Are narcissists just nuts? Key differences between mental health delusions vs. Narcissistic delusional behavioral

Hello my friends! Today on my path to healing childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm exploring whether narcissists are just nuts and as delusional as their behavior suggests of if they gaslighting to hide their real motives. I'm making a case that it's agenda-based. It's taken me all my life to see my narcissistic duplicitousness, due to betrayal blindness and trauma bonding with enmeshed abusive parents. But now I see, I'll never unsee it again. 

Quick note on Trauma Bonding

Definition: A psychological attachment caused by a cycle of physical or emotional trauma followed by "bread crumbing" positive reinforcement. It is the "invisible glue" that makes leaving an abusive situation feel physically and emotionally impossible. Enmeshed, abusive narcissistic parents weaponize a child's natural trust and her trauma bonding to enslave her to them. Betrayal blindness makes the child unable to see the real problem.

How gaslighting makes victims defend persecutors

Perpetrators lie, gaslight, twist and deceive by nature. They DARVO (deny responsibility, attack victims and reverse victim and offender roles). Childhood trauma survivors are people pleasers who to want to make it all okay. Deceitful parents blame-shift onto us and we believe them because we can't wrap our heads around what kind of parent would do this. (No one can, BTW). So we go into cognitive dissonance which allows them to continue in the fantasy that they are parents, without getting any repercussion from their bad behavior. We make excuses for our abusers. We deflect consequences of their mistreatment away from them and onto us. 

Delusional or gaslighting? Why it matters. 

One of the cognitive splits abused kids make, to survive, is to tell ourselves is that they don't mean it. Our parents can't help it. Other "blind guides" do this too. Society is great at gaslighting, protecting and making up excuses to cover parent abuse. It sucks at defending the child victims. It minimizes and sanitizes abuse by telling us that our parents are "delusional" like it's a disorder they can't help. Which of course, makes us feel even sorrier for them. It makes us overlook abuse because "oh poor parents, they can't help it." This is just one of  hundreds of BS mind games narcissists and society play with abuse victims. So here's my analysis of why narcissists aren't "crazy" they are just plain crazy-making mean. 

The Reality Gap

"Truly delusional people believe their delusions. Narcissists don't. They want YOU to believe them."

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One is a break from reality; the other is a calculated rewrite of reality designed to maintain control and avoid accountability.

Here's the breakdown of genuine mental health delusion and narcissistic "delusion." 

I'm calling the real mental health delusion MHD to differentiate between that and narcissistic delusion (ND). And quite simply put, I believe MHD is real (to them) while ND is feigned or played up. 

Same vs. Varied. So in the proverbial "delusions of persecution and grandeur" the clinically diagnosed delusion doesn't change depending on who's listening. The narcissist does. He puts on a show of being the wise caring preacher at church and at home he's just a loudmouth know-it-all. The mask drops as he enters the door. 

Genuine vs. performative. You know when talking to MHD that she really means it. Not so with ND. It feels like a sales pitch to get something from you. 

Vague vs. specific. MHD is a confused sense of misunderstanding. They make unclear statements.  Narcissists know exactly what they are doing and who they are targeting. And they make it clear. 

Hallucination vs. weaponized delusion. When I had Covid, I had fever delirium hallucinations, much like nightmares. This is much closer to a mental health cognitive break with reality. Narcissist' are weaponized to dehumanize and destabilize (as we'll discuss later). 

Generalized vs. personal.  MHD aren't personal. Delusional narcissistic behavior, however, singles out one person as their scapegoat and makes direct hits on their unique triggers. The narcissist isn't shooting blind. He knows just which buttons to push to get his narcissistic supply hit. 

Targets groups vs. Targets individuals. MHD believes groups are out to get them. Narcissists hone in on people THEY have it in for. 

Warning vs. attack.  MHD believes the government is out to get them.  They will actually warn you to be careful. ND is a direct attack AGAINST you. The narcissist is out to get you. 

Tinfoil Hat vs. Trojan Horse MHD quietly hides under his hat from invader cathode rays. The narcissist IS the invader exploiting trust to trample boundaries. 

***Frightened and unsettled vs. arrogant and haughty. This is how you know real from fake. People who really have delusions are terrified of them. Fake ones show by their self-righteous anger or narcissistic smirk that they control the narrative, it doesn't control them. 

Afraid vs. Angry MHD is terrifying and so people with MHD are terrified. Narcissists are angry with others and also aloof to their pain. (That they usually have caused). 

Benign vs. Malicious  MHD intends no harm. In fact, he's often trying to help you stay safe from perceived threats. Like John Nash in "A Beautiful Mind." Narcissists don't help anyone but themselves and usually at someone else's expense. 

They look weird vs They make you look weird. MHD doesn't care if he looks odd. He may not even realize it. Narcissists do gaslighting things to make you look and feel crazy. Compare John Nash to Gregory Anton (aka Sergis Bauer) in "Gaslight." He maintained a suave, unruffled charm (signature of narcissists) while systematically driving his wife mad. 

