abuse shanghaied my common sense and made me distrust myself. </p><p>The first step to getting out of the quicksand is to admit you're stuck. Next is to get help. When I first began to pull my head out and open my eyes to what was actually going on (instead of the version I'd been given), my first response was disbelief. I'm so programmed to self-doubt that I don't dare trust even the evidence of my own senses. Or even of others. When I tell my story, there is shock, disgust and even some horror, but no disbelief. People take me at my word and that helps me to start trusting myself. </p><p>So what does this have to do with how I lost 100 pounds? If I can lose toxic shame and guilt, fear and self-doubt, dropping a few pounds is a cinch! Keeping toxic secrets weighs me down. Sharing, asking for help and trusting the right things, frees me. Confidence, self-respect, self-care are magic mojo pills. With them and the help of my Higher Power, I can do anything. </p><p>Join me for more heart smart tips in this Happy Heart February! <br /></p><p><br /></p>Marilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4882984260626322133.post-33741946501980948172024-02-01T10:43:00.000-08:002024-02-02T08:44:40.047-08:00How I lost 100 pounds by talking back: Happy Heart February tips for weight loss and joy! <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFN5rMtup0t-etfUrVQrRq5t7mUbje3JCBidJmngb0pXvGXH9-DbaZIJK8DSwthx-fTGC8p-idrQ2__Rp2Vksz3VsuaXPjwUxGlDbGg3dyDWEiGqVEqbyXgoEvtALVpEZhQ8ssgTaNI7XxulmfzHAtywN1lC8I8KERq_4UqIE6Q2ZmjoMaPXz7HbVPtQfT/s1280/WIN_20210914_17_07_07_Pro.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFN5rMtup0t-etfUrVQrRq5t7mUbje3JCBidJmngb0pXvGXH9-DbaZIJK8DSwthx-fTGC8p-idrQ2__Rp2Vksz3VsuaXPjwUxGlDbGg3dyDWEiGqVEqbyXgoEvtALVpEZhQ8ssgTaNI7XxulmfzHAtywN1lC8I8KERq_4UqIE6Q2ZmjoMaPXz7HbVPtQfT/s320/WIN_20210914_17_07_07_Pro.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />Hello friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs. This month, I'm sharing a Happy Heart February weight loss challenge. It's not so much about diet as healing heart hurts. If you've struggled with self-care or toxic shame and guilt, here are ways to heal that broken heart and create a happy one. <p></p><p>We talked in the last post about how too much caring for others and not enough self-care destroys us. Recovery means growing skin to protect us from toxic shame, guilt, manipulation and exploitation. The first step is recognize how shame and guilt have broken down my ability to care for myself. Journaling and talking to a trusted friend or counselor helps. Verbalizing what happened and how it felt, helps lance the toxin stored in my wounded heart. </p><p>I was raised to think it was a mortal sin to question the authority of the adults in my life. That talking back, "sassing", arguing and thinking for myself was wrong. The Bible was beaten to tell me that God expected me to obey them. And He does but not when they contradict Him. Not when they hurt, exploit or manipulate me. Not when they make me do things they won't do themselves. Not when I have to do as they say but not as they do. Those actions confuse, break and destroy. They are not of God. </p><p>To heal, I NEED to argue with wrong messages, to talk back to the voices guilting and shaming me. To contradict the notion that God expects me to take care of others but not me. I need to question hypocrisy, deceit and self-serving manipulation and exploitation. I need to let God define for he expects of me and not let others' paraphrase for their own ends. </p><p>If you have struggled with anything like this, you'll know what I mean when I say that if feels strange and wrong to do these things. Years of conditioning have trained me to knee-jerk self-doubt. But if I listen to God, I find reassurance that the old ways are not the right ones. And each time, it gets easier. </p><p>You might wonder, as I do, how to separate wrong learning from right. Should I discard everything I was taught? How do I hold on to what's good while detaching from what's toxic? All good questions that we'll look at in the next post. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Marilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4882984260626322133.post-38958834184418391772024-02-01T09:48:00.000-08:002024-02-01T09:48:00.889-08:00How I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass: Happy Heart February Weight Loss Challenge<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGjiRKE_bb3lfqZLhPxqa0gnzZ5Ix_NidhJ-2R2xTIFz34aSatYg4ev54p04N1HKQqGyjiqUrFqNQRofpO4kJUk2Wp1PVI-YhIsEP6cTI5QylnB6pRiSyQzG5YNZlu4N-zurB_8R4k3eODreCPbN_bGFCKah6h4mmKzg_fYdq5aXQGbJayqHgy1DT5xpTc/s3264/IMG_20231017_175550661_HDR.