What people with childhood trauma do and don't need from you

Hello my friends. So this post is written to people who do not have childhood trauma issues, who would like to help those of us who do. I'm going to explain from my own childhood trauma what we do and don't need from you. Because there is a LOT of confusion around childhood trauma because a lot of people are not trauma informed, which makes dealing with our CPTSD so much worse. 

Childhood trauma survivors don't need no education. Thank you Pink Floyd. We don' need thought control (gaslighting), no dark sarcasm (toxic shaming) required. We aren't idiots, we are injured. We don't need indoctrination into your pet dogma. Good God, we got enough narcissistic cult indoctrination from our narcissistic parents. We don't need your shame-splaining or any other kind of explaining. We need you to hear us. 

Childhood trauma survivors need affirmation, not advice. It's ludicrously foolish how people with no idea or experience with childhood trauma, yours or their own, will pedantically preach  to those of us who do. Why would you think you have the ability, much less the right, to advise on what you do not know. You're what the Bible calls speaking from ignorance. You don't understand because you were not there. So stop pretending you have some insider knowledge that we need to hear. 

Childhood trauma survivors need autonomy not autocrats. All our lives we've been told what to do by people with a vested interest in keeping us subservient. And it's killing us. So, no directors, bosses, supervisors, comptrollers nor chief whatevers need apply. It's time for us to live in an autonomous collective not an oligarchy. 

Childhood trauma survivors need salving, not saving. We need balm for our wounds and comfort such as the Good Samaritan provided. We don't need Pharisees proselytizing, pontificating or an altar call from blind guides. We don't need to go to your church and hear your preacher. The last thing we need is another ignorant, arrogant person putting his spin on our truth. 

Childhood trauma survivors don't need you to tell us "how it is." We need you to hear how it was for us. We don't need you of all people, translating for us, telling us how we really think and feel. We don't need you putting our experiences in your own words. We don't need you putting words in our mouths. You don't get to have a say on our lives. Hands off my truth and my life, get your own. If you can't just love me, then get thee behind me. 

Childhood trauma survivors need encouragement, not exhortation. I am sick to death of this wrong-headed practice, preached from the pulpit, about calling other people to repentance. God, the arrogance and hypocrisy in that! We don't need to be told what we are doing wrong. Especially not by people who are doing the very things they preach against! Save your finger wagging for the narcissists but be careful. Because even against narcissists, the one finger you point means four more pointing back at you. Which  makes sense because hypocrites very often are narcissists and narcissists are always hypocrites. 

Childhood trauma survivors need to be held by people who hold space for us. We don't to be held accountable, held to inappropriate expectations and selfish demands of others. We got that all our lives and that's why we're in the mess we're in and why we need people to hold space for us, till we can hold it for ourselves. 

Childhood trauma survivors need caring, not controlling. FFS, what do you think we've lived with all our lives BUT coercive control by our narcissistic parents? Have you been listening or just thinking up what you're going to say next? Stop trying to divert or direct us. Anyone who would presume to dictate terms, shows that they are power hungry control freaks. 

Childhood trauma survivors need acceptance, not agenda. We need helpers not heroes. And I'm not even sure we need helpers. Definitely not the patronizing, condescending kind. All too often, for whatever reason, when someone hears I was mistreated as a kid, it becomes their goal to "reach me" Like I'm some kind of Lost Boy. We aren't problem children that need discipline, direction, taking in hand. We aren't your project. Take your do-gooder missionary work elsewhere.

Childhood trauma survivors need neither validation nor invalidation. We require neither your imprimatur nor your Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval. We're not asking for permission. We would like your validation but we don't need it to proceed with getting healthy. 

Childhood trauma survivors need to be seen not sorted. So often people at childhood trauma like it's something the child brought on herself. It is galling and gaslighting. WE DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS. But that is exactly what our parents taught us. I just wanted to be loved as a child should be. And yet, we are dogged into adulthood by this pernicious notion that we have some lesson to learn from abuse. All I learned was to keep dancing attendance on narcissistic parents. 

