Hello my friends. In today's post on healing CPTSD from narcissistic parent abuse, I want to define a term I've begun using. And that is "blind guides." These are people who attempt to harmfully control childhood trauma survivors with toxic positivity and gaslighting. I've gone through several iterations of terms: flying monkeys, haters, naysayers and all of them either don't fit or sound kitschy or both. I chose blind guide because it provides a metaphor for the danger of following these people. They don't know where they are going but they talk like they do. They lead us into, instead of away from, further problems, if we follow them.
How do they do this? Through that toxic combination of ignorance and arrogance. Blind guides lack vision, into your life and even their own. They bring no insight yet they speak as though they do. They arrogantly proclaim to see clearly "how it is" and feel entitled "guide you" by dispensing unsolicited advice which they do not follow themselves. They talk a big talk which they never walk.
They are stumbling blocks for those of us trying to heal from narcissistic abuse, because they are in fact narcissistically abusing and gaslighting us themselves. That sounds harsh but consider this. Why would someone who knows nothing about something, speak as if they do? Answer: hubris, pride. Why would they feel they have the right to dictate to you what they know nothing about? Answer: entitlement. And when you inevitably fall, after following their toxic nonsense advice, they show no empathy or responsibility. So, hypocritical double standards + arrogance +holier-than-thou self-righteousness + remorseless = narcissist.
There are three types of blind guides, defined in this post. Simply put they are the situational/triggered blind guide who is trauma responding from his own shame, with toxic comments he doesn't understand are toxic. The naive/inadvertent blind guide is usually a young person who means well but isn't trauma informed or mature enough to be making the bold statements they make. The intentionally blind guide is the worst. These people go out of their way to say nasty toxic things cloaked as wise advice.
They hurt because they mean to. But they want you to think they are kind and caring. They aren't. In fact, if you confront them, they may do just like the narcissists and DARVO, making themselves the victim and you the oppressor. They "didn't mean it" and you "misunderstood them" you "twisted their words" and "maligned them" when they were "just trying to help." Even though they were very clear at the time they said whatever toxic thing they said.
They make all kinds of passive-aggressive shaming comments which they present as statements of fact but which are just nasty, underhanded insults. Since they can't dazzle with brilliance, they baffle you with bullshit. So you might be wondering why I'm being vague and unspecific. Why am I not listing things blind guides say, so you know what to watch out for?
I have listed some toxic things blind guides say in other posts, linked here. But a bigger reason is that I want you to know just how pervasive and insidious the intentional blind guide's toxicity is. Literally, it's in everything they say and how they say it. Their scorn drips from every word. You can see it in their haughtiness in their eyes. You just have to learn how to look for it.
Because part of how they trip you up is with their feigned innocent concern. Blind guides fake sweetness and light just as they fake knowing things they don't. They pretend to see clearly when they have blinded themselves. They operate in opinion versus fact. They disguise, obfuscate, shift, flip and distort reality.
Which I know is still vague and confusing. Because what blind guides say is intentionally vague and confusing. And it's by that, that they give themselves away. You can always identify the gaslighting nonsense by it's faintly off pong. It smells fishy because it is. It gives an impression of being useful while actually being detrimental. That's the backhanded sucker punch of gaslighting.
Normal, not traumatized people can usually see the gaslighting blind guides for what they are. Sometimes not because these hucksters are very good at hiding in plain sight. But those of us who have already been abused by liars and cheats, don't see it. We have been conditioned to ignore red flags and our own common sense. We've been groomed to believe lies. So when an intentional blind guide intentionally misleads us we just follow them down the road to perdition.
Part of the problems is that sadly blind guides are far more common than they should be. They lurk everywhere, among family, friend circles, workplace associates, churches, social groups, doctors, psychologists. In fact, the helping professions are prone to blind guide behavior. Too many people go into these fields with an agenda. They pose as carers and we traumatized people don't see their wolf under the sheepskin.
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