What trauma nightmares teach me about scapegoating, FOG, fawn response

 Hello my friends. This is probably a confusing title but let me try to clarify. On my path to healing childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse and spousal narcissistic abuse, I'm learning from my dreams. I've suffered with terrible dreams and nightmares every night of my life going back as far as I can remember. Nightmares or emotional flashbacks are two ways CPTSD manifests for me. I see clearly in dreams what I can't see in wakefulness how parent scapegoating created a knee jerk fawn response in me. I see that I live in a FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Here's how. 

Miracle Worker

My dreams are NEVER peaceful and ALWAYS chaotic. I find myself in confusing situations in which I'm expected, by a coercive, unseen presence to do ridiculous, Herculean tasks alone. I'm plunked down in these dilemmas, not told what to do, just commanded to "make it happen." I don't know what to do, just that I have to do it. There's not just one but many conflicting demands of childcare, housework, cooking, schoolwork, teaching classes, chauffeuring, laundry simultaneously. 

Making Bricks without Straw

I'm never given resources to accomplish these tasks. When I have to teach a class, it's in the middle of an open highway. I have mountains of laundry and only a tiny shoebox size machine that's broken. I have to transport multiple children in a Little Tikes Cozy Coupe. There's not enough food but I have to feed an army. I have a huge project due and couldn't work on it because of all the other expectations. Stuff like that. 

"Trying to meet needs with the resources provided is like trying to move a mountain using a plastic toy shovel."

No autonomy

Not only do I have to do all these things with no resources, I cannot make my own decisions. I have to read the minds of my unseen supervisors. And they won't help. I must ask permission for everything. Which of course makes it even more impossible to accomplish anything. So I just kind of make it all happen, badly but what else can I do. 

Fog of FOG

I'm lost in a fog of Fear, Obligation and Guilt and I don't even know what I'm afraid of or obligated to. I feel guilty, ashamed and stupid because I can't even seem to please anyone or get anything right. I. Am. So. Tired. 

Gaslighted into Silence

I am in situations where common sense dictates a simple solution. But I can't make that choice because a nameless, faceless mob has gaslighted and bullied me not only into silence but complicit gaslighting. What I  mean is that I believe I can't do anything without permission and I'd never dream of asking for it. Pun intended. In last night's dream, I was forced to care for two unfamiliar and frightened children. Their parents came in, fixed themselves food and left me to try to soothe, feed, co-sleep with, while they just  went their merry way. I thought "why aren't I telling them to feed and care for their children?" But knew I couldn't dare because that would be breaking some unwritten code of the bullies. I never see who the bullies are but I know they are there. 

Helpless and Hopeless

Despite actually managing to do a lot of what is expected of me, this mob, this "Sanhedrin" is always sitting in judgement. They are self-righteously and contemptuously furious with me. They've gaslighted me into believing I've done some unspeakable, unforgivable thing. They won't tell me what it is. They won't allow me any restitution. They just wag angry fingers. The belief persists into waking and I am still not sure there isn't something I've buried. Maybe there is. I am crippled by shame. 

The nightmares aren't dreams, they're memories. 

My husband pointed out that this chaos was my childhood with narcissistic parents. And to some extent, it's my now with him too only not as bad and he admits it. But doesn't change it. I'm slowly prying my hands off my eyes to see that he has vulnerable narcissist traits too. These trauma nightmares reflect my role parent-assigned role of scapegoat, people pleaser and fixer. The invisible but loud mob represents my four narcissistic parents ganging up on me with their endless demands. The "Sanhedrin" is them punishing me not for what I do but who I am. 

Rethinking the unthinkable 

My exhausted trauma brain cannot let go of the idea that they are just loving parents and I'm the problem. Because children can't process parents as malignant bullies. We have no frame of reference, no precedent and neither does society. These broken people are square pegs we're trying to fit in round holes. And when they refuse to, when they keep showing us their real selves, we can't accept it. Our only option is to rethink, to auto-gaslight ourselves as the misshapen piece. What my dreams tell me is that I deserve all this for daring to survive their cruelty.

Bridge over troubled waters

So where does all this leave me? Baffled, tired, lonely, confused. What can I do to bridge this shadow hell with reality? To be honest, my trauma nightmares feel more real than reality. I have many more dream memories than memories. I think. Unless these dream memories are iterations or representations of actual memories. I'm not sure yet, but I think, the answer lies in a five-fingered glove model. 

• Thumb: radical acceptance. Realizing and accepting what was and is. What happens and happened, happens and happened. I didn't make it up. 
• First finger: Rescuing my inner child trapped in the nightmares. That poor kid has struggled alone for too long now. The last thing she needs is more auto-gaslighting or shame. She needs help, support, a shoulder to cry on, an advocate. That's one mission of this blog is to give the Little Mermaid back her stolen voice. 
• Middle Finger: (apt metaphor lol) Stick it to the mob and take back MY power. When the lazy parents in last night's dream leave me with their children, I leave. I say "Oh no you don't. Get back here and make your child a sandwich." And if the inner Sanhedrin doesn't like it, good. Serves 'em right for all the FOG hell they put me through. 
• Ring Finger: Break contracts I never signed. Unyoke from burdens that never were mine. Divorce myself from toxic people and situations. 
• Pinky: shut off the gas and gaslighting. This one is the smallest but also hardest of all. Because, as in the case of the dream children, I feel responsible. How could I not?? They are children. What if their parents don't take care of them? I have to accept that I cannot fix that. I am not responsible to right all the wrongs in the world, much as I'd like to. And, AND, the children don't exist. They are illusions or memory phantoms my mind has invented. Or should I say my parents invented to shackle me to. I have enough to worry about in REAL LIFE without carrying ghosts.