Types of blind guides and how each derails healing (part 2 of series)

 Hello my friends. I've begun a series on blind guides--people who pose as helpful who actually hinder healing. In this case, healing from narcissistic parent abuse. In this post I'll explain the different types of blind guides and how each can derail healing. 

1) Situational/triggered blind guides These are the ones who makes toxic comments as trauma responses in situations in which he is triggered by his own issues. This is the person who kneejerk says "your parents meant well" when hearing something cruel they did because he is recalling his own traumatic childhood and trying to convince himself that his parent meant well. He is essentially aware and sensitized except around issues that activate his own shame. 

2) Naive/Inadvertent blind guides. These are generally very young people, such as your children, who have no understanding of your life because you raised them better than you had it yourself. Which is kind of a double edged sword. You raised them so well that they can't conceptualize narcissistic parents abusing a child the way you were abused. Because unfortunately, often the only way to empathize is to experience. And you also raised them to give their grandparents unmerited respect. And their grandparents may  have treated them differently from you. And you taught them self-confidence and that it's okay to question parents, where those things were denied you. So they speak self-confidently, sometimes, about things they don't understand. They question your experiences, memories and trauma responses, not to shame you (although it feels that way because that's all you know). They think they are helping you and maybe they are. It may just not be the right time for you to hear it. Either way, you don't have to kowtow to or be angry with them. You can own your own truth, painful as it is and be proud that you gave them with healthier truth than you were given. 

3) Intentional blind guides These are just what they sound like: blatant, shameless, "in yo face" BS-ers. These high-and-mighty folks purposely shame, deceive, trip you up and lead you the diametric opposite direction from healing. They trigger all your worst trauma responses--fight, flight, freeze, fawn, fix. Very often they are religious blind guides who gaslight you with all kinds of weaponized misquoted scripture, to humiliate and break you down. And they bear a strong resemblance to your malignant narcissistic parents from whose abuse you are trying to heal. 

Here's my post on detoxing from blind guides' gaslighting. 

Beware of blind guides who shame and gaslight childhood trauma survivors

 Hello my friends. In today's post on healing CPTSD from narcissistic parent abuse, I want to define a term I've begun using. And that is "blind guides." These are people who attempt to harmfully control childhood trauma survivors with toxic positivity and gaslighting. I've gone through several iterations of terms: flying monkeys, haters, naysayers and all of them either don't fit or sound kitschy or both. I chose blind guide because it provides a metaphor for the danger of following these people. They don't know where they are going but they talk like they do. They lead us into, instead of away from, further problems, if we follow them.  

How do they do this? Through that toxic combination of ignorance and arrogance. Blind guides lack vision, into your life and even their own. They bring no insight yet they speak as though they do. They arrogantly proclaim to see clearly "how it is" and feel entitled "guide you" by dispensing unsolicited advice which they do not follow themselves. They talk a big talk which they never walk. 

They are stumbling blocks for those of us trying to heal from narcissistic abuse, because they are in fact narcissistically abusing and gaslighting us themselves. That sounds harsh but consider this. Why would someone who knows nothing about something, speak as if they do? Answer: hubris, pride. Why would they feel they have the right to dictate to you what they know nothing about? Answer: entitlement. And when you inevitably fall, after following their toxic nonsense advice, they show no empathy or responsibility. So, hypocritical double standards + arrogance +holier-than-thou self-righteousness + remorseless = narcissist. 

There are three types of blind guides, defined in this post. Simply put they are the situational/triggered blind guide who is trauma responding from his own shame, with toxic comments he doesn't understand are toxic. The naive/inadvertent blind guide is usually a young person who means well but isn't trauma informed or mature enough to be making the bold statements they make. The intentionally blind guide is the worst. These people go out of their way to say nasty toxic things cloaked as wise advice. 

They hurt because they mean to. But they want you to think they are kind and caring. They aren't. In fact, if you confront them, they may do just like the narcissists and DARVO, making themselves the victim and you the oppressor. They "didn't mean it" and you "misunderstood them" you "twisted their words" or are "overthinking it" or "making too big a deal of what was just a little thing." You "maligned them" when they were "just trying to help." Even though they were very clear at the time they said whatever toxic thing they said. And all you did was to question what they said. 

