Healing relationships by rooting out CPTSD triggers from dark tetrad parent abuse

 Hello my friends! I have some good news to share from the healing CPTSD front. I got in a fight with my husband. LOL so how's that good news, you're asking. It's a step forward for me because I realized that it was triggered by memories of abuse by my narcissistic dark tetrad parents. And by rooting out those triggers, I was able to understand how I completely misunderstood what my husband was saying. I heard them as my dad and mom, stepmom and stepdad would have said them which was harsh, judgmental, hypocritical and shaming. 

I realize that I have done this all throughout our relationship. I have played out the childhood trauma drama on the stage of our relationship because it was safer than dealing with my perpetrator parents. I  have allowed (maybe even forced) myself to think that the problems were with me and husband by association because that's what they always said and because he was safer to fight with.  He loved me,  has my best interests at heart and wanted unity. We are evenly matched. They didn't. They were enmeshed, arrogant, self-centered, exploitative, sadistic and cruel bullies. 

It was never a fair fight with them. They backstabbed, ambushed, humiliated, blame-shifted, manipulated, triangulated, scapegoated and punished. I know that  NOW. I didn't then. I just thought I was the fault and they were right to do any abusive thing they wanted. So I just gave in and let them. And so today, I'm exploring how critical it is in healing both CPTSD and relationship issues, to source and examine the narcissistic dark tetrad parents abuse triggers. 

So in the recent fight, we were discussing some political issues. I made a statement of beliefs which my husband has also made. But he seemed to immediately contradict them when I said it and then scold me for saying it. Like it was okay for him to do and say these things but not me. That's what I heard because that is exactly how my parents and their partners have always treated me: with scorn, derision and shaming for things I said or did. EVEN things they themselves said and did. 

If I did something "wrong" (which I have to put in quotes because I'm not sure now if it was wrong or just them saying it was to humiliate me) they would seize on it and make a federal case out of it. They would publicly mock and embarrass me. They looked for things to criticize me for. They lied and said I did things I didn't. Even though they did the same things to me. I was belittled and attacked for things they approved their other kids doing. There were two very different sets of rules and the double standards were off the charts. 

So when my  husband seemed to do this to me it felt very familiar. Not comfortable mind you. It set off all the old feelings of shame, frustration, confusion, self-disgust and anxiety. And some new ones that I'd only just recognized as always being there but  not being safe to show: righteous anger, resentment and exasperation. I told him I'm sick of being told off, told I'm wrong all the time. I'm not a child who needs discipline. I've had enough of being patronized, condescended to, purposely misunderstood. I'm tired of my motives being questioned and undermined, of what I say being twisted.  I've had it with being corrected, like I'm too stupid to think for myself or hold my own ideas. Especially when I'm saying the same thing he is. 

And then it hit me. That's exactly what I want to say to these people who call themselves my parents. It's not him, it's them. I have had enough of their nonsense for a long time now. I hate how it's made me a cringing, fearful, groveling people pleaser. I loathe how it's robbed my confidence, identity and self-esteem. I despise how all their shaming has rendered me unable to protect myself. And I thought, enough is enough. It ends here. 

And then that led me to realize how I've often misunderstood him because I'm so accustomed to being  mistreated. I'm used to being second-guessed, blamed, faulted, set up, betrayed and used. I realized that I'm used to it because it happened all the time. It's all I know and I just expect it. When I stopped to re-examine what he actually said, I was shocked at how wrong I'd gotten it. He was saying just the opposite of what I thought. He was agreeing and affirming me but since criticism is all I know, I just assumed he was too. And sadly but also somewhat happily I see that I've done this all our life. I'm happy I finally got it but sad it took me 43 years to do so. Such is the brain damage of CPTSD.  

Things we were told were wrong but which are right to do when we're overwhelmed

Hi friends. I was working in my garden today and suddenly I felt overwhelmed, overheated, exhausted and defeated. The weeds seemed too much. The ants are riding herd. And I felt done in. So today, maybe for the first time ever, I did something the voices in my head say is wrong but felt right. I quit. I went in the house, sat in the cool and decided to compose a post for us on things we've been told are wrong but which are actually helpful things to do when we're at our wits end. 

Quit. Holler "Uncle!!" Give up and give in to the helplessness. Surrender. We've been told that quitting is the coward's way. That giving up is makes us weak. That halting is being lazy and selfish. That surrendering is taking the easy way out. That giving in is coping out. And? You're point? So what if someone thinks I'm lazy, weak and a coward? I'm also healthier, saner, more at peace and actually a better person by not fighting a losing battle. 

Maybe tomorrow I'll feel stronger. Maybe in 15 minutes. Who knows? Who cares? One thing I know is that the world is not going to come screeching to a halt if some weeds exist and ants are let to live. But problem is, that's what I've always been told and now tell myself. If I "fail" to do something someone (even the voice in my head) tells me to, I'm a failure. If I don't slog on, I "let someone down" and I'm worthless. Then this gives them the right to abuse me anyway the wish because I deserve no better. Not jumping to comply with my parents was unspeakable wickedness. Even though they were pretty lazy, weak, demanding, cowardly, selfish and exploitative themselves. 

Because here's the kicker. We have been told those things BY THE VERY PEOPLE IN WHOSE BEST INTEREST IT IS FOR US TO KEEP STRUGGLING. That we have to keep trying, helping, waiting on, working and driving ourselves mad with anxiety. People who do not serve others or even care for themselves but expected us to serve and cater to them. They conned us into thinking that quitting was some kind of mortal sin. As they quit, dropped the ball and took the lazy, selfish way out with us all our lives. 

People who move in and take over your life. Who make themselves to home, don't lift a finger to help, trash the place, take themselves out to lunch and then demand to know when you'll be serving dinner because "they're hungry." And me coming home exhausted from work, hauling myself up to go make dinner for these entitled people who are lounging around doing nothing. And who have the audacity to complain about the meals I serve. 

Or other people who are so "prostrate with exhaustion" from doing nothing that you have do their work for them, clean their house, do their laundry, make and clean up supper, mind their kids so they can continue to rest. I laugh when I remember my step mom, issuing instructions from the couch, too "faint" to get up and move. And my dad, too lazy to tend to her himself, dumping it all on me. How are you so exhausted? You haven't done a damn thing! I'm the one who's crippled with pain, hungry and tired. But it's all down to who gets their version in first, I guess. 

But today, here's me doing something different. Here's me confronting instead of complying. You're hungry? Go get us all something to eat. And shame on you for not offering and for taking yourself out and not bringing something to share. And get your dirty shoes off my couch. And here's the dish rag, soap's in the cupboard. And you're tired? Welcome to my world. My back is killing me from dancing attendance on you. Get up off your fat ass, shut off the TV and quit eating yourself to death. I won't be your live-in-maid-nanny-cook-bottle washer anymore. 

So those are conversations with the voices in my head. It doesn't matter if I ever actually have them because I've gone super low contact and won't need to. And so it's just weeds and ants I'm standing up to (or should I say backing down to lol). I'm doing what is best for me. And sometimes that is giving up and giving in. Not that I'll never try again. I'm just listening to my body right now and letting it guide me instead of pushing it till I'm ill. And I'm surrendering to my Higher Power. I'm letting go and letting God. 

Does that mean I leave a bunch of work for others? Nope. Does that mean I expect someone else to wait on me? Of course not. But the ironic thing is that now that I'm in healthier relationships with a family of my own, they do care for  me and pick up the slack. And I don't expect it. I appreciate it. Critical difference. 

And Yup, when you say "I quit" you'll hear (from those bossypants exploitive takers) stuff like "Giving up? That's wrong! When the going gets tough, the tough get going." And indeed I am. I'm both tough and I'm getting going to a happier, healthier, safer place for me, away from pushy, self-centered control freaks. I'm taking back charge of my life. I control me. They may have had done when I was young but they don't now. I just gave in an let them push me around. I let them guilt me into bowing to their commands. But now I call the shots about what I will and will not feel obligated to do. 

If they need something bad enough, they'll find a way to get it. I really don't care how, only that it's not at my expense anymore. If they can find other people to exploit, well, I'm sorry for those people. I hope they get out too. But I have no control over that. 

It's sad it has to be this way. I didn't ask for this. I deserved better. And I'm a loving, giving person. I enjoy doing for others. But not when it's expected, not appreciated and never reciprocated. It was just me doing all the giving and them taking advantage of that. So now I choose who I'll give to. And that will be to grateful people who appreciate and don't demand it. 

This shaming and exploiting has to stop somewhere and since I know they never will, I have to. Fortunately and thanks be to God, I have a loving, generous caring partner encouraging me to end it. Self-sacrifice is great when it's received correctly. If it becomes expectation and taken for granted, no. That is good for no one. 

Strange behaviors and physical deformities from dark tetrad parent abuse

 Hi friends. Piggybacking on my last post, I'm sharing strange physical behaviors and deformities I exhibit from dark tetrad parent abuse. I lived with four dark tetrad parents who were arrogant, narcissistic, exploitative, manipulative, bullying and cruel. And here are trauma coping responses I have developed as a result. 

Facial grimaces. I constantly clamp my jaw and grit my teeth because I'm nervous and anxious. I've worn my teeth down from doing this. I do it because I'm always on alert for random punishment and humiliation. I think I do this to steel myself to ward off attacks. And because I've been conditioned to ignore red flags and power through parent-caused chaos. I've been groomed to accept and function within totally unacceptable behavior. 

I don't walk I tiptoe. I stand on the sides of my feet and never dare to put them flat on the floor. I point my toes in. So I don't take up too much space or get in someone's way. I'm always prepared for flight. I might have to jump to do something so I'm kind of like an uncoordinated mongoose, always ready to rush in to serve. 

