Toxic positivity BS that Christians gaslight kids of narcissist parents with

 Hey friends. I'm going to start with a very frank admission. As an adult child with CPTSD from Christian narcissist parent abuse, I don't have much use for churches or Christians. I'm don't hold God responsible as such for their behavior. I've been told that through all their abuse and neglect he was there with  me (by people who weren't there and didn't experience what I experienced. And they may be right. I don't have a lot of memories besides bad ones. But I can remember this. It was just me in those situations and I didn't feel like anyone was there. No family. Neither of my parents. Not their new people. No church or friends. And that was a bitch. 

When I say I have little use for church, I'm not trying to sound above it all. I didn't arrive at this from any esoteric, intellectual quest but from a lifetime of pain, suffering, abandonment, endangerment, manipulation, exploitation, parentification, invalidation, cruelty, deprivation, humiliation. From living in in the impossible  hypocritical double standards of four malignant narcissist parents who were supposed to love me but didn't. I was their scapegoat. Nothing about the lives of normal people was part of mine. The only consistency was chaos. I had to earn any good thing I needed with unreasonable demands that I never managed to meet. I was a slot machine always paying out at my expense. 

So the nice Bible stories, prayers, songs and sermons never seem to apply to me. I can't hear the love in scripture because I was raised to make my selfish arrogant parents gods.  I don't hate anyone. I just don't get anything much from religion besides more shame and pain. Because, and let me be clear about this, most church people don't know jackshit about childhood trauma. And they care even less. I've been so damaged by so many "christians" in so many churches through my 61 years that I doubt I'll ever recover fully. 

My parents gaslit everyone, calling themselves Christians while treating me in ways completely contrary to the Bible. They lived immoral lives and were completely neglectful of me in the name of religion. They left me alone in strange  places starting at age 4, so they could do their "mission work." I have no idea what they did because I was never part of it. I was along for the arm candy I could provide. 

So all these sweet sounding injunctions about how to get along with people and how I'm supposed to act as this brain damaged kid. Most of it is irrelevant and best and toxic gaslighting and abuse at the core. Stuff like, kill them with kindness, rise above, be the bigger person, forgive. If you've been abuse you know that you already did and do all these things and it makes the narcissists more entitled and abusive. 

So before anyone even begins to try to advise a child or adult child of narcissist parents, they need to know their audience. Read the room. Watch this child's behavior. Listening won't tell you much because we abused kids are just one big trauma response, mostly fawning. We will not give you the real story about how they treat us. But it's there if you look. 

And please for God's sake stop with the toxic positivity horse crap. Actually don't do this with any child or any adult who comes to you humbly seeking help. If all you have is your religion's patois save it. Remember, fools rush in (with advice) where angels fear to tread. Just admit to them that you don't have experience with this but that you care and will hold space for them. Know that these are people who are hurting from decades of abuse. VALIDATE them because no one else has. 

Also know that suicide is off the charts high among kids who've suffered narcissistic parent abuse an neglect. Especially those of us whose parents said they did this in the name of God. We've endured so much deceit, shame, cruelty and gaslighting. Pause to consider that you may be their last hope before they end it for good. Do you really want to assist them on their way out the door? 

Narcissist parents lie and gaslight kids to damage their sense of self

, Hello my friends. Today I listened to a talk on Youtube by psychologist Patrick Teahan about how narcissist parents destroy a child's sense of self by creating a false narrative about the child embedding their wrong version in her mind. In laymen's terms, they lie to and about their child and gaslight her into believing wrong things about herself. That is spot on what my parents and their new spouses did to me. The image they painted of me was of a disobedient, stupid, mouthy, bitter, jealous, selfish, arrogant, stingy, lazy spoiled brat. I was too sensitive but also too critical, a show off and a liar. That's all so rich coming from them, I see in retrospect. 

And I believed them that I was the cause of all their problems. I was continually working to correct these "character flaws" I supposedly had. I was too obedient, to the point of doing all their work. I kept quiet and rolled over for everything including neglect, abandonment, endangerment and abuse. I was so humble I groveled. I endlessly gave away things I needed to survive and they endlessly took, depriving me of even the most basic care. I welcomed any  new person they shoved on me and bent over backwards for them. When they raged at, threatened, hit, stole from, humiliated, mocked, kicked me out of the house, made me do all kinds of inappropriate things, I just assumed it was what I deserved. I have felt this way all my life. I was groomed to expect poor treatment. 

You might think this sounds a bit exaggerated and it was, but not by me. I downplayed it. All my life I did what I call the 6 Ex's of their abuse. I excused, exonerated, expunged, excepted, explained away, exempted all the wrong they did to me. I took on myself the consequences of their bad actions both in the harm they caused and by allowing myself to be scapegoated. I was blamed for every bad thing they did. The exaggeration of my "terrible behavior" was on their part. But they did their job well and their version of me is the one that sticks. 

I now have the onerous task of sorting out what was true and what was false and then trying to rewrite a more accurate understanding of myself. And I see that their scapegoating of me served their malignant narcissistic agenda. And as such it  renders everything they said, wrong. I'd have an easier time sorting fly crap from pepper than figuring out what parts were accurate. So I've decided to throw the entire thing out because it's all fake. I was framed as the problem to distract from their wrongdoing both to me and to a lot of people. Each of my four "parents' has burned through many relationships. Unfortunately, that didn't occur until later. 

When I was young,  they were able were able to con a lot of people. People who should have helped me but didn't. Either because they didn't care or  because they believed the lies. So this is how a narcissist parents creates a false self-image in their children. They design a fake ID of the child. They lie and get their version in first before the child is old enough to see it as fake. They hurry to tell others their false version because as you probably know, the first version of a story is almost always the one believed no matter how untrue or ludicrous it is.  That's how false accusations perpetuate. And the innocent victim of the smear campaign has a devil of a time changing people's minds. 

The liars don't have to prove their lies. They just accuse and then the victim has to disprove lies that if they'd never been told no one would even think about. Often the lies are so patently stupid that they're obviously wrong. But they're cleverly said by the liar to make them sound convincing. Narcissists aren't amateurs in the deceit game. They know what to say and how to say it. Such as my dad calling me "disobedient" when everyone knew I was doing the lion's share of the work in his foster care home. They knew because they said that them having an adult foster care home with young children was a terrible idea to begin with. 

They knew I was doing work that was far too heavy and dangerous. They knew that everything he was accusing me of was kid stuff that all children do. Stuff he did as a kid and even as an adult! And yet somehow, no one stood up to Jack when he would rage at me in front of them. Did no one else see the irony in that?? My dad raging, as in spitting in my face, about how I was angry?? But yet, they must have believed that I was the problem. At least that's how my 11 y/o self interpreted their silence. As consent. Ergo my wrong assumptions that it was all my fault. 

Narcissist parents also use partial truths or they tell half the story. The half that paints them as the hero-victim-martyr. And the child as the perpetrator. They say the child got angry but they don't tell how they enraged their child. My mother told everyone I was a liar and untrustworthy (that would be her). She said I was forgetful and that I lost things. To explain away why so many of my things disappeared when she was around. 

Now this is also obviously wrong and why they believed her, I don't know. Everyone that knows Nancy  knows she's "tricky" as one aunt put it. They also know she's deceitful, arrogant, entitled, haughty, demanding, two-faced, hypocritical, adulterous, serial cheater, neglectful and abusive mother, an exhibitionist, attention-seeking liar and thief. Definition of a malignant narcissist. But yet these same common sense people let themselves be gulled by her so often. They never, ever tried to help me deal with her. They never even acknowledged any of her horrible behavior to me. They (as in my entire family) left me to cope alone. Which is yet another reason I thought the problem was me. 

Which leads me to the next gaslighting trick narcissist parents use against their child. They rely on the fact that the things they do are so outrageously, egregiously, blatantly wrong that no one believes any parent would or could do these things. But believe me they can and do. Just the fact that my stories sound so outlandish (like them abandoning me alone at 6 3K miles from home with strangers) should be proof that they happened. I could never make this up! 

They also use the aforementioned exaggeration and manipulation to make the child's normal behavior sound like selling state secrets. That's what actually got me understanding where the problem lay. I think of how I do things with my children and grandkids, that were the opposite of what I experienced.  And terrible things I'd never dream of doing were done to me. And I realize that I was a child too. 

Exhaustion and ill health from narcissistic parent abuse follows us into adulthood

 Hello my friends. I am exhausted and I have been for as long as I can remember. I could sleep 12 hours and wake up more tired than when I went to bed. I can't breathe when I sleep. I wake up choking. I nightmare all night long. This is not laziness. This is from chronic expectation, demands and abuse from narcissistic parents that has followed me all my life. My brain hurts from the constant gaslighting, invalidation and shaming. 

