How I lost 100 pounds by ignoring gaslighting

Hey there my friends! I began this blog to share how I lost 100 pounds without anti-obesity medication or weight loss surgery. Then I started exploring why I was so anxious and had such low self esteem. And I traced it to CPTSD from narcissist parent abuse. So I wove that into this blog. Now I'm seeing how much obesity, weight gain, weight loss and narcissistic abuse are related. Today I'm exploring how I lost 100 pounds by ignoring narcissist parent gaslighting and all gaslighting about weight loss. 

Let me begin by identifying what is gaslighting versus just lies, unsolicited advice or defenses of opinion. Gaslighting is denying reality. It' not just denying another person's reality, but reality in general. The gaslighting person denies someone else's experiences. They say "it never happened, wasn't that bad, you're making it up, showing off for attention" blah, BS, blah. As you might imagine, narcissist parents are some of the worst gaslighters because they are strategically placed in a child's life, to do so. And they have a vested self-interest in keeping narcissistic abuse hidden and their abused child, silent. 

As you might also imagine, it really does a number on the child's self-esteem, being told they are lying, making things up or showing off. It destroys her self-care skills and replaces them with defense mechanisms of fight, flight freeze and fawn. Being bullied by her parents makes her a target for other bullies. It also makes the child, I guess gullible is the word. She's used to believing her arrogant, entitled, deceitful parents over her own common sense. So she falls  for things a better cared for, championed, supported and nurtured child would not. 

I felt obliged to fall for other people's crap. I felt obligated to roll over for any abuse and let them because that is what my parents said a "good girl" did. Oh so much wrong with that. Children of malignant narcissist parents like mine, will literally allow others to rape them (emotionally, mentally, physically, religiously) and then thank them for the privilege. There are no words for the level of depravity of malignant narcissists.  

By gaslighting (denying reality and the child's right and responsibility to protect herself) malignant narcissist parents deprive their child of life. Of self. Of confidence. As  I wrote recently, they tell the child she can't do things she can. They cripple her. So what does that have to do with how I lost 100 pounds? Everything. 

The chronic stress from their strategic chaotic gaslighting caused me to dwell in constant cortisol bursts which damaged my brain. Their weaponized deprivation, invalidation, manipulation, torture, undermining exhausted me. I put on weight easily because I didn't  have the energy even to keep my eyes open. I also lost weight from deprivation but always saw myself as fat. Soon I was gaslighting, second-guessing, invalidating myself. I did lot of weight yoyoing. And through it all, got shamed and blamed by my parents. You're too thin and it's making us feel outshone. You're too fat, you little pig. We'll put you on a 1,000 calorie diet at 8. 

This went on for nearly five decades till, one bright day, the sun shone and I was able to see through the gaslighting.  I was morbidly obese and hated myself. I started hitting my fat. And then I stopped and realized. I can change this. I'd always been told I'd fail at whatever I tried. But for once, I just thought, what if they are wrong? What if I can succeed at weight loss. And I did. Ignoring their gaslighting was how I lost 100 pounds. Mind you, the gaslighting didn't stop. I just chose to ignore it. I was still being told that I couldn't do it with calorie restricting, intermittent fasting, keto diet etc, after I had already lost weight! All of which were part of how I lost 100 pounds without drugs or surgery. 

Which proves to me that gaslighting is nothing more than delusional lies. They don't even hear themselves. But we do. We hear the illogical, nonsense. And when we stop listening is when we start hearing our own truth. 

Narcissist Parents gaslight kids into believing they cannot do things they can

I recently listened to a YouTube video by psychologist Dr Ramani and my goodness that woman is so astute about narcissism. And Dr Ramani, when you suggest not to make narcissism your magnum opus, I hear you. When you say you wake up at night thinking about it, I believe you. I appreciate more than you will ever know that you have. But I know it comes at a cost. As I am learning since finally in my sixties realizing that my parents and parental authorities (all 4) were raging narcissists. Lucky me.

Today based off one of Dr Ramani's talks and one by psychologist Jerry Wise, (another very wise person) about scapegoat kids, I'm going to share how narcissist parents gaslight kids into believing they cannot do things. That they will fail. And, boy howdy, the gaslighting is real. It occurred to me that they had me conned into taking as gospel fact, that I would be unable to do many things. 

Not that I had failed mind you. That I should just never try according to them. Many things. Silly things. Large and small things. Things I might have been very good at had I but tried. Yet I believed that my narcissist parents were ubermensch, clairvoyant, speaking ex cathedral from the mouth of God. (They have a convincing sales pitch that makes you believe this nonsense). SO I NEVER ONCE QUESTIONED THEIR GASLIGHTING.  Until now. I have believed these things for six decades. Let's just sit with that major mind mess. When Dr Ramani pointed this out it literally took my breath away to realize that this was me. Is me. I've been a cheerleader for everybody else but myself. 

And fat lot of good it does me now to realize that so many things they said I couldn't do I could have done if I had just not listened. Well that would have been about as likely as a rhinoceros walking down our street. I listened to their twisted, self-promotional, gaslighting version on everything. I let them not only instruct me but dupe, groom and indoctrinate me. But in fairness to myself I can't really say I let them. There really was no other safe choice. It is not safe to go against or even seem to disobey narcissist parents. They are utter knucking futs control freaks. They will play every dirty trick in the book if you do: mocking, shaming, scolding, invalidating, dismissing, cold shoulder, silent treatment, deprivation, draconian punishment, ambushing, character assassination, humiliation, smear campaigns, on and on and on.

