Hello my friends. In my childhood trauma recovery from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm writing a series on cheat codes to help us understand narcissistic abuse and how to break free from it. Why do we worry so much about arrogant people who care so little about us? Why do we feed them narcissistic supply at our own expense? Why do we cut ourselves short to meet their Black Hole of demands? Why are we so concerned with forgiving and maintaining relationships with abusers? Why don't we just go no contact with narcissistic parents or other relationships characterized by narcissism? Yesterday we looked at the potency of abuser gaslighting and today we're exploring how childhood trauma responses perpetuate cycles of abuse.
Parent Enmeshment Cheat Codes
Parent enmeshment creates a false, self-serving narcissistic fantasy in which parents claim ownership of the child as nothing more than a useful too to get what they want. Child autonomy and individuation are sabotaged. Differentiation is seen as narcissistic injury (not real threat, just ego insult). Needs are shamed. Self-care is selfish. The child's boundaries are destroyed. Privacy is violated by the narcissistic mother or father. With Machiavellian level role reversal, the child is parentified (made to take on the role of parent while the parent behaves like an immature, bossy child). She is expected to devote herself to service to the Black Hole Parent who is never satisfied. She is the Broken Vending Machine Child freely dispensing all the narcissistic parents expect, covering the cost, paying out of her own pocket, pretzeling herself to meet their needs while having her own needs shamed and ignored. There is no reciprocity; what goes around doesn't come around. And the child's cup is drained while the Black Hole Parent is never filled. 
Cheat codes to recognize enmeshment:
- Did you have a bedroom or were you made to share, even if there was enough room for you to have your space?
- Did you have to sleep with younger siblings and and babies and care for them at night (this is a major red flag for parentification)
- Did your parent respect your privacy or walk right into your room without knocking? Did she read texts or listen in on conversations?
- Did he feel entitled comment on things that were none of his business, especially private things?
- Did you feel safe or just monitored?
- Do you worry more about taking care of yourself or pleasing your parent, even in things they have no buy-in on?
- Did you feel like a person or just "so and so's child"?
- Did you ever feel uncomfortable about how "close" you and your parent were?
- Did he tell you inappropriate sexual things?
- Did she seem to act more like a sister or girlfriend than a mother?
- Did rules seem reasonable or unnaturally harsh? (corporal punishment even in the teen years, coercive control with bullying and intimidation)
- Do you feel responsible for everyone else?
Childhood Trauma Responses
As a result of narcissistic abuse, Adult Children of Narcissists developed odd trauma responses that kept us sort of safe as kids but which are dysfunctional and reactive in adulthood. We are hypervigilant and we overreact to benign stimuli. We are jumpy, nervous, anxious people pleasers. Our trauma reactions include freezing, fight or flight and my personal demon, fawning. It's humiliating how I knee-jerk grovel. I wear this conciliatory, self-deprecating perma-grin. I default to auto-shaming. I laugh anxiously at my narcissistic father's stupid jokes, just to soothe the ego injury he always felt and avoid his acid narcissistic rage. I would laugh along when my mother's sociopath boyfriend mockingly called me "Blisters." (a jibe at my small breasts). My malignant mother crowed at this and smiled benevolently at her husband publicly humiliating her 11 y/o old. She actually played DARVO when he attacked me and threatened to unalive me, blame-shifting responsibility for his unhinged verbal abuse, onto me. There was so much gaslighting that I developed betrayal blindness and never once talked back or held them accountable.
Defogging FOG
Narcissistic and enmeshed parents trigger the very trauma responses they bred in us with their gaslighting of FOG. FOG stands for fear, obligation and guilt which they conditioned us to feel toward them. But this FOG was a two-way mirror held up only to us They could see through but we couldn't. While setting us up to impossible tasks and inappropriate demands, they "went no contact" with us, neglecting responsibility to us and claiming they had no obligation. It was all lies.
FOG cheat code: Parents owe children care and love. Children owe parents nothing. We CAN be obedient and respectful. But respect is a two-way street earned and shown first by the adult. Any parent who reiterates a litany of debt he's places on his child, with a track record of neglect, is almost always an entitled, enmeshed narcissist.
Narcissistic gaslighting
My narcissistic mother abandoned me several times, once leaving me alone at 11 with her live-in, to care for her four special needs foster care children under five. Then she blamed me when her abusive boyfriend came unglued because I woke him up being unable to calm the baby. It was so bad that my friend's mom stepped in to help me. Then she was prosecuted on abuse charges. She has lied about this all her life, saying I was at fault. I almost unalived myself. Then when I confronted her a few years ago, she said she never left. That didn't happen. This has caused me untold cognitive dissonance and toxic shame. Yet she denied ever doing anything that there was actual legal proof she did. This is how malignant narcissists create false worlds with their gaslighting.
Cheat code for gaslighting: If someone shows you once that they are capable of abusing you, believe that they will again. Read the red flags they are waving. If someone with a history of abusive behavior, does something that feels wrong, believe that it is abuse. Do not take their word over the evidence of your own experience.
Trauma bonding
Understanding the childhood trauma bonding and the betrayal blindness that caused, is crucial. And the sooner we see past the fog and lies, the better. Once I observed my parents' trauma bonding patterns, I saw the light. I recognized the bread-crumbing ("letting me" move in with them) and love-bombing (getting me a cat, only to give it away), future-faking (making and breaking promises then lying about having made them), followed by the random Devalue and Discard behaviors. I saw how out of the blue I would be ambushed with accusations of disobedience and failure to please. My dad once beat me for no reason. I went into a kind of shock response. And then I would cower and beg to be told what I could do to make it right. And my stepmom would show this smug narcissistic smirk when I did. Then I saw that these were just strategic undermining power plays designed to destabilize and terrorize me into hopping through their ever-moving hoops.
Cheat codes to reveal trauma bonding games
- Does your parents' have angry outbursts? Did they deal with your behavior or attack you? (don't always trust yourself to determine if they were justified because narcissists excel at DARVO, making you the problem. And frequent outbursts at someone are never justified.)
- Do you know what they are angry about?
- Do you feel "stuck" to your parents and trapped?
- Do you auto-defer to them on all things?
- Are you afraid or nervous a lot of the time?
- Do you have PTSD like nightmares with chaos and guilt?
- Do you jump at little noises like a balloon popping?
- Do you have autoimmune diseases like psoriasis or arthritis? (autoimmune diseases are linked to childhood trauma and narcissistic abuse).
- Do you have gastrointestinal issues like ulcers?
- Do you struggle with fear of abandonment, fear or failure or Imposter Syndrome?
- Do you hate yourself?
They've helped me find the cheat codes I need to start my CPTSD recovery.
No comments:
Post a Comment