Childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse causes cognitive dissonance, dissociation and emotional fracturing

Hello my dear friends. Today in my quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm exploring how we who were harmed by abusive parents used cognitive split and dissociation to juggle the very disturbing, terrifying and dangerous reality we were daily subjected to. My reality was a relentless cycle of abuse: emotional, physical, financial, and sexual. I endured medical neglect, deprivation of basic needs, and routine endangerment. I was forced into roles of parentification and enmeshment, while being subjected to extreme scapegoating, dehumanization, and gaslighting by those who were supposed to be my protectors.

Abnormal-normal and normal-normal in various forms

This happened at the hands for four people who called themselves my parents. Both of my parents and their new partners were irresponsible, demanding narcissists.  I got shoved back and forth between them and moved randomly. I lived in 40 different places before age 21. My life was endless upheaval, chaos, stress and conflicting demands. Each environment demanded a different version of me, forcing me to treat these wildly unstable, abusive settings as 'normal' just to survive. It took me till I was in my late fifties to get any of this. When I did, it explained a great deal about my dysfunctional trauma responses, especially fawning, placating parents, not holding them accountable, tolerating abuse and taking on myself the consequences of their awful behavior. 

Multiple fractured realities

I had to juxtapose five sets of "normal": each parent's abnormal normal expectations place on me, plus the real world where this was not normal. To juggle the chaos, I had to do what I have since learned is dissociation. I had to fragment myself to appease their hypocritical, unsafe commands plus exist in the everyday world. Even with other family, I had to morph, to hid the bizarre "normal" that was my daily family life. I had to somehow navigate that very different outside reality that was so contradictory to the hidden "cult" reality of my narcissistic parents. And this narcissistic cult itself was multiplied four times by my four narcissistic parents. 

Manifestations of cognitive split in childhood 

Here are a signs to look for in a traumatized and abused child. 

• Neurodiverse "autistic" behaviors: As a child, I banged my head in order to be able to sleep. I understand now that I was trying to "reorient" my chaotic, disparate reality in the only way I  knew how. By trying to fit me to it, because I couldn't juxtapose it with normal. 
• Complex fantasy world: this is not to be confused with my parents' narcissistic fantasy of god-like power, control and entitlement. This was my land of  imagination where life was safer, straightforward and cohesive, not fractured and dangerous. 
• The "distant stare" or "side eye nervous tic": Traumatized kids literally hear voices and see ghosts, of haranguing, threatening, abusive parents. We're trying to cope and focus on our immediate reality while hearing their shaming, mocking scolding voices. 
• The "trauma grimace': We clamp our jaws shut to lock in secrets they made us keep. And to prevent ourselves from screaming with the agony of what we're enduring. 
• Fawning: Beware of the child who is too eager to obey. We are people pleasers who are terrified of failing and getting punished randomly. 
• Being too much because we're told we're not enough. 

Manifestations of cognitive split in adulthood

Here's a breakdown of the cognitive split of childhood trauma in adulthood. 

• The Apparently Normal Part (ANP): This is the side of the self that manages daily life, tries to fit into the family system, goes to school or work, and handles standard responsibilities. It actively suppresses the trauma memories to keep functioning.

• The Emotional Part (EP): This is the part of the personality that holds the raw trauma, the intense fear, the pain, and the defense mechanisms, like fawning, people pleasing, freezing, flight, or hypervigilance). It remains "stuck" in the traumatic experience.

Other Related Psychological Terms

Here are some ways we juggle all this cognitive dissonance. 

• Compartmentalization: The psychological defense mechanism where the brain forces conflicting ideas, values, or traumatic experiences into separate mental "drawers" so they don't clash or overwhelm the conscious mind. It's how a child can know a parent is cruel, yet still feel and express intense, unconditional love for them in the next moment. It's how we manage to cope with the outside world while struggling with the threatening interior monologue of their voices. 

• Cognitive Dissonance: The intense psychological distress that happens when you hold two fundamentally contradictory beliefs at the same time (e.g., "This person is my protector" vs. "This person is hurting me"). To resolve the agony of this dissonance, an abused child's brain will often default to dissociation or denial because they are physically dependent on the abuser to survive. it took me till I was almost 60 to start processing any of this. 

• Psychic Splitting: A psychoanalytic term for the inability to bring together both positive and negative qualities of oneself or others into a cohesive whole. It results in seeing things in extremes (e.g., "all good" or "all bad"), a defense mechanism often forced upon children who have to cope with highly erratic, unpredictable parents. We go outside ourselves to escape our horrible inner reality. 

Healing by bringing dissonance into music

Healing childhood trauma responses from narcissistic abuse then to navigate narcissists now

Hello my friends. Today on my path to recovery from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm exploring how healing childhood trauma responses to abuse then helps me navigate narcissists safely now. What I've learned from parent enmeshment and harm, informs my interactions with arrogant, ruthless, entitled people I deal with today. 

What not to do with narcissists, was learned the hard way

A lot of things I discovered about dealing with narcissistic abuse, came too late to prevent brain damage from narcissists parents. Children are bonded to their parents naturally and abused children are trauma bonded. They do not know that their parents are mistreating them, till the gaslighting of mistreatment is already firmly rooted in fawning trauma responses that just make them more vulnerable to parental bullying and endangerment. So we develop unhealthy behaviors which we unconsciously bring with us into adulthood and which make us prime targets for other bullies.  These are things I learned by trial and error, having already made these mistakes. 