If you are their scapegoat child that is. The Golden kids can do no wrong. Literally. Even when they are wrong, it is still your fault as the scapegoat in some way. It would be laughable if it wasn't so pathetic, how they lie and blame-shift and fudge around with reality. It's cringeworthy the way they turn every conversation to themselves or the Golden kids. I graduated magna cum laude with a 4.0 from a prestigious school and nothing but haughty sniffs from the 'rents. ON MY OWN I MIGHT ADD, NO HELP FROM THEM. No congratulations from my narcissist parents. But lavish parties thrown for the ones who barely graduated high school. And a friend's kid! Seriously, the year I walked graduated with a BA, my dad and his wife threw a party for their friend's son. But not me. I didn't even expect one that's how shitty they were. 

It's got to be a little bit embarrassing for these Golden kids to have mommy and daddy acting like their precious babies shite rainbows out of their asses. But be that as it may. That not my circus and I have no intention of addressing those monkeys. And I'm not jealous. I wouldn't trade. The goldens in my family didn't fare well, being constantly shielded from consequences. In fact, failure to launch best describes them. My narcissist parents can keep their little delusions. Much good may it do them. And as they burn bridge after bridge, I think other people are beginning to see how ridiculous it is. 

If I sound bitter, I am, if I'm honest. I won't let it ruin my life. But it's time to show up for the child, teen and young adult I was who was kicked to the curb. Thankfully I have lovely now people who make my now beautiful. But no amount of happy now can undo the harms I suffered. And one of which was the toll their gaslighting took on my confidence. I agree with Dr Ramani and Jerry Wise said this too. We who were scapegoated by our narcissist parents will never get back all they stole. We'll never be up to full power emotionally. We will never know what it is like to confidently approach a situation without agonizing hypervigilance, fear, obligation and guilt. 

That is at the crux of the problem and why our narcissist parents were so determined to tear us down. FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). We felt obliged to squash down our success because we were afraid it would outshine them and they would be angry and make us feel guilty. How messed up is that, when a parent can't feel glad and proud of their child, only resentful? How screwed  up is a parent who vindictively punishes their child's success? Not much of a parent, if you ask me. 

But why this vengeful attitude? Why the diminishing? I've said it before and I'll say it again. Normal people get ahead on their own merit. Narcissists elevate themselves by walking on others. When they said we couldn't do something they were saying they couldn't do it. They were telling on themselves. But as we know with narcissists they never admit failure. Their inflated, arrogant, vain, conceited sense of self won't let them. So they DARVO (deny, accuse, reverse victim offender). No that the child is offending by succeeding. But the narcissist is offended and feels victimized. So it must be the child's fault for somehow persecuting them. Delusions of grandeur and persecution, thy name is narcissist. 

I remember my mother telling me that "if it weren't for you, I would have held a prestigious position within the church." Now this is a weird thing to say for many reasons.  First, she was shaming me for existing and getting in the way of her "success." I did not choose to be born. Next, she has consistently church-hopped. In my childhood, they attended probably 16 different denominations. Briefly. Till somebody didn't see how ultra special they were and they got their noses out of joint and flounced off.

So I'm not entirely sure which church she was referring to. I am guessing it was the Salvation Army which we attended for maybe 6 months in Alaska. Where they had gone to be missionaries. They were not under any church affiliation and whichever church they were in when they left (I can't recall, maybe Baptist?) categorically disavowed their call. Basically the elders said "you do this on your own. We do not support you." And of course that church then became the haters, the unbelievers, yada yada. Because they did not support (aka fund) Jack's and Nancy's pet fantasy. 

So back to my mom's exalted position that I'd prevented her from enjoying. I think she fancied herself as some sort of religious guru. I know she told me that she was going to be a youth group leader and that's why we had to move to a remote island. In the middle of divorce/ separated from my dad with a young child. In a church she had been in for 2 months. While blatantly cheating on my dad with various men. So a church is going to usher you in, a single parent, whose husband is God know where, with no training, living en flagrante sin, to lead their youth?? I think now, seeing as an adult, they had just made themselves too hot to handle and were being sent away where they could do the least harm. But she had to spin it as her choice and style herself as a leader, not a pariah who'd worn out her welcome. I even wonder, based off the fact that she left me on said remote island with strangers to go "to Seattle (1800 miles away) for a bladder infection, whether she was pregnant and going to get an abortion. It wouldn't be out of character. 

It's also funny that she vaguely just said she would have a prestigious position. Thereby showing that she had no idea what the structure of the church was. She just knew she would be somebody very important. Had 6-year-old me not held her back. Well she never put much energy into the mothering job anyway. I did a lot of time wandering alone no idea where she was and certainly no idea where my dad was in that enormous state of Alaska on one of his "mission trips" with some teenagers whose parents he was able to con into going along. I have no respect for any parents who would allow their kids to go into the wilds of Alaska with a stranger, just saying. If he was actually on a mission trip. Later stories made it sound more like a fun gap year walkabout. 

