Enmeshed parents aren't just needy and pathetic, they're malignant

 

Hello my friends. On my path to childhood trauma recovery from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm exploring parent enmeshment. I'm going to explain, from personal experience, what it is and what it isn't. I'm going to show how enmeshed parents aren't just needy and pathetic, they're much worse. Enmeshed narcissistic parents are malicious, malignant, cunning, arrogant, entitled and devious AF. They use all kinds of dirty tricks to literally (and I don't use that word lightly) dehumanize, hijack the child's self and enslave her to their Machiavellian purposes. They are worse than any tyrannical despot. I know: I lived under the chaotic, shifting regimes of four narcissistic parents. 

What an enmeshed parent isn't

People often get enmeshment wrong and others' leverage it for their own agenda. My dear friend's nasty narcissistic ex-husband called her family enmeshed which is ironic for so many reasons. What she is, is a loving mother who is involved in her children's lives. There is reciprocity and inter-reliance. But no wonder he misunderstood genuine care for "enmeshment." Dude was so self-absorbed and up his own posterior that he looked out his own mouth. His unbridled "arrogant-ignorance" meant he eschewed psychology and therapy, so wouldn't understand a psychological term if it bit him in the ass. Yet he felt free to wrongly bandy this about as an accusation. It's that typical? What he was, was jealous of their healthy family dynamic and the fact that she had other people in her life besides his whiny, petulant baby man self. And because he had so signally screwed up his own kids. 

"Enmeshed narcissistic parents are malicious, malignant, cunning, arrogant, entitled and devious AF. They use all kinds of dirty tricks to literally dehumanize, hijack the child's self and enslave her to their Machiavellian purposes."

The enmeshment euphemism

So parental enmeshment isn't loving interactive families. But it's also not the poor, pitiful parent who just a little clingy. This is a devious parent who refuses to accept that she ends and the child begins. She forces that child to believe that he is her possession, an extension of herself, like an arm but with less autonomy. AND with no reciprocity. The child is an appendage that the parent doesn't care for. He only cares about what the appendage can do for him. It's the dad who gaslights the child that he has proprietary rights to the child to use and abuse as he sees fit. He coercively controls her into servitude to him and yet neglects his basic parent duties to her. 

The gaslighting of pity

All too often, people I'll call blind guides say they "feel sorry for" the enmeshed parent. Well, don't worry, she does too. She's the consummate self-pity party hostess. And ironically, these same people who feel sorry for her, also do not have to live with her. They aren't she ones she demands from. So it's easy for them to pontificate from their safe distance. They often parenthetically insert a generous does of "shoulding" to guilt the already overburdened kid. "You should feel sorry for her. You're lucky to have a loving mom.  Be grateful, she won't always be with you! You shouldn't be so judgmental and critical of her." And the pity-partier, with her narcissistic smirk, sanctimoniously and self-righteously laps it up while managing to appear more vulnerable.  

The hypocrisy of pity

I've watched my mother arrange her features to appear as pitiful as possible. She wears nightgowns in public to seem pathetic and to prove how her mean old family doesn't provide for her. She believes that she should just lie there and be waited on. That she has no responsibility to care for herself, let alone anyone else. She actually tells people that she "doesn't get enough to eat." As though she's not a grown woman able to feed herself and it's someone else's job to. My extended family, despite knowing how neglectful she was to me as a child, called me to verify, like I had some duty to see to it she ate. Funny how all the times we were struggling because of my parents sponging and stealing from me, no one was there. It kind of made me sick but also, made me laugh how gullible they were. Did they really believe this obviously well-fed woman was starving. For God sakes, they knew her main character energy. But flying monkeys are free with their unsolicited advice and stingy with actual compassion.  They never call her because she drives them nuts too. And no one volunteers to care for her, I noticed. They just judgmentally tell me I should. Pity is a luxury the child can't afford. 

Conveniently "weak and frail" 

The images above perfectly reflect my mother's convenient frailty and "pick me" vibe.  At her brother's funeral, she loudly shouted and laughed how she was the fun, crazy "not like other girls" aunt while everyone was gathered to pray.  Then she had to be assisted upstairs where during the service she yelled HALLELUJAH" during the service. Then at the graveside she went frail again, feigning inability to walk. Doddering along, she positively simpered when her BILs rushed up to help her. She leaned heavily on everyone (even me who had just had shoulder surgery). Then literally rushed up to the buffet like a sprinter! 

Enmeshed parent entitlement knows no bounds

This arrogant mother is not needy. She is wanty, manipulative, demanding, spoiled and petulant. She shames and humiliates with "FOG" (fear, obligation and guilt). She's crashes boundaries, violates privacy, steals and usurps. She arrogantly believes she has buy-in on anything involving her child, despite having failed to give him essentials. This "rules for me and thee" hypocrite holds his child to endless expectations and duties "to him" yet arrogantly holds himself to no accountability to the child. He plays DARVO like a pro. My enmeshed dad disappeared for two years of my life then waltzed in demanding full "fathers' rights" to order me around, bully me and pressgang me into service to his new side piece. 

Infantilized AND parentified

She plays the concerned parent card. She "just wants what's best for her son" (operative words "HER son." She cares, worries, loses sleep over him, yada yada. After all she "gave birth to him." (Loving mothers never remind their child of this.) But make no mistake. This woman cares for herself first and foremost. She demands what's best for her. And that includes both patronizing, humiliating and infantilizing her son AND parentifying him. 

She enfeebles him to make herself feel relevant. 

Enmeshed parents play role reversal then switchback and reverse again as it suits them. My father used me a  servant, scapegoat, surrogate parent and spouse all the while belittling me and issuing orders and ultimatums he had no authority over. 

