The worst hurt dark tetrad parents inflict on kids and the shocking reason they do

 Hello my friends. I just finished listening to a podcast by with Patrick Teahan and Dr. Ingrid Clayton on childhood trauma specifically from what Dr. Clayton calls "Untouchable Mothers" and I've been nodding my head so much I've got a neckache. Hearing their descriptions of abuse while sad to hear were so helpful in unpacking my own CPTSD. It made me realize what the single most painful (in an enormous heap of painful) hurt that dark tetrad parents inflict on their children. And also the shocking reason why they do it. 

It's not being cold or distant, though that certainly hurts. It's not the neglect which is horrible to live with. It's not even them making it clear that they don't love you. That is sheer torment but still not the worst (so you know it must be pretty bad.) The absolute worst abuse imaginable is when they not only hurt you but invite other people into your life who also hurt you and then turn their backs on you when you need them. Either by disbelieving, gaslighting or even weaponizing it to further their own selfish ends. Or all three. Both my parents did this and let their second partners do it as well. 

And it's not just one time they do it. They consistently kick you to the curb and hold the door for others to hurt you. And it sometimes take years or decades to realize it (59 years for me). Not because it was an isolated incident and you forgot. But precisely because they did it so routinely that it became your  normal and you got used to it. They also so thoroughly gaslit you that you were making it up or showing off that you doubted yourself and buried it deep in your poor wounded little heart.

And I believe that the shocking, terrible reason they betray you and allow you to be hurt is the most disgusting of all. And the hardest for a child to cope with. Some us fail miserably. The reason is that they were always going to disbelieve and shame you and take the other person's part. Because they know full well what's going on. I don't believe for a moment that parents whose partners hurt their children are blind to it nor are they the innocent party here. And they prove it when they blame the child for reporting it. Some even blame the child when they catch them in flagrante. 

But we don't understand this as children because we can't allow ourselves to. We rely on these people for our very lives. So how can we ever accept that they would betray us? Our minds can't handle that much pain. So we absorb it deep into ourselves, paste a smile on our scared, scarred faces and carry on, shipshape and Bristol fashion. Which suits our persecutors perfectly. It gives them even more fuel to continue abusing, endangering and exploiting because we've essentially taken all the blame on ourselves. 

Having said all that, I do think on some level we knew that mommy or daddy was never going to help us. That they were always going to hurt us. And I think we also know that mommy and daddy know and approve. That they have actually orchestrated it from the beginning. That's why we don't say anything. Because we're afraid that our fears will be confirmed. We let them gaslight us into disbelieving ourselves and taking shame and blame on ourselves. (which is contradictory of course. If  it didn't happen there's no need to blame. And their blame-shifting proves that it did happen and that our parents are blame. That it is in fact, their fault we are in this mess. Because, and let me be very clear about this

THEY INVITED THE PERPETRATOR IN KNOWING FULL WELL WHAT HE OR SHE WOULD DO TO US. THEY GET SOMETHING OUT OF IT, QUID PRO QUO. They have pimped out their child either actually or metaphorically. They are participating in the abuse even if they just turn a blind eye. And yes I feel as nauseated saying this as you do reading it. 

At the mildest level, they use their child as a shield against their partner's wrath. They scapegoat the child and pit their partner against the child to save themselves. They chain her to these demanding, selfish people because they are too weak, lazy or selfish to do it themselves. That was my dad. When he realized what a handful his new wife was going to be, he fed me to her and their kids, to placate their voracious greed, dusted his hands and went on his way doing his own thing, problem solved. 

That's the less bad but still awful to live with version. At the blacker end, where extra 90% cacao dark tetrads live, the parent purposefully brings dangerous people in specifically because they are dangerous. Because the dark tetrad is also dangerous, entitled, impulsive, thrill-seeking, twisty, manipulative and sadistic and feels sexy about all that. 

She plays the Love's Baby Soft ingenue, all the while stabbing her daughter in the back and pretending not to notice she's holding the knife. She triangulates the child into the vertex so now both can fire on the kid. She lies to and machinates against both the child and her halfwit boyfriend. She eggs the creep on to do creepy things, sits back and cackles at how clever she is, getting them both to dance to her tune.  

Then SHE cries victim. For all she cheered on her daughter getting hurt, she's quick to attack when she gets hurt. Which is usually invented. No one dares hurt the dominatrix. But still all hands are wringing for her, because we care a lot more about adults hurting adults than them hurting children. She knows this and does she exploit it. She plays people off each other like cards. Each has his role in her shitshow. She paints her child, parents, siblings, boyfriend, everyone else the villain, herself the wounded heroine. Daughter believes her because she loves mommy. She keeps her hurt backstage because it's all about  mother. She's the star. And no one stops to notice that mother is also directing the show. 

Why does mother do all this? God only knows. Probably because dark tetrads love power and goodies and attention and they love it best when they make someone else suffer to get them. It's the ultimate BDSM orgasm.  At least I presume. I don't know for sure. They are so effing disturbing that I hate even thinking about their motives. 

But I think the lady doth protest too much. And I also think people are starting to catch on that she's not quite the genuine article. That she's played us all for suckers. Fat lot of good that does little Marilisa now, however. 

Nonsensical stuff boomer parents actually tell their kids (with a straight face!)

