The most sickening feeling in CPTSD from parental narcissistic abuse

 Hey my friends. Before I get started today, let me just take a moment to say thank you. Deeply. For reading and hearing me. Working to recover (or just be aware of) the CPTSD I suffer from as a result of chronic parental narcissistic abuse is THE hardest thing I've ever done. Burying two babies was the most painful. This is the most complicated.

I always have to start with a quick backstory in case this is the first post you're  reading. In my growing years, I was shunted between four narcissistic adults (two bio and then their partners and spouses) after my parents split. In 1970  Michigan, this was very unusual. There was constant abuse of one form and another, neglect, endangerment, abandonment (like leaving me alone in strange cities), exploitation, parentification, invalidation, scapegoating and gaslighting about it all. 

I only just began to really look at this about a year ago. I knew things were weird and bad but I always believed it was down to unfortunate situations or, more usually, my fault. I believed I brought abuse (sexual, physical, emotional, financial, religious) on myself. I believed because they told me, that I was the problem. But also, weirdly,  I was expected to provide the solution.   That's the parentification and scapegoating. 

I'll try to explain. So, being very immature and self-centered, my bio parents expected me to take care of them. They did not take care of me. I was left to my own devices a lot. In strange places. Now juxtapose that with the care I was expected to provide them. As young as 4, or as far back as I can remember, I've taken the brunt of their issues. My father used to unload his crap, including suicidal feelings, onto me, at 5. My mom dumped all her sexual ick on me. She used to say we were more like sisters and once told my daughter that sometimes she needed me to be her mom. 

If I failed to provide whatever they wanted, there was hell to pay. Then they divorced and brought other demanding, narcissistic people into my life who exploited, manipulated and scapegoated me some more. Then they had kids who I was expected to parent. There were ever-changing, yet constant demands that varied depending on which configuration I was living with at the time. This on-going expectation has never stopped even when I had a family of my own. The level of care demanded was boggling. 

But, being black holes every one, they were never satisfied. In all the care, housework, childcare, giving, being stolen from, being taken advantage of (actually being scammed by them several times) being the token target and scapegoat, I never heard a word of thanks. In fact, what I  heard was all the ways I'd let them down. They gaslit me into thinking I was such a burden to them that they'd have to kick me out of the  house to protect their other children (whom I was sharing a room with and getting up at night with, since they were babies). 

My dad, his wife and my mom's husband would blow normal teen stuff way out of proportion and rage at me. My mom would triangulate him against me then take his part. Mind you,  my mom's husband never worked, slept all the time he wasn't smoking or yelling, and was too lazy even to cut wood for the woodstove. He'd put oil or tires on it. They were living on my dad's child support. My dad was even worse, if that were possible. He made me his new wife's servant, surrogate spouse, surrogate parent and scapegoat. 

He once beat me, at 14, in front of everyone because I wasn't happy enough about being moved out of my room and into a tiny closet of a bedroom with the baby. So his wife could have a suite of a room to herself and not have to be bothered getting up with the baby. I was also expected to work in their adult foster care home like a hired hand. Except that I wasn't paid. My mom did the same thing...had a foster care home with four special needs kids I was expected to share a room with and care for while she and her boyfriend slept in their little "apartment" in the basement. 

So a lot of inappropriate expectations put on me which was confusing enough. But then when I "failed" they came down on me with the wrath of God. The littlest thing or nothing at all, was magnified into a national crisis. It was so damn confusing. I felt responsible for them all, as if the entire fam damily would fall apart without  me. As if there were no adults besides me who wasn't an adult.

And yet there was NO FAMILY for me. They had blown that apart by the divorce. They made it perfectly clear that I had no family. That I was lucky they let me be part of their new ones. It is such a bloody narcissistic fantasy. That you can break up a family, ignore, actually divorce the child in that family. And then start over as if nothing ever happened. There are no do-overs in families. Just a lot of broken pieces left behind which I am many. 

And that contradiction caused some of the most baffling and sickening feelings associated with CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder). And that is anxiety, insecurity, constant second-guessing, from a constant state of chaos. I never trust a single thing I think, believe, feel, want or need. I think I was finally pleasing them only to find out, oh f*** no you effed up again, kid. When I did EXACTLY WHAT THEY EXPECTED. It was a lose-lose situation. 

