Hello my friends. Today, to heal from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm going to explore how people perpetuate the cycle of abuse. I'm also looking at why and how our trauma brain overlooks this. And how ignoring what is actually abuse itself, causes more pain. Some people mean to and others may not. But it still hurts all the same.
So the people who do hurtful things in our adult life, may or may not be narcissistic abusers. Or even narcissists. But I would contend that in some ways, that makes it worse, especially if they exploit our past trauma for their own ends. If they know our story and then do the very things that were done to us, like gaslighting, invalidating, dismissing, shaming, scolding, humiliating, scapegoating, it makes our childhood trauma infinitely more difficult. It reinforces to us that this is all we deserve and should expect from people.
I will agree that it isn't anyone else's fault what our parents did to us. They can't fix our past. But they can avoid making our present worse. And while I said it isn't their fault, it is their problem if we are in a relationship with us. We take on each other's issues, to some extent, as soon as we join up with them. We aren't responsible for them, but we are responsible to them just as they are responsible to us. We are accountable.
So it behooves us to consider very carefully who to hitch our wagon to. If the person shows signs of bullying, manipulation, selfishness, arrogance, entitlement (narcissism), the best thing to do is swipe left. If these are showing up in the honeymoon phase when they're on their best behavior, it won't get better as they get more comfortable. But for most of us, it's not that simple. The dating years are decades gone.
So what do you do with someone who pushes your childhood trauma buttons, years into the relationship? Well, first, consider what you are bringing to the equation. I don't mean what have you brought on yourself. I mean what preset responses are being activated? What childhood triggers are being set off that neither of you recognize?
You may think you've told them your story and that they get it. But no one can relive with you what you experienced. They will bring their own issues, possibly trauma and perspective to it. What may feel like rubbing salt in wounds may be exactly what you need to heal. If you significant other loves you, he will very likely also be your truth-teller. The one who points out the narcissistic parent abuse in your life.
If you're like me, you didn't see the abuse till you were much older. Like in your senior years, even. They had decades to normalize to you their scapegoating, abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, invalidation and gaslighting about it all. But your loved one didn't live with that. They didn't grow up with the lies, spun narratives, double standards and hypocrisy.
And also, bear in mind that they are not you. They don't know your experiences but that may be a good thing in some ways. This may give them clearer perspective to see your experiences for what they were, unlike poor little shell-shocked you, who has grown up minimizing and excusing them. They can see the bullshit your parents do and call it what it is.
The thing to watch for is how and when they call it out. If they do it immediately after doing some hurtful thing to you, no, this isn't truth-telling. It's weaponizing your past trauma to deflect blame away from themselves. After being caught cheating, saying things like, "well, it's not as bad as what your parents did. At least I didn't abandon you." After raging at you, saying "it's not like I hit you like your dad did."
Another thing to note is that there are people who specifically target traumatized kids because they know they are vulnerable and therefore, easy targets. They're like victim vultures always quietly circling, looking for wounded, helpless people to feast on. Initially, they make you feel special and loved. They act supportive. This is the love bombing stage. But then they begin doing creepy things to isolate you from real support.
What they want is to have you all to themselves. They want sole rights to your soul. They may act angry when someone else hurts you. This isn't because they are protective of you. They are jealous and want first dibs on hurting you. They're mad someone else got to you first. Then they start the devaluing process, cutting you down, "tenderizing" you so you're more malleable and dependent on them.
It's nauseating. I experienced so much of this type of thing from people outside my family but worst from family members including my narcissistic parents and their new partners. My mother would seize on anything my dad or his wife did to me, not to defend me but to capitalize on it. She'd play the "pretty one" the good cop. Her purpose was to further abuse me and let her boyfriend/husband abuse me.
But by positioning herself as my hero-saviour, she could do it clandestinely, under the guise of helping me. I see now what I didn't see then. That she wasn't helping me she was helping herself. She never cared if people hurt me unless there was something in it for her. The few times she showed any concern, I recall, it was never about me. She was mad AT me for inconveniencing her and for not saving myself for her exclusive use. A thoroughly damaged kid was no good to her. She needed me somewhat functional to be of service. But not too functional or I might see through her. Ergo the deprivation.
When the neighbor kid sexually assaulted me, she told me to shrug it off. Then hooked up with the kid's dad. I never really understood what a horrible knife in the back that was, only the sickening feeling I had. She actually had me feeling sorry for her because she was a "poor, single mom" who was just looking for love. I didn't get that she was gang-banging me with the very people who had so harmed me.
I also see that she never did take proper care of me. She would whine to me about how awful my dad was to her. And then go out of her way to endanger and abandon me. And then shame me for being sad about it. And then excuse it because, well, your dad doesn't take care of you so I have to and I get tired, you know. So of course I have to run around with other men. I have needs too. Which would make me feel all the fear, obligation and guilt she was putting on me.
And then there was the extended family's response and how that made the abuse so much worse. More on that later.
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