Handicaps that neglected kids of dark tetrad parents struggle with

Hi friends. In my pursuit of healing from dark tetrad parent abuse, I'm looking at ways they fubared me. Childhood trauma specialist Patrick Teahan recently addressed one essential issue that has plagued me for six decades. But which I've never been able to grasp because it was hidden in plain sight (like so much of narcissistic parent abuse). Dark tetrad parents handicap their children and make simple things other kids take for granted, overwhelming challenges. Patrick said it better than I can but I will try to give you some idea of what just a few of those things are. 

Necessities security. My mother once told her family (operative phrase there, it was never mine according to her because she owns and controls everything), that "sometimes we don't get enough to eat" speaking of her golden daughter and second husband. That's not true but what is, is that I didn't, as a kid and teen. I often didn't have a safe place to sleep or a bed, either. I walked to school in deep snow to get to my job so I could earn money for sanitary napkins they didn't provide. My hair froze. I was hidden homeless, being passed around like a unpaid servant to do the heavy lifting. So simple things like a school lunch or transport were not a given in my life. We were not poor. They had beds, blankets, food, even toys. I was poor. I have stolen food because I was so hungry. 

School and social activities. No one came to events or if they did it was inconsistent. I could never volunteer them to drive for field trips even though there were six unemployed drivers living in my house (two where shacked up in my room and two more in the basement, and two more on the living room floor.) I had to get rides with creepy guys who wanted me to sit on their laps in exchange. No one cared or even knew. 

Shelter. I didn't have a home, I had a job where I stayed. I lived at work. Both my mom and dad had foster care homes in which I was expected to work like an unpaid employee in exchange for food. My mother moved various adults in and they slept in my room while I slept with the kids. It was a flop house at best and a brothel in reality. She called this her mission work. She preached and went to church. At 16, I was kicked out of the house by my mom's deadbeat husband with her approval. I had to squat with an old lady who kindly took me in. Mother and husband still went to church but I was too humiliated to go anymore. My dad and his wife (for whom I'd previously been employed) knew and didn't care. No one did. 

Friends. I couldn't bring friends into a situation like that because they're kids and shouldn't be exposed to that. My  mother would flirt provocatively with my boyfriends and that concerned me. And their parents wouldn't let them if they knew. But it was good enough for me. I did have one friend who saw some of the disturbing things but she never knew about the worst. I sheltered her from that like I did my grandparents. 

Hobbies and interests. Those were frowned upon by the dark tetrad parents. It might take time away from chores and duties. Oh I should absolutely be interested in what they and their kids were interested in. So I could "help out" yanno. And watch the kids while they did their thing.  But independent hobbies, no. There was no time for me to do my homework or space to have a desk let alone a place to set up even a small project. That was all reserved for the real members of the family. Servants don't have interests, silly mar, they just exist to serve. When I was 14, I got a race car set for Christmas which my brothers had wanted but my dad and stepmom ran out of money after getting all the other stuff they wanted. So I was given what amounted to another gift for them and made to play with it with them. 

Education. How I managed to do as well as I did in school is nothing short of a miracle. I had no desk or safe place to study. I had to walk to school and get there early for work for necessities. with no winter coat or boots in Michigan winters. I couldn't participate in activities unless I could cadge a ride. On the rare occasions my dad came he just sat disapprovingly. When I graduated head of my class and then Magna Cum Laude (it would have been Summa if I had taken the recommended 15 and not 21 credits per semester) he just sniffed scornfully and said you didn't need college to be successful. Translation: he couldn't handle it. My mother showed up, showing off as usual, lying to my extended family about the fact that I wasn't even living at home. 

Transportation and Driving. When I finally was able to save up enough money to take driver's training, I was way behind the others. And I had never sat behind the wheel of a car. My instructor was flabbergasted that my parents had never taught me. They couldn't be bothered to make sure I had transportation. I walked everywhere or biked when someone bothered to get me one. Although they had fine vehicles and drove everywhere, even my stepfather who was too lazy to get a job. And don't even get me started on how no one helped me get my first car and I ended up with one that was such a dangerous wreck it nearly killed me several times because it was all I could afford. 

Fitting in. I used to get mocked at school for my ragbag clothing and free lunches. And for not knowing about TV shows because I wasn't allowed to watch it. And for not being able to participate because I had to get home to chores and because I had no money or way to get there. My dad  wouldn't let me walk around the corner to go skating when I earned my own money. But then he wouldn't take me either. I see now it was just to keep me home and on the clock when duty called. I lied once and said I had a ride when I didn't. I walked around the corner. He grounded me from going again. Convenient for him. 