I'm uncoordinated, clumsy and slump and walk bent. I crumple myself into the smallest shape possible. I sit on the edge of chairs. I keep small. I twist myself into a pretzel to do whatever it is anyone expects of me. I have lugged too  heavy of loads for too long and damaged my spine as a result. I have slept too much in cramped, cold, crowded uncomfortable places. 

I walk and talk in my sleep. I snore and cry out. This is from being made to co-sleep with babies and children. So their parents weren't disturbed. I had to be on alert at night like a parent since around age 10. My room and bed have been given away and I've been shuffled into closets and unheated porches.. I've been evicted and had to sleep rough and make do. I trauma dream all night long. 

I hurt all the time from early onset arthritis in hips, back, shoulders and neck. I had shoulder surgery and all kinds of unexpected damage showed up that I've just learned to live with. 

I'm now retraining myself now to take up space and inhabit my place fully. I'm trying to learn that I deserve comfort. I'm working to rewrite dreams in which I talk back and fight back. To refuse to do all the nonsensical things I had to as a kid. 

Weird CPTSD Panic responses caused by dark tetrad parent abuse

 Hello my friends. On my quest to heal CPTSD (complex childhood post traumatic stress disorder) from a lifetime of abuse by four narcissistic parents, I'm looking at weird panic responses that dark tetrads (manipulative, narcissistic, entitled, arrogant and sadistic) instill in their kids. These are caused by the constant fear, anxiety and stress their chaotic, neglectful, abusive, excessively punitive, humiliating, malicious, exploitative, risky and dangerous behavior causes.  Dark tetrads are vicious, pathologically jealous, backstabbing and deceitful. Life with them is frightening and exhausting. Life for the child of dark tetrad parents is hell on earth. Here are some panic responses I've developed over the years that I only at 60 began to understand as originating from my parents' treatment of me. 

I'm hypervigilant. I constantly look over my shoulder and expect punishment and shame. I flinch and startle at the smallest sounds. I hear scolding and criticism where it doesn't exist. And where it does, I immediately feel shame and quickly amend whatever I'm doing to please them. I even dream I expected to do all sorts of things without resources and am scrambling to meet them. It is so wearying. 

I'm a chameleon. I take the Bible injunction to be all things to all people too literally. I act how I think other people expect me to. I ignore whatever I think, need or feel in favor of honoring their wishes. This includes matching my face, words and actions to placate and obey. I've caught  myself doing this in my selfie cam of all places. Whenever anyone in my environment does or says anything, I automatically jump nervously and arrange my face accordingly. I fawn, laugh at stupid jokes I don't find funny. I smooth feathers, pour oil on waters I didn't trouble and generally twist myself into a pretzel to give my best approximation of what they seem to want of me. 

I'm obedient and subservient which is bad enough in a child but absolutely dysfunctional in an adult. Adult relationships should not be characterized by one person demanding, bossing, lording it over while the other kowtows and hop through hoops to please. In fact, adults should not have expectations for each other in general. They should collaborate and cooperate. I just comply and compromise everything to suit others. And my sanity and self-esteem are compromised as a result.  

I'm too biddable, too accommodating, too agreeable. I'm always seeking to keep the peace, which is ridiculous because there is no peace, never has been and never will be any with dark tetrads. They thrive on conflict. They polarize, choose up sides, ambush and create problems for their victims. I have spent my life putting out fires my dark tetrad parents purposely started. 

I am more comfortable with unfair double standards than with healthier balance. I don't like living with two sets of rules, one for me and one for thee but it's familiar and all I've ever known. I don't know if I actually believe this is right. I think on some level I know it's not. But it's too much work to fight it. Dark tetrads are so determined to be large and in charge. They steamroll anyone who stands up to them. They bury them in shame and scorn.  

I'm tired all the time. The slightest effort seems too much because dark tetrads have worn down my resources. They have punished me for practicing any kind of self-care. Their constant and shifting demands have left me exhausted. Their bizarrely chaotic, hypocritical and hurtful behavior has wounded and crippled me. I have a damaged spine and hips from years of overwork and neglect. 

Does all this get better or easier to bear? Will I ever heal? No. You can't heal a broken spirit or replaces drained resources any more than you can regrow amputated legs. What does get better is that by understanding what happened and saying out loud that it did, I can begin to  move forward with healthier responses. 

Bizarre things dark tetrad parents do to destroy their kids

Hey friends. Today in the quest to heal CPTSD from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm looking at more bizarre things dark tetrad parents do to damage their kids. And it has to do with the ickiest of the icky, sexual abuse. Just so you know, I've only just remembered some of this stuff and/or realized what it was at 60 years old. I was helped in this by a Youtube search on how toxic parents are sexually off with their kids. So there's not a lot out there. And I wasn't surprised because some of this is so sick that 1) you can't make it up 2) you NEVER want to think about it let alone talk about it 3) it wasn't safe to and 4) it may not even be allowed on Youtube. We poor kids are so damaged by these twisted deviants that we can't even get help processing it because it's verboten to address.  

Some have approached the subject of dark tetrads but not in the depth I needed. And not as a child of such people. Most have little experience and will just say that dark tetrads are so disturbing that you should run not walk as far away from them as you can. Welcome to my world. And easier said than done for a kid. Then there's a lot of talk about positivity and rising above, yada yada. Sounds great unless you were  groomed from infancy to be their property. If they enmeshed in you like parasites and punished you for being a person of your own. 

What the lack of discussion around dark tetrad parents tells me is that their abuse is so outrageously perverted that even psychologists have no frame of reference for it. But thankfully, I found one psychologist talking about it. It takes only one. More is better. And it was as if she had lived my life with me. Come to find out (and this is incredibly helpful to know) that even in their degradation, they share pattern behaviors. And one of which is around concepts of body image and sexuality. 

Both  my parents, and then their new partners, were off sexually. They were immaturely vain and competitive about looks. It was so prevalent that I got used to it. But I never liked it. I hated anything to do with "it." See, I can't even find a word to describe the ick. "Inappropriate and adult" hardly cuts it. Gross, nauseating, revolting, depraved might be better. It was as if they went out of their way to ruin normal healthy things for me. Oh wait...

That's exactly what they did. The way the therapist explains it (and I so appreciated her using her own examples. It can't have been easy.) narcissistic and dark tetrad parents believe they own their children. I knew that already but it never occurred to me till she pointed it out that this includes our sexuality. In their demented heads, our bodies, development, experiences are theirs to do with and exploit as they wish. 

If dark tetrads want to make their children uncomfortable (and they frequently do--that's how they maintain their edge and control), they broadcast intimate details about the child. I literally reeled when the doctor shared the example of a mother announcing that her daughter had pubic hair at a family gathering. I had forgotten all about my mother doing that at a picnic. She loudly told my grandmother  (who was very modest and would NOT have wanted that talked about in public). So bonus points for my mom: she got to make us both feel weird. And as I shared recently, my mother brags about how she likes to "shock (humiliate, embarrass, upset) people." Tell us you're a dark  tetrad without telling us. 

If the dark tetrad wants to make someone feel inferior and themselves feel superior (and they always do), they body shame them. And the child with her prepubescent body is the perfect victim. My mother told people we were more like sisters than mother and daughter. Note she wasn't saying friends. We were competitors in a race which she had a 22-year lead. She would compare our bodies and loved to boast her breast size. She smiled approvingly when her boyfriend would call me "Blisters" and mock my as yet undeveloped breasts. He did that all my life and I let him because mommy taught me being their laughingstock was what God wanted me to be. 

She would dress inappropriately sexualized and juvenile. She wore mini skirts, go-go boots and very revealing clothing in a time when no one else's mother was. Then she trash talked another woman who dressed this way, calling her a tramp. She'd run around in a bikini when most moms wore Bermuda shorts. Then she began running around naked and told anyone who would listen. She feigned embarrassment about being "accidentally" seen by one of her boyfriend's friends. But you could tell she really enjoyed that. She'd tell people, including my husband and sons, how she slept naked. My father paraded naked too and I remember seeing male body parts at 6 and asking if Daddy had a tail. It's so awful to recall. 

My mother was and still is very seductive around men, especially older men and boys.  She had a series of affairs with married men. She would sit on her boyfriends' laps and make out with them in front of me. She'd talk in this affected baby voice. She'd giggle with them in whispers about me. Once before I went to school, she was with a guy and his wife came over, belted my mom across the face and knocked her down the stairs. I was told to go to school and forget it. Nothing was ever said to me or by me about it again. 

She talks about her genitals openly and in graphic detail, at family gatherings. Now that she's older, she does this to elicit sympathy for all the mystery ailments she has, involving her privates. She asks her doctor, in front of me, for advice on sex. Then pretended not to know what the doctor said, so we had to spell it out. She talked openly about using birth control and showed me hers, when I was 9. No one else's mom was discussing that and probably few were even using it, it 1972. But that's not a question you want to ask your friends. 

She dressed as a hooker to a church Halloween party and had 8 year old me help her with her costume. I was probably the only third grader who knew that word. She went to see A Clockwork Orange but left early because it was "dirty." Then told 9 year old me all the gory details. It was too dirty for her but not for me, evidently. Another thing I was probably the only kid my school to know about. At 8, she decided I needed to know the facts of life which she spared no detail. She said she was trying to protect me but she never once came to my aid in any problem of that nature. In fact, she took other people's part and blamed me. Also, the fact that she used personal anecdotal experiences to illustrate makes me now see as an adult that this was more about her perversion than my education. Plus the fact that I held my hands over my ears and begged her to stop. 

