Dark tetrads commit all 7 deadly sins and break all 10 commandments

Hello friends. So this is kind of a working title because I'm still in the formulative phase of a theory on what is the root problem with dark tetrads. I believe (and can prove) that they are the embodiment of all seven deadly sins. And they commit all 10 commandments, in pursuit of these selfish ambitions that their sinful natures drive them to. Because, as I see it, the seven deadly sins and 10 commandments are interconnected, each stemming from and\or causing the other. 

First, what are the seven deadly sins? Pride, envy, gluttony, greed, lust, sloth, and wrath (each has several different manifestations). And the 10 commandments of the Bible are: You shall not commit adultery

You shall not steal

You shall not bear false witness (spread gossip, slander)

Honor your father and your mother

Keep the Sabbath holy

You shall not kill

You shall have no other gods

You shall not murder

You shall not covet

You shall not make idols

You shall not give false testimony (lie)

Now these are habits that most disciplines would encourage with variations within their unique practices. But the gist is the same. However, the dark tetrad is the antithesis of all these. She is a malignant narcissist (spiteful, entitled, arrogant, malicious), psychopathic (remorseless and combative), sadistic (cruel) and finally Machiavellian or manipulative and exploitative. 

The dark tetrad is all the seven deadly sins rolled into one.  What is the key ingredient of narcissism? Arrogance. Pride. Conceit. Vanity. Deity-like Above-it-all-ness. At the heart of Machiavellianism is greed, lust, coveting and theft. And psychopathy is all about slander, gossip, malice, spite, lying, deceit and ultimately murder.  And sadism is about enjoyment of harm (malignance). 

Beginning from pride, here's how the dark tetrad's downward trajectory into other sins and commandment breaking, goes. I'm better than others (pride). It is all about me and what I think, want, need and feel (arrogance). I look down on others and scoff at them (disrespect, dishonor). I don't want them to succeed because it takes from me (jealousy). I don't want them to be happy. (covetousness). I want what and WHO they have (adultery). 

I'm supreme. I'm equal to God (making idols, not keeping God's commands). I deserve what others have (envy). I want what they have (lust, covetousness). I want everything I want when I want it (greed). But I shouldn't have to work for it (sloth). So I'll just take it all (gluttony). If you don't give it to me I will become angry. (wrath) I will make you pay. 

I will lie to and about you to get my way. And to tear you down and blacken your name. I will kill your reputation. I will bear false witness about you (slander, gossip). I will kill you and your peace of mind with nasty, hurtful behavior. I will steal you and your identity, not because I want it. I just don't want you to have it. I will break your toys. I will take what and WHO you love because I can't stand you to be happy. I will break every commandment to get my way: make myself a God, cheat, steal, lie, kill, disrespect, dishonor, covet, break faith (commit adultery), break vows. 

But I am a black holes that is never satisfied. Which leads us to the next post on ways dark tetrads enmesh, pirate and feed off others.  

Weird ways childhood trauma victims show they were abused

 Hi friends. Today I'm sharing weird ways childhood trauma victims show we were (are being) abused by dark tetrad parents. I've seen  myself do these odd behaviors all my life but am only now just realizing why and how they are signs of abuse. If you see someone doing these things, not for attention but without even realizing it, it's proof that they were likely abused, neglected, endangered, invalidated, shamed, scapegoated, exploited, enmeshed, violated, hurt, parentified and gaslit about it all. 

We have poor posture. Victims of childhood trauma were taught to stay small to avoid attention or punishment. Attention from creepy adults (I'll share more on that in its own point) and unfair Draconian punishment from cruel, manipulative, entitled, arrogant (dark tetrad) parents. We crouch and turn our feet in. We keep our legs tightly closed (I probably don't have to explain that one). We crumple ourselves up so as not to get in anyone's way. 

