Hi friends. Today in my quest to heal from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm going to out some people that have tripped me up so we can all learn what to avoid on our recovery journey. Some of these human traps seem innocent enough. But our trauma brain says something is wrong. Listen to that. These innocuous seeming people put up purposeful stumbling blocks to sabotage our wellbeing. (Hint: think malignant narcissists much like the very people whose treatment of us, we're trying to heal from.)
The feigned friend. Do you know anyone who claims to be your friend yet makes you uncomfortable? They fake sincere compassion so you tell them things which you then find out they gossiped about. Or they say mean things that hurt but because they're "nice and friendly" you figure you just misunderstood. Or they didn't mean it that way or some other auto-gaslighting. They use the guise of friendship to get what they want. Once when I snapped at one of my kids (because I was pregnant, exhausted and burned to a crisp emotionally), my would-be friend seized on my low to say sarcastically "you think it's hard with four kids, wait till you have five." I never found out because I lost that baby. But I did learn a lot about ex-friend that day.
The faker taker. Being told that self-care was selfish, we traumatized kids are very vulnerable to being played. Our hearts are too big and our arms too open. We are easy prey to weaponized vulnerability. I recall meeting a woman with four children who seemed to want friendship but she had a sob story a mile long. I actually saw clearly what she was, but my trauma heart felt guilty about turning her away. I ended up giving her more than I could afford. And instead of being grateful, she complained and demanded more. And then had more kids she couldn't care for. With people like this, we find too late that they don't care about us, just themselves. They're only interested in what they get from us. And they know how to use guilt to get it. So often, I've fooled myself into thinking that a friend was helping me. She wasn't just was just using me.
The friendly neighborhood fix-it man. This person seems nice and helpful. They seem to care because they want to fix. But they don't want to aid the situation they want to fix you so they can be seen as some kind of hero savior. They are avuncular, patronizing, infantilizing, condescending and VERY invalidating. They put down everything you do on your own initiative. You can't do anything without them, their approval, and pretty soon, if you're in their clutches long enough, their permission. They leverage your childhood suffering, abuse and neglect (!) to get narcissistic supply. Think Ibsen's "Doll House." I had a chiropractor like this. His shaming and invalidating pushed me damn near over the edge and it took me decades to get him out of my head.
The social climber. These are the folks who one-up (or down) everything you do, success or failure. They're the story toppers. If you succeed, they diminish it. They get ahead by leaving you behind. Ever notice how when you're down, they're up? And when you're up, they're down? Because they literally are. They climb you like a ladder. They ascend up your failure to make themselves look taller. And they descend down your success for pity and attention. Oh poor Janice how dare you share something good when she is obviously having such a rough time? Janice wasn't having a bad time until she heard you were doing well. Then she became the most pitiful thing in the room. I felt so much guilt over shit like this.
The brave "truth" teller. This one also goes by "I'm just saying" or "I say what everyone thinks but is too afraid to tell you." Or I'm just brutally honest." Nope. They're just honestly brutes. Hear and heed what they are really saying. It's not true it's their agenda. They don't speak for others, they just want you to think they do so you'll feel whatever bad thing they want you to feel. Usually ashamed or humiliated or foolish. And no, they aren't "just saying." They're mocking, gaslighting and shaming. They are tiny minded sadists who like hurt people for fun and personal gain. Run, don't walk away from them.
The clairvoyant currier. This one takes "truth" teller nuclear. He proclaims to actually read your mind and motives, to know you better than you know yourself. Not only does he speak for "everyone" he does so ex cathedra. God evidently appointed him mouthpiece, to tell you all the bad things about you "for your own good." You should be grateful he deigns to read your mind and save you from whatever terrible thing you're supposedly doing. Learn to see the red flags this bullshitter waves.
God's little KGB agent. These people have a self-appointed mission which they will gaslight you is from God, to weasel out wickedness and sin. In other people. NOT in themselves. Their fact finding mission is a cover for their own very flawed selves. And they only find what they go looking for. Oddly they never really uncover really big issues (like cheating, scamming, lying, cruelty, abuse, child neglect, endangerment). They never see those because they don't go looking. Or they want to cover them up.
The blind guide. See also hypocrite, double standards, Pharisee. These people do exactly what they preach against. Arrogantly, blatantly. And with the same breath, they'll castigate you for what you very likely aren't even doing. It just makes a good blind for them. And if you flush them out, they'll cry victim.
The deaf diviner. This is the one who, after you've just poured your heart out (don't do this with any of these folks), proves she wasn't listening (or was listening for what she could exploit) by completely twisting it around. They make snap judgements without knowing any of the facts. They bypass trial going right to execution. Like the KGB agent, they claim special God-ordained powers of divination that require no thought. They get it all wrong but you don't know that because you are used to believing other people know more than you.
The oversensitive insensitive. This one is audaciously unkind. He will go out of his way to humiliate you publicly. He can never say a kind thing to or about you. And thinks his cruelty is funny. And calls it "speaking his mind" and sometimes even speaking God's mind. For your own good, mind you. And if you respond in any way, you're "too sensitive." BUT he's the only one entitled to be nasty. If you say even the most innocent of thing to him that he chooses to take wrong, he goes into a narcissistic rage and DARVO's all over the place.
The shaming showoff. These people have no love. Just arrogance. My dad believed that, despite being functionally illiterate beyond a few basic Bible verses, with no training, knowledge, research, study or preparation, he could just open his mouth and wisdom would come out. And everyone should flock to hear him. He would walk into unfamiliar churches and just stand there waiting to be ushered up to the pulpit to preach. Or play his violin which he did very theatrically. And then called me the attention-seeking showoff. Which I also believed and let hold me back from using my talents.
The agent provocateur. These people make it their calling to "out" other people. They collect intel and ferret out dirt, the majority of which is exaggerated or flat out lies. They plant evidence. They set up gotcha traps just to "expose" people. My mother and her husband who are both pathological liars claim they can always "spot" liars without them even saying anything. Well, it takes one to know one. They are also corrupt bent coppers who do this specifically to bring people down. They exploit, extort and blackmail. ESPECIALLY their kids, their little fall girls. You only find out later that none of what they "had on" you was true. But it was a curiously very accurate portrayal of them when you recall that they did these things regularly. But they're so loud it's hard to drown them out.
Why do we trust these snakes in the grass? Because you don't see until you get some distance between you. The longer you stay connected the more they brainwash. And they are so damn malignant, brainwashing a little child who they are supposed to protect. You thought they were your parents who loved you. Ha. More fool you. They were your downfall and doom. And you're left bruised and confused. Traumatized kids have a bad habit of believing what people say rather than what they do. We think they mean well even when they clearly show us otherwise. That's why I said initially that they may seem innocent. Because we were groomed ignore warning signs that healthy people know to watch for.
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