This is part two of my series exploring how other people make narcissistic parent abuse even worse. This time I'm looking not just at those outside the family but the extended family itself. And it is probably the most painful thing I've written about to date. I'm under no illusion that I was ever really part of my parent's and then their new partners' family circle. In fact, it's kind of stupid of them to even call themselves my "family." I had no family after they divorced. My circle was busted wide open. Divorced kids (yes I said that intentionally) who are the only children of the original marriage are often, forever after outsiders, excluded. We're "stepchildren" as if we're the broken ones. Even our real parents, who are actually the broken ones, treat us like we're just cracked off dangly twigs rather than full members of the family tree.
Except for when our narcissistic parents need us. Then we're expected to do things for them because they're our "parents." Even though they don't act like parents or care for us. They demand all kinds of irrational, inappropriate, hurtful, ridiculous and impossible things of us under the guise of family. But we still aren't. They make it up as they go along, flipping the script to suit themselves. They write hypocritical, double standard rules for us. They owe us nothing. We owe them everything. We're family it's convenient for them and cut off when we're inconvenient.
It took me a lifetime to see this. Because of course, I was a child and my parents gaslit me. But now that I see, I'm asking why extended family didn't see. And if they saw, why no one stepped in. Why did they just go along with my parents' nonsense? And that's the worst part of all. Because while I got the message loud and clear that my parents' didn't owe me to include me in their lives, I thought at least I was part of the extended family. Now I'm not so sure.
I see now it was never about me and what I needed. It was only about my parents and what they wanted. They were never on my side, but they sure expected me to be on theirs. None of the four people who called themselves my parents ever were. They all dumped on me and then blamed me. They broke down my resistance with neglect and abuse which they then blamed on me. They did this so I would cover for them. And shoulder the blame, shame and responsibility for her actions. And it worked perfectly. I willingly participated in my own gaslighting. It wasn't long before they were blatantly hurting me and openly laughing at me.
And what I now want to know is, how and why did the extended family manage to overlook this? My parents' were literally, in everyone in the family's faces with their off behavior. The evidence was obvious. But we all just lined up and signed up for their reality shitshow. I was so confused by the smoke they blew up everyone's collective asses that I didn't see any of this till I was almost 60.
But what boggles me is how they had everyone else so hoodwinked. The entire family, who were nothing like my scamming, cheating, morally bankrupt, dangerous, deceitful and twisted parents, were somehow taken in by them and turned a blind eye to it all. Never once did anyone confront my parents or even reach out to ask how I was coping. No one even acknowledged their awful behavior. Once my mother told me that "her parents" (my grandparents) "didn't acknowledge her children with her second husband." And that God didn't either.
They were what was called back then "illegitimate" children. which is a terrible word. I see now that she told me this to get pity which I gave. She was also mad at me when she said it. She made it seem that I somehow got "favored" treatment as her only legitimate child. And that I stole from her other children what they really deserved. Interestingly, she has spent the rest of her life trying to even this score at my expense. She has stolen all manner of things from me, particularly what my grandparents gave me.
I now believe she twisted my grandparents words as she did so often. Or just lied. But if they did say something, it was probably meant to indicate not disapproval of her children, but of her and her lifestyle. But then, I ask, why did they not say anything to me, if they cared so much? Why did no one tell me that what my parents did was wrong? At least so I'd avoid the same mistakes. Why did no one call it what it was? Or maybe they tried and I couldn't hear it. I don't know. But I'm pretty sure I'd have remembered if they did. I wasn't that far gone into my parent's cult.
And this is what I do. I make excuses for people, my extended family included. They didn't know. My parents were good at hiding it. No they weren't. They were obvious. Or maybe it was because I always stood up for my parents. I never said what was really happening. Still no excuse. Because a caring person listens not just to what the child is saying but what she isn't. Especially if you can see with your own eyes how she's being treated and that she's covering for them. You don't let her fudge reality and except her version. Especially too if you know right from wrong which my extended family surely did.
The family was never on board for my parents' divorce, let alone second marriages and a bunch of kids. And not just because it violated their religious views. They were good, caring people who knew how this would hurt a child. Or so I thought. Now I wonder if it wasn't just because they were embarrassed by how it hurt their reputation. I don't want to believe it because it means I have to accept that literally no one cared about me. But what other explanation is there for why they seemed perfectly fine with all the crazy I was living with?
They knew full well how irresponsible, selfish, arrogant, exploitative, entitled and deviant my parents were. Hell, they'd bailed all four of them out numerous times. They had been victimized too, though nothing like me. Yet they acted like nothing was wrong when it came to me. It's like they thought these awful people were just somehow completely good parents to me. And even if they were victims too, they were adults and I was a child alone.
Sure my extended family were loving and caring. But no one ever acknowledged to me, that what my parents and their partners were doing was wrong. Not one person reached out to help. They just accepted my fake smile at face value either because they were too lazy or unconcerned. They didn't do anything to hurt, but they also didn't do anything to help.
And those omissions spoke louder to me, I see now, than any love or support my family gave. It's gaslighting by silence rather than words. And what it told me was that my parents were right. It was my fault. I was too sensitive and too critical of them. I was the angry, wicked, immoral, disobedient, selfish one. I deserved to be treated like shit. Their lives were blameless, upright and just. It was all happy normal and perfectly okay that I was miserable. The problem was me. And I learned my lessons well.
In some ways, the extended family's abandonment and betrayal of me (and neither are too strong of words) was as bad as or worse than even what my parents did. They clearly didn't love or care for me. But people who really do love you, who ignore how your parents are hurting you do the most damage, I think. You trust and believe them. Their silence implies consent. It validates, excuses and exonerates parental abuse.
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