Hi friends. If you said that my past few months of posts have been dark, I would say AF! And today's pretty grim too except that I'm going to try to make it funny. Think rubber crutch and orthopedic ward funny. Or comedy noir. 👺I'm going to share nonsensical, what the actual stuff boomer parents actually say to their kids, with a straight face. Not just dark tetrads parents, normal people. Although dark tetrads, blamey-shamey faux Christian spin certainly adds the whipped cream and cherry to the nutsy-cuckoo sundae. The clinical term for it is word salad😕. I'm not sure why but I love this phrase. 

Do as we say not as we do. Raise your hand if you heard this eyebrow-raiser as a kid. Picture dad chain smoking and paddling Junior for sneaking a cigarette. Talk about phoning it in!  Daddy dearest can do whatever stupid thing he wants but it's okay cuz he told the kid not to. Huh. What does that even mean? And why would I do what you say when you say bullshit you don't live by???? And I don't think you really want me to do what you say because you say some pretty idiotic stuff. 

Shut your damned dirty mouth.  Ummm...pot, kettle? A supervisor once told my husband to "shut the F-ck up" when husband said what the hell about something. Sooo, cursing at someone for cursing. I feel like one of those cartoon characters doing a "doi-oi-oink" double take. 

At your age, we never had all that technology! Um, excuse me but movies were around by 1900s, most everyone had a radio by 1925. And TV by the late 1940s. So unless you were born when Victoria was queen you had technology. 

We played outside back then. Maybe but you also watched endless hours of TV. You can quote entire episodes of Hogan's Heroes and Hee Haw. 

We knew the meaning of hard work. You knew it but did you actually do it? Cuz I don't think I've seen you out of your La-Z-Boy since 1979. I think you're getting bed sores. Are those roots I see growing under you? You call me in from my room down the hall to fetch you a beer from the fridge two paces away. 

We knew the value of a dollar. Yeah, my dollar. And this from the person always short of cash and borrowing money. 

Back in my day, times were so much better. Oh please, stop talking like you lived in Mayberry RFD. Nobody lived in Mayberry! You're younger than I am and I remember 16.9% unemployment, couldn't get a job at McDonald's. And it was great if you were a white male. The rest of us, less so. 

Back then women knew their place. We still do, in the house, senate, presidency and CEO's desk. 

Women steal men's jobs. Is that why you've been living off your girlfriend since 1982? Can't get a  job or won't, I wonder. 

Back then you didn't have to be so afraid of being accused of sexual harassment. I'll just let that one marinate. 

Biblical Commands that don't apply to kids of dark tetrad parents

Hi friends. Today in my quest to  heal CPTSD from dark tetrad parent abuse, I'm going to share some helps that will seem to fly in the face of Christian principles. I believe that some Bible commands don't apply to those of us with CPTSD, or actually anyone under certain circumstances. And if you want to shout "heresy" and run screaming, feel free. I'm not seeking permission or validation anymore. I want to help those of us who have survived parental abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, exploitation, scapegoating, enmeshment, triangulation, shaming, invalidation, gaslighting and all the other crap these dark parents wreak on us. 

I know, from having lived with four Christian dark tetrads who weaponized scripture, there's no one more abusive than a religious narcissist parents. They sabotaged everything for us, including our relationship with God, to further their own ends. They made themselves gods and not like the God. They are punitive, spiteful, malicious, malignant and wicked. They proclaim to serve God but embrace evil, then blame others for their bad behavior. Everything is upside down, inside out and messed up for children of dark tetrads. Rules of loving parents didn't apply to us. We lived with hypocritical double standards. They placed burdens and expectations on us they didn't live by. Everything we learned was bass ackwards. We learned to serve them, not God. Consequently, it we can't be held to common Biblical principles. Let alone should be. Here are some of my new rules for us kids of dark tetrads. 

You can serve too much. We're told to give ourselves wholeheartedly to serve and we did and do. But it's to no avail with dark tetrads who are black holes and never satisfied. We were groomed and prostituted out to hurtful people. We were also told by them that letting people walk on us and abuse us was God's will. It's not. It's THEIR will cloaked as God's. And God says to have no other gods before Him. We have to learn to serve God's way which isn't hurtful but helpful. 

Scripture is written to you not to others to tell you. You'll hear a lot from self-righteous, arrogant people about what the Bible says you're supposed to do. As if you can't read for yourself. And they are often doing the things they preach against and not doing what they say God says to do. Because they get order of operations wrong. Scripture wasn't written for them to preach to others. It is written to each of us to obey as God calls him or her. They are not required as intermediaries and only get in the way and mess it up when they insert themselves. They're approval isn't required. That's God's job. Which again, they usurp for themselves. We are called to live for God not to dictate how others should.  

You can tell God when you've had too much. My dark tetrad parents told me it was wicked to tell God "I can't." He would decide when enough was enough. Translation: WE will decide how much is too much and there's never enough you can do or we can put on you. Serving us is serving God. Nope. Again they're playing God. 

Disobeying immoral rules is okay. In fact, you should. They will blame and shame you for "disobedience" to them as if it was disobedience to God. But when you refuse to  honor them as God you're obeying Him. You're also actually helping them to hopefully stop their pridefully playing God and humble themselves. 