Childhood trauma survivors need perpetrators identified, not abuse perpetuated.  It just boggles my mind that this even needs to be said. And yet, so often, the would-be help just makes it worse. Such as the aforementioned comments that tell me off, scold and shame me for my own good. How is that good for me??? Bloody hell, Harry, that's what my narcissistic parents said! That's what I'm trying to heal from! I don't need calling out, they do! It's time somebody said enough. 

Childhood trauma survivors need listeners, not tellers. That's all it takes, to get childhood trauma from an outsider perspective. Hearing and listening, not deafening yourself. Seeing, not blinding. Acknowledging, accepting and believing, not gaslighting ignorance and stubborn refusal to admit what's in front of your eyes. We don't need to you to paraphrase, define, translate for us. That's just more gaslighting. And if that's all you have, move along. 

Childhood trauma survivors need healing, not helping. We don't need problem-solvers, saviors, fixers, Maytag repairmen, rescuers. We can usually discover what we  need on our own. So long as someone isn't derailing, scolding, criticizing or fault-finding our every move. Having said that, there are people who help in healthy ways, such as YouTube's Dr. Ramani, Jerry Wise, Danish Bashir, Patrick Teahan, Dr. Les Carter and Kris Reece. These folks help by holding space, encouraging, informing in non-directive respectful ways. 

Childhood trauma survivors need good judgement, not judgementalism. And the wise judgement comes from within, from following personal truth, inner wisdom and common sense. It comes from  listening to rational, reasonable, well-intentioned speakers, not the self-driven, selfish motives of blind guides.  We don't need judges, juries, hecklers, trolls, etc. And don't worry, you'll know the difference by the love you feel in the one and the harm from the other. 

Childhood trauma survivors need friends, not flying monkeys. If all you're going to do is defend my narcissistically abusive parents, then hit the road. All I ever heard from anyone was support of them. I've heard enough scolding about what I owe them, their my parents, yada yada to last a lifetime. You wanna support them, be my guest. But don't say I didn't warn you. It will come back to bite you and they will bite the hand that feeds them. I know from experience supporting, excusing, exonerating, expunging, exempting them. It only makes things worse. 

Childhood trauma survivors do not need your toxic gaslighting. And we are not going to take it anymore. If you come at me with your "brutally honest" "you won't like this but you need to hear it" "it's for your own good" bullshit, watch out. If you come to start trouble, be prepared to finish it. Because the good girl is done trauma responding, fawning and letting you drip poison in her ear. That's what I have narcissistic parents for. 

In short, we don't expect anything of you, other than to just sit with us and hold space. If that's uncomfortable, I'd appreciate you just telling me honestly. I can understand it's difficult. We can part company and I won't  hold it against you. But then, you don't get to come back and start telling me what to do. No more two sets of rules for me. You don't have to fix me. In fact, I'd rather you didn't try. It's counter-intuitive and frankly humiliating to me. You don't have that power. Just work on being the best version of you, you can be and leave the fixing of me, to me. 

Healing childhood trauma by showing off and breaking rules

Hello my friends. Today on the road to healing childhood trauma or just working on recovery from CPTSD, I'm going to share how I'm working my program by making noise, getting loud, showing off and breaking rules. I'm talking back to toxic narcissistic parent abuse. 

So I know, it's currently trendy to talk about making noise instead of keeping silent. To be the brave, woke rule breaker instead of rule follower. Even people who have been breaking rules of common decency all their lives, talk as if they're breaking free from some mythical chains they were never held to. Chains they actually bound other people to. It's kind of pathetic, this "I'm done, I'm not gonna take their shit" crusade from people who've done nothing but deal shit. 

But hear me when I say, breaking free from childhood trauma is NOTHING like this. There is no enslaved, dominated, silenced person like a child victim of narcissistic parent abuse. There's no framework and no one understands unless they've been through it or are incredibly empathetic. Or just good listeners. Childhood trauma survivors  need space and acceptance, not more manufactured shame. We're not stupid, we're injured. 

