How I lost 100 pounds by going no contact with narcissist parents: unexpected outcomes of healing childhood trauma

 Hello my friends. This blog began life as a tutorial on how I lost 100 pounds. Then about 2 years ago, I began recognizing and beginning to address some of the childhood trauma I'd experienced from four narcissist parents. I say childhood trauma but as any child of malignant narcissist parents knows, it doesn't end in childhood. Narcissists don't age well and they get better at their ugly manipulative, cruel, destructive behaviors the longer they get away with it. And many of us, especially women in their fifties on up, grew up never being allowed to express anything, let alone criticism of selfish, entitled parents. They crippled, blinded, deafened and silenced us to the abuse they were wreaking on us. They gaslit us into believed they owed us nothing and we owed them everything. They endangered and abandoned us,  cutting off all support and depriving us, while still demanding we care for them. And like the good little do-bees we were groomed to be, we did. To the utter destruction of ourselves. We quietly died inside so they could usurp our beings. It really is that bad. 

So now that I've taken the blinders off and begun to use my eyes, ears and voice, I see the trauma, chaos, deprivation, neglect and abuse for what it was. And I saw my four parents for the self-centered, entitled, Machiavellian, sadists they were. It was, is and would continue to be that bad had I not  made the unenviable decision to cut tie and go not contact (or hyper low contact) with the remaining two parents. And that, I see now is part of how I lost 100 pounds. Albeit I lost weight before this big epiphany, I was at least starting to question them and to believing their gaslighting lies. 

And you know what started that process? Not me realizing how bad they'd treated me all these years. It was the way they treated my children. I've always been much better at defending others than myself. I've been quick to see abuse and call it out when others are experiencing than I am at seeing how I  have been harmed. That's why it took me till 59 to be able to accept that what happened to me happened, without candy-coating it and making excuses for them. 

So how is all this relevant to how I lost 100 pounds? Well, understanding obesity and childhood trauma links is another work in progress. I'll be writing a series on that in the weeks to come. Today, I'll focus on one unexpected outcome of healing childhood trauma from narcissist parents and that is that in  finding my voice also found my freedom. I found that I had lived all my life playing supporting cast to their main character syndrome. I did, said, thought, believed what they did. It wasn't safe not to. And that fear they that had always used to hold me captive, suddenly lost its power. 

I could dress, live, eat, think, react, the way I wanted to, not the way they gaslit me into believing I  had to. I could buy what I wanted, no longer letting the deprivation mode they imposed on me (just me) dictate. And how does that affect how I lost 100 pounds? Obesity and weight gain are directly linked to parental neglect and abuse. Damaged food relationships stem from fears and experiences of doing without, going hungry, not having needs met. And my weight gain was almost entirely down to depression from abuse and neglect, anxiety about not being enough, guilt and shame over letting people down, trauma nightmares destroying my sleep and other family of origin issues.

My weight gain is also directly attributable to losing two stillborn babies which is directly attributable to malignant narcissist parent trauma. I'll blog more on that in my next article. In summary, going no contact with malignant narcissist parents was an exit door to their
unhealthy emotional control and an entrance to taking back power stolen from me. 

Malignant narcissist parents destroy their kid's sanity and groom them in self-destructive dissociative breaks with reality

Dear friends, I know I've written before about my very upside down inside up world. How everything was double standard two sets of rules. . But I'll have to keep writing to process just HOW inverted it was and how this inversion of reality ruined large parts of me. I know I need to practice self-care but when you've been shamed and punished for doing that, where do you begin? Here's how malignant narcissist parents destroy their child's sanity and groom them in self-destructive dissociative breaks with reality. Which the child then feels guilty and ashamed of having. They steal her self, causing horrible trauma responses and then blame her for having these terrible responses. They anger, frustrate, sabotage, irritate, trigger, exploit, target, bully harass, DARVO, shame, embarrass, scapegoat, gaslight and then shame her for acting upset. 

I can't even think the word self without hearing my mom's and dad's pompous scolding about how I think too much about myself. How "we" are supposed to "die to self." (as they lived only for self, mind). And God forbid I ever suggested "self-care" or "self-confidence." Those they shot down as selfish. For me, that is. They were probably the most self-centered, arrogant, self-indulgent people I knew. They  were utterly consumed with themselves. What they needed (or just wanted but called need), thought, felt, experienced were the only thing that mattered to them and it damn well better be the only thing that mattered to me. 

They allowed their pride and self-absorption to rule everything for me as well as themselves. If they didn't feel like doing something, they pushed it on to me. And there was a lot they didn't feel like doing. They arrogantly took and took good things from others because they felt entitled to have things they didn't work to earn. They made ridiculously risky, dangerous, irresponsible, immoral, unethical, illegal choices that involved me. Usually, I was the only one to suffer any consequences. It's amazing how they managed to get away with so much. And this magical ability to sidestep any splashdown from their choices only emboldened them to make worse decisions. 

They weren't childish, they were heedless. Feckless. Reckless. They didn't care who they hurt as long as they got what they wanted. They were so selfish that they couldn't or wouldn't see how they made everything revolve around them, as if they, not God, were the center of the universe. They forced and coerced me to play along with their narcissistic fantasy. So I did because I didn't know a better way and because it was dangerous not to. God knows it was dangerous enough even when I did play along. Rules changed all the time. So how does a kid even think about taking care of herself when survival itself is in question? It's about priorities and I had to prioritize them at my expense. 

So now I have some very dysfunctional behaviors resulting from constant chaos and destabilization. I am always afraid because I always had to be. I still would have to be on guard if I had not gone no contact with them. So what are those odd behaviors. The list in endless and some I've written about before. But I keep discovering new ones I have to talk myself through. Here's what I found in the last few days. 

Hypervigilant always. I'm always on patrol, en pointe, on my toes. I don't dare to relax because I'm afraid I'll do something awful or not prevent something awful from happening. I was overly regulated by parents who didn't regulate themselves. I was continually bossed around and ordered to do things I should not and could not have done. They coerced, bullied, lied, distorted and manipulated reality. There were so many ways to anger them. I now see that's because they were always pot-stirring. Their vanity made them spiteful, vicious and trouble-making. Now I wonder if my hypervigilance was as much to placate them and prevent them from feeling consequences, as it was to protect myself. Because it went beyond fear...

