How narcissist parent abuse causes weight gain and extreme weight loss

 Hello my friends. Today on my journey to heal CPTSD, I'm looking at how narcissist parent abuse causes weight gain and also extreme weight loss in children and adult children. I experienced abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, manipulation, chronic invalidation, parentification, infantilization, scapegoating and gaslighting about it all throughout  my life, by four narcissist parents. My weight gain and weight loss has mirrored those this roller coaster ride. Part of how I lost 100 pounds was by rejecting my narcissist parents' invalidation. And I gained weight due to their narcissistic abuse.  Here's how narcissist parent abuse causes weight gain and weight loss. 

Chaos, chronic stress and cortisol spikes. This trifecta is devastating to a child's health. My narcissist parents put me through an endless roller coaster of chaotic, frightening, destabilizing experiences. They pushed me at dangerous people, including themselves. I've described my life as a crazy quilt where each little piece was completely different from the next. 

This caused me constant chronic stress, anxiety, fear, trauma nightmares (which have never gone away). I was nervous all the time. Which caused continual cortisol and adrenaline spike from the fight or flight panic responses. Actually, I never fought or flew because I couldn't. They would have punished me even more. So freeze and fawn were my trauma responses of choice. I spent a lot of time cramped in contorted positions, trying to hide and stay small. I used to hold my breath till it hurt, like a sailor on a submarine, to avoid detection and punishment. I still have trauma-induced shortness of breath because of that. 

All this chaotic stress causes corrosive cortisol and adrenaline bursts that scar nerves and brain. It causes the flinch or jump response that soldiers with shell shock exhibit. Just yesterday, I jumped a foot when the gas pump suddenly shut and made a noise. Balloons popping, thunder, drums, terrified me. I can still feel the nausea rising in my throat. And these toxic spikes caused the liver to slow insulin production and store fat to protect the child. 

Which of course, leads to what society calls "juvenile obesity." I was put on a 1,000 calorie diet at age 8. This would be tantamount to child abuse now. Not only did he not account for baby fat, which I would and did lose in puberty, his starvation diet crippled my protective resources. I was tired and sick a lot. And no one ever explored the weaponized trauma my narcissist parents were subjecting me to and how that might have been related. It would have been nice if just one person and connected the dots. 

But that leads me to another issue about how society shames weight gain We treat fat people and kids like, lazy, selfish idiots not people in need of support. When I was young it was perfectly fine for bullying kids to taunt us about our weight. I was called Whale-O and Blimp. And thin kids didn't escape either, being called zipper and scarecrow. It's obscene how adult didn't interfere, including my parents. My mother just preened herself on her sexy body, compared to my chubby self. They join in jeering the child for weight gain they created. I still nightmare about this. 

And as if that wasn't bad enough, narcissist parent abuse can also cause extreme weight loss and not the good kind. This isn't monitored healthy weight loss, with mindful calorie restricting as was part of how I lost 100 pounds. This is starvation diet like the 1,000 calorie diet my mom put me on. (Actually I think she calorie restricted me even more, letting me only have 800 calories a day). 

The parent doesn't teach safe, healthy eating. She took me to Dunkin Donuts, KFC and Burger King. It was our dinner. So causing weight gain with improper food but then humiliating the child for gaining weight AND then putting her on a starvation diet. All while not attending to my actual  health care needs. I'd had recurrent sore throats for so long I couldn't' remember when it didn't hurt. I had strep throat several times a year (this in itself a sign of parent endangerment). I took penicillin daily for months along with penicillin injections. But my mother paid no attention, till finally my grandparents insisted she get me better care. And my dad is culpable too. He was always off doing his own thing, never bothering about me while lavishing the best on his new wife and family. 

When the doc finally removed my tonsils, they exploded. I was so sick and didn't eat for at least 2-3 weeks. I lost 12 pounds in that time, almost a pound a day. My mom never noticed I wasn't eating. I didn't hide it. She just didn't bother to check. One day, my friend was visiting and I began to cry because my throat was so sore. The friend told my mom and she got mad at me, forced me to eat applesauce which is like vitriol on open tonsillectomy wounds. I wouldn't and she yelled and prayed over me. I never did eat it. A few weeks later my dad took me to a carnival with his wife and I ate a hotdog. But not because anyone cared that I ate. I never told me dad that this was the first food I'd had in 3 weeks. He just shrugged. 

I always thought of myself as fat and overweight, despite being actually quite thin. I put on a bit living with my mom and her abusive husband. They had a farm and didn't practice good hygiene or food safety. Their little daughter got herpes and once pooped out an enormous worm. I almost passed out. My mother took the kids to an elderly animal hoarder for childcare. So she didn't have to pay so  much. The home stunk and the  children got infested with fleas. I had to use diapers for sanitary pads or buy my own. 

I walked a mile and a half to school in frigid 1980s winters. I had to be there by 7 for my job and my hair would freeze. My stepfather put old tires and fuel oil in the woodstove because he was too lazy to cut wood. Which was supposed to be his home business and which they robbed my child support and college saving to fund. I slept on an unheated porch and then they kicked me out of the house. Probably because someone reported their awful living conditions but didn't follow up. So the solution was to get rid of me. 

During that time, I suffered with  wisdom teeth pain. Finally, my mom took me to a dentist who pulled the teeth, severing a nerve that has never healed and did not follow up. He put me on Darvon which didn't ease the pain. I was living with an elderly lady and not allowed  home to  heal. My face swelled up so much I looked like I had mumps. I suspect I developed dry socket the pain was so intense and lasted so long, but no one ever checked. I was still working and maintaining good grades. 