You do not have to honor dishonorable parents. They're always on about honoring them (as parents) but they don't live it. They don't honor their own parents. They just demand. They also don't respect their children. They use and exploit them. Dark tetrads also forget the part about not angering your children nor being a millstone around her neck. They also define "respect" and "honor" unBiblically. They twist honor, respect and obey into bow and scrape, be subservient, worship, allow me to hurt you, turn a blind eye to my sinful ways. I'm going to start a new post on this because it's crucial. 

You don't have to honor their new spouses as parents. That's one of the biggest scams in history. They will spin it like these are your new parents and they get to boss you around too. But they aren't and can't. And the Bible backs me up on this. Just because they drag some new person into your life does NOT make them your parent. You have two only. You don't OWE your parents anything and certainly not their new spouses, especially if they are arrogant, hateful, vicious and nasty like mine were. It is good to be kinds because it's good for you. Being a doormat is good for no one. 

You don't have to bear one another's burdens because they say to. This Bible injunction is greatly exploited by dark tetrads who use it against already too empathic people. especially their kids. You are not their sex therapist, counselor, lawyer, whipping girl or toxic waste dump. They are required to help you bear your burdens, especially those they put on you but they don't. They give you a list of tasks they don't help with. They don't ask for help, they demand it but don't give it in return, even to vulnerable children who can't survive without  their help. My new rule says you can choose who, when and how to help other people but on your own terms and how it feels right to you. Trust yourself. You're wise enough to do this. You don't owe them help just because they demand it. And if they are expecting, guilting and demanding it, they don't need it, they just  feel entitled to it. Which completely voids the command. 

You can and should count the cost of your giving. When Jesus was speaking about this, it was to selfish, narcissistic, arrogant dark tetrads (Pharisees) who hoarded their ill-gotten wealth and didn't freely give. However, commands like this are used by these very people against their victims to force them into perpetual servitude and then are never satisfied and always complaining and criticizing. If the victim objects she's accused of not giving freely, by people who never give to her without strings attached. 

You can decide who, what, when, where and how to obey, help or be generous to. It is not someone else's place to dictate to you what you  must give to them. Anyone that does this is proving that he or she is manipulative, exploitative and greedy. God doesn't tell them to tell you what to do. God speaks to each person individually not through a translator who twists the gospel to her purpose. Again, trust that God is leading you. 

You should expect in return. Selfish dark tetrads will gaslight you with this all the time with their constant gimmes and takees. They never give without expectation and not even then much. So you keep on paying out like a broken slot machine. And they gleefully grab up all you pay out and stand their with their hands open for more. If you stop paying out or suggest they might actually pay,  they accuse you of being selfish. But reciprocity is the basis of healthy relationships. One person doing all the manual labor, giving, helping, supporting while the other  just takes goes against God and common sense. 

You don't have to forgive endlessly. Dark tetrads will gaslight you with this one too. Yet they are the most unforgiving, grudge-holding, resentful people on the planet. And they aren't sorry for what they do. They excuse, defend and blame-shift onto you, all manner of wrong. They will use up their 490 chances and keep demanding more. Actually all your forgiveness (as in turning a blind eye and saying it's okay) is just further license for them to keep hurting. So you forgiving is a stumbling block to them humbling themselves and repenting. Learn the true definition of forgiveness which is accept that it  happened and be done.   

You don't have to be all things to all people all the time. Oh the many levels of suffering dark tetrads heap on their victims with this one. My dad who was nothing to no one save himself would torture me with all the ways God expected me to do and be everything and how I was failing. I made myself sick trying please him. I still suffer from the actual injury it caused. But you can't no matter how  hard you try. And you shouldn't because playing performing circus monkey isn't good for them or you. It just perpetuates entitlement and arrogance. You be you. And if that's not good enough, move on. 

You don't have to rush to do good, especially when you don't know what good is or if it harms you. The Bible tells us to be quick about doing good and reaching out. And of course this is a a great practice. Except when it's not. And that is when you are being TOLD to do something good instead of shown. When only you have to do it. Or when this "good doing" doesn't feel good at all. When doing good for someone else is causing you terrible pain. Because...

You don't have to do the right thing because someone says it's right. Dark tetrads are very good at knowing what is the "right thing" for other people to do. And piss poor about doing it. For two reasons: they don't know themselves. They just make it up as they go. And they really don't want you or anyone to do good because then that will show up their evilness for what it is. You do good right that feels right, not what a narcissist with selfish aims tells you is right. Take it from a girl who got into seven levels of hell following the dictates of wrong people. 

You don't have and should not give till it hurts. Scriptures like this so damned twisted by dark, evil people against vulnerable people, like children. When in fact the people Jesus said this to were the dark hypocritical, exploitative, deceitful "white washed sepulchers"  themselves who selfishly hoarded and denied help to those really in need. In my case, those people where my  parents and stepparents. They made me give and give and I did because I am a giving person. And all they did was take, destroy, find fault, demand more. And all I got was hurt and shoved in  it.  There was not even basic care in childhood let alone any kind of reciprocity. I was so  hurt that I developed a sort of emotional leprosy or nerve damage in which I couldn't feel how much they were hurting me until it was too late. 

