Hello my friends! Today in my childhood trauma recovery, I'm writing about a topic I've discussed many times, but which needs another look. And that is how society, law enforcement, family, religion, psychology often enables domestic violence and child abuse by defending the perpetrator, not the victim. And how it turns a blind eye to and makes excuses for narcissistic parent abuse. This systematic invalidation and cultural gaslighting helps form the origin story of childhood trauma and CPTSD. It's why a lot of us didn't see the monsters for what they were till decades later.
Shamefully bass-ackwards legal system
You'd think, the way the law deals with DV and child abuse that the victims were the perps and vice versa. Guy gets arrested for beating his wife, somehow finds the money to post bail (when they are broke) and the police let him out to go right back to the family he harmed, only now with a vengeance. Because these perpetrators are always arrogant, entitled dark tetrads who punish anyone who stands up to them. Seen it happen more times than I can count. I recall one acquaintance saying an officer had told her that he wasn't required to let her know when her abuser was released. Then the battered woman is left to protect herself, with no support. Same story with kids who are forced to spend time with abusive parents because their custody rights trump the child's right to stay away.
The DV hotline is unmanned.
I'm serious. A good friend who was in a DV situation (and I have far too many of these) tried calling only to be told that there was no one available. This happened repeatedly. Maybe there are times when you can call someone but the purpose of a 24/7 hotline is to be there all day, every day. Because abuse is no respecter of normal work hours. So the one place for help is for all intents and purposes, gone probably by funding cuts.
Damage people, misdemeanor, damage property, felony
It's no wonder so much violence goes on behind the home's closed doors. Because our society cares more about broken things than people. If these perps had beaten up a building or someone's car, the punishments would be much more severe. Kids who get caught entering abandoned buildings get stiffer sentences than spouse or child abusers. Or pedophiles! The list of CSA offenders is nauseating and they are walking around free. And getting hired over non-felons.
Felons get preferential hiring
It's true. Companies get federal and state tax credits for hiring felons regardless of charge. So a person without a felony has less chance of getting hired than one that does.
Work Opportunity Tax Credit (WOTC): The federal government provides a tax credit of up to $2,400 per qualified new hire to companies that hire "ex-felons" within a year of their conviction or release from prison.
Broad Eligibility: The tax credit applies broadly to individuals convicted of a felony. The IRS does not exclude individuals based on the specific nature of the felony (such as violent crimes or CSA offenses); any qualified ex-felon triggers the financial credit for the business.
2. The Federal Bonding Program
Free Liability Insurance: The U.S. Department of Labor offers the Federal Bonding Program, which gives employers six months of free fidelity bond insurance (usually up to $5,000 to $25,000) to protect against theft or loss when hiring "at-risk" job seekers, including individuals with criminal records.
Bizarre Blame-Shame Shift Game
Children who report abuse or neglect more often experience even more abuse by those who are supposed to protect them. And that includes clergy, police, family, counselors, teachers. I reported being molested by a teen boy in my mom's foster care home. And she blamed me, saying I was lying. When her husband attacked me she said it was my fault. When a 19 y/o was stalking 13 y/o me at church (actually there were several because I had a target on my back), youth group leaders blamed me. I've heard too many stories of this kind of thing happening, most often to girls.
No, you didn't ask for it
I know it's a tired trope, victim-shaming. It also happens to be true. Girls were so often told they were "asking for" sexual assault, rape and even CSA that we automatically thought we did. Apparently, how we dressed or acted caused boys and grown men to harass us. Caused! As if these men had no agency of their own. Dads, but especially mothers, never wanted to hear how their sons treated us. If we even told them which most didn't. Why bother when you just get more shame? As if we made them hurt us. We were called the sl-ts, whores, and worse when we were too young to even really understand sex. We were told to be modest and then when we did, their precious sons called us prudes and made it their mission to be the first. So gross. It doesn't matter what you wear or don't wear. Aggressive, arrogant A-holes will be a-holes.
Gaslighting is abuse too
Oh and on top of being told we were responsible for everyone's behavior, we were also gaslit that it didn't happen. Or we were overreacting to it or being too sensitive. Or that we were showing off for attention. Or that we just imagined they were after us because we were conceited. Because "no one would want you!" The gaslighting boggles the mind. These sainted sons would never do anything like that! They were good boys! And yet these saints had mouths and minds sailors could learn from. AND then they felt no qualms accusing innocent little girls of being dirty pigs. My MIL told my husband as a teen, that girls only want one thing. They're dirty minded. Girls!! Not women. Children. But then these same people flipped the script again. When boys treated us like prostitutes, we were told "boys will be boys." My own parents always took the other person's part over mine. They never believed or stood up for me. So infantilizing and pooh-poohing literally illegal adult behavior while adultifying girls.
Psychology doesn't get childhood trauma
And then they'd put all the burden on us kids because we were "the problem." Nobody got therapy back then unless you were very rich. And even if you're an adult kid in her 60s who can actually afford counseling now, you still get a lot of victim-shaming, minimizing and invalidating in what passes for therapy. That's why, after four tries, I quit.
Playground bullies aren't just kids
Back then, most of us had to make due with teachers, principals or school counselors. Whom nobody wanted to see because it meant you were in trouble and that you also had another target on your back. Then you'd get treated even worse for "telling on" the bullies. And you might not even be believed. Adults had a bad habit of not caring "who started it" and just punishing both parties. And bullies are often crybullies too. Adults ask stupid questions like "what did YOU do to cause it?" Which the crybully is more than happy to make up lies about. They tell you all kinds of nonsensical unhelpful things like "be the bigger person. Rise above. Ignore it." Which is a recipe to perpetuate abuse cycles. But context matters and this is just lazy shit adults do to make themselves feel better. And some of the teachers were predators themselves. I remember in 6th grade being creeped out by a very handsy teacher. Turns out he really was a pedophile. But who knew it wasn't just me? That's not stuff you tell anyone, at 11. Especially when your mom and dad had already shown they didn't care.
The church is the worst offender
Churches are so fraught for me because some of the worst things happened under the guise of religion. CSA, harassment, being witness to a minister's infidelity. Being stalked by various older men including a minister. And religious abuse began at home (which wasn't a home but just 40 places I was plunked down in) very young with my irresponsible, immoral arrogant parents preaching two very different double standards. I was expected to behave like fully onboarded adult at 5 while they always acted like spoiled immature toddlers. No wait, that's not fair to toddlers. My parents acted like gods, dictating terms and expecting ultimate sacrifice and subservience from me. And the church backed them up and enabled their entitlement, so it seemed. I heard preaching from the pulpit every week and none of it applied to the chaos and abuse I was living with. The Bible doesn't do a very good job reaching out to child who live with exploitation, abandonment, severe neglect and deprivation, multiple forms of abuse, gaslighting, dehumanization by narcissistic parents. Parents who made you serve their new partners and let them abuse you too. All I ever got was more shaming about honoring these dishonorable people.
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