But because no one every took care of me, I never learned self-care. I didn't have proper protective clothing for winter. I didn't get enough to eat, only the bits my mom sent. I stole food I was so hungry. I didn't know what to pack for a sleepover. I looked very different from other kids. I've had so many dreams in which people who are taken care of and have what they need, get angry with me because I don't. We are in group situations and I'm trying to keep up but can't because I lack resources, skills and know-how. It's baffling and exhausting. 

Fast forward to college and I lost so much weight I got sick. I put myself through school with some grants and scholarships. I lived on summer earnings with no help from family. I put $900 in the bank in September and lived on that till May. It had to stretch to personal care, food, clothing, gas money, you name it. I didn't eat much and dropped down to 109 pounds. My mom said I looked like a skeleton. She didn't offer any help. I still thought I looked fat. It took me till a few months ago to realize that I had anorexia. Not from starving myself on purpose but from shitty self-care and shitty parents who didn't care. 

Even through having babies I was normal to underweight. My narcissist parents continued their campaign of  shame. I was so depressed that I lost two stillborn babies. Which kicked depression into suicidal low. My  milk came in but with no nursing babies, I gained weight. I started drinking when my youngest was about 10. To try and quell the pain of my narcissist parent's abuse. I was self-harming. Their shaming escalated. Along the thefts, rage, exploitation, gaslighting and humiliation. I was trying so hard to homeschool (did a pretty good job) be a good wife, daughter, mother, everything. 

I just kept putting on weight till one day I decided not to. I saw myself so fat and hated it. And decided to do something. It wasn't the realization of how fat I was but how much I hated myself. That was part of how I lost 100 pounds by learning to like or at least tolerate myself for once. But you know what's telling? My narcissist parents leveraged not only weight gain but weight loss against me too. 

My mother was getting older and not the sexy things she'd once believed herself. And now with chubby little Marilisa or fat older Marilisa not there to compare herself to, she showed her true colors. Someone else's weight loss is a real narcissistic injury. She would passive-aggressively insult me or pout and throw a pity party for attention. She literally once poked my husband (who has always been slender) in the stomach and said "you're getting fat!" 

She loudly insulted a young woman for being "SO SKINNY" at her doctor's office. It looked like the poor girl already struggled with weight. I could have slapped my mother. She would brag up her golden child for being "so svelte and slender." Golden child is neither. She'd exaggerate any tiny thing golden girl did to scorn my achievements. I became a top 10 writer on Yahoo! And she dismissed it. Then demanded to know how she could cash in. She threw a pie in my face at her company work party, she said to "take me down a peg." I was just enjoying myself and visiting. But she had to be the center of attention, no matter what the cost. 

Realization of my narcissist parents cruel abuse would come later. But part of how I lost 100 pounds was to begin the journey. 

How I lost 100 pounds by muzzling narcissist parent shaming and humiliation

Hello my friends. Can I just say here how much I love Youtube psychologist and narcissism expert Dr. Ramani? Just when I have a question or issue regarding abuse by my narcissist parents, she addresses it. Today I'm looking at how my narcissist parents kept me fat, ugly and ridiculous so I didn't outshine them. And I'm going to explore how I lost 100 pounds by muzzling their intentional shame and humiliation of me.  

I know, you might so "no child is ugly." And about every other child in the world, I would agree. But not about myself. I cringe to see photos of  my awkward hair, silly clothing and chubby body. I actually thought to myself a few years ago "no wonder they didn't love me. I look like a fool." So that was heartbreaking but also a turning point for me to recall how I've always felt about myself. AND to trace back how they systematically made me look ridiculous to appease their narcissistic vanity and fantasized superiority.

After hearing a talk by Dr. Ramani on how narcissist parents criticize, belittle and mock their children to puff up their own egos, it occurred to me to ask Google AI about that. I asked "would a narcissist  mother dress her child funny and cut her hair in odd unflattering ways?" and also "would a narcissist mother keep her child chubby so she doesn't outshine the mom.?" Kind of like Munchausen's by Proxy or Factitious Disorder where the mother presents false images of herself and her child. 

And the AI results were a very clear "yes, she would." Then I noticed that many people on Reddit had commented on similar habits of narcissistic parents, to infantilize or make the child look ridiculous to contrast their own attractiveness. Instead of tennis shoes, I had to wear these uncomfortable loafers for play. And they make me clumsy. I was dead last chosen for teams in gym class. My mother bought cheap polyester shorts sets which made me look like an Easter egg, when kids my age were wearing cool
jeans and T-shirts. Family members gave me cute clothing but somehow, those always came up missing like so much of my stuff did. 

And that was when my parents bothered to get me clothing at all. I remember wearing a lot of ragbag items and they didn't need to. There was only me and they had plenty of  money to outfit themselves nicely. My mother prided herself on being "hot" wearing short mini skirts and go-go boots when no one else's mother did. It was uncomfortable to be around her in public because she would strut. But then weirdly, march us to church every week where she played the organ. She believed she was a minister, leading souls to God and preaching on sinful everyone else was. In her hotpants. 

I had long, thick beautiful hair that my grandparents were so proud of. My mother had it all hacked off into a pixie haircut which just accentuated my chubby face. The stylist was grief-stricken and tried to persuade my mother to just cut off a little. But nope, 28 inches, gone. She told everyone that I had requested a shorter haircut for swimming. I believed her for the longest time until one day, I realized I had no memory of doing that. 