Abject unspeakable terror, always. Here's another thing I haven't figured out, how they managed to instill such horror in me that I still can't think about it without feeling physically ill. I don't even know what I was afraid of. Displeasing them, for sure frightened me. But since they were always affronted, offended and put out, no matter what I did, I assumed I must be one very rotten person. But if I was so rotten why I so preoccupied with keeping them happy, with protecting them? Rotten people only care about themselves. 

Endless self-doubt and shame, always. I am continually auto-flagellating myself. I can't win for losing. I can't get it right, for failing. If something works out that I did it was an accident. If it doesn't, it is always my fault. I downplay and excuse horrible things done to me and exaggerate tiny mistakes I make into capital offenses. How do I know this? Because I'm able to overlook and exonerate other people when they do them, but I can't do that for me. This is the world of the scapegoat child. No winning, no breaking even, no one ever satisfied, damned if she does or doesn't. 

Paralyzing confusion. Am I exaggerating about always being wrong? Yes and no, Yes, it's not true that a child is always wrong. But when she's made to feel like she is, it amounts to the same thing. And no, I'm not the one exaggerating. My narcissistic parents are. It's impossible for someone to be in the wrong all the time. It's also confusing as hell for the child who is trying to learn the right way to do things. How can you learn right from wrong, if you're never told you got it right? What you learn is to endlessly second guess yourself until you're so crippled by fear of failure that you become impotent. 

Deathly fear of self-confidence. My (very vain) parents would criticize my every action they said, to keep my humble. They who were not at all humble. They said they were afraid I would "get conceited" if they praised me. And yet they expected copious amounts of praise to be lavished on them. So now I can hear the hypocrisy in all that but I couldn't then. I just absorbed and internalized it into a mush of self-loathing. I was terrified lest anything I do be seen as proud. 

Easy target for bullies. Mamas, don't let  your babies grow up to be scared of their own shadows. Take it from me, it's bloody dangerous and it victimizes and stigmatizes them. Predators can smell the craven fear you instilled in them. And being taught no self-care, no self-defense, no protective skills, being shamed that self-care was selfish, my God, you've just  made us lambs to the slaughter. Well, that's the scapegoat for you. And worst of all, for me, my parents were the ones throwing me to the lions. For sport. As a scapegoat. So they wouldn't have to appease these unpleasable beasts. They allowed their new partners to treat me in any vile way they wished. They left me to the mercy of strangers and set me as servant to very unsafe people. They set me up, mocked, humiliated and ambushed me. Then attacked me for not be subservient enough.  I was more tenderized than a Swiss steak. With all resources stripped and trampled boundaries, I am completely vulnerable. It's like I have no skin. 

Can't stand criticism. Funnily enough, my dad, faulted me for this, saying "you can't handle criticism." But very often it wasn't "gentle reproof" it was sadistic humiliation, sucker punches, sneak attacks, insults and using me as whipping girl. I can't honestly recall one helpful bit of correction I received, just a lot of random gang-banging. So needless to say, all I learned was to crumble. But when my dad said that was mistaking me for himself. And while it's true I can't handle it, the reasons are diametrically different. My father resented any questioning of him, no matter how innocent. He felt he was above it all and certainly never heeded it. I can't stand criticism because I heard too much contradictory fault-finding it confused me. First one person said one thing and then when I did that, I was faulted for it. So I just kept rolling with the punches and getting more beaten down. Now when I'm corrected or scolded my instinct is to feel intense shame and cave in without any thought as to if they are correct or how I feel about it. 

Bewildered by contradictory role models. Narcissistic parents are very much the "do as I say not as I do type." They make it up as they go, to suit their fantasy. They preached self-denial and lived self-indulgence. Too good for me wasn't good enough for them. I had too little so they could have too much. I gave, they stole. We were "poor" when it came to me needing a proper bed. But they were rich enough to afford riding lessons and saddles. When someone else did it, it was cheating. For them, it was "making friends" and "ministering to" a married man. Seriously. Everything was double standards. They were all over the place: preacher, vamp, teacher, pedophile, parent, bully, Christian, thief, moral right, pervert, child molester, scammer, pro-lifer who paid for a girl's abortion, foster care provider, child abuser, adulterer, youth group leader, whore (seriously my mom dressed as one for the church Halloween party). I'd have been so much better off raised by wolves. And what this taught me was to tolerate it all, say nothing, keep secrets and feel endless degradation and embarrassment, while protecting them but not myself. 

Ashamed of self-defense . My parents had a retort for everything I did. A comeback for every defense I made for myself. I was to know that I was always the problem just because they said so. That I'd  trespassed without me even knowing how. And yet if I asked or defended myself they scolded me for "talking back." Sassing and being "lippy" my mother called it. Well, maybe if I didn't have defend myself all the time, against their attacks, I wouldn't answer back. If they had been less antagonistic and disagreeable, if they had been fair and heard me out instead of just pointing finger and twisting everything to make me the bad guy. If they had been actual parents and not vicious bullies. If they'd spoken up for me, I'd not have had to speak up for myself. And funny, they were quick to "lip off" and answer back anyone who challenged them. So another rule just for me.  But no matter, because I learned pretty quickly that if I didn't want a belt across the face to put up and shut up. 

Scapegoat servitude  . If his wife or her husband was pissy and they were always pissy, they'd find a way to make it my fault. He'd triangulate, pitting her against me. And she was more than willing to let him, being very narcissistic herself. Same with my mom and stepdad. I was smugly informed that I had let so and so down. No one ever took my part. And yet they all hated each other. Scapegoating and exploiting me was the only thing they agreed on. My dad would say "maybe Mary could help you feel better" (as if!) What a euphemism "help" was! She was invited to think of some way I could make it up to her for the way I'd let her down. (gaslight, DARVO) This usually involved some extra housework that she was too lazy to do. I never was told HOW I let anyone down or what I actually did. My conscience should prick and I should "just know." (translation, I didn't do anything. It was convenient to make me think I had. How else would he get her off his back?).  So now, I've brought that scapegoat syndrome with me to adulthood. If anyone is upset with me, I immediately believe it's my fault. That I'm obligated by some sort of unspoken contract to "fix it." I never stop to wonder if they've brought it on themselves. I never question them, only me. But it's time I started doing so. Because I might find, that like all those times before, I was not to blame. And if I was, I could make my own choice about what to do or not do about it. 