Normal things require far more energy than they should. I don't eat right because my stomach hurts and if I do eat, I can't stay awake. Every muscle aches and burns. This is not exaggerated. It's downplayed. I've felt like this all my life but it took me 6 decades to articulate it. And I've not let it slow me down. I'm the power through girl because I had to be. There was no excuse my mom and her husband or dad and his wife would except for not doing their work. 

And I do mean their work. My "duties" as a kid were not kid appropriate. I had far more chores than anyone else I knew. I see now that I didn't just do my work but everyone's. And under conditions that no one should have had to do. For example, twice a week, I had to mop the floor on my hands and  knees when mops were readily available and cheap. If they'd done it themselves they'd have used one. And they  made me vacuum with huge heavy antiquated vacuum when everyone else's family had a lightweight upright. So it must have been some kind of sadistic thing watching me crawling around with a rag or lugging a heavy industrial size vacuum. My dad would say "well I have to use this, you can too." But he didn't. Nobody did but me. 

I had to make supper and clean it up, set and clear the table and do dished, plus make lunches for everyone. I was still in the kitchen at 8pm while everyone was in front of the TV. And I still had all my homework to do. I wasn't able to participate in any after school activities because there were always chores to be done. I had to babysit whenever they demanded it. I had to co-sleep with their babies because my dad and his wife "needed their rest." I was locked in with one of them. 

And then there was all the ironing to be done. And clothes to fold. My husband he remembers helping me fold clothes while my siblings played and my stepmother watched TV. In fact, she'd sit there on the couch ignoring the three baskets of clothing waiting for me to get home from night classes in college s o I could fold them. I was taking a full load of classes plus teaching full time and doing homework. And I was still responsible for them. 

I also had to clean the bathroom (including when they had a foster care home, cleaning up after four adult men). I was responsible for dusting their furniture, feeding the pets and cleaning the cat box. I had to help shovel snow. I had to help put groceries away. I changed diapers and bathed the children. I read them stories and tucked them in. I got to thinking not too long ago. If I did all that what other housework was there to do? And I realized, nothing more. My step mother did nothing. My half siblings did nothing. My stepfather did nothing. My mom and dad puttered. So I feel justified in saying that I ran their households. 

But I didn't understand that till just recently. My husband has persistently said that they overworked me and subjected me to inhuman conditions no one else in my two families lived with. I was exploited and manipulated, parentified and scapegoated while also being abused and neglected. And now I have the back, hip, shoulder and neck problems to prove it. And autoimmune and arthritis and breathing problems. These didn't just start. I've had them for as long as I can recall. 

It's frustrating because now I can't enjoy the things I should be able to because I'm so burned out. That's the image for it, too. Not just burned but burnt out. Used up. I've cut contact with my narcissistic parents but they still have a hold over me from all the gaslighting, invalidation and deprivation. I would love to let it go and I have but it won't let me go. I'm writing a lot about this now to try to evict them from my life. To purge the indoctrination, the trauma memories. 

And yes, before you say it, I've prayed. Oh how I've prayed. And I'm too empty to have any more words. I'm tired. I just want to sleep well and heal from all this. My narcissistic parents  have never suffered any consequences. They just maintain their entitled arrogant denial of it all. My mother endlessly lies and distorts. It's bad enough to be abused as a child and teen but for the abuse to continue hurting the victim and never the perpetrator is just so wrong. 

Malignant narcissist parents systematically invalidate and gaslight their scapegoat kids to break them

 Hello my friends. Today, I watched a Youtube vlog by Dr. Ramani explaining how narcissists invalidate (shame, dismiss and criticize)  and gaslight (lie and twist to deny someone else's reality) and the difference between invalidation and gaslighting. Today I'm going to explain how dark tetrad malignant narcissist parents invalidate and gaslight  their scapegoat kids. They don't just do this occasionally. It is their modus operandi. Using a cocktail of invalidation, coercive control, deprivation and gaslighting, malignant narcissist parents systematically and strategically break their scapegoat child. 

They are playing a long game of death by a thousand cuts, with the intent to destroy any good thing their child has, thinks, feels or does. They parentify the child, making her responsible for them and anyone they drag into her life and subject her to (hookups, boyfriends, girlfriends, new spouses, new kids). They also infantilize her, undermining her confidence, shaming and criticizing how she parents them. Yes I said that. They force the child to take on their adult jobs and responsibilities which the child isn't capable of doing. They also don't model, assist or give adequate resources for completing these tasks. The child is expected to complete tasks like an adult while being given no authority or power. They demand all kinds of unreasonable things of her. They indoctrinate her to believe she owes them everything and they owe her nothing. My husband has said that all four of my narcissist parents treated me worse than an indentured servant in that I could never work off my indenturement. 

They also use coercive control plus deprivation to weaken the child and cripple her ability to see what they are doing or protect herself. They move the child far from any support.  They deny the child basic needs and rights as a family member. They cut her short on sleep by making her co-sleep with babies in cramped rooms. They deprive her of a proper bed. I've spent many nights on couches, sleeping on the floor, in camp cots or on the ground. I rarely had any space of my own. There was not enough food provided for me while they had plenty. I didn't take a bath for my sixth year of my life because no one saw to it I had a roof over my head let alone running water or a bathroom. We were not poor. They had just decided to up and leave to be missionaries. What they ended up doing was abandoning me and then divorcing. 

I've been tired and exhausted since childhood. I can't sleep without trauma nightmares. I'm too weary to fight it and they know that. They are not weary because they have always had me to do the heavy lifting. They are energized by their own arrogance. They are well fed at my expense. They've always seen to their own medical care even to the point of factitious ailments. Yet neglected my basic care which has rendered me even more run down. I have back damage on par with someone on a chain gang or who did hard labor. 

Then they swoop in with the gaslighting and invalidation. They lie and manipulate memories painting the child as the problem. They deny that what happened happened. They downplay it. Or they twist it into something it wasn't. And they blame-shift. My memories are very, very confused and distorted. I've forgotten large chunks of my life. What I do recall is very bad. This is the effect of gaslighting and invalidation. I sometimes call gaslighting gassing because it damages the brain so badly. But they can't gaslight away the nightmares and physical damage they caused. 

These conspire together to squash the child's sense of self and then to create a false sense that the child is nothing more than their scapegoat, slave, surrogate spouse and parent. The child is groomed to believe that she is not a unique self but just a possession to be used by her narcissist parents however they want. And as a possession, separated parents enslave her to any new person they decide to hook up with as well. So affair partners, boyfriends, girlfriends, new spouses, new children. And they categorically deny and ignore all that happened as if it never did. My first 21 years of life might never have been because no one has ever acknowledged any of the crazy. It's like they were keeping me around for their convenience yet trying to erase me as a person. And they succeeded in many ways. 

Adult Kids of malignant narcissist parents endlessly trauma respond

 Hello my friends. Today I'm going to share some discoveries I've been making about myself. As an adult child of malignant narcissist parents (4, two bio and two stepparents) I suffered a great deal of abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, manipulation, triangulation, parentification, scapegoating and gaslighting about it all. This doesn't end in childhood. It continued all my life with these people and would till one of us died, had I not cut ties. Adulthood for children of narcissists isn't the same as it is for non-abused kids. We grow up in it and it forms our core being. We get used to be stolen from, lied to and exploited. I expect to be treated badly. That's how they groomed me to to not only tolerate but believe I deserve mistreatment. 

So as I grew, I didn't develop healthy coping skills or even survival skills. I learned only to trauma respond with fawning (groveling, dogged obedience), flight (running away when possible), freezing (staying small and quiet) and fighting (rarely and only when provoked beyond endurance and I had a surprisingly high pain tolerance for someone whose resources were so depleted). There's another trauma response I'll add which I did a lot and that's fixing. I constantly feel the need to repair for people, at my own expense, things they break. I let them gaslight me and put responsibility on me which is not mine. I placate, people please and endlessly serve. I hate that word. All the joy was stripped from it by unpleasable, relentless narcissist parents' inappropriate expectations and demands. 

What I've discovered is that basically all my kneejerk behaviors are trauma responses not healthy choices. I never do what I want because I want to. I only donwhat I think I SHOULD do which is what others' expect of me. If that happens to also be good for me, okay. If not, okay too. I'm over-giving and riddled with guilt for not giving enough. Boy does that come in handy for the narcissists. I give too much and they take too much and then exploit my constant shame to get more. And they never face any consequences. I take them all on myself. I'm a broken slot machine that keeps paying out her own pocket and apologizing when I run out. Plus they get they malignant, safistic narcissistic supply from seeing me ashamed. Yes that's disgusting. 