Gaslit reality causes betrayal blindness

Children take parents at face value. They believe, trust, try to please and love unconditionally. So if the parent is loving, trustworthy, safe, pleasable and nurturing, children accept that. BUT if the parent is unsafe, unloving, demanding and exploitative the child also accepts that as "normal" without questioning the parents. Then the parents use that agreeableness against the child. They take advantage of her. They create a narcissistic fantasy world with role reversal, FOG (fear, obligation and guilt), parentification, shaming, blame-shifting, DARVO and endless impossible demands placed on the child. The child doesn't see that this is parental abuse and betrayal. All she knows is that  try as she might, she can never get it right. 

Fawning, self-blame, hoop-hopping and people pleasing

Because the child can't see the Machiavellian agent provocateur parents machinating against her, she blames herself.  They have hypocritically scapegoated, and gaslit her so successfully that she never sees their culpability. They distracted her from reality. They set themselves above common rules and then made up complicated shifting double standards for the child. They've kept her so busy jumping to their ever-changing whims that she cannot see them for who they really are: malignant narcissists. 

Blinded and Blindsided by betrayal

Not only do the parents blind her to reality, they blindside her with it. They weaponize her trauma and her trauma responses of kowtowing, tolerating intolerable things and people pleasing. They have her so confused with passive-aggressive mixed messages, their chaotic irresponsible behavior and enmeshed role reversal parentification that the child does not know which end is up. She only knows that something is very wrong and since it can never be her "bulletproof" parents, it must be her. And that lets us in for a whole new hell as we get older and encounter other pushy narcissists. 

What not to do with narcissists: pretty much all we've been doing

Children of narcissists developed a whole tool kit of coping skills for surviving our abusive parents. We humored, danced attendance, waited on them, stayed silent, kept secrets, and allowed them to hurt us to placate them. But these were for emergencies at best. They were not meant for daily interactions. Actually, we shouldn't have had to any of them in the first place. They were all dysfunctional and only served to see us  more harmed. So now that we are not in those situations, pretty much all we've done to get by, is now failing us. Here are a few of the things we've learned to do that haven't served us well. These may have been survival skills then but they harm us now. 

• Fawning
• humoring and placating
• letting people get away with harming us
• "obeying" their commands
• giving them their way
• going along to get along
• loving unconditionally
• fulfilling contracts we never signed
• not expecting reciprocity
• letting others call the shots 
• being loyal to disloyal people
• respecting disrespectful people
• abiding by transactions that the other person is violating
• letting others dictate terms
• letting them tell us "how it is" for us
• not calling irrelevant what it is
• letting people think they have buy in on things they don't
• complying with others' expectations 
• giving intel they use against us
• providing them narcissistic supply 

Decoding the trauma and rewiring the responses

We can't undo what was done. Arguably we can't even entirely rewrite our dysfunctional trauma responses. But we can decode it so that we read it correctly. And then we can use it to trauma inform our interactions going forward. Where we automatically go into placate and soothe mode whenever anyone intimidates us, we can now decide with full autonomy what to do. We now have the power and the voice to set boundaries and to set consequences for boundary crashers. 

New behaviors to practice with now narcissists

• Radical acceptance. Name the problem, to yourself. Accept that these are difficult people, that you can't change them. 
• Leave "Mrs. Fix-It" hat to home. No matter how someone may pressure to fix what you didn't break, resist the urge. 
• Say "no" and "I can't" to things that aren't your problem. No self-defense. They may browbeat, find fault, question and undermine you. Ignore them. You don't owe them an explanation. This was never your battle or burden. 
• Detachment. Unstick from stuck places where the narcissist has dragged you in. He wants to pick a fight? Side step it. Don't give him the satisfaction. Again, give no reasons. He'll figure it out or he won't. 
• Observe, don't absorb. When people spiral into narcissistic rage, I always thought it was my job to soothe and support them. That got me only kicking for my trouble. You can't "bear a bully's problems." He doesn't want a friend, he wants a victim. 
• Leave uncomfortable situations. Its perfectly okay to walk away from toxic people and places. If you have children relying on you, take them and go. When my mom threw a pie in my face at her company party, I wish I had cut contact with her then, and saved us all the hassle. 
• Say what you need. But be careful. Narcissists use needs against you. They future fake, lie and tell you one thing, break the promise, gaslight you that they never promised it. Then they attack you for being so "needy" "clingy" "attention-seeking" "overreacting" and bossy. If possible, meet your own needs and don't rely on them for anything. 
• Set boundaries but don't tell the narcissist. This is a red rag to a bullying narcissist. When they boundary crash, let whatever consequences you've decided on, take place. You've decided if she pitches a narcissistic bitch, you'll ask her to leave. Do it. 
• Don't shield them or take consequences of their behavior on yourself. Remember who owns the problem and who doesn't. 
• Keep mum on personal details. Narcissists are intel harvesters. They store up details to use against you. Having relationship troubles? Don't tell them. Find a safe person. 
• Listen with half an ear. Narcissists say a lot of antagonistic word salad (crap). They goad, pick fights, hint, use sarcasm, make cutting remarks, insult and do all manner of low blows. Don't let them hit the mark. Don't rise to the bait. Just know it's nonsense. 
• Keep your cool. When she makes provocative statements, pretend you didn't hear her. Then casually say, "what was that?" Like you're completely unconcerned but just being courteous. If she repeats it, just say "oh." And move on. 
• Float above it all. Imagine yourself just wafting along on the breeze when you're with them. You don't let anything pull you down. If he wants to say dumb stuff, let him. Don't validate it with a response. Suddenly be engrossed in what someone else is saying. He'll either have to repeat his nonsense and make a fool of himself or sit there sulking because he was all ready for a fight and no one gave it to him. Either way, he looks the fool. 
• Do. Not. Engage. No. Matter. What. Even if he's dredging up old stuff from the past to humiliate you, just stay calm. More than likely, you've made your apologies. If you even did what he accused you of. They're very good at rewriting history to suit their version. He's just trying to leverage your fawning, because he's feeling small. But he can't hurt you. What happened, happened. If you can't change the past to undo what as done to you, you can't change the past to undo whatever he says you did. Works both ways. 

