Narcissist parents gaslight the child that self-defense is contradicting disobedience

 Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal CPTSD from narcissist parent abuse, I'm exploring how malignant narcissists gaslight their scapegoat child that self-defense or standing up for herself is contradicting, disobedience, "mouthing off", excuse-making or even attacking the parent. The parent does this to throw the already unbalanced power differential. They also do it because they put their own deceptive, shady spin on things. They treat the child as if she were acting as they would act in situations. I'll explain. 

We'll work backwards through this, beginning with that last part. Malignant narcissists come at life with a twisty, scheme-y, one-jump-ahead-of-the-law mentality. They are always trying to evade consequences of their irrational, irresponsible and reprehensible actions. They get away with as much as possible and lie their way out of it. They look for loopholes, plea bargaining, alibis and wiggling out of punishment, instead of honestly admitting what happened and defending themselves reasonably. 

I could list you scam after scam my mother and then she and her boyfriend/husband have perpetrated over the decades. From cheating on my dad to having affairs with married men after the divorce, to stealing from me, to conning me and my husband out of our car, to running a contraband foster care home, to Ponzi and Pyramid schemes, to multiple bankruptcies and fake lawsuits, to illegally kicking me out of the house, to staging accidents for insurance, you name it. And that doesn't begin to touch all the sketchy, abusive, neglectful, illegal crap they did to me over the years. 

My dad was the same song, with different verses. He stalked a 17 y/o girl at 36 and called it dating. Everyone else called it creepy. He jumped jobs and houses at the rate of about one a month, to avoid legal entanglements, etc. He frequently walked out on me for months at a time, conning me that he was "going on a mission trip." He and my stepmom exploited tribal housing subsidies and wrote fake prescriptions for opioids. 

If cornered, their M.O. is DARVO, deceive and deflect blame. I have never heard any of them take genuine responsibility for a thing. It's all lies, excuse, evasions and blame-shifting. HOWEVER, when I was young, they were all militantly on me for the least infraction, mostly invented, all of them normal kid things. I was harshly punished by being hit, slapped across the face, grounded for months, deprived of my room, having money extorted (yes I had to pay for my transgressions), made to do even more ridiculous household tasks. 

If I ever defended myself, rationally, by telling my side of the story, it was twisted into "lying" "just covering yourself" and disobedience to their supreme authority. I was instantly guilty just because someone said I was. I recall one time, I was a teacher and my younger brother was in my class. I had to reprimand him and he went home and told his parents that I was unfair. They came unglued on me without hearing my side. I was 20 and they tried to punish me like I was 12. Bear in mind I was doing all the work around the house to pay for my "room and board" and had been since I was 12. 

When I spoke up and told my side, my dad got upset because he knew they were wrong. Then he rounded on my brother but too little too late. Brother and stepmother never ever apologized. They would never have taken his part against any of the other teachers who were my stepmother's friends. The principal actually called them on the carpet for unloading on me. They yelled at me for "making a family matter" public. Despite them dragging their issues into my professional arena. They said I was lucky because they "got me this job." Har-de-har. They were getting free tuition thanks to me working at the school! 

This is one of the few if any other times I stood up for myself. You can probably see why. Everything I said was twisted into excuse-making. I was tried and hung before the story was even told. Like they were looking for an excuse to. This kind of bullying ambush attack happened time and again from all four of them. One time when I was holding me new baby daughter. I was a grown adult and they were still using the "disobedient" line with me. That's how far up their own arrogant, deluded asses they were. Talk about your fall girl. And even though my malignant narcissist parents had an excuse for  every bad thing they did.  

My mom would routinely hit me across the face. She said for "sassing" or "lipping off." I thought I knew what I'd said to cause it. But looking back, I can't remember anything I said. I just recall her hand up and wham! And she never actually defined what I said or how it was wrong. I know I was a very biddable, people pleasing child, especially of my narcissist parents. She has alternate endings too. Sometimes she says she never hit me. Then for her party trick, she'll tell how she only stopped hitting me because I "hit her back." *Does memory check* Nope, never happened. Pretty sure I'd have remembered hitting me mom. I may have put my hand up to shield my face, but then why did I have to shield my face if you weren't hitting me? 

If I questioned them on their attacks of me, I was "contradicting" them. If I did anything but knuckle under, I was called disobedient. Soooo, it's disobedient for me to take care of myself? To defend myself? As opposed to letting people take advantage of me, to ride herd over me? Putting up and shutting up about unfairness cruelty would be obedience? And why would a loving parent do and say things that are "contradictory" to the child's welfare? Of course I have to contradict you to get any justice for myself. Because you sure as hell don't have my best interests at heart. 

But I didn't know any of this. I just thought I must be some kind messed up. There was no winning and so I gave up trying. But I didn't stop playing their sicks games. Problem is, I was playing by fair, equitable rules and they were playing by their own made up, flip-flopping double standards. I fell for their gaslighting every time they said I was "just making excuses." I didn't want to dodge responsibility. I just wanted to understand what it was that I did wrong. You know, like, so I could learn from mistakes?? 

But no, that was never their intent. There were no mistakes to learn from, other than normal kid things. But funnily enough, they didn't care two hoots about any normal kid shit I dealt with unless they could leverage it to their advantage. Which is weird too. Why would a parent who already has the power differential, need leverage over their child. Ohhh, wait a minute, got it. Malignant narcissist parents do not want their child to know that she has ANY power or control. This way they keep them in cowering fear. That's why the gaslighting about self-care or self-defense being disobedient. 