I give in and retract when someone eschews my ideas, puts me down or criticizes me. My first response is to believe they are right, then feel ashamed and apologize. Without thinking. Then I self flagellate myself for being so stupid.  I'm raw meat for a malignant narcissists voracious appetite. 

Lowdown, dirty tricks malignant narcissist parents play on their scapegoat child

 Hi friends. Today in my quest to heal CPTSD from malignant narcissist parent abuse, I'm looking at lowdown dirty tricks that narcissist parents play on their scapegoat child. Very often these tricks are insidious, passive-aggressive and sneaky that the child (raising my hand here) doesn't even realize she has been pranked until decades later. 

Hide and never find. Also called let's see how much we can steal from our child without her knowledge. Malignant narcissist parents are incredibly underhanded, secretive and cunning. They also think that they own their children and therefor their children's possessions. Even things other people give the child. It just occurred to a few months ago to wonder where all my toys and possessions went. There's literally nothing left of my childhood to prove I even existed. I'm not talking things that disappeared in adulthood. My things disappeared from my mom's house when I left to go to my dad's house or vice versa. Money just mysteriously evaporated out of my bank. My entire Canadian money collection vanished. My mother got mad at me for wondering and blamed my friend, suggesting she took it. If I asked about missing things, I was snapped at to stop being so greedy and possessive. (?!) And then they, who always skint suddenly had money for new things for boyfriends. 

Narcissist parents invent a false version of the child that gaslight people and the child. To cover their light-fingeredness, they told people and me, that I lost a lot things. They groomed me to expect to be stolen from, by making me think the problem was me. That I was forgetful and didn't take care of my belongings. It also painted me as unappreciative.  So I began to think of myself as careless. I got so used to my stuff coming up missing that I stopped searching.  As I look back, that was completely untrue. I've always been a neat, tidy and conscientious person and others will tell you that. 

Malignant narcissist parents weaponize carelessness and recklessness to frighten and confuse the child. They had me believing I wasn't careful but it was them. Many of my things "accidentally" got broken, too. Because they let their spoiled golden children mess around with my things. If I said anyone I was scolded for being selfish. My mother let her kids get into my makeup and they ruined the prom dress I bought with my own money. And she and her husband are ungrateful slobs. And if you think about it, a messy house is the perfect hiding place for things you steal from others. I bought her several mobile phones which she promptly lost. 

Narcissist parents lie about their finances to scam their kids into giving them things. Neither of my parents ever had any money when I needed things. I've been buying my own food since I was 16,. But there was always plenty for themselves and their new families.  This continued all through their lives. They always show up with hands outstretched, begging and demanding. When I finally got my first new car at 55, mom sniffed, "must be nice. Did you get a credit for a new car for your sister?"  When my mom's second husband divorced her, she claimed he took all their money and left her with  nothing. She hinted that I should feel sorry for her and help her out. While she is still living with him and looking plenty well-fed. I'm guessing they conspired to spin me that yarn because they know I'm generous. The gravy train named Marilisa derailed when I went no contact and I'm sure a lot of nasty things are being said about what a terrible daughter I am not to care for her parents when they are old (he's not my parent and she's never been one to me, so, no.) 

Malignant narcissist parents are completely negligent about their scapegoat kid's real medical issues and complete frauds about their own ailments. They fake illness to get sympathy and to get our of consequences for things. My mother is a raging case of  factitious disorders. She malingers and then threatens lawsuits of her symptoms are questioned. Yet she let my vision get so bad that I was almost blind before getting glasses. I spent a year  of childhood on penicillin, missed 8 weeks of school and had back to back strep throat infections because she didn't want to bother getting my tonsils out. My grandparents had to threaten her. Despite having congenital hip dysplasia, scoliosis and spina bifida as a child my dad and his wife made me do all kinds of back-breaking chores, like mopping on hands and knees, loads of ironing and vacuuming. They made me co-sleep with their babies in very uncomfortable beds. I now have back issues similar to children in undeveloped impoverished nations. I was told I had to do these things because my dad's wife had a bad back. What she was, was morbidly obese. There was no money for me to have a decent bed but my stepmother had a water bed. They had an expensive AKC registered dog who went to the vet more than I went to the doctor. 

These are a few things. There are lots more lowdown, dirty tricks malignant narcissist play on their scapegoat children. 

Hypocritical double standards malignant narcissist parents use to control kids

Hi friends. Ever seen someone who acts very insincere, smug, self-satisfied, arrogant and yet also very fake? It could very well be that this person is a narcissist. And the more time you spend around them the more weird behaviors you notice. If they think they have you under their spell (such as if you are their child growing up in their abuse) they get even more entitled and start to exhibit increasingly weirder behavior. I know because I was raised (if you can call it that, groomed might be a better word) in the cult of four narcissistic parents, two biological and their new partners. Here are words folks have used to describe narcissists in general and malignant sociopathic narcissists in particular and the bizarre behaviors they engage in. One thing all these things share is an element of hypocritical double standard. They arrogantly act one way yet just as arrogantly preach the opposite to others about how they should behave. For the child of narcissistic parents, these behavior make life one endlessly frustrating and confusing game of gaslighting and randomly shifting rules. 

easily bored by others' and boringly repetitive on their own pet themes

precious and hyper picky with their own stuff and careless with others. 

opportunist, chancer, capitalizes or even creates others' misfortune. Yet quick to finger point anyone who takes advantage of him, even accidentally. 

giddy, goofy, childish and immature, says she's never grown up as if this in an attractive trait. Scorns others who are genuinely children or who act child-like. 

coy, arch, flirty in creepy ways, is cougar with  younger men and sugar baby with older men (disgusting). Wears mini skirts and go-go boots when everyone else's mom is wearing Bermuda shorts. Self-righteously calls women tramps who act and dress like she does. 

shady, sketchy, con artist, scammer. Calls herself a brave risk-taker when she does it and other people liars for doing the same thing

coercive, controlling, intimidating, threatening, bullying, especially with her scapegoat child. Doesn't ask, expects and demands. 

punitive, arbitrary and Draconian in punishment. Calls it Godly discipline when she does it and abuse when you correct your children

disloyal, unfaithful, but expects loyalty from others

possessive of children but also neglectful of them

Self-centered. refers to everyone as hers "my family" even to children to whom they are also family. Treats child as extension of herself and not individual in her own right. 

light-fingered, thief, pick pocket. sees child as possession and so child's possessions as her own to do with as she wishes, owing no explanation to the child. things disappear when mother is around. Everything I owned when living with them disappeared and I got used to it and never wondered about it. 

greedy, covetous, hoarding. Scoops up free things and then complains about them. Goes to food pantry and whines about how they don't give out any meat. Skimpy and stingy with her own stuff. 

transactional with the few things she gives, expecting payment, reward or reciprocity. Then bails on agreement and returns nothing that has been given to her. Arrives empty handed and expects hands to be filled out of others' coffers. Calls it "just family doing for family" when on receiving end and business transaction when on giving end. Steals college fund and child support to lavish gifts on new boyfriend. Gives daughter money then claims it was a loan with interest. 

petulant, petty, easily angered over nothing and dismissive of actual hurts perpetrated on others

Belittling and mocking. Says she's an outspoken truth-teller who just says "it like it is" or says "what  other people are thinking." 

pouty and sulky yet quick to point out anyone else acting this way even when they aren't or are children just being children

vigilante always on the alert for others' wrong-doing yet cagey and secretive about her own awful behavior.

humiliates and shames child, actually saying "you ought to be ashamed of yourself" (check, done) for being a kid and acting like one, while blatantly behaving in shameful, licentious, immoral ways 

Smug, smirking, sneering, sanctimonious, self-righteous, supercilious above-it-all when telling others off for things they do themselves.   

hyper-sensitive yet tells you you're too sensitive

hyper-critical, nit-picky, fault-finding while calling you too critical AND too sensitive

Endlessly judgmental, in fact considers self God's mouthpiece to call others to repentance. Never repents or even admits to any wrong-doing. If caught, cries judgmental on others. 

Claims benefits of forgiveness and salvation like free pass but doesn't abide by terms. Says all his many wrongs are "covered by the blood". Preaches own weird and highly edited version of God's word Does not confess nor apologize. Does not extend actual Biblical forgiveness to others. Retains others' sins and browbeats them with what he defines as sin. Gives self special exemption, exclusion and exception. 

