How I'm healing from narcissistic abuse by having conversations with the voices in my head

Hiya, post two, piggybacking on the last one about healing from narcissistic abuse by making it all about me. How I need to be a little selfish and take care of  myself because I always took care of self-centered parents and stepparents. Today I'm getting better by having conversations with the voices in my head. 

My life with them is characterized by toxic shame-based, guilt driven interactions. There was a steady stream of narcissistic abuse (which continues still) from four narcissist people. I was gaslit with a bunch of untruths, distortions, half-truths, self-serving lies and weaponized minimizing, discounting and shame-dumping. These wrong visions that "were planted in my brain still remain" in the form of CPTSD nightmares and sadistic, undermining voices in my head. 

This quorum claims to have insider knowledge into me, my motives and my failings. They claim to speak in my best interests. But they don't. They harangue and harass, sounding eerily similar to my mom and her husband and dad and his wife. (I realize now that what I thought was voices is actually memories). 

I've lived in terror of their tyrannical tirades, all my  life. I've been afraid of listening too closely because what they say is terrifying. But it's also very vague and unspecific. Because they speak for the narcissists they speak like the narcissists with illogical babble and word salad. They make random comments that make no sense. They rely nebulous threats and strange, covert intimidation as bullies do. 

Knowing this now, I thought I'd ask this panel of so-called experts that live freely in my head what they're talking about. To see if they're right or wrong, live or Memorex, helpful or hurtful. So the conversation went like this. V (voices) M (me)

V: you know how you're saying that your mom and dad and both steps did this and that to you? Why are you attacking them?  

M: (using Socratic dialog, a good tool BTW) Why do you ask? 

V: Well, c'mon, all four of your parents? Really? You're paranoid. It never happened. 

M: (not doing JADE, justify, answer, defend explain) Why do you say that? 

V: Well (spluttering) just...she said she didn't. He said he didn't. 

M: Nevertheless, they did.  

V: They said you're showing off. Like you always do. 

M: They would say that. It preserves their narcissistic fantasy. 

V: (word salad sprays)  Fantasy, please. Now you're the victim of some giant conspiracy theory. How pathetic. 

M: Agreed, it was pathetic of them. 

V: (ramping up the vicious) You're delusional. You're imagining it.  You're lying. It wasn't that bad. 

M: Am I imagining it or lying or it wasn't that bad? 

V: (major word salad rant) You're playing victim. You're too sensitive. You're too critical. You're judgmental! You don't understand them. You never give them a break. You always think the worst. You're a bad daughter and terrible family member. 

M: I have a family? Huh, that's news to me. 

V: Of course you do! You have two parents, two stepparents and brothers and sisters. 

M: Nope. I'm Jack's and Nancy's daughter (sic, possession) but they aren't my parents. They take authority over me but do not take care of me. They don't do what parents are supposed to do. As for  Bill and Ginny, they are my parents' spouses whom Jack and Nancy encouraged to exploit and abuse And the kids are their shiny new golden family of which I am not part of. If anything I'm their parent, based on the kind of care I'm expected to provide. And whom they allow to exploit me too. .  

V: What do you mean? Ginny and Bill are your parents. The kids are your siblings. 

M: Prove it. 

V: (visibly enraged) Well, they are because your parents say they are. 

M: I don't accept that.

V: (trying and failing to be reasonable) Well, they must be your parents and siblings. Your mom and dad say you have to obey, respect, do their bidding, do all their work, etc. 

M: Yes they did expect that. But I'm an adult and I don't have to now. 

V: Are you saying you don't have to respect them? What kind of monster are you?

M: One who is learning to take care of herself. Respect is earned. They have not. I owe them nothing. 

V: So you're saying it's okay to be disrespectful??

M: Define respect. And while you're at it, define obedience and good parenting. 

V: (silent for a moment) Bowing and scraping. Subservience. Unquestioning minion. You owe them respect but they don't owe it to you. Good parenting is discipline. You're so wayward they have to slap you around a bit to take you down a peg. You're arrogant and they have to humble (humiliate you). It's for your own good. 

M: Thank you. I thought that's what you meant. I just didn't think you'd actually have the balls to say it. You're completely wrong of course. 

V: They are your parents! You have to keep them happy. You have to fix their problems. Who will if you won't. 

M: I have to obey yet fix and take care of them? They are my parents or I am theirs, which is it?

V: Well, you have to honor them. The Bible says so. 