Malignant narcissist parents (dark tetrads) have to brainwash their child with garbage about how independence is some kind of brand disloyalty. How sentient thought is wicked contradictory disrespect for parent authority. Because they have earned neither respect nor loyalty. So they have to extort it by devious methods. And the indoctrinating of a vulnerable sweet, loving child is the perfect way.

Do you know, I'm 61 and half years old and I just figured that out today? 

Narcissist parents gaslight and disorient kids with "gotcha" questions

Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal CPTSD from narcissist parent abuse, I'm examining how  narcissist parents gaslight and disorient kids with "gotcha" questions.  These intentionally loaded, manipulative tactics aren't questions as much as devious character attacks designed to trap people into lose-lose situations. They aren't fact-finding but accusatory. The point is to corner, humiliate, undermine and flip the power differential around so that the gotcha victim is left floundering. And if "gotcha" questions are difficult for adults they're a hellish nightmare for children. 

My narcissist parents used gotcha questions and entrapments masterfully with me. Curiously, however they also "got" themselves because many of the things they supposedly trapped me in were situations they orchestrated or were culpable in. For example, my mother would tell me to go play in the park, three blocks away, alone, at age 5. She'd say "just don't go in the bathroom because there's a man who touches little girls in there." 

When I came home (after using the bathroom because it was too far to walk and I was too young to understand), she said "you disobeyed me and went in the bathroom, didn't you?" I was so ashamed and thought my terrible sin was somehow written all over my face. What I didn't realize is that this was her set up so I would be so embarrassed I wouldn't tell anyone that my mother put me in danger by sending me to the park in the first place. 

Narcissist parents use gotcha questions to keep the child focused on her own "bad behavior" and not her parents' much worse actions. Malignant narcissist parents (dark tetrads) also do it to "implicate" the child in things they did themselves. The gotcha questions are phrased in such a way that there is no right way to answer. No matter what the child says, she will be wrong. It will look like she is just lying to protect herself. 

Narcissist parents will accuse her of defending herself and not taking responsibility. That's one part of their gaslighting. Defending yourself by explaining what happened or telling your side of things, is a form of taking responsibility. You are taking ownership of  what you did or didn't do. But the parents twist it by saying the child explaining herself is "just making excuses." That defending herself is disobediently defying parental authority. 

This presents all kinds of dangers for the child to fall into. First, it teaches her that obeying authority is the be all end all. No matter how toxic, irrelevant or false that authority. It teaches her that taking care of other people trumps taking care of herself. It teaches her that obedience to parents is all that matters, whether they are healthy loving parents who are safe to obey. Or if they are dementor control freaks whose aim is to destroy the child with self-indulgent, inappropriate and exploitative demands. 

Malignant narcissist parents don't ask leading or gotcha questions to help their children or teach them healthy ways. They do it to coerce, entrap, ensnare, trip up and cause them to fall. Malignant narcissist parents are stumbling blocks to their children. Because they like to humiliate and because they are trying to camouflage their own bad behavior by keeping the spotlight on the child.  

Parents by virtue of holding the parent title already have the power differential. They make decisions for, control resources of and dictate their child's life. A healthy parent recognizes that with this power comes responsibility. Malignant narcissist parents (dark tetrads) are irresponsible power hungry control freaks. They do all they can to further increase the power differential so that they hold all the cards. They do this to strip the child of the legitimate autonomy she does possess so they can possess her body and soul. 

How I lost 100 pounds and kept it off by ignoring weight loss critics

 Hey my friends. Today I'm looking at weight loss from a musical comedy perspective. I'm going to show how I lost 100 pounds by listening to Funny Girl. You know the part where she sings "Don't rain on my parade?' Mah torch song! Just listen to these wise words. 

Don't tell me not to fly

I've simply got to

If someone takes a spill

It's me and not you

Who told you you're allowed

To rain on my parade?

Essentially, what's it to you? Why do you care so much about whether I can or can't do it? You never cared that much before? In fact were perfectly willing to watch me fall, not lend a hand, cause me to fall and stand back and laugh? You should be thanking me for risking my neck! And you're not the one who will take a spill. 

And what does that have to do with how I lost 100 pounds? More than you might think. It's surprising, or at least it was to me, how many naysayers there are about weight loss. How you do it: intermittent fasting, calorie restricting, portion control, keto diet. Everyone's a critic. And the FDA, CDC, AHA, WHO and Wikipedia all rolled into one. One thing you can be sure of, is that if you declare this or that method, calorie restricting for example, 9 of 10 people will tell you you are wrong. 

But back to the song, why do they care? If they're the narcissist type to enjoy watching you fall, well they should be glad. Apparently they'll soon have the opportunity to gloat. The ones that crack me up are those who tell you you won't when you already did. Part of how I lost 100 pounds was to just sorta fly my freak flag and do my thang. To quote the rest of the song: 

I'll march my band out

I'll beat my drum (gorgeous crescendo) 

And if I'm fanned out

Your turn at bat, sir

At least I didn't fake it

Hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it. 

I'm going to try. Maybe I'll fail, maybe I won't. But it seems a lot of weight loss detractors don't want you to try. They wanna rain on your parade before it's even begun. A doctor who was not an obesity medicine specialist told me "you'll never lose weight on your own. You need gastric bypass surgery." Well, challenge accepted. Thrown gauntlets are part of how I lost 100 pounds. Never tell a Netherlander no! Red flag to a bull. 

