Hi friends. This morning, I got into a conflict with my husband (or was kind of dragged into it). And I realized that conflict, as in how I cope with it, has a lot to teach me about childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse. It underscores what teachers like Dr. Ramani, Patrick Teahan, Danish Bashir, Jerry Wise and Dr. Les Carter have been saying about how victims of narcissistic abuse trauma respond. Here are some lessons I learned. And the great news is that I must already know them better than I think because, this time, instead of going into the downward spiral of rumination, shame and anger, I felt calmly detached, grounded and confident.
But first, some background. My husband is not a narcissist either clinically or by nature. He does exhibit some arrogant, bossy, callous and entitled tendencies but this is always when he is exhausted. He works 12-hour nights and it's after one of these that I see the behaviors come out. Today was one such time. It started innocently enough. What happens is that he will read something at work and share it with me when he comes home. Normal for people on a normal schedule.
However, being that we're at opposite ends of our day: I'm just waking up and he's sleepy and ready for bed, it never goes well. We should just learn to only talk about the cats or some innocuous subject. But it's easy to forget because the subject matter seems safe. And we should know better because we're both intense, intelligent people and so what we read is serious, not lighthearted.
He was talking about Catholic anarchy and Dorothy Day and how what they preach resonated. Which I've been saying for at least 40 years. He freely admits to being an anarchist and Catholic but he could never hear Catholic anarchy without getting triggered and going off on a rant. He has always struggled to juxtapose his faith and his politics. And I get that. But I was just a tiny bit annoyed that what I'd been saying for decades had been dismissed and it was only when he heard it said by someone else, that he accepted it.
Then he made the point that Dorothy Day did not consider herself a feminist. Feminism has always been a sore spot for me because I consider myself a spiritual Christian feminist. Things churches, ministers and most other Christians and even my husband, gently, say are in compatible. You know the old "you can't call yourself thus and such and still be Christian." nonsense. I was publicly scolded by a former friend at a Christian camp just for saying I agreed with parts of humanism. "How dare you say that! WE" must NEVER say that!!" She said. And so I kept quiet and felt ashamed. Because she said to. One of my trauma responses is to always believe I'm wrong and someone else is right and it's gotten me into many dangerous situations.
But yet I've wrestled with this all my life because I believe that many seemingly dissimilar ideas can coexist quite effectively, in this thing we call life. I see many contradictions in our holy books. In fact, I believe that feminism is an outgrowth of Christianity. Because Jesus proved himself a feminist. And actually my own husband is a feminist in that he champions the cause of women at every chance.
But he balks at the use of the word. Not just for him but for me. He doesn't like it when I call myself that because that term "left a bad taste in his mouth." When I refer to it, he talks me down, corrects and even chides me. So I have to either keep quiet (while he is on his feminist soapbox, yes it's that hypocritical) or get into an exhausting, irritating endless cycle of debate which always ends in anger and tears. I don't dare to say certain things for fear of setting him off.
Funnily enough I had just yesterday listened to a talk by Dr. Ramani about how narcissists wear us down and we give in. I know, you're thinking, he's a narcissist and I'm in denial. And as obvious as that seems, it's not. Because I know him better than anyone. This comes from a bullheadedness to be sure. And poor listening skills that need an upgrade. Mostly, it comes from both of us being overtired. Me from terrible trauma nightmares and him from a wonky schedule. But we have always cut ourselves short and held ourselves to standards we don't have the resources to meet. We try to keep up a normal life when we don't have one.
So conversations devolve into crazy because we're not thinking clearly. Or they did till today when I realized something. This is historic with me, to be shamed and scolded. I'm used to a harassing parent riding herd over me and me capitulating to keep them happy. And here's where the childhood trauma responses come in.
I realized today that I amend or keep quiet about my every thought, idea, belief, even needs and wants, because they often anger or are inconvenient for someone else. The fact that I earlier wrote that "I don't dare say certain things" in indicative of childhood trauma response. It speaks to a child who was continually under the thumb of bullying adults and who lived in constant fear of punishment. Not for doing terrible or hurtful things. JUST FOR HAVING NEEDS AND WANTS AND IDEAS!
