Hi friends. Today on my path to heal from narcissist parent abuse and neglect, I'm looking at weird childhood trauma responses a child develops around money, spending and self-care. I've always been frugal and probably would have been even if not for the childhood neglect. But these trauma responses are not about fiscal prudence. They are unhealthy behaviors caused directly by financial abuse, medical neglect, endangerment, manipulative exploitation, invalidation and gaslighting by my four narcissist parents.
Not knowing what I need or that I need it. We were not poor. My parents and their partners and other kids had plenty. I did not. I was expected to make do or do without so others could have more than they needed. Self-care was selfish. I had to ask permission of my dad's wife to get food out of the cupboard. In the house that I pretty much cleaned single-handedly. I learned early on not to ask. I grew up seeing others get what they needed and me going without. No one taught me how to provide for myself or that I should. I kind of learned by the seat of my pants and didn't do a very good job of it.
Flawed understanding of obligation. They who actually did owe me care and nurturing, did not give it. And gaslit me that I was selfish to expect it. So I didn't. I was taught that my needs were selfish. That basic care was a luxury I didn't deserve. They owed me nothing. And out of the other side of their hypocritical mouths, came an endless list of all I owed them--more gaslighting. It was as if I was the parent and they my demanding children. But then flip-flopped back to the parent role when it suited. What you saw in my family looked like adult and child. It was actually a child-adult caring for a bunch of wayward, spoiled brats. And that twisted role reversal did not end with their deaths. I still hear echoes of my dad's shaming voice. And my mother still shows up only with her hand out, until I went no contact.
Broken ideas about responsibility. Too much caring at my own expense. Mind you I was very good and providing for others. Both to those who were and those were not my responsibility to care for. I knew what my children AND my parents needed, as if I were mom to them all instead of the other way around. While they were egregiously irresponsible toward me. My parents and their spouses were perfectly happy with disastrous situation.. And I never knew this was wrong.
Rule by chaos. Nothing was ever stable or consistent. They'd flip the script again just when I was getting good at my role of mother to all. They didn't just want to be the children they wanted the privileges of being parents, without the work. They would suddenly rain down wrath about how I was "disrespectful of" and disobedient to them as parents? Which of course I was. Cuz I got pretty good at lightning costume changes too. Dutiful daughter, scapegoat, nanny, chief cook and bottle washer, mommy's confidante, mommy's whipping girl. This constant chaos was to keep my confused and hoop hopping. I never knew what to expect because rules kept changing.
Confused sense of mine and thine. I don't think of anything as mine. Most all my possessions were given to the other kids, or to the spouses or sold. Things tend to get "lost" when my mother shows up. Or broken. And I've never questioned why or how, till now. I believed the lies and gaslighting. Can you be too generous? Yep when you give away what you need for survival. Or when it is stolen from you and you learn not to question. Malignant narcissist parents ruin everything including property rights for a child. And overly giving empathetic child of selfish, greedy narcissist parents is a dangerous combination.
Never feeling good enough. I realized too late that I wasn't the problem. Instead of giving too little, as they said, I gave too much at my own expense. And took too little, except abuse for failing to please. But it's too late, because now the gaslighting has taken hold in my brain. .I always feel I've never given enough. And my selfish narcissist parents have been more than happy for me to believe this, to take and take and demand more.
Internalized dysfunctional malignant double standards as norm. So gaslighting works like sulfuric acid, breaking down reserves, defenses and reality. I now have these wrong ideas implanted in my brain and I cannot rewire it. They are always right even if they're wrong. I am wrong even when I right. Somehow I was able to accept that what was terribly dangerous for others was fine for me. That what was good was not for me. That taught me that needs, rights, wants, hopes, a life of my own, choices, mistakes, the ability to say no were for others but not for me. I find it very difficult to shake that notion and I'm terrified now to say no, stand up for my rights, pursue my wants or even meet my own needs.