So why all the finger-pointing around weight loss? Because on some level weight loss critics have a vested interest in seeing you fail. Critics come in six forms. And you should be careful of all of them. 

Sour grapes. These are those who tried and failed at weight loss. Now they work to undermine anyone else's success. If I can't have I will ruin it for you. These are the people who say you can't lose weight calorie restricting because they couldn't. You have to be careful because some will go to great lengths to sabotage weight loss. Part of how I lost 100 pounds was by ignoring them. 

Devil's advocates. These are the people who argue against this or that diet just for the sake of argument. They really don't care how of if you lose weight. They just want to throw their weight around. Beware because they are not above disseminating untruths or lying. Usually they're just rumor-mongering. 

Fake concerned. These are the "I'm just saying what others are thinking" people who are "worried" because you've lost so much weight. Or that you'll ruin your health with intermittent fasting or calorie counting. You won't if you're careful which you will be.  No one is thinking anything that they know of. They just want to imply a quorum. Usually because they resent your weight loss but don't want to be seen as petty. 

Self-Righteous Know-it-alls. These are the ones who said after I shared how I lost 100 pounds with calorie restricting, that it can't be done. Well, I just did. Or they'll say "you do know that's been debunked, right?" What, my weight loss or intermittent fasting? It wasn't. They are just exaggerating some tidbit to make themselves sound informed. You have permission to smirk, lol. 

Green-eyed monsters. These are a combo of all. They are jealous of your weight loss. They probably resent any good thing that happens to anyone but them. (cough, narcissists). They will say rude, dismissive or awkward things. "You don't look like you've lost that much." "Wow, you really brag don't you?"  They always turn it back to themselves. "That guy can't keep his eyes off me." These are the folks who try to outshine the bride at her wedding and end up looking silly. 

Profiteers: the worst kind. These weight loss critics profit from obesity, selling weight loss drugs or surgery, like that doctor. They don't make money if you lose weight without medical help. Avoid them as you would Covid. They do not have your best interests at heart. 

So part of how I lost 100 pounds was not only with calorie restricting and intermittent fasting but by  just letting the weight loss critics rant on and doing me. 

Photos of my are before and after I lost weight, in 2014 and currently. So this post is about how I lost 100 pounds and kept it off. 

How I lost 100 pounds by taking responsibility for me, not my narcissist parents

 Dear friends. I had an AHA moment recently which I realize is part of how I lost 100 pounds. For the past few years, I've been connecting childhood trauma from narcissist parent abuse to weight gain, weight loss and unhealthy self-image. Today I'm going to explore how I lost 100 pounds and am healing CPTSD from narcissist parent abuse, by taking responsibility for me, not my narcissist parents. 

My epiphany came in the form of awareness of what my goal in healing CPTSD actually is. I am not trying to make my narcissist parents responsible for themselves. It's about me not taking responsibility for them anymore. Now that might seem like a no-brainer to anyone who was not a child of irresponsible, entitled, arrogant narcissists.  Obviously, parents take care of themselves and their children, not the other way around. Unless they need care when elderly and then it's still the child's choice, not an obligation. 

But that's not what narcissist parents teach us. They groom us to think we are beholden to them from the time we are born. We come into this world to care for them, as if they were the children and we the parents (parentification) in whatever ways they demand. But we're also the children.  We owe them support, soothing, feeding, cleaning up after AND loyalty, service, respect, obedience. They owe us nothing. 

In this way they play both ends for the middle. They are the parent or child in the parent-child relationship when that suits them. We are always the parent AND the child with all the demands of both. If Freud thought the normal Id-Ego-Superego personality model was difficult to juggle, he should have tried juggling all three at once. It's exhausting. And it sets the Transactional Analysis PAC model on it's ear. The Parent-Adult-Child child must guess which role her Id-Superego shifting people called parents want now. 

I recall at four, being very excited about a necklace birthday present my dad and I had gotten for my mom. I don't know which house we were it. I lived in 39 places before age 20. (That's another of their irresponsible treatments of me, not providing a consistent home). But I can remember placing it in the center of the chenille bedspread in a pretty package. I was very excited for her to open it. My center-of-the-universe mother said sarcastically "where are all my presents?" 

I thought she was really angry. She sure as hell acted like she wasy. And I started crying because I thought I'd failed her in some way. She laughed smugly in the "gotcha" way. She actually seemed to enjoy making me feel small. I guess she thought she was funny. My dad got angry with her and then she pouted and flounced off then apologized in a facetious backhanded way, saying "I was JUST kidding." I will say that if anyone  had ever joked like that with her, she would incandesce. 

I wasn't old enough to understand what just happened. I didn't have words for her behavior. I just know I felt awful. Dad just told me to calm down and wash my face like nothing had happened. So again, all my responsibility. Be the adult Marilisa. Let's not confront Nancy's shitty behavior. Let's not call out the fact that she gets off on scoring off other people. Even her little daughter. Who was supposed to just humor mother.  I was placating them before I even knew what it was. And was never soothed myself. I was parenting them when I didn't even know what it was like to be appropriately parented. 

