Hello my friends. Today on my path to childhood trauma recovery from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm exploring the hypocrisy that religion and society feeds us. We traumatized kids are told we owe a duty of care to our aging enmeshed narcissist parents. But what they fail to account for, is that we have been caring for them all our lives and they have never cared for us. If this resonates, if you're sick of the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) over what you supposedly owe them, hang on. Cuz we're gonna do some myth-busting about that "duty of care" and who owes and who doesn't.
Neglectful AND needy-wanty parents
It's ironic how often the most demanding, expectational parents were also the most neglectful and exploitative of their kids. That's because abusive, enmeshed parents start out as they mean to continue, using the child as a prop, a tool, a slave, a parent (parentification) and a source of narcissistic supply. And they keep doing it throughout the child's life. There never was any reciprocity with narcissistic parents and there never will be. It's just take, steal, demand, expect with them and give, roll over for, tolerate and be abused, for the child.
Deprivation, gaslighting and brain damage
In healthy families, there's a balance. The kids are cared for and then very often (not always and they don't have to) they care for their parents appropriately as they begin to age and need help. Good parents don't expect "paybacks. We don't bring up what we're entitled to. We don't think like that. But for kids abused by narcissistic parents, it's all one-sided with all good coming to them, with no payout coming from them. They strategically deprive the child of very basic needs then gaslight and confuse her that this is normal. Or that it's her fault in some way. The chaos of cognitive dissonance causes brain damage with lowers resistance and resilience and makes her more vulnerable to abuse, which they exploit. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Brain damage from abuse further victimizes us
The gaslit child grows into a befuddling adult who literally doesn't know right from wrong. We are trauma bonded and think it's fine for our parents to have used and abused us. That's what they indoctrinated us to believe. We have betrayal blindness and pretty much only operate on childhood trauma responses, of people pleasing and fawning, rather than healthy interaction. This makes us so vulnerable to further narcissistic abuse, especially by our parents. It sets a pattern of being taken advantage of and not seeing it.
The FOG and DARVO traps
Enmeshed narcissistic parents have a line of bullshit a mile long. They spin fairytales of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt)-- enumerating all we "owe" them because of all they "did for us." Our betrayal blindness silences any clear recall about how they never did for us, except harm. They were never there for us. They abused, neglected, abandoned, endangered, dehumanized, scapegoated, enslaved and exploited us. But because we are so run down by abuse we don't have the energy to fight back. We can't see clearly how we've always done for them and they never did for us. We keep them full up on narcissistic supply because it's dangerous not to. We believe their DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender) lies which tell us we are the problem. And how we must spend ourselves making it up to them.
Duty of care delusion
On top of all this pain, there's the way religion and society pressures us. In a reciprocal world, people help each other. But we were never on the receiving, only giving end of care. So our duty of care never ends. If we mention this imbalance, we're told "life isn't fair. Suck it up. She's your mom. He's your dad. Be the bigger person." And all this hypocritical hogwash. Hogwash, you note, these "blind guides" never live up to. Because blind guides give unsolicited advice (gaslighting) but they don't follow it. They're free with "shoulding" and stingy with doing. They're generous with your income, support, home, resources and cheap with theirs. They want to put your money where their mouth is.
On the Myth of "Duty of Care"
"We traumatized kids are told we owe a duty of care to our aging enmeshed narcissist parents. But what they fail to account for is that we have been caring for them all our lives and they have never cared f
or us."
The never-ending obligations
My mother expects 24/7/365 care. I'm not exaggerating. She doesn't need it. She can walk, talk, hear, navigate. She just fakes she can't for pity and attention. Before I "got sober" from her, she'd guilt me into taking her to the doctor. She did not need a ride and was perfectly capable of driving herself. But mother requires an entourage wherever she goes. She takes it as an ego injury if you don't wait on her. Also, she gets far less pity mileage just going to the doctor alone. She can't play her little game of "poor me, can't hear, can't walk, can't think for myself." No one realizes how special she is so she has to fend for herself. So, being used to being in mother's service, I fell for it.
No good deed goes unpunished
And entitlement only gets worse the more you keep paying out. It was like watching a quick change artist, in slow motion. Mother expects dutiful daughter to shepherd her along, hovering lest mommy trip and fall. That's true. She actually says she does it. She once told me how she would walk into traffic unless her other (more subservient) daughter pulls her back. Mom has been a Munchhausen's (Factitious Disorder) and Munchausen's by Proxy before there were terms for it. Now you might be tempted to say, oh poor mom and blame dementia. And she'd agree with you if she thought she could get something out of it. She does not have dementia. She fakes it. The fact that she knows she's PURPOSELY WALKING INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC demonstrates how far she'll go for attention. And she's been doing this for decades. I once walked downtown with her and she looked right at me and started out into traffic. I didn't do anything to stop her. I called her bluff which I know was a risk. (actually I wasn't purposely trying to out her. I just forgot this little trick she plays.) But she stopped and stepped back, then got angry with me for not pulling her back like her golden child does. What she was, was pissed off that she got caught in her shenanigans.
