Hi friends, in today's post on my experiences with narcissistic parental abuse, I'm exposing 5 ways invalidators sabotage your healing. You're going to be nodding vigorously at these if you're dealing with CPTSD from narcissistic abuse. And if you want to help someone deal, don't do these things.
Originally, I was going to say that we've all probably accidentally done or said some of these things. Now I'm not so sure. Because when I think of doing them, my toes curl with shame. So I think that these are tools used specifically by narcissistic or chronically invalidating people, who I call invalidators. Invalidators will lie and say they're trying to help. They're not. They're purposely tearing you down, undermining your mental health and sabotaging your healing.
1) Questioning. This is not asking questions for clarity. These tend to be who, what, when, where questions. I'm talking about questioning to poke holes in your story, undermine your courage in telling it, second-guess their experience and even "expose" them as frauds. "Are you sure about that?" Aren't you exaggerating a bit? There are accompanying tone and facial features: condescending, skeptical, scoffing, and eye-rolling. They look like they don't believe you because they don't. Or they want you to think they don't. The worst ones who ask outlandishly hurtful questions with imitation sweet smiles. ("Do you really believe your mother would do that to you?")
Invalidators fake like they are "just trying to help" you be sure of yourself, to make sure you're not imagining it. And other such nonsense. But what they are doing is tearing down what little confidence you have. They aren't working for clarity but confusion and self-doubt. Well thanks all the same, but those of us with CPTSD already got those aplenty. And really how pompous can you be to assume you know someone's story better than them? This is subliminal, passive-aggressive gaslighting. Run far from anyone who treats you like this.
2) Minimizing. See also dismissing and downplaying. "All parents do those thing." "It's not that big of a deal." That's easy for invalidators to say. They're not the one going through it. And they're far from cavalier about their own struggles. They bitch and piss and moan constantly. And I've been pooh-poohing their narcissistic abuse all my life. It's how I got CPTSD in the first place. I don't need to downplay it, I need to highlight it!
3) "Lightening the mood." My raging narcissist father used to gaslight me with that shit all the time, telling me I needed to "lighten up" and not be so sensitive (to his horrendously caustic, backstabbing, nit-picking attacks). He who was the most over-sensitive, over-reactive, easily offended, heavy of them all! He routinely told me, as a little child, how he was so depressed he was contemplating suicide! Where's all your mood lightening now, dad? Who are these people to dictate when or that I should "cheer up?" Narcissistic abuse isn't some fucking circus. Pasting a smile is what I've done all my life. And look where that's got me.
4) Toxic positivity. Oh how I hate this one. You've just told someone that your mom abandoned you at 6, and they come back with "well, at least you had a mom. Not all kids do." Or some other "upbeat" horseshit . You want to see the bright side of abuse, do it in your own life. Cause from where I'm standing, your are just cheering on the perpetrator.
5) "Brutal honesty." Any time someone says they're just "telling it like it is" "for your own good" "as your friend" run. Because it won't be honest, just brutal. And it's only "how it is" in their self-serving opinion. And it's most definitely not good for you. I had this from a plus-sized narc recently. After blindsiding me with an insanely insane attack of venom, he said "I'm just telling you (nasty) things about you that no one else has the courage to (?!) Buddy, it ain't courage others lack. It's just you being, a cowardly, devious git. Anyone who would presume to have insider knowledge into your head, or who feels entitled to shame you because you "need" to hear it, is neither truthful, nor honest nor your friend. They are insecure, ignorant, arrogant asswipes trying to make you feel as bad as they act. They wouldn't know truth if it kicked them in the butt. They don't even wait for you to share anything with them but just blast you with their unsolicited idiotic opinions.
The very fact that these people hit you WHEN YOU ARE DOWN shows their true colors. They are not helpful and have no intention of being so. They are nasty invalidators. You trusted them with very sensitive and personal admissions. And they not only shat on it, they rubbed your nose in it. You were vulnerable with them and they exploited you to boost their fragile egos.
No comments:
Post a Comment