How narcissist parents destroy their child with divorce, dating, live-ins and remarriage

Hi my friends. Today in my attempt to heal CPTSD from narcissist parent abuse, I'm returning to the subject of how narcissist parents destroy their child with divorce, dating, live-ins and remarriage. My biological parents were already very neglectful, arrogantly entitled, irresponsible, exploitative and invalidating. This was devastating to me as a child. But then they started messing around with other people, separated (for no good reason) divorced (yes in that order), "dating" and  finally remarrying and having more kids which they excluded me in favor of. This did unspeakable damage. 

And you know, as I think about it, the adultery, divorce, hook-up/remarriage trifecta might be narcissist parents' most destructive weapon they use against their OG child or children. It is the most insidious, cloaked as it is in euphemism and gaslighting. But make no mistake. This is not them "finding love" or "living their best lives." It's malicious, deceitful, undermining and back-stabbing the child, meant to destabilize her. 

Am I exaggerating and/or making this all about me? Well, that's what I was told, for sure. Despite me saying nothing and making no protest to their sexually off, immoral and unethical lifestyles, they attacked me as if I had. It was my fault, I was "too critical" and "jealous." Of two immature adults acting like horny teenagers? Gross, not likely. And it mattered not that I just rolled over, accepted and even defended them. They knew they were doing wrong and felt ashamed but as narcissist parents do, they blame the child. They DARVO, so she's the problem and they are the innocent victims. 

Which was another nail in my coffin. Now I not only had to put up with all their weird, disgusting, humiliating behavior, I had to endure all kinds of confusing, word salad-y shaming and blaming. AND guilt that I was somehow envious of, not supportive of them.  Like their child was somehow raining on their parades. However, and this is critical, these were parades I was excluded from enjoying. For me, because of my position in the family, were nothing but torture. 

Narcissist parents who divorce and remarry rewrite rules, mores, facts to suit themselves. They arrogantly edit out anything that inconveniently impedes their narcissistic fantasy. And that impediment was me. I was the piece that didn't fit in their shiny new relationships and families. The reminder of the fact that they were already married and that they had bombed out my world entirely. And what do you do with painful reminders? Do you listen? Do you accept correction? Not if you're a narcissist. Narcissists stomp on them till they shut up. 

Not that I even said anything. That fact that I existed was reminder enough that they could not revise other people's lives to their satisfaction. That by "living their best lives" they were destroying mine. You might say, oh well they didn't mean that. They just got a little carried away. Umm, no. Narcissist parents aren't impulsive and short-sighted. They knew what they were doing. Because by the time they told me, they had a line of BS a mile long prepared. And most of it involved blaming and scapegoating me. I've lived with that unearned guilt all my life. They knew they were wrong but instead of admitting it, they dumped all the shame on me. They never once answered any questions or even allowed me to ask. At 6, I was shouldering burden for having my family imploded out from under me as if I was the one who lit the fuse. 

So when I say destroyed my family, am I exaggerating? Don't parents have a right to end relationships and start new ones? Ehh, I think it's more a matter of right rather than rights. As in what is right and healthy for everyone. And it is not right for a child to have the rug under her, pulled out with no help or support. So no, they do not once they become parents. Because now it's not just a relationship between two people. It is a family with other people involved. 

And one thing you can count on narcissist parents to do is make it all about themselves. To neglect their responsibilities to their child but to weaponize their failings to leverage THE CHILD'S pity. My parents had me so brainwashed that I actually felt sorry for them as they ignoring me to cheat on each other. And me. I was literally free range all over the many strange places we squatted in, while they went looking for themselves and found other people. Most were just a few nights' stands. Oh and add to that, they were "missionaries" preaching the good news of Jesus while abandoning me and sleeping around. It's no wonder that sex is complicated, for me. 

So how did they do this without censure of other adults. Well, to start with, they moved me far away from any loving family. And then they constructed false scenarios where they are poor, helpless victims whom the child must rescue. While also painting the child as the bad guy. So the child is both problem and parent, scapegoat and servant-savior. They shell-shocked me with shockingly betrayal. They twisted healthy, safe words and ideas into dangerous ones. Words like family and parents. They made care contingent. They denied me basics. They sawed through supports. They messed with my head till I didn't recognize anything. 