She would feed me on Dunkin Donuts, Burger King and Colonel Sanders KFC and other fast food. Then the doctor said I was too fat and put me on a 1,000 calorie a day diet at 8. Funny she never took care of my real ailments till they were out of control. But she let a quack put her kid on a far too restrictive calorie counting diet. If he really did. Looking back it might have been another way for her to humiliate me around food and keep me tired and resource-deprived. 

She would announce loudly what size clothing I wore in stores, asking me if 11 chubby would fit or did I need the 13 chubby. She would tell family members how I was so fat that the doctor had to put me on a diet. I don't know if anyone contradicted her or told her it was unsafe. If they did, I never heard. I jus felt uglier and uglier. I see now that her weaponized negligence and my rock bottom low self esteem made me a target for sexual harassment, molestation and abuse. Countless older guys (like 20 when I was 13) have played on my vulnerabilities and lack of parental care, to do yucky things. They made me feel special. 

And in my generation, it was accepted practice for other kids to taunt and ridicule children who were "too thin" or "too fat." Girls, I think, got it worse than boys. I clearly remember Doug W. calling me "whale-o" and "blimp" and Bozo. I'd made matters worse by attempting to wear some makeup and when I gotten hit in the face with by a dodge ball (why the eff they let kids throw balls at each other with enough force to bruise is content for another post). I began to cry and my makeup ran. And Doug, who'd probably thrown the damn ball in the first place, started jeering at me. And no adult intervened. Including my parents. I didn't tell my dad because he never cared and would only have said I shouldn't have worn the makeup in the first place. Defend the bully against your own child, SMH. 

Knowing my dad would have humiliated me, kept me quiet about egregious abuse, which he as participating in too. He had a comeback for everything. Because as Dr. Ramani reminds us, you can never win against a narcissist. It will always be your fault. They won't take your part, ever. Because that might make them have to look at their own culpability in your persecution. I can still hear the scoffing voices: you're too sensitive. You're lying, exaggerating, making it up, showing off, attention seeking. It doesn't matter what anyone does to you, you have to do the right thing (if that isn't a Molotov cocktail!) 

Those voices have embedded themselves in my brain and now I keep myself ugly and stupid to appease my narcissist parents. I gaslight myself that it's wicked to feel proud of how I look. So part of how I lost 100 pounds was to work on muzzling my narcissist parents' gaslighting, And it is a hellish job to get 61 years of toxic garbage out of my head. 

But I have to remember that it was in their best interests to keep me feeling ugly, fat and unlovable. It made me desperate for affection and willing to do whatever they demanded to keep them happy. If that meant getting or staying fat, so she could feel sexy next to her funny looking little daughter, so be it. If it meant dumbing myself down so he didn't feel insecure and threatened by my wisdom, he got it. If it meant playing the dancing fool so everyone could laugh, I did. 

I did it for everyone. It was my job to pump up their pride at my own expense. I've bitten my tongue at outrageous stupidity. Partly out of fear or retribution, which from my parents was swift and harsh. But also out of misguided empathy. Unlike my  narcissist parents, I don't like to see people feel foolish. I'll protect them. But it's my inner child who always took the brunt. 

Dr. Ramani and other youtubers helped me see that. But at 61, it's too little too late. Ingrained habits take so much work to break. I'm suffering difficult healthy issues. Probably they were always there but were dismissed and devalued. And now they have taken up residence. I'm sick and sore and exhausted all the time. My resistance is low. I've been sick three times in the last month, I think from unresolved trauma. 

I can't promise I'll find health. But I do appreciated Dr. Ramani a lot. I also give credit to my husband for relentlessly asserting that I was NOT ugly or homely. For going out and buying frames to showcase the few baby pictures that remain of me. For making me look at them and tell that little girl that she is beautiful. Little secret here, I don't  know if I will ever be able to do that. Narcissist parent gaslighting is soooooo powerful. But  I will practice. 

So, how I lost 100 pounds, to bring it full circle. I lost weight prior to understanding narcissist parents. But I think I was beginning to get the picture. Whether I could admit it or not. In order to lose weight, I had to lose the notion that I was somehow responsible for ensuring they never feel insecure, fat, ugly or stupid. I took all that on myself because they made me do it. Now I have to go rogue and try new, things that are revolutionary and unthinkable. How I lost 100 pounds was to listen to my common sense for a change. 

How I lost 100 pounds using the pancake principle

 Hello my friends. Thanks for helping me unpack some of my CPTSD issues from narcissistic abuse by four narcissist parents. I'm feeling more about now to return to the purpose this blog was created, to show how I lost 100 pounds without weight loss drugs or gastric bypass surgery. Tonight I'm going to explain, from an experience I just had, how I lost 100 pounds using the pancake principle. And it dovetails nicely with intermittent fasting and calorie restricting. 

The pancake principle is a term I coined to explain why it's so easy to overeat, past satiation. I noticed this early on in my parenting when I would make pancakes for the children's breakfast. Round one went down fast and if asked, the kids would say they wanted seconds. Seconds went down a little more slowly but still they'd say they wanted more. By the third pancake, they were usually full. And there sat the pancakes. So I figured out (yes, I'm a little slow) to only make the third batch pancakes after round two had had time to digest. 