Scared for your safety vs. "scared for your sanity." All Nash's "crazy" was to protect people.  Anton never even took Paula seriously like you would even if you weren't the agent provocateur. His fake solicitous "concern" was geared to make Paula look like she was losing her mind. A truly concerned person would at least admit she may be right and verify facts. 

Delusion vs. Manufactured illusion. MHD is worried about what seems to him actual things. The narcissist is only concerned about himself, how he appears. Nash was gentlemanly while Anton projected an image of debonair gentleman. 

Transparent vs. strategized. MHD doesn't care who believes them. They believe in themselves. You must always validate a narcissist. Not only is he always right, you must admit he is. 

Random vs. goal-oriented. Real delusions happen by chance. A narcissist sets out to craft a false reality to suit his purposes. Anton has a clear motive in getting Paula committed.  

Neutral vs. win-lose. MHD has no bias. Narcissistic delusions reveal themselves in their curious way they paint the narcissist as winning and you as losing. 

Inconvenient vs. convenient. No one wants intrusive delusional thoughts. Whereas a narcissist conveniently uses his to DARVO, blame-shift and draw attention from his nefarious acts. 

***Implausible vs. plausible. Another crucial difference is that real delusions are hard to believe. You know the person is not Napoleon nor a tomato. Whereas narcissistic accusations could be true. You might have mislaid the brooch. You could be imaging that the lights flicker. But why would you? And why would he say you did? This is a crucial "logic check" that helps break through the fog of gaslighting. 

The Agenda Audit

"The narcissist's accusations may appear believable until you consider each person’s agenda. The accused often has no reason to do what is being claimed—it would actually be counterintuitive."

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While the accusation might seem plausible on the surface, you will always find hidden motives or a history of contradictory or self-serving behavior behind the narcissist’s finger-pointing.

Pointless vs. Pointed. MHD has no objective. Narcissists pointedly make backhanded accusations against you that mirror his own behavior. He accuses you of what he does. 

Implicates no one vs. implicates self MH delusions never prove to amount to anything. They reveal only in generalizations. No one is ever proved in anything. Whereas  narcissists tell on themselves in their carefully constructed story. Self-serving is self-revealing. 

Timeless vs. timed

The "Why Now?" Factor

Narcissistic accusations are rarely random. They are coordinated and timed to surface at high-stakes moments:

• When the narcissist is about to be caught.
• When they need a sudden deflection from their own behavior.
• When they want to lower your status to maintain total control.

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It isn't a lapse in sanity; it is a tactical strike.

Helpless vs. controlled. Instead of being the out-of-control, diffuse delusions of a mental health crisis,  Narcissists' ramblings seem oddly specific versions of reality. Their believability as a way to throw suspicion off themselves. So they are confused and confusing by design. 

Authentic vs. deviously spiteful and underhanded. There is something very unsettling about the weird things narcissists say. It's not your garden variety word salad. It has a bitter bite where regular nonsense is just nonsensical without being hurtful. 

Overt and obvious vs. covert reactive backlash. A picture is beginning to form that shows normal delusions as transparent and out in the open. And narcissistic nonsense is sneaky. Narcissists needle and goad yet overreact to non-provocation.  They see narcissistic injury everywhere and then retaliate for imagined insults. Their paranoia makes them appear so delusional and vulnerable.  But it's all for narcissistic supply. Don't be fooled. 

Nothing to hide vs. everything to hide. They're very good at mimicking vulnerability for attention, but it's just self-pity. Because narcissists are always covering something. They are secretive, scheming and disingenuous. They hide their fragile easily-bruised egos under bravado. They hide cowardice with bullying. 

Non-threatening vs. Destabilizing The impacts of this aren't their little kooky games but how they make us as their target feel. Real delusions threaten no one because we know they aren't real. But narcissistic fake delusions are dangerously real and really dangerous. They are vicious, manipulative and exploitative. Narcissists recruit "flying monkeys", start smear campaigns, and ruin people. All by getting folks to believe their lies. 

Some light for us coerced into playing their dark games

• Fumigate the gaslighting by shutting off the gas. I often say that victims of narcissists are as much gassed as gaslit. Our brains have been damaged from them fiddling with the stove knobs. So we're going to get out of the gas-filled house for some fresh air. 
• Throw away the narcissist's "Head Game Chess" pieces and smash the board. A friend of mine actually got so upset that he was losing that he put the gameboard in the wood chipper. Which bizarre as that is, gives me great pleasure to visual doing with this one too. 
• Plant a seed to commemorate that now that we know, we know. Now that we are onto them, we can never not see their machinations. 

Heartbreaking facts childhood trauma survivors of narcissistic parents must face

 

Hello my friends. Today on the path to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I had to face some very heartbreaking facts. This is a painful post and may triggering as all my posts on child abuse and neglect are. I write them to help myself and anyone who has suffered at the hands of enmeshed narcissist parents. You are welcome to join me in this bumpy road and I thank you for your company. 