This is one tiny example. But I've shared more in past posts. Parenting all four of my narcissist parents (oh yes, they married others as if two weren't enough) is just how I'm wired. As is not expecting any normal parenting from them.  But, BUT I also was the child whom they infantilized. Not in the overprotective way. They treated me like I was the immature, petulant and childish one. So I guess I believed it even though the childish behavior I mostly only saw in them. 

Not holding down jobs or supporting the family, moving every couple of months for some ridiculous scheme. Not providing, depriving, selling my toys and things to pay the bills. Not paying bills. Squatting and living off charity of other families. Mooching, freeloading, borrowing money and not repaying. Guilting other people into paying their way. Dragging me around God knows where for God knows why. That was them. 

AND THEN treating my like I was the freeloader because I needed a place to live. It went from them not providing for me when they were married and then dating to me suddenly being some kind of interloper when they found new people. Even when my mom moved her jobless boyfriend into our house. It was now HIS HOUSE. He called the shots, from the couch. And my dad's new wife who was only 14 years older than me, was suddenly mistress of all and had to be obeyed. She dictated if 10-y/o me would be allowed to live with them or not. Like she had a damn choice!! They were all so entitled and just made it up, gaslighting as they went. 

I can just hear my dad cajoling her, saying "think how much help Mary will be to you." Humph, help. Live in servant, nanny, cook, housekeeper, laundress, more like. I heard all the time about "earning my keep." Like I was the adult squatting in my parents' home. And if anyone says to me, that's just how it was then, I have a big BS for ya. It was nothing like that for any of my other family, agemates, classmates, friends, kids from church. And to this day, I've never met anyone who experienced this. Lucky me. 

And they never did any of this with their new children. They had all kinds of things, necessities, that I never was given. My mother is overfocused on any ache or pain my sister has (Munchausen's by Proxy) while completely uncaring of mine or my family's. Many times she's dismissed my dangerous health issues when I was an adult and a child: congenital hips, chronic strep throat, early onset arthritis, PMDD, Strep B virus, loss of stillborn babies, pre-vax Covid, shoulder surgery, 

All this Frankenstein-ing with role reversal doesn't translate well into real adulthood. We carry so much gaslighting, chaos, stress, mixed messages, confusion of responsibility and trauma with us. I recall sharing once at Al-anon how my mom needed so much from me and I felt so guilty. My mom had no real physical disabilities. My sponsor said point blank my mom was too young too need so much care. That it sounded like factitious disorder or Munchausen's. But I couldn't shake the feeling of obligation and guilt. 

They said I owed them money, time, care, to live in my basement rent-free. To be given my car. They actually stole one car and money. They do not honor agreements or bargains. They play the "we're family" card when they want something and demand paybacks like it was a business transaction when they do for me. They lie and say gifts were loans. I could go on and on. 

So yes, part of how I lost 100 pounds was to stop carrying their deadbeat selves. And I've never felt lighter. But you know the irritating thing? If I tell anyone I've gone no contact with them, or that I don't particularly care if they need or not, suddenly, folks are so concerned that I've failed my duty as a child to my parents. Suddenly, those who cared not on iota when I was on the neglect end start quoting scripture about how I have to take care of my parents when they are old. 

I've been taking care of them all my life!! Sure now they're old but they've played that card all their lives! They don't get to come back now, after double dipping and bleeding me dry, demanding their parental rights. They gave those up when they neglected, abused, exploited and parentified me and let other people do it to me. It has always been the Jack and Nancy, Bill and Ginny show. Two went to their graves with no remorse or admission of guilt, just shaming for me. 

All I ever heard about was them and their kids, never me. Every good or bad thing that happened to me or that I have done has been spun to be about them. It's like I never existed or was just a source of supply. And somehow I believed that and that's why my sense of self is so skewed. I really don't have one. And now I'm tapped out, burned out, like no amount of childcare could ever cause. Children grow and develop legs. Malignant narcissists just hang off you like Voldemort slowly sucking everything from you. They get whinier, more petulant, grabby, needy and entitled. I think that's why I have so much chronic pain from the stress of carrying them all and being so taken advantage of. 

 I'll be honest. I really don't care anymore. I don't care what they are suffering. I don't want to see them hurt but I don't want to listen anymore. So much of it has been self-inflicted or invented for pity. I'm sick playing along with their DARVO schemes. I don't know what's real and what's faked to get things. I've heard all my life my mother's various factitious disorder ailments. And I'm just bored by them now.

They've opened foster care homes to get rich quick and I was the one made to do all the work. My mother planned to take custody of a disabled girl for her SSI and a free house. It fell through. Because she's only always ever thought of  herself.  She moved me in to get the child support which they did not use for me. She kicked me out because their home was unfit and blamed me. They've made consistently bad choices for selfish ends. They've blown through every relationship by their scamming. They've had to move to keep ahead of the law. They have effed around and now they are finding out. Why would I continue to throw good money after bad? 

I don't think any of them miss me at all. They just miss what I provided. And that sucks. It's going to take me awhile to process how it feels to be so unloved and used. I wish I could just bury it in a box and walk away. I'm not holding onto these hurts. They won't let me go. Believe me, I would if I could. So prepare for more posts like this as I cleanse the memories. 

It's not about them and what they need or want anymore. If they are in need they should have thought of that and didn't. They should have appreciated me and didn't. I don't need to "rise above" or "be the bigger person." I am just by surviving their abuse. I don't want to hear "their side of things." They've had their say for too long. I've no interest in their justifications or reasons or apologies. If they were sorry, they'd have said so decades ago. Nothing can justify treating a child like this. 