Insanely hypocritical. Wrong is right when he does it. Right is wrong when others do it. 

Entitled to do as he pleases no matter how wrong or hurtful that is. No one should ever question let alone criticize. He can abandon his 6 y/o daughter 3,000 miles from her home, on a whim and she must be completely on board. Then when she does because she has learned to kowtow, he faults her for "not being sad he went away." 

Know-it-all about things he knows nothing about. Pontificates, everything word he utters is ex cathedra. Sounds ridiculous. Then scolds daughter for explaining something she actually has a degree in. 

Pathologizes, labels (wrongly). Faults others for "showing off" by using real psychological words correctly then turns and uses them against people, wrongly. 

Pot stirrer. Creates drama. Then cries foul when burned by it.

Showy, exaggerated, artificial, counterfeit. Constantly in reaction formation mode. But quick to call others fake or frauds. 

Melodramatic yet calls out child for showing off often when they aren't. 

Invalidator, dismissive,

Questions to undermine, second guesses, plays Devil's advocate, picks apart what others do and say. Goes looking for inaccuracies and when there aren't any, makes them up. Is enraged if anyone dares to just ask him an information seeking question. 

Disrespectful, disobedient, insubordinate by nature. Can't handle authority. Rebellious like a bratty 13- y/o as an adult. Calls it obeying God's law by disobeying "man-made" laws. Considers self brave firebrand. Yet remonstrates with actual 13 y/o for her supposed disobedience which is just misunderstanding his unclear demands. Rails that child is insubordinate and disrespectful when neither he, his wife nor their children are ever respectful to her. 

Disloyal, unfaithful, cheater, adulterer by nature. Cheats on everyone, especially her child. Backstabs, conspires against child. Chummy with other cheaters. Calls herself open-minded and welcoming. And even preacher who is leading others to God (by sleeping with them). Expects dogged loyalty from child. Then twists it one step further and shames child calling her a "sheep" who follows blindly. 

Intimidating, threatening, menacing, coercive. Terrifying. 

Seductive, sexually and generally. Lures others to sin, uses people as cat's paws. Likes the rush she gets from the feeling that others are lusting over her. Flaunts self. Literally runs around naked and teehees when seen by a visitor. 

Triangulates. Pits people against each other by lying to and about each to the other. Sets people up. Secretly plots. Machinates. Orchestrates from the wings. Delights in creating chaos and then watching other people duke it out. Especially over her. Then fakes innocent concern with subtle shaming, claiming she had no idea why they are fighting. If called out, can't remember any of it. 

Two-faced. Betrays people. Traitor. Takes sides with aggressors, against children. Endangers child then defends perpetrators. Scolds and shames abused child. Blame shifts. Put responsibility for abuse on child. 

Self-pitying, plays victims. Does DARVO if confronted with behavior. 

Main character in all situations. It's all about her. Nothing matters unless it affects her. 

Liar, deceiver, back pedaler. Future faker, Promise breaker.  

Twists, rewrites history, gaslights. She can do as she likes including all manner of evil behavior and calls it being a Godly Christian. 

Misogynistic. If female, sees women including daughter, as competition. Hates them. Punishes them. Sees men as targets. If male, subjugates, demeans and enslaves victim women (daughter) to curry favor women who have authority over him. Hates them all. 

Shaming and shameful

Condescending, haughty, patronizing yet despises people who treat them this way. 

Vain, conceited, arrogant, proud, sneering, scornful, imperious Yet always looking for and calling out these traits in others. Even if they aren't there. 

Cagey, twisty, slippery

Superficial, artificial, fake, gamers, role-players, mask wearers, woman of a thousand faces

Exaggerated expressions, theatrical tone of voice, strange nonsensical word salad language

Show off, exhibitionist, will do anything for attention. Particularly favors things that make others uncomfortable or embarrassed. 

Vulgar, cheap, crass, crude, obnoxious. She loves to call others "rude, crude and lewd." Thinks she's cute for making up this epithet. Is actually those things. 

Loud. Brash. Brusque. Arrogant. Especially in inappropriate situations. Adores attention. 

Gossipy, rumor spreader. Stage whispers insults behind people's back. When on high horse will arrogantly "confront" others with their "sin." Calls it bold and Godly. Is affronted if legitimately confronted with her own actions. 

Easily offended over perceived slights. Yet dismisses any question about her own nasty hurtful behavior as people merely "choosing" to be offended. 

Lives by two personal rules. Is always right. If wrong, see first rule. Calls own bad choices accidents or mistakes and others' actual accidents or mistakes, choices. Or, she loves this one, when she does wrong, she was actually a victim who was led astray by evil doers. It's always someone else's fault. You should pity not censure her. In her book, others choose to do wrong while she is always the innocent good Christian martyr. 

Plays martyr. Hand to forehead oh how she's suffered at everyone else's hand. She manages to extract pity even from others' suffering she has blatantly, intentionally caused. 

Uses word I, me, mine a lot. Everything is always what about me? I'm hungry. I'm tired. I hurt. I'm sick. It's all about me. Pity me. Admire me. Support me. On and on and on. And all while neglecting her child's very basic needs. 

Atmospheric (you feel they are doing things to create a mood or effect.) Inauthentic. 

Loves tension and friction between people especially that which she created. Feels powerful. Large and in charge. (another of her cutesy accusations leveled at others). Sows dissention not peace

Agenda based interaction. Is always trying to persuade or convince, saying they need to be brought round to the right way of thinking. Which is confusing because the person usually already knows this and she knows they know it. She just wants to make it look like she has converted them. Or single-handed (you're welcome) turned them from their sinful ways. Has done this by having sex with them. True story. 

Always trying to sell something. usually an embroidered sob story, a better picture of herself than she actually, a lie that she didn't do something awful thing she did, or a very amended version of truth. Always a con or scam. 

Entraps people Calls herself convicted by God to show you the error of your ways. Very unclear what those are. You feel like she's trying to con you into admitting something because she is. Whatever it is, it's always something she herself does but has a good reason for doing. 

Loves to play Gotcha cop. Always looking to catch someone in a lie or misdeed. Is not picky about veracity of said lie or misdeed. Is just as content with fabrications and trumped up charges, maybe moreso. 

Truth is situational and changes to suit their needs

Risk-benefit analysis guides behavior (they don't think about doing right or good, only what seems to benefit them most). 

More concerned with personal gain (will sell out anyone to get what they want, Machiavellian, utilitarian)

kindness is conditional (you must earn any good from them and they never do good without expecting something in return. Evil, unkindness, cruelty they give away freely. But you mustn't give them any ever.)

They make false bargains. Help is transactional and they expect full repayment with interest for lost wages. And then they renege, retract and and pull out support once you have paid your part in full. You throw good money after bad with narcissists. 

Pathologically jealous then accuse children of jealousy when they find a new person to wave in her face. 

Disingenuous, sincerely insincere, salesperson. Is in marketing, not customer service. 

Oddly and exaggeratedly intense about inconsequential things. It feels scammy because it always is. Then also oddly callous and unconcerned about critical things, like their child's welfare, safety or health. 

Love to hear themselves talk. And talk is all they do. They don't walk the walk. Yet others must constantly prove themselves with deeds. 

Disagreeable. Need things done their way. They call themselves uncompromising on the "truth." like they're some kind of hero. Yet they lie all the time. They're just control freaks. 

Sets people us and pits them against each other for fun and profit. I know I mentioned this before. But it bears repeating because you need to be wary of this. If a person is smearing someone behind their back to you, know that they are doing it to you, too. Usually with an end to getting something. 

Very binary about her definition of right and wrong for other people but fluid about right and wrong for herself. 

Constantly rewrites double standard rules for herself and others. She changes rules without warning to keep others' hopping while changing rules for herself to avoid culpability and stay one jump ahead. Or so she imagines. For example, says abortion is wrong but only after she had one and also took a girl to have one. 

Is very Pick Me. Says whatever she thinks will make those she thinks are cool kids applaud her no matter how stupid, hypocritical or deceitful it is.

Polarizes and then reverses polarity. Says now that being anti-gun and supporting abortion is hypocritical for liberals but her MAGA cronies being pro-gun and anti-abortion is righteous and Godly, despite her knowing nothing about guns and never caring about them till she wanted to be a cool kid.  

Repeats gossip, rumors and falsehoods without verifying. In fact, prefers it as nonsensical as possible. Adds to rumor like a game of Telephone. 