Just doing basic things now, is difficult for me. I'm kind of ignorant about simple things most kids did every day. 

 

Declaring liberty from sins of the dark tetrad dictatorship

 Hello my friends. A Happy and Blessed Easter to you. At mass we heard how Jesus proclaimed liberty to captives and set them free from the bonds of sin. This is very good news indeed for those of us who lived under the thumbs of dark tetrad dictators. We're free! I've also come to understand that the bondage to sin might not be what I've always thought it was. And this is going to raise a few eyebrows for sure. Well, most of what I've been blogging about lately has flown in the face of traditional thinking so why stop now when I'm on a roll? 

We have always read slavery to sin to mean our own. Or those of us with a conscience have, that is. And that is certainly what those who ignore theirs would like us to believe. Those who have enslaved us to their self-serving, exploitative, hurtful, remorseless demands would love nothing more than for us to believe their abuse is our fault. But now I think that what God has freed us, the enslaved from, are the sins of our oppressors, as much or more even than our own. 

Dark tetrad (narcissistic, selfish, arrogant, manipulative, sadistic) people do not serve, they expect to be served. And we who are their children, spouses or even parents, are at their mercy. Especially we the children. We don't grow up, we grow in, to them. They enmesh with us and steal our personhood and subjugate us. They shame us into prostrating ourselves before them, serving and caring for them, pandering to their egos, making effigies to their glory, surrendering our needs, wants, aspirations to them. 

They make themselves our God. We are required to break the commandment and have other gods before the God. They make us place them above God. And they are more demanding than He ever was. They scapegoat us into taking on their sins. They humiliate, mock and scorn us. They self-righteously tell us how to live our lives and enumerate all the ways we've supposedly failed God. They exult in our failure because they believe it makes them look holy by contrast. 

In their unbridled greed and pride they cause us to worship them and punish us if we don't. So we break that commandment too. They burden us with their sins and shame us into thinking they are ours. They lay rules on us that they do not follow and then lie and tell us these are God's law. They tie sacks of rocks to our backs that they don't help carry. They just add more rocks. 

They scourge us with their vain, haughty, disdain. They terrorize us with malicious, vicious, slanderous lies. The whip us with cruel, wicked, spiteful deeds. They dictate how we are to act when they hurt us. They allow us no recourse. We must bear it all in perfect submission. They must never be questioned, let alone confronted. They must be obeyed. They must never feel ashamed even when it is the logical consequences of their own behavior. We must take even that on ourselves as the whipped but also the whipping post. 

They must always be justified. They are blameless, above reproach. It's always our fault. We sin by taking on their sins. Only God can do that. We sin by turning a blind eye to, excusing, exonerating, expunging their unrepented sins. Because they must never be called to repentance. That is their prerogative. They are the stone-throwers. They don't show mercy, but mercy must always be shown to them. Even when they are not sorry. 

They hold back the floodgates of righteousness, and yet demand that it pour forth from us like an everlasting flood. They go out of their way to avoid doing good. They withhold loving kindness when it would easier to show it. They complicate the simple truths of Jesus. They twist his words to their own ends. 

They make themselves stumbling blocks for others. They ensnare their victims and pressgang  them into serving their own selfishness. They bunch of the rug so she falls over it. And then laugh when she gets hurt. And punish her for crying. And attack her for stepping over their trap. They ambush and attack her for NOT falling prey to them. For daring to follow God, heed his words and obey His commands. 

Like shyster lawyers, they lay traps for us. They pervert the course of justice. They distort facts and bend truth to their will. They bear false witness against us. They lie and say we did the crimes they actually committed. They pass unfair judgement on us and harshly condemn us. They set us up to fail and then get mad and attack us if we don't. 

Yet if they are ever accused, they claim all sorts of special dispensation. They weren't interrupting, they just thought she was done when she was still saying a word. It was a mistake, they say. Everyone makes them. They didn't mean to. It was taken the wrong way. They were misunderstood. It was just a joke, not hurtful comments. They were just lightening the mood, not dismissing someone. They were just looking at their phone not ignoring someone, making her feel invalidated. They make endless excuses for themselves because they are proud and not repentant. They do not humble themselves because they feel owed but never owing. 