I cannot begin to express the depths of self-disgust I feel. I say that I know now that they were wrong. It wasn't me. Too much was expected of me and not enough good given to me. But that does not stop the internal gas lighting and self-doubt. It feels like a riptide or flood that I cannot swim out of. It is overwhelming and all encompassing. I feel sick to my stomach just writing about it. 

So the only thing I can do is fake it till I make it. Pretend I believe that I'm not the cause of everyone's problems. I know it sounds so ludicrous even as I say it. No one could be the cause of everyone's problems. That's so ridiculously exaggerated. But that is narcissism. And that's what abuse, neglect, endangerment, scapegoating, abandonment, exploitation and invalidation do to your brain. 

Probably the most heartbreaking feeling of CPTSD

Hello my beloved friends. If you've been following, you'll know I've been wandering in some some completely uncharted territory in my memory and experience. I've really looked for the first time at things that happened and have happened throughout my life, involving abuse, neglect, exploitation, manipulation, triangulation, parentification, abandonment, endangerment, shaming, invalidating, scapegoating, gaslighting and more, from four parents. 

What got me started was weirdly Reddit, particularly posts on AITA by kids experiencing these things now only with words to identify what is happening. These triggered a tidal wave of memories from beginning 60 years ago up to now, of abuses for which I didn't have words for. And a comment by a very much loved young lady in my life, helped identify further, what is probably the most heart-breaking feeling in all of this. 

And you might be surprised by what it is. How about anger? Is that the worst? It's a difficult one for sure. There's a lot of shaming against expression of anger by people who can't or won't understand. Perpetrators of child abuse use it masterfully to shame the poor kids they are hurting. Narcissists adore whistle-blowing on their "angry" victims because it takes the blame off them and onto the "angry" person. My vindictively, viciously, venomously angry parents loved to blame shift their poison onto me. The calmer I stayed the more they threw at me till I cracked and then they nailed me. If I didn't crack they lied and said I did. Same net result. And I don't know if abused kids can ever really feel the anger we probably should feel. But that's not the worst. 

Is it fear? Absolutely there's that. Abuse of various kinds, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, shaming, invalidating, backstabbing, scapegoating, parentifying by parents causes unspeakable terror. Fear that is so chokingly prevalent but so dangerous to express that it goes deep into bone marrow. And sits there lurking. It's the worst kind of fear because the monster is real. 

But that's not the worst. So is it shame? Oh without a doubt, shame grows where abuse goes. Sick, pit of the stomach self-disgust that is gaslit into you by people repeatedly hurting you with smiles on their faces. It's utterly confusing, being told right is wrong when you do it and wrong is right when they do it. I'll spend the rest of my life having to repeat to myself "it's not you. Shameful things were done TO you." Lather, rinse, repeat. Now I think of it, that is the worst too. 

But the feeling that, I think is the most heartbreaking, is loneliness. Every Advent and Lent, I ask God to give me a focus for prayer and two years ago, He gave me lonely people. Gave it to me in such a way that my empath self was shattered with grief for the lonely. This was before I really started exploring my past experiences. Now I see that I was one of the lonely included in that group. 

Why is loneliness so sad? Because it is so damn vulnerable. It puts us at abusers' mercy. It puts us at everyone's mercy. We  take shit we oughtn't to, because we want not to feel loved and with someone. IN a way, it's the distillation of all the other shitty feelings.  Fear causes anger (or frustration or a triggered  reaction or stress or anxiety) which causes shame which causes fear, you know the pattern. And then, bad people use this to excuse scapegoating, shaming, excluding, exploiting, abandoning, etc. 

We are lonely because we have driven people away. In my case, it was my "sin and disobedience" that apparently made me untouchable. They had to keep me from others because I was so nasty and toxic. In short, if I was lonely I'd only myself to blame.  Completely ignoring the fact that their actions had brought out all this. I had been LEFT TO PLAY ALONE since I was 4. I had been LEFT OUT of everything except the heavy lifting. I had been EXCLUDED (cut out, excised, erased) from family when my birth parents broke up our family and started "their own" families with no room for me. Except again for the heavy lifting. 