You see, it could never be Jack's fault or Nancy's fault that they're pie in the sky ideas didn't work out. For one thing they never put any work into it. They were the idea people. The grunt work was for everyone else to follow through on. I think, as cringy and delusional as the sounds,  they just got it in their heads, drove to Alaska, no plan in mind, no place to stay (we lived in at least 11 places in the year I was there), knowing no one, having no job or means of support. I think they expected to waltz into town and have the Indians (who they were planning to convert, toes curling here) just line up to take them in, feed them and care for them. While they sat on their asses and "preached." AWKWARD!!!!

So when I had dreams of doing normal people things, like going to University, completing a degree, becoming a teacher, possibly getting my PhD, singing in a choir, having a solo even, Acting in theater, writing a book. All of those things were shot down. When I'd sing in the bathroom he'd say I was just showing off and fishing for compliments. Why was he in the bathroom with me? I wonder that myself now. While he'd theatrically play his violin and even bring it into new churches, waiting to be asked to play and then getting huffy if they didn't. He wouldn't let me sing in the group I started and invited him to participate in. He just took over like he always did. Quite a few folks asked me why I never sang anymore. How do you say because my dad doesn't think I'm good enough.   IN THE GROUP I STARTED!!! 

I remember him telling me "you'll never make a good teacher. You're too sensitive." And as Dr Ramani predicted, I believed that's because he cared about me. Which is horseshit. He also used the "you're oversensitive" when he would bully and belittle me. So not feeling that love there, Jack. It was just a way to shame me and keep me from pursuing talents. 

Another time, when visiting my stepmother, an obese bed bound computer addict, she asked me in her snarky way, "so I hear you have some little blogs online?" Actually those little blogs were paying about $50 a day and featured my work as a top 10 Yahoo! writer. But of course I let her diminish my success and said basically it's nothing. She asked what I wrote about and I said oh money saving tips, lesson plans, weight loss and things like that. 

And she retorted in a snotty way "well don't tell Dan (brother) and his wife. They are way in debt." When I asked why I would not share with them how to get out of debt, she said "you'll just embarrass them and make them feel bad." Mmmkay. So they would pay Dave Ramsey for financial advice, but free advice from me, well what could I possibly know? Even though I paid off $10,000 in debt in one year. They are still in debt by the way. And stepmother died in debt. So, yeah. But you know what's sad? I let her get into my head and make me feel guilty and ashamed for writing. 

And there were other rude comments about my weight loss. My dad actually bragged up his 400 lb wife losing 5 lb. But was very scornful of me. They were not interested in how I lost 100 pounds WITHOUT DRUGS OR SURGERY. I had to laugh, at one point he said you'll never do it. I don't remember if it was to get the college degree, pay off the debt or lose weight. The hilarious thing was I already done them all! 

When I graduated college he said, nose in the air, "well, college isn't for everyone." You mean you failed at it. They made snotty comments about breastfeeding which was very important to me. He said "not all women are cows." I never bragged about any of it. But they took my quiet success as a personal injury. These are just a few examples of how those who can't insult those who do. I wish that I had not believed their gaslighting. Think how much more I would have accomplished if just one of those flying monkeys had cheered. 

Narcissist parents gaslight the child that self-defense is contradicting disobedience

 Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal CPTSD from narcissist parent abuse, I'm exploring how malignant narcissists gaslight their scapegoat child that self-defense or standing up for herself is contradicting, disobedience, "mouthing off", excuse-making or even attacking the parent. The parent does this to throw the already unbalanced power differential. They also do it because they put their own deceptive, shady spin on things. They treat the child as if she were acting as they would act in situations. I'll explain. 

We'll work backwards through this, beginning with that last part. Malignant narcissists come at life with a twisty, scheme-y, one-jump-ahead-of-the-law mentality. They are always trying to evade consequences of their irrational, irresponsible and reprehensible actions. They get away with as much as possible and lie their way out of it. They look for loopholes, plea bargaining, alibis and wiggling out of punishment, instead of honestly admitting what happened and defending themselves reasonably. 

I could list you scam after scam my mother and then she and her boyfriend/husband have perpetrated over the decades. From cheating on my dad to having affairs with married men after the divorce, to stealing from me, to conning me and my husband out of our car, to running a contraband foster care home, to Ponzi and Pyramid schemes, to multiple bankruptcies and fake lawsuits, to illegally kicking me out of the house, to staging accidents for insurance, you name it. And that doesn't begin to touch all the sketchy, abusive, neglectful, illegal crap they did to me over the years. 

My dad was the same song, with different verses. He stalked a 17 y/o girl at 36 and called it dating. Everyone else called it creepy. He jumped jobs and houses at the rate of about one a month, to avoid legal entanglements, etc. He frequently walked out on me for months at a time, conning me that he was "going on a mission trip." He and my stepmom exploited tribal housing subsidies and wrote fake prescriptions for opioids. 

If cornered, their M.O. is DARVO, deceive and deflect blame. I have never heard any of them take genuine responsibility for a thing. It's all lies, excuse, evasions and blame-shifting. HOWEVER, when I was young, they were all militantly on me for the least infraction, mostly invented, all of them normal kid things. I was harshly punished by being hit, slapped across the face, grounded for months, deprived of my room, having money extorted (yes I had to pay for my transgressions), made to do even more ridiculous household tasks. 