And yet, none of these special exemptions they claim, do they once offer when it's them on the bench. The same mercy they cry of the court they refuse to others. They pass strict sentence on the very sins they routinely commit. They expect and are granted forgiveness for mountains of debt and demand payment in full with interest of tiny or nonexistent debts they feel are owed them. They micromanage others specks and are blind to their own boards. They swallow the camel of their own transgressions and choke on the gnats of others' mistakes. They are unequally yoked with believers who are pulling towards God while the dark tetrad pulls away. 

When you do something healthy, for yourself, they get angry. When you keep calm and quiet in the face of harassment, they blame you for "holding grudges." When you walk away from their unpleasantness, they accuse you of taking revenge. When you refuse to engage or allow yourself to be harmed by their toxic behavior, they pout, rage, give you the silent treatment, withhold affection and generally punish you. They do not have your best interests at heart, they just want things easy and comfortable for themselves so they don't have to change or improve. 

But freedom from this captivity has been declared and it can never be taken back. 

Can Christians be narcissistic dark tetrads? All too easily, I'm afraid

 Hi friends. I've been looking a lot lately at how dark tetrad people think. Dark tetrads are arrogant, entitled, remorseless, exploitative and cruel. I've used the term Christian dark tetrads to describe my four parents. And you may be asking can a Christian also be narcissistic and "dark?" Doesn't that defeat the purpose of Christianity? They surely can and well spotted, it most definitely does.  I would add that Christian narcissists are quite common. Religious "holiness" is the perfect guise for wickedness and a great method for gaslighting, deceit and lies that characterize dark personalities. The belief system fits right in with their evil minded agenda. How is this? 

Dark tetrads love free shit. But they also like withholding from people. They love stuff and they use people. Healthy folks do it the other way around. Dark Tetrads love owning so much that they will lie, steal and cheat. Because their vain, arrogance tells them they are entitled to whatever others have that they want. Without earning it, with no strings attached and AND they believe they have the prerogative to withhold from others, even that which rightfully belongs to the other person. It's this constant paradox that they exploit to maximum personal benefit. And it's how Christian beliefs tally nicely with their exalted status. 

Forgiveness, eternity, salvation are all freely given by God to mankind. Every. Single. One. Of. Us. But dark tetrads pervert God's gift in two ways. First, they twist it into something they have merited or "won." "Winning" is essential to dark tetrads, preferably at someone else's expense. They prefer to con, scam and score off others rather than winning on their own merits. Dark tetrads aren't about giving and sharing, they are about stealing, cheating and hoarding. 

There are some self-proclaimed Christians that even talk about winning  their salvation and winning others for Christ. (Spent far too much of my valuable time with these people, regrettably).  They use it synonymously with earning, even suffering and sacrificing.  But they didn't win or earn anything. Jesus did. They just accepted the gift He gives. As we all do. But they twist salvation into being due to great and noble deeds that THEY have done. And they expect salvation as their due, not as a gift of God. But you hear precious little from them about how they actually follow the Christ they are named for because...

Dark tetrads expect without condition. They take what they want without paying for it. And there is a cost to salvation and that is humility and love of others. Neither of which appeal to dark tetrads. In order to get salvation we must try to live as best we can like God wants us to. We don't get the free stuff and still get to keep the old selfish ways of doing things. BUT this is exactly what the dark tetrad demands: the perks without the work. But, BUT they also contrarily and contradictorily lay heavy burdens on others that they do not bear themselves. Because...

It's all about THEM, not God. They do things for show, for effect, for attention. They pervert everything, including even the tenets of their faith for their own ends. They love the sound of their own voices (Jesus warned of Pharisees who do this). They preach at other people what to do, how to act, what God wants. They preach in such a way that makes it sound like they have special intel from God into our hearts and minds. And it's always dirt they have on us, supposedly. They gaslight you into believing God has revealed (they adore that bombastic word) to them all this wickedness in you. 

He hasn't. They just do this to turn the spotlight away from their wretched behavior. And wow do they exploit this. They bind you up to all manner of guilt and shame and then lie and say they have none. Because (wait for it) they have confessed it to God and God has "forgiven them." And you, because you believe a genuine version of Christianity believe them. You don't question why it is that they have never confessed or even admitted to any human person anything they've done. What they have done is  lied, backpeddled, blame shifted and distorted. They have never taken responsibility for their actions. And they have laid their crimes at your door. And if you are a person with an already overactive conscience (raises hand here) you take all their shame and blame on yourself. 