But all too often, those who would help us, the "blind guides" as I've been calling them, aren't interested in actually assisting. They just  want to keep us in toxic shame and FOG (fear, obligation and guilt), to  keep us quiet and biddable and playing our role. I don't recall if it was YouTube psychologist Dr. Ramani or Jerry Wise who made the point that it works for EVERYONE when we go along with narcissistic abuse. When we keep peace at our own expense, when we placate and soothe and humor narcissists, it makes everyone's life easier. Now they don't have to deal with the arrogant narcissist when they have us to do it. 

Everyone can just go on pretending everything is happy in the garden because for them it is. THEY aren't suffering the narcissistic abuse. They can minimize, gaslight us, dismiss and shame because they aren't in his path. We are keeping him regulated with steady doses of narcissistic supply. You're welcome. 

But you know what? I'm sick of  buffering the suffering. I'm sick to death of being the human kickball. And I'm disgusted that all the younger versions of me had to do that. So it's time I spoke up and out for us all. And if it means getting loud and making people uncomfortable, so be it. It's about damn time I did. Healing childhood trauma means doing the very things malignant  narcissistic parents said was wrong. Like telling their dirty secrets and saying what happened. And blocking them and going no contact with abusers. 

All my life, I let them subjugate me with threats, coercive control and gaslighting nonsense. I lived in fear of being an attention seeking show off. When my four narcissistic parents were outrageous attention seeking show offs. I've shared in other posts ludicrous things they did and how they got narcissistic supply from their bombastic behavior. 

So now it's time for me to rewrite those rules according to my own healthy God-given common sense. I'm not showing off in the way they did. What I  have to say may make people uncomfortable but not because it's awkward and creepy like my parents. It's uncomfortable because people have been used to being comfortably numbed to childhood trauma. They like the status quo and I'm shaking that up. 

I'm breaking rules that  keep children silent about trauma. I'm setting a precedent for calling out narcissistic parent abuse BEFORE the child gets too old and set in their trauma. While they are young enough to find and live a life free from this horrific narcissistic parent abuse. I am calling abuse, neglect, parentification, exploitation, scapegoating, gaslighting, triangulation, manipulation, child endangerment, abandonment, WHAT THEY ARE! 

I'm showing off and telling off what I experienced and how it damaged me. I'm telling secrets that I should never have been made to keep. I'm rethinking "disobedience" to narcissistic parents as obedience to God. And "disloyalty" to sick family practices as loyalty to myself. And "disrespect" to disrespectful people who have not earned my respect as self-respect. I'm shunning the notion they indoctrinated in me that self-care, self-protection are selfish. I'm denouncing that as weaponized, willful child abuse. 

No longer am I letting bat guano crazy narcissistic parents define and dictate terms. And this is no easy task. When you've lived 61 years in their crazy-making narcissistic fantasy world, it's devilishly difficult to see clearly. I have decades of lies and gaslighting cemented in my brain, so that digging through all that to the real, is like excavating the ruins of Pompeii. So where do I begin? 

Well, if all they did and said was arrogant, self-centered, double standard, hypocritical, agenda based manipulation, I start by denouncing all of it. No more do I believe that it was right for me because they said it was. I'm trying a new model--everything they said was wrong, backwards, twisted, exploitative. But what if some of it was right? Am I throwing the baby out with the bath water? Yep, and the bath tub, bath mat and shampoo, too. 

I guess what I'm doing is cleansing my memories, sanitizing the toxicity, and uprooting the family dynamics to create healthier ones. I've already begun long ago, before I even recognized the dysfunction, to do my family in a better way. Not perfect. Better. To provide a place for children to be safe, happy, cherished, nurtured. To affirm their voice, self, needs, wants, opinions, experiences, not to gaslight, steal and thwart them as I was. 

How I lost 100 pounds by working my CPTSD recovery program

 

Hello my friends. I've been sharing how I lost 100 pounds, for the last 12 years or so. Only recently, I realized that I needed to work on healing CPTSD from narcissistic parent abuse. And then I began connecting the dots between weight gain, obesity, childhood trauma recovery and weight loss. Here's what I found. 

It might seem like a stretch to say that obesity is linked to childhood trauma but consider this. Traumatized kids who are subjected to narcissistic parent abuse are exhausted. Our resources are zapped. We lived with endless selfish demands from our narcissistic parents. Our identities stolen. Nothing is easy or comfortable. Nothing is like it is for most normal kids. Life is dangerous and filled with anxiety. We don't possess selves, feelings, needs, wants, opinions, interests, normal things. We have been gaslit that we exist only to serve. 