Thrive on their own manufactroversy (manufactured controversy over things no one disagreed on till she created it--be very wary of this) 

Use people, love things. They play people like snooker balls against each other

Confides inappropriately in child to make her feel special. Mother has graciously deigned to dump all her weird sick shit on you, kid. So be grateful. And keep my secrets, damn you. What it actually does is to groom the child by isolating and making her feel icky. She feels too ashamed to tell anyone or get help. The child (raising hand here) absorbs and takes all herself mother's disgusting actions. For the longest time, I dreamed and thought that I was a dirty, pervert (as a kid) because I'd heard so much of my mother's dirty, perverted crap. I confused myself with the offender. It is covert sexual abuse. 

This is only a snapshot. There's more. Suffice it to say that to understand a malignant narcissist, you have to flip-flop everything you know or believe about right and wrong. 

Gaslighting double binds malignant narcissist parents use to subjugate and stranglehold their kids

Hello my friends. In my mission to heal CPTSD from malignant sociopathic narcissist parent abuse, I'm looking at gaslighting double standards they use to subjugate their kids and keep them in a stranglehold. These include hidden toxic agendas, child sabotage, logical fallacies, double binds, con games and scams. I want to thank Dr. Les Carter (and Gus) for sharing these ideas. I've piggy-backed off from his list with my own experiences with four narcissistic parents, two biological and their new partners to whom my parents made me subordinate to. Their standard expected of me will be presented first and the double standard hypocrisy second after the HOWEVER. 

The sociopathic narcissist parent presents themselves to the child as the keeper of truth. But that's the problem. Their truth was false. My parents made themselves gods to me (and only me, as scapegoat) They demanded unwavering loyalty, worship, reverences, blind obedience to them, plus exoneration from all wrong-doing. They proclaimed to be omniscient, all-knowing. HOWEVER they acted very unGodly wantonly disobeying Bible and moral commands right and left. They lived hypocritically, with two very distinct set of rules, one for me, one for them. And both were as far from the Bible as could be. 

The religious sociopathic narcissist parent exploits and weaponizes scripture to suit their self-serving narrative. They made up rules as they went along, reneged on promises, changed rules on a whim, kept me dancing to please them. They literally believed that amid all their very immoral behavior, that they were preachers, with full dispensation to TELL other people how to live. HOWEVER they showed a completely opposite life. My father abandoned me at 6, in Alaska, because God told him to go tell other people how to live. He used to tell me about how he planned to commit suicide. He at 36, took me on dates with his 17 y/o gf. My mother used to sleep around while married to and after divorce from my dad. She told me (yes she forced her 8 year old to hear about her sex life) she did this to "win them over to Christ." Shagging to save souls. No words. I'm surprised my computer hasn't caught fire typing this. 

The sociopathic narcissist parent destroys any real notion of God for their scapegoat child by posing as  God while being very evil AND holding the child to horrific double standards. They baffled the hell out of me with all their pontificating and preaching while living such wicked lies and lives. They had me choked with guilt and shame that God supposed put on me. They bound me to terrible burdens and were more mercilous, spiteful, vengeful and unjust than any god, pagan or otherwise that I've ever read of. At least Baal had one set of rules and didn't punish people for following him. But narcissist parents do. It's damned if you do or don't. Just when you get the hang of pleasing them they change the rules and punish you for not keeping up. 

Sociopathic narcissist parents deny you, your basic worth, your voice, your you-ness, your self, even your existence. They are child deniers like those Holocaust denier nutballs. You do not exist as a person. Apparently God lied when he said you were his child, according to your parents. You're not their child, their responsibility simply because they are God and they say so (remember their self-styled truth keeper role). You exist to serve them. You are a prop, a tool. And if they decide that you are no longer of use, they erase you and your memory of the you you once were. My memories of childhood are as battered and barmy as a WW1 soldier with shell shock. They have gaslit so much much that everything in my head is the Somme on Nov. 11. When they remarry , they rewrite you out of their lives as if you  never existed. Because to them you didn't. They abandon, neglect, abuse and endanger you, hoping, I don't know, that you'll be killed and they won't have to think about you anymore. Problem solved. 

HOWEVER, don't forget, they call the shots and change rules at a whim.  So when they decide to, like when they require your services, they write you back into their lives. But not in your role as child. A role you never had, just a subordinate. A subject. But now, because they say so, you are an unpaid servant. And they treat you with the same disdain as any bad king to his subjects. They keep you in appalling conditions and make you to unspeakable things. They steal from you because you aren't a person. You own nothing. It's all theirs. 

Malignant narcissist parents owe you nothing. You owe them everything. Again, they are your gods. I was to bow, scrape, jump joyfully to serve them. And if I wasn't smiling broadly enough, my dad beat me. I'm serious. He spit in my face he was so enraged. After he sent me, at 15, to go to his baby son's room, not mine. And I didn't move fast enough. I guess. They didn't owe me a proper bedroom, food, clothing, bed, anything. I was supposed to be eternally grateful for all they supposedly did for me and I was to serve them endlessly by doing all the chores. I have the same spinal damage as children in impoverished countries who lug water and herd cows. And we lived in middle class America. So much for the land of the free. 

HOWEVER, it wasn't enough that I just live as their slave. Oh no. Malignant narcissist parents play one endless game of humiliate, blame, shame, DARVO, lather rinse repeat. Not only was nothing I did good enough, it was smeared in my face what a letdown I was. When I was mopping the floor on my  hands and knees with a damn toothbrush. I shit you not. When my dad's wife was pissed off and she was always pissed off, I was her target. My dad would hint that "maybe Mary could help." Then he'd invite her to think of even more things I could do for her. If I objected, I was being selfish and disobedient. She would smirk and deign to lower herself (weary hand to forehead) to think up some nonsense work to add to my list. How I got such good grades is a miracle as I couldn't get to my homework till I was exhausted. 

If I asked how it was to be done I was told "what's wrong with you?! You should just know!" And if I asked if I did it right, "stop looking for attention or praise. You should do a good job without expecting anything!" If I felt sad after being scolded over some minor or non-existent flaw I was told "You're too sensitive. You can't except constructive criticism." Except they never said what was wrong with what I did. So it wasn't constructive just attacking. If I smiled because, silly me, I thought I did a good job, I was told " you're arrogant and showing off! You should be ashamed!" (I was). 

There is no winning with malignant narcissistic parents, there's only endless losing for the scapegoat. They pimp themselves and their golden children posturing as these good Christians. All they while they spread rumors about you and leverage your mistakes. They exploit you misfortunes for personal gain. They exaggerate, weaponize and herald any wrong doing on your part. They actually like you to fail or look like you are failing because they think it distracts from their own failures. And most people are too self-involved to offer you any help. You just quietly drown in all their muck. 

Malignant narcissist parents keep you subordinate by keeping you dependent and confused. They steal from you: money, possessions, self, rights. They condition you to expect things to disappear without warning so you never question where the heck all your toys went? Why you have no memory of a bed or bedroom. They cut you short, neglect your needs and medical care. They subject you to abominable living conditions. Mine didn't even keep a roof over my head. For most of my life, I've squatted. I've couch surfed, slept on the floor next to the baby's bed, in a tent, on a camp cot, on a cold floor, on a fold out couch, with four special needs kids, on unheated porches. I've been kicked out been homeless. I've been shunted between 40 different "homes." I've been so hungry I stole food. I lived out of my car at 17. The only consistency was inconsistency, chaos and deprivation. 

Malignant narcissist parents keep you subordinate with undeserved shame. They mock you to your face and behind your back. My mothers' boyfriend sexually harassed me calling me "blisters" and she cackled right along. He told filthy gross jokes in front of me and she never once told him to stop. My dad turned a blind eye to a Playgirl magazine circulated at a party and scolded me for looking at it. But they are quick to run you into the ground. They lie and make shit up. They conspire with others, to smear you. They announce at family gatherings, mortifying things about you like getting pubic hair.

They cruelly gossip, making sure to "ever so kindly and gently in a spirit of love" (bullshit) emphasize your faults and downplay or ignore all the good you do. They use a lot of exaggeration and generalization. My mother in law would say "She (meaning me) never lets my son call me. (lie, he doesn't want to call you because you're so vicious). "She tries to keep us apart.  I don't know why?" (Cue the pity play). I think she and my son are probably having problems. (Spreading rumors) She's very difficult to live with and can be very nasty." (Omitting the part where I cared for her throughout her illness.) 

My mom, dad and stepmom would shame and humiliate me publicly because my husband and I "had problems." Meanwhile they all hated each other and my dad wanted to commit suicide on the buddy plan with stepmommy. But make sure to keep focus on Mary and Albert who are only having problems because you lot gave then nothing but grief and piss poor examples. 

