Hello my friends. To heal CPTSD from a lifetime of abuse and neglect by four narcissistic parents, I've started writing a series on normal things dark tetrad (narcissistic, entitled, manipulative, cruel) parents fubar for their kids. Today I'm exploring weird things CPTSD makes me think, feel and do. And to do that, I'm going to try to paint you a picture of what it's like in the mind of a person with CPTSD. I don't know to what extent others' experience these things because I only know what it's like in mine and what others' who identify as emotionally abused have said they experience.
A quick note (because the flying monkeys in my head are shouting). If you're here to pooh-pooh, invalidate, undermine or minimize, move on. This blog is not for you and you are not for me. If you're tempted to dismiss it with a patronizing "oh we all feel that way sometimes." Again, move on. Obviously I didn't get to be 60 years old and not realize that. What I'm talking about is not occasional, episodic or temporary. These ARE my mind ALL the time. If it seems exaggerated or made up, well, all I can say is I wish. If you have toxic positive advice, such as just pray about it, please don't assume I haven't. Go preach to yourself. You haven't lived my life. All this crap resides rent free in my head because of gaslighting scorn and shame like this. I'm trying to get it out and don't need more.
Now, if you really want to help or if you need help with things like this, read on. Here are words that describe the mind of a victim of narcissistic dark tetrad abuse. I feel consistently
disoriented, dazed and confused. My mind and memory are foggy. My nightmares are clearer than real life and I have more dream memory than actual memory. I act and think in hypnotic, trance-like, sometimes robotic ways. I'm on autopilot too much of the time. This, I've learned is a CPTSD symptom. I'm exhausted from the constant chaos and I lived in. I struggle to rest at night from resulting nightmares. My brain is damaged by continual flooding of cortisol and anxiety-induced adrenaline. I don't act naturally, I just trauma respond with fawn, freeze, fix, flight and occasionally, fight.
afraid nearly constantly. I notice when I relax because it happens so rarely. And sometimes I don't even know what it is. I don't move out of the path of pain because I'm so used to it. Even simple things like adjusting an uncomfortable shoe to be more comfortable, I don't do. I don't notice pain until it's screaming. And then I can't get it under control. I am used to hurting everywhere. It's as if I must constantly mortify my flesh. And I've done it so much that it takes more and more to get my attention. And I still don't fix it. I'm jumpy and nervous. I apologize too much. When someone snaps at me to do something, no matter how rude they say it, I instantly comply and apologize. I can't stand people being mad at me and expect that they are.
like an imposter, dressed in costume, in a masquerade. I feel fake, inauthentic, disingenuous. Like if people saw the real me, they'd be disgusted and abandon me. Life feels imaginary, illusory, like a fantasy and not a good one. I often feel as if I'm living in a parallel universe or in the negative of a picture, where everything is reversed, upended and ass-backwards. I feel like I'm behind a two-way mirror. I can see everyone and no one can see me. Or rather everyone can see me and I can see no one. And no one hears me either no matter how loud I yell.
twisted and bent out of true. I get a lot of strange looks because I look and act so strange. I make odd, tense, facial gestures. I clamp my mouth down so tightly that I get headaches. I grimace, frown and furrow my brow weirdly. It looks, because I've seen myself randomly in mirrors, like I'm angry. I'm not. I don't even know I'm doing it. I'm not angry just braced for assault. I'm clamping my teeth to keep from screaming in pain.
like I've had a series of TIAs. My speech is slurred and my communication broken. It's like I have a language barrier. I can't formulate sentences and often have trouble thinking of simple words. I get vague ideas that I can't put into words. Words and concepts I used to know have fallen out of my brain. I transpose words, use the wrong word and say the opposite of what I mean. People close to me have to learn to translate what I say. I can't think straight. My writing is shaky and I can't even form letters. It's a bit like having had a stroke.
There's more but that's all I have energy to write about for now.
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