We are neglected, bullied, exploited, abandoned, endangered, parentified, terrorized, shocked, humiliated, invalidated, scapegoated and gaslit on the daily. This is boggling for children who are supposed to be able to expect care and nurturing from their parents but only get shite and shoved in it. Everything we do is twice as hard, takes twice as long with half or none of the resources. We build proverbial bricks without straw. 

Where parents are usually the ones exhausted from caring for resources, we are burned out from caring for them. We are expected to be grownups in children's bodies by grown adults who conversely and unfairly scold and harass us over the smallest of normal child behaviors. We have all the work of adulthood and none of the perks. 

And we were taught that self-care was selfish. So we don't care for ourselves because we don't know how. We survive at best and mostly just limp along getting sicker and more run down. We don't get medical treatment because they didn't care for our medical needs and taught us we didn't deserve it. We don't eat right because they didn't feed us right. They withheld, deprived and cut us short so they could have too much. We gave, they took. 

I have gone hungry so often in my life. I ate the cheapest and lived off scraps. I learned to ignore hunger till I fainted. I deprived myself because I thought I couldn't afford it because they had stolen so much from me that I didn't have enough to live on. My narcissist mother will now play this little attention-seeking game by telling people "sometimes we (her and her family) don't get enough to eat." 

My aunt called me to ask if this was true. And I told her it wasn't. But I didn't tell her that it WAS true of a lot of my childhood. I went without so they could have. And yet she denies any of it. Same with my dad. He made sure everyone but me had everything they wanted and more. So I grew up not really understanding my own needs. 

I was hungry all the time. Tired all the time. I fell asleep everywhere. I was sick a lot. I lost too much weight because I didn't eat enough. It wasn't an anorexia kind of starving myself. It was a deprivation mode thing. I gained too much weight when I went on an antidepressant that took out my limit switches. I couldn't feel anything, joy, sorrow, nothing. I had random uncontrollable rage that seemed to come from nowhere. 

So part of how I lost 100 pounds was by learning to feel in healthy ways. I'm learning to need, to be okay with it, to ask for things and expect to get them. Or to get them for myself. I'm learning to shed the accumulated shame of decades of narcissistic parent abuse. I'm learning that to care for myself is crucial. I'm learning to shut out the gaslighting voices by going no contact with the remaining gaslighting family. 

It's not how I would have wanted things but it's what I got. Now I have to do what I can to heal myself f from the toxic influences. 

How I lost 100 pounds by reading red flags toxic narcissists and blind guides wave

Hello my friends. I've been sharing how I lost 100 pounds in surprising ways. As I look back, a lot of  how I lost 100 pounds had to do with addressing childhood trauma responses, toxic shaming and narcissist parent abuse and gaslighting. Healing CPTSD from narcissist parent abuse was a big part of how I lost 100 pounds. Today I'm sharing how I lost 100 pounds by reading the red flags toxic narcissists and blind guides were waving. 

So toxic people do not mean to wave red flags. They want you to fall into their abuse without seeing it as abuse until it's too late. Their red flags are inadvertent warning signs you can read in what they say and do. Such as learning which snakes are poisonous by their markings.  What I'm sharing are the dangerous signals narcissists and blind guides give off, that already traumatized people miss. 

First a note on blind guides. These are people who pose as  helpers who, by their ignorant arrogance, make our suffering so much worse with their gaslighting, toxic shaming and bullying. And they act and talk remarkably like our narcissist parents, thereby perpetuating our trauma. Here are some of their behaviors, mannerisms and sayings to avoid.

Self-important liars, cheats, cons, rumormongers, backstabbers, gossips, pot stirrers. Proverbs 6:16 spells it out. Things God hates: A proud look (narcissistic smirk), a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked imaginations (schemes), feet that be swift in running to mischief (troublemakers) a false witness that speaks lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren. 