According to him I was too stupid to tie my own shoes yet mature enough to play alone at the docks of a strange city at five. And to raise his children. 

Everything is about the parent

Mother makes herself out as a patient martyr, suffering to provide. But she never stops to mention or even consider how much the child has done for her. Stop me if you've heard this one, but nothing is ever good enough. Gifts meet with an aggrieved sniff of disapproval. Every little or non-existent slight is blown up into a major failure. (What it is, is usually a narcissistic injury rather than a real insult). She tries to outshine the bride at the wedding and the deceased at his own funeral (true story). When "her baby" gets married, she cries ugly, resentful, awkward tears all the damn day long (another true story). Your special day is always about mommy or daddy dearest rather than you. Holidays are ruined by these showboaters. You dad loses his shite and starts screaming at you in front of the whole family and no one has any idea why. And because he's so hateful, no one challenges him. When you start crying, he tells you to quit sniveling and showing off. It's mental. 

Weaponized, purpose-built chaos

All of this is strategic bespoke gaslighting invalidation designed to wear down the child's resistance. These egomaniacs pirate the child's identity and sense of self. They dehumanize her with terror, lies, coercion, shaming, backstabbing, smear campaigns and script flipping. They pervert the child's natural bonding into trauma bonding which causes betrayal blindness and blind loyalty and faith these faithless people. 

Why do they do it? 

Everything is flip-flopped to them. They are resentful and jealous of their children but also exploitative of them. They use their children to get what they feel they deserve and have been deprived of. Right is wrong for them and wrong is right. And vice-versa with the child. Her self-care, sensitivity and having needs is all twisted by the selfish, oversensitive, bossy crybullies into self-centeredness. Crying is pouting, say the whiny parents. Speaking up for herself against bullies is just "making excuses. They make self-defense out to be disobedient and disrespectful and that oh-so-beloved word of theirs "disloyal."  The child never learns to question why she's having to defend herself against people who are supposed to defend her.  She never asks why they are so disrespectful and disloyal to her. Why they obey no one but their own arrogant, self-serving selves. 

Enmeshed parents are human rights violators and child traffickers 

They things they steal would boggle a normal parent. My parents heedlessly subjected me consistently to blatantly illegal situations. They routinely endangered me by doing things no loving parent would do. It was egregious and gratuitous--unnecessarily cruel and hurtful. They moved randomly on a whim. They uprooted me, shuffled me back and forth for fun. They put me in service to their new partners and demanded I cater to all four of them, collectively and separately. The core cognitive dissonance this caused was catastrophic. 

Where to go from here

"But the time for diplomacy has passed. Been there done too much good-finding. Now it's time for fact-finding, reality acknowledging and truth-telling. The FOG is lifting. And I see that the only way out is out."

I've said before that I don't know where this leaves me now, but I do. I just didn't like to say because I'm diplomatic and try to find the best in people. But the time for diplomacy has passed. Been there done too much good-finding. Now it's time for fact-finding, reality acknowledging and truth-telling. If it seems I can only find negative things to say about my parents, it's because I can. For too long, I let their bread crumbing keep me deluded that they really loved me. But I'm not satisfied with crumbs anymore. I'm wise enough to see past lies, distortions and gaslighting. The FOG is lifting. And I see that the only way out is out. I've gone no contact and I've maintaining my boundaries. I'm being selfish and investing in relationships with reciprocity and real love. 

Helping children deal with narcissistic parent abuse: things I wish someone had said to me

Hello my friends. Today in my journey to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm sharing ways to help children cope. I wish someone had done and said these things to me. And I am practicing doing and saying these things with children experiencing dysfunctional family systems now. 

These are my own thoughts based on my experiences. And while they may not be a substitute for professional counseling, they do have merit coming from a fellow victim-survivor.

To call or not to call

Regarding the CPS (child protective services) debate, to call or not to call. Child abuse is a highly fraught and challenging issue. There are different parenting styles, some of which while being possibly repellant and very triggering to me as a childhood trauma survivor, are nonetheless not illegal. And arguably, not my business. Examples include parents yelling at, spanking or having overly Draconian rules. You may consider, if neighbors are screaming loudly at kids in the yard, calling the police on a noise complaint. This puts the parent on notice and on their police radar, while also making your life less miserable. 

It's not just punitive that counts as abuse

On the other side of the coin, are too permissive or neglectful parents. I have acquaintances who pride themselves on their "hands-off" parenting of their eight children. Hands off meant they were neglectful, lazy and didn't feed or care for the children properly. They infantilized the eldest special needs child. But also parentified him, by leaving him in charge of 6 siblings while the parents took a holiday. The youngest was severely burned on a grill they left on. Mom was "too traumatized" to visit the child in the burn unit. They then had two more babies in quick succession. CPS was called in because the child was so badly injured. Should we who knew them, have called in and maybe avoided this tragedy? I don't know. 

CPS calls can further endanger kids

It's all too easy for outsiders to pontificate on "right and wrong" while knowing nothing of the family or what they may be dealing with. It is important to remember that there is no "one size fits all" parenting style. And very often it does more harm than good calling in authorities. If the parent is narcissistic, volatile and reactionary, calling CPS will likely only dysregulate him further. And this will make the child's life even more difficult. I'm not saying not to call. I'm saying that it's important to examine my own motives for doing so and to weigh the consequences to the children and myself. 

Judgmental vs adjudicating

I may think the child is being neglected. Or has too many responsibilities. But as long as they seem fairly distributed, and one child is not the scapegoat or being made to do overly strenuous jobs too young, then it might be best to just let it go. In my situation, I and only I, was scapegoated and parentified to do tasks that were clearly the adult responsibility. I was made to literally wait on my parents new highly explosive, malignant narcissist partners as well as my own narcissistic parents. I was left alone in very dangerous, frightening situations, around age 3 o 4. Someone should have seen that but didn't. 