The short "pocket-sized" edition

Here's a little checklist to keep with you and remind yourself when interfacing with a narcissist. 

Reframing the Past "We can't undo what was done. Arguably we can't even entirely rewrite our dysfunctional trauma responses. But we can decode it so that we read it correctly. And then we can use [it] to trauma inform our interactions going forward."

⚠️ The "Survival" Paradox "Children of narcissists developed a whole tool kit of coping skills for surviving our abusive parents... But they were for emergencies at best. They were not meant for daily interactions.... Pretty much all we've done to get by, is now failing us."

🛡️ The "Protective Shield" Checklist

• Observe, don't absorb: You cannot "bear a bully's problems." He doesn't want a friend, he wants a victim.

• Float above it all: Imagine yourself just wafting along on the breeze... Don't validate [their nonsense] with a response.

• Do. Not. Engage: If you can't change the past to undo what was done to you, you can't change the past to undo whatever he says you did.

Childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse is the gift that keeps on taking: Devalue and Discard Game

Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm exploring how it's the gift that keeps on taking your peace, serenity and normalcy. It steals your childhood, your self-esteem, your ability to defend yourself and ultimately, your self. It's the inheritance that keeps giving suffering, pain and anxiety long after the narcissists are gone. It's our enmeshed parents' legacy of gaslighting, weaponized chaos and FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that dogs you in learned trauma responses of fawning, people pleasing, silenced needs and loss of identity. 

Bespoke blame-shifting cycle

We children of narcissistic parents are trapped in abuse cycles of their making. They keep exploiting, enslaving, shaming, neglecting, scapegoating, endangering, abandoning, invalidating and dehumanized us. They create a personalized hell just for us. And they never suffer any consequences. They gaslight us that we are the problem. We caused them to do wrong. Or they just lie and say they never did these things. And we have been so conditioned to their abuse that we keep taking responsibility for them and their bad choices. And they just keep playing the Devalue and Discard Cycle game. 

How Devalue and Discard is played 

1. Idealization (The "Love Bombing" Stage)

Before the devaluation begins, there is often a period of extreme affection, intense attention, and overwhelming flattery. This creates a powerful trauma bond. You feel seen, understood, and perhaps even "saved." This stage is designed to make you emotionally dependent on the narcissist. For children, this is just the "being born" phase. Children love their unconditionally and naturally trust them. And normal parents normally love their child. But narcissistic parents exploit this for their own ends. They use the child's innate trust and love and give nothing in return that isn't heavily weaponized. 

"Narcissistic parents only give with endless strings attached. Any normal thing normal parents do, love, care for, nurture, is so expensive, the child can't afford it."

2. Devaluation (The Erosion of Self)

Once the narcissist has "hooked" you and secured your emotional investment, the mask begins to slip. In children of narcissists, this is just childhood. Children are indoctrinated in the parents' narcissistic cult of subservience and subverting all personhood.  This is the devaluation stage:

• Targeting Insecurities: They start to criticize things they previously praised.

• Gaslighting: They manipulate your reality, making you question your own memory, perceptions, or sanity.

• Weaponized Chaos: They introduce drama, conflict, or "the silent treatment" to keep you off-balance and constantly trying to "fix" things.

• Goal: The goal here is to reduce your self-esteem so that you are easier to control and more likely to accept their version of reality. They are effectively "training" you to tolerate abuse as your new baseline.

3. Discard (The Ultimate Rejection)

When you no longer serve the narcissist's needs—or when you begin to see through the manipulation and set boundaries—they often move to the discard stage:

• The Switch: They can become suddenly cold, detached, or cruel.

• Blame-Shifting: They will frame the ending of the relationship (or their withdrawal) as your fault. They will argue that you "made" them act this way or that you are "too much."

• Total Erasure: They may treat you as if you never mattered, which is deeply traumatic because it invalidates the entire history of the relationship.

  "A child that goes no contact with narcissistic parents was gone no contact with by them from the beginning."

Why this happens (The "Why")

It is helpful to remember that a narcissist does not view other people as separate individuals with their own needs. They view people as "narcissistic supply."

• When you are providing them with attention, admiration, or a platform to project their own feelings, you are "good supply."

• When you start to demand your own needs or point out their flaws, you become "bad supply."