While in Alaska (3K miles from home), we lived (or squatted in) 10 different places over one year. Neither were ever around. I don't know where they were. I recall few meals together. Just a lot of playing alone. To say they did their own thing is an understatement. I was left at 6, at a completely unfamiliar camp with strangers for a week. Then I was left again with strangers on a remote island. The effect was bogglingly terrifying for me. When they decided to call it quits, no effort was made to explain or help me. I didn't understand what it meant. My mom just said they were separating, end of. And not to cry about it because I was lucky theirs was a "good divorce." 

And that was all just in the "separation-sleeping around" phase. We haven't even gotten to the divorce mess. Or the dating (yuck) or second marriages. They finally divorced (it took longer in those days) but they'd been living the swinging single life a long time. My mom had moved us back to Michigan from Alaska where my dad stayed to continue "missioning" (running around with a bunch of teenagers). He'd been absent for most of my life anyway. 

She just picked up where she left off, with the revolving door of men, while ironically still preaching against it. For everyone else. Same with  my dad. It's hilarious their level of audacity. I can't describe to you how awkward and embarrassing it is to have two adult parents dating. Maybe now it's not so odd. But in 1971, it was. And by dating, I mean I had to go through all the icky adolescent idiocy with them. I had to listen to their drama about sex and crushes like they were middle schoolers. I had to watch them make out. My mom went for older married men while my 36-y/o dad dated a 17 y/o he met roller-skating with me. I sat in her little girl room as she showed me her dolls. The wife of one of  my mother's partners knocked her down the stairs. I felt angry on her behalf, and embarrassed and powerless and guilty for not doing anything to protect her. She just sent me off to school, telling me to say nothing. And so I did, with all that in my head. And we never have discussed it, 53 years and counting.  

Then she just moved on to someone else equally toxic and I was just sort of along for the ride. She dated men who were violent, aggressive, creepy, sexually off with me and then married one. They weren't with her. And she went right along with their mocking, assaults and violence towards me, approving and applauding. And my dad moved on, too. Again with me sort of tagging along. They let anyone they brought into my life treat me any way they wanted. And being all narcissists, it was pretty bad. I don't know if other kids' parents who were divorced and dating were as careless of their kids. Because I knew of no other kid in a situation remotely like mine. 

Which brings me to the most mind-damaging part of the equation. Narcissists make it all about themselves. To the child!  Oh poor them their ex's (you mean my dad?) was so awful to me, blah blah blah. They cry on the child's shoulder but NEVER let the child shed her tears. They complain about being the put upon single parent while keeping the other parent out so they can pocket the child support. They don't involve the other parent and the other parent, being equally self-centered, doesn't bother to involve himself. I've never had both parents' unified support in anything in my life. They were just there to get what they could out of me. Oh but they're the victim here. Even though they've just waltzed on to their new relationships like nothing happened. 

Because all my parents thought of was themselves. Always have. How anything will affect them and later their new people. Neither parent ever asked how I was through it all. Neither cared. All they talk about is what they feel, need, want etc. But it's the CHILD's family that was destroyed. And in my case, I was the only one. So even more alone and left out. It's the child who's left essentially orphaned. Who is she anymore now that the nucleus she came from is gone? 

When my mom glibly told me she was leaving my dad, I felt very dissociated. But she was completely unconcerned about me. More irritated actually. And my dad was so wrapped up in himself that everything was only about Jack. He wasn't even there when she told me. He was off on one of his self-aggrandized non-existent mission trips.  I didn't know and so asked if my grandparents would still be my grandparents. And my mother got angry when I asked. She snapped "is that all you're worried about? You and how it will affect you? What about me?" Well, what else am I supposed to think, mom? You dumped this on me with no more concern than you would announcing that I was getting a new bedspread. So you clearly didn't care. And now you're going to guilt me, a 6 y/o? They didn't even let me grieve. 