So what I did today was off the charts different and uncomfortable but so important. I stood my ground, calmly. I didn't JADE--justify, argue, defend or explain. I spoke my truth, clearly. My husband kept reiterating that he didn't think of me as a feminist. Then he said I'm not saying you can't call yourself one. Call yourself a cat if you want. Supposedly, he wasn't trying to tell me what to think. He was just explaining what I really thought. He was helping me understand myself by "translating" it correctly. He said he had a right his opinion and that I should listen to it. He said aren't you even interested in hearing my point of view? He tends to pick a bone of contention and gnaw it to death.
He wouldn't admit, if confronted, to being as arrogant as that but he was. Fact. He has a habit of saying rude, haughty things that come across exactly how they are said. Rude and haughty. If confronted, he both backpedals and doubles down. He expects that by reiterating his opinion over and over again, others will finally get him right. And change their minds to his. What we get is that he not only is rude, he means to be. That's the communication fail, assuming that if others don't agree they misunderstood you. I understand perfectly and I just don't like what you said.
Then he gets hurt that people took them wrong. He expects that people will cut him slack and just divine that he meant it nicely. He's not above-it-all like a narcissist, more confused and a little sulky. Which yes, is a bit covert or vulnerable narcissist. But recall I said it happens mostly when tired. So not in a clear head. Anyway, it's not my purpose to diagnose.
I'm in this marriage for the long haul and I just want to get as healthy and free from narcissist parent abuse as possible. But regardless, it's frustrating as hell to live with, whether you grew up in trauma or not. So I'm extra proud of myself and grateful to my higher power for being able to stay glued through today's episode.
And while I didn't JADE, I did state facts and express feelings. I called his behavior what I've always felt it was but was too afraid to admit. I said it felt patronizing to be told what I thought. Reinventing someone's reality is gaslighting. Paraphrasing their words is diminishing them and invalidating, especially given that he knows my back history of being chronically invalidated. Which he has participated in, with behavior like this, if I'm honest.
He has often said that he needs to put my words into his own words. And I said that they require no translation. They stand alone and I stand by them. He said that he didn't mean that. I said the fact that he continually does this implies otherwise. It says he thinks my words are of no worth without his imprimatur. Or that other people won't understand my crazy ideas unless he's there to mediate. I also said the cat remark was condescending and sarcastic not helpful.
To his statement that he had a right to his opinions, I agreed. That they were just that. Opinions. But about his question, didn't I want to hear his opinion? Didn't he have a right to express things in his own way? On my own opinions, no, not really. It's unnecessary. The last thing I need is someone redefining what I think or telling me how I should think. And how can you anyway? Who are you to dictate what is in another persons' mind? Just figure out what you think and leave me to do me.
Then he said he wasn't faulting my ideas, just clarifying. But in clarifying he was actually contradicting. He said I didn't really mean what I said. Then proceeded to tell me what I really think and feel. (!) To which I said, my ideas don't need clarifying. And if they do, I will clarify them. And by clarifying, you mean correcting. Because what you said was diametrically opposed to what I said.
Then he said I could believe what I wanted. To which I replied yes, I can and I don't need permission. Which is what making such a statement like feels like to me. A reminder that I need validation of my right to be. About feminism leaving a bad taste in his mouth, I said, how could it? You weren't even born when it began. He also said he didn't see the need for it. Well of course you don't. You're a man. You didn't live with the tyranny and double standard.
Which is also weird because as I said, he is a feminist in his support of women's rights. But I have noticed that he thinks he has to hear things said his way. Ideas have to be presented to him in a way he accepts for them to be valid. And he is incredibly hypocritical, without realizing it. He would get very upset if I challenged, corrected or reinterpreted his opinions.
And about this notion of opinions. Do I think everyone is entitled to an opinion on everything? No. Not if you know nothing about the issue. Nor if your opinion includes expectations for others. Nor if you think you opinion should be given precedence over everyone else's even those who actually know and are affected by whatever it is you think should be done. Nor if you think your opinion matters more than mine. Have all you like. I just won't be listening. Just as I wouldn't expect anyone to care about mine. Which gets us back to the feminism thing. It's just my opinion that the goals are correct. I don't expect anyone who disagrees to change theirs. So why, then is it so important to change mine? Altogether I think opinions, especially uninformed, ignorant ones, are given far too much airtime.