• They discard or devalue you to maintain their own sense of superiority and to avoid the shame of being confronted with their own dysfunction.

Narcissistic parents' ultimate betrayal

Narcissistic parents terrorize us in many confusing ways. But I think the worst form of betrayal are their  hypocritical double standards. This includes gaslighting us into endless obligations while not providing basic things we need to survive. They neglect our healthcare, safety, security and physical needs. They deprive us of proper parental care. They indoctrinate us with role-reversal, parentification and parent enmeshment that we owe them, while they neglect, endanger, and abandon us. Any little breadcrumbing of care comes with many string attached. They make and break promises and then lie and say they never promised us anything and scold us for getting upset. So we stop getting upset. We let them do whatever they want. We get used to abuse. We develop betrayal blindness. And pretty soon, it's just our normal. I did not see the egregious abuse I lived in. It was so bad that it shocked my boyfriend. 

"We take this dysfunction into adulthood. We struggle to shake the false idea that we are beholden to our narcissistic parents. And we just as easily swallow the equally wrong idea that they owe us nothing."

The God Complex

Childhood trauma survivors have brain damage because our malignant parents rewired our brains to think only of them and  give no thought to ourselves. My Christian narcissist parents used religion to gaslight and brainwash me into subservience to them. They fiddled with Bible commands to make it look like serving them was serving God. They told me self-care was selfish. And that God said I had to put them above all else. It took me 60 years to see that the reverse was true. I was overly obedient and loyal to them while they were disobeying God's every command. They didn't serve anyone including their child. But since our parents are the first image of God we see, we think that they are God. They do too. 

⚠️ Religious narcissistic parents don't serve God, they play God. ⚠️

The cement of trauma bonding

Trauma bonding might be the hardest substance on the planet. Abuse, neglect, FOG (fear, obligation and guilt), parental chaos, exploitation, scapegoating, dehumanizing, are cemented in our brain's bedrock. It creates our betrayal blindness. Because normal parents that we see all around us, do NOT ACT THIS WAY. 

Paying it forward and emotional flashbacks

Ironically and sadly, traumatized kids take their trauma responses with them everywhere. And we also keep paying on contracts we never signed. We didn't even know our narcissistic parents had bound us to them. They kept us in the dark and distorted everything. We just knew constant shaming, humiliation, guilt and fear. We pay forward love we never received. And they just keep punishing us for failures we didn't commit to shield their own culpability. My trauma nightmares play this vicious, sick cycle out each night. But I'm starting  to wake up to some things. 

"I now realize every bad thing my mom and dad said about me, was true of them. THEY were selfish, oversensitive, haughty and self-righteous. THEY behaved immorally. But it still feels like it's me at fault. That's the poisonous nature of gaslighting. But it's also a start..."

Healing from the Cycle

For survivors of narcissistic parents, this cycle often feels "normal" because it was the environment you grew up in. Healing involves:

• Recognizing the pattern: Reminding yourself that the "idealization" phase was a strategic tactic, not a reflection of your worth.

• Ending the search for closure: Narcissists rarely provide genuine closure because it would require them to admit fault. Closure is something you must grant yourself by walking away from the cycle.

  
  
  

• Building "Betrayal Literacy": Learning the mechanics of this abuse (as I am doing now) helps dismantle the "betrayal blindness", allowing you to reclaim your identity and peace. 

  Memory-healing reminder: when they point the finger of blame at you, four more point back to them."💮🎕

I fell into it again.

 Hello my friends. I'm struggling today. I wasn't until one of the difficult/narcissistic people in my life reminded me yet again why I have to keep doing this narcissistic abuse recovery work. Yet again, I was invalidated, dehumanized, taken advantage of and scolded for the privilege of enduring it. My tolerance was weaponized. My patience was punished. Yet again, I innocently walked into it, unawares and got lambasted by narcissistic rage. All over a stupid bunch of bananas. 

I innocently asked if he wanted me to show him how to use the produce scale at Meijer. Not condescendingly. Because he always weaponizes incompetence and proclaims to "not get" how these things work. So I offered to explain it. Big mistake. Suddenly in the middle of the store, I'm being yelled at for not "explaining correctly" how to do something? And told it's my job to make him understand how to do it?

There was no precedent or problem. We'd just had a nice lunch. I was completely blindsided and baffled. I didn't know what he was even asking or what I was expected to do. I stood there feeling and probably looking foolish. I stayed calm wasn't even upset though I should have been. I just kindly kept rephrasing and apologizing. And he wouldn't back down from whatever high ground he thought he was on. It was crazy. 

I quietly asked him to please not be rude to me anymore, ridiculous, why should I have to beg someone to be kind? He said he wasn't rude and that was that. I just absorbed it like I always do. All was well and he was back to his happy self, till something set him off again, lather, rinse, repeat. Then a few days later, I heard a talk by Dr. Ramani explaining this kind of issue and I realized it had happened again. 

I did exactly the wrong thing and tried to confront him, politely. He's future faked so many times about how he needs to do better. I thought he would give me the comfort and validation I needed just then. But that was too much to ask, I guess. He just went right into backpedaling and being even more dismissive and gaslighty. He had actually forgotten it, again. He got right back up on that high horse and started DARVO, blame-shifting etc. 

