Hello my friends. Today in my childhood trauma recovery road from narcissistic parent abuse, let's delve into the common question: can a narcissist change to being less arrogant and entitled? To answer that, we have to reframe the question. It's not a matter of CAN change but will and do narcissists ever change. (Answer: rarely to never.) But beyond that, whether they can or do change, is irrelevant for narcissistic abuse victims.
Narcissists can change but don't
Narcissists probably can change their behavior if they wanted to. But they don't want to. It's like the Limu Emu "you can ask but he's not going to." So the translation is, don't count on it. There's nothing to be gained for them, and everything to lose, so no incentive. As it stands, a narcissist holds (or believes he holds) the power differential. His arrogance tells him he's above rules, responsibilities and consequences. That's what his victims are for. He feels entitled to every good thing from others with no reciprocity. He holds others to ridiculous self-made double standards that he doesn't follow and changes on a whim. Why would he give all that up, just to get along with others whom he has so much contempt for?
Arrogance cements narcissism
Change would require humbling himself, or as he sees it, "lowering" himself to the follow the demands he's imposed on others. But he feels arrogantly entitled to special privileges. He isn't just a god, he's THE god, in his tiny mind. He sets exacting, unreachable standards for others and none for himself. There's no low he's not entitled to go to. And conversely nothing anyone does for him is ever good enough. His bulletproof egotism is its own reward and keeps him welded to this delusional narcissistic fantasy.
Zombie Narcissist
But that's nonsense, you're saying. No one else is going to fall for that. Well, yes, maybe if they saw it coming. But the narcissist is one thing above all else, a liar. He's a fake, a fraud, a charlatan, a conman. His M.O. is lie, cheat, steal, take advantage of, exploit, manipulate, twist, deceive, lather rinse repeat. Narcissists aren't real people. They are zombies feeding off other people. The narcissistic and enmeshed parent lives off their child. They're jealous, covetous thieves who demand and steal every good thing from her. Using future faking and trauma bonding, he induces betrayal blindness. What he can't steal he destroys.
Gaslighting FOG of menace
The dark tetrad or malignant narcissist (and they're all malignant if cornered) wields coercive control with gaslighting, intimidation, FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and narcissistic abuse. His narcissistic rage is a force to be reckoned with and it keeps people in his preordained place for them. He threatens not just you but those you love. There is no evil like an enraged narcissist. So hell yes, people comply with his wishes. And if we're childhood trauma survivors we're already groomed to fawning and people pleasing. And the narcissist can smell CPTSD on you like a pheromone and weaponizes it to bully and exploit you. But he is also, always a craven coward.
Narcissistic bullying coward-clown
Bullies know on some level that they are just windbags with all their silly posturing and bravado. But again, their pride keeps them going. This is why they're such shit-stirrers, to keep people destabilized , to prevent them seeing the ludicrous clown under the mask of superiority. But once you do see, and it you're in a place to confront it, where you or someone you love won't be hurt (most of us don't have that luxury), you see how laughably pathetically fragile they are. And that's when narcissistic abuse 2.0 begins.
Narcissists love things and use people
Normal people do it the other way around. And narcissists know and exploit this. They know their victims love or once loved them and they play on this for narcissistic supply. And it's this paradigm shift that they exploit. They know the right words to say to keep you hooked. And hooked is the operative word. Normal people want give and take relationships. Narcissists want loyal, obedient possessions caught, trapped and hanging on a string awaiting their pleasure. And they're master of the long con. But it's all performative virtue signaling bullshit to get their way.
Promise to change is not change
So narcissists don't change because why should they? They're already perfect. And if they're not, why should they have to, they're SPECIAL. Real people rules don't apply to them! But having said that, that doesn't mean a narcissist won't promise to change. They're tacticians and if they see it's in their self-interests to change, they're promise the moon. But they make you pay for it. This is future faking with vengeance. They want you in their clutches. If you share something with them, like children, they will play every dirty trick to keep you in bondage to them. While expecting you to pay them for the privilege.
Vindictive passive-aggressive narcissistic rage
Narcissists may pretend to want to change, but only to buy themselves time. Or because they got caught and now have some music to face. And correction is always taken as a narcissistic insult. They will shame spiral and make you pay. Even though the reason you had to call them out was to stop them hurting you or those you love. Be very careful because a cornered narcissist will wreak havoc in post-separation abuse, blame-shifting, DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender), smear campaigns, mobbing, etc. He will enlist the aid of anyone he can to get even. And if parenting with a dark tetrad narcissist is bad, co-parenting is hell.
Beware the changed narcissist
A narcissist who's been called out, will change but not for the better. They will get more malicious, more devious, more ballistic, more abusive. They will take revenge on you for trying to help them. No good deed goes unpunished. They will blame you for their faults, then flip and say you have to forgive them and then punish you if you do. It is a nasty vicious cycle with them. They will do everything to make you end the relationship and then hold on like barnacles to keep you.
"But he wants to make this work..."
Sure he does, for himself! "This" has been working just fine for him. But "this" means different things to you and him. You want the relationship and both of you, to grow, mature and get closer. And his agenda is for you to keep sacrificing while he just takes and gives nothing. Of course he still "wants you." You're indispensable to his narcissistic fantasy cult. Who else is going to do the heavy lifting? He wants SNAFU (situation normal, all fouled up). He wants to "go back to how things were." So he doesn't want to change himself or for anything to change.
Regardless, to change or not is irrelevant
Narcissistic abuse victims have suffered to much for any hope of changing to matter. It's too late. Fact. Oh the narcissist will shame you, saying word salad like "it's never too late." Or "it's only too late because you SAY it is." Or "you have to forgive me, you OWE it to me" Or "how can I prove I've changed if you don't give me a chance?" All that is gaslighting blame-shifting. If he wanted to change he would have. You're not "preventing" anything. If he's the big bad boss man he says he is, what's stopping him? You've never been able to stop anything he did, so how could you prevent him now? And no you don't have to forgive him, except to accept that the past will never be any different than it was. And that's why change is irrelevant. Some things you can't come back from and save your sanity and the same time.
Oh, and it's perfectly okay for YOU to say when enough is enough. You get to call the shots in your own life, not him.
Give him enough rope
If you still believe he can and wants to change for the better, okay. But make him show and not just tell you how it's gonna be. Step back and watch what happens. If I was a gambler, I'd lay money on him only proving that you were right to step back, cut ties, report him, call the police, in the first place. Once the honeymoon wears off, the arrogant narcissist goes back to his old tricks with even more in his repertoire. Especially if he did jail time. And when he does, note that. See it for what it is. Fake.
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