Why setting boundaries is bad advice to give narcissistic abuse survivors

Hello my friends. Today I was listening to my girl, Dr. Ramani and she addressed the very thing I'd just been wrestling with in my quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse: why setting boundaries is bad advice to give narcissistic abuse survivors. 

Boundary setting only works with respectful people

You don't have to tell respectful people to respect your space. So advice to set boundaries only works with people who don't need boundaries set with them.  Boundaries with narcissists are about as useful as a parasol in a hurricane. And definitely pointless against narcissistic parent abuse. Narcissistic parents crash boundaries all the time by enmeshing, invading privacy, demanding things they don't deserve, butting in where they don't belong, taking what's not theirs, not observing limits, usurping power, taking advantage, taking without giving, breaking promises, etc. 

Boundary setting with narcissists is a logical fallacy 

Telling someone to just set boundaries with a narcissist is a contradiction in terms. Narcissistic abuse is often the reason the victim needs to set them in the first place. And boundaries aren't things you can tell someone else to respect, certainly not someone who has been consistently ignoring your basic rights to start with. They are borders you place around yourself. But you are the one who has to protect them. And if the person you're setting them with won't observe them, it would be like building a fence of marshmallows around an angry bull. 

Narcissists hold others in contempt

So they also hold your boundaries in contempt as well as your needs, wants, feelings, ideas and self. They are haughty, vain and hypocritical. You can see it in their sneering faces and hear it dripping form their snide, scoffing belittlement. There are two sets of rules for you and them. Narcissistic parents do the very things they punish you for. They invalidate you and mock your principles. They tear you down. So if you set boundaries, they would just dismiss you and laugh in your face. They would take your pretty parasol, smash it and throw the pieces at you. 

Narcissists dictate terms or think they do

Especially narcissistic parents who believe everything their child does must pass the parent's rigorous judgment. The child must endure the parent's scathing criticism and vicious remarks which the parent himself would wither under. But the parent doesn't hold his own actions to account. And woe be to anyone who take HIM to task. So a narcissist will only respect boundaries he deems worthy and since he doesn't deem anyone but himself worthy, he tramples down everyone else. 

Narcissists are crybullies

While insensitively disrespecting everyone else and riding herd over their turf, he is oversensitive around his own fragile ego. He is a crybully who treats people abominably then DARVOs (deny, attack, reverse victim offender) and makes himself out to be the poor, put upon victim. He targets the person he is bullying as bullying him. His narcissistic abuse is a endless vicious loop with someone else always at fault and him the injured party. It is exhausting simply to be in the same house with him, let alone trying to protect yourself. 

Narcissists take boundaries as an insult

Narcissists think they control others. They demand a say in stuff that isn't their business. And enmeshed narcissistic parents take this nuclear. Because they view children as goods and chattel. They don't parent, they possess. The child must do and be whatever the parents says he must do or be with not thought of his own. So if the child, even in adulthood, says no to a narcissistic parent, the parent becomes enraged that his "property" has denied him his "rights." Narcissists tolerate limits being set about as well as they'd accept the car suddenly refusing to transport them. 

Narcissists see your boundaries as a challenge

As well as being arrogant and entitled, narcissists are belligerent, antagonistic and disagreeable trouble-makers. They start problems where none exist. So not only are they unreasonably offended by other people's boundaries, they see them as hurdles to be overcome, fences to be jumped as it were. Whatever you put sanctions on will suddenly become the thing they must have. The thing you ask them not to do will be the very thing they do. Much better advice is give them no feedback to exploit. 

Narcissists exploit your vulnerabilities

They pick at your raw spots until they bleed. They ping exposed nerves. They mock and jibe and say outrageously insulting and contemptuous things. They heckle you about things you are sensitive about. Then gaslight you that you are too sensitive. And it's actually not just things you personally would be sensitive about. Things that would bother anyone and CERTAINLY the narcissist if he was treated this way. They like to rile people and see them unsettled, especially their children. They provoke and provoke until you crack and then shame you for cracking. 

Boundary setting is a contradiction

So the theory behind boundary setting is that you create this invisible wall to protect yourself. You say what you will and won't tolerate and then you enforce boundaries by doing whatever it is you said you will or won't do if the untolerated behavior occurs. Which is all kind of nebulous to start with. And certainly isn't simple and cut and dried. Because you can't tell them what to do, only what you will do if they do it. But the whole reason for setting boundaries is kind to control other people.  Just the term "tolerate" implies intolerable action on someone else's part. But what you end up doing is, still, amending your own behavior to suit them. He goes on a rampage, you leave the house. He still calls the shots. And often you can't even do the thing you need to do to police these mythical boundaries. He's working on your car so you CAN'T leave. You have kids relying on you. What are you supposed to do? Walk everyone to the library in the pouring rain to avoid his rage, just so you can say you enforced your boundaries? (Been there, done that.) 

"You don't build fences unless someone else is trespassing."

Explaining your boundaries will ensure they're violated

You tell the narcissist what your boundaries are and you can be sure he'll sabotage it. You just played right into his hand and fed him the information. And you made more work for yourself. You've put the time into laying out a plan and communicating it and now, after he's made damn sure you can't follow through, will scold you for not keeping your promise. With a narcissist, it's best NOT to show your hand. Just do whatever it is you need to. 

Boundary setting with narcissists is counterproductive

Again, you aren't telling the person you set boundaries with, what to do. You're saying what you'll will do. Which as I explained above is often impossible. But let's take a simpler example: "I don't answer the phone after 8 pm." You're not telling them not to call, you're just sort of hinting that you won't answer. I say hinting because the reason you set the boundary was probably because they called too late. And instead of saying "quit calling" because God forbid we tell someone to knock it off, we have to find a way to sugarcoat it. Because remember, it's all about how you handle it,  never what they do (said sarcastically, that's another piece of tommyrot advice). But it won't matter how backhandedly you say it, they won't respect it anyway.  They will do exactly what you've wishy-washily hinted they not do just to make you break your own boundary. They will keep on calling till you answer the damn phone. 

Boundary setting advice is victim shaming

And bloody patronizing advice at that. It suggests that none of the abuse and violations would occur if victim would just "stand up for herself" or "grow a pair." Which just contradicts the advice because you can't control what someone does. No matter how tall you stand. You cannot make someone stop hurting you. You can only hit them harder or stay out of their way. Setting boundaries they won't respect is just more nonsense homework for the victim and does nothing to address the aggressor. 

Better advice to narcissistic abuse victims

• Say nothing. 
• Don't give yourself away. 
• Stay cool. 
• Grey rock (this is only a temporary fix for bad situations. It won't make them stop and you can't stay a rock forever). 
• Don't share vulnerabilities. 
• Don't ask them to do or not to do something if it's important to you. They'll just do the opposite. 
• Don't tell them how you feel. They don't care and they've proved it. Healthy people don't need to be told something obviously hurtful is hurtful. 
• Find an outlet or hobby to help vent the frustration.