The Doctor Debacle
And if she's bad on a walk, you should see her at the doctor. Mom was always an exhibitionist "pick me." She was full-on sexy vamp, plus pretty baby, plus preachy church lady. It was exhausting to be her child. Now that she's older, she figures if she can't be the sexiest in the room, she'll be the most pathetic. She feign deafness and incapacity as it suits her. As her supporting case, you must translate for (she speaks the language, she just pretends not to understand) answer for her and patiently explain basic things. She's capable. She just plays the role for attention and to make daughter appear cold-hearted if she doesn't carry mother like a helpless infant. They'll call her name and she'll look up, start to get up, then remember she "can't hear, look down again and put this imbecilic expression her face, waiting for you to tell her they called her. And we haven't even made it past the damn waiting room.
At this appointment, a nurse asked her if she'd had breakfast (I had not because I had to rush out to get her there, but I digress). Anyway mom pulled her little trout pout, lower lip trembling, side-eyed me and said she couldn't remember. In this galling fragile voice. She'd eaten. She takes good care of herself. But it gets her more pity cred to make it look like daughter dearest had failed to "feed mom." (A grown ass woman perfectly able to feed herself.) The nurse scolded me and said I needed to take mother out to lunch immediately afterwards. Boy did mom preen after that. I literally watched her face go from piteous to smug "gotcha."
Note to healthcare staff: please be wary of dispensing advice or falling for your patient's version of events. You don't know the full story. Be mindful that this can make the child caregiver's already difficult life, worse.
The ickiest part
But there's more to mom's posing than just weaponized incompetence. There's a sick, sexual side to her which proves her dark tetrad nature. I thought we were there for a routine check. But come to find out, mom (a 75 y/o woman) wanted sex advice from the doctor. She snapped at me that "you won't want to hear this but I just have to ask." Which is true. I never wanted to hear all her gross sex talk, that I've been hearing since I was 8. I was her sex therapist and she spared no gory detail. Now what the doctor should have said was, how about you wait outside. I should have excused myself. But you know, fawning and people pleasing...Anyway, she launched into this weird discussion about how she wants to please her husband but can't handle sex because "he's so coarse." Blech. We both explained other methods which she (who was always free with favors) pretended not to understand. Finally I said "bl-wj-b, mom!" And she smirked her facetious narcissistic smirk of "gotcha." It was then I realized mom gets narcissistic supply humiliating me and making me feel uncomfortable. She actually feels self-righteous egging someone on to be "rude, crude and lewd" as she puts it. She sets them up, then laughs when they fall for it. That won't happen again. I'm done being her sex toy.
What about if they "really need" you?
Therein lies the way they maintain control over you. Because the older someone gets, arguably the more help they need. I say arguably because 1) narcissists are very "needy" (translation: wanty) all their lives. 2) They feel entitled to your resources but are selfish with theirs when you need something. 3) They play by double standard two sets of rule. It's family does for family when they want something and business transaction when you need something. 4) your needs were called selfish wants and their selfish wants are called needs. You are a better judge of what they need from you than they are. Bottom line, they may actually need legitimate help but it's not your responsibility to provide it. My mom would come over to get something from me then leave when it came to her reciprocity. She'd say she "had to get home to her family." Well, now that she's older, we play the family card back on her. When she comes with her hand out (the only reason she comes over) we turn out empty pockets. You have a family to get home to. Let them help you. And when she plays the pity card about how her second husband left her. Well, you effed around and now you are finding out. People get sick of playing bit parts in your show. Petty? Nope. Reality. And if she ends up truly stranded, well shouldn't have cried wolf so often. If that's cold-hearted, so be it.
I can quit anytime I want
Thanks to my loving husband, I began to see that gaslighting, the humiliation, the set ups, the exploitation for what they were. And the flying monkeys, be they in the church, family, psychologist's chair, can keep their advice for themselves. I don't owe care to those who never cared for me. None of my parents EVER WAS a parent to me. I was always their parent, possession, spouse, surrogate, scapegoat and servant. And I can continue to serve pro bono and non-gratis. I can continue to pay the doormat tax (thank you Dr. Ramani for that term). Or I can stop. I chose to go no contact and stop.
Not as sure as I'd like, but surer than I was
Some of my bluster now is whistling past the cemetery. I'm not as brave as I may sound nor as bold as I may look. I'm vulnerable to old gaslighting voices in my head. I second-guess myself on going no contact. But I'm also the most free and authentic that I've ever been. I see clearly now the gaslighting fog has lifted. I feel relieved, like a self-flagellating backpack full of rocks has been been lifted from my broken shoulders. It still hurts with a ghost pain that may be with me for life. But I will proceed. Once you see their abuse, you can never unsee it.
Not the popular option but the necessary one.
If you go no contact as I have, don't expect praise. Prepare for the blame-shifting shame society heaps on us. But also see it for what it is. They don't and won't get us. They never have. They are just repeating unhelpful nonsense. And remember, these are often the same people who stood by and held the coats of your persecutors. They say how you were being treated and played dumb. So their voices now are just clanging cymbals you can feel free to ignore. When the hakken-kraks howl, stand tall in your shoes. Keep moving and if you can't move forward at least don't go back. I see and hear you. I'll hold space for you because you really do "got this."
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