They make all kinds of passive-aggressive shaming comments which they present as statements of fact but which are just nasty, underhanded insults. Since they can't dazzle with brilliance, they baffle you with bullshit. So you might be wondering why I'm being vague and unspecific. Why am I not listing things blind guides say, so you know what to watch out for? 

I have listed some toxic things blind guides say in other posts. I didn't call them blind guides in these posts but you can read as written that people who say things like this are blind guides. 

Toxic BS about  "poor, helpless victim" narcissist parents 

How even loving people gaslight and further abuse, abused children

Toxic positivity BS the Christians gaslight kids of Narcissist parents with

Therapy, Religion, Society often teach wrong responses to narcissist parent rage

Gaslighting nonsense Christians shame abused and traumatized kids with

"Helpful" comments on CPTSD and abusive parents that are actually gaslighting

People and pitfalls to avoid on the recovery journey from narcissistic parent abuse

But there's a bigger reason that I haven't spelled out in this article, the gaslighting things blind guides say. And that is because it's hard to encompass the toxicity in a list. It's essential to know just how pervasive and insidious the intentional blind guide's toxicity is. Literally, it's in everything they say and how they say it. Their scorn drips from every word. You can see it in their haughtiness in their eyes. You just have to learn how to look for it. 

Because part of how they trip you up is with their feigned innocent concern. Blind guides fake sweetness and light just as they fake knowing things they don't. They pretend to see clearly when they have blinded themselves. They operate in opinion versus fact. They disguise, obfuscate, shift, flip and distort reality. 

Which I know is still vague and confusing. Because what blind guides say is intentionally vague and confusing. And it's by that, that they give themselves away. You can always identify the gaslighting nonsense by it's faintly off pong. It smells fishy because it is. It gives an impression of being useful while actually being detrimental. That's the backhanded sucker punch of gaslighting. 

Normal, not traumatized people can usually see the gaslighting blind guides for what they are. Sometimes not because these hucksters are very good at hiding in plain sight. But those of us who have already been abused by liars and cheats, don't see it. We have been conditioned to ignore red flags and our own common sense. We've been groomed to believe lies. So when an intentional blind guide intentionally misleads us we just follow them down the road to perdition. 

Part of the problems is that sadly blind guides are far more common than they should be. They lurk everywhere, among family, friend circles, workplace associates, churches, social groups, doctors, psychologists. In fact, the helping professions are prone to blind guide behavior. Too many people go into these fields with an agenda. They pose as carers and we traumatized people don't see their wolf  under the sheepskin. 

Detoxing from blind guides gaslighting about childhood trauma (part 3 of series)

Hello my friends. I've been writing a series on the gaslighting around childhood trauma and narcissistic parent abuse, by blind guides-- toxic flying monkeys who shame us while claiming to help. This is part three on detoxing from blind guides gaslighting. This post intends to help us heal from the would-be healers who misdirect us. 

So is there any hope for surviving blind guides? I need to do a lot more digging but yes, I think so. It lies in watching how healthy people cope with gaslighting and toxic blind guides. It's about differentiating healthy from hurtful unsolicited advice. It involves following people like psychologist Dr. Ramani who is trained in narcissistic abuse. It requires retraining our trauma responses. And recognizing blind guides for who they are. 

I think the place to start is by listening very carefully to what people are actually saying and if it sounds wrong, toxic, hurtful, stop right there. Don't go any further with it. Don't trauma respond (as I do) with fawning acquiescence. Don't bow to them as if they are some kind of moral authority (as I do). Don't recant, backpedal on your own wisdom. Hit pause and calmly end the conversation. Then take time to reflect on what they said, why it felt off and your feelings about all that. 

And I realize writing this that I need to go back a few steps. Those of us with childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, do not know what we feel. We were told what to feel and never had the luxury of owning our own feelings. We gaslight ourselves because we were gaslit that we are wrong, making it up, exaggerating, showing off, etc. That's what makes us such easy prey for blind guides in the first place. So we can't rely on our feelings alone. They are often just programmed trauma responses. 

We need to go deeper to our core visceral responses. For me, it's literally my gut that tells me something is rotten. I feel sick and my stomach hurts. Like I've been kicked there. Because that's what blind guides do: they hit you when and where you are vulnerable. So we work backward from the core responses. We look past the blind guides' superficial "helpfulness" to see if there is poison lurking that is making us sick. 