Because that's what happens. While you are eating, the food hasn't reached your stomach yet. So you are at that point, still hungry. So part of how I lost 100 pounds was to wait until my food has settled to see if I am still hungry. I often find that I'm not only no longer hungry I'm actually really full. Like now for instance. 

I came home from work hungry enough to eat anything that wasn't nailed down. Seriously, the cats were looking tempting. KIDDING. So I made myself a high protein bread sandwich with smoked salmon and lots of vegetables. (about 300 calories, less the parts I shared with the cats) We're Catholic and its Lent so we are fasting from meat, sweets and alcohol. Eating Lent is also part of  how I lost 100 pounds. 

I wrote a blog post for my Great Food 4U blog while I was eating my keto sandwich and said that I was still so hungry, I might make myself another one. I rounded off my meal with two dates which are great for curbing hunger, curbing sugar cravings and boosting metabolism. As such dates also help prevent Type 2 diabetes, prediabetes (insulin resistance or metabolic syndrome) After my meal I still felt hungry for about 10 minutes. And then what I ate hit my stomach and now I'm almost too full. On a meal of about 400 calories. Weight loss isn't just about calorie restricting. It's about how, when and what you eat too. More on that later!  

Malignant Narcissist parents make kids anxious then shame us for being anxious

 Hello my friends. Today on my path to healing CPTSD from narcissist parent abuse, I'm exploring how malignant narcissist parents make kids anxious and then shame us for being anxious. Then they gaslight us that we have nothing be anxious about and that we are just overreacting. They make intimidate, frighten, confuse and distort reality so that we are always on edge. They fire a barrage of accusations to make us jump. Then they scold us and make us feel foolish for feeling nervous and Which now I see is another of their gaslighting hypocrisies. It outs them as the malignant narcissist parents they are. 

We're told that no one can make you feel anything. You CHOOSE to let them. Well, I beg to differ. Narcissist parents can and do absolutely coerce their children into feelings of insecurity, instability, fear, shame and guilt. By DOING irresponsible, unsettling, frightening, shaming and attacking things. With gaslighting, they create a false reality where life is dangerous, chaotic and and parents are unpredictable, vengeful, two-faced, backstabbing and must revered like gods or else there will be hell to pay. 

But then these dementors rile kids up some more by turning on and blaming them for feeling exactly how the malignant narcissist parents groomed them to feel. My mother and father would alternately rage at, mock and humiliate AND then dump all their issues on me. I was scapegoat, sounding board, surrogate parent, surrogate spouse, sponge, complaint department, confidante and counselor. But I never knew which hat I was expected to wear and they weaponized this by continually flipping roles. So I was always behind and struggling to catch up. 

I was exhausted and depleted from all the demands and FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) put on me. But I didn't dare say anything and just went along with it because it was only ever about mom or dad or stepmom or stepdad.  And this is exactly how malignant narcissist parents want you. Tenderized. Ferberized. Compliant. Biddable. Moldable. 

And then came round two of gaslighting. After making  life a living nightmare (seriously I trauma dream about this shit all the time) I was a pretty shell-shocked kid and probably showed it. I don't know. Pictures of me show a kid with jaws clamped biting my tongue. Anyway, they spun that as me being pouty, self-pitying, attention-seeking. Though I never once asked for or got help from anyone. 

Out of the blue,  my dad would bark at me to "stop being so heavy" to "lighten up." To stop "showing off." He'd shame and sneer at me for being jumpy and nervous. They'd call me ridiculous, foolish, immature, deceitful. 

He, the heaviest element on the planet, would scold me for "being depressed" as if that was his sole prerogative. He'd mope around and unload all his woes (mostly self-made) on me. He'd whine about how he felt so guilty and then side-eye me waiting to be reassured and soothed that he had nothing to feel guilty about. 

None of them ever made wise, responsible choices. They did whatever they felt like and then had the audacity to preach to everyone else about how God wanted them to live their lives. They had the gall to call out sin in other people as they were doing these things themselves. Oh they had plenty to feel guilty about. 

They dropped the ball on me so many times. Or should I say never picked it up. But of course, they just pushed the cigarette machine's buttons and she had to dispense what they wanted. I lied and said all was well and pasted a perma-grin on my face. But they were never satisfied. They'd start with the accusations of faking it, making it up, and insincerity. OF COURSE I WAS FAKING IT!!!! WHAT CHOICE DID I HAVE?? YOU MADE MY LIFE HELL AND EXPECTED ME TO THANK YOU FOR IT!! But of course there could be no authenticity because they had to placated all the time. It would have been unthinkably dangerous not to. Or at least that's how they all made me feel. This is the definition of shit and shoved in it. 

Then I'd go to my mother's house for another take on it. She did whatever she wanted at any moment no matter how irresponsible, immoral or illegal. She left me to shoulder the consequences, gave me no help and then joined her boyfriends in traumatizing me and mocking me for feeling traumatized. I was just one big joke to them. A big joke, I might add, who was doing all the work in her foster home. She'd claim they did everything for me. It was me who was ungrateful and she who was the victim (DARVO) Then they kicked me out of the house, for shits and giggles. 

But remember I said earlier that they out themselves with their hypocrisies? The very fact that they told to both lighten up (stop overreacting) and that I was making it up for attention, is the key. I couldn't be making it up and overreacting. Either shit did or didn't  happen. Which of course is even more bewildering. 