Now I'm just a dysregulated, hot mess. And I did nothing to deserve any of it. 

The charm and charisma facade: predatory narcissism lurks behind the mask

Hello my friends on this journey. Today in my quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I am looking at the charisma trap. More specifically how notoriously charismatic people are often predators in disguise. A heartbreaking incident in our community involving a school dean and parent, was caught in incestuous pedophilia made this hit home for me. 

The Communal Narcissist Predator

Let's just sit with that for a minute, educator, teacher, mentor of students. What a perfect cover those are for CSA. He was actually the one responsible for implementing FERPA and CSA protocol within the school. What better way to hide your own abuse than as the one children lean on for safety? 

The Closet Saboteur 

And here's the clincher, for me. Amid the outrage, people also expressed shock that's such a "charismatic" man could be capable of such things. Why, he was a father of eight children, loving wife and family? Pillar of the community, youth minister. How could this happen, was wondered at. So I was saddened, but shocked, no. It's dangerous to put anyone beyond reproach. This is how pedophiles go undetected. Because we shield them. But behind the "immunity of community" is the first place we should be looking. 

Dressed to Kill 

Many people labor under the misunderstanding that pedophiles have a stereotypical look. That they are grubby, fringe-dwelling ne're-do-wells. That because someone wears cool clothing, looks good, is a "good Christian" and upstanding member of the community, he cannot also be guilty of heinous crimes. The fact is that his reputation is exactly what makes him a prime candidate for abusive and exploitative behavior. We need to start looking past the costume to the character inside. 

The Ironclad Charismatic

And that character is arrogant and above all rules. He believes he is bulletproof behind the Kevlar of his public image. And I realize that I knew and have always known since I was a child that such people were dangerous. I have never trusted "large and in charge" smooth talkers, people with popularity cult followings. Like big personality celebrities, ministers and leaders who can "do no wrong" in the eyes of their devotees. 

"Charm is a sales tactic. It's the big toothy grin of the used car salesman who's pushing a lemon and making you feel privileged to have your pocket picked."

The Charm Trap

The paradox lies in the charisma trap, the "shiny charm" of the predatory narcissist, as Dr Ramani puts it. Charm and charisma are facades behind which lurk ruthless, Machiavellian egomaniac BSers. These charlatans are only charming to get their way. They are extortionist who use charisma to get you to give them something you shouldn't. It lures the unsuspecting into a false sense of security. And then BANG! Gotcha. He's fleeced them and they didn't even see it happen. 

The Narcissistic Injury Reveal

Don't believe me? Just try saying "no" to these so-friendly shysters. Just watch the charm turn to sneering, scornful, narcissistic rage. Or try outing him. But good luck. Suddenly, he's not such a nice guy. His pride is wounded.  He's vindictive, and venomous. Or, even worse, he's fake penitent, vulnerable, oh so sorry. He weaponizes his "humility" to regain trust and then strikes. Very often, the victims end up being treated worse than the offender ever is. Which is why so many keep quiet. My narcissistic parents were downright vicious if they felt threatened. It is a frightening vendetta that never gets satisfied. 

They can turn charm on like a switch. And terrifyingly, turn it off just as easily.  

The Flock Mentality

Unfortunately, these people often have a lot of flying monkeys. And being the only one saying that the Emperor has no clothes puts you in their sites. They DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender) in defense of their narcissist cult leader. They crybully and call you the bad guy. They never believe a word said against him. They gaslight that YOU caused the problem, brought his creepy behavior on yourself. You were too sensitive, imagining things, exaggerating, showing off for attention. All of which cannot simultaneously be true. But flying monkeys aren't known for common sense. 

The Hazing of FOG

And so you don't say anything. You feel FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) to these people. You know they say you're just jealous of their success. You're spreading spiteful gossip or starting smear campaigns. Even your own friends don't believe you. So you start gaslighting yourself that the Emperor's new clothes look fine. You preserve the shiny image. Who's going to believe you anyway? There is no winning, nor even breaking even against a charming narcissist. There is only losing. 

What living in a narcissistic family cult taught me

I know because I was indoctrinated into a narcissistic cult called "family." I was subjected to them, made to serve them as an acolyte. I was gaslighted and catfished by these predators in parents clothing. I believed and trusted them because I was a trauma bonded betrayal blind, innocent and vulnerable child that no one protected. Everyone just turned a blind eye their abuse, neglect, parentification, exploitation, endangerment, deprivation, invalidation, scapegoating, abandonment and dehumanizing of me. 

Once bitten, twice shy

But ironically this inability to see my parents traitorship and betrayal, somehow gave me an uncanny ability to see it in others. I can't always do much about it besides see it. I have never trusted a charismatic or charming person since. Did I miss out on genuine people along the way? Eh, maybe? But it also kept me from getting taken advantage of. 

• ✀Homework for Healing

  • Beware of charmers. If someone seems too good to be true, believe they are a fraud. 
  • Watch for masks slipping. See the narcissistic smirk behind the sanctimonious smile.
  • Beware of their flying monkeys. They bite and they shit everywhere. 
  • Trust your gut. Literally, recognize that sick, nervous feeling in your stomach when predators are around. It's there to warn you. 
  • Do the Angelou. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Don't gaslight yourself that you misunderstood. You heard them correctly. 
  • Get away from them. Go low or no contact. Don't get lured in. You don't owe them any loyalty. You don't owe them anything. 
  • Take care of yourself, please. Look for safe people. Your sanity is more important than their vanity. 