If I ever defended myself, rationally, by telling my side of the story, it was twisted into "lying" "just covering yourself" and disobedience to their supreme authority. I was instantly guilty just because someone said I was. I recall one time, I was a teacher and my younger brother was in my class. I had to reprimand him and he went home and told his parents that I was unfair. They came unglued on me without hearing my side. I was 20 and they tried to punish me like I was 12. Bear in mind I was doing all the work around the house to pay for my "room and board" and had been since I was 12. 

When I spoke up and told my side, my dad got upset because he knew they were wrong. Then he rounded on my brother but too little too late. Brother and stepmother never ever apologized. They would never have taken his part against any of the other teachers who were my stepmother's friends. The principal actually called them on the carpet for unloading on me. They yelled at me for "making a family matter" public. Despite them dragging their issues into my professional arena. They said I was lucky because they "got me this job." Har-de-har. They were getting free tuition thanks to me working at the school! 

This is one of the few if any other times I stood up for myself. You can probably see why. Everything I said was twisted into excuse-making. I was tried and hung before the story was even told. Like they were looking for an excuse to. This kind of bullying ambush attack happened time and again from all four of them. One time when I was holding me new baby daughter. I was a grown adult and they were still using the "disobedient" line with me. That's how far up their own arrogant, deluded asses they were. Talk about your fall girl. And even though my malignant narcissist parents had an excuse for  every bad thing they did.  

My mom would routinely hit me across the face. She said for "sassing" or "lipping off." I thought I knew what I'd said to cause it. But looking back, I can't remember anything I said. I just recall her hand up and wham! And she never actually defined what I said or how it was wrong. I know I was a very biddable, people pleasing child, especially of my narcissist parents. She has alternate endings too. Sometimes she says she never hit me. Then for her party trick, she'll tell how she only stopped hitting me because I "hit her back." *Does memory check* Nope, never happened. Pretty sure I'd have remembered hitting me mom. I may have put my hand up to shield my face, but then why did I have to shield my face if you weren't hitting me? 

If I questioned them on their attacks of me, I was "contradicting" them. If I did anything but knuckle under, I was called disobedient. Soooo, it's disobedient for me to take care of myself? To defend myself? As opposed to letting people take advantage of me, to ride herd over me? Putting up and shutting up about unfairness cruelty would be obedience? And why would a loving parent do and say things that are "contradictory" to the child's welfare? Of course I have to contradict you to get any justice for myself. Because you sure as hell don't have my best interests at heart. 

But I didn't know any of this. I just thought I must be some kind messed up. There was no winning and so I gave up trying. But I didn't stop playing their sicks games. Problem is, I was playing by fair, equitable rules and they were playing by their own made up, flip-flopping double standards. I fell for their gaslighting every time they said I was "just making excuses." I didn't want to dodge responsibility. I just wanted to understand what it was that I did wrong. You know, like, so I could learn from mistakes?? 

But no, that was never their intent. There were no mistakes to learn from, other than normal kid things. But funnily enough, they didn't care two hoots about any normal kid shit I dealt with unless they could leverage it to their advantage. Which is weird too. Why would a parent who already has the power differential, need leverage over their child. Ohhh, wait a minute, got it. Malignant narcissist parents do not want their child to know that she has ANY power or control. This way they keep them in cowering fear. That's why the gaslighting about self-care or self-defense being disobedient. 

Malignant narcissist parents (dark tetrads) have to brainwash their child with garbage about how independence is some kind of brand disloyalty. How sentient thought is wicked contradictory disrespect for parent authority. Because they have earned neither respect nor loyalty. So they have to extort it by devious methods. And the indoctrinating of a vulnerable sweet, loving child is the perfect way.

Do you know, I'm 61 and half years old and I just figured that out today? 

Narcissist parents gaslight and disorient kids with "gotcha" questions

Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal CPTSD from narcissist parent abuse, I'm examining how  narcissist parents gaslight and disorient kids with "gotcha" questions.  These intentionally loaded, manipulative tactics aren't questions as much as devious character attacks designed to trap people into lose-lose situations. They aren't fact-finding but accusatory. The point is to corner, humiliate, undermine and flip the power differential around so that the gotcha victim is left floundering. And if "gotcha" questions are difficult for adults they're a hellish nightmare for children. 

My narcissist parents used gotcha questions and entrapments masterfully with me. Curiously, however they also "got" themselves because many of the things they supposedly trapped me in were situations they orchestrated or were culpable in. For example, my mother would tell me to go play in the park, three blocks away, alone, at age 5. She'd say "just don't go in the bathroom because there's a man who touches little girls in there." 

When I came home (after using the bathroom because it was too far to walk and I was too young to understand), she said "you disobeyed me and went in the bathroom, didn't you?" I was so ashamed and thought my terrible sin was somehow written all over my face. What I didn't realize is that this was her set up so I would be so embarrassed I wouldn't tell anyone that my mother put me in danger by sending me to the park in the first place. 

Narcissist parents use gotcha questions to keep the child focused on her own "bad behavior" and not her parents' much worse actions. Malignant narcissist parents (dark tetrads) also do it to "implicate" the child in things they did themselves. The gotcha questions are phrased in such a way that there is no right way to answer. No matter what the child says, she will be wrong. It will look like she is just lying to protect herself. 