There's an old saying, "alone but not lonely." Which I do think is possible. What CPTSD kids experience is alone AND lonely. We do not know what it is like to be loved. We don't know what trust even looks like, let alone when it's safe or not safe to trust. We are left to figure things out alone as preschoolers. We are shamed and told we're a nuisance if we ask for help. Or even just inadvertently show that we need it. 

We grow up knowing that we annoy, irritate and upset people. We not only get in the way, we ARE in the way. We are obstacles to good things in others' lives. So why would we not separate ourselves? We do not want to cause problems for mommy, daddy, new mommy or new daddy, would we? We are the albatross around the neck, the millstone dragging others down. Through no act of our own. Just by being ourselves. It's a twisted, perverted version of Mister Rogers. Instead of us making each day a special day, just by being, we make each day miserable. Just by being. 

But hearing this lovely lady whom I love talking about feeling lonely, makes me think. And it makes me righteously angry as well as heartbroken. It's time to stop this nasty CPTSD gaslighting in it's tracks. It's time to turn the tables and show it up for what it really is. Kiddo, if you've been abuse and shamed into thinking you're the problem, you're not. Abusers abuse because of something in them. Invalidators invalidate because they are broken. You aren't the millstone. They put one on you. 

My "family" put millstones around my neck in the form of angry, bitter, abusive people they had pitted against me and allowed to victimize me. They had become millstones by always taking the other's part and never supporting me. They made me the fall guy for things they had done. They'd left me dangling, exposed and vulnerable. They had abandoned me for boyfriends, girlfriends and their new kids. They had cut me off from the loving people in my life. They'd tried to poison us against each other. 

I wasn't a failure because I didn't serve or parent them as I should. They put wrong expectations on me to serve and parent. A child is a family member, not unpaid staff. A child is not a surrogate spouse. A child is not a parent, either to their parents or other children. A child is not a scapegoat because there is no such thing. There's no thing or person who can take the weight of another's actions on herself. If a scapegoat is needed, it's because the parent has done shameful things that he and she should be confessing, not lying about, covering and pinning on an innocent victim. 

If you are feeling loneliness and isolation, take a look at why. Are you actually doing things to alienate? If so, try to figure out what those things might be and work to stop doing them. Do you prefer being alone? That's okay.  Or have you been brainwashed into thinking you don't deserve any better? That people are better off without you? 

That my loved one, is complete bollocks! We need you. You matter. 

Why endangerment and parentification might be the worst or at least the weirdest form of child abuse

 Hi friends, I realized re-reading my last posts that I didn't actually answer the question I set out to, which how endangerment, including parentification, might be the worst form of child abuse. I answered why parents endanger kids and how they get away with it. I was raised by four narcissistic parents (two bio and their spouses) who routinely abused, neglected, abandoned, endangered, scapegoated, exploited, manipulated, invalidated, shamed and parentified me and then gaslit me about it all. 

Today I'm looking at why endangerment and parentification (which are similar) are if not the worst and least the weirdest and scariest form of child abuse. This is not to discount or compete with the experiences of a child who has experienced other forms of child abuse. This is not a race for last place. Because really all the forms have similar roots. They are perpetrated on a helpless child victim by selfish, arrogant, screwed up, narcissistic, immature people. 

So first what is endangerment? For the full explanation of what endangerment is and isn't see my other posts. Synopsis is it's willfully and consistently subjecting the child to dangerous situations and people for selfish reasons. Examples of endangerment in my life included making me play alone with no adult supervision, often in strange places (because we moved so much). And several times even leaving me behind on trips of significant length with strangers. It also included bringing very dangerous adults into  my life, expecting me to obey, serve and wait on them and then allowing them to harm, humiliate and threaten me while quietly approving and often joining in. 

