Hello my friends. Childhood trauma recovery from narcissistic parent abuse is a long, complicated and often rocky road. Today I'm exploring how healing CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) means breaking rules our toxic family system laid down for us. And this can be very frightening because adult children of narcissists (ACON) were indoctrinated in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). Our one job was to keep them topped up on narcissistic supply, no matter how much it hurt us. We perfected the art of people pleasing and dancing attendance on our enmeshed parents. Even as adults, the thought of violating their rules, no matter how harmful and hypocritical they were, fills us with dread.
I would rather stay in the misery of narcissistic abuse than do something to displease them. Yet displeasing the narcissistic parent is exactly what I have to do, to get well.
Not all Rules are Good
So we know that the world operates better when there are restrictions and protocol to follow. This includes family systems where parameters keep people safe and secure. However in families governed by narcissism and parent enmeshment, the rules are biased in favor of the narcissistic father or mother. (I had four narcissistic parents.) The only thing that matters to the parent is getting their way no matter how dangerous what they want is or who they harm in the process. These parents set unsafe rules that damage rather than guide their children.
I did not know where my parents stopped and I began or if I even did. I was a human doing for them, not a human being. I was owned by them and also owed them all. I had nothing. No self. No individuality. Nothing.
Sociopathy and Narcissism Violate the Natural Order
Narcissism is characterized by arrogance, entitlement, ruthlessness, deceit and greed or selfishness. Narcissists believe only they matter. They are the main character in their own narcissistic fantasy. Everyone else exists as props and support crew. So when they become parents, narcissists expect the child will do, be, provide for them. They do not see themselves as having a duty of care to the child. Sociopathic or malignant narcissists or dark tetrads add the elements of cruelty and Machiavellianism. (doing whatever it takes to get what you want). They use very harmful methods of obtaining it: coercive control, gaslighting, intimidation, parentification, humiliation, narcissistic rage and child exploitation.
Narcissistic and enmeshed parents are the real rule breakers
Parent Enmeshment is the result of unbridled arrogant entitlement. Enmeshed parents see themselves as the center of the universe. Everyone else exists to serve them. They blur lines between them and their children. The child is a thing to be used. The scapegoat child or what I call the Broken Vending Machine Child is expected to dispense anything the parent wants with no reciprocity. These parents violate boundaries, punish individuation and disrespect privacy. They exercise no self-control and behave in reckless, irresponsible ways YET they maintain rigid Draconian control over their children. They exploit the parent power differential not to teach but to manipulate the child. They micromanage the most inconsequential things BUT at same time, provide no safety or security. It's all and only about power and control.
Narcissists all about BDSM
Emotional bondage, domination and sadomasochism are hallmarks of malignant narcissism. They control for the sake of feeling powerful. They get narcissistic supply off domination. And it is a form of sexual power too. Narcissists have a bent toward exhibitionism and histrionic personality. They crave attention. All four of my narcissistic parents loved humiliating me in front of people. My narcissistic father would make passive-aggressive snide comments and my narcissistic mother once threw a pie in my face for laughs. These are not nice people. They are sick, twisted deviants who abuse children. This violates every rule of the parent-child relationship in unspeakably disastrous ways. It is a direct cause of CPTSD.
Narcissist parents are anarchists and fascists
The sociopathic narcissist is an anarchist regarding their own behavior. Anything goes for them, because they believe they are above the rules. My narcissistic mother behaved in shockingly immoral, unethical and illegal behaviors. She preaches against abortion but took a girl to have one and I believe had an abortion herself. She sees nothing wrong with that. She had frequent adulterous affairs. But she also calls herself a Christian minister (she is not ordained but she thinks she is). She believes she is entitled to lay down rules for others which she has no intention of following herself. She was a fascist dictator as a parent to me. I was kicked out of their home at 16 for coming in 15 minutes late. I was routinely smacked across the face for "sassing" but I have no memory of saying anything. Childhood trauma responses had taught me only fawning and people pleasing.
Breaking Unhealthy Rules is Healthy
You know the old saying "the enemy of my enemy is my friend?" It works the same with immoral, unsafe, unhealthy rules. Violating them reverses the double negative and puts priorities back in logical order. And hypocritical double standards nullify themselves and render them worthless. If you're in a situation like this, think back to the two sets of rules your parents set. Were they there to keep you safe or keep you compliant? Were there reasonable and logical consequences or harsh punishment? Did they practice what they preached? If not, those "rules" may be just more chains to keep you under their thumb.
Some dangerous rules narcissists set
Here are some examples of spoken and unspoken rules mine set for me. And regarding the unspoken ones, very often what that meant was that rules changed on a whim, to suit them. Then I wasn't told until I "violated" one. An example is that I was loaded down with unfair, discriminatory and as history would prove, illegal chores. Being made to work unpaid in my dad's adult foster care home at 14, was illegal. I was forced as a young teen to co-sleep with babies and young children. Then my dad and narcissistic stepmom would add even more work, not tell me and then get mad if I didn't do them. It was a constant "guess what I'm thinking" game. Another was children must neither be seen nor heard. So any positive attention I got, sent them into narcissistic injury and retaliation mode. Oh and I was 19 when they set that one. Parentified and made to raise their kids and work like a skivvy for them but infantilized and treated like an idiot.
How to know which rules are unsafe
Dangerous rules include things like keeping secrets about child abuse and neglect. The self-absorbed parent uses a lot of toxic shaming language like "you're too sensitive" or "showing off for attention." So their rules will feel like ways to keep you quiet because they are. The rules also will make no sense or seem to have a hidden agenda. My dad moved me out of my room to sleep in a tiny room with my infant brother because my stepmother didn't want to deal with him. He then got into a rage and began hitting me because he said I wasn't showing proper humility about being moved out randomly. I had no idea what he was talking about as I had just quietly complied as always. I think he knew this was a stupid idea and he was mad at his wife. So the "rules" will have a surprise sting in the tail. My unemployed lazy abusive stepfather set a ridiculous curfew for me, then when I was 15 minutes late because I didn't have a ride, I was kicked out of the house. Which wasn't suitable anyway, having only two bedrooms and five people. I think he was looking for an excuse to evict me. They are always unfair and apply only to you. I had mountains of chores while my dad's sons had none. I had to be respectful and obedient to the other children while they were disrespectful of me.
Breaking Rules is Breaking Free
These aren't legitimate rules we are breaking so much as bonds that kept us tied to them. Trauma bonding caused betrayal blindness and also bondage blindness. Using coercive control, gaslighting, DARVO (deny attack reverse victim offender) along with bread-crumbing and future-faking and devalue and discard my parents created a terrifyingly fraught world where fear and subservience were my only options. But that world did not exist. And they did not actually have the power they wielded over me. It was all part of their narcissistic fantasy cult. It certainly felt real though.
The only way out is out
I have decided to let doors they slammed on me, stay closed. Which in common parlance is going no contact. I think of it as issuing a metaphorical restraining order in which I set boundaries around what I will and won't do anymore. They can do whatever they want, think what they want. I don't care. They can send their flying monkeys and play their family mobbing games. And I can go no contact with them too. I'm done being their Broken Vending Machine Child. Broken works both ways, no payout and no refund.
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