The Reality of the "Normal" Facade: The idea of "loving parents" was just cardboard cutouts, not real. A poisoned tree hides best in a forest of similar-looking trees. Living next door to normal families didn't make our experience normal.

"Loving parents" was a mirage

The idea that children of narcissists have family and parents is smokescreen to cover up abuse and neglect. It hides in plain sight, behind closed doors and curtained windows, in churches, larger extended families and normal neighborhoods. Because where do you hide a poisoned tree? In a forest of similar-looking trees. The facade was that we were normal children because we lived next door to normal kids. But childhood trauma survivors have about as much in common with nurtured kids as peasant with a king. 

Societal Gaslighting: Society is often quick to minimize parental abuse and blame the child for "damaging a reputation." Choosing No Contact is a valid response to a lifetime of hidden neglect and exploitation.

We were and are being gaslit by society

It angers me how quick society-the church, the community, psychology, medicine, law-- is to excuse, euphemize and minimize parental abuse. And how ready they are to blame the child for making it up, showing off, attention-seeking, misunderstanding, damaging her parents' reputation. Just by saying what happened. Or just going no contact with them. Very often childhood survivors have never spoken up. We  hid their shameful behavior as if it was ours. Because on some level we knew all we'd get was societal gaslighting. Everyone, it seems to the child, seems bent on explaining away neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, parentification, dehumanizing, cruelty, bullying, scapegoating, blackballing the child. 

Service vs. Love: We were not loved; we were utile. We were used as narcissistic supply and forced into "parentification" to care for parents who chose to remain entitled and needy.

Our narcissistic parents never loved us; they used us . 

Nor did they like us. We were utile. We served their purpose. They used us for narcissistic supply, as servants, to get what they wanted, to care for them, to be their parents so they could be spoiled, selfish brats. We were a necessary nuisance. They "needed" us to do for them because they were too lazy, entitled and needy-wanty to do for themselves. 

We annoy our narcissistic parents just by being.

Enmeshed parents get stuck in their own sticky web. They trapped and shackled us to them, to serve them. And we did succeed at caring for them like our children, too well. So they got what they wanted and yet were never satisfied. And that came back to bite us. Our ability to nurture them and their failure to nurture us enrages them. They are stuck in their own weaponized loop of indolence, impotence and dependence. They taught us that we owed all to them and they owed nothing to us. But it annoys the hell out them that to be in our debt. 

The Exit Sign: Accepting that they will never change is the way out. It frees us from the FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt). Knowledge is the power that paves the road to recovery.

And the worst and yet most helpful realization...

It never will be any different. They won't change. They are too entrenched. Even if they did have some miraculous 11th hour epiphany it wouldn't matter. They began as they meant to continue, using and abusing us. They went on doing it and the only reason they would ever stop is if they got sick of it. It would always, ever be about what worked for them. Narcissistic parents have created a bulletproof shell of self around themselves that nothing penetrates. They take it to their graves. We their scapegoat children never going to be anything but a source of narcissistic supply. 

And that is helpful to us because...

It is our exit sign. Knowledge, though painful, is power. Radical acceptance of the facts that these people never loved us, gaslit us, used us, took advantage of us, is our way out. It frees us from FOG of fear, obligation and guilt they gaslit us with, that was never ours. These cold hard facts are paving stones to recovery. It's our epiphany. And I think, speaking for myself, I always knew. And it is a relief to let go of my own illusions of being loved and move into the light of my now genuine loving relationship. 

Homework for today

Sing along with Elsa, "let it go." Let go the hope, dreams, fantasies and most importantly the false notion of obligation to them. We owe them nothing. We never did. Now we know that. 

Today’s Reflection: "Let go of the false notion of obligation. You owe them nothing. You never did."

How I lost 100 pounds feeding childhood trauma and starving abusive parents

Hello my friends. I began this blog to share how I lost 100 pounds without GLP-1 drugs or weight loss surgery. And then it morphed into my space to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic  parent abuse. For a long time, I thought these were two separate battles. I now realize they are the same war. Today, I’m sharing how I lost 100 pounds by finally feeding the right person: my inner child and "starving out" the ones who started this war in the first place. 

Stop feeding abusive parents their narcissistic supply  

It's no exaggerations to say that my enmeshed narcissistic parents thrived on abusing, neglecting, endangering abandoning, exploiting, parentifying, invalidating, scapegoating and gaslighting me. A major source of my parents' narcissistic supply came from or through me. So a big source of my childhood trauma was from  "feeding" them. By going no contact with them, I'm cutting off  their narcissistic supply at the source. What does that have to do with how I lost 100 pounds? I basically lost my inner child. 

Reverse role-reversal 

In their enmeshed role-reversal game of parentification, I became my narcissistic parents' caregiver. All four of them, both bio and step-parents. They literally lived off me, in all the parental roles I filled for them. But there's only room for the narcissist at the dinner table. They hog all the resources and leave the scapegoat child only crumbs. I was starved of basic care, taught that self-care was selfish, and made to care only for them with no thought for myself. I got overweight from food deprivation. And the stress of having to tend to parents, like children.  My body clung to pounds for dear life because it didn't know when or if food would be available. So I'm working to reverse this role-reversal they gaslit me into playing. 