But narcissists know they caused your pain. They know you're neither making it up nor exaggerating. But they would cut their own tongues out before admitting it. So they just throw a  bunch of gaslighting word salad at you to see what stick. Unfortunately it all sticks in the traumatized child's brain. She feels it all: guilt, shame, fear, self-loathing, confusion. She feels stupid, foolish, humiliated, ridiculous. But it's not the child who owns these issues. She is just the repository in which they dump their stupidity. She is the sponge that absorbs it all so her entitled, arrogant, manipulative sadistic dark tetras parents don't  have to. 

This is their legacy. What they have indoctrinated her to be. It has taken me almost 62 years to start to sort out what is mine and what is theirs. It's why confessing my sins is difficult. I can't see clearly what I was responsible for and what I wasn't. So many failings and wrongs I've allowed them to gaslight me about now live rent-free in my head. 

 

Bizarre, cringy exhibitionist things narcissist parents do to scare, humiliate or destabilize

 Hello my friends. I've been working to sort out issues from CPTSD caused by four narcissist parents and their narcissistic new families. Today I'm exploring  bizarre cringy, attention-seeking things narcissist parents do and say to   humiliate, confuse and destabilize you. And boy, once you start dismantling the weird world narcissist parents created for you, the more disturbing things you unearth. I've written about some of these odd behaviors before but today I realized how attention-seeking and downright exhibitionist they are. Typically we think of exhibitionist as more sexual in nature and I certainly dealt with a lot of  that from my narcissist parents, but exhibitionism takes in more than just sexual. I'll explain. 

1) Parading around naked or bragging about it. Both my parents did this when I was young and later in life. When I was 6 I asked why daddy had a tail. To this day, my mother talks freely to anyone who will listen about her genitalia. She prides herself on sleeping naked and will announce it at public gatherings. You might think she's just off her rocker, but those of us who know her, know there's more to it. She also fancies herself licensed minister (she isn't) and loudly decries seductive or immoral behavior. I have come to the conclusion after decades of embarrassment, that she does this with the specific attention-seeking intent of making everyone uncomfortable and luring men into lustful thoughts and then pitting her volatile, pathologically jealous husband against them by suggesting so and so "hit on her." She did this with her boyfriend's friends. She did this to my boyfriends. She did this to my husband. She did this with my paternal grandfather, accusing him of sexually molesting her. Her husband actually went to my grandparents' home (they were in their 80s) and verbally attacked them and threatened physical abuse. The only reason the police weren't called is that my grandfather was a placatory person, like me. There were so many times I could have alerted the authorities to my mother's and her husband's actions. 

2) Violent unprovoked outbursts of rage at family gatherings. Youtube psychologist and childhood trauma specialist Patrick Teahan did an excellent talk on this kind of narcissist parent behavior. It made me feel so sad for kids who witnessed that. And it took me until today, to realize that I'd experienced this from my mother and father and their new partners many times. One Christmas, my dad exploded on me in front of about 30 people, because I'd gone to the bathroom to try on my new sweater. Everyone was horrified. I almost threw up I was so upset. No one did a thing. No one checked or confronted him. So he felt entitled to do it again whenever he needed narcissistic supply. Which was a lot. 

3) Purposely doing shocking and even disgusting things for pity and attention. (this one is not for the faint-hearted) You've heard of people self-harming for attention My mother told me story of how she let her period blood "run down her legs" when she and my dad were at a friend's house. She says she was too shy to ask to use the bathroom and that my dad got "angry" with her. My is many things: shy is not one. She is loud, bombastic and even brags that she loves "shocking people." She got the attention she craves but everyone was entirely weirded out. And my dad (who is an angry person) most likely felt upset she didn't say something, vaguely guilty for somehow not knowing and utterly embarrassed that she'd made fools of them both. Which is what she wanted, I've come to see. 

4) Violent outbursts when the victim is vulnerable. My dad and stepdad didn't  have much in common except my mom, narcissism and a propensity ambush or attack me when I was most vulnerable. That's how coward bullies operate. My stepdad attacked and threatened me several times, once when I was holding a foster baby, one of four kids under 5 I was responsible to care for at night (at 11, way too young). Another time I was holding my newborn daughter. Before you ask (which you probably aren't', but yanno, voices in my head) no I didn't do anything to provoke him except perhaps accidentally wake him up. But either way, he was always ready to attack me. Another time my dad flew into a tantrum, ran across the room, grabbed me and started beating me. I was 13. Again, unprovoked. As if there is any provocation for attacks like that. It shocked everyone watching. Malignant attention-seeking narcissists always make sure there is an audience to witness your humiliation.  

5) Calling people by degrading nicknames, slurs, saying outrageously insulting things. My mom's husband loved to call me "Blisters" (in reference to my small breast size). My mother would smirk, preen herself (she loves talking about her breasts) and laugh along. The only one who didn't was my boyfriend now husband. He's the one who helped me see that this is sexual harassment. My dad would insult my clothing choices telling me loudly to "change your clothes you look ridiculous." I wore plaid pants like the Bay City Rollers. My dad wore plaid pants too, but I guess that was different. My mom's husband has an ethnic slur for everyone and she laughs it off. My grandparents to him were "ignorant dikes" (an old slur for people from Holland). Yet my mom made a big stink about "people" (no idea who, she generalizes a lot) calling Kentuckians "hillbillies." She made an exaggerated silly Facebook post about it. Then when we went to the doctor's office she loudly said of the PA "she's so SKINNY!" Yet if anyone called her fat, she'd be furious. 