Obedience and subservience as fawning childhood trauma response

Hello my fellow travelers on the recovery journey. Today as I work to heal childhood trauma responses from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm look at the dilemma of obedience. I'm seeing how surrendering autonomy and subservience are fawning trauma responses we performed to survive. I'm going to explore how dangerous "over obedience" is, not only to children in dysfunctional family systems but also in adult life.

Obedience without agency or reciprocity

Children of narcissistic enmeshed parents learned to unquestioningly and immediately obey every command issued. We learned to hypervigilantly anticipate others' needs and wants like well-trained servants. We were drilled in endless expectations and demands we were told we owed them. But we were never given basic tools with which to do the jobs. Our liberties were withheld. We had no authority or power even over ourselves. Parental enmeshment stole our personhood. And they gave us nothing but grief in return for all they took. 

Expected but never explained to

Using an arsenal of weapons like gaslighting, future faking, terrorizing, narcissistic rage fests, blame-shifting and DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender), our parents created a narcissistic fantasy world where we were their drudges. They placed all kinds of immoral, illegal, unethical and terrifying demands on us. And just expected us to know what they wanted and perform. My mom and dad (and their second spouses who were also my bosses) would say "you shouldn't have to be told what to do." This came after just hinting that I had somehow upset their partner (triangulation) and ruined everything. Their combined narcissistic rage was so explosive that I cried and begged to be told what I could do to fix it. I see now they didn't explain because they couldn't without outing themselves as the hypocritical, arrogant, unreasonable dictators they were. So I did my best but my best was never good enough for them. 

Rigidly plastic double standards

More rigid than any soldier in any military is the tyranny children of dark tetrad malignant narcissists live under. And it was even worse because the rules we were held to were ironclad yet plastic double standards. Others in the family were not held to these rules. Our parents bent their own rules to suit t themselves. And then, just when we thought we'd gotten it right, they changed randomly and didn't inform us until it was too late and we'd "broken" these unspoken commands. We constantly fawn to keep them happy but they are always angry. 

One Way Street of Obedience

So I feel the need to make a disclaimer about obedience. Yes, it is a good thing when done properly, for the right reasons and by everyone equally in the family. Parents owe their children obedience. They owe it first and without strings attached. They don't do good for their children just to get in return. That's transactional in the wrong direction. Yes, there's give and take. Relationships are transactional. But narcissistic parents only take good and give bad. Healthy parents model what it looks like to serve by serving their children. They model obedience to authority they themselves are under. Narcissistic parents don't obey anyone. They see authority as something to be flouted. They don't apply standards consistently and they break their own rule constantly. 

All the work, none of the perks

Probably the worst part of all this is that while dogged obedience and people pleasing was demanded of us, we were never given any authority with which to make all this happen. We carried the mental load and served them devotedly. But they gaslit us that we had no right to actually make decisions for ourselves. We had no power. I was made to parent their children but anytime I set a boundary with the kids, I was told I had no right to. I had to care for them but couldn't correct them. I had to be responsible for them, but wasn't allowed the tools to do the job. I was punished for anything they did. When the children were rude or disobedient to me, they laughed and encouraged them. I had to obey everyone including their children.  

"It is a profound betrayal for a child to be held to a moral code that no one else has to and even their own parents feel entitled to violate." 

 Enmeshed parents scapegoated, parentified and infantilized us. 

Religious gaslighting  

We were brainwashed to think all this over-obedience was God's will for us. And only for us. I never saw my parent graciously obey anyone, including God. I thought God made special exceptions for them. I was chastised with the rod of shame and FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) for infractions I never committed. I didn't understand this till a few years ago. The idea of me as a disobedient failure persists to this day. Because the more obedient you are to arrogant ruthless parents the more they treat you like a wayward brat. Disobedience is harshly punished but so is obedience. It's a lose-lose game. 

Obedience doesn't transition well

Fast forward to adulthood or what passes for that in narcissistically abused kids. We drag all this unconscious fawning, people pleasing, blind obedience with us. We obey everyone including adults who have no authority over us. We let them order us around and we comply. We follow through on dictums that they have issued but don't follow. We do all the work of fulfilling their commands while they just sit back and think up more commands for us. We let them tell us how it is and how it's going to be. We never open our mouths and say what we think. We abide by one-sided contracts we never signed. We still believe it's "talking back" or sassing to say no. We smooth over their bad actions and take the blame on ourselves. We communicate all their petulant demands to others in ways that are "nicer" and more palatable. We are go-betweens, liaisons and mediators. We do the heavy lifting of the mental load. 

My aha moment: 

I used to follow through silently on all the rules my husband handed down without even asking myself whether I agreed. After all, he was the "head of the household" and the father ( I was raised in a very patriarchal "father knows all" mindset. Then I woke up and realized I was doing all the following through on his rules I had never agreed to. I was the one making sure these lengthy groundings he'd set were abided by. And I thought it was a terrible idea. I tolerated spankings and even spanked myself though I didn't believe in it. And my husband was not an overtly bossy or controlling person. He sort of fell into the role I'd assigned him, that of Lord and Master. And me the ever obedient servant. 