Change parent-embedded self image

As a result of all their chaos, weight was always a problem. My mom let the doctor to put me on a 1,000 calorie a day diet at 8 because I weighed 100 pounds (I don't think I look that overweight in the picture below). And I was also sick all the time with tonsilitis. And the doctor's only solution was the diet and to keep me on penicillin for months on end. Antibiotics, as studies have shown can cause significant weight gain in childhood. See AI's discussion on that at the end of this article. So I missed 40 days of school in one year and finally had my tonsils out. But mother didn't follow up or notice I wasn't eating until I had starved for three weeks. I lost 12 pounds in those 21 days. Picture below is prior to that weight loss. 

But I always felt fat

 

Replace people-pleasing with self-care

So you may still be asking, again what does this have to do with how I lost 100 pounds. When you are constantly in fawn trauma response mode, people pleasing at your own expense is all you know. You don't eat, sleep or live healthy. You develop very unhealthy relationships with food. You are always hungry and also too tired to eat.  With no parent making sure you eat right, you often do without. Or end up scrounging and eating whatever junk you can find to fill the gap. You eat too much when you can because mostly you eat too little. You crave sugar because you don't get enough good food and your brain is starved for it. 

And still I saw myself as fat.

So now it's time to...

Feed my hungry inner child

When my narcissistic parents moved us to Alaska on a whim, and then went and did their own thing leaving me on my own, I sometimes stole food. We flopped at various strangers' homes. Neither of my parents provided for me. I would sneak into the kitchen and make myself a brown sugar sandwich for breakfast because that was all there was to eat. I never got the message that parents cared for kids, not the other way around. Then they divorced and married new narcissists for me to care for. None of them provided anything like proper care for me. I was kicked out periodically, made to live off strangers. I was cold, exhausted, sick and hungry a lot from malnourishment and neglect. If someone demanded what I had, I was made to give it and do without. That younger me now needs warmth, rest, comfort and nourishment for her mind, heart, body and soul. She needs to know someone cares for her, if her narcissistic parents don't. 

But I still thought I was fat. 

Starve their selfishness 

Being destabilized so much taught me no self-care skills. It was mostly just about survival. With my parents, food was scarce but only for me. My dad bought himself treats every day and his obese wife (who ate herself to death) spent all the grocery money on her expensive diet food and cigarettes. Then they started selling (or should I say buying) Shaklee and I was fed vitamins and a daily Energy Bar.  As a teen living on my own and even a young adult, I ate as cheaply as possible. I bought low quality junk because I was taught that eating right was selfish. I gained and also lost weight from this weird dysfunctional dynamic. Ironically you gain weight when you are malnourished because your body stores fat.  When I went away to college, I lived on ramen noodles because they were all I could afford. I dropped to 108 pounds on what was basically my own self-starvation diet. 

And yes, I still saw myself fat. 

Because narcissistic abuse, really took a toll on my emotional and physical health and I still suffer from their stupid selfish chaos. So now I'm starving that out by feeding myself. 

Eat to lose weight and childhood trauma

For the brief time I lived with my grandparents, after high school, they fed me properly. For the first time in my life, food and meal times were consistent. Someone cooked for me! I actually lost weight with no calorie counting, carb or portion control, just good food prepared with love. Grampa even packed my lunch with braunschweiger sandwiches and a Little Debbie oatmeal cream pie! And still, I was at my healthiest weight, about 124 pounds. Because you have to eat and eat right to lose weight.

"The consistency and love behind those meals regulated my nervous system, which is often why the body finally feels safe enough to let go of weight."

Eat comfort foods to lose weight and trauma

Weight loss is about comfort eating of comfort food as much or more than calorie restricting. Not the junk food, necessarily, that we're told is comfort food. But there's a place for a bit of junk food, if only just to avoid food deprivation mode binging. It all relates back to childhood trauma, because healing childhood that needs comfort too. My inner child requires provision, now for the things she was deprived of. And things she suffered as a result. Abuse and neglect in childhood lost me a stillborn daughter and gained me massive anxiety, panic attacks, depression. And the antidepressants (namely Paxil) lost me another baby and gained me obesity. Paxil took out my limit switches and ability to think clearly. I wasn't comfort eating, I was overeating without even knowing it. Nothing brought me comfort, just more pain and weight gain. 

And by then, I really was fat. 

Losing weight meant losing the antidepressant and depression. 

A major part of how I lost 100 pounds was by cutting a lot more than calories. Namely, I had to lose not only the Paxil, but the source of my depression, anxiety, stress which in four words were my narcissistic parents. So despite a doctor warning me that I should wean off with another antidepressant, I just took the plunge. And it was easy, but

the last part, not so much. I am working to erase their old gaslighting messages and rewrite healthy new ones. I'm eating warm, satisfying, nourishing comfort foods I enjoy. I'm loving and serving my now loved ones because I want to not because I have to. 