6) Shouting at religious worship services, ceremonies or somber events including funerals. She will yell "HALLELUJAH or "PRAISE THE LORD! at the top of her lungs at a funeral. But she's not at one of her Assembly of God meetings where they do that. It's at our Catholic church where we don't. Or at my family of origin's Dutch Reformed churches where they don't. It. Is. Mortifying. I never had the guts to check her and it's one of the reasons I've gone no contact with them. Not the biggest one, but one. She doesn't do it to actually praise God (I think even He's embarrassed). She is attention-seeking and also trying to show up people who are quieter and more reverent. She says SHE's not ashamed of God (like we are, supposedly). I've heard other people say weird stuff like this about how they are LOUD and PROUD of God. No you're just an attention-seeking loudmouth trying to make others uncomfortable. 

7) Dressing provocatively or oddly. I'm not talking show cleavage. I don't care if someone wears a shirt cut to South America. I'm talking about wearing very occasion-inappropriate clothing like obviously scruffy clothes to a wedding, just to shame the bride and groom. Or to get pity. Or trying to outshine the bride by wearing a bridal type dress. My mother has done both. And if only she just did that. But no, she takes it nuclear wearing nightgowns that are obviously nightgowns. The kind with little bows. Cringe. It's not a matter of wearing something that could be taken for street clothing. She goes out of her way to find the nightgowniest nightgown and wear it to her great-granddaughter's baptism where everyone is nicely dressed. She has been doing this so long that back when the extended family got together at holidays they put out a dress code with the invite. Not that any of us needed it--just my exhibitionist  mother and her bunch. 

8) Shunning or obviously excluding people with strange remarks. My mother made a point that when she came to my house to see her grandchildren, she would always say "I have to get home to MY family." She always boasts in front of me how "her family" took her out to dinner for her birthday. Me and mine weren't invited. She did this at the doctor that last time I took her. Then told me that I could take her out separately. I was to know  in no uncertain terms that she had her shiny new family that did NOT include me. That I was her daughter only for her convenience. She was not my mother. She's been doing that since she divorced my dad when I was 6. No actually she has excluded me all my life. 

9) Doing outrageously bizarre things to humiliate. This is the cake-smearing, stupid pranking type mentality. My mom's coup de grace was throwing a pie in my face at her company work party that she had invited me and my children to attend. Then her daughter had to grab a pie and throw it at my son, to start a food fight. It was not that type of event. The pies were for a pie-eating contest that only she and her daughter were participating in. No one else was interested in making fools of themselves, including me. My kids and a few others wanted to but I was reluctant to let them. I think pie eating contests are gross and it seems others felt likewise. . I think she felt stupid because no one else wanted to. But instead of just quietly acceding to public opinion she had to punish me. Her jackass husband the only on laughing, then got mad at me for "not being able to take a joke." He had loudly announced if anyone threw one at him, he'd kick their ass. This was not that type of event. It was classy and nice until my buffoon mother, her daughter and husband decided to take the tone down. Strangers were rushing over to help me and the kids because they felt badly for us. 

10) Calling people out publicly, picking fights, haranguing, street preaching, "witnessing", solicitation and exhibitionist type acts done in the name of religion. I list this last because it's the most gaslighty-weird. They call it "saving souls." I call it intimidating people. Basically these narcissists will approach or even attack random passers-by with whatever agenda they are selling. If the person doesn't answer with whatever their little code phrase is, they will browbeat them. If you're my age, you might remember the Moonies who gave out (sold) flowers at airports. That's not what I mean (though it was disingenuous to offer them and then expect payment). This is heckling. You know, the kind who show up at community concert telling you you're all going to hell. These people are not protesting. They are not even spreading the word of God. They are antagonistic exhibitionists who love to be the center of attention. I've been with my mother when she got it in her head to "confront" people she deemed needed calling out. Out of the blue. It was none of her business and freakishly awkward. 

But the best offense against these people is a good defense. If you know someone like this, be prepared. When they go into their shenanigans ignore them. Walk don't run, away. Don't give them airspace. Not out of some gaslighted need to "rise above" or be the bigger person. Uh-uh. You already are the bigger person. Ignore them because that's what they hate when don't give them the attention they crave. Then just stand back and watch them gape for air. You can give them a little smirk and a head shake if you like. 

Now for children or with aggressive attacks this is different. Kids need and ally and if an adult is attacking BE THAT ALLY. Stick your neck out. If just one person had stood up for me, I'd be in a healthier place now. If you are being attacked, don't back down or cower. Stand your ground and tell them loud and clear that they are out of line. Don't curse or namecall. Just put them on notice. 

But be sure you are safe. If I had the situation to do over when I had my daughter, I'd have gone to the neighbor, asked to use the phone, called the police and my husband and told them that my mom's husband had attacked me. Then no matter what the police did, I'd have said, this is the last time you will ever do that again. And I would have gone no contact then and there. 

One way or another, there is about a 95% chance they will back down because bullies are craven cowards. But in situations as egregiously bad as that, it doesn't matter if they do or don't. Some things you can't and shouldn't come back from. One and done. 

Bizarre ways narcissist parents abuse their kids then gaslight them about it

 Hello my friends. I recently found a box of stuff my narcissist stepmother had saved and in it was a note my narcissist dad wrote me. Reading it brought back all the awful feelings of confusion, shame, guilt and betrayal he instilled in my. Funnily enough, it was supposed to be an apology but it was nothing of the kind. I see now it was a baffling word salad of DARVO and victim-shaming with an ulterior motive. I threw it out but here's the gist. Listen and see if you hear what's wrong with it. 