We are twisted and bent. We show signs of early structural problems like arthritis because we had to twist ourselves into pretzels trying to be everything we were expected (and now expect ourselves) to be. We were made to do heavy work when we were far too young and still developing. Our dark tetrad parents made the work harder by denying us basic tools to do it or training on how. Things like mopping the floor on our hands and knees because a cheap stick mop was not provided, lugging a heavy vacuum and doing mountains of back-breaking ironing.  Or scaling snowbanks to get diapers off the line. Things no one else including the parents had to do. 

We are always cold and uncomfortable. We had to sleep on unheated porches or crammed in tiny closets with whomever was our stepparents' newest baby. We were given an old damaged mattress and a pillow stuck with pins (it's true) while step mommy got a suite to herself with a new king-sized waterbed. 

We are tired all the time and fall asleep driving. On top of the cramped, crowded sleeping conditions, we were parentified and made to co-sleep with children. From the time we were 10, we were waking up and tending to babies. We were on call 24-7-365 caring for other peoples' kids. And when we were finally able to sleep, we trauma dream and nightmare all night long. We dream we're taking care of kids and trying to accomplish the endless chores we were set to. 

We squint and have lined faces. Basic things like glasses or vision care weren't  provided, though mother's deadbeat boyfriend was given a new motorcycle. We spent long hours doing homework sitting on the floor because we had no desk or space to do it. 

We don't take care of ourselves. Actually us caring for ourselves by doing simple things like resting when tired, needing a ride somewhere or even eating was deemed selfish by our parents. Bearing in mind the rest of the so-called family did as they pleased and had everything they wanted. It was just us who were subjected to this. 

We lacked basic things or had to buy them for ourselves. I mean normal things other kids in our socio-economic situation had. Things our parents provided for themselves and their other children, we had to provide for ourselves, by getting a job at 15. Which meant I couldn't take driver's ed. And when I did, it was so much harder because no one bothered to help me learn.

We looked like idiots because we never had or even knew we should  have effing simple things. Also we were gaslit and told that simply things like sunscreen were "too expensive" so we got sunburns. We had to borrow stuff because we didn't have a beach towel or sleeping bag at a campout. We had to walk or cadge rides from creepy people. We lacked a winter coat, boots, shoes and had to take others' castoffs or buy our own, even though no one else in the family did.

We're hangry because we're always hungry. Sometimes we act crabby because we're literally shaking with hunger but we don't feed ourselves. We don't recognize hunger because just like tiredness or illness, we were told we were selfish. We forget to eat. We cut ourselves short so others can have too much. All the family food budget went to my dad's wife's cigarettes and expensive diet food. I lived on scraps. 

We don't even realize we're sick or in pain till we're dying. Or near as damn all. Our medical care was neglected. We were told we were just showing off. It was an inconvenience for us to be sick. And no one did our chores while we were ill. They just left them for us. (Funny how chores were so urgent when I was  doing them but could be put off indefinitely when someone else had to). It takes a lot of pain to get through these gaslit heads of ours. And then often it's too late. 

We accept being stolen from and cheated by family as normal. It's not enough that dark tetrad parents don't provide for us. They also have to steal, ruin or cheat us out of what we do manage to provide for ourselves. They let their kid trash your prom dress. And take your child support to fund their own shiny new families. And  kick you out of the house at 16 and keep collecting and misusing your  child support. 

We cut ourselves short as adults. Because we've always had to provide for ourselves, we learn to be too cheap. My first car should have been junkyarded, but all I could afford. And my mom approved me buying it, offered no help and couldn't care less that it was a death trap. I didn't buy enough food for myself in college, got down 109 pounds and was sick all the time. 

We don't know how to care for ourselves or what we need. We confuse meeting our needs with selfishness. We don't feel we deserve essentials. But we are very good at caring for others. Which is very good for our demanding, self-centered parents. With the same cheap measure we use for ourselves, we lavish on others. 

Empath girl child + narcissistic dark tetrad parents = perfect storm

 Hello my friends. I've shared a great deal about the abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandoning, exploitation, malice, spite, invalidation, enmeshment, triangulation, scapegoating, shaming, manipulation and gaslighting I experience from four narcissistic and dark tetrad parents. You may be wondering how all this could have happened. I know I certainly have. It took me almost 6 decades to see it for what it was. A big piece of the abuse was gaslighting me about being too sensitive, deceitful, too critical, showing off for attention, etc. 