Shackled to ever-changing narcissistic bullshit. There was no winning. Not even for losing. If I cried because I was afraid to displease them, I was "too sensitive." Because my dad was putting his spin, how he would handle it, on me. He felt above reproach so he would have gotten bitter and resentful if faulted. So he assumed I was crying because I was pouting, or showing off or pitying myself. Which was what he always did. But I was just remorseful that I'd let them down. And a bit confused as to how. And then, remember, just before that, story was that I was too proud and haughty and couldn't handle criticism, which begs the question how could I be both? Either I was too conscientious or not enough. Either I took criticism too much to heart or not enough. Are you exhausted yet? Well buckle up because there's a lot more gaslighting to get through. So when I did anything for them, and I did a lot. Too much. There was always fault-finding. Some little non-existent speck I missed. Or I didn't have a big enough clown grin pasted on my face. Whatever. So I got in the habit of asking if I did it right. Knowing I did but also knowing how they'd find something to rip me over. And my dad would then say I was "fishing for compliments" and looking for a reward (tired facepalm).  Well that pond ain't got no fish in it! And he'd cut his own tongue out before saying good job. And again, he'd say that I should "just know" and be quietly glad to have been of service. That service was its own reward. The fuck you say. So if you didn't get your paycheck you'd still go to work. So it was earth shattering if I didn't get clothes folded to specification but then dismissed as just my job if I did. 

Periodic breaks with sanity.  This is the coup de grace, the culmination of all of the above. All this kept me very small, silent, shell-shocked, baffled, dissociated, fractured, cult  indoctrinated, brainwashed, brain fogged. I have terrible nightmares every night. My memory is permanently damaged by so much gaslighting and parent revisionist history. I trauma respond with every breath, even in sleep. I jump at every sound. I've tried to squash it down and mostly I succeed. I don't look quite the wreck I am. But sometimes it all explodes, when I least expect it. I'm starting to recognize an aura but mostly it hits me blindside. Sometimes people do or say things to provoke it, sometimes intentionally sometimes not. What I do is not pretty. People at their rawest are not. I've done and said terrible things in middle of the episode, panic attack whatever it is. I'm heartily sorry afterwards and feel so much shame. I vow never to do it again but since it's so ingrained by years of trauma and abuse, I don't know how to guard against it. And I was taught that self-defense and self-care were selfish. So there's that.

All my life, I realize, has been shaped by these crippling experiences. I've survived not thanks to but in spite of my narcissist parents' sabotaging efforts. Unfortunately it also took me a lifetime to see the harm, chaos and trauma for what it was. If I had seen it earlier or if someone had told me that what they did was wrong, if just one person had reached out, and not normalized it, I would have had a much healthier life. The terrible pain, depression, shame, anxiety and anguish would not have become so entrenched in my core. And I would not have developed such awful, counterintuitive, destructive trauma responses. The Bible says that the sins of the fathers shall be visited on the children. And so they are but in ways most people do not envisage. It's not the repeating of the wicked behaviors but the suffering from CONSEQUENCES OF them that are visited on the child. 

Why I can't and won't reconcile with abusive malignant narcissist parents

Hello my friends. Today, to heal CPTSD from malignant narcissist parent abuse, I'm going to say something that may shock you. If you've lived with narcissist parents, it won't. I won't and can't ever reconcile with my abusive narcissist parents and here's why. 

I will not forgive them. Not now. Not ever. No matter what apologies, promises, requests to talk, whatever efforts are made, I will not budge. Not by society's understanding of forgiveness, that is. The only forgiving I'll do is to acknowledge the past will never be any different. It happened. They did it. But that's not the type of forgiveness most people mean, especially the narcissists. They want a complete absolution without being contrite, without doing or changing a thing. They want it forgotten. And then to go back to business as usual which is more abuse from them. 

I will engage in no dialog about it. It's not open for discussion. The window for that closed decades ago. This is non-negotiable, because it is not a negotiation. There are not "two sides to the story." It's not a fight nor a disagreement.  I'm not and never have been a participant. I have no responsibility nor culpability in it. I did nothing to bring it on myself. Abused children do not. I have always been the injured party. That's all. The only person I'll be apologizing to is myself for allowing them to hurt me for so long. 

Also, you can't forgive the unrepentant. And my remaining parents are not sorry. They have never and will not admit fault. They have not and will not take responsibility. They've expressed no regret at how things affected me, only themselves. They only thing they regret is getting caught. And then there's hell to pay. They got furious with me the one time I brought anything up. So they won't confess but they will play games, manipulate, coerce, accuse, gang up on, attack, ambush, lie, bully, prat scripture wrongly, DARVO, distort, deceive, gaslight, backpedal, dismiss, pooh-pooh, and generally try to twist it into something that is my fault. They won't back down. They will act like they're on the moral high ground. They're not. They're just standing on the mountain of BS they've dealt. And I know this because it's not my first rodeo. 

There's nothing for me but more pain in any reconciliation. It won't be a reconciliation, first because there's nothing to reconcile. I am the innocent. Children are. There's only for them to humble themselves, admit, confess and apology. And pigs might fly. But being an empathetic and also bullied child, I will end up confessing to all kinds of things I never did. Just so mom doesn't feel uncomfortable. And she will accept it with haughty Dowager Countess grandeur and never admit to one single thing she has done.  

Any reconciliation meeting will be anything but that. Oh they'll feign a desire to "make peace" but they have no intention of actually making it. The burden will be all on me. They will conspire and turn it into a kangaroo court ambush, with me in accused's seat and them as judge. Both my mother and her ex-husband will come together, her to gang up and him as her junkyard dog. They will try to play some kind of spiritual leader shit. They will blow smoke up my ass again like they always do. 

They will triangulate (the only thing all my parents ever agreed on was that I was the problem.) He will get pissed when he's backed into a corner (it's not hard to do) and show his true vicious, violent nature. She will drip poison in everyone's ears, to rile them up. She will pout, say she can't remember, play the senile card, and the ingenue and then the long-suffering martyr.  She'll cry on my shoulder how mean Bill is and then turn on me in front of him to win him over.  I'll be just meat for the rabid dog. 