"Good morning, Mary. Your stepmother was very upset that you couldn't be more helpful to her. She doesn't ask much of you. We need you to pitch in more and with a cheerful face. I know you think you have too many chores and that you are angry about it. Sometimes we feel unappreciated but we should just know that we are. Being part of a family requires sacrifice. We should be glad to be of use. As the Bible says, "serve joyfully with not thought of reward or praise." Love Dad" 

For context, I was 14, and co-slept with the baby in a cramped, tiny room. There was no room for a desk or place to do homework. I had to get up with him in the night. While they had a huge bedroom large enough for two queen beds and a breakfast nook. They had an adult foster care home in which I worked, unpaid. I prepared, served and cleaned up after meals for them and the adult residents. I made their lunches and was still in the  kitchen long after everyone else was watching TV. 

I folded and put laundry away. I hung diapers on the line and took them in. I mopped floors on my hands and knees. I cleaned bathrooms, dusted, vacuumed and ironed. I had to babysit and couldn't have after school activities or a job. We lived way out of town and I was too busy caring for residents and their children. I had to stay up  late to finish homework and be up at 5:30 to catch the bus. I had to find and pay for rides to any outside thing I did. 

My dad worked nights and was completely disinterested in me outside what he could get out of me. He would mock and ridicule my hobbies and interests. My stepmother mostly sat and sulked. She didn't like being a mom let alone a stepmom. She didn't like me. So if my dad showed me any affection or tenderness, she got mad and sabotaged it with a pouting, passive-aggressive temper tantrum. Ergo the letter from my dad. 

So let's dissect that letter. First, angry stepmother. I didn't know then but do now that she was always upset and I, being biddable and subservient, made a convenient scapegoat. She knew she could goad my dad to anger as well, by pouting. He didn't like her and she didn't like him. What they agreed on was that I was the source of their problems. My dad would dump on me how difficult she was while still writing me letters like that. It wasn't just one. 

So as far as not doing enough for her, there really wasn't much else I could do. I have no idea in what way I'd "let her down." He wasn't very good with details, just vague accusations. She was upset, he was annoyed with her but too cowardly to confront her so he bullied me. As for my lack of "cheerful face" I was too cheerful, too obedient, too conscientious in the face of their exploitation. I don't remember ever complaining. And bear in mind, these were the least cheerful people you could imagine. The seething resentment, hostility and tension in the air was sliceable with a knife. 

Which oddly, is how these selfish, arrogant narcissists were able to manipulate and gaslight me. Narcissists ignore their consciences while I was plagued by guilt.  I felt responsible for everyone while they were irresponsible. They lied and twisted things to play on my overactive conscience. Did I let them down, Oh God, how?? Was I sullen, oh no, must fix that. Wouldn't want to displease anyone. 

And I see now how my arrogant, judgmental, fault-finding dad had made himself a god to me. And how he indoctrinated me to think he knew my mind better than I did. How he could ferret out my sin that I was hiding. Notice how he tells me how I feel (angry) and what I think (that I have too many chores and was unappreciated). But it was all smoke and mirrors. I did have too many and they were ungrateful but I never felt or thought it but I should have. 

He was speaking to himself in this letter and putting his issues on me. He knew he was responsible for  his  new wife, whom I never asked for nor had a  say in her being shoved on me. And he was responsible to and for me. But flipped that around on me. And I believed him (though confused)  because he knew everything. He was god. And notice too how he never admits they were ungrateful and demanding. He says I THOUGHT they were. So here's me, doing my best but again, scrambling to not do all these things he said I did and to do better. 

And he was excusing and soothing himself while shaming me. They weren't grateful for my work and had no intention of doing anything but expecting more. Yet I was supposed to, with no evidence of it, just feel appreciated. This is how narcissists steal their kids' souls. They rewrite history, reality and basic human rules for their own ends. 

The gaslighting is boggling. The bit about family being about sacrifice. Parents sacrifice in families. While I as the surrogate parent was doing all the sacrificing as they just did as they pleased. And they weren't my family, when it came to being there for me. I was their possession while also being an unwelcome nuisance. And then factor in the religious gaslighting, with all the thou shalts and shalt nots. God isn't speaking to children, about being servants. He's speaking to adults and parents. 

Yet my dad made me feel solely responsible for the burdens he lay on me but did not carry. And funny my stepmom would choose that letter to save. 

 

Toxic BS about "poor, helpless victim" narcissist parents

Hello my friends. In my quest to heal CPTSD from narcissist parent abuse, I've heard the gamut of advice. Most of it, unsolicited, toxically positive, preachy, judgemental, victim shaming nonsense. I wish I was exaggerating but I'm not. And it's time we, who are their victims, stop buying into this BS about the poor helpless narcissist as victim. This is fuel they use to burn their victims further. Here is some of the toxic BS being bandied about as helpful and therapeutic. 

"She's a victim, too." MMMgrrr, biting tongue here so I don't explode. She may have been abused as a child, MAY have been. I never saw or heard of it with either my narcissist mother or father. And they would have made sure to weaponize it for pity if it had. They always played the DARVO card against any suggestion that they were abusive. They always expected and got exoneration for bad behavior. They always kept the focus on themselves as saintly martyrs, never their actions. This is just another free pass to keep up the abuse, unchecked. 