No pain no gain. This unmitigated horseshit isn't even in the Bible but dark tetrads spout it like it's gospel. God gives us pain for a reason and it isn't for our gain. It's to protect us. And to warn us that something (or someone) is dangerous and hurting us! When we burn our finger on the stove, it hurts and we pull it away. Sadly children of dark tetrads have had their hands held in the fire so much that we are nothing but scar tissue. We were told it was selfish and disobedience to God to pull our hands away. And we've gained nothing except suffering while the dark tetrads got the treats retrieved by our poor little burned cat's paws.  

You don't have to do for other people what they can do for themselves. It's funny how my dark tetrad parents are always pratting about having a personal relationship with God. And then they expect everyone else (mostly me) to carry the can for them. They blame-shift, feign helplessness and use people like tools and props. They are always on about what God expects others to do for them. Which is just gaslighting hogwash.  Nowhere in the Bible or in common sense does it say we have to do for others what they can and should do for themselves. We aren't supposed to. That is enabling. 

You should not do anything because someone says you should. Yes I know the scripture about walking two miles if someone tells you to walk one with them. But again, that is weaponized by dark tetrads against kids. They make the kid think God is telling her to do whatever others tell her. But He's not. God is telling THEM to care for their child, to model safe, healthy and kind behavior. They are expressly forbidden to tell without show. That is being the proverbial millstone. They don't teach by example. They don't even help the child do all they expect. The example they set is to exploit, backstab, neglect, abuse and destroy. Every single time I've heard someone quote that scripture at someone, it's to guilt them into doing something unsafe.  

The thing these scriptures have in common is that they are more honoured in the breach than the observance. Or more accurately, they are preached AT people rather than demonstrated. They are misquoted to shame, coerce, confuse, gaslight or browbeat someone into doing something for them. Which is my biggest contention with preaching of scripture. And God's too. I think the preaching of scripture is often the way it is perverted and misused. It's words without deeds. St. Francis says to preach always and occasionally use words. 

My would-be preacher mother once attended church with us (never again she was such a bombastic, irreverent showoff it was humiliating). The homily reflected confronting people in their sin. Mother was all about that and was waxing eloquent about how we should boldly tell people off. I said I didn't think that was the point. Either of the homily or the scripture it was based on. But that we are to live our lives in such a way that we show good. We are to get the board out of ours, and only then deal with someone else's splinter. And she said (this could have come directly from the narc handbook) But if I have to always be looking at what I'm doing first, when DO we get to tell people what to do?" And thereby showed her real agenda. 

And it proves my point on which I'll go toe to toe with anyone. What God  means by the things He says aren't always the way we want to interpret it, especially if we are purposely misleading others for  arrogant, entitled, selfish, manipulative or cruel reasons. If beating people over the head with their sins, and failing to confess our own sin, is our aim, then we are not doing God's will. Even just beating them over the head is bad enough. He's clear about that. 

Some final thoughts for "Christian" dark tetrads. And this is from Jesus. I'm just passing them along. You need to quit preaching and start living these commands. They are written to you. In fact, shut your mouth and open your ears and heart. Humble yourself. Preach to yourself. Remember, a tree is known by its fruit and if all you're growing is selfishness and harm, beware. If  you're sowing seeds of anger, resentment, frustration, bitterness, know that you will reap what you sow. 

How divorced, remarried Christian narcissists gaslight their OG kid and disobey God

Hi friends. I've written about this before but it needs repeating louder for those in the back. What got me started down this path to heal CPTSD from dark tetrad parents was some posts on Reddit. Kids were asking on AITA about expectations their divorced parents were putting on them regarding stepparent and their new families. God has made himself very clear about dark tetrad (selfish, arrogant, entitled manipulative) parents who divorce and remarry.  Because there are so many ways they lie, cheat, distort, twist and gaslight kids about what the Bible has to say about divorce, remarriage and stepparents. They do this to God and to their kids. But God will not be mocked, so beware dark tetrads. 

I've been looking up on Google to see what supposedly Christian people are saying about divorce, parents and stepparents. And wow, there's a lot of nonsense. So much is said about how kids are called to respect their parents and how that includes stepparents. How a kid should be obedient to everyone including anyone who their parents call parent--or just live-in boyfriend or girlfriend de jour. Maybe I'm just jaded by all I went through at the hands of my parents and their live-ins and spouses, but I can't be the only one who sees the problems here. 

For one thing, I also can't be the only one whose step-parents were abusive, neglectful, exploitative and nasty. People who are allowed and encouraged by the parents to abuse them?? I know I'm not. Why then would anyone put even more pressure on a kid to obey these awful people? And pardon me, but the Bible does not sanction this because the Bible (Jesus, God) doesn't sanction DIVORCE in the first place!! 

Oh you'll hear about how that was then and this is now. How God is actually approving of divorce and remarriage. That's just lying gaslighting hogwash made up by people looking to defend their choices as being godly. You'll read from these people how God doesn't address step-parents because, well they can't give a good reason. But I can. He doesn't address them because He doesn't go for divorce or remarriage! End of. It's not part of his plan. And yet these self-centered people would have you believe it's fine and dandy with Him. 

My conservative, evangelical, rightwing nut, Bible beater parents were all over this. For themselves. For others it was sinful. They tried to gaslight away adultery, abandonment of me, fornication, living in sin (as it was called then), divorce, remarriage. It's okay, we weren't meant for each other, God understands and forgives. yada yada. We can hook up with new people and start all over fresh. Which included excluding me except to do the heavy lifting. 

