Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal CPTSD from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm considering all they stole from me. Necessary things that every kid has a right to. These were stupid, senseless thefts because they are things only I can use and that are of no use to them, and yet, they steal them anyway. I'm taking inventory of all the things I don't have and all the gaps where critical things should be that aren't. Because I was denied, deprived and of them or had them removed from me by four very arrogant, selfish narcissistic people who I called parent. Here's a partial list of things they took.
My self. Seriously, they took away my identity by enmeshing themselves in me and coercing me into roles they had no business making me fill. Like surrogate spouse and parent, to each of them and to all their successive children, and servant to their "families" which I was also excluded from. And scapegoat for all their self-created stupidity. So that I didn't know I existed as a fully separate individual. I only knew what I was expected to be. And then not even that because their double standard rules changed constantly.
My ideas and opinions. Because I was deprived of identity, I also was made to know that I wasn't allowed to have any thoughts outside of theirs. The asinine old saying "when I want your opinion, I'll give it to you" pretty much summed up my life in narcissist parents' regimen. It was expected that I would think for, about and like them constantly. My every thought was to be "what does Jack want?" and also "what would Jack think of this?" and also "what burden can I carry for Jack so that he can coast irresponsibly through life? Like I was his indulgent mother and duty-bound child and his possession. All of which are complete contradictions and impossible to do one of, let alone all three. That's the hypocrisy of both infantilizing and parentifying a child.
My childhood. And now multiply that by FOUR arrogant narcissist parents all expecting whatever they wanted of me, simultaneously. AND add to my list of obligations their five successive kids who I was beholden to as well. Imagine my utter bafflement. How can one person parent nine kids let alone if four of them are adults who are supposed to be parenting her?? AND who also boss her around and treat her like unpaid staff. They wanted all the perks of parenthood (or what narcissist parents believe are perks) like control over ownership of and dogged loyalty from the kid, but did none of the actual work of parenting.
My ability to expect. I didn't live in a home but a store. Every little thing had a giant price tag. You want a place to sleep? You'll have to bunk up with the babies because we don't feel like taking care of them. They waved things in my face like "we feed and clothe you, so now you have to..." No you didn't actually do any of those consistently or well. You made me homeless many times. And a tent or squatting with other people or sleeping on an unheated porch hardly counts as a roof over my head. The dog ate better than me. And you enumerate these things as if they're enormous favors you did me and not just what parents have to do. And funnily enough, you don't rub this in your other kids' faces.
My ability to want and need without shame. I defer to others all the time because I was taught that wanting and needing was for other people to do and me to fulfill for them. I was scolded for asking for things. So I quit asking and needing and wanting. I just surrendered all that to them. And oh did they weaponize God. There is no gaslighting like religious gaslighting. God expected me to be a servant. I was property. Just me. Not any of them. Self-care was selfish. For me. They quoted scripture at me as if applied only to me. I never stopped to notice that the quoters weren't living anything the Bible said. Till the scales fell off and wowza did I see how ungodly selfish, arrogant, immoral, entitled, manipulative and exploitative they were. But it's too late now. I still can't do for myself without feeling really guilty.
My understanding of my right to be me. Which is kind of like identity theft but more. With gaslighting, reinventing reality, indoctrinating me in their deluded self-serving cults, they confused me about basic things. Like the fact that we are all born individuals, regardless of what deceptions they want to spin. You literally cannot take a person's personhood. But I didn't know that because being for other people was all I was ever allowed or taught to do.
My boundaries. I don't mean the figurative kind. I literally mean the perimeter of me that separates me from the rest of the universe. I have often said that I don't know where others stop and I begin. It's like I'm a gas with no shape of my own. And a lot of people in my life didn't respect where I began and they ended either. They blatantly stole, lied, cheated, gate-crashed and usurped from me. My mother once barged right into my husband's and my bedroom, while we slept, demanding to be fed. My dad brought his dog INTO MY HOUSE and let him attack my cat. Who later died of his injuries. They have no more respect for me than the carpet they on which they tread. They've gotten so used to plowing me under they do it without thinking. When it would actually be easier to walk around, they walk over. And grind their heels in my face.
The deed to me. They own me, they think. They don't. It's impossible to own a person. Yet they've deluded themselves so long they've begun to believe their own lies. I was their property, like a dish. And so they use and abuse as it suits them. Notice I don't make the parallel to being owned like an arm. They would never hurt themselves the way they hurt me. And I've gotten so accustomed to it I don't question why I let them. In fact, I let anyone ride herd and take what they want as I watch helplessly like a little ghost in the corner. Unseen, unheard. Needless to say, life was a shitshow of shit that happened that shouldn't have and good stuff that should have, that didn't.
A clear deed to me. I didn't own the deed to my life but I sure paid on it. I believed because I was told that I came into this world inheriting all their debts. That I was born to pay endlessly into their coffers. I was taxed for being. And I was never given a damn receipt for any of it. The debts just mounted higher no matter how much I paid. I was never able o take the things I bought and paid for. It's like making payments for a lifetime on a house you can never move into. I did not know that children aren't under obligation to anyone, least of all, their parents. But parents are under contract to their kids. They signed up when they had me. I see confident people all around me who seem to get this. They may or may not be giving but when they do, it's not out of some misplaced idea of indebtedness like me.
You know what pisses me off the most? These are such cruel, senseless things to steal from a child. What do they want with them anyway? Her needs, wants, life, self are no good to you. You're one person. You can't use them. Only she can. It's not like you can move into a kid and possess her. But in a way, that's exactly what they managed to do. They pirated me and coercively controlled everything with their lies and twisted reality. Gaslighting and brainwashing are extremely effective tools when used on a child who knows no other way. It's going to take a lot of fumigating to get rid of all the toxic gas they poisoned me with. I don't expect to be able to cleanse most of it, if I'm honest. There's just too much damage. But I will keep scrubbing.
I owe my future generations a healthier me and I owe it to me, too.
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