Markers for child abuse

I was routinely abandoned, endangered, neglected and abused. At 4, I was sent to play at a park alone, three blocks away.  I was left to play alone at 5, on the docks of a strange city. I was dumped at a strange camp with no care provided at 6. I was deprived of essential things the rest of the family received. I was made confidant to inappropriate parent sexual confidences (which constitutes sexual harassment, btw). My father often trauma dumped on me about how he was planning to unalive himself. I use that politically correct term now because "suicide" is verboten. But I as a 5 y/o was not spared that. My father also enslaved me to his new family where I did all the housework and childcare. I was gaslighted that I was responsible for them but they were not responsible to me. 

Signs of emotional abuse

I looked and acted very "autistic" as a child. I banged my head and bit myself.  I wasn't so much neurodivergent as shell shocked by mistreatment. I went into dissociative and fugue states and had episodes of cognitive split and emotional fracturing that were quite obvious just in family photos. I've grown up with extreme childhood trauma responses of fawning, people pleasing, zero self-care skills, self-harm, toxic shame, self-gaslighting, self-loathing, chronic low self-esteem and imposter syndrome.

Signs of physical abuse in childhood extend to adulthood

I have chronic, extensive back and hip damage from untended congenital hip dysplasia, scoliosis, spina bifida and other structural issues. I had shoulder surgery for damage that began in childhood from being coerced into harsh physical labor. My parents did not care for or about problems they knew I had. They made me mop floors on hands and knees, use an insanely heavy vacuum daily, do ironing and other heavy housework, regularly sleep in unheated rooms on an army cot or fold out bed and get up at night with the baby. All while being well aware of my health problems and being warned by doctors that I needed extra help for daily functions. I was malnourished while they had plenty.

Illegal child labor issues 

I was made to work, unpaid in their foster care homes, starting at age 11. I cared for four special needs children overnight in my mom's I slept two floors up with all the kids. I babysat them for a week with only her abusive boyfriend, who wasn't even supposed to be there, sleeping on the couch. I cooked for and cleaned up after multiple special needs adults, including several child molesters who slept next door to me. 

Parentification and role reversal

I was made to sleep with the children in foster care and their biological kids. I was locked in with the baby at one point. There was plenty of room for me to  have a bedroom of my own. They made themselves intentionally unavailable because they "needed their sleep." I was crammed in a tiny room with an unsuitable bed. No one ever considered that I needed mine too. Now as an adult I have constant trauma nightmares about that oppressive amount of responsibility. I'm hypervigilant, especially around children. 

Intentional parent neglect

All of the abuse I lived with was gratuitous. I was shuttled between them and lived in 40 different places, six different schools before age 21. These were not work related moves. Several were prompted by child abuse and CPS investigations. They both knew, when they opened their foster care homes, that I was not to be used as a paid, let alone unpaid worker. My dad and mom didn't care if it was legal. My dad left for two years, ignoring the fact that this constituted abandonment. Then came back and expected me to move in and be he and his wife's servant. But they did know it was wrong. I asked my mom about some things she did and she denied it saying, she'd be prosecuted.  When confronted my dad lied, gaslit me that it never happened, I was too sensitive, couldn't take criticism, yada yada. 

My abnormal normal

But I never understood that any of this was wrong. I didn't know that it was illegal for me to work in the family foster care home, and that if I did, I at least was owed payment for every hour worked. That would have helped when I moved out and had to pay for my college. But a larger problem was that no one is my extended family saw fit to identify to me how this was wrong. So I lived in a FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) of gaslighting. 

And that's why I'm writing this now, to help adults dealing with childhood trauma and to help children living with it, in situ. Here are things my extended family should have done and said, to help me then. 

Important Note:

You will not find any of those gaslighting "blind guide" platitudes in this list. Examples include: "be the bigger person," "rise above," or "your parents mean well." Do not ever say these to any child. They are harmful and can be incredibly damaging for those in abusive situations.

I see and hear you. 

I see the injustices you experience. I want to help in ways that help you. I wish I could fix it for you. I care about you. 

I am here for you, anytime. 

This is a big commitment so I only offer this to people I feel responsible for in my now family. I give out my phone number and answer calls from them. I cannot extend myself to everyone. But I can write these articles to hopefully help you. 

You are not crazy or lazy. 

What you feel is real. You are not imagining it. You are not too sensitive. I'm sorry it's like this for you. 

It is not your fault.

It never was. It is their problem that you have the misfortune to have to deal with because you live with them. No matter how they may say it is, know that I'm older and I know it's not. You are not the family problem. Parents are always parents and kids are always kids. 

It is NOT your responsibility. 

To parent them, to parent their children, to wait on them, to fix them. They are responsible to you.  

You deserve better. 

But life also is what it is. Sometimes you have to coexist in a difficult situation and work toward a better one. 

Speak your truth. 

Don't stop saying what you need. Try to say it as respectfully as possible but say it, nevertheless. (I wish I'd done that more.)

Say no. 

If you feel safe, calmly refuse to do what is too much. Don't throw a temper tantrum. Examine your motives. Are you making someone else carry what is yours? I wish I'd refused to mop their floors on hands and knees. I wish I'd said I can't. I wish I'd put the onus on them to figure out how to get it done. Ironically, the mopping was only done on hands and knees because it was me doing it. If I'd said no, they'd have gotten a damn mop or done it themselves. 

Ask for help. 