AI Discussion on how Antibiotics Impact Weight

Researchers have identified several "obesogenic" mechanisms that occur when the gut is disrupted by antibiotics:

• Increased Energy Harvesting: A disrupted microbiome can become "hyper-efficient" at extracting calories. For example, your body might normally digest 250 calories from a 300-calorie snack, but an antibiotic-altered microbiome might harvest 280 calories from that same snack, storing the extra as fat.

• Metabolic Slowdown: Beneficial gut bacteria produce short-chain fatty acids (SCFAs) that help regulate metabolism and appetite. When these bacteria are killed off, your "metabolic set point" can shift, leading to slower energy expenditure.

• Hormonal Disruption: Antibiotics can interfere with the signals between your gut and your liver, specifically affecting how your body processes fats and cholesterol.

• Chronic Low-Grade Inflammation: The loss of protective bacteria can weaken the intestinal barrier, allowing inflammatory molecules to enter your system. This "metainflammation" is a known driver of insulin resistance and fat accumulation.

The "Early Life" Connection

The impact is often most significant when antibiotics are used frequently during infancy or adolescence. Studies have shown that children exposed to multiple courses of antibiotics before age two often have a higher Body Mass Index (BMI) later in childhood. This is because early childhood is a "critical window" for the development of a healthy, stable metabolism. 

The Cumulative Impact (Ages 2–10)

While early exposure (under age 2) sets the metabolic stage, frequent use during the preadolescent years continues to compound the risk:

• The "Dose-Response" Effect: Large-scale studies, including data from Epic Research, show that children receiving 5–9 courses before age 5 are 7% more likely to be obese by age 6. Those with 10 or more courses see that risk jump to 14%.

• Broad-Spectrum Risks: The risk is significantly higher with broad-spectrum antibiotics (like macrolides or cephalosporins) compared to narrow-spectrum ones (like simple penicillin). Broad-spectrum drugs act like a "scorched earth" policy in the gut, wiping out a much wider variety of protective bacteria.

• Slow Recovery Time: Research indicates that the gut microbiome can take up to 24 months to fully recover from a single course of broad-spectrum antibiotics. If a child is prescribed antibiotics annually (or more) for ear infections or strep throat, their gut stays in a permanent state of disruption throughout their entire childhood.

Biological Mechanisms in Older Children

In preadolescent children, the mechanisms for weight gain shift from "metabolic programming" to active energy harvesting and inflammation:

1. Hyper-Efficient Calorie Harvesting: A disrupted microbiome becomes overly efficient at breaking down complex carbohydrates that would normally pass through the system. This can lead to an extra 30–50 calories absorbed per day—which sounds small, but adds up to several pounds of fat per year.

2. Metabolic Endotoxemia: Antibiotics often reduce Bifidobacteria, which protect the gut lining. Without them, the gut becomes "leaky," allowing lipopolysaccharides (LPS) to enter the bloodstream. This triggers low-grade chronic inflammation, a major driver of insulin resistance and weight gain even in children.

3. Hormonal "Famine" Signals: The gut produces hormones like ghrelin (hunger) and leptin (fullness). When the microbiome is wiped out, these signals can get crossed, leaving a child feeling perpetually "starved" even if they are eating enough, leading to the "scrounging" or sugar cravings you mentioned in your post.

The "Safe" Threshold

Interestingly, the research suggests that limited exposure (1–4 courses total before age 5) is not significantly linked to obesity. The risk becomes pronounced only when the use is frequent and recurrent, which was often the case in the 1970s and 80s when antibiotics were used as a "catch-all" for viral symptoms or chronic tonsillitis.

Given your history with tonsillitis and months-long penicillin courses, your body was likely dealing with a "continuously disrupted state" rather than a one-time event, which physically reinforced the "starvation mode" your environment was already creating.

(note from Mar: so my childhood obesity was likely the combination of overly restrictive calorie counting, plus overuse of antibiotics, plus frequent illness.)

And here's what AI had to say about other parts of this article.

Wait, didn't you mention Shaklee and Paxil?

In the context of your earlier notes about your journey:

• Shaklee/Vitamins: While Shaklee supplements themselves aren't antibiotics, the specific "diet culture" of the 70s often focused on restriction, which (as you noted) can put the body into a "starvation mode" that mimics the metabolic stress of a disrupted microbiome.

• Antidepressants (Paxil): You mentioned Paxil caused significant weight gain for you. Interestingly, some research suggests that the weight gain associated with certain antidepressants may also be linked to how those drugs interact with gut bacteria, similar to the way antibiotics do.

The Good News: This metabolic shift isn't necessarily permanent. Restoring gut health through consistent, nourishing meals—much like the ones your grandfather provided—is one of the most effective ways to tell your nervous system and your metabolism that it is finally "safe" to let go of the weight.

Beware of hypocritical gaslighting and toxic shaming cloaked as Godly Advice

Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm issuing warnings to beware of hypocritical gaslighting and toxic shaming cloaked as Godly advice. Or to put it simply, nonsense narcissists and blind guides say that sounds helpful but is not. 