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3264" data-original-width="2448" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGjiRKE_bb3lfqZLhPxqa0gnzZ5Ix_NidhJ-2R2xTIFz34aSatYg4ev54p04N1HKQqGyjiqUrFqNQRofpO4kJUk2Wp1PVI-YhIsEP6cTI5QylnB6pRiSyQzG5YNZlu4N-zurB_8R4k3eODreCPbN_bGFCKah6h4mmKzg_fYdq5aXQGbJayqHgy1DT5xpTc/s320/IMG_20231017_175550661_HDR.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br /> Hello friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs. Each month I issue a new weight loss challenge to help us all lose weight, maintain weight loss and just be healthier overall. This month is Happy Heart February weight loss challenge. <p></p><p>I call this a "weight loss" challenge because many people come here to learn how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass and what they can do to lose weight. But I'm writing for anyone who wants to be healthier, regardless of weight. The things I share aren't just for people who are overweight. They can even help someone who wants to gain weight because a lot of what I focus on is mental health. </p><p>In Happy Heart February we're going to explore how emotional health drives physical issues. I rounded out January with posts on self-care, or lack thereof, and its impact on obesity, weight loss, body image, self-image and much more. This month I'm looking at ways to care for our hearts, the inside feels ones as much as the pump ones. To do this I need to tell a two-part story. </p><p>Part one:</p><p>I grew up neglected, exploited and manipulated by adults charged with protecting me. I didn't learn how to care for myself or even that I should. I have empath tendencies and that was capitalized on. I cared too much, too hard and too long for too many people and not enough for myself. I was worked like an adult and parent. I now know this parentification is dangerous and inappropriate. Then, it was just doing my job. Obeying everyone was being the "good girl" God expected me to be. </p><p>These and other guilt and shame tactics destroyed any ability I had to protect myself. I lived in constant remorse, anxiety, shame and fear of failure. God was not loving but draconian taskmaster who expected little girls take everyone's crap. I was only worth what I could provide. That I had to earn basic necessities including love. Which, no matter how hard I tried I never achieved. </p><p>Whether I was an empath or just a very easily guilted child, I don't know. But the result was the same. I've heard empaths described as having no skin. We lack a protective layer that separates us from the feelings, wants, needs and issues of others. We don't know where others stop and we begin. We absorb others' toxicity into our cells, because we don't know that we shouldn't. And, in my case, were actually told that we should. We exist only to serve. </p><p>We learn to ignore cues and warning messages from our mind, heart, body and soul, which God (the real one, not the fake one I knew) provides to keep us safe. We end up with "emotional leprosy" as our confused, damaged nerves no longer protect us from pain and injury. Our conflicted mind-heart sabotages our health, peace, security and comfort. We die internally. </p><p>So that's the heart-breaking first part. If any of this resonates, I'm so sorry. But the good news is that it doesn't end there. In part two, we explore ways to mend our broken hearts. To literally grow some skin to save us from the "slings and arrows" that are killing us. We'll consider ways to turn a wounded heart into a happy one. </p><p>Stay tuned for more on how I lost 100 pounds and am finding peace of mind and joy of heart. </p>Marilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4882984260626322133.post-73169640155842698742024-01-31T10:45:00.000-08:002024-02-01T08:24:22.883-08:00How I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass with Mrs. Meyers<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKtnRhtj0hBchaOhichcrauqf25CQC60vGdTyjEJjG_Px7RdjB12dwtV1Nwqu9tv3l7Z7lnWVFqSUL5CXwIBRsQwduVEAfS_9V7hyphenhyphenB4-OJ3z45fEIkR13S8Q61MRpQus7ol2U3B2WGXKfsdZFL94ilbl9hknKUdGbI0tzP9_89gmzM3REFvMi32Q-2pW2f/s1280/picture322.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKtnRhtj0hBchaOhichcrauqf25CQC60vGdTyjEJjG_Px7RdjB12dwtV1Nwqu9tv3l7Z7lnWVFqSUL5CXwIBRsQwduVEAfS_9V7hyphenhyphenB4-OJ3z45fEIkR13S8Q61MRpQus7ol2U3B2WGXKfsdZFL94ilbl9hknKUdGbI0tzP9_89gmzM3REFvMi32Q-2pW2f/s320/picture322.