Case in point. Husband will say strange, simplistic things like, "well I just don't think there needs to be feminism. We should all just play nice." Agreed. But we don't. We also shouldn't need unions cuz employers should play fair. Or equality initiatives cuz all are equal or support groups cuz everyone should be nice But they aren't, so we do. Which when he is advocating for something, he understands. But if it's someone else, like me, he feels the need to weigh in and adjudicate.
So when he reads something that resonates, regardless of the fact that I've preached it for years, it's like it was just invented. Like he never heard me. There's that problem with listening skills. I think it's also easy for him to fall into dismissive mode. He plays devil's advocate a lot, even when we think alike. He contradicts a lot. And then is surprised when it annoys me to be defending what we're supposedly on the same page about.
And then there's the problem of his very good judgement. Yes, I said problem. Confident and astute people are annoying AF to live with because, not because they're right. They're just so preachy about it. They make a person who has been taught insecurity even more insecure. They make us second-guess ourselves all the time. Because they, without meaning to, second-guess us. My husband may just be questioning himself in my presence but it sure feels like he's questioning me.
In the case of him contradicting, I think what he does is to take exception to something for probably a good reason. His red flags about feminism may be somewhat legit. He has a very strong sense of discernment. He sees the big picture. I'm just not sure he always knows what to do about it. So he soft soaps by saying undermining, passive-aggressive things because he doesn't want the person to feel undermined. I don't think it's done out of malice. But it feels really sneaky, demeaning and confusing to someone who doesn't live in his brain. And definitely to someone who was gaslit, demeaned, put down and devalued as a child. And it's a little deluded to think that your thoughts are the only way to think. But since I was denied the right to think for myself, I assumed it was because I was always wrong. I'm very susceptible believing know-it-all.
So what I did this time was to not let it trigger all that. I didn't attack or blame. I didn't feel angry. Just clear and justified. And honest. I didn't back down from statements I'd made. It felt very freeing to put in words rather than kowtow and suffer in silence. He said, in a kind of rude, backhanded way, sorry I pissed you off saying these things. (So he knew what he said was inflammatory and argumentative). Instead of saying, I'm sorry I was an argumentative know-it-all. And that's where I fell a little. I let him "ping" me.
And here's another thing I learned about my trauma responses. Sometimes they include acting dysregulated when I don't feel it, just so someone else who is dysregulating won't feel alone. I replied in an annoyed way I didn't feel, "yes you did upset me." This is a weird form or fawning or presenting that I do. I take responsibility for their choices as if I'd somehow caused them to act this way. So the person who is pissed off, can call it a fight we both participated in, not a one-sided problem.
However, to explain that no I wasn't upset and it was him who caused the friction, would require more of me defending myself. Which is part of the problem. So I found a workaround that required neither defending, arguing nor backing down. I said, "I misspoke when I said I was upset. I appreciate it because it's shown me that I need to stick to my guns and why."
He didn't understand and I didn't hurry to explain. I'm not even sure I knew exactly what I meant. But I knew it was true. So I just left it there. He went into his usual haughty-irritated huff, saying well, I'll just keep my mouth shut. And then stormed off to bed. Which we both know he won't nor that I expect him to. But this time, I didn't reassure him. I just read it as written, said goodnight and I love you. And he calmed down. And you know what? I'm not ruminating, for once in my life.
So maybe I did explain. But it was a different kind of explaining than I normally do. Traditionally, I explain why I do what I do, to defend. To win the approval I was never going to get. Because I always had to because my four narcissistic parents never took my side. They always jumped to believe the worst of me. They made up crap to paint me as the villain. This is not exaggerated. If anything I've downplayed it. I just wish it was made up.
I'm sure that some at least of what I felt he was doing was from old experiences. But he does know my back story and has a responsibility as my husband to tread gently around old wounds. He needs to learn to pick battles and when to say nothing, if what he's saying is provocative or not helpful. He also needs to prioritize me more and quit taking me so much for granted. We are called in our vows to assist and support, not make situations worse. But that's for him to work out. I've always felt responsible to make things happen. I can't. I can just do my best.
So it felt good to stand up for myself. It felt good to own my own ideas, unashamed.
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