We ask ourselves why this thing they said that is supposed to help us feels so unhelpful. Then we dig deeper still and find that this was how our narcissist parents abused us, by conning us into thinking harm was helpful. That the nasty things they said were things we needed to hear. And then we dig into why they would do these hurtful things and we find they had a vested interest in keeping us in a chaotic, stressful, precarious, destabilized state. 

Which is what makes us so vulnerable to blind guides. We were raised by blind guides. So from there, it's a matter of rethinking who actually has our best interests at heart. Not what the gaslighting voices in our head say. What our common sense says. And then we begin to dig ourselves out of this pit of shame we've been forced into. 

Narcissistic parents confuse and destabilize kids then shame their confusion and self-doubt

Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal CPTSD from a lifetime of malignant narcissist parent abuse, I'm exploring how CPTSD causes constant confusion, self-doubt and difficulty making decisions. I'm also looking at how narcissist parents confuse and destabilize you and then shame your confusion and self-doubt. Narcissistic parents create your CPTSD then ridicule your trauma responses. They mock you for being fearful, indecisive, insecure and anxious. 

First, here's some info on CPTSD. Those of us with CPTSD never feel safe or secure. It robs you of inner peace. CPTSD steals your ability to fully embrace joy. Our malignant narcissist parents taught  us to be afraid, very afraid of them. Nothing is simple or straightforward for us. Ever action or choice is fraught with anxiety, hypervigilance, FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and endless second-guessing and overthinking. 

And that is because I am always confused. Dysregulation is a frequent visitor. I got used to expecting surprises and not the good kind. The suckers punches of parental anger and disapproval which always came the minute I relaxed. So I don't really know how to relax or what that would feel like. It's hard to impossible to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced this. Those who have know exactly what I'm talking about. 

They say things like "but that's not the way it is for you now." Ehh, potato, potahtah. It feels the same now because I was conditioned so thoroughly to think and trauma respond like this. Learning new things is hard at any age. Learning new things as a senior citizen is harder still. Unlearning things that you were coerced into doing and punished for not doing, that borders on impossible. I am hard-wired to feel insecure whether I am safe or not. 

And then there's that confusion. Here's how my narcissistic parents hard-wired that into me. I was expected to do the right thing always, without being told what the right thing actually was and certainly not having right behavior modeled for me by my parents. I was just expected to divine it. And I was always being told I got it wrong. I couldn't win for losing. My narcissistic parents had a comeback for everything. Which is really weird. Why would they need a weapon against their child? 

It always felt like someone was angry with me. I was continually hearing how I'd let someone down, but never how. At both my mother's and father's new homes, there was an undefined by clear atmosphere of oppressive hostility, aggression and passive-aggression. And it was made clear that I was the one causing it. Though I was a cheerful, biddable, people pleasing kid. 

It was so bad that I have dreams about it now, in which I have done something unspeakably wrong and I have no idea what it is. I beg people to tell me and they just sit glaring hostilely at me. Of course, in my dreams I'm also being expected to do six impossible things at once so that could have something to do with it. When I look back, I see these are not dreams but memories, all jumbled in that confusion I spoke of. 

I see now too, that keeping me confused, insecure, frightened, anxious made me even more useful to them. If the Lord loves a cheerful giver, a narcissistic parent loves a terrified one. It gives their colossal egos one hell of a power trip, which is sick in itself. But fear also keeps the child docile and in line. And being impossible to please keeps the child always striving harder to please. It confuses her that they aren't happy because she is such a failure. It never occurs to her that they are weaponizing it. 

And as if that confusion wasn't confusing enough, the malignant narcissist parents use her own confusion against her! They make her feel inept because she "can't do simple things." Simple which no one else has to do and certainly not for an audience. I never saw any of my parents lift a finger to help. And why was I, a kid, doing all their adult work anyway? 

They say shit like "you wouldn't be so confused if you were right with God." "It's God that is causing you to doubt yourself." Or "you're not tired. you're just exaggerating or showing off." Or "you're too sensitive." We don't' ask that much, just that you do your part in the family. Why do you have such a problem with a few chores?" "You need to lighten up. You're too serious." Funny, though, I never expressed frustration with my lot. So I didn't know where that was coming from. Till now. 