But if you would just for once, stop and listen to what they are saying, you will see the long con in their words. Remember I said they speak as if they have secret insider knowledge into God, scripture and even your heart? They don't. You can read the Bible for yourself. You are perfectly capable of understanding and coming to God on your own. But they don't want you to know that. They need you to go through them. They con you into thinking you need their personal Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval. They do this to protect the scam they've set up. They are skimming off the profits and presenting a very false doctrine. Christianity is all an elaborate charade for them. 

Because you will notice, if you stop and look,  that they don't follow the commands they lay on you. They don't bear witness. They get even that wrong. They'll brag about "witnessing" but they do this in word only, not deed. They don't show, they tell.  They do not model humility, repentance, love, kindness, gentleness, meekness, self-control, temperance, modesty. The fruits of the spirit. In their vain minds, they are above such rules. They are "hearers and preachers of the word, not doers." They bind other people up to burdens they do not carry themselves. Dark tetrads also preach false doctrine and tell people they have to do things God never said they had to. And they forbid things God never has. 

They proclaim to preach salvation but they don't. Because they don't really want other people to come to actually know God. Because then they wouldn't have the edge. They wouldn't have something to hold over others. They don't anyway, they just think they do because they are selfish and arrogant. Remember I said they don't share, they hoard?  Dark tetrads delight in shaming others. They live to tell people off, bury them in guilt and shame, watch them drown and sell popcorn. While they take God's gift without following him. They are the ones steeped in shame. But they need you to buy into their Ponzi scheme to protect the selfish, self-serving "reality" they have created.  

I'm absolutely exhausted now, but later I'll blog about what you can do to avoid being sucked in. 

Why forgiving dark tetrad parents' abuse may be the worst thing you can do

Hello my friends. I had yet another awful trauma nightmare from dark tetrad parent abuse last night. And when I woke, after the fear and panic subsided, I was left wondering about forgiveness. Why are we so preoccupied with forgiving abuse, neglect, endangerment, exploitation, invalidation, gaslighting, malicious spite, violence, abandonment? Why are we in such an all-fired hurry to forgive cruelty we've lived with all our lives and sometimes only began to recognize as abuse when we are senior citizens? Why are we so worried about our abusers and not more concerned with understanding and healing the damage they inflicted on us? Why is everything about what's best for them?

The answers to those questions are simple. And they are some of the reasons we ARE so damaged. Everything has always been about what is best for them. And very often that was what was dead worst for us. Forgiving isn't to heal us, though we're gaslit into believing it is. Forgiving as it's generally understood is about protecting abusers and giving them licence to abuse. 

I'm going to explain, or attempt to, why I now believe that rushing to forgive abuse might be one of the most dangerous things you can do. I recognize that this flies in the face of conventional wisdom but if you'll hear me out, I think it will make sense. 

Let's begin by understanding the very unilateral nature of the relationship between scapegoat child and dark tetrad parents. The child does not exist as a person. She is only a tool, a pawn, a cat's paw. She does the heavy lifting and they do the tying of rocks to her back. The scapegoat child of dark tetrad parents must ALWAYS put her parents first. No matter how neglectful, hurtful, mean and nasty they are. No matter that they have always excluded us from good and reserved bad for us. And it gets worse. We do this BECAUSE they have been so awful. They pirated our selves and groomed us to feel worthless, lifeless servants. They broke us for normal, healthy life. 

Everything is ALWAYS about them. They come first, last and always. So why would they not weaponize even their abuse for pity? Why would they not expect mercy when they neither show it nor feel remorse? Why would they not weaponize their child's guilt and shame that they planted in her to their own ends? That's a dark tetrad's M.O. Expect, demand, take, pirate, steal, cheat, lie and distort. 

And the M.O. of their victim child is to obey, comply, give in, give them what they demand, be a doormat for abuse. It was dangerous for her NOT to be these things. And if they are "religious"  dark tetrads, oh so much the worse. Now they have an entire arsenal for abuse in scripture which they wield like Commandos. And what does scripture say we are to do with those who persecute us? Forgive them. 

And we who have suffered at the hands of dark tetrad parents are so very good at forgiving. They don't have to apologize or even ask. They're not sorry. They're never wrong. Anything they do wrong is someone else's fault. Which,  to a non abuse-brain damaged person, will sound paradoxical because it is. If they aren't sorry and think they've done no wrong why do they also demand forgiveness? Because they want it all. I didn't see that then but I do now. And that leads me to the conclusion that forgiving a dark tetrad in the commonly understood definition is like handing them an ICBM. 