But a lightbulb went on this morning and it showed exactly how they were able to do this. The problem is that I'm a girl and have a good nature. It makes me the ideal victim. Here's the formula: empath child + narcissistic dark tetrad parents = perfect storm. My natural caregiving nature and female gender made me fertile soil for their unbridled arrogance, entitlement, self-absorption and cruelty to flourish. 

You may be asking: what does being a woman have to do with it? And if so, you're either a man or didn't grow up in the late 60s, early 70s. There were clearly defined gender roles. And a girl's job was nurturer, caregiver, everyone's little helper. We played with dolls and cleaned pretend houses while boys made model airplanes, played sports and collected baseball cards. They did cool shit and had a few little nanosecond jobs like taking the trash out while we girls folded the clothes, did dishes, cared for siblings and waited on everyone. They trained to build cars and buildings while we learned to manage everything else. They chose careers, we did what everyone expected. This has relevance. 

So then, layer all the extra burden and responsibility onto an already too empathetic and people pleasing kid and you have the perfect combination for dark tetrad parents and hell for the scapegoat. They had it made with me: someone to do all the things they were too arrogant, entitled and selfish to do, a scapegoat to take on herself the shame of their bad behavior and a vulnerable adolescent who made excuses for them and took it all as her due. Someone who now at 60, struggles not to be and do everything for everyone. Because she was taught to and punished for not doing it. 

My parents' other kids had no chores or expectations. They played while I did what should have been theirs and their parents' chores, too. And I parented them and their  parents. I did all the heavy chores that my parents' new spouses were to lazy to do. And kept up with schoolwork and homework and a job. I didn't have transportation or consistency, only chaos and deprivation. I was groomed to be the family Cinderella scapegoat.  (Thank you, husband for pointing that out, it's a perfect explanation). 

But unlike Cinderella, we children of dark tetrad parents can't break free. Notice how easily she transitioned to princess? Well, that's fairy tales for you. Even with a handsome prince to help us, we're still typecast in that role of scullery maid. It takes a lifetime to learn how to wear the crown. And if you didn't understand all this till you are a senior citizen, you've got decades of wrong learning to unlearn. 

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Stupid simple things kids of dark tetrad parents can't do

Hi friends. I'm so overwhelmed by CPTSD and shame that I'm having trouble doing much of anything today. It makes me realize how this has always been this way. I've lived in a free fall of self-doubt, confusion and pain put on my by four narcissistic dark tetrad parents. I might not appear that broken because I'm good at faking and a great actress. But I am. There is so much stupidly simple shit that I can't do because I was either not taught how, told right was wrong and wrong was right or punished for doing it. Stuff like...

Make decisions. I can't make up my mind on little stuff because I was always told I was wrong.  "Leaning on my own understanding" was my dad's Bible quote of choice. Which apparently was bad even though he always did everything his way. He was a great one for misquoting the Bible and setting others to burdens he didn't feel applied to him. He loved shaming me  into doing things that he didn't teach me how to do, watching me fail and then shaming me for that.  

Do something without being afraid. I'm always afraid I'm doing something wrong. I'll offend someone. Or anger them. Innocent things have routinely come back to bite me with a vengeance. I've been sucker punched so many times my ribs are damaged. I can't even breathe right. People have gotten angry with me a lot and I've always struggled to know what I've done and why they are SO angry. Because usually the things I've supposedly done were things THEY are doing and claim are right. I've concluded that right is wrong from me and wrong is right for them. I even trauma dream about all the things I'm doing wrong, while doing all the work. So very confusing. 

See good in anything about me. I don't want to be arrogant (chance would be a fine thing) but it would help alleviate the suicidal shame if I could feel good about something. But I was told feeling good was pride, showing off, conceit. By people who were arrogant, proud and theatrical AF. But to be just a little positive about something I did would help me know right from wrong. But if you're always wrong, what then? How can I...