Find trusted people to share with and ask to help you. But having said that, I know that sometimes, it can just make the abuse worse. So make sure whomever you ask doesn't violate your trust. 

I believe you and I believe in you. 

What do you need from me? I will sit with you and hold space for you. I trust you. I love you. I know you have the capability to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I will help however I can. 

Do your best. 

Try to live at peace. Try to be as agreeable as possible. But don't beat yourself up for reaching your tether because selfish narcissists will push every button you have. 

It is okay to "fail." 

I put that in quotes because we childhood trauma, were told by selfish, entitled, arrogant, cruel dark tetrad parents that WE were always the problem. It was always our fault. We caused the issues. We didn't. They just needed a fall guy. And so you will make mistakes. It's okay. That's how you learn. And sometimes you do the wrong thing for the right reason. Or you have no other alternatives because boundary-crashing enmeshed parents stripped you of your power.  So you did the best you could. 

Float above. 

I did not say rise above. That is just more toxic shaming dressed as helpful advice. What I do is to imagine I'm floating on a cloud looking down on chaos but not a part of it. Said differently, "observe, don't absorb." A raging parent is usually feeling more ashamed of himself than angry with you. No matter what he says, don't personalize that you are a terrible person. 

Own what's yours. 

No matter how aggressive a parent may be, remember that it's not easy parenting kids or just scraping by in this life. Bills, work, demands can be overwhelming. So if your parent is angry because you really did do something wrong, then own it. Say you left the water running and flooded the house, because you were preoccupied with your phone, then you do have some responsibility. Don't whine, lie or lash out. Apologize and find a way to fix what you broke. Start mopping. Offer to pay for wasted water. 

I love you. 

I think that's a good note to end on. 

Childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse causes cognitive dissonance, dissociation and emotional fracturing

Hello my dear friends. Today in my quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm exploring how we who were harmed by abusive parents used cognitive split and dissociation to juggle the very disturbing, terrifying and dangerous reality we were daily subjected to. My reality was a relentless cycle of abuse: emotional, physical, financial, and sexual. I endured medical neglect, deprivation of basic needs, and routine endangerment. I was forced into roles of parentification and enmeshment, while being subjected to extreme scapegoating, dehumanization, and gaslighting by those who were supposed to be my protectors.

Abnormal-normal and normal-normal in various forms

This happened at the hands for four people who called themselves my parents. Both of my parents and their new partners were irresponsible, demanding narcissists.  I got shoved back and forth between them and moved randomly. I lived in 40 different places before age 21. My life was endless upheaval, chaos, stress and conflicting demands. Each environment demanded a different version of me, forcing me to treat these wildly unstable, abusive settings as 'normal' just to survive. It took me till I was in my late fifties to get any of this. When I did, it explained a great deal about my dysfunctional trauma responses, especially fawning, placating parents, not holding them accountable, tolerating abuse and taking on myself the consequences of their awful behavior. 

Multiple fractured realities

I had to juxtapose five sets of "normal": each parent's abnormal normal expectations place on me, plus the real world where this was not normal. To juggle the chaos, I had to do what I have since learned is dissociation. I had to fragment myself to appease their hypocritical, unsafe commands plus exist in the everyday world. Even with other family, I had to morph, to hid the bizarre "normal" that was my daily family life. I had to somehow navigate that very different outside reality that was so contradictory to the hidden "cult" reality of my narcissistic parents. And this narcissistic cult itself was multiplied four times by my four narcissistic parents. 

Manifestations of cognitive split in childhood 

Here are a signs to look for in a traumatized and abused child. 

• Neurodiverse "autistic" behaviors: As a child, I banged my head in order to be able to sleep. I understand now that I was trying to "reorient" my chaotic, disparate reality in the only way I  knew how. By trying to fit me to it, because I couldn't juxtapose it with normal. 
• Complex fantasy world: this is not to be confused with my parents' narcissistic fantasy of god-like power, control and entitlement. This was my land of  imagination where life was safer, straightforward and cohesive, not fractured and dangerous. 
• The "distant stare" or "side eye nervous tic": Traumatized kids literally hear voices and see ghosts, of haranguing, threatening, abusive parents. We're trying to cope and focus on our immediate reality while hearing their shaming, mocking scolding voices. 
• The "trauma grimace': We clamp our jaws shut to lock in secrets they made us keep. And to prevent ourselves from screaming with the agony of what we're enduring. 
• Fawning: Beware of the child who is too eager to obey. We are people pleasers who are terrified of failing and getting punished randomly. 
• Being too much because we're told we're not enough. 

Manifestations of cognitive split in adulthood

Here's a breakdown of the cognitive split of childhood trauma in adulthood. 

• The Apparently Normal Part (ANP): This is the side of the self that manages daily life, tries to fit into the family system, goes to school or work, and handles standard responsibilities. It actively suppresses the trauma memories to keep functioning.

• The Emotional Part (EP): This is the part of the personality that holds the raw trauma, the intense fear, the pain, and the defense mechanisms, like fawning, people pleasing, freezing, flight, or hypervigilance). It remains "stuck" in the traumatic experience.

Other Related Psychological Terms

Here are some ways we juggle all this cognitive dissonance. 

• Compartmentalization: The psychological defense mechanism where the brain forces conflicting ideas, values, or traumatic experiences into separate mental "drawers" so they don't clash or overwhelm the conscious mind. It's how a child can know a parent is cruel, yet still feel and express intense, unconditional love for them in the next moment. It's how we manage to cope with the outside world while struggling with the threatening interior monologue of their voices. 