Then one day I saw  how my dysfunctional family had set me up to be this groveling people pleaser. And I had enough. I started setting boundaries (not prettily, quite messy at first). I said I'd decide what commands I'd follow and plan on me not following anything that smacked of "command." Been there, done with that. I would be involved in all decisions in our family. I would be dictating some terms from now on.  

And funnily enough, he immediately understood and agreed this was long overdue "disobedience" on my part. He still throws his weight around occasionally (after all, I did kowtow to it for so many years). But then I just use my little word "no" as a complete sentence. I veto contracts I didn't agree to. I say my say. 

⚗️ Homework for Healing

We can't change the past, but we do have control over now. Healing means learning to sort fact from wrong-headed opinion.

Opinion: We owe obedience to all. No one owes us a thing.

Fact: Obedience is reciprocal and an option.

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Opinion: We must do all the work with no authority.

Fact: We have a voice and a choice.

Virtues narcissistic parents preach but don't practice: The "Beatitude Trap" of Childhood trauma

Hello my friends. Today in my childhood trauma recovery odyssey, I'm going to talk about why we let narcissists, particularly narcissistic parents hurt us so much. Why do we care about, invest in and agonize over people who never cared for, invested in or worried about us? Why do we let them get away with their entitled, arrogant, hypocritical abusive behavior? Why don't we just go no contact and be done with it? It's because we have practiced virtues and habits we were told were good, that are dangerous for children of narcissists. These "beatitudes" trap us into tolerating and even believing we deserve, their abuse. These are just more twisted, self-serving, gaslighting lies our narcissistic parents, religion, society, even psychology has used to torment us. 

Never give up

We are told how important "stick-to-it-ivenss" is. How giving up is failure. So we toughed out endless cycles of parent cruelty. We never quit on them. Yet we never stopped to think how they had given up on us, let us down, failed and bailed on us. We keep hoping, trusting in and believing in them. We keep on keeping on, in these one-sided relationships and our parents keep dropping the ball again and again. Because they have trauma bonded us into their service. 

Be a good girl

What this even means, no one said. So it meant different things to different people. And how that has been perverted and abused by our narcissistic parents! To some it meant us enduring abuse, neglect, abandonment and never saying anything. It was exploited to include every weird, inappropriate demand imaginable. It meant people pleasing, kowtowing, tolerating intolerable things, keeping dirty secrets and staying small. While my parents were badly behaved, arrogant, haughty, trouble-making bullies. But I kept trying to be perfect to compensate for their misdeeds. I didn't learn till recently that this just made them worse. As we keep taking the consequences for them and bowing lower, they keep adding demands and moving hoops we're expected to hop through.  And sadly we don't realize till it's too late, if ever, that we were never going to please them anyway. I could never be a good enough girl. 

Conscientiousness 

Every report card I ever got always praised me for being conscientious. I was called "mature." I followed through on promises, obligations and responsibilities. I paid debts. Turns out a lot of those weren't my responsibility. My parents had parentified me with FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) into doing their jobs for them. With no payment or reciprocity.  But it was too late. I was already a mini adult by age 5 and serving immature, demanding, whiny brat parents who habitually future faked, broke promises and let me down.  

Responsible

Another kudo I heard a lot which came back to bite was that I was so responsible. People said that being reliable, taking charge, doing the heavy lifting, was a good thing. And just another thing my narcissistic parents (all four of them) exploited to make me their forever servant, skivvy, scapegoat, surrogate spouse and parents, primary caregiver, live-in free nanny, provider. I was their Broken Vending Machine Child, dispensing treats right and left and never getting any remuneration. 

Helpful

Another virtue ruined by boundary crashing enmeshed parents who expected us to fulfill every need, want, whim they had. Not only did my parents use me a slave, they enslaved me to their new partners and all their new kids. While being were very unhelpful to me. They didn't do bare minimum of caregiving, assisting, supporting me. They failed to  provide basic necessities like shelter, a home, a proper bed, food, clothing, medical care. All the while pampering themselves and demanding that I pamper them. 

Fortitude

This virtue of "strength" and endurance is praised in adults. In children of narcissists, it is exploited. Many of us had to be too strong, endure too many awful things that would fell an adult. There's no soldier that has faced anything so traumatizing as the vile deeds of malignant narcissist parents. We can never leave the front line. Our war never ends. Our battle scars never heal. And society just turns a blind eye and calls it normal. And we go on enduring long past the point of no return. We keep reforming scars that they keep reopening. 

Courage

To continue the "warrior" metaphors, courage and bravery mean very different things when applied to abused kids. Being brave for us means keeping quiet about things we should be shouting from the rooftops. It means absorbing parent toxicity and shouldering burdens we  never should have had to. It means letting nasty people repeatedly hurt us and having nothing to protect ourselves with. Being told self-defense is disobedient and self-care is selfish. It means broken trauma responses and betrayal blindness. It means being suffering coercive control, identity theft, being stolen from, taken advantage of and having to roll over for it all. 

Resilience

It makes me sick when people parrot this stupid axiomatic nonsense about how kids are so resilient. They're not. They are young, impressionable and easily manipulated. They don't just "bounce back" from chaos, abuse and trauma. The people who tout this just prove that they are abusing the child's innate trust. Narcissistic parents, who are self-pitying, grudge-holding, spiteful whiners who never get over anything, assure themselves of their child's resilience, so they can sleep at night. But it's bullshit. 