🚩 Hypocrisy Alert: The Speck & The Plank

"When someone yells 'Calm Down' while they are the one riled up, they aren't offering advice—they are shifting blame. Before you accept their 'speck' management, check for the board in their own eye."

Calm down. This one is so not helpful when you are already calm, let alone when you are upset. It's patronizing and smugly condescending. And bass-ackwards blame-shifting because often the person telling you to calm down is actually the one who is all riled up. Blind guides say it like it's wise and Godly but Jesus says to fix the board in your own eye before micromanaging the speck in someone else's. Translation: do you. Ya want calm, be calm. 

A soft answer turns away wrath. Mmm, sometimes. But it can also incite it. More often an entitled arrogant narcissist just sees gentleness as weakness and exploits it. And no, kindness never deflects rudeness in a narcissist. It eggs them on because they feel they got one over on you. Or they feel narcissistic injury contrasting their nasty with your goodness. And it goes both ways. One partner should not be the gentle one while the other is always angry. That gets old quick. 

Turn the other cheek. Again, for the reasons outlined above, this makes things worse in relationships with narcissists who just strike you again. Especially narcissistic parents who feel even more entitled to abuse already traumatized kids who roll over for it. Turning the other cheek is often a trauma response called fawning. And it never applies to children. Though narcissistic parents gaslight children that it only applies to children, never abusive parents who have never turned the other cheek. 

Get over it. Let it go. Rise above. Such sweet sounding advice yet so bitter saccharine in reality. I guarantee you that anyone pratting this iffy advice hasn't gotten over, let go or risen above one "injury" in their life. They clutch at wrongs done to them and nurture grudges like houseplants. 

🕵️‍♂️ Spotting the "Grudge Gardener"

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Beware the person who preaches "Forgive and Forget" but nurtures their own grievances like prize-winning houseplants. If their mercy is a one-way street, it’s not a virtue—it’s a control tactic.

(Pause for laugh--take a good look at this image Google AI made for me. I cried with laughter over the "wrong reply all" and the "joke about my tie.") 

Bite your tongue. Isn't it funny how people dole out advice are so poor at following it? They who've just ranted to you about some injustice, suddenly get all holier-than-thou if you share something. Where I aim to practice biting my tongue is on giving unsolicited advice. Further, keeping silent in the face of narcissistic rage, only begets more rage. And further still, it's a two-way street. The silent one can't stay that way forever. She needs respect when it's her turn to crack as humans inevitably do.   

Forgive and Forget. Sounds good in theory. Sadly the folks preaching mercy, preach it for themselves. I was always told I had to forgive them though they aren't sorry and have never changed. While they are the most merciless, long-memory-ed elephants you could meet. 

Don't let the sun go down on your wrath. Another sounds great on paper idea. And often one that's "more honored in the breach than the observance." Or it's one-sided. One person is always doing the giving in and getting over, while the other keeps nursing his grievances. 

Don't sulk, pout etc. My narcissistic parents loved to tell me this when they had done something to upset me. They'd gotten their narcissistic supply out of seeing me hurt. And now got a double dip gaslighting me that I was the one in the wrong. They love the "honor your parents" bit and ignore the "don't lead your children to anger." And I wouldn't know how to sulk or pout, that being very dangerous. More likely I was trauma responding. 

The Bible says...(insert unsolicited advice). I'm really cautious about spouting Bible adages at people to start with. It comes across as smug and supercilious. They can read. They don't need me pontificating at them especially when they are vulnerable. As usually they are when, ironically, this "helpful" advice is trotted out. If someone shares a personal struggle, I feel privileged to be trusted with it. I may not be able to fix it but I can care. And I should never exploit it to make myself feel bigger. 

Never tire of doing good. Oh but you do when you are the only one expected to. Again with this very finger-pointy advice, the finger pointer forgets four more are pointed back at her. The problem is, what she's saying is "you should never tire."  Yet holds herself exempt from Biblical commands. Which brings me to the conclusion of...

The double-edged dilemma

I think the biggest hypocrisy with all this advice is that they are usually one sided. The preacher and the penitent. Yet they are knives that cut two ways. They are taught best with deeds than with words. The person preaching it should be very careful to do what he says, first, and not just to "set an example." All too often, especially with narcissists, there's an unspoken contract involved. They did one good thing, now you're bound to endless obligations in return.  But we are told to do good just because. Boy did my parents love to quote that at me. Serve with no thought of reward was the burden they bound me to. And yet they did just the opposite. They neglected my basic needs including the proverbial "roof over my head." They gaslit me that they were not obligated to me in anyway. And yet I was obligated endlessly to their service.  

All of these are two sides of the same coin. Reciprocity matters. If a husband is veering into anger and his wife responds kindly, he owes her the same courtesy. We don't give JUST to get but yet it is transactional.  What goes around comes around. You don't keep paying on a car you can never drive away. All these only work if everyone in the equation works them. If only one is, she just keeps on being the "broken vending child" she was always made to be. But that was then and this is now. Now we have strategies. 