So first, let's play detective and ask some W questions? Who is the victim, who is the perpetrator and who is pushing forgiveness? The narcissist will paint herself as victim, always. Even, and this is so laughable, when SHE is the one who did the hurting. On purpose, willfully. She somehow manages to both accuse her victim and excuse herself. So let's just establish that she is not the victim but the perpetrator. 

Now, who is pushing forgiveness and why are they? Well, the victim child doesn't need to because that is her default response anyway: exonerate, expunge, excuse everything bad thing mommy and daddy do. The ones pushing forgiveness are people who have not been hurt by the dark tetrad. They are impartial judges: priests, ministers, counselors, other family members, favored siblings, flying monkeys. They freely dispense "wisdom" and advice  which costs them nothing. They don't want to know the actual circumstances of abuse. They are curiously blind, silent and ignorant when it is happening. 

They don't know jack shit about the hell the dark tetrad has forced on the child. And care even less. But yet they feel entitled to shame, pass  judgement and dictate what the victim "should do" about it. What is right and correct and good and Godly, in their opinion. What is good for the child, no one gives a fat rat's ass about. No one lifts a finger to help with the chaos and devastation the dark tetrad has wreaked. And ballsyest of all, if and when the poor kid finally gives in to the despair her parents have pushed her into, everyone wags scolding fingers at HER! They just keep pratting at her to forgive, suck up, ignore, bend over for more crap. 

Why do they do this? I have no clue. I don't' think or act like this. It's disgusting. I believe it has to do with them feeling a sense of self-righteousness with their holy-sounding cant. But what they don't stop to consider is how they are playing right into the dark tetrad's hands. 

The dark tetrad manipulates and gloats over this and how. The sanctimonious preachers have just handed them plateful of reasons to continue abusing unchecked. They've been confirmed in their arrogant supremacy. Literally, no one and nothing can touch them. Not even God. He just smiles benevolently on it all, the victim child believes. Her persecutors are free to do as they wish with complete immunity. It's all the kid's responsibility. She the fault and the cause and the one expected to fix. She has clean herself up after they shit on her, dig her own grave and make it all alright for the parents.   And bonus added, she has to feel guilty to them for her brokenness and thank them for the privilege of being hurt by them. 

Am I saying not to forgive? Yeah, sure am. And further more, I think God is saying this as well. Not in the traditional way, that is. Forgiveness is not condoning, ignoring or approving. I do not think God wants abused children no matter how old they are, to allow self-centered people to continue to hurt them. That is devil's work. It's certainly not good for us, our soul or our healing. How can we heal if our abusers have been given dispensation to continue ripping our wounds open?

I think it's time to put the horse before the cart with dark tetrads. It's NOT about what they deserve, are entitled to or demand. It's about what they are expected to do. As per scripture, God expects the dark tetrad to humble themselves, renounce wickedness, confess what they have done to their child, to the child, not just "in their heart" or their stupid little prayer closets. Closets hide a lot of wickedness and have a lot to answer for, just saying. 

God holds us all, including the dark tetrad to rules and regulations. They  are not above it all and He warns them not to think they are. They are required to "leave their gift at the altar and go make it right with whomever they hurt." And change their ways. I don't think the child is expected to do anything but accept that it happened and try to heal. That is genuine forgiveness. Maybe it also involves not taking revenge. But that's a slippery slope because the dark tetrad has the victim so shamed that she thinks anything she does to protect herself is revenge. Remember how everything is about them and what "hurts" them? 

But the chances of dark tetrads actually feeling remorse and making confession are nil. They want all the perks with none of the work. So it seems to me that forgiving isn't healthy for the dark tetrad either. Encouraging them to arrogantly think they are beyond God's law is a one-way trip south. And that's how we got in this situation in the first place. That's how we got so wounded. 

Healing CPTSD from narcissistic abuse means doing uncomfortably different things

 Hello my friends and a blessed Good Friday to you all. Today in my quest to heal CPTSD from a lifetime of narcissistic and dark tetrad parent abuse, I'm doing something different. And it feels weird and uncomfortable. And the responses I'm getting are unexpected and quite refreshing. What I'm doing is what I need, want and feel is right for me, not what others have dictated that I "should" do. Here's how.