• Cognitive Dissonance: The intense psychological distress that happens when you hold two fundamentally contradictory beliefs at the same time (e.g., "This person is my protector" vs. "This person is hurting me"). To resolve the agony of this dissonance, an abused child's brain will often default to dissociation or denial because they are physically dependent on the abuser to survive. it took me till I was almost 60 to start processing any of this. 

• Psychic Splitting: A psychoanalytic term for the inability to bring together both positive and negative qualities of oneself or others into a cohesive whole. It results in seeing things in extremes (e.g., "all good" or "all bad"), a defense mechanism often forced upon children who have to cope with highly erratic, unpredictable parents. We go outside ourselves to escape our horrible inner reality. 

Healing by bringing dissonance into music

Healing childhood trauma responses from narcissistic abuse then to navigate narcissists now

Hello my friends. Today on my path to recovery from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm exploring how healing childhood trauma responses to abuse then helps me navigate narcissists safely now. What I've learned from parent enmeshment and harm, informs my interactions with arrogant, ruthless, entitled people I deal with today. 

What not to do with narcissists, was learned the hard way

A lot of things I discovered about dealing with narcissistic abuse, came too late to prevent brain damage from narcissists parents. Children are bonded to their parents naturally and abused children are trauma bonded. They do not know that their parents are mistreating them, till the gaslighting of mistreatment is already firmly rooted in fawning trauma responses that just make them more vulnerable to parental bullying and endangerment. So we develop unhealthy behaviors which we unconsciously bring with us into adulthood and which make us prime targets for other bullies.  These are things I learned by trial and error, having already made these mistakes. 

Gaslit reality causes betrayal blindness

Children take parents at face value. They believe, trust, try to please and love unconditionally. So if the parent is loving, trustworthy, safe, pleasable and nurturing, children accept that. BUT if the parent is unsafe, unloving, demanding and exploitative the child also accepts that as "normal" without questioning the parents. Then the parents use that agreeableness against the child. They take advantage of her. They create a narcissistic fantasy world with role reversal, FOG (fear, obligation and guilt), parentification, shaming, blame-shifting, DARVO and endless impossible demands placed on the child. The child doesn't see that this is parental abuse and betrayal. All she knows is that  try as she might, she can never get it right. 

Fawning, self-blame, hoop-hopping and people pleasing

Because the child can't see the Machiavellian agent provocateur parents machinating against her, she blames herself.  They have hypocritically scapegoated, and gaslit her so successfully that she never sees their culpability. They distracted her from reality. They set themselves above common rules and then made up complicated shifting double standards for the child. They've kept her so busy jumping to their ever-changing whims that she cannot see them for who they really are: malignant narcissists. 

Blinded and Blindsided by betrayal

Not only do malignant parents blind their scapegoat child to reality, they blindside her with it. They weaponize her trauma and her trauma responses of kowtowing, tolerating intolerable things and people pleasing. They have her so confused with passive-aggressive mixed messages, their chaotic irresponsible behavior and enmeshed role reversal parentification that the child does not know which end is up. She only knows that something is very wrong and since it can never be her "bulletproof" parents, it must be her. And that lets us in for a whole new hell as we get older and encounter other pushy narcissists. 

What not to do with narcissists: pretty much all we've been doing

Children of narcissists developed a whole tool kit of coping skills for surviving our abusive parents. We humored, danced attendance, waited on them, stayed silent, kept secrets, and allowed them to hurt us to placate them. But these were for emergencies at best. They were not meant for daily interactions. Actually, we shouldn't have had to any of them in the first place. They were all dysfunctional and only served to see us  more harmed. So now that we are not in those situations, pretty much all we've done to get by, is now failing us. Here are a few of the things we've learned to do that haven't served us well. These may have been survival skills then but they harm us now. 

• Fawning
• humoring and placating
• letting people get away with harming us
• "obeying" their commands
• giving them their way
• going along to get along
• loving unconditionally
• fulfilling contracts we never signed
• not expecting reciprocity
• letting others call the shots 
• being loyal to disloyal people
• respecting disrespectful people
• abiding by transactions that the other person is violating
• letting others dictate terms
• letting them tell us "how it is" for us
• not calling irrelevant what it is
• letting people think they have buy in on things they don't
• complying with others' expectations 
• giving intel they use against us
• providing them narcissistic supply 

Decoding the trauma and rewiring the responses

We can't undo what was done. Arguably we can't even entirely rewrite our dysfunctional trauma responses. But we can decode it so that we read it correctly. And then we can use it to trauma inform our interactions going forward. Where we automatically go into placate and soothe mode whenever anyone intimidates us, we can now decide with full autonomy what to do. We now have the power and the voice to set boundaries and to set consequences for boundary crashers. 