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />Hello friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs. I recently wrote about how a sleeping bag helped me lose weight and as you know, I love to write posts the intrigue. So today we're looking at how I lost 100 pounds with Mrs. Meyers (yep, the cleaning products lady). <p></p><p>In the last post, I shared how I learned as a kid to take care of everyone at the expense of myself. Since there wasn't enough of me to care for others (parents, step-parents, foster care kids, half-siblings) and me, me did without. When a nightly caregiver was needed for four foster children under age four, it was 11-year old me. Many other situations like this left me with a warped understanding of self-care. </p><p>Piggy-backing on the last post about how I lost 100 pounds by learning THAT I need to care for myself, I'm thinking about how WHAT self-care means. I've always learned to make do, manage without or do for myself. I put myself through junior and senior year of college by working all summer and living off $900. That meant a lot of frugality. When I didn't have money to buy enough food, I didn't and got down to about 100 pounds. I didn't buy many things or bought the cheapest I could. </p><p>Cut to 2011, two stillborn babies, taking the antidepressant Paxil and I'm way overweight, still, ironically from not eating right. Paxil took away any limit switches. I overate because I didn't know when to stop. This wasn't all bad as my limit switches were set too low and my pain tolerance, too high. More on that. However, I still didn't know how to say no or see to it I had what I needed. I didn't even know what I wanted. I just made do. </p><p>But I had no problem knowing what others wanted and needed. My parents and siblings were very clear on what they wanted and expected. I knew what my husband and children wanted and needed and I love providing for them. What I struggled with is indulging myself. This is partly because, as I started this post, I gave so much that there wasn't enough leftover. </p><p>But on a deeper level, I learned that I didn't deserve the best or even good or basic necessities. I don't know how exactly I got that message. My parents never SAID I didn't deserve them. They just didn't provide them. For me. They made sure they had what they needed and wanted. There was a lot of talk of "pitching in" but not much of anyone besides me doing it. So I guess I just figured, I got what was good enough for who it was for. And so now it feels really wrong to indulge a preference or buy what I want. </p><p>So, what has this to do with Mrs. Meyers. I've been a Shipt shopper for 6 years and many people order this product. It never occurred to me to buy it because it was more expensive, a "luxury brand" I thought. Not for the likes of me who only gets the cheapest of the cheap. But then I tried some, realized it smelled nice and was easier on my hands. I admitted to my husband that I like it. And he said, "so get some?" So, I charted some really foreign territory and (gasp) bought some. Now I subscribe to a quart a month 😆 And I started buying expensive hand lotion, too! </p><p>So what does that have to do with how I lost 100 pounds? When I was trapped in this self-made prison of austerity, I felt helpless and hopeless. Cutting myself too short made me sick and tired. But giving myself permission to express opinions and indulge some preferences helped boost confidence. I learned that spending an extra dollar on myself didn't deprive anyone. That my opinions should be as important to me as others' (more maybe). That I deserved some nice things too. </p><p>If you're nodding vigorously at this, you're a stranger to self-care, too. So lesson number one, stop letting others dictate everything. Start expressing preferences and opinions of your own. If you can't do something nice for yourself without feeling guilty, it probably means someone in your life told you it was wrong to. They were wrong and had an ulterior motive. Lack of self-care is never in your best interest but is often in someone else's. More on that later. </p><p><br /></p>Marilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4882984260626322133.post-69737291937123923042024-01-31T09:37:00.000-08:002024-01-31T09:43:38.711-08:00How I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass with the sleeping bag principle<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGbMdJpcU1NAQod7Jracr2phLzH1sGPvwdkAYEC0d6LJNoKSy26msMwx_e0h5GTm1jnU9eX-bytjus4XAq152YCZemzWeRV28Z5_jWp24Ta3SMZlUX-_RG1TfB74j3xlrtlkeoJCszCMqYX4DNA-CYBxl1vQMYistJUHwJHodpMS5o-E7IRGXopUE3JZ08/s448/315970_203977483005994_902571673_n.