Arrogant Christian hypocrisy.  So that is a contradiction in terms and a major red flag, to start with. Christians are called to be humble doers of the word, not haughty preachers of it. So anyone who talks the talk without walking it, should be ignored. How do you spot Christian hypocrites? By listening to how they tell others what to do without doing it. Watch out for double standards and arrogant, ignorant posturing. 

Sweet vs. Kind. You know, I'm not a fan of plain sugar. It hurts my teeth and makes me feel a little sick. And that's how you know a narcissist/ blind guide. They feign sugary sweetness but their words are bitter, harsh, metallic, toxic. There is no love, just judgmental self-righteousness. And once you look past the gaslighting nonsense, you see that they're not even sweet. They aren't peacemakers, they are passive-aggressive. They aren't real, but disingenuous. They aren't smiling, they're simpering, smirking and sneering. They don't reach out, they push down. 

Dodgy motives. Once you start seeing the fake, you start questioning the motives and you find they are really dubious. They aren't trying to help. They curry favor, ingratiate, bully, mock, belittle, malign, character assassinate, plant seeds of doubt against you, set you up, shame, ambush. They get their kicks off humiliating you. They don't speak truth, but a warped fictional, opinionated, agenda-based deception. They twist, manipulate, exploit, distort and invalidate. 

Bizarre, disturbing toxic comments. Funny how the people who proclaim to help you, often make such undermining, devaluing, invalidating comments. And when coupled with hypocrisy, smirking, self-adulation, twisted motives and unkind, fake sweetness, it's a Molotov cocktail. You know the toxicity by the way their comments leave you feeling destabilized. Because they aren't building up, they are undermining you. They INTEND to destabilize you. 

Questioning and second-guessing. Not themselves, in humility. No, toxic blind guides question you and gaslight you into questioning yourself. They poke holes in your common sense. They sabotage your defenses and self-care skills. They second-guess your motives. None of this they have the slightest authority or ability to do. They speak from ignorant arrogance, not wisdom. They pervert, subvert and distort. 

Speak for God. This is at the crux of their wickedness. They will tell you that they know God's will and their toxic shaming is God's will for you. They say it's for your own good. It's NOT it's their will and they speak from self-serving ends. They claim to speak for God but their pride shows they speak from evil. Anyone who would proclaim to know the mind of God and speak for  him is a liar and poser. They aren't speaking God's word they are setting themselves up as God. And that is the one unpardonable sin, unrepented pride. 

So how is the part of how I lost 100 pounds. Shame, deceit and chaos cause dysregulation, anxiety, trauma responding, stress and depletion. My body pooled resources to protect me. Unfortunately, it couldn't provide emotional resources or self-care skills. It could only store fat. I had to learn and practice self-care skills to heal from CPTSD and obesity from this. 

I did this by feeling and acknowledging the hurt of their comments. I began to question the blind guides and narcissists in my life, instead of myself. I stopped listening to their sick, perverted gaslighting, selfish lies and began hearing my truth. The truth. 

Narcissist Parents use silent treatment to gaslight and confuse kids into trauma responses

Hello my friends. Today in my path to healing from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm exploring how toxic parents use silent treatment to gaslight and confuse kids into thinking they've done something wrong when they haven't. It just occurred to me to today that I still, at 61, trauma respond to toxic behaviors like the silent treatment, with fawning and fixing. Silent treatment is not a healthy form of parenting. It's petulant pouting and sulking and coercive control a child by activating FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). 

Narcissistic parent abuse isn't just physical or verbal emotional abuse, it's using scare tactics like the silent treatment (cold shoulder). This destabilizes and unsettles the child into trauma responses of fawning. This isn't the addition of negative consequences; it's the removal of positive, called negative reinforcement. However, this is nothing like putting a toy away till a child learns to use it correctly. This type of negative reinforcement is the removal of what the child cannot live without: love, affection, human contact. Giving a child the cold shoulder is no different that starving them or locking them up. 

Except in one vital way. The silent treatment is confusing as hell to children. Many times, traumatized kids have no clear idea of why they are being subjected to rejection. Because there is no good reason, ever, to do this. It's just a mind eff on the parent's part. BUT, the child, believing he's done something to cause it because what parent would wrongly punish a child, starts making up reasons why his parents are turning their backs on him. 