Bottomless pit black hole parents, too giving kid My parents were never satisfied with what I did or gave. And then I was expected to be satisfied with the few little bread crumbs they doled out occasionally. There was "always room for improvement" when it came to me, while doing as little as possible for me and expecting me to be delighted. They refused to be grateful or even satisfied because they (who were arrogant AF) were afraid I'd get "conceited." They guilted, shamed kept demanding more. That's how they kept me in line because God forbid a child feel she has pleased her parents. But that wasn't even their real reason. They were afraid that if I felt good about anything, I'd stop working so damn hard to please them. And if I found any confidence at all, their fake narcissistic fantasy through their gaslighting. And if I wasn't beaten down and exhausted all the time, I'd have energy to fight back and get out. This has caused a weird fawn response of hyperextending, to giving away too much to maybe make them happy. They never will be so might as well just accept that now.
Empathy weaponized by narcissist parents. And somehow I managed to wrap my head around all the ick and be okay with it. I managed to navigate their chaos and stay afloat. I just kept forgiving and tolerating and you might think that would help. It didn't. It made them angry, I think because that they couldn't break me. The more loving and empathetic I was the worse I was treated. So I say it didn't break me, but here's a secret that I don't want them ever to know. Narcissists collect vulnerability like seashells. They store up intel and use it against you. Secret is, it did break me, in many little ways. It's death by a thousand cuts. And that's why I always default to people pleasing and placating.
Normalized abuse, endangerment and neglect.
Common necessities were withheld such as proper bed, bedroom, food, suitable and comfortable clothing, healthcare, period needs, glasses. If I needed something, I pretty much had to fend for myself. I was given on the bare minimum and then not even always that. I scavenged, wore old castoffs and have stolen food. I was a dumpster diver before there was a name for it. I've been cold a lot due to frequently lacking inadequate clothing. And too warm in summer when my mom put an air conditioner in her basement apartment with her boyfriend and didn't even provide a fan for the room I slept in with her four foster children. And then, what I managed to secure for myself, was taken from me. I was called selfish for needing sanitary napkins. I was dismissed as showing off when I got sick. I was called disobedient and kicked out when I came home 15 minutes late. While they were fine with me sleeping on an unheated porch. I was called lazy by my stepfather (who had a firewood cutting business!) threw fuel oil or an old tire on the wood stove because he was too lazy to actually cut wood. My broken brain normalized it, again, as not for others but fine for me. I've always felt extreme guilty about even basic self care. It's taken me a long time to understand that my life was just as bad as abused and neglected kids I'd read about. That their stories were mine too. My parents had me so gaslit about what an ungrateful girl I was that I didn't see it as their cover for abuse.
Terribly wrong notions of obligation. I heard a lot about my obligations to them and nothing of theirs to me. They were more preoccupied telling me what to do than doing it. I heard a lot of "you shoulds" that they didn't. Two sets of rules. This wormed it's way into me and now it's so bad I even feel obligated to let people hurt me. As if to protect myself is somehow selfish? That I must keep their dirty secrets because to tell what THEY DID is somehow wicked of me. There was so much varied repeated abuse and neglect from all four of them, that I was drowning. They buried me under it. But to defend myself , they said was wrong?? I developed emotional leprosy in which I was unable to feel anything besides diffuse constant pain. So I couldn't protect myself. I kept getting more and more scarred.
But it wasn't normal, healthy or what I deserved. I deserved better. It wasn't my fault. Children do not "bring on" parental abuse or neglect any more than they cause it to rain. Abusive parents abuse because they are selfish, arrogant, cruel bullies who want everyone to think they are above the rules. They aren't but even as I say that, I admit it's devilishly hard to believe. Because the devil doesn't want me to and neither did my narcissistic parents. Taking care of myself, not allowing them to harm me feels uncomfortable as hell. Which might be a place to start. If people who are supposed to love you, just exploit and misuse you, they don't love you. They don't have your best interest at heart. They aren't safe. There's no living with or talking to extreme malignant narcissists. There's just giving in to them which is what I've done to my own detriment and which only made them act worse. They will not suddenly see the light. Or maybe they will, either way it's not my job to burn my handle on the candle showing them the way. So there's only getting out and going no contact. Which is what I've done. It's not how I wanted it but then neither was my time with them. I didn't ask for all this. And I'm just doing the best I can, now finally for me. That's alll that's left to me.
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