Boundary setting is risky for children of abusive narcissistic parents

Hello my friends. Today I'm taking a "part two" look at why advice to set boundaries doesn't work with narcissists. I'm exploring how it's actually risky, especially for children of abusive narcissistic parents. And maybe even everyone. I'll explore how boundary setting is a flawed, contradiction in terms. 

Boundary setting advice is trite and pointless

So you're in therapy and you tell some outrageous behavior your parent did. And what's the first thing she pops out with? "You need to set boundaries." (often said in a smarmy "duh" way). They often say this in such a way that assumes you are failing to set boundaries. So victim shaming. And they also say it like you know how to do it, you're just choosing not to. But they don't even know what boundaries look like with normal people, let alone with narcissists or (heaven help us) narcissistic parents. 

What does boundary setting mean?

They can't tell you, these advice-givers. Because the definitions are vague at best. I kind of broke AI when I asked her to explain how to set boundaries with narcissistic parents. She kept looping back to base. She was not programmed to give details, just repeat cliches. And that's because real-life folks can't either. 

Boundary setting is placeholder advice

It's what people say when they don't know what else to say but want to dispense advice. It's a mild form of toxic positivity. And also gaslighting because it denies the reality of boundary setting as complicated, situational, user-defined, fluid and very often downright impossible or counterintuitive. 

Who sets and who observes the boundaries?

Here's where it gets really Star Trekkie. The idea is that you define for yourself what you will and won't put up with. Then you determine what you will do if you are forced to. Then you communicate it. You don't broadcast it. You just tell the affected parties. You don't tell others what to do only what you will do if they violate your boundaries. Which assumes they will because why else would you be telling them? In which case, plan on having to vigilantly patrol them solo. (exhausted yet, I am!)

Boundary setting is pointless

People who respect you don't need boundaries set around them and people who don't won't respect your boundaries any more than they respect you. For those who do, no explanation is needed, for those who need it, no explanation will do. Setting boundaries around invaders is an exercise in futility and an exhausting, frustrating waste of your bandwidth. 

Note: "You don't build fences unless someone else is trespassing."

Do we really need to have this conversation?

So just as boundary setting defines explanation, it only works in theory. Narcissist DON'T respect you which is why you need to build fences to protect yourself in the first place. And furthermore, the stuff you're erecting boundaries around is just common sense stuff that should be observed in the first place. Do you really need to tell someone that you don't like it when they scream at you, that you won't tolerate it and if they do, you'll have to walk away? 

Is boundary setting just issuing ultimatums? 

Yeah, kind of. You wouldn't need to "set boundaries" if your space wasn't being invaded. You only build fences where someone trespasses. And so it's a bit ridiculous to say that you aren't trying to control someone else's behavior. The entire point of the exercise is to navigate around people and situations that are threatening us. I'm not saying it's wrong to, but let's be honest about why we are. Usually, a selfish, demanding narcissistic person is trampling our rights and we're trying to get them to stop. But then that leads to other problems for us. 

Boundary setting puts all the work on you 

So the narcissist treats you badly. He calls you at all hours and disturbs your sleep. But you can't make him stop. You can only control you. So you put up walls (boundaries) to protect yourself. You say "I won't answer calls after 9 pm. Which he ignore and keeps calling. So you keep amending your behavior in hopes of forcing a change in his. You build taller walls. You turn the phone off. But then you miss calls you need to get.  And he still keeps trampling. And then finally you get tired and give in. You take his calls. And he gets what he wants and his behavior never changes. Because there's a secret flaw with boundaries that no one tells you. 

Communicating boundaries spikes their guns

Setting terms of engagement with a narcissist is like a kitten making a peace treaty with a polar bear. You saying  what you want or don't want just feeds them ammunition to hurt you with. Narcissists see transparency as weakness and boundaries as challenges. The thing you say you don't like is the thing they will go out of their way to do. Don't show your hand. It's not safe. Keep your boundaries if you set them, in your head. Don't warn them. Just do whatever it is you've pre-determined to do with no explanation. Don't JADE (justify, answer back, defend or explain). 

Boundary setting hurts you more than them

Again, not saying we don't need to set them but let's be realistic about how boundaries impact us. We spend all our energy trying to outmaneuver the arrogant boundary crosser. We do all kinds of things to "stay safe" and avoid him. We change things about ourselves that we shouldn't. We give up things we want and need. We leave the house to work at the library which totally disrupts our day. We walk with the kids in the rain to the playground because he's making home a living hell. And our car is down and he won't pay to have it fixed. And we don't get it repaired because we don't want him to punish us through our children. Well sounds to me like what we were already doing for the narcissist and what caused us to have to set the damn boundaries in the first place! It's like the parent who grounds the child and then realizes she just effectively grounded herself. 

And these are only the pitfalls of setting boundaries as an adult. Children have to inkling of how to set them around enmeshed narcissistic parent behavior. Or that they even should or could. We are programmed to only to serve their purposes. We function as possessions. It would never cross out minds to question their boundary crossing, no matter how egregious. Our boundaries would as useful as a paper hat in a nuclear war.