And that's exactly what the malignant narcissist parent wants, is for the child to take on himself the burden of responsibility for what is a parent's FUBARED behavior. Instead of rationally talking to the  child about what she may or may not have done wrong, the parent acts sullen, sulky, won't speak to the child, rebuffs her, and makes her feel like a lousy pile of shit. If you've even seen or experienced the silent treatment, you know the crazy-making anxiety it causes.

The parent sits glaring, arms crossed, lips pursed, jaws clamped shut in stony silence. She won't answer questions except with snippy rude answers. This is NOT grey rocking at all. In grey rocking you just stay small and quiet so as NOT to attract attention. The person engaging in silent treatment WANTS you to know she's furious. She's acting this way to make everyone notice. 

If asked, she'll theatrically look daggers at the child. Or she'll say "nothing." To make it obvious that something is very wrong. And that someone has done something unspeakable which she never names, so they could actually defend themselves or try to resolve it. The narcissist tries to make herself appear the long-suffering, stoic bigger person. But what she really does is to everyone miserable. She does it goad the child into asking what's wrong. So she can further snub you. This is not adult behavior it's melodramatic attention-seeking. 

My stepmother was masterful at the aggrieved but bigger person song and dance. She'd lower her voice to this disturbingly quiet menace. She'd whisper to my dad behind her hand to lather him all up. It was always  me that had failed her. And then they'd both turn the silent treatment on me. EVEN AFTER I had rushed in with all my fawning trauma responses to fix it. They would retain this upper hand of clipped arm's length treatment, thawing at a glacial pace, bread crumbing with a few specks to keep me dancing. It was made clear that I had to work very hard to win back a modicum of love. And I was grateful for the teeniest of bread crumbs. 

This happened at least once a week. And looking back, I see that it always came out of the blue. I can still feel their sickening sucker punches. I can feel myself spiraling into panicked freeze, fawn and fix trauma responses.  I'd beg to be told how I'd offended and what I could do to fix it. And grudgingly, she'd "allow" me to do more chores for her, as if she was being generous and not an effing control freak dominatrix. 

I used to tell myself I knew what I did wrong, but I never did. That was my survival instinct. Because it was safer than facing their wrath or admitting that I had rotten parents who would torture me on a whim, because it felt good to them. It took me 60 years to learn that.  Now I see that these power plays are done strategically to get the child to that FOG state: fear of upsetting the parent, obligation to somehow "fix" it and guilt for causing it and not fixing it properly. And the bread crumbing and refusal to tell me what I did wrong was to keep me hopping. 

Because the narcissist parent wants the child biddable and on her toes. He knows this shitshow makes the child uncomfortable, anxious and stressed out. He is doing it to MAKE his daughter feel that way. BUT his narcissistic entitlement, arrogant and malignancy is showing plain as day, too. People don't give the cold shoulder as a problem-solving method. They do it to make problems worse, offer no opportunity to correct and to keep the child in agonized torment. The parent is sending a malicious, cruel and spiteful message that "you have failed me and now you will pay. But I will not tell you what you have done nor will I allow you to make amends." It's the ultimate passive-aggressive power trip tool. And does it work. 

Now, you might be tempted to ask what the child has done to merit this. If you are, please, seriously, stop and think about what you just asked. What could a child or anyone for that matter, do to warrant such behavior. Answer: nothing. Because like I said, the silent treatment isn't really about what the person did. No matter how bad it was, the offended person would either say what he didn't like or stay away from the offender. He wouldn't stage this pathetic, theatrical temper tantrum. 

By the fact that she's throwing a game-playing pity party, shows she is not interested in resolution. She wants to humiliate the child and see him grovel in shame. She waiting for her to dance attendance, hop through hoops, do anything to get back in her good graces. Which leads me to say that this has nothing to do with what the child actually did or about it being wrong. IT. IS. ABOUT. CONTROL. It's gaslighting the child into THINKING she did something wrong and FEELING ashamed, without even knowing why. 