Sort anything out. How can I be all they said I was at the same time? Too selfish and lazy and yet doing all their work? Too sensitive (to their endless criticism) and too critical of them when I never said anything to them and excused everything they did? How? How the fuck could I be both? Too entitled when I didn't have a damn bed? Too demanding when I had no time to myself from so many chores? Too lazy when I couldn't wake up in the morning from trauma dreams? Too "heavy" and needing to lighten up? Lighten up on what? Chores? Duties? Or lighten up on them, more like. Allow them to continue exploiting me and somehow manage not make them feel guilty for being so demanding and cruel? 

Have a hobby or interests. Every single hobby or interest I had, they managed to mock, belittle, deny me or ruin for me. I couldn't do after school activities because chores and childcare. And then he moved us so far away I was stuck in the middle of nowhere. With my  mom, I had to walk to school a mile to school because no one could be bothered to give me a ride. I had to accept rides with creeps if I wanted to do anything. No one knew nor cared. And I had to get to school early and stay late to work to have money for necessities. My dad gave me toys that were actually for his sons and which I had to play with, with them, when I was 14. My dad made fun of my singing, calling me a show off. My mother sold or gave away my stuff without telling me to get stuff for her boyfriend. They did their best to sabotage college for me not giving me a dime and then both claiming me on their taxes and jeopardizing my financial aid. 

This is only the beginning. I know I've told these stories before. It boggles me how devastating this has been. So I'll probably need to tell them again, to get this shit out of my head and find a healthier place. Thanks for reading. 

Conflicting hypocritical double standards dark tetrad parents force on target kids

 Hi friends. I was just listening to psychologist Dr. Ramani discussing the difference between emotionally immature and narcissistic dark tetrad parents. And it made me wonder if my parents were just immature and not the dark tetrads I've painted them as. Which I see is more auto-gaslighting shame talking. First calling them "just" emotionally immature parents as if that wasn't hellish chaos in itself. And next, it shows how quickly I jump to the 5 E's I always do in regard to their toxic behavior: explain away, excuse, expunge, exonerate and in so doing, encourage. 

And my use of the term "painted them" is telling. As if I'm purposely making them look bad. (As if I could make it worse!) That in identifying their hurtful actions bad Mary was cruelly demonizing them, ruining their reputation or destroying family trust. Well, they certainly didn't need my help on those scores. I've been indoctrinated in this dreck all my life. And the fact that even as a senior citizen, I'm still sheltering and defending them. And taking the consequences of their actions on myself.  So having said all that, I'm going to enumerate the conflicting hypocritical double standards and paradoxes I lived with, to show you (and me) how they weren't just childish but selfish, arrogant, manipulative, malicious, spiteful and cruel. And how is has confused the hell into me. 

Naively innocent and overtly sexual. My mother talks in this fake sincere, sweetly innocent almost babyish way. Like she's just sprung from the world freshly born. She feigns ignorance of basic sexual functions, opens her eyes wide and teehees behind her hand when someone makes a reference. Or she'll claim the moral high ground and act all righteously offended. And this same woman openly conducted a series of affairs with  married men, moved a boyfriend into our house (in the early 1970s when this was verboten and no one's parent I knew did anything remotely like this). She flirted with my boyfriends and used me as a sex therapist starting around 8 years old. She forced me to listen to disgusting stuff even when I covered ears and begged her to stop. She dressed seductively and once went as a "hooker" to a church Halloween party. A costume I helped her create. I was the only kid who knew that word. She made out with boyfriends at our kitchen table and was beaten up by the wife of one of her APs. She laughed with her live-in boyfriend at me when he called me blisters in reference to my small breasts. My dad latched onto a 17 year-old when he was 35. And we all went to church every Sunday. 

Bible beater and con artist and slanderous gossip monger. All my life, my mother has ridden the fence between  intolerant religious bigotry and debauchery. She scams, cheats, steals, lies extorts, exploits, routinely. She does this blatantly. She preaches endlessly and supposedly reads her Bible. But she lives in complete and unapologetic contradiction. She's one of these people who wear the "Christians aren't perfect just forgiven" T-shirts and yet show zero mercy towards others. She claims all the lovely perks with none of the work. My dad proudly shows off his violin playing and shamed me for singing in the bathroom. 