I know how it will go. It's happened so often before. They are accomplished liars, cheats and sneaks and they've got an arsenal of dirty tricks I'm just not prepared to defend against. I bring a flower to a gun fight. I will let down my guard AGAIN and give them the benefit of the doubt when there's no doubt. I'll suck it up and rise above and just let myself be barbecued.  I will fall for their horseshit about making amends but I'll be the only making them for things I didn't do.. And just when I think we're making some progress, WHAM, she'll pull out some nasty barbed false accusations she had in readiness. She didn't come prepared to confess but to DARVO.

She'll play like she wants a relationship with me. She doesn't. She wants control over me. She wants what she can get out of me. She'll remind me that I'm her daughter (emphasis on the possessive.) That's she's my mother but only in the "you have to do for, obey, respect, by loyal to, take care of me. God says. and you owe it to me. But she'll be very tightlipped on what she has owed me, about all she did but shouldn't have all she should have but didn't. All the hurt toward me that she turned a blind eye to and even mocked me for. 

I'll be the only one compromising, my principles and my sanity, that is. Over things I had no hand in. I'll be called a liar or a showoff if anything they did is actually addressed. No one but me will back down,  or forgive. I cannot safely be honest with them so I can never have a conversation unless she orchestrates it. Everything must maintain her fake narcissistic fantasy. She will resent and punish me forever if she is forced to admit to something or is caught in a lie. 

It will hurt all over again, worse to hear her demeaning me, dismissing my very real pain. It'll hurt to hear yet again, the lies and evasions. And how little she cared about the hell they put me through. How the most horrendous things, like abandoning me or joining him attacking me, about taking his part over mine every single damn time, like letting that deadbeat kick me out of my house. I'll have to hear her fake pity parties about how she didn't know (the fuck you didn't you were right there). Or how she has no memory of it happening. She has no memory because never cared about what hurt me. It's only about her. And I'll  have to be reminded just how little she cared and cares about me, yet again. 

Why would I put myself through that? How could you even begin to "reconcile" that? How can you forgive what they're not sorry for. I don't think even God can. And they have no intention of changing. They want me to say all they did was right and proper. They want me sweep it under the rug so they can get back me back in their greedy clutches. And they will gaslight and shame the hell out of me if they don't let them. And it just go on as before. 

I don't even want to have any conversation anymore. It brings up all kinds of pain that I would like to forget. It sends my nightly trauma nightmares to nuclear level. And you know what,  I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. Nothing. There may be consequences but not it this case. They have nothing to use on me, no leverage, no power anymore. 

Will I regret not having a relationship when they're gone? I sure as hell will regret and probably resent that they didn't love me as they should. But miss them?  Well, how can you miss what you never had? And as for giving second chances, I've given umpteen million chances and she's snubbed them all. So there's a chance she may change, you say. If she'd wanted to make changes to improve she could have done it years ago. But all she did was lie and burn bridges. And so she might still, you say. And, so? That's nothing to do with me. She's lived her life entirely for herself heedless of how it always hurt me. Now she's going to have to live with the consequences of her choices.  I'm not going to bail her out like I always did. She's on her own now, by her own choice, like I was always left alone, only not by my choice. 

 I especially shouldn't do something that's bad for both of us. If she's to have a hope of  heaven, she needs to do some humbling of that colossal pride and arrogance. And that has nothing to do with me. I can't fix it for her by body blocking her from consequences anymore. Am I punishing her for what she did to me. You mean all those times she abused, neglected, abandoned, endangered, smacked my face, lied about me, lied to me, were sexually gross with me, humiliated me, exploited me, let her boyfriend sexually assault me? Going no contact with that is punishing them? Not really because they haven't reached out to me and never did. The only thing that matters to them is not me but what they can get from me. And it's nothing compared to the harm they have wreaked on me all my life. 

Am I preventing her from getting forgiveness? Well, she needs to confess and be contrite, first. And I've never heard or seen any genuine remorse. There were weaponized apologies said so I'd apologize. There were backpedaling I'm sorrys which were more of defense and excuse. When anything is brought up to her, she denies or "can't remember."  So there's that. 

But let's say for argument, she at some point has a death bed conversion. Great. But that doesn't involve me. Should she apologize? Yes,  I would and have for my wrongs. But that still doesn't mean I'm obligated or responsible to do anything about it. She can ask to meet with me and I can say no. She can say sorry and I can choose whether or not to forgive. She can write me a letter which I may or may not read. But she  has never bothered so why would she now. I probably wouldn't read it because it would open up old wounds. 

So she needs to confess to get into heaven. Well, operative word, confess with real contrition. Even God's forgiveness isn't unconditional. He doesn't owe it and neither do I. If she was so concerned, she'd have have thought of that earlier instead of waiting till 84.  I'm not falling for some eleventh hour foxhole confession. That would not be about helping me. It would be her having fire insurance and soothing her conscience. But you have to actually listen to your conscience like you're always telling others to, Nan. 

If she'd wanted to help she have started ages ago. Instead she began as she meant to continue, with abuse and more abuse. And all this focus on what I should or shouldn't be doing just shows the problem more clearly. It was always ever about her and what she wanted, never me. Well, if you live your life selfishly mistreating others, you don't get to then dictate to them how they are supposed to treat you. She acted like she never owed me anything, I don't owe her. Reciprocity is what goes around comes around. 

The fact that I'm sitting here at 11:35 pm on a work day, writing out my apologia, instead watching a good mystery and petting my cat, demonstrates the problem. I give an eff, she doesn't. She's not agonizing about any of this. She's blissfully snoring away oblivious to the trauma she's caused while her daughter trauma nightmares all the blasted night long. While daughter pounds her keyboard trying to make some sense of her suffering that mom caused and then scorned.  Mom ignores her own conscience while daughter conscientiously tries work out what's right even by her abusive mother and the flying monkeys in her head! 

Well, one thing is certain is the chaotic life of mine. I'll never have a discussion about it with them. If God expects me to, well, he's going to have to work hard to show me. Because where I'm standing, it is a dangerous proposition for me. And I do not believe that forgiveness God's way is anything like the flying monkey Christians say it is. That way just leads to more suffering. So I don't not bear them ill will. I don't want to see bad things happen to them. I'm not vindictive.  And I'm also not backing down to them ever again. I'm not throwing myself on the shit puddle so milady can walk over me. What happened happened, dammit. That's my story. My reality. The reality. 