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="328" data-original-width="448" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGbMdJpcU1NAQod7Jracr2phLzH1sGPvwdkAYEC0d6LJNoKSy26msMwx_e0h5GTm1jnU9eX-bytjus4XAq152YCZemzWeRV28Z5_jWp24Ta3SMZlUX-_RG1TfB74j3xlrtlkeoJCszCMqYX4DNA-CYBxl1vQMYistJUHwJHodpMS5o-E7IRGXopUE3JZ08/s320/315970_203977483005994_902571673_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />Hello friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs! Oh how I love to write titles that intrigue! You may be ( I hope you are!) wondering how I lost 100 pounds with the sleeping bag principle. Explaining is going to require sharing some painful past experiences but I hope it will help you. And talking about it, I've learned, helps me. <p></p><p>I grew up learning that I was responsible for everyone else and to take care of others at the expense of taking care of myself. I didn't know that I wasn't supposed to feel constant pain, guilt and shame and self-hatred. I didn't know that I was supposed to take care of myself and so didn't have the slightest idea of how or what I even needed. </p><p>Well you may ask what the heck this has to do with weight loss or gain, obesity or how I lost 100 pounds. And that's a good question. Actually, caring for others to the harm of myself meant I didn't get needs met. I didn't eat enough and in college, dropped down to around 100 pounds. I cut myself short at every turn. I was so used to going without (a bed, warmth, enough food, adequate health care, even a home) that I thought this was how it was supposed to be. </p><p>So going without got me too thin, but it also got me overweight too. After losing two stillborn babies, I was depressed and miserable. I asked a doctor for help and he asked me what antidepressant I wanted (?!?). So I said Paxil which turned out to be the wrong prescription. But not knowing how to care for myself, I didn't wonder at a doctor asking me to prescribe my own antidepressant. </p><p>Paxil didn't just impede healing, it slammed the door on it. I got more and more overweight, felt more and more apathy and got more and more depressed. Fast forward to 2011 and I'm in morbid obesity. I overate and over-drank because Paxil took out my limit switches. I was confused, exhausted and in agony, mentally, emotionally and physically. And clueless where to turn. </p><p>Then one evening, I had a flash of insight. I saw my obesity for what it was. And I realized that I could do something about it. But first, I had to reprogram those feelings of worthlessness. I had to redefine, or define, what I really needed. </p><p>And I did that by looking at how I was able to take care of others. I knew what they needed: love, affirmation, safety, warmth, a home, a sense of self, security, nutritious food, health care when they were ill. I had to come to understand that I needed those same things. </p><p>So about the sleeping bag. When I was 17, I went camping with friends. Everyone had sleeping bags, tents, overnight bags with suits, towels, sunscreen, you know, all the stuff you need. I didn't bring anything, not only because I didn't have most of them, it didn't even occur to me that I would need them. I had always been left to manage for myself, pretty much. A youth leader took pity on me and gave me an army blanket but I still froze at night and got a rash because turns out, I'm allergic to wool. </p><p>I remembered this experience a few years ago and realized that it was by no means an isolated instance. As a kid and teen, I often lack basic necessities. And what wasn't provided, I learned to live without. But, oddly or not, I knew that other people needed these things. I never questioned why other family members had bikes, beds, pillows, toys, desks, proper clothing and shoes while I had to buy my own, use cast offs or manage without. I understood that others needed a their own bedroom but that I had to sleep in the baby's room. That I had to do all the chores so others could relax. </p><p>So while I didn't get the message that I required care as a kid, I knew, as a parent, my kids did. Looking at how I provided for them (not perfectly, of course, but doing the best I could), that I should give myself the same things. And I'm setting about now to get my head around how to do that. This is a huge part of how I weaned off Paxil, found more effective ways to manage depression and lost 100 pounds. </p><p>Stay tuned for more on self-care. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Marilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4882984260626322133.post-29764654153508894602024-01-29T08:00:00.000-08:002024-01-29T08:02:52.587-08:00New Year, Old You weight loss challenge and the emotional health component<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCqS0LWA7CGDMgXOwd3nxgY8ZTolNj7ER03LqYnOBwkHjMUKtR9bGEtJvFc8hw_BeXClsL-ELeLf0JSkTjGBUaz73IB6SJIKjmDthZWuNiV6iEGIR0XtFsbhBqTOSdvoPGwrq_cy06OkoB4zp0kewXC2FUSBONPwyrjStGIZ_zJ5_rzAKCnVfqZQ9vFJZu/s554/27459563_10215354625279707_4728125536614313656_n.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="554" data-original-width="422" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCqS0LWA7CGDMgXOwd3nxgY8ZTolNj7ER03LqYnOBwkHjMUKtR9bGEtJvFc8hw_BeXClsL-ELeLf0JSkTjGBUaz73IB6SJIKjmDthZWuNiV6iEGIR0XtFsbhBqTOSdvoPGwrq_cy06OkoB4zp0kewXC2FUSBONPwyrjStGIZ_zJ5_rzAKCnVfqZQ9vFJZu/w153-h200/27459563_10215354625279707_4728125536614313656_n.jpg" width="153" /></a></div>Hello pals of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs. Today in my New Year, Old You weight loss challenge, I'm preparing for my mental health counseling appointment and thinking about how much emotional health plays into weight loss or gain, obesity, and overall health. We hear on the gastric bypass reality show "My 600-lb Life" heartbreaking stories of abuse, neglect, shame, grief and depression. Categorically speaking, there's no way to get healthy physically if the emotional health part isn't addressed. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrPe-h5-9jNyR0r-n2jAeEhwt1eR6jpEt8MELpTn-6Nlm4FBh3enzwjidPmMKgfrSaq3Be9Dak_XWO96sXLg1I4mnNghHq5aStCXsLkfZWU0r9sJ1ysy-ZPf3FGIcSHof9DPzoJtQ4XtkW2vZIUl8XBHwiE1hvnakrEFn9i9XDWz7QOR_j_dWdhH1VMg0D/s1440/thumbnail.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1440" data-original-width="1080" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrPe-h5-9jNyR0r-n2jAeEhwt1eR6jpEt8MELpTn-6Nlm4FBh3enzwjidPmMKgfrSaq3Be9Dak_XWO96sXLg1I4mnNghHq5aStCXsLkfZWU0r9sJ1ysy-ZPf3FGIcSHof9DPzoJtQ4XtkW2vZIUl8XBHwiE1hvnakrEFn9i9XDWz7QOR_j_dWdhH1VMg0D/w150-h200/thumbnail.jpg" width="150" /></a></div><p></p><p>I'm titling this challenge New Year Old You because while I may want to lose weight, I don't want to change the core me. And that's integral to the mental health component of obesity. I want to clean up the outside so the inside can shine through. It's always a joy to watch "My 600-lb Life" patients discover, after gastric bypass, the real person they are and the lives they were meant to lead. It's exciting to see the laziness, whining, self-pitying and denial give way to energetic, joyful, participating in life! </p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIapNeRGsjOQDUaHKVTtYpozlwSNFYWTlYR8EIH945ul_PzDNHeEL9jzbsgyQ2TXgAPE_O-YhZRYri6_2y5sbAffAwz5amBlKuuC3aaL83JUQGJc-H3RCoWjnxsjZEX6HBFmmgvKyPrqQlq5RWqfKpuvey2HgMZLfzoXQ-J5OPq2ZZN2fvSMqqRftzk2D9/s800/10343491_10204178445202190_5976243278601562780_n.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="532" data-original-width="800" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIapNeRGsjOQDUaHKVTtYpozlwSNFYWTlYR8EIH945ul_PzDNHeEL9jzbsgyQ2TXgAPE_O-YhZRYri6_2y5sbAffAwz5amBlKuuC3aaL83JUQGJc-H3RCoWjnxsjZEX6HBFmmgvKyPrqQlq5RWqfKpuvey2HgMZLfzoXQ-J5OPq2ZZN2fvSMqqRftzk2D9/w200-h133/10343491_10204178445202190_5976243278601562780_n.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>In morbid obesity, we become someone we're not. We adopt unhealthy behaviors and spiral into misery. Part of how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs, was to rediscover the old me, the warrior, adventurer, lover, friend and carer buried inside. I had to do battle with demons of guilt, shame, helpless hopelessness and fear. I had to (and still have to) unpack neglect, abuse, grief, anxiety, and depression. <p></p><p>If you need someone to tell you that you deserve to be happy and healthy, please, let that person be me! You can do whatever you need to do to find that, with the help of your higher power! I love you and am cheering you on! </p><p>Love, mar<br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB2kmgJ7DAGHZ-crVt8wGt77nbfkHLHY18Dlvz3LjPrz1otVEeokMAD-wktyFDsfCweXKPVzAsT_S8OfN41YvEsx_3xiYbRJXgy1o0bKCXddlAJ69iTZyt4RoffOynG7munOU-1D3a5SzBL1uIWoxLXm1dJPmJjk0WZBQDKYK4iLmX_jT4J9mh4I62EAMf/s3264/IMG_20230524_144535934.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3264" data-original-width="2448" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB2kmgJ7DAGHZ-crVt8wGt77nbfkHLHY18Dlvz3LjPrz1otVEeokMAD-wktyFDsfCweXKPVzAsT_S8OfN41YvEsx_3xiYbRJXgy1o0bKCXddlAJ69iTZyt4RoffOynG7munOU-1D3a5SzBL1uIWoxLXm1dJPmJjk0WZBQDKYK4iLmX_jT4J9mh4I62EAMf/s320/IMG_20230524_144535934.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br /><br /><p></p><p><br /></p>Marilisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00153163314905846386noreply@blogger.com0