And piggybacking on that was the parentification. If you're  new to the term parentification, it means expecting the child to be the adult and parent the parents and in my case their new spouses and other children. My two biological parents were very needy even with me. They confided terrible things to me, such as my father's plans to commit suicide, when I was 5. And my mother's affairs and sexual exploits after divorcing my dad. And then cutting me out of their new families except to expect me to raise their new kids. And allowing their boyfriends, girlfriends and new spouses to routinely shame, abuse, neglect, exploit, manipulate, scapegoat and parentify me. 

The creepy, sick part of endangerment and parentification , is how it messes with a child's mind. We are sooooo vulnerable to gaslighting. They're not really hurting you. You're too sensitive. It's her right because she's your "mother" (stepmother). It's his right because it's "his" home (when it was actually my mom's and my house that she moved her boyfriend into. Our kids are your siblings thusly you have to serve, wait on and raise them. Guilt layered on shame layered on lies layered on inappropriate expectations till I ended up brain damaged, dissociated and completely cut off from reality. It was very much like living in a cult. 

It's also so difficult because hides in plain sight. Other family members are gaslit into not believing the evidence of their eyes. And if they do, and say something, boom, the parents cut them off from the child. In my case, by moving me across the country to Alaska (not for work, for a narcissistic fantasy) thousands of miles from my other family. 

Also, the narcissist parents are VERY good at manipulative tactics: lying, faking, covering, denying, twisting and distorting. And because they get VERY angry when their self-driven version is not accepted. It is NOT safe to question or speak up. In my case, it was terrifyingly dangerous. My dad once beat me when I was 13, for not being "cheerful" enough about being moved out of my room and into a tiny room with his and his wife's new baby. This is part of parentification with the servant/scapegoat/surrogate spouse and parent crap added in. 

My mother left me, at 11, for a week to care for her four special needs foster care kids all under age 5. One was a severely abused infant. She left her dangerous, unemployed, sexually abusive, venomously angry boyfriend with me. He slept on couch and lit into me one night when I couldn't comfort the baby. He lied to my mother and said that I "shook the baby." I've lived with that horrible shame ever since. When she got home she believed her boyfriend and docked my pay. Then she let him kick me out of the house when I was 16. He was still unemployed and so lazy that he poured fuel oil on the fire because he hadn't cut wood. Yet me coming in an hour late was grounds (illegally, I might add) for removal.  I believed that BS for decades. 

And because these types of people have the child so gaslit and bewildered that they believe that no one will believe them. I now know that if I had reported just one of these incidents, they would have been investigated and possible arrested. But all four of these "parents" lied,  denied or weaponized it to further shame me. My mother justified leaving me with kids at 11 because I "wanted to earn the money." Which she docked and then never paid me. Then when I, under duress, confronted her, she flat out lied and said she would never have left me alone with the kids because she would have lost her  license. 

So I was left with a broken brain chockful of scary, traumatic, shameful  memories of which I never told anyone at the time. Even into adulthood, I believed that everything that happened was in some way my fault. Or that it never happened and I  made it up. I see now it wasn't and I didn't. But old sins, especially of parents against children, cast long shadows. 

Why endangerment and gaslighting about it, is the worst form of child abuse

 Hi friends. If you've been following, you know that I'm working to recover from a lifetime of parental abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, scapegoating, invalidation, toxic shaming, parentification and gaslighting about it all. I experienced this from four parents (two bio and their two partners whom I used to call stepparents but now don't). 

Today I'm looking at why endangerment and then gaslighting about it, might be the worst form of child abuse. I include in endangerment, parentification (making the child parent the parents and other children). There are many reasons why this child abuse is so bad, but I think the biggest is how it destroys the child's sense of self. Depending on the age that endangerment begins, it can damages the self-concept before it even begins to form. 

When I talk about endangerment, I'm not talking about open to interpretation situations. All parents have probably done the occasional thing that others might question. Leaving kids in the car during a snowstorm, to mail a letter 12 steps from the car. These are mistakes at worst and don't happen regularly and seem to be in the kids' best interest. 