Which of course he does forgive people divorcing who are sorry. And He helps them. And there are marriages that aren't safe or which are adulterous. And some second marriages can be healthy IF all the children are loved. But He can't forgive or heal those who make excuses for themselves because they aren't sorry or repentant. They just want vindication. And they prove that by the way they glibly dump it on their child caught up in the divorce and offer her no help. 

They shame her for crying and tell her she's lucky, it could be worse?? So she feels guilty for feeling sad. And confused by their baffling gaslighting. And then they foist new people on her, calling them her parents They bullshit her that God expects her to obey, serve, kowtow to these people who they are letting hurt and abuse her. Directly contradicting a number of God's laws. 

But the Bible doesn't stutter. God categorically does not approve divorce. He doesn't give exemptions except for infidelity. He does allow remarriage after adultery but if you have children, they come first. They are your first responsibility. The Bible warns that failing children is failing your faith. So obviously, this new person must care for your children and help raise them. All I ever heard was what was expected of me. But then, dark tetrads are much more interested in what they're "owed" than in what they owe. 

And the new spouse is certainly not supposed to hurt the children. And the parent is not to let them. They're aren't to sexually harass, abandon, endanger, threaten, evict, intimidate, mock, overburden, exploit, enslave, steal from, cheat, neglect or scapegoat her. Scripture says, whatever you do to the least of his brethren you do to God. So if you injure her, you injure God.  

If you marry again, while your first spouse lives, you're disobeying God. (John the Baptist). And please, let's not call it remarriage like it's the first or only one. You don't get do-overs. And you may have your fancy new family but what about your first child?  You blew her world apart. She can never fully be part of either family. She is homeless, her home being broken up. And let's please not talk like you were the injured party or the only injured one here. You have a new partner. New kids. New family. She has no one.  She's the divorced child, the abandoned, neglected, left-out, cheated-on one. 

Yes, I'm writing from personal experience. Yes this is how it was for me.  If you have managed divorce and second marriage healthier for the kids, I'm happy for you. But it still doesn't change any of these facts. The child is the biggest loser in all of this. Whatever you've been through, you're the adult. She is the child with no say in any of it. So less of the self-pity and more help for her, if you please. 

And for God's sake, don't you dare demand that she just accept all this that you shoved on her without so much as a word of comfort or help. You cannot just make it up as you go along. You may have gotten married, had kids, etc. She doesn't have a new anyone, let alone you. Don't you dare expect her to just jump right in to your little fantasy and play along. But you damned well better expect your new spouse to include, parent and respect her. It begins with the adults. 

If you bring more kids into it, good luck to you. God doesn't go for that either. And that's if you're good and kind to all the children. You're still skating on thin ice. And that's not so common. What is common is favoritism of the second marriage kids and neglect of the first. And that is, under no circumstances part of God's plan. You don't get to delete your first child just because she doesn't fit in your little cloud kuckoosheim. Your new family isn't your real or only family where the OG kid is an interloper. If anyone is the interloper it's the new people. Just saying. 

And then there's this bullshit gaslighting game they play where they set up all these expectations God supposedly has for the child of their first marriage. They drum honor your parents into her head. But they don't honor theirs. And they don't earn respect And they aren't respectful and the new people aren't the parents. 

Dark tetrads also forget the part about not angering your children nor being a millstone around her neck. Like by forcing new people on her as masters whom she must serve. By not helping her adjust. By just demanding more and more.  They also define "respect" and "honor" unBiblically. They twist honor, respect and obey into bow and scrape, be subservient, worship, allow me to hurt you, turn a blind eye to my sinful ways, obey my new spouse like he's God. 

The "Stepparent Scam" is one of the biggest in history.  How could they even be your parents? You only have two. They may act parent-like and the child may in time come to respect and love them like family. But that's not good enough for the dark tetrads. You have to hit the ground running obeying them like taskmasters. And mother and father don't even expect these new people to treat the child reasonably let alone kindly. The kid becomes the cat's paw, scapegoat, fail-safe, stop-gap, body block in their sham of a marriage. Every bad or stupid or nasty or ugly thing they do back to bite me. It was like I was the child, the adult, the parent and the partner for them all. 

Is it any wonder that I'm a mess?

Shocking ways dark tetrad parents make everything transactional but don't keep their end of the bargain

Hi friends. Me again with more realizations of abuse, neglect and trauma from earlier years. It's amazing how I never saw them before (or made excuses for the perpetrators). Just yesterday, it occurred to me how everything with my dark tetrad parents (all four) was transactional and how they never kept their end of the bargain. 

So let me begin by explaining transactional relationships (if this is an unfamiliar term). This simply means that one hand washes the other. Or that you get what you put into it. It's considered a bad thing for interpersonal relationships as it implies a business-like approach. Between parents and children, this is so. But I don't see it as a bad thing in adult relationships, even personal and romantic.

There has to be mutual giving. All relationships need a transactional element. There must be give as well as take of good. Years ago,  my husband had a friend who always borrowed money. But he neither paid it back nor did he lend. He was always on the receiving, never giving end, of treats. Not surprisingly, he wore out his welcome. I don't think anyone would fault his friends for expecting reciprocity. Because without it, there is no friendship, only exploitation. 