🚀 Tactical Exit: Get Out of Dodge

When reciprocity fails and the "Godly advice" becomes a weapon, your only winning move is distance.

• Disengage: Don't feed the "Supply Tank."
• Detach: Your peace is not up for negotiation.
• Depart: Physically or emotionally move to a safe harbor.

Proactive Ways to navigate narcissistic rage (you'll hate number 5)

 

Hello my friends! I just did my therapy post in my lesson plans blog and now feel recharged enough to address ways to navigate narcissistic rage. I lived all my life with narcissistic parents (four, count them!). Most of what I learned from that was counterproductive for me. You know, the old trauma responses of freeze, fawn, fix, fight, flight. It kept me alive and that's about it. So now as an adult childhood trauma survivor, I have carryover trauma responses that don't fit at all in the real world and especially not with narcissistic behavior now. Here are some proactive ways to deal with narcissists and you'll hate number 5.  Sorry. 

Proact vs. React

This is probably the most important one. When I react, I let them call the shots. The term means "acting in response to" another's actions. Kind of tit for tat. Now granted the narcissist's behavior is a cause and my response is an effect. I wouldn't react if he didn't attack or provoke. And therein lies the rub: erecting sturdy enough boundaries that when Mr. Narcissist comes gate crashing, my defenses are sound. I'm ready for him. I couldn't do this as a child and didn't even know I could. And my enmeshed narcissistic parents played on this for all it was worth. But now I can...

Build low strong walls

Build barricades strong enough to withstand and not be breached but low enough to see narcissistic abuse coming. You know, like a Dutch door. But no one wants to live in a walled off ghetto. So I've had to kind of built walls around my mind to secure it from narcissistic rage, word salad, DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender), blame-shifting and other dirty mind games narcissists play. I'm working to create mental and emotional force fields around my sanity and deflector shields against narcissists' gaslighting. 

Make a latex suit of armor

Now as weird as this sounds, hear me out. The old saying "I'm rubber and you're glue. Whatever you throw bounces off me and stick to you" is my mantra. They've had a narcissistic injury but it's not my fault. It's not about me, it's about their fragile ego. I didn't cause it, can't fix or cure it. It's not my responsibility. I couldn't say this as a kid. Narcissistic parent abuse surrounded me in a gaslighting FOG of fear, obligation and guilt. And it is difficult to shake off their flying monkey voices in my head. But "one day at a time." 

Fake it till you make it

I love this line from Alanon. It goes with "practice makes better." When those old people-pleasing fawn trauma responses kick in, I pretend I can't hear them. When Ms. Fix-it is triggered by narcissistic rage, into complying and giving them what they want, I bite my tongue and grey rock. It's hard because damn they're so antagonistically sure of their own self-righteousness. I get exhausted and confused listening to their barrage of word salad. So I'm learning to just take a deep breath and remember that this too shall pass. 

When all else fails

Here comes the one you'll hate. So you've done your due diligence. You responded proactively instead of reactively. Check. You set and guarded your boundaries. Check. You donned your rubber HAZMAT suit. Check. You stood firm. Check. 

And still the narcissist rages on

Yep, that's pretty much their trajectory.  There is no winning. There is no breaking even. There's just their shit and you shoved in it.  They will pick, and poke and prod and pry until you holler "Uncle!" And then they maliciously shame you for cracking under pressure that would bust the Hoover Dam. They do love them some high horse! It ain't over till they say it's over. Usually when they have spent their energy like a storm. Then they are all smiles cause they got their narcissistic supply tanks filled. Don't ask me how or why. It's mental. 

So what do you do? Get the actual out of Dodge. This is especially important if children are involved. God, how many times I stayed and kept my kids in the eye of the hurricane when I should have taken them to the library. And if you can't, like I, in my defense often couldn't, stay out of the storm. Tell the kids to just let Daddy be. Tell them it's not their fault he's making bad choices. Lay low. Grey Rock. Be monosyllabic. Don't make eye contact (you won't like what you see). Now's not the time for conversations. Just keep doing what you're doing. Basically, ignore their little temper tantrums till they tire. Then let them sleep it off, like a drunk. 

And when the storm clears

Go back to steps 1-4. Don't grovel or fawn or welcome him back with open arms. Don't pretend it didn't happen. It did. Do Not Apologize for stuff you didn't do. That's just IBLP Bill Gothard hogwash. Don't be prickly or sullen. Don't give the cold shoulder. Just keep paddling. If he apologizes, you can accept it but you don't have to. And you don't have to say if you do or don't. You don't owe him reconciliation because you have nothing to reconcile. That's his job. 

If he wants to talk, you can choose to or not. But if the narcissistic word salad and DARVO starts, halt the conversation. It will just spiral downward. If this is a situational narcissist, you can probably have that conversation now about how abusive his behavior is. If he listens, proceed. If he's still defensive and aggressive, stop. Don't get dragged into narcissistic rage fests. 