New behaviors to practice with now narcissists

• Radical acceptance. Name the problem, to yourself. Accept that these are difficult people, that you can't change them. 
• Leave "Mrs. Fix-It" hat to home. No matter how someone may pressure to fix what you didn't break, resist the urge. 
• Say "no" and "I can't" to things that aren't your problem. No self-defense. They may browbeat, find fault, question and undermine you. Ignore them. You don't owe them an explanation. This was never your battle or burden. 
• Detachment. Unstick from stuck places where the narcissist has dragged you in. He wants to pick a fight? Side step it. Don't give him the satisfaction. Again, give no reasons. He'll figure it out or he won't. 
• Observe, don't absorb. When people spiral into narcissistic rage, I always thought it was my job to soothe and support them. That got me only kicking for my trouble. You can't "bear a bully's problems." He doesn't want a friend, he wants a victim. 
• Leave uncomfortable situations. Its perfectly okay to walk away from toxic people and places. If you have children relying on you, take them and go. When my mom threw a pie in my face at her company party, I wish I had cut contact with her then, and saved us all the hassle. 
• Say what you need. But be careful. Narcissists use needs against you. They future fake, lie and tell you one thing, break the promise, gaslight you that they never promised it. Then they attack you for being so "needy" "clingy" "attention-seeking" "overreacting" and bossy. If possible, meet your own needs and don't rely on them for anything. 
• Set boundaries but don't tell the narcissist. This is a red rag to a bullying narcissist. When they boundary crash, let whatever consequences you've decided on, take place. You've decided if she pitches a narcissistic bitch, you'll ask her to leave. Do it. 
• Don't shield them or take consequences of their behavior on yourself. Remember who owns the problem and who doesn't. 
• Keep mum on personal details. Narcissists are intel harvesters. They store up details to use against you. Having relationship troubles? Don't tell them. Find a safe person. 
• Listen with half an ear. Narcissists say a lot of antagonistic word salad (crap). They goad, pick fights, hint, use sarcasm, make cutting remarks, insult and do all manner of low blows. Don't let them hit the mark. Don't rise to the bait. Just know it's nonsense. 
• Keep your cool. When she makes provocative statements, pretend you didn't hear her. Then casually say, "what was that?" Like you're completely unconcerned but just being courteous. If she repeats it, just say "oh." And move on. 
• Float above it all. Imagine yourself just wafting along on the breeze when you're with them. You don't let anything pull you down. If he wants to say dumb stuff, let him. Don't validate it with a response. Suddenly be engrossed in what someone else is saying. He'll either have to repeat his nonsense and make a fool of himself or sit there sulking because he was all ready for a fight and no one gave it to him. Either way, he looks the fool. 
• Do. Not. Engage. No. Matter. What. Even if he's dredging up old stuff from the past to humiliate you, just stay calm. More than likely, you've made your apologies. If you even did what he accused you of. They're very good at rewriting history to suit their version. He's just trying to leverage your fawning, because he's feeling small. But he can't hurt you. What happened, happened. If you can't change the past to undo what as done to you, you can't change the past to undo whatever he says you did. Works both ways. 

The short "pocket-sized" edition

Here's a little checklist to keep with you and remind yourself when interfacing with a narcissist. 

Reframing the Past "We can't undo what was done. Arguably we can't even entirely rewrite our dysfunctional trauma responses. But we can decode it so that we read it correctly. And then we can use [it] to trauma inform our interactions going forward."

⚠️ The "Survival" Paradox "Children of narcissists developed a whole tool kit of coping skills for surviving our abusive parents... But they were for emergencies at best. They were not meant for daily interactions.... Pretty much all we've done to get by, is now failing us."

🛡️ The "Protective Shield" Checklist

• Observe, don't absorb: You cannot "bear a bully's problems." He doesn't want a friend, he wants a victim.

• Float above it all: Imagine yourself just wafting along on the breeze... Don't validate [their nonsense] with a response.

• Do. Not. Engage: If you can't change the past to undo what was done to you, you can't change the past to undo whatever he says you did.

Childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse is the gift that keeps on taking: Devalue and Discard Game

Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm exploring how it's the gift that keeps on taking your peace, serenity and normalcy. It steals your childhood, your self-esteem, your ability to defend yourself and ultimately, your self. It's the inheritance that keeps giving suffering, pain and anxiety long after the narcissists are gone. It's our enmeshed parents' legacy of gaslighting, weaponized chaos and FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that dogs you in learned trauma responses of fawning, people pleasing, silenced needs and loss of identity. 

Bespoke blame-shifting cycle

We children of narcissistic parents are trapped in abuse cycles of their making. They keep exploiting, enslaving, shaming, neglecting, scapegoating, endangering, abandoning, invalidating and dehumanized us. They create a personalized hell just for us. And they never suffer any consequences. They gaslight us that we are the problem. We caused them to do wrong. Or they just lie and say they never did these things. And we have been so conditioned to their abuse that we keep taking responsibility for them and their bad choices. And they just keep playing the Devalue and Discard Cycle game. 

How Devalue and Discard is played 

1. Idealization (The "Love Bombing" Stage)

Before the devaluation begins, there is often a period of extreme affection, intense attention, and overwhelming flattery. This creates a powerful trauma bond. You feel seen, understood, and perhaps even "saved." This stage is designed to make you emotionally dependent on the narcissist. For children, this is just the "being born" phase. Children love their unconditionally and naturally trust them. And normal parents normally love their child. But narcissistic parents exploit this for their own ends. They use the child's innate trust and love and give nothing in return that isn't heavily weaponized. 

"Narcissistic parents only give with endless strings attached. Any normal thing normal parents do, love, care for, nurture, is so expensive, the child can't afford it."

2. Devaluation (The Erosion of Self)

Once the narcissist has "hooked" you and secured your emotional investment, the mask begins to slip. In children of narcissists, this is just childhood. Children are indoctrinated in the parents' narcissistic cult of subservience and subverting all personhood.  This is the devaluation stage:

• Targeting Insecurities: They start to criticize things they previously praised.

• Gaslighting: They manipulate your reality, making you question your own memory, perceptions, or sanity.

• Weaponized Chaos: They introduce drama, conflict, or "the silent treatment" to keep you off-balance and constantly trying to "fix" things.

• Goal: The goal here is to reduce your self-esteem so that you are easier to control and more likely to accept their version of reality. They are effectively "training" you to tolerate abuse as your new baseline.

3. Discard (The Ultimate Rejection)

When you no longer serve the narcissist's needs—or when you begin to see through the manipulation and set boundaries—they often move to the discard stage:

• The Switch: They can become suddenly cold, detached, or cruel.