Because that's another sign the silent treatment is a dick power move. Narcissist parents never say what they are upset about. They hint and throw out weird little innuendos. They make veiled accusations but it's all smoke and mirrors. They do not say what they are mad about because they cannot without  showing their hands and looking stupid. Well, more stupid than they already do, with their little silly little pout games. 

There might not even be anything wrong and the parent just feels like jerking the child around a bit. More often, the parent did something dumb and it was found out and she doesn't like that. So she throws shade on the child to distract attention from her own bad choices. Or she's mad at someone else, like a golden child, but takes it out on the scapegoat. Or the parents are mad at each other and triangulating the child to take the brunt of it. 

And they called me the angry, manipulative, unforgiving, oversensitive, attention-seeking one. 

Types of blind guides and how each derails healing (part 2 of series)

 Hello my friends. I've begun a series on blind guides--people who pose as helpful who actually hinder healing. In this case, healing from narcissistic parent abuse. In this post I'll explain the different types of blind guides and how each can derail healing. 

1) Situational/triggered blind guides These are the ones who makes toxic comments as trauma responses in situations in which he is triggered by his own issues. This is the person who kneejerk says "your parents meant well" when hearing something cruel they did because he is recalling his own traumatic childhood and trying to convince himself that his parent meant well. He is essentially aware and sensitized except around issues that activate his own shame. 

2) Naive/Inadvertent blind guides. These are generally very young people, such as your children, who have no understanding of your life because you raised them better than you had it yourself. Which is kind of a double edged sword. You raised them so well that they can't conceptualize narcissistic parents abusing a child the way you were abused. Because unfortunately, often the only way to empathize is to experience. And you also raised them to give their grandparents unmerited respect. And their grandparents may  have treated them differently from you. And you taught them self-confidence and that it's okay to question parents, where those things were denied you. So they speak self-confidently, sometimes, about things they don't understand. They question your experiences, memories and trauma responses, not to shame you (although it feels that way because that's all you know). They think they are helping you and maybe they are. It may just not be the right time for you to hear it. Either way, you don't have to kowtow to or be angry with them. You can own your own truth, painful as it is and be proud that you gave them with healthier truth than you were given. 

3) Intentional blind guides These are just what they sound like: blatant, shameless, "in yo face" BS-ers. These high-and-mighty folks purposely shame, deceive, trip you up and lead you the diametric opposite direction from healing. They trigger all your worst trauma responses--fight, flight, freeze, fawn, fix. Very often they are religious blind guides who gaslight you with all kinds of weaponized misquoted scripture, to humiliate and break you down. And they bear a strong resemblance to your malignant narcissistic parents from whose abuse you are trying to heal. 

Here's my post on detoxing from blind guides' gaslighting. 

Beware of blind guides who shame and gaslight childhood trauma survivors

 Hello my friends. In today's post on healing CPTSD from narcissistic parent abuse, I want to define a term I've begun using. And that is "blind guides." These are people who attempt to harmfully control childhood trauma survivors with toxic positivity and gaslighting. I've gone through several iterations of terms: flying monkeys, haters, naysayers and all of them either don't fit or sound kitschy or both. I chose blind guide because it provides a metaphor for the danger of following these people. They don't know where they are going but they talk like they do. They lead us into, instead of away from, further problems, if we follow them.  

How do they do this? Through that toxic combination of ignorance and arrogance. Blind guides lack vision, into your life and even their own. They bring no insight yet they speak as though they do. They arrogantly proclaim to see clearly "how it is" and feel entitled "guide you" by dispensing unsolicited advice which they do not follow themselves. They talk a big talk which they never walk. 

They are stumbling blocks for those of us trying to heal from narcissistic abuse, because they are in fact narcissistically abusing and gaslighting us themselves. That sounds harsh but consider this. Why would someone who knows nothing about something, speak as if they do? Answer: hubris, pride. Why would they feel they have the right to dictate to you what they know nothing about? Answer: entitlement. And when you inevitably fall, after following their toxic nonsense advice, they show no empathy or responsibility. So, hypocritical double standards + arrogance +holier-than-thou self-righteousness + remorseless = narcissist. 