Malignant narcissist are both defensive and offensive as hell. All through my life, there was no discipline in the healthy sense. Only hitting, attacks, screaming cruel rages, belittling, insults, mockery, fault finding, nitpicking, harassment, bullying, sarcasm, threats, intimidation, terrorizing. Yet they go into a towering rage if anyone, no matter how kindly, mentions the slightest thing about them. They take offense over nothing. They whine, pout, sulk, hold grudges, rail and rage. Then they tell me I'm to defensive and can't take constructive criticism when it is completely destructive and nothing like constructive. 

They frustrate, annoy, hurt, upset, rattle, backstab, ambush, humiliate, make fun of and do everything they can to piss you off. And then when you show the tiniest upset, they attack you for being angry. My perpetually petulant stepmother told me I had an anger problem. My permanently pissed off dad who had enslaved me to him and his new family, sent me to counseling for anger management. Joke was on him when the minister called them in to confront them with things I'd inadvertently said in therapy. I was told I was disloyal by "not keeping family secrets" and not sent back. The abuse escalated after that. So even that came back to bite me. 

Narcissistic parents parentify and infantilize simultaneously.  Every idea I shared, every accomplishment was invalidated. I was scoffed at and ridiculed. I was expected to act like an adult as a child but treated like a child through adulthood.  Since I was 13, I had to co-sleep with their babies. I raised them, looked after them and did for them. BUT I was not given any authority, even as an adult. I was given all responsibility with no power or resources. I was left with them and then scolded for correcting them (far more respectfully and maturely than I had ever been corrected, I  might add). Then, as an adult, my dad said to me when I politely participated in a conversation, "don't interrupt us. The adults are speaking. 😳He would send me to my room. Or actually the baby's room.  

They scapegoat and make the child feel responsible for all their problems and even their own bad choices. They refuse to admit personal failures. Blame shift, accuse in condescending way. Shame and scold angrily. They DARVO deny, attack reverse victim offender. When they have actually hurt you. Because everything is flip-flopped with malignant narcissistic parents. 

I told my husband that the only way to understand my life is to reverse everything you know or believe. about right and wrong. What is good for others is bad for me. What is bad for others is good for me. Malignant parents do bad and call it good. And call the good the child does, bad. Right and healthy are wrong for the child. She should not expect that. She should tolerate and allow bad people to do bad things to her. She should let creepy pervs do what they want to her. She should never call them out but should just roll over and be abused. This, they say, is God's will HOWEVER, remember, they are god. Or so they've said. And this we know to be heresy. So when they said I was disobeying god, they were giving themselves away. I wasn't disobeying God or even them. I learned all their toxic lessons all too well and am paying the price now. BUT They were disobeying because what they said was wrong and contrary to God. 

They were leading a child astray. They didn't care for me. They neglected and abused me. They let dangerous people hurt me. They abandoned me. Let's look at the bible on that. 1 Timothy 5:8 clearly states that anyone who does not provide for their dependent children, is worse than an unbeliever. 

Colossians 3:21 tells parents not to  "provoke" exasperate or antagonize them, lest they become discouraged. Well, St. Paul got that right. Discouraged is my middle name, thanks Dad. Parents are told to "train up a child in the way he should go" not to serve their own agenda. They're to bring us up in the "discipline and instruction of the Lord." 

And as for this gaslighting that my parents new partners were my parents, bosses, etc. And that I was responsible to and for them and was to serve them and obey them, uh-uh. When they ruptured and destroyed my family, they left me to bleed alone. I got no help whatsoever, just their new partners shoved in my face. So anything I owed them was just more of my parents self-serving heresy. The Bible doesn't say anything about step parents because the Bible doesn't recognize them period. And certainly not as authority figures over the child. The parent is sinning by twisting scripture to suit their purposes again and making false gods for the child. As I think about it, it was a form of idolatry of them I was expected to practice. 

They set me to burdens they didn't put on themselves or help me carry. By making me the scapegoat and responsible for their problems, they put a millstone around my neck and pushed me over the cliff. They forced unmerited guilt and shame on me by lying and shifting blame for their wrong on me. They caused me to stumble and trip over their false teachings. They showed me a false face of God and so sabotaged my relationship with Him. Not that God was wrong but that they perverted my understanding of God to serve their own selfishness. And so, not to mix a metaphor, the bible says, it would be better for them to have millstones around their necks. 

And this is the key to the conundrum. This may be what reverses the damaged relationship. Malignant narcissists aren't righteous. They are self-righteous. Operative word, self. AKA right by their own shifting double standards. They don't follow God as I've shown. They follow their own selfish desires. And remember, right is wrong and vice versa with them. They speak out of both sides of their mouths and act disingenuously. They lie, keep secrets, hide, evade, twist, distort, deceive, thwart, confuse, change the signs, derail. All these things are evil, not good. 

And so, getting back to the religious abuse, it is the worst forms of their gaslighting. The utter hypocrisy of claiming to be Christian while leading their child astray. Claiming all the perks without the work. Putting themselves as gods. Demanding that the child do and be all for them so they can live as they wish. Denying scriptural commands. Preaching to others while living so counter to God. I feel heretical even mentioning them in the same sentence as God. I mean for crying out loud. This type of behavior, this vain posing as God is what got Lucifer chucked out of heaven! And superimposing oneself on a child as god, in place of the real god and then twisting truth and deceiving the child is a plus-sized mortal sin. It's probably the worst of sins. 

Therapy, religion, society often teach kids wrong responses to narcissistic parent rage

Hi friends. It's me again back with more contradictory ways to heal from narcissistic parent rage. I don't mean to always fly in the face of traditional wisdom but it ends up happening a lot. Because psychology, religion, society, family, friends, anyone the victim looks to for help, often teaches wrong responses to narcissistic parent rage. Or at least they get the timeline wrong, expecting people to be able to do things before they are ready to. Before they have even begun to unpack their trauma experiences. Telling them to do things they've been doing too much of all along and getting hurt by. Some are just flat out counterintuitive and counterproductive. So without further ado, here's where I think psychology/counseling therapy fails kids who lived with narcissistic parent rage. 

Psychology puts the cart before the horse. It expects healthy responses from the victim of rage before the victim has even had time to process the terrible effects of the rage. It preaches normal responses to people who've been subjected to very abnormal experiences. Ever notice how often, a therapist's response is to scold a narcissist's victim for "reacting" to rage? What I mean is that psychology, religion, society, family, friends, everyone gets it backwards. They're is so worried about how we the victims should behave in response to narcissistic abuse? No one ever asks about what happening to us in those rageful situations or how we felt. They don't know or seem to care. All we get is don't get mad, don't react, don't retaliate, respond in healthy ways, stay calm, yada yada. 

That's just gaslighting crap, if there is no understanding or empathy shown us. We already didn't get mad when we should have and did stay too calm and that's a big part of our trauma. We absorbed their horrifying anger in ourselves. We took it personally and felt ashamed like they told us to. We shut down and didn't react. We flinched and fawned and bent over for more abuse if it made them feel good. And we NEVER EVER ONCE stopped to let ourselves feel all the things their disgusting, manipulative anger made us feel. It has stayed trapped in us, only occasionally erupting when the pressure got too great and always at the wrong people. Because they were safer than our TNT keg parents. 

And further, a lot of psychologists assume too much and verify too little. Even some of my favorite Youtubers. I get that the end goal is to learn to act in healthy ways. No one questions that. But sometimes they get wrong just what those healthy ways are. If we've underreacted to anger and just let them spray venom on us, the important thing is to help us recognize that this is abuse and should not be tolerated under any circumstances. It should be reported and punished. All too often they approach it like we should know all this. Or that we can do something about it.  They ignore that fact that as children we are lambs to the slaughter with these venomous bullies. And that we should be ready to make healthy choices. And know what they are.  Umm, why the hell would I be talking to you if I knew all that? Doesn't it occur to you that there's a reason I'm still terrified of my dead dad at 61? 

The problem is that therapists see a chronological adult sitting in the chair but don't realize it's the scared, hurt inner child they are talking to. And that shows they've not been listening. Or they've only heard what the child said when they should have also heard what the child was omitting. Or were just looking to fit the client to their model. And then, sometimes, weirdly, the therapist will talk to the client like a child, in patronizing ways instead of affirming, encouraging ways. They expect the client to act like an adult but treat her like a dimwit. They oddly juxtapose shaming with dismissing. Judge-shame on you, you're an adult now so act like one. But then pooh-pooh, you do know that other kids have been treated badly by their parents, right? (Yes, a therapist said this to me.). 