She will have to find her own way out of this web of deceit she's spun, or not. But spider's web is strong stuff, so yeah.  All I know is it's not my problem. If I go in trying to help, I'll get stuck too. I didn't ask to have to go no contact with them. They didn't leave me any alternative. I'm not closing the door. They did that repeatedly. I'm just not holding it open for them only for them to slam my hand in it agai. I'm not burning bridges I'm just not putting out the fires they start.  I'm letting slammed doors stay shut and keeping my wee little appendages safe.  I'm letting them incinerate all around them if that's what they're going to do. I couldn't stop it if I wanted to. And I'm tired of getting burned. If that means I'm "stooping to their level" or "not being the bigger person" or unforgiving, yeah, okay, I really don't care. I'm done. And I don't care who disagrees or disapproves. I'm not asking permission anymore. 

Weird childhood trauma responses around self-care from narcissist parent abuse and neglect

 Hi friends. Today on my path to heal from narcissist parent abuse and neglect, I'm looking at weird childhood trauma responses a child develops around money, spending and self-care. I've always been frugal and probably would have been even if not for the childhood neglect. But these trauma responses are not about fiscal prudence. They are unhealthy behaviors caused directly by financial abuse, medical neglect, endangerment, manipulative exploitation, invalidation and gaslighting by my four narcissist parents. 

Not knowing what I need or that I need it. We were not poor. My parents and their partners and other kids had plenty. I did not. I was expected to make do or do without so others could have more than they needed. Self-care was selfish. I had to ask permission of my dad's wife to get food out of the cupboard. In the house that I pretty much cleaned single-handedly. I learned early on not to ask. I grew up seeing others get what they needed and me going without. No one taught me how to provide for myself or that I should. I kind of learned by the seat of my pants and didn't do a very good job of it. 

Flawed understanding of obligation. They who actually did owe me care and nurturing, did not give it. And gaslit me that I was selfish to expect it. So I didn't. I was taught that my needs were selfish. That basic care was a luxury I didn't deserve. They owed me nothing. And out of the other side of their hypocritical mouths, came an endless list of all I owed them--more gaslighting. It was as if I was the parent and they my demanding children. But then flip-flopped back to the parent role when it suited. What you saw in my family looked like adult and child. It was actually a child-adult caring for a bunch of wayward, spoiled brats. And that twisted role reversal did not end with their deaths. I still hear echoes of my dad's shaming voice. And my mother still shows up only with her hand out, until I went no contact.  

Broken ideas about responsibility. Too much caring at my own expense. Mind you I was very good and providing for others. Both to those who were and those were not my responsibility to care for. I knew what my children AND my parents needed, as if I were mom to them all instead of the other way around. While they were egregiously irresponsible toward me. My parents and their spouses were perfectly happy with disastrous situation.. And I never knew this was wrong. 

Rule by chaos.  Nothing was ever stable or consistent. They'd flip the script again just when I was getting good at my role of mother to all. They didn't just want to be the children they wanted the privileges of being parents, without the work. They would suddenly rain down wrath about  how I was "disrespectful of" and disobedient to them as parents? Which of course I was. Cuz I got pretty good at lightning costume changes too. Dutiful daughter, scapegoat, nanny, chief cook and bottle washer, mommy's confidante, mommy's whipping girl. This constant chaos was to keep my confused and hoop hopping. I never knew what to expect because rules kept changing. 

Confused sense of mine and thine. I don't think of anything as mine. Most all my possessions were given to the other kids, or to the spouses or sold. Things tend to get "lost" when my mother shows up. Or broken. And I've never questioned why or how, till now. I believed the lies and gaslighting. Can you be too generous? Yep when you give away what you need for survival. Or when it is stolen from you and you learn not to question. Malignant narcissist parents ruin everything including property rights for a child. And overly giving empathetic child of selfish, greedy narcissist parents is a dangerous combination.

Never feeling good enough. I realized too late that I wasn't the problem. Instead of giving too little, as they said, I gave too much at my own expense. And took too little, except abuse for failing to please. But it's too late, because now the gaslighting has taken hold in my brain. .I always feel I've never given enough. And my selfish narcissist parents have been more than happy for me to believe this,  to take and take and demand more. 

Internalized dysfunctional malignant double standards as norm.  So gaslighting works like sulfuric acid, breaking down reserves, defenses and reality. I now have these wrong ideas implanted in my brain and I cannot rewire it. They are always right even if they're wrong. I am wrong even when I right. Somehow I was able to accept that what was terribly dangerous for others was fine for me. That what was good was not for me. That taught me that needs, rights, wants, hopes, a life of my own, choices, mistakes, the ability to say no were for others but not for me.  I find it very difficult to shake that notion and I'm terrified now to say no, stand up for my rights, pursue my wants or even meet my own needs. 

Bottomless pit black hole parents, too giving kid My parents were never satisfied with what I did or gave. And then I was expected to be satisfied with the few little bread crumbs they doled out occasionally.  There was "always room for improvement" when it came to me, while doing as little as possible for me and expecting me to be delighted. They refused to be grateful or even satisfied because they (who were arrogant AF) were afraid I'd get "conceited." They guilted, shamed kept demanding more. That's how they kept me in line because God forbid a child feel she has pleased her parents. But that wasn't even their real reason. They were afraid that if I felt good about anything,  I'd stop working so damn hard to please them. And if I found any confidence at all, their fake narcissistic fantasy through their gaslighting. And if I wasn't beaten down and exhausted all the time, I'd have energy to fight back and get out. This has caused a weird fawn response of hyperextending, to giving away too much to maybe make them happy. They never will be so might as well just accept that now. 

Empathy weaponized by narcissist parents. And somehow I managed to wrap my head around all the ick and be okay with it. I managed to navigate their chaos and stay afloat. I just kept forgiving and tolerating and you might think that would help. It didn't. It made them angry, I think because that they couldn't break me. The more loving and empathetic I was the worse I was treated. So I say it didn't break me, but here's a secret that I don't want them ever to know. Narcissists collect vulnerability like seashells. They store up intel and use it against you. Secret is, it did break me, in many little ways. It's death by a thousand cuts. And that's why I always default to people pleasing and placating. 