Ignorant, entitled arrogance with shaming deceit and scorn. Speaking of that, all four parents had a litany of sins I'd supposedly done and which they held against me. They ganged up on me and then pitted me against each other. And then elicited my sympathy against the other when it suited. All my life, I've believed I was arrogant, proud, selfish, disobedient, disloyal, mouthy, snotty, too sensitive, too critical, too "heavy" always too this and not enough that. Because my parents told me I was. Truth is I was so burdened with all my apparent sins plus all theirs, that it was a daily struggle not to end it all. 

So there's more, much more, but I'm just to fried to write anymore. Thanks for reading. 

Basic necessities dark tetrad parents deny or steal from scapegoat kids

 Hello my friends. So this is not a great title. But what I'm trying to explain is how dark tetrad (selfish, arrogant, entitled, cruel) parents steal basic things from their target kids. And by basic I mean essentials that other kids just for granted. These are things kids should be able to take for granted because they are human rights but which we as children of dark tetrad parents were denied. Or had stolen from us by selfish, demanding parents. 

So first, a look at one component of dark tetrad that I don't think gets enough discussion and that is enmeshment (which is not a great word for it). What narcissistic parents do is steal, at birth, their target kids' selves. They entrap the child and put her to work bolstering their entitled, self-absorbed fantasies. They deny her an identity and personhood outside her assigned role of supporting character. Childhood, innocence, interest, wants, feelings, even needs are sacrificed at the altar of their insatiable greed. A lot of her life ends up being and feeling like no life at all, just a shadow or puppet. 

And let me explain what I mean by target kid. This is the one whom these dark parents have singled out to be their scapegoat or victim. This is the child upon whom all the family toxicity, blame and shame is heaped. And because they've stolen everything from her, she's not even a member of the family. She's not even unpaid staff. She is pariah.  A nuisance, an evil, but a necessary one to fulfill all their demands. 

If the child is, like me, a product of their first marriage and they've divorced, remarried and have other kids, it's so much worse. Because now she is a living reminder of their failed marriage. She is as unwelcome as the plague because she doesn't fit in their spun narrative. She is the X variable they can't factor out of their shiny new families. Narcissists who divorce are extra especially delusional. And don't even get me started on the all the crap their new spouses dump on the kid, at her real parents encouragement. Now she has four people ganged up on her.  There's even a joke about the "red-headed stepchild" (which isn't very funny if you are that person). 

As the victim child I was in impossible situation. Damned if I did and didn't. Painted in a corner. What they would have liked to do was dispense with altogether but, BUT they also needed me to make their little dream world happen. Dark tetrads are also lazy. They expect others to do for them. So getting rid of  me would have meant losing all the many services they demanded of me. 

Their workaround was to make my life as shame-ridden, transactional and difficult as possible. To exploit me and leverage the fuck out of everything they did for me (which wasn't much because they also withheld basic necessities like food, shelter, clothing, medical care, privacy, love, support, a bedroom and bed). And did they get maximum value out of their minimal to non-existent investment. 

Even now I can't do the simplest thing without hearing their self-righteous, shaming, demanding voices in my head. I don't know how to get out of the painted in corner. I think I'm just going to have to walk across that wet paint and make a mess. 

Handicaps that neglected kids of dark tetrad parents struggle with

Hi friends. In my pursuit of healing from dark tetrad parent abuse, I'm looking at ways they fubared me. Childhood trauma specialist Patrick Teahan recently addressed one essential issue that has plagued me for six decades. But which I've never been able to grasp because it was hidden in plain sight (like so much of narcissistic parent abuse). Dark tetrad parents handicap their children and make simple things other kids take for granted, overwhelming challenges. Patrick said it better than I can but I will try to give you some idea of what just a few of those things are. 