She later opened a foster care home and had four young special needs kids under 5 plus various teens and me. And then she hooked up with a nasty, vulgar, lazy, unemployed, abusive guy, whom she moved in, made an apartment for herself and him in the basement and then quit  her job. I did most of the childcare and all the night care. She once left me with all these kids and her layabout live-in for a week. I couldn't calm the six-month old baby who was brain damaged, blind and deaf from abuse (and whom we never should have had in our care. He was far too ill for her to take care of let alone me.) Her boyfriend woke up screaming and cursing me. He told my mom I'd shaken the baby. He would continue screaming at me and blaming me all my life. I will never recover fully from the shame, guilt, self-hatred and trauma of that one experience not to mention all the other abuse. 

And then, into this mix, she brought in a 15 year old with a known history of molesting girls. He came to visit over a weekend and she said she was going to reform him by leading him to Jesus. What that ended up being was making me include him all my activities and him acting about as you'd expect. We went to the beach and while she lay tanning in her bikini, he went around pulling girls' bathing suits down, trying to drown them and/or make out with them. It was so bad that the other moms told my mom to get him away from their kids. She got mad and took us home. 

Then made me take him to the neighbor's pool where he proceeded to do the same thing. The neighbor kicked him out but still mom turned a deaf ear. I retreated to my room where he barged in and molested me. Meanwhile she was in the basement with her live-in. I ran the risk of telling her and was met with stony pursed-lipped rage. I begged her to say nothing to anyone because I was so embarrassed. She agreed and promptly went and told her boyfriend (who was routinely cruel and abusive to me) who told the kid to leave. She didn't want him to leave. Then she told everyone what happened and bragged up boyfriend for how brave he was. AT THE DAMN DINNER TABLE. Needless to say she never told anyone who could have helped me. 

Not too long after this, her foster care license was revoked and the two of them were found guilty of child abuse. She lied and said it didn't happen or if it did it was boyfriends' fault. Even though I watched him whip children with sticks and her laugh. No one ever said anything about me sleeping alone two floors up from them with four young children. Or my uncle and his girlfriend living in what was my room. Or her allowing me to be sexually abused and doing nothing. Or about her leaving me alone with the kids. Or approving her boyfriend harassing me. I don't know if that came up but she wouldn't have told me if it had. I was just whisked off to live with  my dad and his new wife who weren't much better. 

 I've tried for years to tell myself that she was just upset for me. That's why she was angry when I told her what the kid did. It took me 49 years to realize that no, she was pissed at me for pulling out one of the cards from her little fantasy house. It's important to note that she was loudly and proudly a Christian. She went to church every week, beat her Bible and would preach the "good news." She would make a show of being very holy. And was quick to finger point at anyone who was doing what she considered wrong. And then tell me that all this immoral behavior was actually her doing God's will. She was witnessing to men by sleeping with them. She was leading people to Jesus by letting them abuse her daughter. She was serving God by acting like a prostitute. She was being a good Christian by fubaring her daughter's ability to care for herself. She was honoring the Bible by brain damaging her daughter so badly that she is now crippled with it. 

And you may think that she didn't know what she was doing. Although honestly I don't think very many people reading my story would believe that. And even she would say she knows what she's doing if it's in her agenda to make you believe that. It all depends on who she is portraying at the moment. She is very sure of herself when she's pointing out other people's faults. But if she's in the wrong, oh yes, she'll paint herself as the innocent victim. She flip flops to feeble and helpless when that suits. If she is caught in a lie, she will evade, lie some more, back-peddle and even feign dementia. I didn't see all this because I wanted to believe her because I'm her daughter and I love her. What I didn't know but now do is that she's not my mom in any caring way, only in exploitative ways. Which is no mom at all. And she does not love me with anything like was real love is. She uses me. 

I know it sounds so ludicrous that I wouldn't have seen what was wrong with it but I didn't. I thought because she said so it must be so. Yes I can read the Bible and hear Christian teaching and know it's wrong for me to do these things. But a dark tetrad parent is very convincing. 

Disturbing things dark tetrad parents do that haunt their kids

Hi friends. I'm having a lot of awakenings lately around disturbing things my dark tetrad parents did that haunt me now. A lot of  these memories have lain dormant for decades and I've only just recalled them. And the way I have is the interesting and crucial part. I see now that all my life the bizarre things they've done have triggered sick fear, self-loathing and shame. But because the memories were buried, the feelings would just seem to come out of nowhere. Suddenly I am engulfed by them. It's so bad that I'm nauseous and dysregulating all over the place. Or sometimes I smile on the outside while quietly dying on the inside.   I never connected the dots back to where the shame originated. And now that I do, the picture becomes clear. And  it's even more dreadful than I could have imagined. 

"I like to shock people." Said no sane, normal person ever. But it was said and done often by my dark tetrad mother. And enjoying shocking people is screwy enough but worse when you read the translation. They don't mean shock in the nice surprise way. They love to zap people with painful, damaging hurt--think electroconvulsive therapy.  Dark tetrads love upsetting, humiliating and throwing people off balance with sucker punches and outlandish behavior. Especially their children. It's even worse when they consider themselves Christian missionaries because they translate witnessing the good news to publicly attacking, denouncing and harassing people. They literally believe it's their God-given duty (right) to make innocent people feel awkwardly ashamed. And do they get off  on that. 

Now we could argue all day what true Christian witnessing is supposed to look like. I think St. Francis said it well--just be kind. But what I want you to understand is that the dark tetrads' shocking behavior has nothing to do with any kind of Christian ministry or morality in general. In fact it's pretty much anathema to the Bible. They fancy themselves as leading others to God. But the way they do it looks much more like leading the other way. 

Some examples of my mother's "witnessing": adultery, open affairs with married men, taking me to an abortion clinic so a girl in her foster care could have an abortion, forcing sexual confidences on me, allowing her boyfriend to sexually harass me, getting mad at me when a teen in her foster care molested me, leaving me alone with her unemployed boyfriend to care for four special needs kids under 5 for a week. Telling people publicly at a family gathering that I was developing pubic hair. Abandoning me to strangers at 6 in Alaska, 4000 miles from home. Dumping me with strangers. And telling me that all of this was her doing God's work. These are just a few. 

So lots of wrong here. But where does it originate? Where's the disconnect? She said it herself. She likes to shock people. To betray, backstab, gang up on, embarrass. And that is proof positive that she is a dark tetrad--arrogant, malignant, mercenary and sadistic. And as a child, I was the perfect candidate. I was normal and believed I had normal parents who loved me. So all this they did I just assumed was love. They weren't and it wasn't. But I wasn't to know that. They could exploit my trust as much as they wanted and I wouldn't know the difference. 

And this was not accidental. They knew better. They knew how they expected to be treated. They knew how other parents cared for their children. They would mimic it, half-heartedly when anyone was watching. And then behind closed doors make no pretense of caring for me. Seriously, the number of times I've been left to my own devices and put out on the street at very young ages would  horrify normal people. 

And for all I say I thought this was okay, my subconscious did not. There as a still small voice screaming warnings and waving red flags. But children are messy little creatures at the best of times. We have no protocol for trauma, except kneejerk reactions. So I did some things that looked pretty deranged. I would bite and  hit myself. I would overreact all over the place with rage, panic, anxiety, terror and grief. And my parents were more than happy to leverage that to make me appear the problem and themselves the pretty ones. 

Case in point. A few years ago, my dad's wife, who had inserted herself into and dominated our relationship from the get-go and maintained a tight reign over us all, lectured me for being the problem in their family (operative words) She said I was at fault for being "so angry" at my dad.
Angry?? ANGRY? Bitch please. I've never shown the slightest bit of self-care let alone stood up for myself to you two. I've let you steamroll me. And that is the problem. I SHOULD be furious with you. 

Let's not forget that this is the father who had estranged himself, abandoned me, allowed her to abuse me and felt zero responsibility to me. And whom I had literally slaved for all my life and never EVER been anything but kind. Did I mention that these two hated  each other and were estranged from their other kids as well? If that's not gaslighting I don't know what is. And yet I fell for it.  Here I was 50 years old and feeling all the old despair of being 13 and unable to please this implacable dominatrix. 

Oh you think that's too  harsh a word? Anyone who's been at the mercy of dark tetrad parents won't. They'll tell you that it feels very much like a sick twisted game of BDSM. A game you can never win except by losing. A game that will leave you a shattered mess that no one helps you with. When they've extracted all they can from you, they step over your carcass and move on. They hang you out like a Spandau Ballet and laugh as you writhe and twist. They get off on seeing you suffer. 

I'm exhausted writing all this and need a break. But I'll be continuing this because we've only scratched the surface of how dark tetrads damage their kids. 

Sucker punches dark tetrad parents hit their scapegoat kids with (and what it does to us)

 Hello my friends. If you've suffered with CPTSD (complex or childhood post-traumatic stress disorder), you will want to read this post. I'm going to list some of the sucker punches my dark tetrad parents pulled on me as their scapegoat child. And I'm going to describe some of the damage that causes. You need to know that most of what I write is in "real time" awareness. As soon as I realize it, I share it. 

Dark tetrad parents lie to and about their kids. Not nice lies. They don't bend the truth to spare a child. They gaslight, invent, twist and deceive with the express purpose of confusing, upsetting, making her vulnerable and catching her off guard. They say she did bad things she didn't. They frame her. 

Dark tetrads chameleon depending on who's watching. She'll play the loving mother if grama and grampa are around. Then she flip flops to her usual neglectful self as soon as they leave. Or he'll make up a story painting himself as victim and the child as bad guy to elicit sympathy. She only brags up the child to show off  her supposed role in the success. This messes with the child' mind and makes her feel weirdly responsible for things she didn't do or accountable to mother. 

Dark tetrads hit below the belt.  They kick us when we're down and push us down when they need to feel superior. They humiliate us in front of others. They use us to get the shock value they so crave. They shock us by dropping huge bombs like "getting a divorce, thx-k-bye" and leaving us to fend. They throw pies in our face,  laugh like idiots and get mad and punish us when no one else finds it funny. 

