I talking here about people who, when told some awful thing your narcissist mother or father did, will say "she meant well." "She did the best she could." (and you know this because...?) "He's a victim too." (so what?) "It's not that bad." (says you) Aren't you exaggerating a little?" (or downplaying) What did you do to bring it on yourself?" (SMH) "At least you had a mother and father." (where were they?) "You should be grateful not complaining." "It's your mom I feel sorry for." (so does she) It's like they didn't hear a word you said. They just go right into shaming patronize mode. WHEN THEY DO NOT EVEN KNOW YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER let alone were there when all the harm was happening!
Let me illustrate with a story about one of my students. Andy was a very young 9, to start with being preoccupied with Pooh Bear, definitely on the spectrum but undiagnosed. Andy was very off-task and rarely able to contribute to classroom conversations. Andy's dad used to take him to city hall meetings which Andy had no understanding of. Yet, in the middle of their conversation, Andy butted in with some irrelevant observation. When asked to sit down, Andy's dad said "I think we should listen to what this boy has to say." When the board members requested he be quiet, Andy and his father became angry and had to be asked to leave.
Now Andy didn't mean any harm. But he also had nothing to add. He and his parents just lived on their own planet. He had no understanding or concern about the discussions. Andy was used butting in and not being challenged. He got very angry if he was. I had a dickens of a time teaching Andy appropriate social skills, most of which were undermined by the parents. Anyway. His "contribution" to the board meeting was about as helpful as those people who weigh in with unsolicited advice on your trauma. Except that Andy didn't know any better and these people do.
Like Andy, they feel entitled (operative word) to weigh in. Unlike Andy, they weigh in on high stakes issues like our suffering with glib suggestions, axiomatic cliches, non-contextual Bible verses quoting and pointless comparisons and we feel obligated to take it to heart. And that is what this post attempts to address. Not why they give idiotic, useless, detrimental unsolicited advice. They do because they do. And you know them by this habit. I would cut my tongue out before I gave unsolicited advice, especially toxic, demeaning, finger-pointing kind. I know how it feels. And I don't know what they are going thru so I won't pretend I do. I will sit with them and hold space.
What I want to address is why we give their toxic positivity or toxic splaining the time of day? Why do we even waste time listening to what is basically more abusive nonsense, let alone validating it as some kind oracle? Why do we take them seriously and prioritize their irrational ramblings over our own common sense? Why do we let random people with no qualifications, dictate our experiences, "oughttas" and obligations for us?
Because those of us who have been narcissistically abused, especially us children of narcissist parents have been GROOMED and INDOCTRINATED to ignore our own valuable, reasonable, educated good judgement in favor of worthless, irrelevant, illogical, ignorant AGENDA-BASED opinions. We have been taught to cede control to the immature, childish Andy's in our life, and let them wreak havoc. We've learned to give them their way or suffer the consequences. We've learned to ignore our own wisdom, common sense, self care, etc.
We are used to giving everyone airspace over ourselves, no matter what a waste of space their opinions are. Or how they contradict, dismiss, invalidate or minimize our experiences. Or how Code Red is our need for authentic support. We are literally choking to death and these people will throw us a trite, useless platitude instead of a life ring. And still we feel obliged to do what they say. We let the kittens man our spaceship.
I do this all the time and it really grinds me when I realize I've just done it again. I will acknowledge frustration or admit concern or whatever. And someone will scold or patronize me. And I will automatically surrender to their superior wisdom. I will apologize for complaining, retract my statements, yada yada. I'm not sorry. I still feel that my assessment was right. But suddenly I'm ashamed of thinking or feeling that way. Just because someone scolded me. Doesn't matter who. I do it habitually, without thinking. Where self-care and confidence are kneejerk to most people, cowering in shame is my default response.
Because I am accustomed to yielding anything, anywhere, anytime to anyone who wants it . And that is a dangerous, sorry state of affairs. I have been kicked and sucker punched and exploited and molested and stomped on TOO MANY TIMES TO COUNT all because I have been taught not to stand up for myself. Not just untaught but punished for self-care, self-protection, self-preservation. Freezing and fawning are ingrained defense mechanisms.
But now I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm starting to let my good sense not nonsense call the shots. First, I think it's interesting Dr. Ramani's term "toxic splaining" a morph of mansplaining. The root is explaining. Let's look at what's wrong with some random person "explaining" our lives and experiences to us." What monstrous arrogance! As if they can just take a quick peek and sum up all the abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, triangulation, scapegoating, parentification, invalidation, toxic shaming and gaslighting I endured from my narcissist parents with on pithy aphorism.
And who are they to explain anything to us, let alone our most vulnerable pain and suffering? No one can or should be explaining us to ourselves. My dad pulled that shit all the time, acting like he was some kind of omniscient all-seeing eye into my soul. He "read my mind" and "knew me better than I knew myself." Well he should because he groomed me. He always had an offense for my defense, a retort or insult for me. He could "see inside me to my evil intentions I had no idea of." He was ordained by God to "ferret out" my sin and chastise me for my own good. Yet he never once comforted me. Ever.
Fuck. That. Noise. Jack. No more living rent-free in my head with all your God-playing pretenses. There is a God, I'm pretty sure. Though the one I've only known bears a strong resemblance to my narcissist parents. Well, your time is coming. Scripture tells us in 1 Timothy 5:8: "But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel". Any father who deprives, exploits, neglects and harms his child for his own selfish ends better beware. Just saying.
As for these blind guides, we traumatized kids need to do a lot more vetting of anyone who would explain us to ourselves.
In the picture, those clothes I'm wearing are rag bag specials while my dad and his wife lavished on themselves. He bought me one pair of shoes in my life. Everything else I had to pay for myself. And the house I lived in was theirs and I was only allowed to stay if I "did my share" which was actually pretty much all the housework, laundry, childcare etc.
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