Normalized abuse, endangerment and neglect. 

Common necessities were withheld such as proper bed, bedroom, food, suitable and comfortable clothing, healthcare, period needs, glasses. If I needed something, I pretty much had to fend for myself. I was given on the bare minimum and then not even always that. I scavenged, wore old castoffs and have stolen food. I was a dumpster diver before there was a name for it. I've been cold a lot due to frequently lacking inadequate clothing. And too warm in summer when my mom put an air conditioner in her basement apartment with her boyfriend and didn't even provide a fan for the room I slept in with  her four foster children. And then, what I managed to secure for myself, was taken from me. I was called selfish for needing sanitary napkins. I was dismissed as showing off when I got sick. I was called disobedient and kicked out when I came home 15 minutes late. While they were fine with me sleeping on an unheated porch. I was called lazy by my stepfather (who had a firewood cutting business!) threw fuel oil or an old tire on the wood stove because he was too lazy to actually cut wood. My broken brain normalized it, again, as not for others but fine for me. I've always felt extreme guilty about even basic self care. It's taken me a long time to understand that my life was just as bad as abused and neglected kids I'd read about. That their stories were mine too. My parents had me so gaslit about what an ungrateful girl I was that I didn't see it as their cover for abuse. 

Terribly wrong notions of obligation. I heard a lot about my obligations to them and nothing of theirs to me. They were more preoccupied telling me what to do than doing it. I heard a lot of "you shoulds" that they didn't. Two sets of rules. This wormed it's way into me and now it's so bad I even feel obligated to let people hurt me. As if to protect myself is somehow selfish? That I must keep their dirty secrets because to tell what THEY DID is somehow wicked of me. There was so much varied repeated abuse and neglect from all four of them, that I was drowning. They buried me under it. But to defend myself , they said was wrong?? I developed emotional leprosy in which I was unable to feel anything besides diffuse constant pain. So I couldn't protect myself.  I kept getting more and more scarred. 

But it wasn't normal, healthy or what I deserved. I deserved better. It wasn't my fault. Children do not "bring on" parental abuse or neglect any more than they cause it to rain. Abusive parents abuse because they are selfish, arrogant, cruel bullies who want everyone to think they are above the rules. They aren't but even as I say that, I admit it's devilishly hard to believe. Because the devil doesn't want me to and neither did my narcissistic parents.  Taking care of myself, not allowing them to harm me feels uncomfortable as hell. Which might be a place to start. If people who are supposed to love you, just exploit and misuse you, they don't love you. They don't have your best interest at heart. They aren't safe. There's no living with or talking to extreme malignant narcissists. There's just giving in to them which is what I've done to my own detriment and which only made them act worse.  They will not suddenly see the light. Or maybe they will, either way it's not my job to burn my handle on the candle showing them the way. So there's only getting out and going no contact. Which is what I've done. It's not how I wanted it but then neither was my time with them. I didn't ask for all this. And I'm just doing the best I can, now finally for me. That's alll that's left to me. 

How even loving people gaslight and further abuse, abused and traumatized children

 Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal from narcissist parent abuse, I'm exploring ways even loving people gaslight and perpetuate further abuse in traumatized kids. Many of these are quite common and even accepted practices, in fact. Even (and especially) religious groups which are supposed to help, will often gaslight the abused child and cause more pain. Here's how. 

Making excuses for abusive parents is gaslighting and abusive "They meant well." "They didn't mean it." "They were just doing the best they could." "She was having a bad day." "He's just depressed." It's quite ironic that the same people who find all kinds of reasons to defend an adult mistreating a child will find fault with the child for how she handles the abuse! If she reports it, is angered about it or even cries, they will shame and shut her down. Which is how the narcissist parent is already gaslighting the child. They hold the young vulnerable victim to much higher standards that they hold the adult perpetrator. 

Minimizing a child's experiences is gaslighting and abusive. One of the worst things that happens is when an abused child finally scrapes up the courage to tell someone, she is pooh-poohed, told  it's not that bad. They, with condescending superciliousness, suggest maybe she's exaggerating. And even loving people will do this, out of some silly notion that they are helping the child feel better. BY DISMISSING HER PAIN. They tell themselves they're helping her but they are only making themselves feel better and making the child feel worse. What they are doing is invalidating, insulting her intelligence, demeaning her, dismissing her feelings, and denying reality. Not her reality, real factual reality. They know that the behaviors the child is reporting are wrong in everyone's reality. 

Soothing a child is gaslighting and further abuse. I'm talking about the there-there-ing, head pat kind of soothing. Since when did telling someone not to cry, it's okay, blah-blah make anything better? It's not soothing the child, it's silencing her. It's comforting the adult who, with minimal effort has assured herself she's made the child feel better. It's soothing their own consciences for not helping and lying to themselves that they are. It's putting a pacifier in the child's mouth when she needs to be fed. Childhood trauma can't be soothed away with a backrub or hug. That takes more work, that most people find inconvenient. It takes confronting the perpetrator which most people are afraid to do. Soothing tells the child she's the problem because she's the one crying. And it just puts the burden back on the child to placate the adult by reassuring them that oh yes, she feel so much better when they are making her feel even worse. 

Patronizing or condescending is gaslighting and further abuse. Parroting unhelpful nonsense, spouting smarmy platitudes, making pointless shallow comments as if the child had never thought of that, passing off trite useless aphorisms as wise advice.  Making obvious observations.  "Well, she IS your dad." And? What's your point, oh right, to guilt me into being even more obsequious to him and letting him get away with even more. What I would say is, he may be your dad but he's not acting like it. 

Undermining a child is gaslighting and further abusive. Reinterpreting or interpreting the child's words, saying stupid things like "you don't really mean that, do you?" Or "maybe you just misunderstood her?" Or twisting the child's words back against her. "You really shouldn't say things like that about your mother." As if the problem is the child reporting it and not the parent doing it. And the child who did actually mean that, experience it, and who already feels bad having to tell on mom, now believes she is the problem. She questions her own experience because she's afraid to contradict the adult ABOUT HER OWN FEELINGS AND EXPERIENCES! 