Dark tetrad parents weaponize a child's trust. They blab confidences the child shared. They mock her about insecurities like trauma sleep-walking (which they caused). She tells at the dinner table how her daughter was molested by a guy in their foster care home and then brags up her boyfriend for how "well he handled it." This makes us feel helpless, hopeless and alone. And if I'm honest, suicidal. 

Dark tetrad parents backstab. They fake agreement to con the child into letting down her guard. All the while cherishing resentments, exaggerating and inventing injuries and letting all this fester into towering narcissistic rage. But which they don't dare show lest other people will see behind the mask. So all their venom comes out in the saber in the back. 

Dark tetrads use people. They drip poison in the form of cruel gossip and lies into people's ears. They invent hostilities. They tell network lies, telling each person in the circle something nasty about someone else, round and round. They form posses. They machinate, manipulate, exploit and triangulate, pit people against each other and play them off one another like snooker cues. A child being too young and innocent to understand these dirty, underhanded tricks, gets stuck in their sticky webs of intrigue. 

Dark tetrad parents gang up and ambush. Once they've completed their mission to divide and conquer, they go in for the kill. But being cowards they zero in on the weakest, smallest most vulnerable member--the child. And they do it guerilla style, completely pulling the rug out and upending the child. They cut contact with anyone who might protect her. Unless they need that person as someone to dump the child on. In that case, they lie to and about the child and the loved one, in order to sabotage the relationship without actually losing the caregivers. They lie and say that person also has it in for her. The level of damage this does the poor kid is unspeakable. 

Dark tetrad parents use grossly inappropriate and Draconian punishment. You know how normal kids make normal kid mistakes and stupid choices? None of that is allowed the child of dark tetrad parents. The slightest hint of any wrongdoing is blown out of proportion. And the child is subjected to a firestorm of very illogical, unnatural and unsafe consequences. It comes out of nowhere. Ergo, the only thing she learns is to be afraid. Very afraid. 

Dark tetrad parents hang and bury their child. They crucify her with false accusations, blame dumping and shame shifting. They bury her under mountains of chaos and trauma. They suffocate her with lies. They cripple her with neglect and abuse. They treat her like a mushroom feeding her shit and keeping her in the dark. 

Dark tetrad parents never admit to, feel remorse or apologize for anything.  After sating their rage on the child, and have her crying, cowering, wetting her pants in fear, they say, very calmly "we won't speak of this again." As if they are doing her a favor. What they really mean is "you won't say anything to anyone about what we just did here." And she doesn't', for the rest of her life. Or until such time as the gas clears and she realizes what happened. 

I know I said I'd share what this does to us. But I'm still excavating all that. One thing I know is that it made me blind, barmy and baffled. I don't even know what I don't know. And what I do know, I've been conditioned not to believe. It. Is. Exhausting. 

Dark tetrad parents' gaslighting lies about kids that are actually true of them (and which contradict God)

Hey my friends. Today I'm looking at gaslighting lies that dark tetrad parents say to and about their kids, that are actually true of them. And how this arrogant, deceitful, malicious shaming is completely contrary to God, the Bible and common parenting sense. These are things my parents said to me which at the time I believed. The power of gaslighting is real. But now I see that all their character assassination of me was really them telling on themselves. As my MIL said, when you point one finger at someone remember, four more are pointing back at you. 

You're showing off. According to my dad, I was just one big drama queen. Said the guy who left us in Alaska so he could convert the Manson girls (!) One time that stands out was when he called me a showoff for singing. All while pouting that he wasn't asked to play his violin in whatever church he happened to grace with his presence that Sunday. 

You're too sensitive. You can't take criticism. When I was being routinely as in on a daily basis verbally abused, attacked, belittled, mocked, humiliated publicly at family gatherings. When it was my dad who had a royal raging helluva hissy fit because I corrected the way he spelled algebra. 

You're too critical. They routinely neglected my care. They forced me to do all the childcare at 10 in my mom's foster care. So she and her boyfriend could play house in the basement. I was doing all my dad's and his wife's  housework and childcare. I was co-sleeping with their babies at 12. Then the work of running their adult foster care home at 14. I  never complained but when family members would call them out, they'd turn and blame me for telling on them. I never once did. 

You're exaggerating. About the abuse, neglect, abandonment (they literally left me with strangers in Alaska for weeks at a time when I was 6), endangerment (I was left to wander alone blocks from home at 4), exploitation, humiliation, parentification, scapegoating, lies and gaslighting, apparently. Though I'd never said anything. It took me till 59 to realize what had happened. It was their guilty consciences but dark tetrads never admit anything so they had to blame me. 

You're over dramatizing. . Said four of the  most theatrical showoffs you could imagine. If I was casting them in a play it would have to be a melodrama. Cue Little Nell and Snidely Whiplash. Which is also funny because as I said, I never even admitted that all this was happening. I made  excuses for every weird, dangerous, hurtful thing they did. 

You're fishing for compliments. When I asked if one of the many tasks I'd done was acceptable. And I only did that because there were horrific consequences for "failure." And they always came out of the blue like a knife in the back. Stepmommy and stepdaddy were VERY angry people and I was their victim of choice. 

You're looking for attention. Well if you gave me just a bit of the attention real parents give their kids, I wouldn't have to now would I? But your M.O. is to ignore, exclude and put me in a corner until you want something of me. 

You are selfish. Now that one's just laughable. Everything I ever had was sold to fund some pipe dream of their new partners and family. Literally my college fund was stolen to buy a motorcycle. And my child support was used to enable my mom's sorry new husband to sleep all day while I was evicted from their house at 16. 

You're sinful. Yep sure am. And so is every other person on in history. Your point? You're just saying that to make me feel even more like shit. And to draw attention away from your own despicable behavior. 

You nitpick. SAYS THE FRIGGIN CHIEF NITPICKERS! Your  wife got upset with me for failing to scrub on hands and knees, the baseboards to perfection. Or because I didn't fold a towel her way. Or because she had to actually get up with her son at night because I was gone. 

You're arrogant and proud. Don't even get me started on your many levels of arrogance, Jack, Ginny, Bill and Nancy. You really don't want to go there because I will bury you in f'rinstances. 

You're disobedient. Not as much as I should have been. And really not at all. You have bound me, Pharisitically to burdens you never carried and you made yourselves gods to me. You should thank me for saving you from damnation of your own pride. 

You're disloyal. Says who? I'm more loyal to you than you deserve. You're the ones disloyal to everyone--God, your spouses, me, your parents-- save yourselves. 

It's your duty to do these chores. My the euphemisms you use. A few household tasks, indeed. More like all the mopping, sweeping, dusting, vacuuming, childcare, dishes, bathroom cleaning, laundry,  ironing, cosleeping with your kids, kitchen cleaning, meal prep, waiting tables for your foster care--that's the work of housekeeper, nanny, parlour and scullery maid and a tweenie all rolled into one. 

We're not putting too much work on you. Well if not, why do I have spine, neck and back problems of a 60 year old at 12? And why do you make me do things you would never do yourself. And without proper tools like a simple mop or vacuum? Why am I expected to scale snowbanks to get your kids' frozen diapers off the line? 

You're lazy. Hummph, interesting. Remind me who it is that has to be up at 6 on a Saturday to clean the house and who watches TV till 3 am then sleeps till noon, never lifts a finger and expects stepdaughter to do all the work  and is still angry and demanding more? Who is is that pouts and points her finger at daughter and gets husband to force more on daughter? For free!!

You're spoiled. Oh do tell how, please I dare you. If this shitshow you've shoved me in is spoiled, I'd hate to see abused and neglected. 

You're lucky we had a good divorce. Really. As compared to what? We didn't know anyone who was divorced. I got that privilege to myself. And you never gave me an iota of help with it. Just plopped it in my lap and ran off to find new playmates. Seems to me you're the lucky one having such a patient daughter. And that the police didn't have you up for child abuse, neglect, endangerment and abandonment. 

You're just jealous. Of you and your new "friends"? No really I'm not. I can see what trainwrecks you all are. And I wish you joy of each other. Now if you said envious of having a real family and loving parents, you might be right. 

You're feeling sorry for yourself. When I get exhausted, burned out and depressed from all the burdens you put on me? No but I should be. But then, I forgot. "Depression" is your prerogative to weaponize against me and to leverage my pity. 

You owe (insert list of demands) to your stepmother, stepfather and us. Whoa, whoa.  Hold on there. Your new partners aren't my parents. If anyone owes anyone, they owe me care and love as your kid. And if you were going to bust up my family, the least you owed me was to pick caring people, not exploitative, demanding, abusive slavedrivers. I was never asked and never agreed to anything. So I owe you nothing. You on the other hand did sign a contract of care when you brought me into this world. A bargain which you've never upheld. 

It's your fault I didn't succeed. If it weren't for you, I could have been (insert fantasy du jour). You mean being a mom caused you to miss opportunities? Oh honey, don't' compound lie with lie. you never let responsibility to me stand in the way of getting what you wanted. If you failed that was entirely on you. 

You're in the way. Yeah and knowing you felt that way has crippled my self-esteem and confidence to the point where exiting this life seemed preferrable to staying. Put that it your pipe and smoke it. 

Quit interrupting the adults when we're talking. I was an adult when they said this. And you've never acted like adults only spoiled toddlers. 

You're angry all the time. (pause for laughs). I'M angry?? Pot, kettle. You lot are seething aggressive and passive-aggressive rage addicts. And if I did for once show anger, it would be righteously justified for all you put on me. You forget the scripture that warns you not to anger (frustrate, disappoint, stress) your kids. 

You're disrespectful. No you're the one who's disrespectful to me. You only scorn. And I'm too respectful of you when you don't merit it. 