And that is what I have lived with all my life from my family of origin. Expectation and demands on me, without me ever getting good in return.  Which is bad enough in a friendship but in a parent-child relationship it is abuse. Parent-child relationships are not supposed to be transactional. The parent doesn't give to the child because the child has earned it. They give good because they are parents and responsible for their child. The child owes her parents nothing because she did not ask to be born. She will most likely give back naturally if she is loved and cared for. But it's not quid pro quo. And their giving comes first and always, not after she's done "her part." 

My parents (all four) did it just the opposite. They did not take care of me, even in the most rudimentary forms. A few needs were occasionally met, but most went ignored. I always say I grew up by accident, not through any systematic good parenting. BUT they also heaped endless expectations and demands on me. As if they were the children and I, the parent. Scratch that. Not parent. Fairy godmother, slave, drudge. It was an equal and opposite equation: the less they did for me the more I was expected to do for them. I was held to transactions I never agreed to, nor benefitted from. I continually paid for a car I could never drive away. I paid into an account I could never withdraw from. And I never realized till almost 61 how they did this. It was by giving words double meaning. And lots of double standards. 

My parents and their spouses got years of free babysitting out of me because family and "it's your duty, obligation, responsibility" etc. I even co-slept with their babies like a parent so they didn't have to be bothered to. Because they had "jobs." It never  occurred to me that I had three jobs, not counting the childcare: school, homework and hours of housework. Oh plus scapegoat and fixer whenever one was disgruntled with the other. And sex therapist (thanks, mom). 

I was forced to clean their houses (I was not allowed to think of any as mine). I dusted their furniture, made their beds, mopped their floors, ironed and folded their clothing, prepared and cleaned up after, their meals. 

My money was taken to fund their new families and I got nothing out of it, because "family does for family." But I wasn't family. I did for their family. My college saving bonds from grama were cashed in so my mom's unemployed boyfriend could have a motorcycle. Thank God my other grandparents didn't put her name on the savings account set up for me or she'd have drained that too. Things came up missing when they were around. I caught her in my wallet once. I wondered how many other times I didn't catch her. All this, according to them, was just payments on the enormous debt I supposedly owed them. They got really pissed if I asked about it. 

BUT when I had my own family, it was a different story. Now it was pay as you go when I needed any help. Between all four parents, whom I'd babysat for non-gratis for decades, they couldn't even manage to care for our kids one lousy morning a week while I worked. And never at night for my night classes. If I had one of their kids babysit I had to pay dearly. 

Dark tetrads are so good at flipping the narrative to suit their purpose. And then flipping it back again. Whenever I am expected to do for them, we're family again. So it's mates rates (free) when I give to them and a business transaction when they give to me. I used to chauffeur mother everywhere free and the one time I got a ride from  the airport from them, I was charged $40. 

Once she actually managed to double-deal in one transaction. She bought a car for her other daughter that daughter did not want (too big, not sexy enough). It was a lemon but mom didn't mention that. We were looking to sell our large car. She conned us into buying the lemon because "family helps family" but overcharged us like a common crook. And then offered to buy our car, but expected a special family rate. 

It would have been bad enough if we'd traded cars because ours was worth about 10x what hers was. But she lied again, to both my husband and then to me, and said the other said she could have our car for $100 and that we'd buy the lemon for the full price she paid for it, $900. And she lied and said she'd transferred the title when she'd jumped it and we got stung for that extra fee too. Never do business with family. 

It a gift when you give to them and a loan when they give to you. And they tell you loans are gifts so they can blindside you with unexpected, extortionist rates of repayment. Everything they do for or give you has hidden strings attached. And you're supposed to empty your wallet for them. 

And don't even get me started on gift-giving fiascos in entitled family. They give you a used mop head and you give them a new vacuum (really). You give her a new phone for her birthday and she sends you a text, three days later. I was literally told that I was expected at all my dad's sons' birthdays and not to come empty-handed. As you do. And yet I can recall no birthday celebrations for me. It was my husband who pointed that out. That kind of double standard was so common I just got used to it. 

Why dark tetrad parents hurt and abuse their kids? It's not what you think

Hi friends. I just listened to an excellent explanation of why narcissistic dark tetrads abuse people and it's not why you think. And we don't hear enough of this. What we often hear is that abusers hurt because they were hurt and are in pain--basically a lot of excuses. As if you could excuse parents hurting a child. Or any adult hurting someone. Truth is, it's not due to past trauma or feeling out of control. Abusers abuse for one simple reason. BECAUSE THEY CAN. On purpose. They're not out of control as they'd like us to think. They are very much in charge and know exactly what they are doing. Sound like things I've been saying recently? 

It really galls me if I'm honest to hear counselors (Christians are the worst) explaining that my abusive dark tetrad parents hurt me because they are/were wounded. That they were abused, too, etc. I have two words for that and they're not very nice but accurate. Bull. Shit. First, you don't know my parents, I do. I lived under their dark regimen of abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, exploitation, scapegoating, invalidation, shaming, blame-shifting, enmeshment, backstabbing, mockery and cruelty. And gaslighting about it all. Then they got divorced and encouraged their new people hurt and abuse me, too. 