What does this have to do with how I lost 100 pounds? Everything. Weight loss, like any other life change is about taking charge of your life. It's about ignoring the Hakken-Kraks gaslighting and plunging in, despite your fears or shamers. 

If that is disobeying God, I'll burn that bridge when I come to it. (to quote my wise husband). 

Toxic positivity and irrelevant unsolicited advice from blind guides derail healing

 Hello my friends. Today in my healing journey from narcissist parent abuse, I'm looking at how toxic positivity (or toxisplaining as Dr. Ramani calls it, great word!) and irrelevant advice derail healing. I was listening to Youtube psychologist Dr. Ramani talk about how damaging empathy for the narcissist can be to their victims' recovery. I was struck by how quick we are to listen to the "advice" (usually cloaked shaming) of irrelevant blind guides who have no understanding of , concern for nor connection to our experiences. 

I talking here about people who, when told some awful thing your narcissist mother or father did, will say "she meant well." "She did the best she could." (and you know this because...?) "He's a victim too." (so what?) "It's not that bad." (says you) Aren't you exaggerating a little?" (or downplaying) What did you do to bring it on yourself?" (SMH) "At least you had a mother and father." (where were they?)  "You should be grateful not complaining." "It's your mom I feel sorry for." (so does she) It's like they didn't hear a word you said. They just go right into shaming patronize mode.  WHEN THEY DO NOT EVEN KNOW YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER let alone were there when all the harm was happening! 

Let me illustrate with a story about one of my students. Andy was a very young 9, to start with being preoccupied with Pooh Bear, definitely on the spectrum but undiagnosed. Andy was very off-task and rarely able to contribute to classroom conversations.  Andy's dad used to take him to city hall meetings which Andy had no understanding of. Yet, in the middle of their conversation, Andy butted in with some irrelevant observation. When asked to sit down, Andy's dad said "I think we should listen to what this boy has to say." When the board members requested he be quiet, Andy and his father became angry and had to be asked to leave. 

Now Andy didn't mean any harm. But he also had nothing to add. He and his parents just lived on their own planet. He had no understanding or concern about the discussions. Andy was used butting in and not being challenged. He got very angry if he was. I had a dickens of a time teaching Andy appropriate social skills, most of which were undermined by the parents. Anyway. His "contribution" to the board meeting was about as helpful as those people who weigh in with unsolicited advice on your trauma. Except that Andy didn't know any better and these people do. 

Like Andy, they feel entitled (operative word) to weigh in. Unlike Andy, they weigh in on high stakes issues like our suffering with glib suggestions, axiomatic cliches, non-contextual Bible verses quoting and pointless comparisons and we feel obligated to take it to  heart. And that is what this post attempts to address. Not why they give idiotic, useless, detrimental unsolicited advice. They do because they do. And you know them by this habit. I would cut my tongue out before I gave unsolicited advice, especially toxic, demeaning, finger-pointing kind. I  know how it feels. And I don't know what they are going thru so I won't pretend I do. I will sit with them and hold space. 

What I want to address is why we give their toxic positivity or toxic splaining the time of day? Why do we even waste time listening to what is basically more abusive nonsense, let alone validating  it as some kind oracle? Why do we take them seriously and prioritize their irrational ramblings over our own common sense? Why do we let random people with no qualifications, dictate our experiences, "oughttas" and obligations for us?

Because those of us who have been narcissistically abused, especially us children of narcissist parents have been GROOMED and INDOCTRINATED to ignore our own valuable, reasonable, educated good judgement in favor of worthless, irrelevant, illogical, ignorant AGENDA-BASED opinions. We have been taught to cede control to the immature, childish Andy's in our life, and let them wreak havoc. We've learned to give them their way or suffer the consequences.  We've learned  to ignore our own wisdom, common sense, self care, etc. 

We are used to giving everyone airspace over ourselves, no matter what a waste of space their opinions are. Or how they contradict, dismiss, invalidate or minimize our experiences. Or how Code Red is our need for authentic support. We are literally choking to death and these people will throw us a trite, useless platitude instead of a life ring. And still we feel obliged to do what they say. We let the kittens man our spaceship. 

I do this all the time and it really grinds me when I realize I've just done it again. I will acknowledge frustration or admit concern or whatever. And someone will scold or patronize me. And I will automatically surrender to their superior wisdom. I will apologize for complaining, retract my statements, yada yada. I'm not sorry. I still feel that my assessment was right. But suddenly I'm ashamed of thinking or feeling that way. Just because someone scolded me. Doesn't matter who. I do it habitually, without thinking. Where self-care and confidence are kneejerk to most people, cowering in shame is my default response. 

Because I am accustomed to yielding anything, anywhere, anytime to anyone who wants it . And that is a dangerous, sorry state of affairs. I have been kicked and sucker punched and exploited and molested and stomped on TOO MANY TIMES TO COUNT all because I have been taught not to stand up for myself. Not just untaught but punished for self-care, self-protection, self-preservation. Freezing and fawning are ingrained defense mechanisms.

But now I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm starting to let my good sense not nonsense call the shots. First, I think it's interesting Dr. Ramani's term "toxic splaining" a morph of mansplaining. The root is explaining. Let's look at what's wrong with some random person "explaining" our lives and experiences to us." What monstrous arrogance! As if they can just take a quick peek and sum up all the abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, triangulation, scapegoating, parentification, invalidation, toxic shaming and gaslighting I endured from my narcissist parents with on pithy aphorism. 