You disobey God. K, let's unpack what's really being said here. If I'm doing all your work, and honoring you by obedience, even to your new spouses which by the way you're disobeying the Bible having, where's the problem here? You set yourself up as God and expect me to obey immoral commands. So who's the disobedient one here? 

Got expects you to be obedient to parents. Ye..ess, but not when 1) you make yourself a god 2) you force me to do things that contradict God 3) you put people in my life and call them parents. He also expects YOU to obey Him and your parents which you did not do. AND He further expects you to love and care for your child (which you didn't do) and not antagonize your children (which you did). 

He (she) can do whatever he (she) wants he's (she's) your father/mother. No he's/she's not. These are YOUR new partners NOT my parents. You can't even do whatever you want as my parents, let alone them. THEY  have to respect me which might help me respect them. It begins with THEM being loving and caring not just two more demanding bosses in my life. 

I have to let him (her)  do whatever he (she) wants to you, he's/she's  my husband/wife. Errr, no because 1) you don't let him/her do whatever he/she wants to you. You only play this dutiful helpless spouse charade when it comes to your partners hurting and enslaving me. You take damn good care of yourself.  And you actually cheer them on to abuse me as the scapegoat so you can avoid any responsibility. And why did you choose such horrible people to foist on me anyway? You don't like or love them. Talk about failing your parental duties. 

You're immoral. No I'm actually a pretty moral person. But it just suits  you to make me think that because it turns the spotlight from your own risky, neglectful, immoral behavior. 

You're a disappointment. That may be but yanno what? I just realized that you're a bigger disappointment to me. And I will say, to God. You drew first blood in neglecting your responsibilities to us both. And I will grow and mature. While you will and have go to your graves as failures. Unless you take your own advice and "remember that hell is still hot" (Nancy on Facebook post, SMH). 

Dark tetrad parents steal and destroy every good thing from their child

 Hello my friends. Today I'm looking at how dark tetrad (arrogant, self-centered, manipulative cruel) parents steal and destroy every good thing their child possesses. I've written about this before and I'm going to need to write about it again, many times as I remember more things they ruined for me. Here's a list of things which most children had and which were taken from me by my parents. These are in no particular order. 

Toys. Things would be given to me and then disappear never to return. Or my parents would get me something and then take it back. I think now that they only did this for show, to make it look like they were caring for me. But they weren't. I think, though I can never prove, that most of my things were sold to fund their new families. 

Childhood. I read a quote, I think it was from Patrick Teahan something to the effect that children who are forced to spend too much time in their  parents' adult world never get to be children. Oh how heartbreakingly true that is. Dark tetrad parents abandon and neglect their parental duties, make their children  responsible for them like mini adults and rob them of their right to be a kid. 

Personhood.  Dark tetrad parents quite literally pirate the child's self. They shatter any boundaries she might form. They enmesh themselves with their child in creepy ways. They feed parasitically off their child. She has no life, identity or autonomy outside the Mothership. Who then cuts her adrift so she and  floats in space like Major Tom bewildered, lost and alone. 

Privacy. Dark tetrads make it clear in every aspect of the child's life, that she is sub human and not entitled to things normal humans have. Like personal space. They take everything and then arrogantly make the child feel in the way for needing the least little thing. All my life I've been ashamed of my singing voice (which is actually somewhat  pretty) because I was singing in the bathroom and  my dad told me I was showing off. When I told my son this story he asked "what was your dad doing in the bathroom with you." Good point. 

Sexual identity or confidence. Dark tetrads are debauched and morally bankrupt. They think, say and do sexually off things. A lot of it is flat out abusive. Then they accuse their child of doing these things. WHEN SHE IS JUST A CHILD!  She believes she is dirty when she doesn't even know or want to know anything about such things yet. Dark tetrad parents implant sick and weird ideas in the child's head that haunt her for the rest of her life. Her entire experience with intimacy is poisoned by their sickness. My mother described her  adulterous affairs in detail. She paraded around naked and made sure to highlight her voluptuousness compared to my young unformed body. My dad at 35, took me (9) on dates with his 17-year-old girlfriend.  

Medical care. Dark tetrad parents insure that their child will be crippled for life by physical injury and illness that they could have easily been treated in childhood. My back, hips and  neck are permanently twisted by early onset arthritis from doing far too  much manual labor and waiting on my parents. My dad who had good insurance never took me to the doctor. When I was sick for months on end, he illegally took a mono test kit from the hospital where he worked to save himself the money. My stepmother had expensive bariatric surgery. My mother ignored illnesses and injuries until they were out of control. I lived on penicillin for several years until my grandparents finally asked why the hell Marilisa always had a sore throat. And I finally got surgery. By that time, my tonsils were rotten with infection and recovery was so severe I lost 15 pounds. None of them were the least bit concerned or helped me thru it. My friend had to tell my mother that I wasn't eating. 

Place. Dark tetrad parents don't provide adequate space or resources for the child. She exists on the fringes like a homeless person. They foist themselves on their child in unhealthy ways. They're always yelling at her for being in the way. They give her bedroom to their brother and his girlfriend so they can play house. They make her sleep in over-crowded rooms with their babies so they can have their privacy. 

A mind of our own. We are not free from our possessive control freak dark tetrad parents even in our own heads. We don't own our own feelings, thoughts, needs, ideas or dreams. They do. They arrogantly tell us what we think even when it's nothing like that. They malign our character and assassinate our intentions. They accuse us of having sinful and wicked motives. According to them, we're always showing off, bragging or "fishing for compliments." They insult and belittle our achievements. They make themselves the center of attention to steal any limelight we might be in. They invade and colonize our brains with disturbing, painful, twisted lies. We believe them because they've groomed us from infancy to do so. And they are so loudly convincing. 

The world sees us as just normal kids because no one looks in on our living situation. They don't realize that the house we are staying in isn't ours. It's our workplace not our home. And because our parents are good at hiding the bruises they inflict. So people just expect that we can function like those who have resources and tools. We spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out how the hell we're supposed to do that. And we actually do a pretty good job given all we lack. But we never feel good about it because that was robbed from us too. 

Weird cringy things narcissists will do to get to steal attention

 HI friends. Today in my healing journey I'm relooking at some odd ways my dark tetrad parents acted and seeing it for the attention-seeking performance it was. Here are weird cringy things narcissists will do to steal center stage from the person in the limelight and put it on themselves. Brownie points added for them if they can do it in such a way as to humiliate the person they are drawing attention from or make them look like the the bad guy. I'll admit upfront, some of these are going to make me sound insensitive. But if you've lived with a chronic attention seeker, I think you'll agree. And I'm not saying we should call them out or shame them. Maybe just not get too worked up over what may very well be a fake ploy for pity. 

Tripping. I just saw this happen at a play I attended recently. A bit part character (who normally has a leading role) "fell" during the curtain call as the stars were taking bows. Now she might have accidentally fallen. Problem, I've seen her do it before. Or course all eyes are on her now and everyone is worrying if she's okay rather than applauding the curtain call. It's very disconcerting. The audience almost feels guilty for going "on with the show." 

Falling. Like tripping this is a sure way to get others to take notice. And don't get me wrong. I'm not saying everyone who trips in public is doing it for attention. I fell in the street when visiting my grandkids. My knees were bleeding but I wouldn't let us be derailed from our plans because I was embarrassed. And I didn't want to worry anyone. The way you know someone is probably milking it is when they want to worry others. They exaggerate, lying prone and still. They hold up traffic as they "catch their breath" (most likely hoping to leverage as much fuss as possible. They feign inability to get up, they sob dramatically, and more than a little bump would warrant. Six people have to come help them. I don't care if I have to crawl, I'll be damned if I'm going to make a scene like that. 

Overdramatizing injury. On the night of my wedding rehearsal dinner, my mother (after joing us for the free dinner) "fell" at home. Evidently her foot slipped off a chair she was resting it on and she bumped herself as she steadied herself. We got a call from ER saying she was hurt and rushed over (leaving our guests). She insisted on a battery of tests despite not even having a bruise. As you might guess that ended the celebration. 

Faking "convenient" illness. My mother will come to all celebrations where there is free food provided by me. Once dinner is done and it's cleanup time, she'll suddenly "feel ill" and have to leave. She's not so sick that she doesn't have time to raid the buffet to take heaping plates of leftovers. She does this every time. Or she'll "feel sick" but not call or call at the last minute to say she's not coming. At our grandson's gender reveal, she didn't call at all and we were all worried. We delayed the 1pm party as I kept trying frantically to get in contact. She finally called me at 10:30 pm to tell me she was sick. She hinted that our son should take her out to eat (and pay) because she had miss the party. 

Lie about being in need. My mother once told the family at a dinner I was not present for that "sometimes we (as in her new family) don't get enough to eat." The family called me in a panic to see why I was letting mother and her family (of which I've been excluded from) starve. Shame on Mary for not supporting grown ass adults. Said family never batted an eyelash when I was routinely neglected, abused and even kicked out of the house as a teen. 

Shouting in church. Yes I said shouting. In church. My mother are of different denominations. She doesn't approve that I converted to Catholicism. Bear in mind she doesn't go to church because of her "health" or more usually because she's mad at someone or has outstayed her welcome. (She once expected a church she'd just started to employ her as Sunday School director. She was not even a member and had no credentials or experience. Anyway, to prove a point, when she visits our church. she'll yell "AMEN!" and wave her arms. And it's not just Catholics. Our extended family are non-yelling Christian Reformed and she did this at her brother's funeral. She pretends it's religious zeal. It's not. It's just garden variety showing off for attention. Even our dearly departed must share the limelight with mother. 