And I also lived with their parents and siblings. By their own admission, my parents dealt with none of what they put me through. If anything, they were spoiled. Which would explain how they got so entitled. And don't give me this, oh things probably happened which you know nothing of. Well, you don't either. So please, don't talk like you do. Don't make excuses for them. They did enough of that already. I've heard what they considered "abuse" because they spared me no detail. They would minimize all they did to me and let their people do, by telling me some story about how grama and grampa were "too critical" (meaning they told my dad he should quit playing itinerant street preacher and care for his family). Or how grama got mad at my mom once and hit her. Mom, you routinely slapped me across the face and told me I deserved it. So not really getting your point. 

That's all you got? You're so wounded that you wound me?  I think not. You just want a scapegoat. A target. You put all your crap on me, punished me for breathing, made me do all your work, made me wait on your wife and kids and exploded on me routinely because gram and gramp told you to get a job? Or yelled at you? Do me a favor. The ones who are too hard on their kid is you all. I can never do anything right according to you. You pick at me mercilessly. And then cry on my shoulder? It really is all about you isn't it?

They know I have an empathetic heart, so they tell me sob stories and I feel sorry for them. Which they knew I would. And boom problem solved as far as they're concerned. Nothing more should be said about the crazy chaos they put on me. Attention firmly on them as the victims who couldn't possibly be expected to be adults. And I go back to dealing with it all alone. I take all their shit plus the shit they put me through, on myself. 

But wait, there's more. This isn't just "signs of immaturity" or whatever we're calling it now. They didn't accidentally exploit, neglect and hurt me because they didn't know any better. That is actually impossible. Those are things you choose to do because you know exactly what your endgame is. 

They also didn't hurt because they were hurt. I was hurt and I don't hurt my children. (Or tried very hard not to and was very sorry if I did). I don't excuse my behavior with sob stories. What I experienced was strategic, systematic abuse and neglect. The only consistent thing in my life were the stress, chaos and abuse. They had to go out of their way to do these things.  It would have been easier to just be loving. 

My mother threw a pie in my face at her work party. Then got pissy at me for being too sensitive and not being able to take a joke. While she and her jackass husband cackled their fool heads off at me. Then she claimed she did it because she was "shy and nervous around people." (da fuk?!?!) Shy people don't purposely draw attention to themselves at all, let alone by humiliating someone else.  Machiavellian, entitled, narcissistic, malicious malignant attention seekers do. She never apologized till a few years ago and then it was just fire insurance because she getting old. 

And another pity party with mother as the main character victim. When she brought it up (28 years later) I fell right into the trap I always do. I made excuse for her, saying it was okay because I probably made her nervous because I reminded her of grama who was "too critical of her." And she seized on it agreeing that she was just "bringing me down a peg or two." Hmmmm-kay. Tell me you don't have a nasty dark tetrad agenda.  

Because make no mistake. This is not a trauma response. It is not defensive. Dark tetrads are offensively on the offense. They are viciously jealous and spiteful. They want to make people feel like shit. And they make a point of rearguard attacks, passive-aggressive insults, humiliating and shame. They're not being triggered by bad memories and dysregulating. That's what their victims do (raising hand here). What they are feeling is seething rage that someone else is getting attention or (heaven help us) outshining them. Which is easy to do because dark tetrads don't shine. They smolder. They have no light. They punish those who do. 

And it's not an out of control lashing out. It's a timed, coordinated mic drop. They planned this all along. They were waiting for the perfect opportunity. My mother was exultant after the pie throwing. And her idiot of a husband laughing just supercharged her ego. She literally crowed in triumph. Unfortunately for her, no one else was laughing or cheering. That's why she got pissy because she didn't get the accolades from the crowd she expected. As if they would? Normal people don't get off on buffoonery. 

This is just one minor example of the humiliations I have endured at the hands of dark tetrad parents. I have been made to feel sickening, crippling shame that made me want to exit this life. I always felt so responsible and made excuses up the wazoo for them. And it made me so much more vulnerable to their attacks. So you'll pardon me if I now lack sympathy for their supposed "past trauma." I see it for what it is. Manipulation, exploitation and abuse. 

Ways dark tetrad parents enmesh with, pirate and feed off their kids

Hello friends. Warning, this is post is going to go to some super creepy places. (Like any of your others don't,  you're thinking? Right?) Well this one is the deluxe with nuts and whipped topping. Today we're exploring ways dark tetrad parents enmesh with their scapegoat kids, then pirate their beings and feed off from them, like parasites. Frankly, it might even sound paranoid or made up. All I can say is, I wish. No child should ever have to live with such abuse and exploitation. 

In the last post, I described dark tetrads from a seven deadly sins perspective. And how they'll break any and all rules, stomp on everyone and twist everything to fit their purpose. But they never do achieve that purpose because they're never satisfied. Today we're exploring how a dark tetrad's children are raw meat to their lust for control and power. They exploit them to feed this endless gaping maw. 

So let's begin with the exploitation piece of the dark tetrad. Unlike grandiose narcissism, the dark tetrad is a malignant narcissist (spiteful, entitled, arrogant, malicious), plus psychopathic (remorseless and combative) plus sadistic (gleefully cruel, needlessly hurtful) and finally Machiavellian or manipulative and exploitative. That's one damn deluxe sundae for sure. And as parents, they are hellish nightmares to live with. Because children are vulnerable and can't take care of themselves. They are dependent on these exploitative people. Frankly, we'd have been better off being raised by vipers. 