The endangerment I'm talking about is knowingly and willful, as in the parent goes out of her way to, put her child in vulnerable, scary, icky, exploitative, hurtful situations. This endangering parent leaves the child alone in the car to take a girl to a clinic to have an abortion. Or a 4 year old to wander blocks away alone. Or a 5 -year old play in a park blocks from home where a convicted pedophile has been known to frequent. Or a 6- year-old alone to play at a marina not knowing where mom is. This is consistent endangerment, not accidental or unwitting. There is no emergency or excuse. The parent isn't working and can't afford care. In my situation, both parents were unemployed. 

Endangerment also goes beyond neglect. The parent purposely exposes his daughter to unsafe people and often triangulates (pits the unsafe adult against) his child. The mother leaves her daughter unsupervised at far too young an ages. The parents absent themselves, are unapproachable and unavailable. They place the child in uncomfortable situations with sketchy people. 

They are unavailable because they don't want the child to rely on them as parents. They shame the child for needing them. They behave as if they want the child to be injured, molested, abducted or worse. It's not just that they don't care what happens. Or are too oblivious, such as the drunk parent. They manufacture dangerous situations to leave the vulnerable child in. And then fault the child if something does happen, saying the child caused it. Or they seem to sickly gloat or take pleasure in it, such as when the boyfriend or new wife humiliate the child.  Or they weaponize for their own ends. Or get irrationally angry at being inconvenienced.  Or they act cold and unmoved even by things like sexual assault. Or all of the above. 

Children with good, loving parents are abducted literally under their parents' noses. Even with everyone watching and caring, accidents occur. Children of  vigilant parents come to grief. Loving parents who want their children, have them taken from them. So how did I who was exposed to threat almost daily, survive?? Seriously, I have more far, far more memories of dangerous situations with no parent around, than of normal loving safety. In fact, I really don't know what that looks like. 

And no one ever knew so how could they help me? People I've told as an adult have shaken their heads shocked that I survived relatively unscathed.  Don't get me wrong. There were many times I was hurt, exploited and traumatized. But for all the endangerment, it could have been a lot worse. It was not for their lack of trying however. One person aptly asked "were they trying to get you killed??" Which gets me back to why endangerment is the worst child abuse. 

Four reasons: First, parents are good at hiding it. My parents (before and after they were divorced) moved around a lot. They've been homeless and on the run. Really. From child abuse charges and legal trouble. They've squatted. But they were good at making it all look quasi-legit. Enough to keep relatives from looking too closely. And when anyone did, they moved far enough away to avoid prying eyes. 

All of which should have been a clue but for reason two: it hides in plain sight. What I mean is that in my situation, my parents looked like normal people. Well sort of. If you looked at what they were really doing and not their gaslighting version, it's clear, in the pictures of me alone and in the trauma in my face. 

And endangerment like I lived with is so bizarre that no one expects it. You really can't make this shit up. No one in any place I've lived did anything like this. I think my grandparents, aunts and uncles had no idea because they themselves would never do anything like this. And who was going to tell them? Me? I was too young to know how weird it was. And I'd have kept quiet to protect mommy and daddy. 

Which is also reason three. Abusive parent rely on kids keeping quiet. They gaslight us into thinking its not weird and that no one would believe us anyway. Which is kind of an oxymoron. If it's not weird, why would no one believe us if we told? And that loved ones would think I was lying. As if! And that saying something is disloyal. The gaslighting is real. 

Reason four is covered in the previous post. Sorry. I'm just so shell-shocked from writing all of this I can't write anymore. 

How my parents were able to get away with all the neglect, abuse and endangerment

This piggybacks on the post that comes after this. I added them in the wrong order. That post discusses. why endangerment might be the worst form of child abuse. Because the worst part is the destruction of the self, or really, the never developing a sense of self as separate from others. I then discussed how and why endangerment is so insidious. I gave four reasons but only discussed three. Here's reason four. My two incredibly narcissistic parents were enabled by their healthy loving parents, but for understandable reasons. Yes, weird, I know. Here's how and why. 

So before my parents divorced (and hooked up with other selfish, abusive partners) they were already pretty entrenched in abandonment and endangerment of me. Their behavior as adults and then as parents was pretty sketchy and fringy. I have very few memories of them actually caring for me. I always spent a lot of time alone or with others, some I knew and some I didn't. I was left to wander and don't remember parents around. We moved a lot. They were at various times unemployed, homeless, on the run and have squatted. 