Wandering out it traffic. Or just wandering off. She will say it's because she gets confused. But she also watches to see who's watching when she does it. And she plans to do it. She warns you that you'll be expected to pull her back if she randomly decides to cross the street in oncoming traffic. I watched her look both ways and purposely walk out into traffic.  I didn't stop her and she saw I wasn't going to and she stopped. Problem solved. She is not invited on walks anymore. 

Dressing inappropriately. When she was young, mom would wear super short dresses and go-go boots to conservative functions. Like my school events. So cringy. She flaunt a bikini when my friends cam over. Then as she got older she began wearing the sloppiest clothing possible. Our extended family actually put a dress code on notice of gatherings because her attire was so embarrassing. Then the coup de grace, she began wearing obvious nightgowns with little bows in public and even to dress up affairs. Like baptisms and weddings. My kids were so uncomfortable they asked me to please do something so she didn't humiliate them. People said I should just talk to her about it. But I think you get why that wouldn't work. She knew exactly what she was doing and it was guaranteed to get all eyes on her. If she couldn't be the hottest she'd be the most pathetic. For their weddings I did buy her appropriate dresses which I couldn't afford. Well, problem solved there too. Now she doesn't get invited. Sucks but I didn't ask for this. 

Pie in the face. And other humiliating pranks. My mother and her husband love mocking people until they are the butt of jokes. My mother threw a pie in my face at her work picnic where my kids and I had been invited as guest. She and hubby thought they were hilarious but no one else did. BUT she would get furious if anyone dared prank her. I never have. Mother must always be treated like a queen. Her husband started throwing snowballs and my husband fired back and one when in their precious truck. Stepdaddy dearest went ballistic with name-calling and threats. He wouldn't speak to us for months. 

These are just a few of the many things she'll do. And she's always coming up with new material so you don't get used to it and prepare. She says she likes to "shock" people because she's "never grown up and just wants to be a kid." Unfortunately it's not child-like and cute. It's malicious and hurtful. And it's only fun when she's humiliating someone else. If she just thinks you're teasing her you'll see her angry, vindictive, spiteful Medusa side but quick. 

Biblical principles don't apply to women-- especially those with CPTSD

 Hello my friends. Today I'm writing what might be my most controversial post (like your others aren't,  you're thinking?!) I'm exploring how most Biblical (and actually a lot of moral/ethical/religious) principles don't apply to women, (unless they are narcissist dark tetrads like my mother and stepmother) and especially those of us with CPTSD (complex childhood post-traumatic stress disorder). Because the Bible was not written to women and definitely not children. It was written to adult men. I'll explain and btw, if this upsets or angers you, you're free to move on. I'm not asking for permission or approval anymore, except from my Higher Power whom I call God. And I believe this comes directly from Him. 

Historically, men and women have been taught polar opposite expectations. Men were rewarded for being ruthless, arrogant, acquisitive, angry, competitive, boastful, bossy dictators. They were taught skills for which they were well paid for. Women did everything else. We were shamed into being subservient, humble, quiet, gentle. Even the hobbies of kids when I was growing up were opposite. Boys built model airplanes, played instruments and sports and enjoyed leisure while girls did chores and then played at simulated chores--childcare, cleaning and cooking. And then read beauty and pop star magazines. Even the chores were different. Girls spent hours daily cleaning the house and taking care of kids. While boys did the 30 second taking the trash out.  

So when religious ideas were being handed down, they were aimed at teaching a different path of love, joy, peace, service to others, generosity, patience, self-control and mercy. These have always been female traits. It's what we girls had been doing all along. Religion was for men. And women were excluded. Perhaps because we didn't' need to be told to be kind and humble. We already were. 

We just existed in the background as sort-of people who did all the heavy lifting. I mean look at religious orthodox Jews: the women do everything including holding down jobs while the men study Torah. It's not just them either. Men in most all religious traditions did the talking, preaching, teaching while women carried the can. Even in not particularly religious homes, moms did most of the work. Oh and if you're concerned I'm on a feminist rant, I most definitely am. But not against religion or men as a whole. Just patriarchal, chauvinist and misogynistic ones.  

For most of history women were subject to everyone: fathers, brothers, sons. When we began working outside the home, it was in subservient roles: maids, cooks, teachers, nurses, lollypop ladies. We obeyed everyone according to the dictates of the society in which we lived which was based on the religion of the time and place. We were not fully people. Just drones supposedly with no thoughts, ideas, personhood, feelings or worth. 

But news flash--we had all those aplenty. We just didn't dare express them. And our lack of self didn't exempt us from lack of demands and responsibility placed on us. We were too stupid to vote or decide anything. Yet we were expected to pretty much carry the weight of the world. It was constant chaos, confusion, gaslighting, exploitation, manipulation, abuse, neglect and scapegoating. Sound anything like life with dark tetrad parents I've described? 

And THIS is why so many traumatized children have been women. Women have been traumatized throughout history. We were subjected to unspeakable things beginning in tiny tothood. And (raising hand here) religion was used by our parents to perpetuate this horrific half-life on us. It wasn't just the Bible but all religious teaching that seemed to or actually did push us further under the waves. God, we were told, had all these expectations of us but gave us none of the tools, resources or wherewithal to actually complete these expectations. We were told to use self-control but we had NO SELF or CONTROL OVER anything, even our lives. That was for everyone else...anyone who wanted a piece. 

So here's where the problem for us women came in. When this recent paradigm shift occurred and women allowed to play in the sandbox, there was no accompanying shift in teaching specifically to women. We were supposed to just pick up and follow the rules because the de jour policy now includes us. We had to hit the  ground running with no training, keeping all the commands and expected to do all the things men had had the power to do since religions began. And we still lacked power, control and options. We had all the work with none of the perks. 

Current thinking says we're supposed to have a "relationship" with God. We were given no instruction on what that was supposed to look like save the definitions given to men. Who also had, forgive the repetition, all the tools with which to do this. Which never did and never will resemble anything like what women have been given. 

So you can't have it both ways. If women were excluded from religious practice and teaching BECAUSE  they were women then the rules cannot apply to them. Women, be honest. How many times have you sat at church or heard a reading or homily or sermon given by men, and felt nothing but frustration and despair? When you hear some guy young enough to be your son telling you about how it's important to be generous and kind. To give of self. To put God first instead of football? FFS, who do you think you're talking to, buddy? 

With all due respect (which is a lot more respect than most arrogant preachers give women), been there done that all my life. Sacrifice is my freaking middle name. And while you're preaching who do you think is  actually doing the giving of which you speak? Women. We're making your supper, educating the children, washing your clothes, changing diapers, seeing to it there's enough toilet paper. So that you can sit on your ass and compose your little homilies. 

So now it's a little more common for men to "help out." And "babysit" their kids.  But why do we still call it that if it's not still a problem? It's still shockingly common to hear men say "I don't do mestic." Society cheers toxic masculinity. And don't even get me started on the "incel manosphere." What a dipshit load of dreck. And they wonder why they're on their third marriage and that one's rocky? Some of these "woke" dudes actually call themselves Christians. Let THAT sink in. 

So it's women who have been following Bible commands, that were written by and to men, all along. That's what we're wired to do. Give, care, carry, support, nurture. Love is patient, kind, gentle, humble, forgiving, merciful, self-sacrificing. If that's not the definition of womanhood,  motherhood, sisterhood, daughterhood, I don't know what is. 

 And these Gen 2.0 men that are for the first time in history stepping up and doing their part have been taught by the women in their lives to emulate them (and God) and be humble, giving and caring. So I guess what I'm saying is, you'll pardon me if I'm a little confused, as to why we're having these conversations. And why I don't find religion particularly helpful. And actually find it frustrating.  I get it! Now tell me something that does help. 

And having said that, I will. I think the one religion in it's true form, that does address women where they are is Christianity. In the person of Jesus. I'll blog more on that tomorrow. 

Perversely counterintuitive but helpful ways to heal CPTSD

Hi there friends. I've been writing a lot about how basic common sense rules don't apply to kids of narcissistic dark tetrad parents. Because we didn't get basic or common sense care or love from our parents. We got manipulated, exploited, abused, neglected, abandoned, endangered, scapegoated, gaslit, shamed, invalidated, enmeshed, parentified, triangulated and terrorized. All contrary to good parenting. We lived the inverse ratio, lacking positive and receiving negative. And so, because everything was flip-flopped for us, we need to flip our expectations of ourselves.  Here are some perversely counterintuitive things that seem wrong but are actually helpful to but healing CPTSD.  

Don't just do something, sit there. All my life, I've been scolded if I do and scolded if I don't. I had to be up at the crack of dawn "helping" my dad do all the family housework while his wife slept the morning away. Never mind that I was kept up at night by trauma nightmares, locked in a room with his children and in a lot of pain from all the heavy work. And still it wasn't enough. I was "selfish, in the way, disobedient, lazy, too sensitive" and always the problem. Now I feel ashamed for laying around or being unproductive. I shame-dream that I'm causing everyone so much trouble just by sleeping.  So I'm trying something new and doing what feels good. I lay in bed enjoying the comfortable bed I  now have. Possibly, what feels good is also what's right. It's probably better than doing what feels bad. 

Turn the picture wrong side up to see it right. My grama hung a picture on the wall sideways because she liked it better that way. And that's what we need to do. Turn it seemingly upside down to get it right. Our parents hung the picture wrong but gaslit us that it was correct. All we were taught was backwards and opposite of what was healthy. We were taught it was selfish to take care of ourselves. We were taught to harm ourselves by "helping" others. ( I use help loosely because what it was was letting them kick us around.) Our motives, words and deeds were twisted to serve their false image. So we need to up end the narrative to get it back in correct alignment. And to do that, we need to

Expose their shame.  Yep this is going to sound completely wrong. Because we who have a conscience know it's wrong to shame others. But we then ignored the  extremely debilitating shaming we've experienced. They both humiliated us for normal kid things or even things we didn't do and then also forced us to body block (lie for, cover, excuse) them from the consequences of their very shameful behavior. But now it's time to tell our side of the story. And if that shames them, then they shouldn't have done shameful things in the first place. 