Abused abuser crap. I personally don't think cruelly abusive people mistreat because they were mistreated. I think they are malignant and nasty and like hurting people. But even if I'm wrong and they were abused by their parents, so what? That doesn't give them license to hurt others. They should know, as I do, how it feels and NOT perpetuate it. If that were the case, all of us abused kids would be hurting others and I don't. And few that I know do. The order of operations is wrong. Malignant narcissists don't hurt because they were hurt. They don't retaliate, they draw first blood. They hurt because it's what they do. 

"They can't help it." This one may be the most insidiously dangerous one of all, to tell people they have no control over meanness. What, so someone held a gun to her head saying, "mistreat your daughter"?? God doesn't design people to be cruel. They choose to be. Often, they go out of their way to hurt when being nice would be so much easier. My parents never took responsibility for their actions. They always made me take the brunt. They were cruelly controlling of me yet now you want me to believe these master manipulators have no control over their behavior? Pull the other one. 

They mean well. Do they?? If that's well meant give me ill meant any day. At least it's honest. Did you even hear what I said that they did?  Abandoned me on a remote island 3,000 miles from home to go God knows where. Let me to play alone on a wharf.  Forced me to do endless backbreaking house work they never helped with. Made me parent their kids. Moved her sexually abusive violent boyfriend in and left me to manage her foster care home. Kicked me out of the house at 16 for no good reason. (there is no good reason and it's illegal). But it's okay because they meant well. No, they maliciously endangered and abused me. Would you be saying that if it was you or one of your kids? If you really believe that's in my best interests, then be off with your gaslighting hypocrisy. 

They "lack" remorse or empathy. This one is tricky because even trained psychologists will use this, what I call gaslighting lite, to confuse the victims of narcissistic abuse. They make it sound as if narcissists were born without remorse or empathy, like a leg or arm. Which implies that we should somehow exempt them from normal expectations of remorse or empathy. Whelp, news flash, that's exactly the kind of thing narcissists weaponize to gain 1) sympathy (ironically) for themselves as the victim and 2) permission to keep on doing nasty things. Because, yanno, they "can't" feel regret because they "don't have" compassion, so we can't expect them to. Nope. They've got as much as anyone else. They just choose not to use it. And so like the proverbial unused muscle, it atrophies. And we give them carte blanche to carry on remorselessly, pitilessly hurting by making it some kind of thing beyond their control. 

She deserves your pity not censure. Oh dear me, this crazy double standard comes right from the narcissist playbook. Her heinous sins are no big deal and never her fault. Someone else is always to blame. We're always supposed to feel sorry for her and extend endless mercy. While anyone else's minor infractions are capital crimes she shouts from the rooftop and which deserve no mercy. While in the actual act of perpetrating a crime, she's the victim in need of sympathy. Black is white, up is down, right is wrong. It's however she choose to spin it that moment. And since when have I ever been allowed to censure her? 

Narcissists have a disease, disorder, disability or handicap. Oh my God, why don't you just give them SSI and a handicapped parking sticker for being incurable pri-cks. My mother already thinks the world owes her everything on a silver platter and that she's above rules. The last thing we need is for her to have diagnosis encouraging her.. And while it's true that NPD is listed as a disorder, it's not one over which narcissists have no control (another myth). No disease is. Though they would use it that way. I remember reading a post by a mom excusing her 8 y/o son calling his teacher a filthy c-nt because the kid had Asperger's. Mother blaming the teacher for not realizing he was "special." Hmm, translation: exempt from rules. Special needs teacher here, Asperger's doesn't make kids act like that. Arrogant, entitled narc parents do. Narcissists aren't special. They can help it. And yes, I know and you know diseases, disorders, whatever, aren't excuses for bad behavior. But the narcissist doesn't and will leverage anything that seems to exonerate them. 

They did their best with what they had. This inane comment has been used to shield perpetrators for too long now. For one thing, you have no idea what they had and they had plenty. It was me that did without so they could have whatever they wanted. English riding lessons, when I didn't  have toys or a bedroom. Expensive jewelry, decorations, breed dog, the nicest new furniture, a water bed, a private suite, while I co-slept with their babies. The people this comment is meant to explain are those who made do and did without so their kids could have better. That is the antithesis of me and parents. 

That's just how they are. And? So? What? It's okay because they're "just like that?" Poisonous and deadly is how a cobra is, but we don't invite him into our child's bedroom. And since when did "being that way" justify or excuse them being as awful as they can? Why would we not expect them to do better, to be accountable for their actions? Malignant narcissists aren't that way through some accident of birth. They choose to act badly. On purpose with an intentional agenda. They are arrogant, entitled, exploitative and cruel, by choice. It's their children, who by accident of birth get stuck with them. And anyone who gives a free pass with the old "that's just how they are" has not suffered from the reality of how bad they really are. 

Here's my rebuttal to all this nonsense. A narcissist parent isn't the victim. She is the perpetrator victimizing her child. She is the abuser regardless of whether or not she was abused. She can help it she just doesn't want to. He didn't mean well for me, but himself. He got what he wanted no matter the cost to me. He doesn't lack remorse, he just doesn't feel obliged to it. Remorse and empathy are for others, not him. Narcissists don't have disorders, but their victims do from living with them. They did their best for themselves, not me. 

And so that's just how they are? Well, then, here's how I "just am." Sick of it up to my eyebrows. Cutting ties and going no contact with it. If that makes me vindictive and selfish and unforgiving, pfft, so be it. At least I'm not a doormat anymore.