M: Look up the verse. There's more to it. And define honor. I think you'll find it means something different than you think. 

V: Are you seriously that evil?? Are saying you don't have to honor them?? You don't have to obey. These are their homes! Their rules! They are in charge! You have to do what they want. 

M: Funny I thought it was my home too. I clean it and do enough work around them. So homes are only theirs. That clears up a lot. 

V: You know that's not what we meant. But they're responsible. So they make the decisions. And besides, you have to do your share of chores. 

M: They act irresponsibly and shift their responsibilities on to me. They make the decisions and I live with the consequences. They neglect me. I don't have a room I always have to sleep with the baby (!)  I parent the kids. They exploit and parentify me. The other kids do no chores. Bill and Ginny do no housework. I do all theirs and most of Jack's and Nancy's too.

V: Well, you have to earn your keep. Do you expect to just freeload and do nothing? How lazy are you?

M: Ah, now we're getting down to it. I'm not family member but staff. None of the adults do their part. They don't even hold down jobs most of the time. The other kids do not earn their way. They don't help. They freeload and are lazy. So they are  not my siblings and the adults are not my parents. If I have to earn my keep then they owe me for nannying services (extra for nightime sleeping with the babies), housework and laundry (extra for ironing). And they have to provide me a room of my own. With rent deducted, they still owe $300 a week. (NB: costs at the time) Oh and if you add on guilt chores "mummy" doesn't feel like doing, that'll really cost you. Both for the extra work and the shaming. 

The voices are curiously silent after this. I'm finding they usually are when I start talking back and exposing their toxic rot. They are hurtful. But they are also just so much babbling word salad. I know that like the Sand People, they'll be back and in greater numbers. But I'm not backing down. Not anymore. 

How I'm avoiding narcissistic abuse by believing someone when they show me who they are

So yesterday I wrote about how I'm relooking at things my parents gaslit me into believing I did and which were wrong. Today I'm going to share how I'm overcoming narcissistic abuse by believing not what people tell me but show me they are.  

I told you all about the incident when my stepfather verbally and physically assaulted me because I couldn't find my baby when I came to pick her up from their house. He had fallen asleep and assumed she was on the bed where I'd put her for her nap. She wasn't and I was worried. I was not angry and did not act angry. I did not accuse anyone of anything nor even think to. My first worry was that she'd fallen off the bed because she was beginning to roll. I explained this but he would hear none of it and blasted me. For worrying about my baby. I immediately felt guilty because that's what I do when someone gets mad at me. I believe I've done something wrong. Mind I still hadn't found the baby. 

So that was odd enough. But what happened afterwards was terrifying. In desperation, I went looking around the block and found my sister taking her for a walk. When I returned, was he pleased that we'd found her? No. Did he apologize for yelling at me for being worried? He did not. He had been chewing on it and telling himself a bunch of shit and was in a towering rage. With a bunch of weird gaslighting word salad, he accused me of not trusting them, of being a bad daughter, of taking advantage of them. Of mistreating my mom. This from the one who has routinely abused and hurt me, since we met.  

I'm sobbing the entire time and babbling incoherent apologies. But as with all narcissistically abusive bullying this only fed him. Finally, he pushed me out the door, with the baby in my arms, and said "take your kid, get the hell out of my house and don't come back."

I was so terrified I think I wet myself. I went home in shame. I don't think I even tell my husband the full story. Which is probably good because he would have gone over... dealt with it. Anyway. That's also not the weirdest part of the story. Bill always was a little unhinged and this was not out of character. It was my mom's response. 

So you're probably wondering, sheesh, what did she have to say about all this? She must have been furious with him, right? Nope. Did she tell him to get out before she called the police? No. Did she apologize to me? No. Did she say "honey,  maybe it would be best to stay away for your safety?" No. Did she even make an excuse for him (bad enough)? No. She found a way to weaponize this for  her own narcissistic ends. And she did it with her very own special sauce, where she screws us all but has us blaming each other.  

Grammy Dearest made it all about her. First, she was sad she wasn't going to get to see her granddaughter because of him but he was within his rights to abuse me because it was his house. And she ever-so-fake-gently reminded me that, after all, I had caused the problem and insulted them (?) And that I wasn't welcomed over until "Bill was ready." These three words alone enrage my husband. So she told us what each wanted to hear, or well, what Bill wanted to hear and I guess what she thought I wanted to hear (that she'd miss my daughter, so generous of her) then completely backpeddled and ran us down.  

