Hello my friends. Today in our quest to heal CPTSD from narcissistic parent abuse, let's look at how narcissist parents' double standards ruin even the simplest, most innocent childhood things for us. I'm thinking of things like hobbies, leisure activities, interests, friendships with other children, basic stuff.
ALL about them. NONE about us. The first and foremost thing to remember about narcissistic parents is that everything centers on them. This is very abnormal to the average family in which each member is a valued part. Kids have their own space, their own bedrooms, possessions, special interests, etc. Living under narcissist parents, they command the spotlight. Everyone else is just tech crew. Our focus is completely taken up by them so we have little time or energy for our own pursuits.
Groomed to serve Children of narcissist parents, particularly the scapegoat, come into this world carrying a huge burden of debt to their parents. It's as if, upon exiting the birth canal, we were presented with a list of obligations to them, which we were indoctrinated into thinking were ours to pay off. We owed them loyalty, service, blind obedience, caregiving, parenting (!) They owed us nothing, we were taught to believe. Even our simplest needs and wants were thwarted and diverted to feed their voracious appetites.
One-sided transactions. So relationships are transactional even though we're told they shouldn't be. Healthy people don't stay in situations where they are being taken advantage of. Unless they have no choice, like us poor children of narcissists. It was made very clear to us that they owed us nothing. Everything we get from them, which isn't much, comes with many strings attached. Moreover, we were also trained to believe we owed them the world with a fence around it. We exited the womb in debt to them up to our eyebrows. The world had let them down and they were gonna make damn sure their kid suffered the consequences. As TINY CHILDREN, we were already working like slaves to please our narcissist parents. And we spent our lives paying off their bad debts, while they just kept irresponsibly incurring more, knowing their scapegoat would deal with it. And never once did they appreciate any of it. They just pocketed it and held out their greedy, grubby paws for more.
Narcissist parents are alarmingly egocentric. They aren't just self-centered. They expect that everyone else revolves around them. When they arrive (loudly), they make theatrical entrances and grand gestures. It drives them nuts if no one notices them. Even sneering is preferable to ignoring. It seems not to even occur to them that others exist as individual people who have no interest at all in the narcissist and certainly won't cater to them. Needless to say, they constantly receive ego injuries because the rest of the world didn't know His Majesty was arriving and failed to roll out the red carpet. And then, oh how they punish their children for other's not giving them their due reverence. We must soothe, smooth, humor, buffer, make up for and bow even lower to salve their wounded pride.
Narcissist parents upstage us. The level of venomous jealousy and entitlement in narcissists knows no bounds. And narcissist parents are the dead worst of all. Because they have young, as yet unmatured captive audiences whose little minds they can warp carte blanche. And because little kids are guileless and adorable without trying, this incenses the narcissist. They make everything a competition, from abilities, to relationships with peers, to games, everything. They will try to outshine us in our most vulnerable moments, when we thought we could count on them for support.
Narcissist parents are insane hypocrites. Judgmentally critical when we're being noticed and larger-than-life braggarts when it's them. When the narcissist feels threatened by our abilities, like singing, they'll pull us aside (away from others who celebrate our talents) and tell us to quit showing off. All we're doing is singing and getting attention for it. They'll demean, belittle and humiliate. BUT they are crazy show-offs, ridiculously parading around like trained seals. We never saw that because 1) we were used to it 2) we were taught to showcase them and diminish ourselves.
Narcissist parents are Pick-Me. They don't share, they hog. Especially center stage. Attention from others, they think, is a commodity of which there is a scarcity. So where normal parents celebrate their children, narcissistic parents are jealous of and feel threatened by them. They will do ANYTHING for attention, including shockingly dangerous, exploitative, humiliating and repulsive things. My mother used to strut around in weirdly provocative clothing when she was young, believing herself the sexist thing in the room. She always bragged about her body and freely tells anyone who listens that she sleeps naked. Then as she aged, she began wearing nightgowns in public. If she couldn't be the sexiest, she'd be the most pitiful. Either in the spotlight.
Malignant narcissist parents get off on shock value. They don't just compete with their kids for attention, they do outrageous things to humiliate the child and then laugh at them. At their child's performance, social gathering of friends, or even place of work, the narcissist will do and say bizarre things loudly to assure all eyes are on her, whether for good or bad. A narc doesn't care how you attend her as long as you do. Best of all is when she can embarrass her child, such as shouting AMEN! at mass when she visits.
So what exactly do narcissist parents ruin for their children? Pretty much everything they can get their mitts on. And because they have (or have gaslit us to believe they have) supreme control over their kids, that's pretty much everything. Everything from friends, to hobbies to talents, to needs and wants, to identity, to self-care. It's all belongs to them. They just let us to use, occasionally, what they don't currently need. But we're to keep it in readiness because that will change at a moment's notice. It's like we're the caretakers of their massive estates, never owning just working like hell to maintain.
We can play but only when the narcissist has no need of us. And then they are so oddly and neglectfully absent that it beggars belief. I've told you how I played alone, in dangerous places, far from home starting around age 4. Neither parent had any idea nor cared where I was or with whom. I could have friends unless one of my parents needed them. My mother has actually hit on my boyfriends and husband, then vilified my girl friends when she needed to feel superior and then used those same people as confidantes, telling them highly inappropriate things to elicit pity.