Now I see it was coming from the constant game of Whack-a-Mole they played. No matter what I did, it got smacked down. This keeps the kid nervous, dodging and off balance. Remember that destabilizing I mentioned? I was always going to be smacked down no matter what. They said they didn't say well done because I'd get a big head (said the most arrogant people I've ever known). 

Truth is, they couldn't risk praising me because then I might not be so quick to jump. I might actually feel part of the family and let down my guard. And I might see how badly they'd been treating me and that it was no fault of mine. I might start questioning and then their narcissistic fantasy house of cards could tumble. In short, I might leave and take away their source of narcissistic supply. 

It was never about me learning right from wrong. It was about me learning to be afraid. And ergo the confusion. It's impossible for someone to be wrong all the time. And I probably did a lot right though their gaslighting is so loud it feels wrong to say so. But if  I found that out, I might use it to differentiate right from wrong and then discover that they had been preventing that with their gaslighting perversions and distortions. If I found out that I had the ability to fly, that the cage they put me in was fake, I might fly away. And then who would wait on all of them? 

So as for God being the one causing my self-doubt, mmm, I don't think so. I think He may have been helping me see that they were the ones to doubt. That they spoke with forked tongues, put millstones on my neck, tied me up to burdens they didn't help carry and led a little child astray. And this is very much not okay with God. On this I am not confused. 

But on everything else, I am. Making decisions is terribly challenging for me.   I second guess everything I do. Because so much of what I was taught was right, was actually wrong. And much of what they said was wrong of me, was in fact, correct. But it still often feels the old way that taught me. So now everything requires me to analyze which is the right course? Usually I find that if I do the opposite of what they said, I get it right. 

But then there are those ringers they threw in, just to keep it interesting. Sometimes, they were right. But not by design, by accident. Or to confuse me further. Which is really exhausting to sort out. The only thing that consistently works is to just throw it all out, baby, bathwater, bathtub, bathroom, house, and start over with a fresh slate. That's why I ask a lot of questions of people which might sound obvious or stupid. I am trying to relearn the safe, healthy, positive way to think about things. 

Weirdly contradictory CPTSD trauma responses from narcissist parent abuse

Hello my friends. Today I'm examining a weirdly conflicted CPTSD trauma responses I have from growing up in chaotic narcissist parent abuse. These are equal and opposite reactions I've developed from being in the crosshairs of malignant narcissistic abuse. And crosshairs is a good metaphor for this contradictory perpendicular double standard we find ourselves in, pulled one way and then diametrically the opposite. Thanks to the work of YouTube therapists' Dr. Ramani, Patrick Teahan, Jerry Wise, Danish Bashir and Dr. Les Carter I'm beginning to untangle this tangled web pf deceit my narcissist parents wove. 

Always in demand AND in the way. I find myself in this contradictory trauma response so often. I feel both the weight of endless expectation PLUS a sense of always being in everyone's way. I am always juggling too much responsibility with too little accommodation. My dad literally told me it was my job to duty to do all the adult work while out of the other side of his mouth, telling me to be quiet while the "adults" were talking. So I got used to being hypervigilant and groveling while also squashing myself into a pretzel so I didn't cause them any inconvenience. I was the unobtrusive yet ever-present servant. 

Necessity and nuisance. If my narcissist parents had just abandoned me, it would have been easier. But no, they needed me too much to jettison me. I provided too much in the way of emotional dumping ground, surrogate spouse, surrogate parent, slave and scapegoat. They kept me around to do the heavy lifting, but very grudgingly. 

Expect one-sided transactions. We hear that transactional relationships are unhealthy. I'd have loved to have a transactional, give and take relationship with my narcissist parents. If only I received from and not just paid into them. If only it wasn't just me giving out good things like a broken slot machine. If only I hadn't learned the trauma response of expecting to be backstabbed, extorted from, exploited and used. If only I hadn't believed their future faking. 

Do too much and expect too little.  I heard an amazing quote on YouTube that "narcissist men don't prey on weak women. They seek out the fixers who have been taught by toxic parents to expect too little." I took it two steps further. I expected nothing good and planned on being taken advantage of. I prepared for exploitation by endlessly giving because they said to. My dad said "we" (meaning me) should give with no expectation of reward. He might as well have given me a Molotov cocktail and told me to stand there while it blew up in my hand. 