Then when I was 5, they got the bright idea (which they always said was God calling) to go to Alaska as missionaries. They had zero training, higher education, prior ministerial experience or even really very good people skills. They were going to go tell others how to live their lives without even having a home, job or caring for their child. They weren't supported by any church. They church shopped a lot. In fact, the one they happened to be in (Baptist, I think) said, unequivocally, no! Do not do this. You are not missionaries and there is no mission field in Alaska. But they sold everything and off we went. 

Which gets to reason four why endangerment is so terrible. And this is the hardest to write about, by far. Earlier I wrote that I didn't understand it as endangerment because I was so young. I knew I was scared and alone a lot but it was normal for me. So I get why I didn't understand how bad it was. But why didn't the other adults in my life see it??????? My grandparents were good loving people who loved me. Why then did they not follow up when they saw the shit my parents were doing? I mean for God's sake, who doesn't question when their kids take their kid to Alaska, from Michigan, on a whim, to be "missionaries???" Why were blind eyes turned to the homelessness, constant unemployment, moving around, squatting, leaving me alone, etc.??

I think the reason is that narcissists are very good at gaslighting everyone about what is going on. They have this weird ability to, if not get people on board, to at least distract them. They speak a lot of nonsense which baffles others. They play the shell game with facts. They also lie and hid a lot. And plus, no normal person could ever envision parents being so off with their kids. Like in my case. 

As I've said before, my parents really weren't around much. I have very few memories of them at all.  I was left alone most of the time and it never occurred to me to ask my parents for anything. They liked it this way but knew even at their most delusional that others wouldn't. So I think they played their parts when anyone was around. 

But then they moved to Alaska and there was no one around to see. I think they moved to be able to do what they wanted when and where they wanted with me completely cut off from anyone who cared about me. I've wondered why they didn't just leave me with family and go. But that wouldn't lend credence to their delusions. I know, it's not making sense yet, but bear with me. 

They believed, or said they did, that God was calling them to "convert the Indians" in Alaska. They may have believed that I'd enjoy it and learn from the experience. But that was only an afterthought. If I was a priority, they'd have secured jobs, housing, etc before moving. That's what parents do, right? 

Of course it is, you say. Why do you second guess yourself? Because I've been brainwashed all my life into thinking that what's best for others is what's best for me, even if it's actually hurting me. It took till 60 to finally admit that no provision was made for me. That they lived like wild Hedonists and completely disregarded me and left me to my own devices. I wish I could be more like my husband and  just say "that's bullshit." But I'm a slow learner. 

And not only were no plans laid, they didn't even try. Once they got to  Alaska, it was full on fantasy. We lived in 13 different places (at last count. I keep remembering more) Some for only a week at a time. Neither was working. My dad would leave for months at a time. I don't know where my mom was or what she was doing. I know she spent a lot of time with various older men. We weren't calling them boyfriends yet. But then she announced they were divorcing. No help for me processing that. Dad is still wandering around "preaching." Then she moved us to a remote island (place #14) to be a "youth group leader." And then left me for a week with strangers to go to Seattle for treatment of a "bladder infection." 

The missionary thing was delusional but also pragmatic, if you think like a self-centered narcissist. To begin with it shows their bigotry thinking these good people with a thriving spirituality needed white saviors. But beyond that, I think they fully expected the grateful native people to wait on them, as Jesus told the disciples to allow the people they preached to, to feed and care for them. 

So how was moving me with them to Alaska part of the delusion?  I was their calling card. They may have deluded themselves into missionaries they knew others might not see it that way. They might see them for what they were. Without me, they were two lazy, entitled adults expecting to be waited on. With me, they were a "homeless family that needed help." Having a child involved changes everything.

I think, too that they arrogantly figured these "heathens" wouldn't know child neglect when they saw it. But they saw. Wandering alone was something I did all the time. But none of the children I knew was allowed to wander with me. They allowed to me play with their children but later not even that because my situation was just too sketchy. But they were too far up their own asses to pay attention to that. 