As a Catholic I'd normally spend Good Friday, doing what is prescribed as penitential, fasting, sitting and kneeling at church all afternoon for Stations of the Cross and mass. I'd have gone to reconciliation multiple times.  And I'd still be miserable, shame-tortured and confused. I've never done anything by halves. And when converting to Catholicism as an adult, I went into it with my whole heart and soul. But it never did anything to assuage the mountain ranges of trauma and shame. In some ways, it made them bigger and worse. 

Am I saying the Church or  Good Friday practices are wrong or bad for me? Absolutely not, for most people. I was wrong for them. And they were broken for me. I have lived my life in the chaotic, anxious, frightening, dangerous, unhealthy and unsafe spaces I was pushed into. This was caused by the malignant, selfish, arrogant, manipulative cruelty of four four dark tetrad parents. They have abused, neglected, abandoned, tortured, endangered, exploited, enslaved, enmeshed, scapegoated, parentified, invalidated, shamed and gaslit all my life. And worst of all, they did it in the name of God. They taught me a false God that was themselves.   

So I don't fit in any form of religion or worship. I was made to completely contradict Bible teachings and worship other gods (my parents and their spouses) before the God. I was made to serve not two but four masters, none of whom was the God. I had to, in order to survive.  So now, scripture, prayer, sacraments, everything is confusing to me because it all goes against what I was taught. And the most confusing thing of all is that they proclaim, loudly and proudly to be Christians.  They tell others that they are ministers, teachers and leaders. They arrogantly tell others what to do. While behaving in and subjecting me to, very debauched, immoral and evil ways they preach against. 

Let me just stop here and say, I know, every time I write this, that it sounds exaggerated. Maybe you think I've made it up. Maybe you don't. But the voices in my head sure do. You wouldn't be the first if you did. I was told all my life that I was too sensitive, paranoid, deceitful, arrogant, showing off, disobedient, angry, disloyal, a failure, etc. Which made any form of faith life baffling as hell too. I'm not swearing there. It is hellish. I wish I was making this up. I wish I was just exaggerating. I wish I didn't always feel and quite frankly, look, like a freak. 

It isn't even a matter of believing, having faith, etc. I was told to put my faith in people who said this was obedience to God. I wish I had been more disobedient. I wish I'd rebelled. At least then I might have been able to discover the real God behind all this deception and chicanery. I didn't even do it for self-preservation. That flew out the window early on. I was in danger much more often than not. In fact, I didn't even learn fear. I got so used to be terror, shock, trauma, shame and self-loathing that I didn't know it from anything else. Like Eros says in Sherlock, "which one is pain?" 

So where am I going with all this? What am I doing differently this Good Friday? I'm shutting out the shame voices and listening to what I believe is the real God speaking. Normally I would be sitting in church, in excruciating pain. Part of the abuse and neglect took the form of neck, spinal, joint and hip damage from enforced heavy labor and untended medical issues. I'd be sitting in confession trying to explain this to someone who has no rubric or protocol for dealing with the kinds of things I've lived. I'd leave feeling more hurt, ashamed and unloved than before (this is not the priest's or anyone in my now's fault). 

So what I'm doing today, is sitting at home in a comfy chair, writing out my trauma. While my husband goes to confession and stations of the cross. This is what is right for him and doing what I'm doing seems like what's right for me. This is my confession. My prayer. My sacrifice. I offer up all the suffering over the years from dark tetrad abuse. And all the deadly and dysfunctional trauma responses it has created in me. I will  join my husband for the parts I can. And which I can do without added trauma and pain.

Is it all about me? Yes, when it comes to choices I make for myself. I didn't think so but I do now. I never have and never will do anything willingly to hurt others. I don't know how. But I do know how to hurt myself. And I need to stop and start healing. So maybe my way of doing things looks wrong or different. Okay. So be it. It is right and healthy for me. And I believe that the God that was hidden from me wants me to do this too. If I'm wrong, I'll take it up with Him. I am told He loves me and I think that means He will be gentle if I got it wrong. At any rate, it feels better to do the "wrong" things for the right reason than "correct" things out of suicidal shame and misery. 

Why dark tetrads act so arrogant, entitled, remorseless, manipulative, spiteful and hateful

 Hi friends. I promised in my last post that I would explain why I think dark tetrads act the way they do. It's baffling how they can be so arrogant, entitled, remorseless, manipulative and spiteful. But they are. I've described in past posts how my four dark tetrad parents behave. So now let's look at why (in my opinion) they act this way. 

