Hi my name is mar and I'm a fear-of-failure-aholic. Low self esteem, self doubt and other joy killers have derailed so much good, or, should I say, prevented me from seeing good, in me. The loudest demon on my back, self doubt or insecurity, is so ever-present that he's become something of a pet, albeit an ugly one. These pernicious party crashers have even made weight loss more difficult, or more correctly the ability to celebrate weight loss.
This blog explores how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass. And time and again, I've seen how mental and emotional health play as large a role as physical. How I lost 100 pounds was as much (maybe more) about caging and managing negative mindsets as calorie restricting. And I realized today how insignificant and even non-existent dings to my self esteem can still send me spiraling.
As relates to obesity and weight loss, I call these negative mindsets, "fattitude" which I define as just those hateful, nasty head voices like low self esteem, feeling of failure, self doubt, self hatred and even self harm. And yes, I'm hearing as I write how often the word "self" is used. Does that mean, on top of everything, that I'm selfish, self-centered or self-absorbed and that I have to feel guilt for that too?? Maybe, maybe, maybe and no.
No, those of us who struggle with low self esteem aren't necessarily selfish, self-centered or self-absorbed. We can be but more often it means we were raised by people who were. People who may have weaponized their own low self esteem and it our problem. People who blamed, shamed and guilted us for their own insecurities. We thought it was our job to fix their issues and when we couldn't, felt we'd failed, felt hopeless, helpless and horrible.
This topic obviously requires a ton more thought and discussion. If you identify with any of this, let me just end today's missive with this. Consider muzzling the negative self message beast. Work on, as Alanon says, taping over those messages with positive self affirmations. Get the trowel out and dig around to find from whence this negativity springs and uproot it. It was a real ah-ha! moment when I sourced my self-hatred. I felt so much freer and lighter.
Like dandelions, the negativity sneaks back when I'm not vigilant. But at least now I know where it lives. Love to you all and peace be with you.
#howIlost100pounds
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