I could have a place to live when it was convenient for stepmother but I was presently with a long list of duties to earn that keep. I was my dad's buddy when he needed someone to dump on and his whipping girl when he wanted a scapegoat. I could have opinions whenever he told me what they were. I could eat if they didn't need the money for something else. I could have hobbies if they didn't interfere with Cinderella's mountain of housework. But I had to pay for them myself and find rides. They didn't care who with. That didn't go well. I could only feel good about what I'd done if my dad didn't need an ego boost which he got by cutting me down. I could share problems only if they could find a way to weaponize or shame it. Otherwise they didn't care.
When I sang in the bathroom, trying out a vibrato, my dad said I was showing off. (Why he was in the bathroom with me, never occurred). When I got a new haircut, my mom insulted it. Then when I had long beautiful hair she had it all cut off. When I made supper for her family, my stepmother tsk-tsked that I served it 20 minutes "late." (We did not have meal times because she never cooked). When I asked if I'd done the household cleaning to his specifications, my dad said I was fishing for compliments. When I made the mistake of expressing interest in ballet, I was told I was too fat, they couldn't afford lessons (there was plenty money for everyone else's hobbies) and besides dancing was immoral (!). My mother let her other daughter watch "Halloween" when she was 5. And then when we chose Lord of the Rings when she stayed the night, she said it was evil and the devil was making her spirit restless. When I wore a bikini she said I was flaunting. When she wore one, it was fine.
My dad so insulted my acting ability that I just kept quiet about the plays I was in. They came to see me in a Shakespeare show and while everyone else's family was congratulating their kids, mine just lookee pursed-lips disapproving and said it was "sinful." And yet my dad sang and played his violin very theatrically. He never wanted to hear about his grandkids' achievements, yet whe we visited, all he could talk about was "his" radio show, brag, brag, brag. When I did something that gave others' joy, it was "selfish attention-seeking." When he did things, in his big, self-important way, it was selflessly serving God.
They weren't interested in anything I did, unless they could insult or exploit it. In 11th grade, I was living with my mom and her husband (well, if you can call sleeping on and unheated porch, buying your own clothes while your lazy ass stepdad sleeps all day and throws a tire on the fire occasionally, living). Anyway, I helped to start a youth group and a weekly church music festival both of which became very successful.
I recall how, before a formal group was formed, several families were practicing for church service. I timidly asked the pianist if he knew "I feel good" (Andre Crouch) as he had the sheet music. He didn't but asked me to sing it and he was able to play along. A woman stopped everyone, turned a mike toward me and told me to belt it out. Then everyone began riffing along and our little group was born. We pulled in huge crowds for our small community, on Saturday nights. Even kids at school came because we were good.
Sure, there were some big egos in that group. But every member was valued and we got along great! Because we all celebrated each other. I had several accompanists who loved playing for me. And I loved singing for them. No one ever said I was showing off. I was begged to sing as often as I could. It's hard to admit because it sounds vain to me, but everyone loved singing with me.
Then I invited my dad because I knew he'd bring his violin and expect to be asked to play. I liked my dad's playing, even though he was always sneering and supercilious about my singing. When they invited him to play, all of a sudden it was the Jack Show and he was in charge. He couldn't be bothered to help me out when my mom and her husband kicked me out, at 16, to live on my own. But boy could he make it weekly for "his" group.
Not only that but he told me I sang far too much and should give others a chance. I was ASKED to sing! Everyone wondered why I stopped participating as much. They begged me to come back. Everyone except my dad. Oh he wanted me there to hear him, not to be heard. Never once did he ever offer to play and sing with me. He turned me down when I offered. I thought it was because I wasn't good enough. My husband says it was because he couldn't outshine me.
Wherever I went, I was asked to sing. Not bragging. Just a fact. It made people happy. But for me, it was heartbreaking and freaking confusing how everyone but my own family wanted to hear me. Mine only wanted to hear himself. In the damn group I started!
I got all kinds of confusing, manipulative, gaslighting messages about every single person I ever met. Unsafe, unscrupulous, unhinged and coercive people (including their creepy friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses) were pushed on me as good for me. Meanwhile actually good for me people were attacked, belittled and lied about. It just occurred to me today how my parents drove a wedge between me and all of those people whenever they could. More on that later.
So where does that leave me now? Completely clueless as to what healthy needs and wants are. And baffled by and ashamed of my talents and gifts. And gaslit about being unable to do things they said I failed at. I fear doing anything and have zero confidence in my own abilities. I'm sure I'll screw it up because they always said I did. To be quite honest, I have no idea what I actually do well or poorly. If someone praises me, I hear only my (very show-off-y) parents voices scolding me for being "a show off." So I demure because God forbid I do that.
When asked my preferences, I demur to others. I feel guilty for saying I want spaghetti for supper, even if I'm cooking it. I over-enthuse about everyone else's hobbies. I listen ad nauseum to their opinions and interests. No one ever asked about mine. And were bored to death and told me so, if I mentioned it.
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