But yeah it is about me. You're the adults. You have options, resources, support groups, singles groups.  I don't have a choice. You're the ones that decided to destroy this family. You brought new people in when you felt like it. You call all the shots. And I don't have resources unless you provide them. No support system unless you help me find it. And you have no concern about doing that. What am I supposed to do, start a divorced kids group at six years old? I was powerless and at  your mercy. And you wanted me to know that I was alone. So while they call it parents divorce, it's actually parents divorcing themselves, or trying to separate themselves from the child. From the obligations to her. They make her feel cut off and left adrift. I've begun to see that this was a form of grooming. Preparing me to feel alone, exhausted, in shock, vulnerable, ashamed and afraid. So I would be more malleable. 

Kids don't seek help from other family members because they don't know how or that they can. The adults must care enough to reach out to the child and let her know that they care. That she matters and has a say. Otherwise she just feels the pawn that she is. My parents saw to it that I never asked for help. They made me know that I was just showing off, seeking attention or a nuisance and that no one cared. So I never asked or told. 

And then, after the narcissist parents shatter the child's family just for shits and giggles and with about as much thought, they shove other people at the child without involving the child in any of it. Without even waiting for the sheets to cool. The child hasn't even come to grips with the divorce when these narcissist parents are bringing strange people into her inner space. And being malignant narcissists, they don't vet the new people. They don't care if they're hurtful. In fact, hurtful is fine. Because they can join the parent in the bullying. They do what they want at the time, damn the consequences to the child. 

Narcissist parents don't prepare the child for these new people. They don't take her into consideration when they go new family shopping.  I'd barely met the people my parents ended up marrying. I was just told, "here's your new boss" basically and then I was instructed to treat them as I would a parent with respect, obedience, loyalty, dutiful and dogged servitude. I was essentially coerced into agreeing to THEIR marriage vows. Because I'm the only one who actually honored anyone in that mess. I was the surrogate spouse, parent (to them and their children) servant and scapegoat. They carried on with their irresponsible ways (big surprise) while I carried the can. 

And don't forget the narcissist mantra. Everyone is responsible to me and I'm responsible to no one. They made in clear that no of the four of them had any obligation to me. They made me believe that I was a burden and that providing me a home was optional. That basic necessities (meals, a place to sleep) were some major inconvenience to them that I was lucky to have. That I owed them for the simplest things that ALL parents are required to give their children. The level of hypocritical double standards is boggling. 

So we've established that abusive narcissist parents don't bring in safe folks. They are terrible judges of character and think more with their genit-lia than with their brains or hearts. And they don't care that the people they bring in are equally selfish, entitled, arrogant, demanding and Machiavellian. Because they never had any intention of actually obeying their marriage vows. Their long game was always for the scapegoat child to do all the heavy lifting. They're just there for the perks. 

We've also determined that narcissists foist these new people onto their kids without any preparation or inclusion or input from the child. Does the child have a say in who the parent dates? Yeah, I think they do. I think they should be taken into account, at least. Especially if parents are going to force the kid to treat the new person like a parent. Which I have a problem with to start with. Because all too often the new person is disrespectful, unloving, unparental and unkind to the child. They exclude and have to be convinced to "let" the child live with them as if it's something they have a damn choice over. 

They do not help the child deal with their new spouse's bad behavior. They gang up on the kid. They berate, belittle and humiliate her. They, as my husband says, threw me to the wolves to win brownie points with the new people. This is a form of child prostitution. It goes beyond endangering to something so awful I don't have a word for it. And I've heard that claptrap that oh well they were probably abused by these new people and trying to stay safe. BY THROWING THEIR CHILD at the toxic person which THEY brought into our family?? That's a big bullshit sundae with nuts, whipped cream and a cherry on top. 

It's taken me all my life to even acknowledge how really terrible it all really was. I'm still coming to terms. All their gaslighting lies, cover-ups, distortions and betrayals served to put me in an impossible place where there where dissociation was all there was. As I look back, the dissociation wasn't temporary. These experiences made me live in a state disconnection and semi-fugue all my life.