Hello my friends. Today in my childhood trauma recovery from narcissistic parent abuse, let's delve into the commonly asked question: can a narcissist change to being less arrogant and entitled? To answer that, we have to reframe the question. It's not a matter of CAN but will and do narcissists ever change. (Answer: rarely to never.) But beyond that, whether they can or do change, is irrelevant for narcissistic abuse victims.
Narcissists can change but don't
Narcissists probably can change their behavior if they wanted to. But they don't want to. It's like the Limu Emu "you can ask but he's not going to." So the translation is, don't count on it. There's nothing to be gained for them, and everything to lose, so no incentive. As it stands, a narcissist holds (or believes he holds) the power differential. His arrogance tells him he's above rules, responsibilities and consequences. That's what his victims are for. He feels entitled to every good thing from others with no reciprocity. He holds others to his own ridiculous self-made double standards that he doesn't follow and changes on a whim. Why would he give all that up, just to get along with others whom he has so much contempt for?
Arrogance cements narcissism
Change would require the narcissist humbling himself, or as he sees it, "lowering" himself and living like a mere mortal. It would mean following not just the demands he's imposed on others, but also the real world demands. But he feels arrogantly entitled to special privileges. He believes that he has buy in and a say on everything, that everything anyone else does or says must be run past him as comptroller. He isn't just a god, he's THE god, in his narrow mind. He sets exacting, unreachable standards for others and none for himself. There's no low he's not entitled to go to. And conversely nothing anyone does for him is ever good enough. His bulletproof egotism is its own reward and keeps him welded to this delusional narcissistic fantasy.
Zombie Narcissist
But that's nonsense, you're saying. No one else is going to fall for that. Well, yes, maybe if they saw it coming. But the narcissist is one thing above all else, a liar. He's a fake, a fraud, a charlatan, a conman. His M.O. is lie, cheat, steal, take advantage of, exploit, manipulate, twist, deceive, lather rinse repeat. Narcissists aren't real people. They are zombies feeding off other people. And they hide in plain sight behind crafted personas. His fake ID is part of his scam. The narcissistic and enmeshed parent lives off their child. They're jealous, covetous thieves who demand and steal every good thing from her. Using future faking and trauma bonding, they induce betrayal blindness. What they can't steal they destroy.
Gaslighting FOG of menace
The dark tetrad or malignant narcissist (and they're all malignant if cornered) wields coercive control with gaslighting, intimidation, FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and narcissistic abuse. His narcissistic rage is a force to be reckoned with and it keeps people in his preordained place for them. He threatens not just you but those you love. There is no evil like an enraged narcissist. So hell yes, people comply with his fantasy. If we're childhood trauma survivors we're already groomed to fawning and people pleasing. And the narcissist can smell CPTSD on you like a pheromone and weaponizes it to bully and exploit you. But he is also, always a craven coward.
Narcissistic bullying coward-clown
Bullies know on some level that they are just windbags with all their silly posturing and bravado. But again, their pride tells them they float like a Macy's parade balloon above us all. This is why they're such shit-stirrers, to keep people destabilized, to prevent them seeing the ludicrous clown under the mask of superiority. But once you do see how laughably pathetically fragile they are, and the narcissist knows you see, watch out. Narcissistic injury (not real injury, butthurt wounded pride) and the resulting narcissistic rage, are unholy terrors to live with. And God help you if you call them out. That's when narcissistic abuse 2.0 begins.
Narcissists love things and use people
Normal people do it the other way around. And narcissists know and exploit this. They know their victims love or once loved them and they play on this for narcissistic supply. And it's this paradigm shift that they exploit with love-bombing and breadcrumbing. But don't be fooled by any seemingly loving gestures. Because there's a devalue and discard phase lurking right behind it. They know the right words to say to keep you hooked. And hooked is the operative word. Normal people want give and take relationships. Narcissists want loyal, obedient possessions caught, trapped and hanging on a string awaiting their pleasure. And they're master of the long con. I knew a husband who played his wife for 35 years. She believed him not because she was gullible but because she loved him. And love might be the biggest thing they exploit. But they wouldn't know love if they fell in it. All they know is performative virtue signaling bullshit to get their way.