And who are they to explain anything to us, let alone our most vulnerable pain and suffering? No one can or should be explaining us to ourselves. My dad pulled that shit all the time, acting like he was some kind of omniscient all-seeing eye into my soul. He "read my mind" and "knew me better than I knew myself." Well he should because he groomed me. He always had an offense for my defense, a retort or insult for me. He could "see inside me to my evil intentions I had no idea of." He was ordained by God to "ferret out" my sin and chastise me for my own good. Yet he never once comforted me. Ever.

Fuck. That. Noise. Jack. No more living rent-free in my head with all your God-playing pretenses. There is a God, I'm pretty sure. Though the one I've only known bears a strong resemblance to my narcissist parents. Well, your time is coming. Scripture tells us in 1 Timothy 5:8: "But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel". Any father who deprives, exploits, neglects and harms his child for his own selfish ends better beware. Just saying. 

As for these blind guides, we traumatized kids need to do a lot more vetting of anyone who would explain us to ourselves. 

In the picture, those clothes I'm wearing are rag bag specials while my dad and his wife lavished on themselves. He bought me one pair of shoes in my life. Everything else I had to pay for myself. And the house I lived in was theirs and I was only allowed to stay if I "did my share" which was actually pretty much all the housework, laundry, childcare etc. 

How I lost 100 pounds by realizing that narcissist parents shame weight gain and weight loss

 

Hello my friends. So as you know, a lot of my posts, if not all, are raw and sometimes triggering. I don't mince words. I've done too much defending others, candy-coating their actions and gaslighting and invalidating myself, for too long. It ends now. Today I'm going to share a snapshot of how I have felt about myself and the cruel things I have done and said and believed about myself, prompted by abuse, neglect and exploitation of narcissist parents. 

Then I'm going to share how I lost 100 pounds by realizing that malignant narcissists (dark tetrads) shame you for weight gain or weight loss. It will always ever be about you being humiliated, put down, harshly and unfairly criticized, faulted, blamed, attacked by the nasty people. Not because you deserve any of it (does anyone ever deserve to be attacked?). They do it because they get narcissistic supply (or in layman's terms "their kicks") out of seeing you suffer. Some people (good people) get ahead on their own merit. Malignant, vulnerable, passive-aggressive narcissists get ahead by stepping on others. 

So part of how I lost 100 pounds was to stop being the human punching bag, the scapegoat, the fall girl  and to pull a "dressmaker." If you've seen the movie with Judy Davis and Kate Winslet, you'll get the reference. If you haven't you should. It has a lot to teach not only about stepping out of the path of bullies but also about shutting off their gaslighting and not letting them tell you who or what you are. 

Which is another part of how I lost 100 pounds and how I gained it in the first place. I had to go against all the naysayers and just do it. I had to push past the pain and the gaslighting and the shaming and the derogatory bilgewater. I had to get to a place where it couldn't trip me up and bury me. And it was uncomfortable as hell because one of my biggest detractors has always been me. Helped by four abusive narcissistic parents filling my head with all kinds of spiteful, malicious, hypocritical, weaponized lies and distortions about myself about being too selfish, too lazy, too proud (As if!) too sensitive, too critical, a show-off, attention-seeking. I couldn't win for losing. 

I was so utterly confused. There never was any right answer. Door numbers 1, 2 and 3 all  had the booby prizes. Wrong would shift and change and right was always in parent-defined flux. I felt like I was in a hall of mirrors or an endless tunnel. How could one kid be so terrible? And being a conscientious and also a very loving child, it was torture to me to know that I was always failing them 

I don't even know or care if they really did feel that way. I'm sure they just say I was "over-reacting, again." Well they surely never gave me any sign of getting it right. Or if there would be a few bread crumbs of  hope, it didn't take me long to screw things up. If just one person had told me it wasn't me it was them, I could have saved myself decades of self-harm. But no one ever addressed any of the very inappropriate, irresponsible, dangerous, exploitative, unsafe things that were happening to me. So I just believed them that I brought it on myself. 

And of course, now I think of it, they would never offer me the life ring. They had concocted a story about how I was the problem. I remember to her grave, my dad's wife blaming me for the strained relationship. And her poor relationships with her other children?! The people I raised and cared for as a child myself!! All the work I did for her, never once acknowledged or thanked. Just made to feel that it was never good enough. She ate, smoked and drugged herself to death, fed and waited on by my dad when I was no longer around. How he bitched about that but if I brought up anything about how she treated me, why then he got all sanctimonious and said how it was "covered by the blood." Funny, I guess his own rage against her wasn't. I guess forgiveness is something to tell your daughter to do, not to actually do yourself. She and my dad hated each other. He said he was glad to be rid of her when she died. But, I was the problem. 

And here's where it's gonna get raw. I have believed that all of my life. I've felt in my bones that people would be better off without me. I have always felt disgusted by myself, how I look, how I act. I feel stupid and clumsy and in the way. I just recalled recently with so much pain and embarrassment how foolish I have acted. I have disfigured myself, trying to purge or expiate this evil I feel lives in me. I'm never afraid of it for myself, just how it could harm my loved ones. I've done everything I've read or been told to cast it out. 

