Wake-up call on childhood trauma from narcissistic parents' CSA and emotional incest

Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm exploring a wake-up call I had regarding my parents' emotional incest and CSA. This is terribly triggering to me and may be to you as well, so I want to warn you about that upfront. 

"Touchless" or Emotional Incest 

I have talked before about my mother's "touchless" yet very inappropriate sexual interactions with me. The fact that there was no physical CSA has kept me gaslit about the fact that it was still CSA. And no wonder. Society, religion, even authorities and psychologists have denied it as actual abuse. I've experienced both kinds and of the two, I'd say the emotional CSA was the worst. So how does this emotional incest manifest, if not in touch? 

Examples of Emotional Incest and CSA

• describing things of sexual nature to child
• viewing pornography in front of child
• parent or adult mocking child's body (mocking a child is NEVER okay) 
• describing plot of "dirty movie" (in my case it was "A Clockwork Orange")
• insisting on having the "the talk" when child is too young or not ready
• talking about sexuality when child says "stop!" 
• sharing intimate details of personal sex life with child (HUGE red flag)
• behaving provocatively in front of child (making out with boyfriend)
• openly flirting, sitting on lap (my mother licked her boyfriend's ear in front of me)
• forcing child to witness violent confrontation with cheated-on spouse 
• telling dirty jokes
• dressing inappropriately (going as "hooker" for Halloween, making me help with costume)
• forcing child to see parent naked (exhibitionism, answering the door naked to be "caught.")
• violating child's body boundaries by touching or discussing without consent
• violating privacy (entering room without knocking, reading diary)
• discussing private things about child publicly (telling family that the child has pubic hair)
• using child as sex therapist (dumping, parent saying she was molested)
• exposing children to dangerous known offenders 
• leaving child alone with unvetted adults, often overtly sexually "off" people. 
• "cheating" (committing adultery) with child's knowledge
• rationalizing affairs to child (telling child she is "leading boyfriend to Jesus")
• loud intimacy at inappropriate times, when child is around
• hitting on people close to the child (friend, boyfriend, grandfather, teacher)
• being lewd 
• making the child feel dirty about the parent's own perversions
• calling the child "loose" or "easy" or "dirty" 
• blaming the child for being assaulted by people the parent left the child with
• engaging in pedophilia (my 35 y/o dad "dated' a 17 y/o and took me along to normalize it)

Slippery slope of emotional CSA 

None of these behavior are "gray areas" open to interpretation. They are all deviant and predatory, period. Normal healthy parents will instantly see what's wrong with all of this. However these kinds of things have flown under the radar for so long that some have wormed their way into silently permitted acts. These are not accidental. Enmeshed malignant narcissistic parents do them intentionally all the time. They do it to get their creepy narcissistic supply hit (a drug-like euphoria gained from feeling falsely grand, important and powerful). Malignant narcissists get supply from degrading other people. 

Why children stay silent in hidden incest

The fact that enmeshed, malignant narcissist parents do it blatantly and consistently, blurs the lines of normal for a child. Often, CSA goes undetected because it relies on being reported. The parent perpetrator isn't likely to. And if the child was a victim the last thing she wanted was to tell anyone. Also victim blaming is a sadly common occurrence. So the child keeps silent and absorbs the humiliation, disgust and shame, thinking she must have done something to cause or deserve it. Dirty was done to her but she's the one who feels dirty.

My 5-alarm wake up call

I have been living with this shame for 61 years. And three days ago, I had an epiphany about one small part of the emotional incest. My mother has been telling on herself for years and I just didn't hear it till now. She has always talked about sex openly to me, including her own experiences, since I was 7 or 8.  She describes how she would tell me about things in such a way as to make it look like it was "for my own good." Such as explaining how intercourse works. So that is a job of parenting but it's difficult for parent and child in normal families. My mother seemed to enjoy it and the fact that I hated it. She said I'd cover my ears and beg her to stop AND SHE WOULD IGNORE AND FORCE ME TO LISTEN. 

Emotional incest is always the parent's fault

I'd cut my tongue out before I'd force sex talk on kids. But somehow I assumed it was okay for me to hear it (though it was uncomfortable AF) because mother said so. I'd heard her say many times, with pride, how she forced this on me. Yet I just realized what was wrong with that now. She wasn't telling me details and anecdotes to help me. If she was, she'd have respected my boundaries and stopped. She was doing it for her. To feed her narcissistic supply. Or for some sick twisted self-serving reason. I realized that the reason I've always felt so awful was that she was making me feel awful. I also woke up and realized she's always done this, in a variety of ways. She was dumping her depravity and perversion on me and I'm the one who felt her shame. 

One red flag reveals more

Getting my head straight on this, helps me get clear on other instances of emotional incest in my life. And it makes me angry that I was so misused by people who were supposed to love me. I want to wash away the filth they inbred in me. It's like cleansing the Augean Stables, but I'll keep working away at it. I'm grieving the theft of childhood innocence. I want my life back. And I realize I'll never get that. So I want to make now the best I can. 

Homework for Child Victims

Healing is a process. Please treat yourself with the kindness you deserved as a child.

• Hear the alarms: It is not your fault; it was never your fault.
• Identify the perpetrators: See the reality of who abused your trust.
• Grieve. You lost your chance to child. 
• Take a mental shower: Consciously release the shame that was projected onto you.
• Take back you. 
• Comfort little you. 
• Practice self-compassion: Be the protective, loving adult you needed back then.