Promise to change is not change
It's future faking. Narcissists don't change because why should they? They're already perfect. And if they're not, why should they have to change? They're SPECIAL, remember? Real people rules don't apply to them! But having said that, that doesn't mean a narcissist won't promise to change. They're tacticians and if they see it's in their self-interests to seem to want to change, they'll promise the moon. But they make you pay for it. This is future faking with vengeance. They want you in their clutches. If you share something with them, like children, they will play every dirty trick to keep you in bondage to them. While expecting you to thank them for the privilege.
Vindictive passive-aggressive narcissistic rage
Narcissists may pretend to want to change to buy themselves time. Or because they got caught and now have some music to face. And correction is always taken as a narcissistic insult. They will shame spiral and blame you. Even though the reason you had to call them out was to stop them hurting you or those you love. Be very careful doing that because a cornered narcissist will wreak havoc in post-separation abuse, blame-shifting, DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender), smear campaigns, family mobbing, and violence. He will plot his revenge behind the veneer of charm, then exact it just when you are most vulnerable. He will enlist the aid of anyone he can to get even. And if parenting with a dark tetrad narcissist is bad, co-parenting is hell.
Beware the changed narcissist
A narcissist who's been called out, will change but not for the better. They will get more malicious, more devious, more ballistic, more batshit, more abusive. They will take revenge on you for trying to help them. No good deed goes unpunished. They will blame you for their faults, then flip and say you have to forgive them and then punish you if you do. It is a nasty vicious cycle of abuse that keeps on giving. They will do everything to make you end the relationship and then hold on like barnacles to keep you.
What you must do is keep your eyes wide open. Don't listen, watch them. Now's the time for show, not tell.
"But he wants to make this work..."
Sure he does, for himself! "This" has been working just fine for him. But "this" means different things to you and him. You want the relationship and both of you, to grow, mature and get closer. And his agenda is to keep you sacrificing while he just takes and gives nothing. Of course he still "wants you." You're indispensable to his narcissistic fantasy cult. Who else is going to do the heavy lifting? He wants SNAFU (situation normal, all fouled up). He wants to "go back to how things were." So he doesn't want to change himself or for anything to change. He wants you to keep pretzeling yourself till you're thoroughly used up.
Regardless, to change or not is irrelevant
Narcissistic abuse victims have suffered too much for any hope of change to matter. It's too late. Fact. Oh the narcissist will shame you, saying word salad like "it's never too late." Or "it's only too late because you SAY it is." Or "you have to forgive me, you OWE it to me" Or "how can I prove I've changed if you don't give me a chance?" All that is gaslighting and blame-shifting. If he wanted to change he would have. You're not "preventing" anything. If he's the big bad boss man he says he is, what's stopping him? You've never been able to make him do anything, so how could you prevent him now? And no you don't have to forgive him, except in radical acceptance that the past will never be any different than it was. And that's why change is irrelevant. Some things you can't come back from and save your sanity and the same time. The damage is done.
Oh, and it's perfectly okay for YOU to say when enough is enough. You get to call the shots in your own life, not him.
Give him enough rope
If you still believe he can and wants to change for the better, well, tread carefully. And make him show and not just tell you how it's gonna be. Step back and watch what happens. And when he starts dictating terms as he eventually will, hear that he is doing it again. If I was a gambler, I'd lay money on him only proving that you were right to step back, cut ties, report him, call the police, in the first place. Once the honeymoon wears off, the arrogant narcissist goes back to his old tricks with even more in his repertoire. Especially if he did jail time. Or spends any time in the toxic masculinity cray-cray of the incel universe or manosphere. Those dudes are absolutely demented. And when he does revert to his old ways (it won't take long), note that. See it for what it is. Fake.
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