Blaming and shaming a child is gaslighting and further abuse. No matter and especially how sweetly you say it. Hinting the child has failed but not saying how or what could be done differently. "You're so lucky to have a good stepmother." As if the child is some kind of ungrateful brat for not knowing what her demanding stepmother expects now. "Well you did provoke her." When the parent smacked child across the head for just saying she did not want mom's boyfriend to move in. Making passive-aggressive accusations but cloaking them as innocent suggestions. "Could you try just being a little nicer to her?" Or "God says to forgive." As if the child isn't already being too nice and too forgiving. 

Believe me, these are the worst possible thing you could do. Because the child's parents are already minimizing their own behavior and invalidating the child's feelings. These are big reasons many children don't tell on their abusive parents even into adulthood: fear of not being believed. Of being blamed for "telling secrets." Of disobeying or being disrespectful or disloyal. Of feeling or being told she's exaggerating, showing off for attention, being too sensitive and all the other gaslighting nonsense she's already being told at home. 

What the child needs is an advocate. An empathetic listener. She needs to know she can count on someone for support. She needs someone to sit with her and hold space. She needs to be believed and told she is believed. She needs demonstration of belief not some backhanded, two-faced feigned support which is actually not support but punishment.  It's about what she needs, not the would-be helper's need to feel superior. Her abuse is not a commodity to cash in on for some ego boost. 

How church teaching gaslights and DARVOs child victims of narcissist parent abuse

Hello my friends. Today in my mission to heal from narcissist parent abuse, I'm looking at how church teaching gaslights and DARVOs (denies, attacks reverse victim offenders child victims of parent abuse. In some cases even the Bible seems to but usually it's due to preachers getting it wrong. Sometimes it's due to carelessness or failure to listen. And sometimes ministers (rabbis, priests, imams, etc.) purposely weaponize religious teaching to shelter parent abuse by blaming the child victim. 

How does the church gaslight abused kids? In several ways. First, religious leaders will abuse their power to place themselves above rules. They preach to others and not themselves. They abuse their role to make themselves an authority over rather than shepherd of the people. They misrepresent scripture. And parishioners give them too much control and will listen to the word of the preacher over their own common sense. Or the word of their own child. Religious leaders can be very arrogant, bossy, hypocritical and out of touch. They sometimes make a mountain of the trivial and trivialize the monumental.

Take for example the commandment of children to respect their parents. This is often taught in isolation from fuller texts which command the parent not to lead their astray or cause them frustration. The instructions further imply and state that the parent  must first be respectful to the child, must model obedience to God and to family and has proved worthy of respect. The Bible also says that a parent owes a child love and care first before demanding respect and obedience. Actually a loving parent doesn't demand respect at all. They earn it. But the narcissist parent only highlights what is owed to them and downplays their responsibility to God and their children. There are dire Biblical warnings against that which the church all too frequently omits to mention. 

All this is exactly what the narcissist parents are already doing to their children. They put burdens on their kids that they don't carry. And then both the church and the narcissist parents cherry pick bits of scripture to hyperfocus on to the exclusion of essentials. They select Bible passages that seem to support their agenda while conveniently ignoring and even twisting things that don't fit. Narcissist parents already twist everything to their purpose and blame their children for their own behavior. And then discipline her for things they themselves are doing, saying they're just obeying the command not to spare the rod. But the arrogant, entitled, manipulative parent is not in a fit state to discipline the child. It them that deserve the rod. 

They exploit their position of adult and parent to shield their own behavior. They even say things like "do as I say, not as I do." Which of course is a complete middle finger to church teaching. And they don't want the child to obey because it's good for her. Or because it's something God or society expects. They want absolute power and control because they are arrogant control freaks who play God. They want free reign to do as they wish while drowning the child in demands, rules and expectations they gaslight her are from God. 

The narcissist parent preaches repentance to everyone else. But she herself is not repentant, respectful to her own parents, to her child, to anyone. She flouts authority. She uses the rod scripture as an excuse to punish. By targeting the child, she is keeping focus on herself as the victim, the righteous one while also shielding her own wicked ways. She is deflecting blame on the child and away from the fact that she actually caused the child to do these things. She never mentions her own hand in problems. She disobeys God and gaslights the child and God that it's perfectly okay for her to do so. Sometimes the child hasn't even done the things she's being punished for. The mother makes it up as she goes along to suit her purposes. Then lies and frames the child. 

And the church furthers the problem by reiterating to kids ad nauseum about their responsibility to their parents. Church leaders just blindly and naively assume that parents are good and worthy of respect and trust. They preach the same message to abused, neglected and mistreated children as they do wo properly cared for kids without taking their circumstances into consideration. Because context matters. Some will even gaslight the child that it doesn't matter what the parent does. The child MUST obey. Which is exactly what the abusive parents say. They who are adults can behave as badly as they want but the still developing child must always be perfect.  

Because the parents also preach the scriptures as if they are only written to the child and not first to the parent. They conveniently omit the fact that the parents themselves are also children. And the church seems to teach this too. No ever seems to check the parents and where a good parent doesn't need to be told this, a bad one will exploit it. The parents seems to hold all the cards and the child just assumes that these people are correct because they are adults. She figures it's all on her, that she owes without being owed. 

But even a cursory Bible reading shows so many scriptures that are weaponized by parents against kids are either completely mistaught or have vital parts omitted. 2 Corinthians 12:14 says "For children are not obligated to save up for their parents, but parents for their children." This includes providing care for their children, humbling themselves and being more accountable to rules instead of less. But my parents did the opposite. They expected and expect to be cared for while telling me I was owed nothing from them. 

So when a child grows and ends up making the unenviable choice to cut contact with her abusive parents, very often church leaders and fellow Christians will shame that child for disrespecting and turning her back on her aging parent. But they never stop to find out why. They don't consider that the parent cut contact with the child when she was young. They disrespected and turned their backs on her all her life. And she only ultimately made this decision out of necessity. And she didn't actually cut ties, she just didn't hold open doors they kept slamming in her face. She let doors stay closed. 

The church needs to be a lot more careful with these abused children. It needs to stop  holding them accountable to parents who were never held accountable to their children. It needs to understand that not all children were raised with love and expecting them to do things that are dangerous is unconscionable. It needs to stop holding her to things that she can't and shouldn't do.  It needs to stop hiding its eyes against parental abuse. 