But she was the one that was hurt. Shame on us for putting her "in the middle." I find that people who say that have frequently put themselves there and enjoy it very much or aren't really in the middle at all as they've already taken sides. The one caught in the crosshairs was me, having the misfortune to get stuck in her spider's web of crap. 

But that wasn't the most bizarre part. That came later when he wrote me a note to apologize. My mother loves to tell how Bill has barely a 4th grade education and his handwriting is "childish." She gets extra narcissistic bonus points by making him look stupid all the while appearing so benevolently tolerant of his "ignorance." It's still not the weirdest part. 

I treasured that note because I knew it wasn't easy to write, both physically and emotionally. Backing down is not a forte of Bill's. A few months later, after my mom had been to church and was a on a religious-high, said her minister shared how his kids had told him what a great legacy he'd left them. She wanted to know what legacy she'd left me. 

Cricket. cricket. Now I was still under the illusion that my mom was essentially a caring mom, just misunderstood and that I was a wretch. But I wasn't that deluded that I could answer her question without some mental gymnastics. I couldn't say the truth which was "legacy? abuse, exploitation, neglect, manipulation, gaslighting, take your pick." So I cast about for answer which would appease her. 

I tried to explain how I admired her non-judgmental acceptance of people (lie, my mom is one of the judgiest I know, but anyway I believed it at the time). I don't remember how it came out but I used the example of Bill's letter in his sweet handwriting. Oh yeah, I remember now. I somehow linked it to the way she was humble enough to apologize when wrong. 

So she never apologized, he did. And she never admitted she was wrong. And that wasn't what she was looking for, anyway. Which was I guess, what a fabulous mom she was. Or maybe it was just the set-up it appeared. In retrospect, I now suspect she was trying to back me in a corner and that no answer would have been right. 

So my response wasn't great. But remember I'm trying to avoid the elephant in the living room without breaking my neck on her ice rink question. I asked her not to tell Bill only because I didn't want him to misunderstand. And obviously it was hard to find a way to say that a letter endears you because it took effort, without sounding patronizing.  I said, do you know what I mean, a lot.

Her mouth said she did but her manner said otherwise. Oh she agreed that the letter was an effort. And reiterated his immature handwriting. However, she signaled disappointment and I felt uncomfortably that I'd let her down. I realized that later. And it should have clued me in that we'd be revisiting this like the dog's dinner. However, I wasn't very good at listening to my inner voice then. I thought she'd taken her tribute and gone home satisfied. But no. Heads would roll. 

So as you know about revenge, it's best served chilled. She waited months. And then, when she'd stolen something from one of my kids (yep, you read that right) and I asked about it, BLAMMMO!! She who prides herself on being so patient and not an angry bone in her body, went nuclear. I have never seen her so angry and certainly never on my behalf. This was to distract from the real problem which was theft from a grandchild. 

With a lot of word salad, she screamed, "yeah well, you know letter you said Bill wrote you?? You know the one you made fun of him for his childish handwriting? (What??) The one you  mocked him about? (Double what??) You called him an ignorant hillbilly! (WTF??)  He says he never wrote it and YOU ARE LYING!!!" Talk about revenge topped with gaslighting and triangulation for afters! 

I had said none of those things!! SHE did!! And if I had why would she tell him if not to shame him? I had tried to answer her stupid-ass question and gotten kicked in the ass for my pains! I asked her not to say anything to him and she promised. And I literally had hard copy of the letter for the longest time, till I lost it. I got to hand it to her. Backstabbing us both, simultaneously while making us feel guilty for making her do it and still appearing as the pretty one. Damn, she's good.  

The only thing that gave her away, and which showed me her real agenda and prevented me from taking this one thing myself, was her vicious anger. If she could just have kept up her sucralose-sweet, ice princess stuff, she'd have won. I still believed the gaslighting. I thought it was a fluke. But through this chink in her armor, she let Medusa out and once seen, you can never unsee. 

So what did I learn from this. That covert narcissists are awesome hiders. But their meanest is their truest self. And believe who they show, not tell, you they are. Also if a question is impossible to answer safely, don't. Say, I'll think about that and get back to you. Then never do. Don't trust trolls with sensitive data. Also, Medusa isn't safe to look at face to face. Use a mirror. Don't take everything as written. Consider the source. Because after connecting the dots, a lot has proved to be false or from a hidden agenda. Also trust your version first. And if it looks and smells like bullshit, don't step in it.