• Blame-Shifting: They will frame the ending of the relationship (or their withdrawal) as your fault. They will argue that you "made" them act this way or that you are "too much."

• Total Erasure: They may treat you as if you never mattered, which is deeply traumatic because it invalidates the entire history of the relationship.

  "A child that goes no contact with narcissistic parents was gone no contact with by them from the beginning."

Why this happens (The "Why")

It is helpful to remember that a narcissist does not view other people as separate individuals with their own needs. They view people as "narcissistic supply."

• When you are providing them with attention, admiration, or a platform to project their own feelings, you are "good supply."

• When you start to demand your own needs or point out their flaws, you become "bad supply."

• They discard or devalue you to maintain their own sense of superiority and to avoid the shame of being confronted with their own dysfunction.

Narcissistic parents' ultimate betrayal

Narcissistic parents terrorize us in many confusing ways. But I think the worst form of betrayal are their  hypocritical double standards. This includes gaslighting us into endless obligations while not providing basic things we need to survive. They neglect our healthcare, safety, security and physical needs. They deprive us of proper parental care. They indoctrinate us with role-reversal, parentification and parent enmeshment that we owe them, while they neglect, endanger, and abandon us. Any little breadcrumbing of care comes with many string attached. They make and break promises and then lie and say they never promised us anything and scold us for getting upset. So we stop getting upset. We let them do whatever they want. We get used to abuse. We develop betrayal blindness. And pretty soon, it's just our normal. I did not see the egregious abuse I lived in. It was so bad that it shocked my boyfriend. 

"We take this dysfunction into adulthood. We struggle to shake the false idea that we are beholden to our narcissistic parents. And we just as easily swallow the equally wrong idea that they owe us nothing."

The God Complex

Childhood trauma survivors have brain damage because our malignant parents rewired our brains to think only of them and  give no thought to ourselves. My Christian narcissist parents used religion to gaslight and brainwash me into subservience to them. They fiddled with Bible commands to make it look like serving them was serving God. They told me self-care was selfish. And that God said I had to put them above all else. It took me 60 years to see that the reverse was true. I was overly obedient and loyal to them while they were disobeying God's every command. They didn't serve anyone including their child. But since our parents are the first image of God we see, we think that they are God. They do too. 

⚠️ Religious narcissistic parents don't serve God, they play God. ⚠️

The cement of trauma bonding

Trauma bonding might be the hardest substance on the planet. Abuse, neglect, FOG (fear, obligation and guilt), parental chaos, exploitation, scapegoating, dehumanizing, are cemented in our brain's bedrock. It creates our betrayal blindness. Because normal parents that we see all around us, do NOT ACT THIS WAY. 

Paying it forward and emotional flashbacks

Ironically and sadly, traumatized kids take their trauma responses with them everywhere. And we also keep paying on contracts we never signed. We didn't even know our narcissistic parents had bound us to them. They kept us in the dark and distorted everything. We just knew constant shaming, humiliation, guilt and fear. We pay forward love we never received. And they just keep punishing us for failures we didn't commit to shield their own culpability. My trauma nightmares play this vicious, sick cycle out each night. But I'm starting  to wake up to some things. 

"I now realize every bad thing my mom and dad said about me, was true of them. THEY were selfish, oversensitive, haughty and self-righteous. THEY behaved immorally. But it still feels like it's me at fault. That's the poisonous nature of gaslighting. But it's also a start..."

Healing from the Cycle

For survivors of narcissistic parents, this cycle often feels "normal" because it was the environment you grew up in. Healing involves:

• Recognizing the pattern: Reminding yourself that the "idealization" phase was a strategic tactic, not a reflection of your worth.

• Ending the search for closure: Narcissists rarely provide genuine closure because it would require them to admit fault. Closure is something you must grant yourself by walking away from the cycle.

  
  
  

• Building "Betrayal Literacy": Learning the mechanics of this abuse (as I am doing now) helps dismantle the "betrayal blindness", allowing you to reclaim your identity and peace. 

  Memory-healing reminder: when they point the finger of blame at you, four more point back to them."💮🎕

I fell into it again.

 Hello my friends. I'm struggling today. I wasn't until one of the difficult/narcissistic people in my life reminded me yet again why I have to keep doing this narcissistic abuse recovery work. Yet again, I was invalidated, dehumanized, taken advantage of and scolded for the privilege of enduring it. My tolerance was weaponized. My patience was punished. Yet again, I innocently walked into it, unawares and got lambasted by narcissistic rage. All over a stupid bunch of bananas. 

I innocently asked if he wanted me to show him how to use the produce scale at Meijer. Not condescendingly. Because he always weaponizes incompetence and proclaims to "not get" how these things work. So I offered to explain it. Big mistake. Suddenly in the middle of the store, I'm being yelled at for not "explaining correctly" how to do something? And told it's my job to make him understand how to do it?

There was no precedent or problem. We'd just had a nice lunch. I was completely blindsided and baffled. I didn't know what he was even asking or what I was expected to do. I stood there feeling and probably looking foolish. I stayed calm wasn't even upset though I should have been. I just kindly kept rephrasing and apologizing. And he wouldn't back down from whatever high ground he thought he was on. It was crazy. 

I quietly asked him to please not be rude to me anymore, ridiculous, why should I have to beg someone to be kind? He said he wasn't rude and that was that. I just absorbed it like I always do. All was well and he was back to his happy self, till something set him off again, lather, rinse, repeat. Then a few days later, I heard a talk by Dr. Ramani explaining this kind of issue and I realized it had happened again. 