Self-care is selfish. Oh how my narcissist parents weaponized this against me. They took damn good care of themselves, too good, at my expense. While grooming me to believe that me having needs, ideas, opinions, a voice, wants, goals, aspirations was selfish. That self-defense and self-protection was somehow self-centered. Well, they would say that, being very entitled themselves and being the reason for me needing to defend and protect myself in the first place. 

What I learned was dysfunction trauma responses of fawn to predators, freeze in fear and fix whatever anyone else broke. I learned to let fear, obligation and guilt drive my every action.  This little girl you see in the picture was already anxiously hypervigilant against offending those two arrogant, entitled and manipulative people with her. 

Prepare for gaslighting if you go no contact with dark tetrad narcissist parents

Hello my friends. Today in my journey to heal CPTSD from malignant narcissist parent abuse, I'm going to explore what might be one of the saddest issues. And that is the scorn and shaming victims of narcissist abuse all too frequently experience if they cut ties with their toxic family. And I don't mean just the shaming from the toxic family. I mean censure from outsiders who have no connection to you. Don't expect affirmation from society. Prepare for gaslighting if you go no contact with narcissist parents. Here's why and how. 

Expect to be criticized for going low or no contact with toxic family. And not just from the people who always wag their fingers. Plan on pushback from extended family, friends, co-workers, your church, even psychologists. Because virtually nobody gets childhood trauma unless they've experienced it or are willing to be empathetic. 

There's no framework for malignant narcissist parent abuse. People don't get childhood trauma caused by selfish parents because parents, by definition aren't. Or they're not supposed to be. Or the blind guides' parent weren't like that. So yet again, we traumatized kids don't fit. When we go no contact, we become the whistle blowers on it. We don't have to so anything. Just the fact that we're estranged, says it all. And society has no frame of reference. But it should.  Because what people don't understand, they often attack. We don't do different well. So cue the gaslighting. 

Gaslighting is real. These blind guides who shame your pain, aren't just giving unsolicited advice. They are gaslighting and not just your reality. Reality, period. They make up all kinds of ridiculous excuses for your narcissist parents and I've heard them all. Some from my former therapists whom I had to cut ties with as well. 

--they meant well

--they did the best they could (when I told one therapist that I didn't think mine did, she, who didn't know them from Adam, said I couldn't say that, that it was "unfair to them." I am no longer her client.)

--they're victims

--they're suffering

--they ARE your parents, after all (oh yeah, they played that card, unfortunately, forgetting that I WAS ALSO  their child to whom they had responsibilities to, not just rights over.)

--you're exaggerating. (yup, that's what she said)

--you're making it up for attention (yup that's what dad said)

--it wasn't that bad (now how the hell would you know how bad my life was or wasn't??? I just met you a few years ago. 

--you're just too sensitive 

--It takes two to tango. (more on this gaslighting nonsense later)

Empathy and power differential.  Weirdly, there's a lot of support for narcissist parents and precious little for their victims. The same people who have so much compassion for your "poor neglected" parents give zero cares for all the neglect and abuse you suffered. They weren't' there, don't know diddly-shit about all that went on, that you suffered alone. And yet if you simply decide to stop participating in their abuse, you are treated like YOU are the problem. 

Society likes silent compliance. Most people don't like their comfort zones threatened. They prefer an echo chamber where we're all happy, normal social media smiles for the camera. I happen to be that weirdo who enjoys being shaken out of complacency. I hate complacency. It feels creepy and Stepford. But that's just me and probably my childhood trauma speaking up. Little me knows what it feels like to be silenced and shamed. When people tell me or just hint that they were treated like crap by their parents, I believe them. No one makes this up or chooses this. 

Nobody choose to go no contact with toxic parents. We came to it as a last ditch effort to save our sanity. After six effing decades of it!! And yet the blind guides treat us as if this was just a novelty, like we want to be the cool kids. Or it's some kind of woke thing. It IS!! I finally woke up to the fact that my narcissist parents did NOT love nor care me, DID abuse, neglect, exploit, invalidate and scapegoat me. If anyone went no contact, it was them with me.

Malignant narcissist parents draw first blood. They went no contact with me decades before I ever realized it. They dumped me on strangers, left me to wander alone, were not there for me, coerced me  into all kinds of sick, deranged situations. Now I'm not going no contact with them, I'm just letting doors they slammed stay closed. I'm removing my foot from the door so it doesn't get repeated crushed. Thank you, husband for pointing that out so eloquently. 