Tell secrets. Keeping secrets is fine except when doing so hurts. And keeping silent about parental abuse and neglect only makes it worse. It's also not their secret to keep. Again with their devious lying, they've made us think so. Because they arrogantly think everything is about how if affects them. But it's not. It's our story to tell if we wish. And I've found telling it helps a bit and is certainly better than hiding in shame. Just make sure to tell trusted, safe people who won't weaponize it or shame you further. And if they do...

Do something uncomfortably different. If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten. And with dark tetrad parents that's nothing but shit and shoved in it. So instead of fawning, freezing, fleeing, fixing, all the crap trauma response you were taught to use, stand up and fight back. Yeah, fighting is a coping response too. But I don't mean defensive lash back. I mean calm, confident balls-out, no surrender hell-no-we-won't go strike. And if need be...

Fight fire with fire. This is one instance where you have to. When dark tetrads attack, ambush and sucker punch, don't back down or grovel. This only feeds their arrogance. Don your Kevlar, put the flame thrower on idle and show them you're ready. I know this flies in the face of everything I stand for. BUT this is a different sort of fight. This is personal. And no amount of rising above will stop them. So you need to stop them in their tracks. 

Attack first. All our lives we've played fair while the dark tetrads played foul. They gaslit us into thinking we had to follow rules they didn't have to. Dark tetrad parents play a bunch of minds games, they love me, they love me not. Who are you getting today, nice or nasty mommy, angry or happy daddy? Their entire base of operations is covert attack. So, don't wait for them to decide. Catch them off guard and be the aggressor for once. Because once is probably all it will take.  And then walk, don't run, away. And close the door. If nothing else, you'll let them know you're done rolling over. 

Yes I know, you're asking, could you give us some examples? Because these all sounds like terrible ideas. Well, I did say they were counterintuitive. But desperate times call for desperate measures. And so without further aphorism ado (LOL) yes, I will. 

Throughout my entire life with my mother's lazy, no-good husband, he has randomly and savagely ambushed me when the mood struck. I would then cry and beg his forgiveness for whatever trumped up nonsense he attacked me with. Somehow in my shell-shocked mind, I believed that I had done something to provoke it. My mother stood by quietly approving him and wagging her finger at me. And would then sanctimoniously "allow" me back in after a period of penance and mortification. I've since learned he was usually either angry with her or mad because well let's just say he had some perversions involving young girls which I set off. Gross. 

Anyway, what I will do next time I see them, if I ever do, is to tell them both off. I will not give them a chance to start anything or even speak. They've said too much already. I will have my say and then exit. I will not accept any apologies or explanations. They will all be blame-shifting, backpeddling, gaslighting lies. And the time for apologies came and went decades ago. Apologies that come only after someone has confronted you with a truth you have been hiding all your life are no apology at all. True contrition comes from soul-searching and remorse which dark tetrads don't do or  have. 

I did this once when my dad's wife sucker punched me in an email. As you do. She accused me of ruining her self-ruined relationship with her son (whom I had basically raised because she was too lazy to) She said I was wrong to tell him about her using my computer to lure pedophiles (as if I could make that up). Also I was  an angry, poisonous person and the cause of all their problems (!). Even though this problem child had done all the family's work for them. Like any good narcissist, she's always the victim even when she's the perpetrator. 

Normally, I'd fawn and apologize for any trouble I'd caused. But this time I decided enough was enough. And I just enumerated exactly what was wrong with all she said. I didn't call names, insult or attack. I just spoke the truth. And you know what? She backed down and admitted that everything I said was true. She did not apologize. But I didn't care. I felt better for having been honest and not letting myself be sacrificed to her inner cabal. 

Weirdest and most devastating aftershocks of childhood abandonment and neglect by dark tetrad parents

Hi friends. As I go along this journey of healing from CPTSD (complex or childhood post traumatic stress disorder) I learn new things every day. Last night, I had a dream (nightmare) which demonstrated one of the weirdest and most devastating aftershocks of childhood abandonment, endangerment and neglect by my four dark tetrad parents. 

First of all, let me explain that I dream a lot: every night all night long, very disturbing, frightening dreams. Chaotic dreams of being responsible for many people, in dangerous, overwhelming situation. I wake up crying out, feeling like I'm strangling, I once almost suffocated myself because my face was pressed in the pillow and sleep paralysis made me unable to move. I could sleep for 12 hours and not feel rested. 

Most of my dreams involve being responsible for many children while also being expected to do all kinds of housework, chores, cooking, laundry, etc. The environment is always filthy, broken down and unsafe. These, my husband pointed out, are probably more in the nature of memories. Pretty much all the housework was put on me as a kid. I was parentified and made to care for my parents, their two new spouses and all their children. I didn't get proper medical care. I have serious back damage from doing heavy work too young. 

My parents have neglected and endangered me all my life. At times, they've randomly abandoned me. I was dumped at a summer camp and and then with strangers (in Alaska, 4000 miles from my family) at six. I was a latchkey kid at 8, before there was a word for it. I was left home alone all summer once. I have wandered alone in strange cities not knowing where my parents were. I was playing alone in a park two blocks from home at four

 Scary, abusive and sexually off people were put in my life. Some slept in my room.  I have lived in very sketchy situations including being transient with parents and sleeping on the floor or on unheated porches. I was kicked out of the house at 16 and had to fend as best I could. I know this sounds made up. I wish it was. 

That all changed when I got married. Life was consistent and good. We never had much but it was clean and safe for our children. My husband loved me and was always there for me. The children had what they needed and I took good care of them. At least I think I did. My dreams tell another story and that's what's so weird and disturbing. 

In my dreams, I'm the one neglecting my children. But I don't know how it happens. I mean that all of a sudden, a baby appears which is my own. But I haven't nursed her or held her for weeks. I don't know where she came from or who has been caring for her. It's not like she was lost. It's more like I was and only just found myself. I'm confused, anxious and very worried. This happens in other dreams with various children of different ages. 

I'm not caring for them because I don't know where they are. Then there are the dreams of having large groups of kids I'm trying to care for. Terrifying things  happen to them. They get abducted, lost, badly injured, fall off cliffs or drown. I'm working so hard to protect them and they still get hurt.  Sometimes it's one of my grandchildren or children. Sometimes kids I don't know. My husband says I'm always waking up looking for the children. 

I wake up completely bewildered. It takes me about 10 minutes to come into reality. But in the back of my mind, the fears lurk.  Did it happen? Is there a baby needing me? Have I abandoned my children? If so WHERE ARE THEY?? And the dreams, while not completely repetitive are always similar. They don't go away and become part of my memory bank. I have often said I have more nightmare memories than actual memories. 

So I think part of it stems from the loss of two stillborn daughters. I will always grieve them. But I think it might be little me that I'm grieving too. I think my mind can't wrap itself around how my parents could so endanger, abandon and neglect me. And then with equally callous disregard, make me be responsible to them for all they didn't do for me. How they could endanger AND exploit, neglect me and expect me to serve them. That's the definition of dark tetrad, I've learned. But I didn't know it then.

I think my child brain can't accept that they were not safe, loving, nurturing parents but threats and slavedrivers. The very people who were supposed to keep me safe not only didn't but purposely put me in harm's way. I think my inner child can't process how afraid and  helpless I felt. So I think my dreams cast me as the neglectful parent because this I can do something about. 

My inner child knows, I think, that if I was her parent, I would not have allowed these terrible things to happen to her. I would have kept her safe. I wouldn't have put her in such awful situations it the first place. And if accidents happened I'd have been there to do my damnedest to rescue her.  I would have cared. 

 And you know, I've got to say, it's pretty pathetic not only that I had to endure such frightening things alone but also that I have to relive them each night as the perpetrator. The ones who should be nightmaring all night are my parents. But such is the paradoxical dilemma of childhood trauma. Literally the definition of shit and shoved in it.  

Cringy and pathetic things childhood trauma makes me do

Hi friends. The further I go toward unpacking my childhood trauma, the more I realize how it has affected my entire being. Every thought, act, word is tainted by abuse and neglect by four dark tetrad parents. There's no corner of my life that it has not infiltrated. Because, as the saying goes, old sins cast long shadows. And the Bible says the sins of the fathers shall be visited down the generations. Today I'm exploring cringy and frankly pathetic things CPTSD makes me do. 

Fawn. See also cower, grovel, kowtow, appease, sacrifice. I have literally presented myself, like a female animal in mating, for any weird, sick, disgusting thing someone wants to do. I have offered myself up on a platter to anyone who wanted a piece. Because I was groomed and gaslit to believe that not to was selfish. 

Jump at my own shadow. You know if you've read earlier posts how I hate with a red shooting passion that stupid expression faith over fear. Easy to say if you've been taught to be confident. If you've been terrorized and told to be afraid, by dark tetrads it's quite another thing. So don't lecture me, buddy, on fear. I've been in situations that would make you soil yourself. So yes, I look ridiculous when a balloon goes off and I hit the dirt. No shit. They don't call it CPTSD for nothing. 

Tilt at windmills. I have fought off what appeared to be imaginary foes. But they were real. It's just that I couldn't safely do battle with them at the time of the actual threat. So now, my sense of danger is destroyed. I see it where it doesn't exist and miss it when it does. But these are offensive moves but defensive. I'm warding of blows, sort of. 