Narcissist parents will accuse her of defending herself and not taking responsibility. That's one part of their gaslighting. Defending yourself by explaining what happened or telling your side of things, is a form of taking responsibility. You are taking ownership of  what you did or didn't do. But the parents twist it by saying the child explaining herself is "just making excuses." That defending herself is disobediently defying parental authority. 

This presents all kinds of dangers for the child to fall into. First, it teaches her that obeying authority is the be all end all. No matter how toxic, irrelevant or false that authority. It teaches her that taking care of other people trumps taking care of herself. It teaches her that obedience to parents is all that matters, whether they are healthy loving parents who are safe to obey. Or if they are dementor control freaks whose aim is to destroy the child with self-indulgent, inappropriate and exploitative demands. 

Malignant narcissist parents don't ask leading or gotcha questions to help their children or teach them healthy ways. They do it to coerce, entrap, ensnare, trip up and cause them to fall. Malignant narcissist parents are stumbling blocks to their children. Because they like to humiliate and because they are trying to camouflage their own bad behavior by keeping the spotlight on the child.  

Parents by virtue of holding the parent title already have the power differential. They make decisions for, control resources of and dictate their child's life. A healthy parent recognizes that with this power comes responsibility. Malignant narcissist parents (dark tetrads) are irresponsible power hungry control freaks. They do all they can to further increase the power differential so that they hold all the cards. They do this to strip the child of the legitimate autonomy she does possess so they can possess her body and soul. 

How I lost 100 pounds and kept it off by ignoring weight loss critics

 Hey my friends. Today I'm looking at weight loss from a musical comedy perspective. I'm going to show how I lost 100 pounds by listening to Funny Girl. You know the part where she sings "Don't rain on my parade?' Mah torch song! Just listen to these wise words. 

Don't tell me not to fly

I've simply got to

If someone takes a spill

It's me and not you

Who told you you're allowed

To rain on my parade?

Essentially, what's it to you? Why do you care so much about whether I can or can't do it? You never cared that much before? In fact were perfectly willing to watch me fall, not lend a hand, cause me to fall and stand back and laugh? You should be thanking me for risking my neck! And you're not the one who will take a spill. 

And what does that have to do with how I lost 100 pounds? More than you might think. It's surprising, or at least it was to me, how many naysayers there are about weight loss. How you do it: intermittent fasting, calorie restricting, portion control, keto diet. Everyone's a critic. And the FDA, CDC, AHA, WHO and Wikipedia all rolled into one. One thing you can be sure of, is that if you declare this or that method, calorie restricting for example, 9 of 10 people will tell you you are wrong. 

But back to the song, why do they care? If they're the narcissist type to enjoy watching you fall, well they should be glad. Apparently they'll soon have the opportunity to gloat. The ones that crack me up are those who tell you you won't when you already did. Part of how I lost 100 pounds was to just sorta fly my freak flag and do my thang. To quote the rest of the song: 

I'll march my band out

I'll beat my drum (gorgeous crescendo) 

And if I'm fanned out

Your turn at bat, sir

At least I didn't fake it

Hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it. 

I'm going to try. Maybe I'll fail, maybe I won't. But it seems a lot of weight loss detractors don't want you to try. They wanna rain on your parade before it's even begun. A doctor who was not an obesity medicine specialist told me "you'll never lose weight on your own. You need gastric bypass surgery." Well, challenge accepted. Thrown gauntlets are part of how I lost 100 pounds. Never tell a Netherlander no! Red flag to a bull. 

So why all the finger-pointing around weight loss? Because on some level weight loss critics have a vested interest in seeing you fail. Critics come in six forms. And you should be careful of all of them. 

Sour grapes. These are those who tried and failed at weight loss. Now they work to undermine anyone else's success. If I can't have I will ruin it for you. These are the people who say you can't lose weight calorie restricting because they couldn't. You have to be careful because some will go to great lengths to sabotage weight loss. Part of how I lost 100 pounds was by ignoring them. 

Devil's advocates. These are the people who argue against this or that diet just for the sake of argument. They really don't care how of if you lose weight. They just want to throw their weight around. Beware because they are not above disseminating untruths or lying. Usually they're just rumor-mongering. 

Fake concerned. These are the "I'm just saying what others are thinking" people who are "worried" because you've lost so much weight. Or that you'll ruin your health with intermittent fasting or calorie counting. You won't if you're careful which you will be.  No one is thinking anything that they know of. They just want to imply a quorum. Usually because they resent your weight loss but don't want to be seen as petty. 

Self-Righteous Know-it-alls. These are the ones who said after I shared how I lost 100 pounds with calorie restricting, that it can't be done. Well, I just did. Or they'll say "you do know that's been debunked, right?" What, my weight loss or intermittent fasting? It wasn't. They are just exaggerating some tidbit to make themselves sound informed. You have permission to smirk, lol. 

Green-eyed monsters. These are a combo of all. They are jealous of your weight loss. They probably resent any good thing that happens to anyone but them. (cough, narcissists). They will say rude, dismissive or awkward things. "You don't look like you've lost that much." "Wow, you really brag don't you?"  They always turn it back to themselves. "That guy can't keep his eyes off me." These are the folks who try to outshine the bride at her wedding and end up looking silly. 