Humility

Ugh, how I hate how this seemingly positive virtue gets twisted. We get told to be humble by arrogant Machiavellian hypocrites who ride herd over everyone. Who never submit with grace to any authority. Who demand subservience and never serve anyone. Traumatized kids humble themselves too much as our parents walk all over us. What we believed was humility was humiliation. They mocked us and  told us we're too sensitive. Our insensitive oversensitive parents do unspeakably things and tell us we're attention-seeking and overreacting if we react to it. Then they get their feelings hurt over the least little narcissistic injury. 

Trust

Good in general, bad in specific. Because trust shouldn't be given until earned. Yet we were expected to trust strangers who had proved to be dangerous, because our parents got mad if we didn't. We were expected to trust our parents and believe the best of them despite them breaking faith and showing us that they did not have our best intentions at heart. They used us for their own ends and abused our trust. And they never trusted us and taught us to distrust ourselves. Our unreliable parents told us we were untrustworthy and we grew up believing them because parent gaslighting is real and really powerful. 

Obedience

Funny how disobedient people tell everyone how they should obey. Rule-breakers and those who feel themselves above the law, are very quick to "enforce" their own ridiculous, nonsensical user-created rules on others. This is gaslighting 101. And we poor kids believed that obeying was a good thing. And it sure as hell was dangerous not to. Little did we know it would "break us" and make us into doormats. 

Selfless giving

My selfish parents loved to browbeat me with a lot of bespoke religious mumbo-jumbo. They'd prat about how God said I had to give and give and not count the cost. This applied only to me. They counted every cent they gave me, which wasn't much. They demanded it back with interest. They said I "owed them" for being given life. And then reminded me they owed me nothing, not even basic care. That parenting was some kind of choice they chose not to do. They played the role reversal game, teaching me that I  had to parent them. "Family does for family" meant they were my family burden while I wasn't their family. I had to pay out with no thought of repayment but when I needed anything, it suddenly became very transactional, with them expecting repayment in full. Those double standards have been one of the most brain-damaging impacts in my life. 

Hard Work

Ever notice how some people brag, from their La-Z-Boys, about how hard they work, and compare it to "others" who are so lazy?  A traumatized kid like me could never see the irony in that. I never admitted that these same people were deadbeats who expected to be waited on by the same people they called lazy. And excuse me, raising my hand here, there's no hard worker like a child who is made to serve and parent her parents. The hours I logged mopping floors on hands and knees, vacuuming, ironing, dusting, washing dishes, laundry, cooking, waiting on, performing for, co-sleeping and waking up with their kids so they could "get their rest." The list goes on. 

Devotion and Dedication

Sounds good in theory. But the simple problem here is we were too dedicated to people who dedicated nothing to us. We were too devoted, devoted too much time and energy to, people who were faithless. 

Discipline

The paradox here is that we were too self-disciplined and then harshly and punitively punished by our undisciplined, erratic, chaotic, self-righteous parents. What they called "discipline" was beating, slapping, depriving, excluding, humiliating, shaming, goading, bullying, harassing, setting up, attacking, raging at, lying to and about, smear campaigns against us, scapegoating, emotionally blackmailing us. I still to this day, feel so ashamed of  myself for things they said I did that I can't recall ever imaging let alone doing. 

Respect

Again, it's the most disrespectful hypocrites who demand respect as their right, which they have not earned from others. Normal people never talk much about all this respect we're supposedly entitled to. We just go about the business being respectful. And then kids of narcissists take it too far. We do all kinds of self-harming things in the name of respecting others. We let them abuse us. We don't know that respect shouldn't hurt. And the self-respect is important too. 

Sacrifice

Another one-way street we drive up the wrong side of the road upon. We were never sacrificed for, by our parents whose job it really was to do. We were groomed on this crazy idea, that "family" meant making sacrifices. And so we sacrificed, never considering how few if any were made for us. Or that parents are the ones who sacrifice, not kids. But if you are the scapegoat, you're also the sacrificial lamb. I never dared aspire to anything beyond being babysitter despite being a very gifted student. When I took the COPS and CAPS test in 8th grade, it took the national test proctors literally telling my teacher to explain to me that I needed to set my sights higher and not waste my talent. 

Loyalty

I hate this word. It means nothing. It's a non-sequitur that gets misused all the time to create a false sense of obligation. Try to define loyalty. It's difficult to do without implying that it's something we owe. And narcissistic parents used it to gaslight us into believing we had to line up and sign up for every scam they tried to sell us. While being very disloyal to us. Narcissistic parents "cheat on" their kids at every turn.  They use this blanket loyalty we're said to owe them, to justify very immoral, unethical, illegal, dangerous abuse. 

Their mantra is: No matter what I'm doing, no matter how bad, you have to approve and stand by it. 

Forgiveness

This is more observed in the breach with narcissists. They demand forgiveness without apologizing, being sorry or changing their behavior. They tell us it's carte blanche we have to give them. And they use forgiveness as a license to continue abusing us. And they never forgive us. They bring up every little mistake every chance they get. They have amnesia about their elephantine wrongs, and the memory of an elephant for anyone else's slightest error.