In their fantasy, why would they make plans, secure housing and jobs etc.? I mean Jesus told the disciples not to even take a staff or second cloak. The grateful "converts" should take care of all that, including me. Which of course, was completely opposite to what Jesus meant. But it sure sounded like a win-win for my parents. 

And some native Tlingit people did take care of us. But not because they were ignorant or grateful. They were good humans. And because there was me. Children need care regardless of the adults they are with. So these people were the real missionaries. And the elderly couple who took us in, took over where grandparents left off, letting my parents get away with every weird thing and making sure I had food and a place to sleep. The only reason they allowed me to play alone was that they were in their 80s and couldn't look after me. 

But that didn't matter to my parents because they didn't ever anyway. And my mom and dad got exactly what they wanted. They could fantasize and freebird to their hearts content. My dad went off for months at a time. No one ever knew where. I don't know what my mom did. No job, no kid, no responsibilities, no worries. 

And because there were no sanctions or censure, they took this as approval. Self-centered people do this. If you don't check them, loudly, clearly and regularly, they conclude that you are happy with it. And since they are very poisonous when checked, people don't do it very often. Because everyone was playing along, this meant that they had God's imprimatur too. 

Which only made it worse. The only way to stonewall narcissists is to stop enabling. Which they couldn't do because of me. Catch 22. Because when they once confronted my parents, saying that I belonged home with my family, my parents got mad. My parents do not like to be told they are wrong. That's when my dad's road trips got longer and my mom moved us to a remote island. To keep me from any protective influence they may have had. 

Which kicked my parents' narcissistic delusions into overdrive. It looked to them like everyone was applauding their "missionary work." But then my grandparents decided to visit. By the time they arrived, my parents were so deep in cloud cuckooland, they made no pretense of parenting me. God had told them they didn't have too. And I just went on, thinking all this was normal.  Or that I had imagined it. Until about 25 years ago, my grama affirmed it. 

My grampa made some home movies he'd taken in Alaska on their visit, into VHS. I showed them to my mom as I thought she'd enjoy it. She made a snarky comment about some things she heard my grama say while watching the movies as my grampa taped them. I guess they must have hit home. But being my mom, she wanted me to feel ashamed and sad for her. Which I did until I began this quest a year ago. 

So grama said that she recalled that as soon as they got there, my parents both took off in different directions leaving me with my grandparents. No word of where they were, what they were doing or when they'd be back. As you fucking do. Your parents travel across the effing continent to see you and you dump your kid on them? What the hell?? Which is exactly what, if I'm understanding correctly, my grandma basically asked. 

Who takes care of Marilisa when we aren't here?? She was probably the only person to actually consider that these people were dropping the ball with me, a bit. But I think that what she couldn't imagine, because no sane, caring person could, is that the answer to that question was: No one. 

No one expects parents to leave a 6 y/o child on their own, in a strange country, thousands of miles from home. Which is pretty outlandish but then, no one lets a little kid play alone blocks from home, in the bowery, or in a park with predators either. I think, being self-centered and delusional, my parents just got used to people believing all their bullshit and not asking questions. I think they relied on the fact that no one would believe they did these things. 

Am I saying it's partly my grandparents' fault for enabling my parents to behave this way. I don't know. I don't think so. Because they were bullied too. They probably kept their own parents in check, threatening to disallow them any contact with me if they intervened. And they were gaslit by my parents into not believing their own eyes and instincts. 

And I've come to believe now that narcs also punish people who look to closely. They don't like their fantasies questioned. They don't care about the kid but they use her as leverage against people who do. They threaten vocally or in hints, to keep the child from anyone who asks too many questions. Or they move her across the damn continent so that they can't. 

All this didn't help me much. It would have been helpful if someone had reached out to help. To tell me it was wrong. I've gaslit myself for decades that they didn't because there was nothing wrong. That they would  have turned on  me if I'd said something. Mainly, I think they just didn't know the extent of it. My parents were very good at covering the bruises they inflicted. 

Childhood trauma and parental abuse: once you find your voice, keep talking

 Hi friends. For the past year, I've been exposing and exploring abuse and neglect I endured at the hands of four narcissistic parents (two bio and their partners). Today I'm looking at why it's important to keep talking once you find your voice. Because once seen, you'll never unsee it or look at family dynamics the same again. 