Everything is a competition that they must win. They're not just competitive over limited resources. They don't just want their fair share. They want everyone else's too. They don't want some attention they want to be the center of it. Because they are 

Greedy and selfish. They don't just want, they want it all. They want what they have and what others have.  They are black holes of want that can never be filled. No one understands, cares, does enough or is enough for. Because dark tetrads are...

Takers not givers. They endlessly expect and demand and withhold from others. They want free love, joy, peace, kindness, patience with no strings attached but enmesh and entangle anything they might offer with thousands of conditions. Because they believe

They owe nothing, others owe them everything. They WILL get their way, by fair means or foul. They cheat, extort, con and guilt people out of stuff. They break promises, don't hold up their end of bargains, exploit, manipulate and steal. Because they are 

Entitled but also lazy.  Work is for people who don't know how to scam, they think. And why should they when their vanity tells them they shouldn't have and the universe should just reward them because they are special. What they want should just fall into their laps like ripe plums. And if it doesn't they get ...

Pathologically jealous of everyone, especially their children.  Or anyone who works for things and succeeds. Dark tetrads think they should have it all. And they should get to make bad choices, act selfish and lazy but still get good results that other people have worked a lifetime for. Actually they're just generally jealous by nature. And this makes them 

Bitter and resentful. Oh so bitter. And vindictive against anyone who has the temerity to have things they don't. Or even things they had or have but don't appreciate or take care of. Or be things they aren't. They want what they want when they want it without paying for it. Because they are 

Possessive and acquisitive. Where healthy people use things and love people a dark tetrad is the other way round. Getting things by normal routes isn't for them. Tricky or conning is their preferred method. Just like stolen fruit apparently tastes better. People exist only as their cat's paw. They steal souls and selves. They enmesh in you and take you over. Because they have 

No integrity, soul and identity. They are only a collection of personas they adopt to get what they want. They probably have a soul somewhere in there but it's been pawned to pay their greed. They keep stealing IDs such as from their children, but it never feeds their voracious self. Their unused integrity is as motheaten as a badly stored fur. 

Do they know they're so broken? IDK. Do they have any control over it? Ehh, survey says, yep. Would it be difficult to change? Probably no more difficult than any other problem to overcome. But with their overarching, overweening narcissism, I'm not holding my breath they will. 

And you shouldn't either. 

Baffling, cunning ways dark tetrads speak and disturbing things they say

 Hi friends! Hoping this post finds you well. Did you ever walk away from a conversation with someone and wonder what the heck just happened? They seemed very convincing, informed or all het up over something but you have no idea what they were talking about? Have you ever felt really uncomfortable, ashamed or icky about things someone said but can't put your finger on why? Chances are you were talking with a dark tetrad. Because these people not only act entitled, arrogant, manipulative and nasty, they talk that way too. But in very underhanded, baffling ways. I know this because I've lived with four dark tetrads as parents. However it took me 60 years to understand why I felt so awkward when talking with them. Here's how dark tetrads talk and some types of disturbing things they say. 

They are endlessly melodramatic. They use serio-comic facial expressions and do what I call Snidely Whiplash eyes. They  drop their voice to a stagey whisper then boom out in overly loud voices, as if projecting to an audience (which they are, in their head). You feel uncomfortable because their manner is too "big" for the type of conversation you're having. 

They talk at, not with, you. They are always on a stage at a podium, in their mind. They are overly aware of themselves, and not very aware of others. They expect that others are watching and listening and they continually look around to gauge reactions. 

They don't chat, they pontificate. Like the Pope, they speak ex cathedra. Unlike the Pope, they do it all the time not once every century. They pronounce judgement, posture, adopt poses, pass sentence, spread rumors with delight. You can't have an innocent conversation about the weather because it turns into a diatribe. 

They rail about others' sins while gloating. They get off on thinking about all the punishment God has is store for other people. They imprecate darkly about how disappointed God is with everyone else.  But they don't say how because they can't because they're doing these things themselves and they know we know it. 

They hint, backpeddle and never give a straight answer. They talk in circles because they think deviously. They sound very disingenuous because they never just say something. Everything is calculated to provoke a response. 

They must be the center of attention. They can't go too long in a group without doing something to make others notice them. My mother's method of choice is to do and say outrageously inappropriate things at inappropriate times. Like yelling "AMEN" in unfamiliar churches. Or waving her arms in the air and talking loudly at a funeral. She thinks this makes her look holy. It makes her look like a ridiculous show-off. Or wearing a nightgown to her great-granddaughter's baptism to garner pity. 