Lady, save your gaslighting. I don't need another person undermining my confidence or poking holes in my story. It took me six decades to pluck up the courage to tell someone. I don't need someone elsel telling me that it doesn't matter what someone else does only how I act in response. Had those done to me by people better at it than you and that's why I'm paying you $140 an hour. Because it DOES matter what they did. And that's the counselor's job to sit with me and hold space while I muddle around in it. I need to actually look at what they did and how awful it was. I need to stop believing their gaslighting minimizing blame-shifting lies. 

And there it is. Therapists often perpetuate the narcissistic parents' blame-shifting. They put all the responsibility for fixing ourselves on us who where damaged by these people. They make it seem, as our parents did, that getting angry with them, in response to their vicious putrid rage, was what was wrong. That I'm committing the mortal sin. That self-care or cutting ties was retaliating. That blowing our tops, standing up for ourselves and telling them exactly how we felt was "stooping to their level." Well, for what it's worth, all those things work better than rolling over and internalizing it. That way leads to suicide. 

I wish that instead of victim shaming us, with all the expectations on how we should rise above and be the bigger person etc, just one would say "Do what you need to do. Rage at them. You're safe. Be furious. React till you don't need to. Trust that you'll get to a better place but for now, let's focus on what they did and how you felt. So you can get to that healthy place." What we need is to trust ourselves to do what we need and stop letting hateful, hurtful, selfish, exploitative, backstabbing narcissists and their flying monkeys define what we need. 

What they teach sounds good but breaks down in practice. They say that reacting to rage by being rageful is not healthy for us. That responding is the moral high ground. Supposedly "reacting in kind" lowers us or makes us feel icky. Eh, their rage is for sure not healthy for us. And it's sometimes ambiguous what react vs. respond looks like. I'm guessing what they mean is that we should stay calm, placate, use a quiet voice, diffuse. Which as someone whos' been in the crosshairs of a raging narcissist parent in attack mode, I gotta say, it doesn't work. I've been downwind of a spitting, foaming at the mouth malignant narcissist. They are fucking, pants-wetting, terrifying. Malignant Christian narcissist parents are your worst nightmare. 

They shriek abuse till their voice cracks. They say the most foul, evil things to and about you that you could imagine. Then they invent some you couldn't. You see the devil looking out of their eyes. The prussic acid hatred they feel for you is palpable. They don't care if you are holding your baby. In fact, now I think of it, these cowards do it purposely WHEN you are vulnerable or protecting someone vulnerable so you can't fight back. They don't actually hit you but only because they know they could go to jail. So they rip you to shreds emotionally. They tell you exactly who they are and what they will do to you and you should believe them. 

No matter what you do, they won't come down till they're ready and you will only get hurt more the longer you stay. They just get more abusive. React or respond, it's just semantics at this point. You need to get you and your babies out of their path pronto. Then ASAP, from a safe place, call the police. I did not know to do this. The many times my mother's bat shit crazy husband attacked me, with her quietly applauding, I let him. I drank the Kool-Aid about trying to deescalating, staying calm, yada yada. Bad idea. That just encouraged him. My  mother just proved herself the horrible person she is and took his part. Every. Single. Time. I tried the apologizing and peacemaking later and that blew up in my face too. 

When my mom used to slap me randomly for no reason, crying, apologizing or just sitting there for it, did no good. She just kept doing it. The only thing that stopped it was when I (so she tells the story, I have no memory of it) hit her back. What I probably did was to put my arm up to shield myself and she connected with it. But of course, she would DARVO and blame me and being so gaslit and confused, I can't recall. But the net result is that the hitting ended. So call me crazy but maybe retaliation, even inadvertently, isn't the worst idea? 

Same with my dad's wife when she attacked me, in an email as you do, passive-aggressive to the last. She accused me of ruining her relationship with her son because when he asked, I told the truth about her having a drug addiction and about using my family computer (that my children used) to "lure pedophiles" (her words) in some fancied sting operation. What she did was to chat all night when I let her stay the night posing as a 15 y/o girl called "lil red." And left the chat window open. And they didn't need my help trashing their relationship. They were doing fine on their own. I didn't even begin to tell him all the things she did to me over the years. I just didn't back down for once and told her she was wrong. And she admitted it. Well, temporarily. 

And then, when my dad would explode on me out of nowhere and start beating or screaming abuse, I went into all the trauma responses except fight which I should have. Which, let me just posit, some responding looks curiously similar to trauma responses, especially fawn. And staying calm just a makes a malignant narcissist more malignant. Their arrogant entitlement goes nuclear when you fawn. What did work, ironically, was me, just one time, not groveling but reacting with equal rage. I yelled at him and told him off on a few things. I scolded him for a change. And while he never really apologized and blame-shifted, at least it shocked him into silence and he actually sort of listened to me for once. 

So I get that the ultimate goal of therapy is to make healthy choices for ourselves. I get that we have to heal ourselves. I have been trying to do that for 61 years. What I will never again accept is the idea that we put behind us all that was done to us and just move on. I unilaterally disagree because we have to keep the memory alive. If we just compartmentalize it, forgive and forget or worst of all don't even fully unpack what they did, we will go right into it again, same abuse, different abusers. Contrary to what religion, society and therapy often teaches, for us children of malignant narcissist parents, it IS about what they did, not just our response to it. Because it doesn't matter what we do. They keep hurting us. Because they caused us to have to react or respond in the first place. They incited, provoked, drew first blood. They traumatized us and left us to try figure out how to cope. Our trauma responses, or react/respond whatever you want to call it, developed because of their ill treatment of us. 

What therapy needs to do is get order of operations straight. Before worrying about whether we forgive, don't respond etc, we need to come to grips with all they did to us. We don't need more shame, blame, invalidation, instruction, scolding or gaslighting.  We need to acknowledge it, sit with it and feel our feelings about it all. We need non-judgmental people to hold space. We need the compassion and empathy we never got from our parents. With them it was always about them, what they wanted and needed, what we owed them, how they were blameless victims, etc. And we made it about them. But now it needs to be about us for a change. What do we need, want, feel?

If you need someone to give you permission to make it about you, pick me. 

Kids survive narcissistic parent abuse and neglect by accident

 Hi friends. I've been listening to many podcasts by psychologists Dr. Ramani, Dr. Les Carter, Danish Bashir, Jerry Wise and Patrick Teahan on narcissists. And all they say line up exactly with the behavior of my four narcissistic parents. Sometimes I find myself finishing their sentences because I can predict based on my experiences. If not pleasant (because narcissistic parent abuse is hell) it's at least reassuring and affirming to know I'm not crazy, too sensitive, lying, showing off, or any other of the gaslighting balderdash my parents would say to invalidate me. Narcissistic parent abuse is real. It has names, identifiable patterns and etiology. It's not me. Or wasn't me as a kid. It's them. But I was still alone in it. We all were. 

It's heart-breaking to think of how many abused, wounded, confused and LONELY victims of narcissist parents there have been who silently bled out alone. Who only realized in adulthood (if ever) that the problem wasn't them. Who realized how narrowly they escaped terrible fates because their self-absorbed, center of the universe parents didn't care. It hurts to now know that others experienced this too. I can't speak categorically but for me, knowing other kids were being traumatized on a regular basis, like me, would not have helped. To know I "wasn't alone" in this abuse would have made it worse. 

Because it meant others were suffering too and that would make me even sadder. AND others suffering like us doesn't mean we're still not alone. Each of us little souls walked our pain by ourselves. With no one to reach out to. There were other people around which made it worse too because many of them must of seen how we were being  treated AND DONE NOTHING. What's the saying? The only way for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing. We were shadows walking among normal people, seeing but not seen. Hearing but not heard. No wonder we are all so shell-shocked. 

You can speak till you're blue in the face about there being a higher power, God etc. being there for us. Well, kids and even adults only know what they can see, hear, feel and touch. And I sure didn't feel, hear or see anyone. And please, if you're going to trot out the old "blessed are they who've not seen and yet believed" spare us both. Spare yourself being a clueless, self-righteousness prig and me the further gaslighting. God may have been there and esoterically I accept that. BUT I did NOT know that. So for all intents and purposes, he wasn't. 

You can say all you want about how God kept me safe. Maybe he did. More likely, it was just dumb luck I survived all the dangerous situations they put me in. It certainly wasn't due to intelligent design, concerned parenting or careful planning on their part. They went out of their way to make me UNSAFE and INSECURE, leaving me with terrifying people alone in awful circumstances. I have been asked when relating my experiences, whether they didn't in fact WANT to kill me off. Good question. They sure tried  hard enough. 