Degrading fawn responses narcissist parent abuse conditions in scapegoat eldest daughters

 Hello my friends. I'm on a path toward coming to terms with narcissist parent abuse from four narcissists, two biological parents and two step parents. Today I'm exploring the humiliating fawn responses that narcissist parent groom in their children, particularly eldest daughters. And particularly if that oldest daughter happened to be the oldest and only child of divorced parents, as I was. It is the ultimate gaslighting and resembles cult indoctrination or emotional waterboarding more than anything resembling childhood. 

This subjugating of girls more prevalent in the time I grew up (1960s-1970s) than it is now, thankfully. But even then, I saw few other girls so degraded and demanded of by their parents. I had far more chores and expectations than anyone else I knew. Most of them constituted parentification, being made to raise their other children, co-sleep with them and do for them what were their parents' jobs. I was loaded down with heavy housework too young. I wasn't even given proper tools that if my parents were doing it, would have been provided: mopping floors on hands and knees, lugging a huge vacuum, scaling snow piles to take frozen diapers off the line. Being made to be sounding board to all my parents' inappropriate over-sharing, dumping and guilting. While being stuck in dangerous, unhealthy, unsanitary situations and being deprived of food, rest, comfort medical help, etc. These are just fragments of the many, disturbing things I was made to do. 

If you need a more complete picture, check out some of my other posts. But what I'm focusing on today is how all this enslavement, abuse, neglect and invalidation trained me in very debilitating fawn responses. These trauma responses are core, muscle memory reactions that I've brought with me unconsciously into what passes for adulthood. Parentified children do not grow up normal and are lacking most of the essential transition skills. And oldest daughters are so much more commonly parentifed. In short we look and often act too adult but we do it with damaged child brain. 

These trauma responses learned in our narcissist family cults do not transition well to real life. They make us look foolish and inept and pathetic.  As the scapegoat eldest child and only child of my divorced narcissist parents and oldest daughter and child of them with their new also narcissistic partners, I didn't stand a chance. These are fawn responses they groomed in me. Traumatized kids of both genders exhibit fawn responses but they are more predominant in females or kids that identify as female.  But it is worst for cis gender females born prior to the 90s (give or take). They much more frequently were cast as family scapegoat/caregiver and even parent figure. And here's what we do now. 

1) Auto deferment to others. If anyone anywhere tells me to do something one way and I do it another, I feel intense shame and anxiety. If I say one thing and they say another I always feel wrong. It's knee-jerk. What made me aware of this was last night when my husband suggested to me how he cuts pizza and I didn't follow that. He wasn't ordering me around at all. But I immediately went into defend-apology fawn mode for "disobeying." I instantly felt like I'd failed basic pizza cutting. It wasn't about the pizza. It was about the fact that at 61, I'm still deferring to others on everything. 

2) Pervasive shame-based self-subjugation, even in dreams. I have endless trauma dreams and nightmares every single night. Very frequently, I'm in a strange situation with unfamiliar people usually children, in which I'm expected to do impossible tasks, preparing mountains of food, cleaning filthy places while caring for dozens of kids in dangerous places, alone. I'm having to teach groups of kids with chaos. And someone is always angry or scolding on how I'm doing it, while not lifting a finger to help. They are actually making the situation unsafe. Even at 61 years old, I am always the learner, the servant who, while having to do these impossible tasks with no help or instruction. And who is then always faulted for not doing it "right." Even though I'm doing an amazing job considering. But all I feel is shame and failure. These are memories.  

3) Fear-based silence and compliance. I go along with things I don't agree with, feel up to, or even can do, out of fear of reprisal. I go along to get along. Making waves terrifies me because I was terrorized by arrogant narcissist parents into thinking that "disobedience" to them was the ultimate in mortal sins. So I let them get away with all manner of egregious, outrageously wrong things. 

4) I cannot say no. The thought of refusing sickens me. I choke on the word. I feel my stomach clenching just considering not doing what I am told. No matter how awful it makes me feel or how bad it is for me or how stupid the thing is. 

5) Struggles with authority. Not the rebellious kind. I've never rebelled even when I should have. I am overly humble to it. Even the person is not in authority over me. Even if they're just an arrogant blowhard. I react like a cowed, frightened child. I'm a grown adult.  I've raised a family, taught many children and cared for a baker's dozen of grandkids. I've been married for almost 40 years. But I still think a lot like a child who has been traumatized by manipulative, cruel bullies. Because I was. 

6) Perma-grin. Also called the childhood trauma grimace, this is an instinctual placatory smile I pull. I've caught myself in my phone camera doing it. I flinch at any sound. I jump to ingratiate anything anyone says. I laugh at jokes that aren't funny so feelings won't be hurt. I humor and soothe and defend and do for even if I've nothing to give. I'm hypervigilant, over protective and always willing to body block anyone from harm. Because I always had to. 

7) Emotional leprosy. I've been burned and cut and kicked and shocked so many times that I don't have normal self-protection skills. My nerve endings are damaged and don't register suffering until it is too late. A therapist once told me that I have a "scary high and dangerous pain tolerance." 

8) Constant self-austerity. I make sure everyone has what they need or want and by the time I get around to myself there's nothing left. That happened quite frequently at home. As a kid, I was so busy serving selfish demanding people that by the time I went to get my own dinner there was none left. Because my narcissist parents didn't even provide enough. So I went hungry. I do without warmth so someone can have the blanket. I sleep on the edge of the bed. I give my coat away and then get sick from being soaked in the rain. I go short on sleep so others can have theirs. I don't say when something is so painful to me that I can't walk. I've sat in hard church pews, that back conditions created by child abuse, make uncomfortable and then limped away. I once went to a conference and after about an hour I was crippled  with pain. I sat there all day long and didn't dare get up or walk around. It was only when a friend asked how my back was that I finally admitted to myself it was screaming with pain. It took till 3am for it to calm down. Because learned in childhood to power past pain and not tell the adults who were causing it. 

9) Existing on the edge. I live in the leftover scraps of cookie dough so others can have the choice center section. I take the pieces that fell on the floor. I eat garbage so others can feast. I keep giving long after I've run out of things to give. I am hungry, cold, exhausted, burned out and still oppressed by guilt for not giving enough.