They don't listen. They are easily bored and irritated with others and anything that is not about them.  They listen long enough to hopefully hear something they can argue with or shame you over. 

They don't discuss, they ambush, argue and attack. The psychopath part of their dark tetrad makes them disagreeable and contrary. The sadist/Machiavellian part makes them deceitful and vindictive. And the narcissist component makes them self-righteous and above censure. hey will maliciously gossip about so-and-so who did thus-and-such which they usually did not. The dark tetrad did but is blame shifting. Don't let them corner you because they are spiteful as hell. 

They think they know everything. And that others want nothing more than to hear them hold forth. So they will make pompous, presumptuous and ignorant assumptions on things they know nothing about. They will arrogantly butt in on conversations they have no part of. They will make outlandish statements that make no sense. They are spin doctors and they listen intently to other spin doctors and pass off their nonsensical palaver like gospel truth. 

They do not like competition. My father believed that he and only he, was God's mouthpiece. He felt offended if he went into any church and wasn't asked to preach. He was not trained at all and scoffed at those who were. He also pouted when he wasn't asked to play his violin and then told me I was showing off and fishing for compliments when I sang in the bathroom alone. 

They double speak. My father arrogantly criticized everyone else, especially me. I was a show off, always angry, arrogant, selfish, too sensitive.  And then said that I was too critical of him when I said nothing. When he regularly picked on me, I needed to "lighten up." But I should take his shaming very seriously. And then said everyone was picking on him when they weren't. 

They talk strangely. It's hard to describe so I'll just compare it to Sarah Palin. They use hackneyed cliches and are overly familiar, jocular and snarky. They use dated expressions (which were silly then and are silly now) that they think make them sound edgy and with it. They mimic behaviors of people they think are cool. They affect a kind of drawl or fake intensity. It's cringy. 

They demonstrate ignorance.  Because they feel qualified to speak every subject, they don't bother to fact find and rely on hearsay. They also lie as often as they tell the truth. Probably more. So their utterances just sound, well, stupid. They don't even know the meaning of the words they use. My mother believes she's made up the phrase "rude, crude and lewd" and loves to trot it out. She once said it weirdly about Simon Cowell who is none of those things. 

They think they're cute when they're nasty. Even when they say incredibly objectionable, crass, and well to use her phrase "rude, crude and lewd" things. If others don't like it, well, they're just being too sensitive. 

They also take offense over nothing. True to their double standard natures, the insulting dark tetrad is also THE MOST OVERSENSITIVE SNOWFLAKE  you will ever meet. They are looking to be offended. And they reserve the right to be both vitriolic and nasty to others and at the same time, overly precious with themselves.

Then they flip-flop. Dark tetrad don't have individual personalities, as such. Or it's been so long since they've been honest and genuine that they might as well not have one. What they have is a repertoire of "images" that they adopt. It's not like a child, such as myself, who had her "self" stolen and who must wear masks to please. Dark tetrads don't do anything to please others, only to get their way. So they will change their presentation to achieve a desired result. In the middle of being immaturely catty, my mother will switch gears and put on her holier-than-thou preacher face. She might actually impart some words of wisdom. But very often it has a shame-base to it. And there's always an ulterior motive or six. 

They brand themselves and then sell it.  Dark tetrads aren't in customer service, they're in marketing. They shamelessly self-promote but not an honest self. They fancy themselves as being a certain thing and act how they think someone who is that way would act. It's all for show. An example I've shared before is my parents' belief that they were both missionaries and preachers with zero training pr church backing or even anyone being aware of them. This status existed only in their minds. 

They have conversations in their head with people that don't exist. They make a lot of over-generalized statements that have no bearing or are needlessly antagonistic. My mother for example, says "Merry Christmas" in that aggressive and polarizing way that says she's not actually wishing you well but  testing to see if you'll respond with "Happy Holidays" or the politically correct way. Then she says " THEY don't like it when you say Merry Christmas." When I asked her who "they" are, she didn't know. She'd just heard this rhetoric on Fox News. 

They think others see them as witty but  most think they're ridiculous and you can tell by the weird looks they get. Which the dark tetrad thinks is because they've just dazzled them with brilliance when all they've done is baffled with bullsh*t. It's very awkward for their family who has to watch. 

So you might be wondering what all these machinations are in aid of? It sounds exhausting and it is. Both to live with and I think, even for them. I'll get into what I think are the whys and wherefores in another post because now I am exhausted.