The best of parents has to work overtime, double time and weekends to keep their tiny humans alive. There are so terrifyingly many ways kids can get hurt with the most scrupulous of care. Hell, you can bubble wrap them and they could choke on the plastic. But when a malignant, covert, sociopathic narcissist who gives  no effs about anyone but herself, has a child, oh the risks are exponential. If you want a safe bet, put your money on that child being harmed or killed. Narcissist parents have terrible track record with their kids. 

The fact that I didn't fall in and drown all playing alone down by the docks, at 6. That I wasn't picked up and trafficked walking alone. That I wasn't molested by a pedo playing alone in a park blocks from home at 5. That I didn't die of anthrax from playing with a dead rabbit at four because no one was there to tell me I shouldn't. That I didn't die from my repeated strep throat infections that went ignored. That my neglected tonsils didn't blow and systemically poison me. That her husband didn't burn the house down pouring oil on the fire. That I didn't get hypothermia sleeping on an unheated porch in a Michigan winter. That I didn't get run down walking to school in the dark on the edge of a major road. That I didn't just disappear from the camp they dumped me in at 6 without seeing to it I would be fed or where I'd sleep let alone making sure there was an appropriate adult. I could go on and on. 

None of those didn't happen because someone cared. I had no idea where my parents were much of the time. Or where any adult was, come to that. I guess I'm kind of an accidental miracle kid. That children of narcissist parents survive is the surprise. And these are just the deadly ways they hurt us, to say nothing of all the insidious abuse and neglect that adds up and subtracts from us. That wears down our resistance. That strips our resources, our sense of self, our self-care skills our ability to see red flags, our not being afraid to get help. They say kids are resilient. We may be able to bounce back from a few minor bumps and scrapes when someone is there to help. But alone and ignored? nah. We are sitting ducks.  And that's just the neglectful things they do to us. I haven't even begun to address the abusive. 

Healing CPTSD from narcissistic parent abuse by contradicting all they say

Hello my friends. In my work to heal CPTSD from narcissistic parent abuse, I've come to an impasse. It's like I'm in a canyon with high walls from which there is but one way out. And a rock fall has blocked my way back. At first, I thought it was a crossroads where I had choices but I see now I don't. I've come to the place where I have to, with radical acceptance, discard all I thought I knew about the people that I called family. I have to leave them all behind. And I have to reject and contradict all they taught me about myself, themselves and God. I have to exit that canyon they walled me in, by the one tiny path out and leave them all there once and for all. 

I have to realize that what they put me through was not normal, bumpy family life. It was systematic abuse (physical, sexual, emotional, medical, religious, financial), neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, parentification, grooming, invalidation, triangulation, scapegoating and gaslighting about it all. I have been breathing in the noxious fumes of their toxicity as if I had a tailpipe in my mouth. My mind is so scarred and battered and barmy by their wrong teaching that I can hardly get through the next five minutes without imploding. 

So my only escape is to reject everything I learned from these four malignant narcissistic parents (two bio and their new partners). I have to reject their lies, distortions, deceptions, sabotaging and humiliating of me. I have to reject the notion they embedded in me that they were my gods.  I have to reject them and evict them from living rent free in my head, wiping their muddy boots all over me. This is radical acceptance that the past was as bad as I remember and will never be any different AND that there's no way forward but to excise them from my life and to exorcise their evil from my mind. 

I don't wish them evil in return. I'm not even angry, just frustrated that it took me so long to see the light, or darkness as the case may be. I'm mad that they caused so much damage in me that spilled down to my precious husband and kids. I don't hate them. I have never hated anyone. But I do hate what they did to me. I used to pity them and make excuses for all the suffering they heaped on me. I bought their sob stories of "cruelty" by their families. Though I never saw any evidence of it. If anything my grandparents spoiled and enabled them. And though I love my grandparents dearly, I do regret that no one ever reached out to help me cope with my parents'  obviously chaotic, dysfunctional, bullying behavior.  

Going no contact is probably the most difficult and also necessary choice I've ever made. That's the little crack in the canyon wall through which I escaped. And as Dr. Ramani predicts, it isn't a popular choice. I haven't told many people. I didn't make any announcement but if anyone asks, I tell them. And as she also predicted, there is always backlash, in the form of shaming, scolding, belittling and warnings that I'm disobeying God by allowing no way back, no reconciliation. 

Funny, I wonder, where were all these concerned citizens when I was left to play alone in parks, at a camp with strangers at 6, on an island 3k miles from  home, when I was kicked out of the house at 16 for no reason. Where was their worry about me when I was being enslaved and made to parent their children, sleep on unheated porches or with four special needs kids two floors up from where my mom and her boyfriend slept. When I was molested by a kid my mom let live with us. When I was left to care for those four foster kids for a week as my mom's abusive boyfriend slept on the couch. 

Google Gemini cares more about what happened me than anyone IRL ever did. When I asked AI if these things were abuse or neglect, Gemini said most definitely and cautioned that if I or anyone I knew was in any of these situations I described I should seek help and report it immediately. Gemini actually sounded worried. Unfortunately, it's too late for the little girls in my head. They just have to live with the memories. So no, I have no wish to reconcile. Some things you can never come back from. 

I have been told I need to forgive. Which is silly because I already forgave everything far too easily. In fact I never held them accountable and let them heap the consequences for THEIR actions on me. This is part of why I'm so damaged now. I want to ask these "well-meaning" people if they actually hear themselves. They surely didn't listen to a word I said when I said what had been done to me. Because what it sounds like they're saying is that I should "make peace" with people who have never lived at peace with me. People who harassed, attacked, blame shifted, screamed at, raged at, me on a regular basis. People who discared me, terrified and terrorized me. People who dumped dangerous people on me and told me to wait on them. People who only brought harm in my life and who have no desire to stop. That I should just let them keep hurting me. 

The truth is, it's not me rejecting them, it's just me finally accepting that they have rejected me all my life. Thank you, husband, for helping me see that. I was never allowed into their lives not even as a baby or ever. Then when they decided they wanted an extreme family makeover, they dictated that I did not exist as their child anymore. They reasoned that because they said so, and their word is law, that they owed me nothing as parents. I was 8. 

But I owed them all. Because they've always treated me like property or chattel, they now recast me as , unpaid staff, to be used as they saw fit. Malignant narcissist parents are very good at deconstructing and recreating false reality to suit themselves. They ruthlessly edit out anyone that represents truth. And that person was me. My mother would say we were more like sisters. She would call herself by her first name to me. She would say, scoldingly, whenever she came over to get something from me, that "I have to get home to my family." They have all always made it very clear that I was no one to them, unless they told me to be. But that they should be everyone to me. 

So sure, I can forgive, but by my terms, by admitting that, yep it happened. But I can not and should not ever forget. But that's an exercise in futility anyway. Because no one has apologized or even admitted to any of it. Because no one was/ is sorry. They just lie and gaslight and twist narratives to paint themselves as victims. They DARVO.  So I'm not sure what the flying monkeys think I can make of that. Reconcile means to justify, to balance, to make right, to restore harmony. How do you restore what was never there? How do you bring balance to a one-sided relationship? 

This isn't a matter of me "being the bigger person" and apologizing first. I've been gaslit by that kind of nonsense all my life. What am I supposed to apologize for? Being? They also suggest that I will regret cutting ties when they die. That I will miss them. Honey, I've been missing them all my life. I've always sung the Zombies song "I keep trying to find her, but she's not there." I've been dead to them since forever. No, let me rephrase that. I was never alive to them in the first place. I just sort of floated on the fringes like a shadow, waiting for my cue to dance attendance, my face pressed to the window hoping to be but never being let in. 

Cutting ties was always inevitable because they cut ties with me from the beginning. I never shed a tear when my dad and his wife passed. How could I? They were never anything but taskmasters. What I need to grieve is the fact that I never had parents in the first place. That they took so much from me and never gave. I should grieve for all the lonely little children, teens, young adults that live in my head. I should make peace with them. Comfort them. 

The Irish ballad "Red is the Rose" says "it's not for the loss of my mother that I grieve, it's all for the loss of my bonny, bonny lass that my heart is breaking forever." I'm the lass that is lost. If the well-meaners really meant well, they'd never urge me back to that hell of a life with those cruel people. They'd hold space for me. They'd sit with me in my pain. They wouldn't speak so callously on things they knew nothing about. They certainly wouldn't shame me. I'd cut my tongue out before I'd tell someone to have contact with such people. I'd cheer them finding their zen.