Hi friends. Today in my quest to heal from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm going to share some kinds of people and pitfalls that have tripped me up so we can all learn what to avoid on our recovery journey. Some of these traps seem and may even be innocent enough. But our dangerous to our trauma brain nevertheless. Others are just flat out purposeful stumbling blocks set by antagonistic people to sabotage our wellbeing. (Hint: think malignant narcissists much like the very people whose treatment of us, we're trying to heal from.)
The feigned friend. Do you know anyone who claims to be your friend yet makes you uncomfortable? They fake sincere compassion so you tell them things which you then find out they gossiped about. Or they say mean things that hurt but because they're "nice and friendly" you figure you just misunderstood or they didn't mean it that was or some other auto-gaslighting. They use the guise of friendship to get what they want. Once when I snapped at one of my kids (because I was pregnant, exhausted and burned to a crisp emotionally), my would-be friend seized on my low to say sarcastically "you think it's hard with four kids, wait till you have five." I never found out because I lost that baby. But I did learn a lot about ex-friend that day.
The faker taker. Being told that self-care was selfish, we traumatized kids are very vulnerable to being played. Our hearts are too big and our arms too open. With people like this, we find to late that they don't care about us, just themselves. They're only interested in what they get from us. And they know how to use guilt to get it. So often, I've fooled myself into thinking that a friend was helping me. She wasn't just was just using me.
The friendly neighborhood fix-it man. This person seems nice and helpful. They seem to care because they want to fix. But they don't want to aid the situation they want to fix you. They are avuncular, patronizing, infantilizing, condescending and VERY invalidating. You can't do anything without them, their approval, and pretty soon, if you're in their clutches long enough, their permission. They leverage your childhood suffering, abuse and neglect (!) to get narcissistic supply. Think Ibsen's "Doll House."
The social climber. These are the folks who one-up everything you do, success or failure. They're the story toppers. If you succeed, they diminish it. They get ahead by leaving you behind. Ever notice how when you're down, they're up? And when you're up, they're down? Because they literally are. They climb you like a ladder. They ascend up your failure to make themselves look taller. And they descend down your success for pity and attention.
The brave "truth" teller. This one also goes by "I'm just saying" or "I say what other people are too afraid to tell you." Or I'm just brutally honest." Nope. They're just honestly brutes. Hear and heed what they are really saying. It's not true it's their agenda. They don't speak for others, they just want you to think they do so you'll feel whatever bad thing they want you to feel. Usually ashamed or humiliated or foolish. And no, they aren't "just saying." They're mocking, gaslighting and shaming. They are tiny sadists who like hurt people for fun and personal gain. Run, don't walk away from them.
The clairvoyant currier. This one takes "truth" teller nuclear. He proclaims to actually read your mind and motives, to know you better than you know yourself. Not only does he speak for "everyone" he does so ex cathedra. God evidently appointed him mouthpiece, to tell you what you need to hear. You should be grateful he deigns to read your mind and save you from whatever terrible thing you're supposedly doing.
God's little KGB agent. These people have a self-appointed mission which they will gaslight you is from God, to weasel wickedness and sin. In people. NOT in themselves. Their fact finding mission is a cover for their own very flawed selves. And they only find what they go looking for. Oddly they never really uncover really big issues (like cheating, scamming, lying, cruelty, abuse, child neglect, endangerment). They never see those because they don't go looking.
The blind guide. See also hypocrite, double standards, Pharisee. These people do exactly what they preach against. Arrogantly, blatantly. And with the same breath, they'll castigate you for what you very likely aren't even doing. It just makes a good blind for them.
The deaf diviner. This is the one who, after you've just poured your heart out (don't do this with any of these folks), proves they weren't listening (or were listening for what they could weaponize) by completely twisting it around. They make snap judgements without knowing any of the facts. They bypass trial going right to indictment. Like the KGB agent, they claim special God-ordained powers of divination that require no thought.
The showman. These people have no love. Just arrogance. My dad believed that, despite being functionally illiterate beyond a few basic Bible verses, with no training, knowledge, research, study or preparation, he could just open his mouth and wisdom would come out. And everyone should flock to hear him. He would walk into unfamiliar churches and just stand there waiting to be ushered up to the pulpit to preach. It's so embarrassing it hurts.
The sting agents. These people make it their mission to "out" other people. They collect intel and ferret out dirt. They plant evidence. They set up gotcha traps that you fall into. My mother and her husband who are both pathological liars claim they can always "spot" liars without them even saying anything. Well, it takes one to know one. They are also corrupt bent coppers, doing this to help no one but themselves. They exploit, extort and blackmail. ESPECIALLY to their kids, their little fall girls. You only find out later that no one of the shit they "had on" you was true. But it was a very accurate portrayal of them.
But you don't know until their brain damaging of you is done. You thought they were your parents who loved you. Ha. More fool you. They were your downfall and doom. And you're left bruised and confused. How do we not see them for who they are? Traumatized kids have a bad habit of believing what people say rather than what they do. We think they mean well even when they clearly show us otherwise. Because we were groomed ignore warning signs.
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