Profiteers: the worst kind. These weight loss critics profit from obesity, selling weight loss drugs or surgery, like that doctor. They don't make money if you lose weight without medical help. Avoid them as you would Covid. They do not have your best interests at heart. 

So part of how I lost 100 pounds was not only with calorie restricting and intermittent fasting but by  just letting the weight loss critics rant on and doing me. 

Photos of my are before and after I lost weight, in 2014 and currently. So this post is about how I lost 100 pounds and kept it off. 

How I lost 100 pounds by taking responsibility for me, not my narcissist parents

 Dear friends. I had an AHA moment recently which I realize is part of how I lost 100 pounds. For the past few years, I've been connecting childhood trauma from narcissist parent abuse to weight gain, weight loss and unhealthy self-image. Today I'm going to explore how I lost 100 pounds and am healing CPTSD from narcissist parent abuse, by taking responsibility for me, not my narcissist parents. 

My epiphany came in the form of awareness of what my goal in healing CPTSD actually is. I am not trying to make my narcissist parents responsible for themselves. It's about me not taking responsibility for them anymore. Now that might seem like a no-brainer to anyone who was not a child of irresponsible, entitled, arrogant narcissists.  Obviously, parents take care of themselves and their children, not the other way around. Unless they need care when elderly and then it's still the child's choice, not an obligation. 

But that's not what narcissist parents teach us. They groom us to think we are beholden to them from the time we are born. We come into this world to care for them, as if they were the children and we the parents (parentification) in whatever ways they demand. But we're also the children.  We owe them support, soothing, feeding, cleaning up after AND loyalty, service, respect, obedience. They owe us nothing. 

In this way they play both ends for the middle. They are the parent or child in the parent-child relationship when that suits them. We are always the parent AND the child with all the demands of both. If Freud thought the normal Id-Ego-Superego personality model was difficult to juggle, he should have tried juggling all three at once. It's exhausting. And it sets the Transactional Analysis PAC model on it's ear. The Parent-Adult-Child child must guess which role her Id-Superego shifting people called parents want now. 

I recall at four, being very excited about a necklace birthday present my dad and I had gotten for my mom. I don't know which house we were it. I lived in 39 places before age 20. (That's another of their irresponsible treatments of me, not providing a consistent home). But I can remember placing it in the center of the chenille bedspread in a pretty package. I was very excited for her to open it. My center-of-the-universe mother said sarcastically "where are all my presents?" 

I thought she was really angry. She sure as hell acted like she wasy. And I started crying because I thought I'd failed her in some way. She laughed smugly in the "gotcha" way. She actually seemed to enjoy making me feel small. I guess she thought she was funny. My dad got angry with her and then she pouted and flounced off then apologized in a facetious backhanded way, saying "I was JUST kidding." I will say that if anyone  had ever joked like that with her, she would incandesce. 

I wasn't old enough to understand what just happened. I didn't have words for her behavior. I just know I felt awful. Dad just told me to calm down and wash my face like nothing had happened. So again, all my responsibility. Be the adult Marilisa. Let's not confront Nancy's shitty behavior. Let's not call out the fact that she gets off on scoring off other people. Even her little daughter. Who was supposed to just humor mother.  I was placating them before I even knew what it was. And was never soothed myself. I was parenting them when I didn't even know what it was like to be appropriately parented. 

This is one tiny example. But I've shared more in past posts. Parenting all four of my narcissist parents (oh yes, they married others as if two weren't enough) is just how I'm wired. As is not expecting any normal parenting from them.  But, BUT I also was the child whom they infantilized. Not in the overprotective way. They treated me like I was the immature, petulant and childish one. So I guess I believed it even though the childish behavior I mostly only saw in them. 

Not holding down jobs or supporting the family, moving every couple of months for some ridiculous scheme. Not providing, depriving, selling my toys and things to pay the bills. Not paying bills. Squatting and living off charity of other families. Mooching, freeloading, borrowing money and not repaying. Guilting other people into paying their way. Dragging me around God knows where for God knows why. That was them. 

AND THEN treating my like I was the freeloader because I needed a place to live. It went from them not providing for me when they were married and then dating to me suddenly being some kind of interloper when they found new people. Even when my mom moved her jobless boyfriend into our house. It was now HIS HOUSE. He called the shots, from the couch. And my dad's new wife who was only 14 years older than me, was suddenly mistress of all and had to be obeyed. She dictated if 10-y/o me would be allowed to live with them or not. Like she had a damn choice!! They were all so entitled and just made it up, gaslighting as they went. 

I can just hear my dad cajoling her, saying "think how much help Mary will be to you." Humph, help. Live in servant, nanny, cook, housekeeper, laundress, more like. I heard all the time about "earning my keep." Like I was the adult squatting in my parents' home. And if anyone says to me, that's just how it was then, I have a big BS for ya. It was nothing like that for any of my other family, agemates, classmates, friends, kids from church. And to this day, I've never met anyone who experienced this. Lucky me. 