There are three types of blind guides, defined in this post. Simply put they are the situational/triggered blind guide who is trauma responding from his own shame, with toxic comments he doesn't understand are toxic. The naive/inadvertent blind guide is usually a young person who means well but isn't trauma informed or mature enough to be making the bold statements they make. The intentionally blind guide is the worst. These people go out of their way to say nasty toxic things cloaked as wise advice. 

They will arrogantly tell you that what they say is "for your own good." Or that they are "just saying what everyone else is thinking." I did an entire article on the levels of deceit in that phrase. They insinuate or flat out say, that you are being stubborn, that you aren't listening to God speaking. Wrong. Wrong Wrong. They are making themselves God and trying to con you into believing that their nonsense is God speaking. Exactly as narcissist parents do. And this is wicked heresy. 

They hurt because they mean to. But they want you to think they are kind and caring. They aren't. In fact, if you confront them, they may do just like the narcissists and DARVO, making themselves the victim and you the oppressor. They "didn't mean it" and you "misunderstood them" you "twisted their words" or are "overthinking it" or "making too big a deal of what was just a little thing." You "maligned them" when they were "just trying to help." Even though they were very clear at the time they said whatever toxic thing they said. And all you did was to question what they said. a

They make all kinds of passive-aggressive shaming comments which they present as statements of fact but which are just nasty, underhanded insults. Since they can't dazzle with brilliance, they baffle you with bullshit. So you might be wondering why I'm being vague and unspecific. Why am I not listing things blind guides say, so you know what to watch out for? 

I have listed some toxic things blind guides say in other posts. I didn't call them blind guides in these posts but you can read as written that people who say things like this are blind guides. 

Toxic BS about  "poor, helpless victim" narcissist parents 

How even loving people gaslight and further abuse, abused children

Toxic positivity BS the Christians gaslight kids of Narcissist parents with

Therapy, Religion, Society often teach wrong responses to narcissist parent rage

Gaslighting nonsense Christians shame abused and traumatized kids with

"Helpful" comments on CPTSD and abusive parents that are actually gaslighting

People and pitfalls to avoid on the recovery journey from narcissistic parent abuse

But there's a bigger reason that I haven't spelled out in this article, the gaslighting things blind guides say. And that is because it's hard to encompass the toxicity in a list. It's essential to know just how pervasive and insidious the intentional blind guide's toxicity is. Literally, it's in everything they say and how they say it. Their scorn drips from every word. You can see their haughtiness in their eyes and narcissistic smirk. You just have to learn how to look for it. 

Because part of how they trip you up is with their feigned innocent concern. Blind guides fake sweetness and light just as they fake knowing things they don't. They pretend to see clearly when they have blinded themselves. They operate in opinion versus fact. They disguise, obfuscate, shift, flip and distort reality. 

Which I know is still vague and confusing. Because blind guides are intentionally vague and confusing. And it's by that, that they give themselves away. You can always identify the gaslighting nonsense by it's faintly off pong. It smells fishy because it is. It gives an impression of being useful while actually being detrimental. And you can feel the damaging intent in the pit of your stomach. That's the backhanded sucker punch of gaslighting. 

But since us traumatized kids aren't used to listening to our own visceral responses, our "gut", since we were taught to ignore red flags clearly, we gaslight ourselves. We tell our selves that they meant well. We ignore the fact that what the person has said is blatantly hurtful and not at all hurtful. We gaslight ourselves that we are disobeying God if we don't listen to them. When actually GOD IS THE ONE WAVING THE RED FLAGS TO WARN US OFF!! 

Normal, not traumatized people can usually see the gaslighting blind guides for what they are. Sometimes they don't, because these hucksters are very good at hiding in plain sight. But those of us who have already been abused by liars and cheats, don't see it. We have been conditioned to ignore red flags and our own common sense. We've been groomed to believe lies. So when an intentional blind guide intentionally misleads us we just follow them down the road to perdition. 

Part of the problems is that sadly blind guides are far more common than they should be. They lurk everywhere, among family, friend circles, workplace associates, churches, social groups, doctors, psychologists. In fact, the helping professions are prone to blind guide behavior. Too many people go into these fields with an agenda. They pose as carers and we traumatized people don't see their wolf  under the sheepskin.