Bring a flower to a gunfight. I don't come prepared for fights because I also lack proper weapons and armor because I was never given any. I was only groomed to obey and allow hurt. You know how they say kids are so resilient? Bullshit. Traumatized children are little messes of scars and wounds. And any resilience and fight-back we once had has been shot to hell. All we know to do in the face of danger is smile weakly and hold out a little dandelion bouquet. 

Stumbly feebly. I literally fall a lot. I'm a clumsy klutz. Probably because I've been reduced by so much harm, to being legless and armless, like Monty Python's Black Knight. I've only got bloody stumps where limbs  once grew. I'm mentally disabled. What's holding me together, I'm not sure. I hope it's God. 

Babble incoherently. Because I've bitten my tongue so much there's not much left. And because I'm always mentally editing what I say in case it angers someone. I don't even allow myself to think many things. When I do talk freely, I'm scared to death of the response. 

Overreact. And sometimes, all this repression, shame, frustration and helpless hopelessness just busts out and I can't check it and so I wreck myself. I try really hard not to wreck others. Even those who have provoked the overreaction. And overreact is such a tidy word for what is a horribly  messy process. Nuclear meltdown might be better. 

These are just a few of the ridiculous and awkward things I've been taught to do. And been shamed for doing. Because many people have a bad habit of fault-finding, based on ignorant arrogance. These street preachers haven't experienced childhood trauma like we have.  They have been given tools and resources and support which we haven't. 

Even just calling it ridiculous myself is buying into this judgey preachy thing we do. What it is is sad. If you see someone doing these things, say a prayer and offer a hand. Reach out in empathy and save the holier than thou for when you are falling apart. Judge, judge thyself. That's what the Bible and common courtesy requires. You know, Good Samaritan and all that. Because not all wounds are visible. Some only show up in the behavior they cause. 

If you can't help, at least don't hinder. Just shut up, move on and take your self-righteous attitude with you. And remember what Jesus said about the measure you use on others being used on you. 

Surprising and scary ways dark tetrad parents damage their kids

 Good morning my friends. In my quest to heal CPTSD from abusive parents, I'm looking at surprising and scary ways dark tetrad parents damage their kids. And they way the do it, is, like everything else they do: twisted, manipulative and self-serving. Dark tetrads are arrogant, entitled, exploitative, mercenary, psychopathic and cruel. But they are also deceptive. It sometimes take the kid decades to see just how extensive the childhood trauma went. 

Dark tetrad parents break their child's trust. But not in the way you might be thinking. We don't trust too little but too much. We trust everyone, blindly, implicitly and dangerously. Everyone but one person that is. We don't trust ourselves. We believe everyone else knows better than us and we let them exploit our unhealthy trust and take advantage of us. Demented right? You ain't seen nuttin yet. 

Because the way they sabotage our trust mechanism is even more deranged. And the way they do this can be found in the paradox between "dark tetrad" and "parent." They behave in untrustworthy ways, breaking promise, backstabbing, lying, future faking, scamming and shamming their child. BUT they do it under the guise of "parent." Because they hold the title of parent, the child believes that this IS how genuine parents are supposed to act. What we don't know is that any resemblance to normal caring parents is skin deep. 

The dark tetrads have their child so conditioned that she sees dangerous behavior as appropriate and unsafe people as perfectly reliable. What we don't know is that the only thing they can be relied on to do is the most selfish, hurtful and humiliating things possible to us. And then laugh at us for being ashamed and get pissed at us for being hurt. 

They gaslight us it's what we deserve because we're such burdens. Or that we're just too sensitive. They tell us God wants us to lie down for any and all abuse that anyone wants to subject us to. And we just absorb all that into our poor broken little hearts and feel more and more self-loathing. 

They throw up all kinds of red flags and then tell us to ignore them. They do shady, scary, hypocritical, immoral and illegal things and then lie and say we did them. Or that mommy and daddy (and their new people when they remarry) are right to do them. They hold us up to endless double standards. And we just believe that our parents must be special exceptions. Or we don't question at all. 

They destroy our confidence and discernment. They ruin any chance we have at living healthy lives. Any time they see us demonstrate the simplest of self-care skills they squash it like a bug. They tenderize us so we're good and malleable. They break us so that we are in constant pain and can barely move let alone resist them.  

Why would they do this? For the same reasons dark tetrads do everything. They aren't just self-centered, they are malicious. It's not enough for them to get their way. It  has to come at someone else's expense. And that is their child, 

 

 

Debunking hurtful myths about kids who go no contact with dark tetrad parents

 Hello my friends. Today I want to debunk some hurtful myths about adult children of narcissists or dark tetrads, who go low to no contact with their parents. Please be advised that this like so many of my posts on CPTSD from childhood trauma will be raw and triggering to some. All my life, I've lived with abuse (physical, sexual, emotional medical, religious and financial), neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, parentification, marginalization, exclusion from family, scapegoating, invalidation, endless shaming, bullying and  gaslighting by four narcissistic and dark tetrad parents. I've only just recently become aware of how bad it really was. Two of them have passed and I've since decided to greatly limit contact with the other two, my mom and her husband. It's one of the most challenging things I've ever done. 

And these false statements and myths about estranged parents and children don't help. They are shaming gaslighting and anyone who would say them is cruel and hurtful. Especially people who have no idea of what happened and are just looking to pontificate. Or worse yet, those who do and are covering for or enabling the dark tetrad parents. They clearly don't have our best interests at heart. I don't get what their angle is but they have one, make no mistake. So let me just  set the record straight on these wrong-headed ideas. 

1) We didn't go no contact with our parents, they left us For years they've distanced themselves unless they wanted something. They were both overly demanding and under caring of me. I always say my parents didn't divorce each other as much as they divorced me. When they got married again, it was to equally selfish, bullying people whom they allowed to do as they wished with me. And then completely cut me out of their families as a member, I was just unpaid staff. 

2) We don't go no contact, we just accept they have excluded us and we let them.  We quit holding the door open when they slam it in our faces. We quit bending over backwards to be kicked. We quit deluding ourselves and now accept the fact that they have never loved us. They just used us. 

3) We didn't end the relationship because there never was one to end. There was only a business transaction which we never agreed to and which no matter how much we kept our end of the bargain, they let theirs down. I've been paying into a bank account for 60 years that I've never been able to withdraw from. 

4) Despite all this, we don't do it lightly. Or easily Or quickly. It takes us years or decades to finally get the message. It hurts us like hell, even and especially as they never cared. That's the remorseless nature of the dark tetrad. 

5) We don't do it for retribution, vengeance, punishment or even notice. This isn't some grand gesture. It's not a Parthian shot. Or a vendetta. Just our pitiful little white flag of surrender to the inevitable. 

6) We didn't go no contact to hurt them, but to save ourselves. They are not the victims. They are perpetrators and always have been We're the battered, barmy and broken ones. Which is why, obviously, we've had to get ourselves out of their path. 

7) We don't owe anyone any justification, reasons, defense or explanation on why we are cutting contact.  They will demand these, but why should we bother explaining to tell the very people who created the problems in the first place? They know what they did and they did them on purpose. They just want to hurt us more making us detail what they did, so they can sit in judgement, tearing apart our statement, denying, lying and blame-shifting. 

8) You failing to understand is not our problem. By you, I mean anyone who would question, second-guess or criticize us. Those who don't know me or them, why are you protecting them. Those who do, I shouldn't have to tell you. You don't want to help. You just want to shame. If you really wanted to help me, you had plenty of opportunity over the years. Now the window has closed.   

9) We're not looking for closure. We've been burned enough times and have the scars to prove it, to know that that will never happen. They will never humble themselves, admit what happened or their fault in it, let alone apologize. We get it 

9) We're not looking for restitution or even apology. Because that would require the dark tetrad to admit what they have done. And they never will.  They might say the words of apology but they're insincere, said in this oh-so-holier than thou, aggrieved, self-righteous way that lets you know how very magnanimous they are for just granting you an audience. 

10) We should not "just try to work it out." That's all we've ever done and at our own expense. We've forgiven too much and none of which they were sorry for. All we did was to make excuses for them and endlessly patch things up. It will never work out because dark tetrads don't work for harmony. They demand control and have this delusional idea that they are some kind of moral authority, far above any censure. All we'll get in the process is shaming, blame-shifting, gaslighting and accusations of lying, showing off, attention-seeking. Been there, and am still trying to recovering from that. 

11) They should not be allowed "their side of the story" Because that implies that this is just some sort of disagreement between us with both parties contributing to the problem. But it's not. It's one-sided aggression. And that's all anyone has ever heard anyway, is their side. And their side is lies, deceit, manipulative story-changing, victim-pleading, blaming, distancing from accountability. We were never heard, seen, acknowledged, vindicated, or even helped by anyone, including the flying monkeys. Which is why the only alternative we had was to to go no contact. We were always only going to get their knife in our back. 

12) We should not let bygones be bygones (whatever the hell that stupid cliche means). The past trauma is not in the past though we wish it were. It lives, endlessly in our  heads and hearts because it was planted there by dark tetrads who knew exactly what they were doing. Letting it go would just ensure they continue. 

13) We have no choice. Given all this that I have said, it's clear that the options were never ours. They held all the cards. And if cornered, they just flip-flop, lie and lie again. My mother opens her eyes wide, plays the ingenue and spins a yarn a mile long about how all she's ever done, either never happened or was someone else's fault. And then she goes right back to doing it, self-satisfied that she still retains the upper hand. 

14) Not only did we never have, we never WILL have a safe, healthy relationship with dark tetrad parents. That way only leads to pain. The one and only time I confronted anything to my mother, all I got was the sucker punch confirmation of all this. It's not possible because they only love themselves and hurt you. Anything but no contact is deadly. 

15) We didn't ask for any of this. We just got landed in it. We didn't cause it and we can't control or fix it. And we don't have to. The best we can do is let go and let God.