If you have been following this blog, you might wonder why I talk so much about my childhood trauma. And why after 6 decades am I finally opening up about abuse (physical, sexual, financial, religious, emotional), neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, parentification, family scapegoating, manipulation, invalidation, toxic shaming, gaslighting and other shit I don't have words for yet. Well, not because it's any fun, let me assure you of that. 

There are many reasons why I keep writing about it. Sixty years of keeping quiet about parental abuse, of not being allowed a voice to articulate it, means thousands of bad memories crammed in, broken, rotting and oozing poison. Plus, years of parents gaslighting, lying and brainwashing about what happened has left me confused and bewildered. What the hell just  happened? Why?? 

Emotional child abuse is the horror hidden in plain sight. To anyone willing to admit what they are seeing.  To everyone but the child. To the child, this is normal, for her. Her parents, with their self-centered, manipulative lies, have caused her to believe that this is all she deserves. That she brought it on herself. That they, their partners and kids are her responsibility to serve and obey. 

The concept of family loyalty is royally effed up too. It's drilled into the abused kid's head that she must play along with, keep silent about, ignore, put up with all manner of crap to be a good family member. She OWES it to them. But no one ever talks about what is owed to her, like affirmation and love, let alone basic care. It's one-sided. 

The only expression for those decades of bad memories has been in CPTSD dreams and nightmares. Till now. And now that I have begun to understand what happened, I can't unsee it. Nor can I wrap my mind around it. There is so much that it seems endless. It's overwhelming and terrifying.  Early traumatic childhood memories take on specter like shapes, diffuse, looming and completely overpowering. 

Like a shadow that gets bigger and bigger till it takes up the entire room. Like Nosferatu who was most frightening in the shadow on the wall. Even now I get short of breath when I remember the fear. My chest gets tight and I feel like I'm choking. 

Talking about it helps frame in the boundaries. It helps me sort out what  happened and some of the why. It helps to put it in a manageable place where I can safely contain it. It helps me get Nosferatu down to size and see him for what he is. A sad, strange little man in a mask. Scary people look so big to kids. But as an adult, I am beginning to see them for what they were/are. Scary only in the horrendous lengths they'll go to to protect their narcissistic delusion. 

Why it's impossible to just "rise above" malignant narcissist behavior (and other stupid nonsense advice)

Hey friends. Mar here with more on how I'm attempting to heal from decades of narcissistic abuse by two selfish parents and their abusive partners. Today I'm going to debunk some of the stupid nonsense advice people get about dealing with narcissists. One of the worst is "not to take it personally" and "rise above." This is not only incredibly insensitive, it's impossible. 

First of all, you need to know that anyone who says stuff like that, clearly has never lived with a self-centered malignant narcissist or they wouldn't make these comments. I won't say it's even well-meaning advice. It's just meant to make themselves feel better and is actually narcissistic itself. In some cases the person is passive-aggressively shaming you the victim, gaslighting and and affirming the narc in their abuse of you. 

Let's start with the infamous "don't take it personally." It sounds good in theory. And it can be helpful if the person really wants you too feel better and isn't just defending the narc. In that case it's just it's the old "you're too sensitive" BS which is one of many tactics malignant narcs use to gaslight, shame, invalidate and manipulate. Because what it implies that you can stop the narc hurting you just by clicking your heels together and pretending it isn't what it is, a targeted attack.  

Advice like this also dismisses that very real problem, that the narc isn't accidentally being hurtful, they are going out of their way to. They want you to personalize it. They are targeting you and they want you to know it. If you do rise above (what that means) they will double down on the attack. So stupid advice to pretend they aren't doesn't protect you, it makes it worse. 

The best advice I can give, from decades of narc abuse is to either call it out when it happens and then cut contact with them or just cut or limit contact and know it is about you. But it isn't your fault or problem. This is not an argument or a two-way street. What you shouldn't do is to believe that it is something you provoked. The narc attacks you because he has chosen you as the target. And you've been if anything too nice and patient.