I did exactly the wrong thing and tried to confront him, politely. He's future faked so many times about how he needs to do better. I thought he would give me the comfort and validation I needed just then. But that was too much to ask, I guess. He just went right into backpedaling and being even more dismissive and gaslighty. He had actually forgotten it, again. He got right back up on that high horse and started DARVO, blame-shifting etc. 

Now I'm just a dysregulated, hot mess. And I did nothing to deserve any of it. 

The charm and charisma facade: predatory narcissism lurks behind the mask

Hello my friends on this journey. Today in my quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I am looking at the charisma trap. More specifically how notoriously charismatic people are often predators in disguise. A heartbreaking incident in our community involving a school dean and parent, was caught in incestuous pedophilia made this hit home for me. 

The Communal Narcissist Predator

Let's just sit with that for a minute, educator, teacher, mentor of students. What a perfect cover those are for CSA. He was actually the one responsible for implementing FERPA and CSA protocol within the school. What better way to hide your own abuse than as the one children lean on for safety? 

The Closet Saboteur 

And here's the clincher, for me. Amid the outrage, people also expressed shock that's such a "charismatic" man could be capable of such things. Why, he was a father of eight children, loving wife and family? Pillar of the community, youth minister. How could this happen, was wondered at. So I was saddened, but shocked, no. It's dangerous to put anyone beyond reproach. This is how pedophiles go undetected. Because we shield them. But behind the "immunity of community" is the first place we should be looking. 

Dressed to Kill 

Many people labor under the misunderstanding that pedophiles have a stereotypical look. That they are grubby, fringe-dwelling ne're-do-wells. That because someone wears cool clothing, looks good, is a "good Christian" and upstanding member of the community, he cannot also be guilty of heinous crimes. The fact is that his reputation is exactly what makes him a prime candidate for abusive and exploitative behavior. We need to start looking past the costume to the character inside. 

The Ironclad Charismatic

And that character is arrogant and above all rules. He believes he is bulletproof behind the Kevlar of his public image. And I realize that I knew and have always known since I was a child that such people were dangerous. I have never trusted "large and in charge" smooth talkers, people with popularity cult followings. Like big personality celebrities, ministers and leaders who can "do no wrong" in the eyes of their devotees. 

"Charm is a sales tactic. It's the big toothy grin of the used car salesman who's pushing a lemon and making you feel privileged to have your pocket picked."

The Charm Trap

The paradox lies in the charisma trap, the "shiny charm" of the predatory narcissist, as Dr Ramani puts it. Charm and charisma are facades behind which lurk ruthless, Machiavellian egomaniac BSers. These charlatans are only charming to get their way. They are extortionist who use charisma to get you to give them something you shouldn't. It lures the unsuspecting into a false sense of security. And then BANG! Gotcha. He's fleeced them and they didn't even see it happen. 

The Narcissistic Injury Reveal

Don't believe me? Just try saying "no" to these so-friendly shysters. Just watch the charm turn to sneering, scornful, narcissistic rage. Or try outing him. But good luck. Suddenly, he's not such a nice guy. His pride is wounded.  He's vindictive, and venomous. Or, even worse, he's fake penitent, vulnerable, oh so sorry. He weaponizes his "humility" to regain trust and then strikes. Very often, the victims end up being treated worse than the offender ever is. Which is why so many keep quiet. My narcissistic parents were downright vicious if they felt threatened. It is a frightening vendetta that never gets satisfied. 

They can turn charm on like a switch. And terrifyingly, turn it off just as easily.  

The Flock Mentality

Unfortunately, these people often have a lot of flying monkeys. And being the only one saying that the Emperor has no clothes puts you in their sites. They DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender) in defense of their narcissist cult leader. They crybully and call you the bad guy. They never believe a word said against him. They gaslight that YOU caused the problem, brought his creepy behavior on yourself. You were too sensitive, imagining things, exaggerating, showing off for attention. All of which cannot simultaneously be true. But flying monkeys aren't known for common sense. 

The Hazing of FOG

And so you don't say anything. You feel FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) to these people. You know they say you're just jealous of their success. You're spreading spiteful gossip or starting smear campaigns. Even your own friends don't believe you. So you start gaslighting yourself that the Emperor's new clothes look fine. You preserve the shiny image. Who's going to believe you anyway? There is no winning, nor even breaking even against a charming narcissist. There is only losing. 

What living in a narcissistic family cult taught me

I know because I was indoctrinated into a narcissistic cult called "family." I was subjected to them, made to serve them as an acolyte. I was gaslighted and catfished by these predators in parents clothing. I believed and trusted them because I was a trauma bonded betrayal blind, innocent and vulnerable child that no one protected. Everyone just turned a blind eye their abuse, neglect, parentification, exploitation, endangerment, deprivation, invalidation, scapegoating, abandonment and dehumanizing of me. 

Once bitten, twice shy

But ironically this inability to see my parents traitorship and betrayal, somehow gave me an uncanny ability to see it in others. I can't always do much about it besides see it. I have never trusted a charismatic or charming person since. Did I miss out on genuine people along the way? Eh, maybe? But it also kept me from getting taken advantage of. 

• ✀Homework for Healing

  • Beware of charmers. If someone seems too good to be true, believe they are a fraud. 
  • Watch for masks slipping. See the narcissistic smirk behind the sanctimonious smile.
  • Beware of their flying monkeys. They bite and they shit everywhere. 
  • Trust your gut. Literally, recognize that sick, nervous feeling in your stomach when predators are around. It's there to warn you. 
  • Do the Angelou. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Don't gaslight yourself that you misunderstood. You heard them correctly. 
  • Get away from them. Go low or no contact. Don't get lured in. You don't owe them any loyalty. You don't owe them anything. 
  • Take care of yourself, please. Look for safe people. Your sanity is more important than their vanity.