Awkward Childhood trauma responses from narcissistic parent abuse makes us vulnerable to more abuse

Hello my friends. Recovering from childhood trauma caused by narcissistic parent abuse, I'm learning a lot about myself and why I do what I do. I see how so much if not all of what I do is childhood trauma response conditioned by abuse and neglect. Recently I wrote how what looks like performative attention-seeking is hypervigilance to endless parent expectations. Today I'm looking at the vicious circle of abuse, trauma response and more abuse. Here are odd and awkward childhood trauma responses that enmeshed parents bred in us, which make us vulnerable to more abuse. We were prepared us to expect abuse. We are trapped in an endless loop of abuse, FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), self-blame, shame, trauma responses and then more abuse. 

💸 Trauma Cost: "Pretzeling" 🪙

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We bend and twist ourselves into strange unhealthy positions to meet the "needs" of others—arrogant demands we were gaslit into believing were our responsibility.

"Pretzeling"

This odd behavior resembles metaphorically those circus contortionists. It's what childhood trauma victims do to both stay small and out of the way BUT ALSO activated to be of service. We reconfigure ourselves painfully into whatever they need us to be. Well, I say needs but they are more often just arrogant demands we were told we owed our narcissistic parents. My spine is a twisted mess from Cinderella-like fawn trauma responses and parentification to care for enmeshed, narcissistic parents and children at my own expense. And boy do narcissists exploit this handy feature of ours! They love having human pretzels always at their beck and call. 

🪙 The Backward Crab Shuffle

"It’s pretty hard to watch what you are doing when someone has disabled your protective mirrors and backup cam. It is literally destabilizing."

Backward crab shuffle

This the servile, bow and salaam we do placate implacable people. We "sir, yes, sir" and "no, ma'am" our way through life. It's a clumsy, dangerous move. I have fallen over things in my "backward crab shuffle" to avoid being in someone's way. No one ever cared if I got hurt. They'd just laugh and scorn my gracelessness. They tell me to watch what I was doing, but it's pretty hard to do that when someone has disabled your protective mirrors and backup cam. It's literally destabilizing. And it too is taken advantage of by pushy people who think they need the space you occupy more than you do. And yet childhood trauma survivors jump to accommodate anyone. It is a trigger switch for us. 

🪙

The "Self-check-out smile" is a jaw-clamp response to biting your tongue on years of chaos and neglect.

Self-check-out smile

That's what I call the weird trauma grimace I catch myself doing in security cameras or when I don't know I'm on camera. It's a pinched grimace childhood trauma response leftover from having to bite my tongue on abuse, chaos, stress, neglect, enmeshment, invalidation, endangerment, abandonment, parentification, triangulation and gaslighting by my narcissistic parents. It's painful to watch and to do. My jaw, cheeks and head ache from this DADT trauma response. 

Loud noises break me

I am the jumpiest person I know. As a child, I couldn't stand loud noises. I was terrified at birthday parties if we played balloon popping games. The other kids loved them while I cowered and hid. Even drums in the parade sent me out of my skin. Thunder and fireworks were a trauma nightmare. It's hard to explain, but it's not fear. It's a visceral feeling that you are going to explode. It lives deep in our core and triggers a "hit the dirt" trauma response that gets called "overreacting" or "too sensitive" by those who don't understand. I lived in Alaska as a child when they were testing the Concorde. I've shared how my parents were usually nowhere to be found. And oh, the horror when that plane would fly by. I dreaded it. I can still feel that sickening revulsion when just the name Concorde was mentioned. Then when I went an air fair with my kids, and the Stealth Bomber did a surprise fly-by, by kneejerk I went into the same panic mode. I pulled my kids to the ground. People were laughing. But it's no joke when childhood trauma has conditioned this shell shock. 

💰

Childhood trauma victims must always be prepared but are never told what to prepare for. We hurl ourselves into fixing other people's fires that we didn't start.

Broken fire alarm flight response

Our security systems were always breached by narcissistic parents who trampled boundaries like grapes in a winery. Childhood trauma victims must always be prepared but are never told what to prepare for.  We just hurl ourselves into doing whatever it is they told us to do. Even in my dreams, I'm always putting out other people's fires I didn't start. I'm fixing their user-created chaos. Endless gaslighting voices harangue me to do more, be more, give more, accept less, receive less. 

Always hypervigilant, never-prepared Boy Scout 

💰 The High Price of Hypervigilance

"Childhood trauma victims are little paratroopers always on jump but never trained or given proper equipment."

It's shocking and disgusting how unprepared we were to deal with all the impossible situations our narcissistic parents threw at us. Stuff they couldn't and wouldn't do. Stuff no one could do: all the household chores + cooking + childcare + child co-sleeping + school + homework plus anything else they didn't want to do. At 12 years old. I just hit the ground running each day, hungry, exhausted, improperly clothed and medically neglected. So I just carried this oddly subservient people-pleasing into adulthood and got myself re-traumatized as thanks for all my trouble.