Now I see that what I felt as shame should have been rage at the people who were supposed to love, protect and uplift me dragging down the path toward hell with these unbearable feelings. Did they realize when they were saying and doing these things what affect it would have on me? Maybe I've exaggerated it or they didn't mean it like that. Well, I don't give a fat furry black rat's arse one way or the other. Because they sure as hell did and said them. And not one of those four self-centered prima donnas stopped to see if I was okay. Not one every apologized or retracted or showed remorse for any of it. 

So I'm done with cutting people slack who never have and never will cut me slack. I'm tired of pouring into a cracked cup. I'm tired of trusting leopard to changes their spots. I'm tired of my life revolving around exhausting, demanding, selfish black holes. I'm sick of falling for gaslighting lies. I'm tired of giving too much away, of cutting off vital resources of giving till it hurts only for them to come back demanding more. The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expect different results.  

So I guess, how I lost 100 pounds and am beginning to free myself, is by not giving a damn anymore. The best forgiveness gets for me, is that I wish none of them evil. Although none of them has helped me through the evil the did to me. Just saying. 

Is this off topic? Not really, it's just hard to distill such enormous situations which have been happening over six decades, into one pithy title. How I lost 100 pounds was down to realizing that they shame weight loss or weight gain and everything else equally. They are only satisfied when they are on a narcissistic high, either from a feeling of superiority or by making someone else feel inferior. Damned if you do or don't. Your successes and failure are all fair game for a narcissist to twist to her own twisted purposes. 

The picture is me in the middle with my dad and his new wife and child. I was suffering so much depression, physical pain, anxiety, shame and exhaustion. More than the normal adolescent issues because I had recently been sexually assaulted. They never knew nor cared to know. All they cared about was that I do my duties and jumped when they said to. Duties which included endless back-breaking scrubbing and mopping on hands and knees, dishes, lugging laundry up three flights, dusting, childcare, ironing, carrying, vacuuming with a terribly heavy old vacuum. 

I thought I was fat and overweight then. I just realized it that I look thin. No money was spent on clothing, proper bedding, glasses, dental care, care for my back problems. This is how neglect and abuse warp your self-image. I did love the little boy in the picture though. Oh how I did. Sacrificing for the children in my life has never been a problem. That's part of how I lost 100 pounds and am working to get out of the emotional enslavement to my parents. I'm doing it for my family. My real family of children, husband and grandchildren. I want to give them a better version of me than I had. 

How narcissist parent abuse causes weight gain and extreme weight loss

 Hello my friends. Today on my journey to heal CPTSD, I'm looking at how narcissist parent abuse causes weight gain and also extreme weight loss in children and adult children. I experienced abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, manipulation, chronic invalidation, parentification, infantilization, scapegoating and gaslighting about it all throughout  my life, by four narcissist parents. My weight gain and weight loss has mirrored those this roller coaster ride. Part of how I lost 100 pounds was by rejecting my narcissist parents' invalidation. And I gained weight due to their narcissistic abuse.  Here's how narcissist parent abuse causes weight gain and weight loss. 

Chaos, chronic stress and cortisol spikes. This trifecta is devastating to a child's health. My narcissist parents put me through an endless roller coaster of chaotic, frightening, destabilizing experiences. They pushed me at dangerous people, including themselves. I've described my life as a crazy quilt where each little piece was completely different from the next. 

This caused me constant chronic stress, anxiety, fear, trauma nightmares (which have never gone away). I was nervous all the time. Which caused continual cortisol and adrenaline spike from the fight or flight panic responses. Actually, I never fought or flew because I couldn't. They would have punished me even more. So freeze and fawn were my trauma responses of choice. I spent a lot of time cramped in contorted positions, trying to hide and stay small. I used to hold my breath till it hurt, like a sailor on a submarine, to avoid detection and punishment. I still have trauma-induced shortness of breath because of that. 

All this chaotic stress causes corrosive cortisol and adrenaline bursts that scar nerves and brain. It causes the flinch or jump response that soldiers with shell shock exhibit. Just yesterday, I jumped a foot when the gas pump suddenly shut and made a noise. Balloons popping, thunder, drums, terrified me. I can still feel the nausea rising in my throat. And these toxic spikes caused the liver to slow insulin production and store fat to protect the child. 

Which of course, leads to what society calls "juvenile obesity." I was put on a 1,000 calorie diet at age 8. This would be tantamount to child abuse now. Not only did he not account for baby fat, which I would and did lose in puberty, his starvation diet crippled my protective resources. I was tired and sick a lot. And no one ever explored the weaponized trauma my narcissist parents were subjecting me to and how that might have been related. It would have been nice if just one person and connected the dots. 

But that leads me to another issue about how society shames weight gain We treat fat people and kids like, lazy, selfish idiots not people in need of support. When I was young it was perfectly fine for bullying kids to taunt us about our weight. I was called Whale-O and Blimp. And thin kids didn't escape either, being called zipper and scarecrow. It's obscene how adult didn't interfere, including my parents. My mother just preened herself on her sexy body, compared to my chubby self. They join in jeering the child for weight gain they created. I still nightmare about this. 

And as if that wasn't bad enough, narcissist parent abuse can also cause extreme weight loss and not the good kind. This isn't monitored healthy weight loss, with mindful calorie restricting as was part of how I lost 100 pounds. This is starvation diet like the 1,000 calorie diet my mom put me on. (Actually I think she calorie restricted me even more, letting me only have 800 calories a day). 