Necessities security. My mother once told her family (operative phrase there, it was never mine according to her because she owns and controls everything), that "sometimes we don't get enough to eat" speaking of her golden daughter and second husband. That's not true but what is, is that I didn't, as a kid and teen. I often didn't have a safe place to sleep or a bed, either. I walked to school in deep snow to get to my job so I could earn money for sanitary napkins they didn't provide. My hair froze. I was hidden homeless, being passed around like a unpaid servant to do the heavy lifting. So simple things like a school lunch or transport were not a given in my life. We were not poor. They had beds, blankets, food, even toys. I was poor. I have stolen food because I was so hungry. 

School and social activities. No one came to events or if they did it was inconsistent. I could never volunteer them to drive for field trips even though there were six unemployed drivers living in my house (two where shacked up in my room and two more in the basement, and two more on the living room floor.) I had to get rides with creepy guys who wanted me to sit on their laps in exchange. No one cared or even knew. 

Shelter. I didn't have a home, I had a job where I stayed. I lived at work. Both my mom and dad had foster care homes in which I was expected to work like an unpaid employee in exchange for food. My mother moved various adults in and they slept in my room while I slept with the kids. It was a flop house at best and a brothel in reality. She called this her mission work. She preached and went to church. At 16, I was kicked out of the house by my mom's deadbeat husband with her approval. I had to squat with an old lady who kindly took me in. Mother and husband still went to church but I was too humiliated to go anymore. My dad and his wife (for whom I'd previously been employed) knew and didn't care. No one did. 

Friends. I couldn't bring friends into a situation like that because they're kids and shouldn't be exposed to that. My  mother would flirt provocatively with my boyfriends and that concerned me. And their parents wouldn't let them if they knew. But it was good enough for me. I did have one friend who saw some of the disturbing things but she never knew about the worst. I sheltered her from that like I did my grandparents. 

Hobbies and interests. Those were frowned upon by the dark tetrad parents. It might take time away from chores and duties. Oh I should absolutely be interested in what they and their kids were interested in. So I could "help out" yanno. And watch the kids while they did their thing.  But independent hobbies, no. There was no time for me to do my homework or space to have a desk let alone a place to set up even a small project. That was all reserved for the real members of the family. Servants don't have interests, silly mar, they just exist to serve. When I was 14, I got a race car set for Christmas which my brothers had wanted but my dad and stepmom ran out of money after getting all the other stuff they wanted. So I was given what amounted to another gift for them and made to play with it with them. 

Education. How I managed to do as well as I did in school is nothing short of a miracle. I had no desk or safe place to study. I had to walk to school and get there early for work for necessities. with no winter coat or boots in Michigan winters. I couldn't participate in activities unless I could cadge a ride. On the rare occasions my dad came he just sat disapprovingly. When I graduated head of my class and then Magna Cum Laude (it would have been Summa if I had taken the recommended 15 and not 21 credits per semester) he just sniffed scornfully and said you didn't need college to be successful. Translation: he couldn't handle it. My mother showed up, showing off as usual, lying to my extended family about the fact that I wasn't even living at home. 

Transportation and Driving. When I finally was able to save up enough money to take driver's training, I was way behind the others. And I had never sat behind the wheel of a car. My instructor was flabbergasted that my parents had never taught me. They couldn't be bothered to make sure I had transportation. I walked everywhere or biked when someone bothered to get me one. Although they had fine vehicles and drove everywhere, even my stepfather who was too lazy to get a job. And don't even get me started on how no one helped me get my first car and I ended up with one that was such a dangerous wreck it nearly killed me several times because it was all I could afford. 

Fitting in. I used to get mocked at school for my ragbag clothing and free lunches. And for not knowing about TV shows because I wasn't allowed to watch it. And for not being able to participate because I had to get home to chores and because I had no money or way to get there. My dad  wouldn't let me walk around the corner to go skating when I earned my own money. But then he wouldn't take me either. I see now it was just to keep me home and on the clock when duty called. I lied once and said I had a ride when I didn't. I walked around the corner. He grounded me from going again. Convenient for him. 

Just doing basic things now, is difficult for me. I'm kind of ignorant about simple things most kids did every day.