And they never did any of this with their new children. They had all kinds of things, necessities, that I never was given. My mother is overfocused on any ache or pain my sister has (Munchausen's by Proxy) while completely uncaring of mine or my family's. Many times she's dismissed my dangerous health issues when I was an adult and a child: congenital hips, chronic strep throat, early onset arthritis, PMDD, Strep B virus, loss of stillborn babies, pre-vax Covid, shoulder surgery, 

All this Frankenstein-ing with role reversal doesn't translate well into real adulthood. We carry so much gaslighting, chaos, stress, mixed messages, confusion of responsibility and trauma with us. I recall sharing once at Al-anon how my mom needed so much from me and I felt so guilty. My mom had no real physical disabilities. My sponsor said point blank my mom was too young too need so much care. That it sounded like factitious disorder or Munchausen's. But I couldn't shake the feeling of obligation and guilt. 

They said I owed them money, time, care, to live in my basement rent-free. To be given my car. They actually stole one car and money. They do not honor agreements or bargains. They play the "we're family" card when they want something and demand paybacks like it was a business transaction when they do for me. They lie and say gifts were loans. I could go on and on. 

So yes, part of how I lost 100 pounds was to stop carrying their deadbeat selves. And I've never felt lighter. But you know the irritating thing? If I tell anyone I've gone no contact with them, or that I don't particularly care if they need or not, suddenly, folks are so concerned that I've failed my duty as a child to my parents. Suddenly, those who cared not on iota when I was on the neglect end start quoting scripture about how I have to take care of my parents when they are old. 

I've been taking care of them all my life!! Sure now they're old but they've played that card all their lives! They don't get to come back now, after double dipping and bleeding me dry, demanding their parental rights. They gave those up when they neglected, abused, exploited and parentified me and let other people do it to me. It has always been the Jack and Nancy, Bill and Ginny show. Two went to their graves with no remorse or admission of guilt, just shaming for me. 

All I ever heard about was them and their kids, never me. Every good or bad thing that happened to me or that I have done has been spun to be about them. It's like I never existed or was just a source of supply. And somehow I believed that and that's why my sense of self is so skewed. I really don't have one. And now I'm tapped out, burned out, like no amount of childcare could ever cause. Children grow and develop legs. Malignant narcissists just hang off you like Voldemort slowly sucking everything from you. They get whinier, more petulant, grabby, needy and entitled. I think that's why I have so much chronic pain from the stress of carrying them all and being so taken advantage of. 

 I'll be honest. I really don't care anymore. I don't care what they are suffering. I don't want to see them hurt but I don't want to listen anymore. So much of it has been self-inflicted or invented for pity. I'm sick playing along with their DARVO schemes. I don't know what's real and what's faked to get things. I've heard all my life my mother's various factitious disorder ailments. And I'm just bored by them now.

They've opened foster care homes to get rich quick and I was the one made to do all the work. My mother planned to take custody of a disabled girl for her SSI and a free house. It fell through. Because she's only always ever thought of  herself.  She moved me in to get the child support which they did not use for me. She kicked me out because their home was unfit and blamed me. They've made consistently bad choices for selfish ends. They've blown through every relationship by their scamming. They've had to move to keep ahead of the law. They have effed around and now they are finding out. Why would I continue to throw good money after bad? 

I don't think any of them miss me at all. They just miss what I provided. And that sucks. It's going to take me awhile to process how it feels to be so unloved and used. I wish I could just bury it in a box and walk away. I'm not holding onto these hurts. They won't let me go. Believe me, I would if I could. So prepare for more posts like this as I cleanse the memories. 

It's not about them and what they need or want anymore. If they are in need they should have thought of that and didn't. They should have appreciated me and didn't. I don't need to "rise above" or "be the bigger person." I am just by surviving their abuse. I don't want to hear "their side of things." They've had their say for too long. I've no interest in their justifications or reasons or apologies. If they were sorry, they'd have said so decades ago. Nothing can justify treating a child like this. 

What does this have to do with how I lost 100 pounds? Everything. Weight loss, like any other life change is about taking charge of your life. It's about ignoring the Hakken-Kraks gaslighting and plunging in, despite your fears or shamers. 

If that is disobeying God, I'll burn that bridge when I come to it. (to quote my wise husband). 

Toxic positivity and irrelevant unsolicited advice from blind guides derail healing

 Hello my friends. Today in my healing journey from narcissist parent abuse, I'm looking at how toxic positivity (or toxisplaining as Dr. Ramani calls it, great word!) and irrelevant advice derail healing. I was listening to Youtube psychologist Dr. Ramani talk about how damaging empathy for the narcissist can be to their victims' recovery. I was struck by how quick we are to listen to the "advice" (usually cloaked shaming) of irrelevant blind guides who have no understanding of , concern for nor connection to our experiences. 

I talking here about people who, when told some awful thing your narcissist mother or father did, will say "she meant well." "She did the best she could." (and you know this because...?) "He's a victim too." (so what?) "It's not that bad." (says you) Aren't you exaggerating a little?" (or downplaying) What did you do to bring it on yourself?" (SMH) "At least you had a mother and father." (where were they?)  "You should be grateful not complaining." "It's your mom I feel sorry for." (so does she) It's like they didn't hear a word you said. They just go right into shaming patronize mode.  WHEN THEY DO NOT EVEN KNOW YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER let alone were there when all the harm was happening! 