The parent doesn't teach safe, healthy eating. She took me to Dunkin Donuts, KFC and Burger King. It was our dinner. So causing weight gain with improper food but then humiliating the child for gaining weight AND then putting her on a starvation diet. All while not attending to my actual  health care needs. I'd had recurrent sore throats for so long I couldn't' remember when it didn't hurt. I had strep throat several times a year (this in itself a sign of parent endangerment). I took penicillin daily for months along with penicillin injections. But my mother paid no attention, till finally my grandparents insisted she get me better care. And my dad is culpable too. He was always off doing his own thing, never bothering about me while lavishing the best on his new wife and family. 

When the doc finally removed my tonsils, they exploded. I was so sick and didn't eat for at least 2-3 weeks. I lost 12 pounds in that time, almost a pound a day. My mom never noticed I wasn't eating. I didn't hide it. She just didn't bother to check. One day, my friend was visiting and I began to cry because my throat was so sore. The friend told my mom and she got mad at me, forced me to eat applesauce which is like vitriol on open tonsillectomy wounds. I wouldn't and she yelled and prayed over me. I never did eat it. A few weeks later my dad took me to a carnival with his wife and I ate a hotdog. But not because anyone cared that I ate. I never told me dad that this was the first food I'd had in 3 weeks. He just shrugged. 

I always thought of myself as fat and overweight, despite being actually quite thin. I put on a bit living with my mom and her abusive husband. They had a farm and didn't practice good hygiene or food safety. Their little daughter got herpes and once pooped out an enormous worm. I almost passed out. My mother took the kids to an elderly animal hoarder for childcare. So she didn't have to pay so  much. The home stunk and the  children got infested with fleas. I had to use diapers for sanitary pads or buy my own. 

I walked a mile and a half to school in frigid 1980s winters. I had to be there by 7 for my job and my hair would freeze. My stepfather put old tires and fuel oil in the woodstove because he was too lazy to cut wood. Which was supposed to be his home business and which they robbed my child support and college saving to fund. I slept on an unheated porch and then they kicked me out of the house. Probably because someone reported their awful living conditions but didn't follow up. So the solution was to get rid of me. 

During that time, I suffered with  wisdom teeth pain. Finally, my mom took me to a dentist who pulled the teeth, severing a nerve that has never healed and did not follow up. He put me on Darvon which didn't ease the pain. I was living with an elderly lady and not allowed  home to  heal. My face swelled up so much I looked like I had mumps. I suspect I developed dry socket the pain was so intense and lasted so long, but no one ever checked. I was still working and maintaining good grades. 

But because no one every took care of me, I never learned self-care. I didn't have proper protective clothing for winter. I didn't get enough to eat, only the bits my mom sent. I stole food I was so hungry. I didn't know what to pack for a sleepover. I looked very different from other kids. I've had so many dreams in which people who are taken care of and have what they need, get angry with me because I don't. We are in group situations and I'm trying to keep up but can't because I lack resources, skills and know-how. It's baffling and exhausting. 

Fast forward to college and I lost so much weight I got sick. I put myself through school with some grants and scholarships. I lived on summer earnings with no help from family. I put $900 in the bank in September and lived on that till May. It had to stretch to personal care, food, clothing, gas money, you name it. I didn't eat much and dropped down to 109 pounds. My mom said I looked like a skeleton. She didn't offer any help. I still thought I looked fat. It took me till a few months ago to realize that I had anorexia. Not from starving myself on purpose but from shitty self-care and shitty parents who didn't care. 

Even through having babies I was normal to underweight. My narcissist parents continued their campaign of  shame. I was so depressed that I lost two stillborn babies. Which kicked depression into suicidal low. My  milk came in but with no nursing babies, I gained weight. I started drinking when my youngest was about 10. To try and quell the pain of my narcissist parent's abuse. I was self-harming. Their shaming escalated. Along the thefts, rage, exploitation, gaslighting and humiliation. I was trying so hard to homeschool (did a pretty good job) be a good wife, daughter, mother, everything. 

I just kept putting on weight till one day I decided not to. I saw myself so fat and hated it. And decided to do something. It wasn't the realization of how fat I was but how much I hated myself. That was part of how I lost 100 pounds by learning to like or at least tolerate myself for once. But you know what's telling? My narcissist parents leveraged not only weight gain but weight loss against me too. 

My mother was getting older and not the sexy things she'd once believed herself. And now with chubby little Marilisa or fat older Marilisa not there to compare herself to, she showed her true colors. Someone else's weight loss is a real narcissistic injury. She would passive-aggressively insult me or pout and throw a pity party for attention. She literally once poked my husband (who has always been slender) in the stomach and said "you're getting fat!" 

She loudly insulted a young woman for being "SO SKINNY" at her doctor's office. It looked like the poor girl already struggled with weight. I could have slapped my mother. She would brag up her golden child for being "so svelte and slender." Golden child is neither. She'd exaggerate any tiny thing golden girl did to scorn my achievements. I became a top 10 writer on Yahoo! And she dismissed it. Then demanded to know how she could cash in. She threw a pie in my face at her company work party, she said to "take me down a peg." I was just enjoying myself and visiting. But she had to be the center of attention, no matter what the cost. 

Realization of my narcissist parents cruel abuse would come later. But part of how I lost 100 pounds was to begin the journey.