Because I don't just mean they exploit in the sense of making full use of, although that is part of it. I'm not talking about going to a buffet and eating as much as you want because you've paid for it. No, the dark tetrad eats all she wants plus her child's portion. She takes from her child's plate and makes the child watch her eat while going hungry and then makes the child pay for it. She's happiER when she's stealing from someone else. But she's never really happy. 

Because (and I kind of alluded to this yesterday) the dark tetrad's unbridled arrogance leads to unbridled greed. Her exalted status entitles her to unlimited privileges, as far as the eye can see. And she can see a lot. She wants it all. Not her portion, oh no. She wants it ALL. Mine, mine, mine and also mine. What's mine is mine and what's yours is also mine. She wants her cake and to eat it too. Also your cake. And his. And the neighbor's cat's cake. 

She makes a glutton of herself trying to eat it all before anyone else can. And still she won't stop. She's too far gone down the rabbit hole. She doesn't just want what others have, she wants them. She wants to be them, plus herself. Because her self is so big and greedy that it takes multiple people (or should I say drones) to support this mammoth queen bee. She gobbles up all the attention, energy, light, resources, one way or another. Often times doing very weird, cringy things that humiliate her family. 

You can't go for a simple walk with her. She requires an entourage, a bloody motorcade. You must be ever vigilant to meet her every whim. You must hold her hand and worry over her because "I'll just walk out into traffic" she says. No pressure there. You can't walk too far because she tires and then whines you "let her walk too far." Or she gets a tummyache from eating onions then blames you when told her clearly which dishes had onions. You even labeled the damn things. 

She "wanders off" (hides) so people have to get all up in arms looking for her. She lies and tells people she "hasn't eaten" so they'll feel sorry for her. As if it's her child's fault she didn't have breakfast? The child whom she consistently neglected to care for all the child's life. She wears nightgowns in public to garner sympathy. She piteously feigns disability. She can't hear, walk or even think without help. Yet she gets around just fine, bosses nearest and dearest, pouts and calls the shots when outsiders aren't watching. 

Children of dark tetrads must never question. Oh, she gets mad if you do. We're ever the fall girls. She sucks up our light and pretends it's hers. We can't have success around her because she'll get jealous and sabotage it. She will make fools of us and sit back and laugh. (She's actually making a fool of herself of course, but we're so blindsided by her shocking treatment of us that we get stuck in it). She enmeshes herself in us so we have no self or identity beyond her. 

We're nothing more than broken cigarette machines, giving out freely whatever she demands, whenever she pushes our buttons.  If she needs us to shine, we shine but only as reflections of her. Not too brightly or with our own light. Mustn't outshine mummy. More often she needs us to be her cat's paw. She does stupid, ridiculous, impulsive, immoral, unethical, hurtful things and we take responsibility and consequences.  She gets the sweetie and we get burned. We pay for her damages. 

And we let her because it's all we know. And, somehow, we have this convoluted idea that if we let her get away with all this shit, she'll love us. And that mommy needs us. We exist to fill her needs. After all, we're her child. But that's  only a one-way street. She is never our mother. She does not give, even a modicum of what normal moms give their kids. We get nothing from her. And we give all. 

Because while the dark tetrad has a plus-sized greed, she has a malnourished conscience. For all she steals, expects, cheats us out of, she gives us that much less. She literally subtracts from us to add to herself. You cannot steal someone else's being without diminishing them. And of course, that was her plan all along. Usurp. Take over. Detract from. Children of dark tetrads live like we're only skeletal shells of people. We've had the meat stripped from our bones. We've been deprived and denied selves. We've poured from empty cups for so long there's nothing but cobwebs. 

We're broken, battered and barmy. And still she takes. Even when there's nothing left to steal. Old Mother Hubbard still goes to the damn cupboard. She doesn't care what we have to endure to get her what she wants. And as I said even when she gets it she's not satisfied. She has to extract a little bit more suffering from us by way of self-pity, shame or punishment. She breaks, destroys or "loses" things we give her. And then stands there with her hand out for more. Which she will also break or lose. She sells us her junk car, charging many  times its value. And then cries "but family" when expecting to be given freely our better car. 

She takes our bed, pillow, money, labor, toys, clothing, food, home and gives it to her preferred people. She leaves us skint. And then just wastes it and comes back demanding more. The only thing that can start to save this sorry state of affairs is if the cupboard slams its doors on Old Mother Hubbard's greedy paws whilst in the cookie jar. The only thing she understands is a loud, stentorian, repeated NOOO followed by hurt fingers. Even then she keeps trying. You have to do a lot of slamming to make your point. 

Because as she sees it, she's not stealing, she's taking what she's owed. For some kind mythical "care" she says she provided the child but neglected to tell the child there would be a charge for. And which she never did provide. As you do. And really, the child is just a possession and/or extension of her anyway, no different than a vehicle or a shadow. So she's entitled to it all. Entitlement in all its ugly connotations, being the operative word. 

And you might be wondering, have you finished yet? Alas, no. I wish. I could go on and on ad nauseum with examples of identity theft, manipulation, exploitation and pirating. These are just a few.