Let me illustrate with a story about one of my students. Andy was a very young 9, to start with being preoccupied with Pooh Bear, definitely on the spectrum but undiagnosed. Andy was very off-task and rarely able to contribute to classroom conversations.  Andy's dad used to take him to city hall meetings which Andy had no understanding of. Yet, in the middle of their conversation, Andy butted in with some irrelevant observation. When asked to sit down, Andy's dad said "I think we should listen to what this boy has to say." When the board members requested he be quiet, Andy and his father became angry and had to be asked to leave. 

Now Andy didn't mean any harm. But he also had nothing to add. He and his parents just lived on their own planet. He had no understanding or concern about the discussions. Andy was used butting in and not being challenged. He got very angry if he was. I had a dickens of a time teaching Andy appropriate social skills, most of which were undermined by the parents. Anyway. His "contribution" to the board meeting was about as helpful as those people who weigh in with unsolicited advice on your trauma. Except that Andy didn't know any better and these people do. 

Like Andy, they feel entitled (operative word) to weigh in. Unlike Andy, they weigh in on high stakes issues like our suffering with glib suggestions, axiomatic cliches, non-contextual Bible verses quoting and pointless comparisons and we feel obligated to take it to  heart. And that is what this post attempts to address. Not why they give idiotic, useless, detrimental unsolicited advice. They do because they do. And you know them by this habit. I would cut my tongue out before I gave unsolicited advice, especially toxic, demeaning, finger-pointing kind. I  know how it feels. And I don't know what they are going thru so I won't pretend I do. I will sit with them and hold space. 

What I want to address is why we give their toxic positivity or toxic splaining the time of day? Why do we even waste time listening to what is basically more abusive nonsense, let alone validating  it as some kind oracle? Why do we take them seriously and prioritize their irrational ramblings over our own common sense? Why do we let random people with no qualifications, dictate our experiences, "oughttas" and obligations for us?

Because those of us who have been narcissistically abused, especially us children of narcissist parents have been GROOMED and INDOCTRINATED to ignore our own valuable, reasonable, educated good judgement in favor of worthless, irrelevant, illogical, ignorant AGENDA-BASED opinions. We have been taught to cede control to the immature, childish Andy's in our life, and let them wreak havoc. We've learned to give them their way or suffer the consequences.  We've learned  to ignore our own wisdom, common sense, self care, etc. 

We are used to giving everyone airspace over ourselves, no matter what a waste of space their opinions are. Or how they contradict, dismiss, invalidate or minimize our experiences. Or how Code Red is our need for authentic support. We are literally choking to death and these people will throw us a trite, useless platitude instead of a life ring. And still we feel obliged to do what they say. We let the kittens man our spaceship. 

I do this all the time and it really grinds me when I realize I've just done it again. I will acknowledge frustration or admit concern or whatever. And someone will scold or patronize me. And I will automatically surrender to their superior wisdom. I will apologize for complaining, retract my statements, yada yada. I'm not sorry. I still feel that my assessment was right. But suddenly I'm ashamed of thinking or feeling that way. Just because someone scolded me. Doesn't matter who. I do it habitually, without thinking. Where self-care and confidence are kneejerk to most people, cowering in shame is my default response. 

Because I am accustomed to yielding anything, anywhere, anytime to anyone who wants it . And that is a dangerous, sorry state of affairs. I have been kicked and sucker punched and exploited and molested and stomped on TOO MANY TIMES TO COUNT all because I have been taught not to stand up for myself. Not just untaught but punished for self-care, self-protection, self-preservation. Freezing and fawning are ingrained defense mechanisms.

But now I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm starting to let my good sense not nonsense call the shots. First, I think it's interesting Dr. Ramani's term "toxic splaining" a morph of mansplaining. The root is explaining. Let's look at what's wrong with some random person "explaining" our lives and experiences to us." What monstrous arrogance! As if they can just take a quick peek and sum up all the abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, triangulation, scapegoating, parentification, invalidation, toxic shaming and gaslighting I endured from my narcissist parents with on pithy aphorism. 

And who are they to explain anything to us, let alone our most vulnerable pain and suffering? No one can or should be explaining us to ourselves. My dad pulled that shit all the time, acting like he was some kind of omniscient all-seeing eye into my soul. He "read my mind" and "knew me better than I knew myself." Well he should because he groomed me. He always had an offense for my defense, a retort or insult for me. He could "see inside me to my evil intentions I had no idea of." He was ordained by God to "ferret out" my sin and chastise me for my own good. Yet he never once comforted me. Ever.

Fuck. That. Noise. Jack. No more living rent-free in my head with all your God-playing pretenses. There is a God, I'm pretty sure. Though the one I've only known bears a strong resemblance to my narcissist parents. Well, your time is coming. Scripture tells us in 1 Timothy 5:8: "But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel". Any father who deprives, exploits, neglects and harms his child for his own selfish ends better beware. Just saying. 

As for these blind guides, we traumatized kids need to do a lot more vetting of anyone who would explain us to ourselves. 

In the picture, those clothes I'm wearing are rag bag specials while my dad and his wife lavished on themselves. He bought me one pair of shoes in my life. Everything else I had to pay for myself. And the house I lived in was theirs and I was only allowed to stay if I "did my share" which was actually pretty much all the housework, laundry, childcare etc.