Where was everyone when all this was happening? If anyone shames you for going no contact with narcissist parents, if they scold you that you  have to forgive 70x7, keep hoping and holding on, or whatever gaslighting they foist on you, ask them this. WHERE WERE YOU? They will not be able to answer. And then ask them:

What do they get out of defending your narcissist parents? So one way to prepare for gaslighting when you go no contact is to start digging into why they are doing this. The best defense is a good offense. Don't be afraid to express uncomfortable truths, at least to yourself. These blind guides with their unsolicited advice and DARVO shaming of you, are benefitting in some way, from your pain. They may be narcissists themselves and you make them feel uncomfortable. Or they aren't as empathetic as they'd like to think, so they shame your truth-telling because it unsettles them. Others just like to play devil's advocate.  Some people are just Class A ssholes who love to make other people feel small. 

DO NOT LET IT DERAIL YOUR HEALING. Whatever the reason for this gaslighting toxic positivity (which isn't really positive at all), please don't fall for it. Anyone who faults you for taking care of yourself doesn't have your best interests at heart. They should not be given airtime. Do what you need to do to stand up for yourself. If that means cutting ties with them too, so be it. 

Accept help. Those of us who have been abused by narcissist parents don't know help from harm. That's why we listen to blind guides not safe people. So we need to look for the helpers, the healers. We need to seek out loving people who will sit with us and hold space, not judge or pontificate or shame. 

Dark tetrad narcissist parents gaslight and sabotage kids into auto-gaslighting and sabotaging themselves

Hello my friends. Today on the path to healing CPTSD from narcissist parent abuse, I'm exploring how dark tetrad malignant narcissist parents gaslight and sabotage their kids into auto-gaslighting and sabotaging themselves. After decades of their gaslighting and sabotage, I catch myself doing to to myself now. After years of being tricked into and trapped in harmful situations, being taught to ignore red flags and danger signals I now walk right into trouble which I probably would have avoided if I had had loving protective parents. 

Listening to narcissist specialist Dr. Ramani on YouTube, I heard a commercial with  a man saying that narcissists don't target weak women, they target the fixers who have been taught by toxic parents to expect too little. I need to find out  who this wise man is because those are profoundly eye-opening words. It's as if he read my life's script. My narcissist dad would literally say to his pouty narcissist wife, hinting at me, "maybe Mary could fix it." He would invite her to think of something I could do to please her, thereby avoiding his responsibility and dumping all of it  on me. Usually fixing meant me shouldering yet another task so she could "rest." She laid around a lot while I took care of her house, family, chores, laundry etc. 

That insinuation that I was somehow responsible to fix other people has haunted me all my life. Now, whenever someone is upset, I can't NOT feel obliged to make it better and guilty if I can't. FOG--fear, obligation and guilt to take care of others have so clogged up my view that I can't take care of myself. I learned that self-care was selfish and that tending to selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed people and anyone, was my only duty in life. I was shamed and gaslit into thinking I didn't have a self. 

This sabotaged my self-defense skills. Instead of protecting myself from dangerous people and situations, I ran straight into them. Just like in childhood, when any of my narcissist parents demanded something, I complied, no matter how much it hurt me. And with dark tetrads, it always hurts. They don't want you to do things that are good for you, too. They EXPECT and COERCE you into doing sick, weird, dysfunctional and devasting things that have lifelong harmful impacts on you. 

And pretty soon, they don't even need to gaslight you anymore. You gaslight yourself. So now you are participating in your own ambush. It's so twisted. I do not trust myself to make good decisions because they TOLD ME that safe, healthy and wise was wrong. Everything is bass-ackwards with dark tetrad parents. So now I'm confused about safe and unsafe. With all the warning signals out of order, I don't have a functioning safety system. 

And it's made so much worse when your parents are religious Christian narcissists. (boy, if that isn't a contradiction). They used the Bible to gaslight me, particularly the parts about being a servant to all. That was shoved down my throat. Though looking back in retrospect, I never saw them serving anyone but themselves. Now I see the hypocrisy, arrogance, double standards, exploitation and manipulation. But children know nothing of this. They just take things on face value, assuming their parents have their best interests at heart. 

Photo is me at 12 when I first moved in with my dad and his new wife. Already I was living in the FOG of fear, obligation and guilt. Plus shame, hypervigilance and anxiety.