Childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse: the most bewildering impact

 

Hello my friends. Today in my journey to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse I'm going to explore the most bewildering impact of that. I've discussed this before but could write volumes more. And actually working to heal that is part of how I lost 100 pounds. So what is this bewildering effect of childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse?

The exhausted confusion of narcissistic parent abuse

I'm tired all the time and have been all of my life, including in childhood. Trauma nightmares caused sleep deprivation. It made me clumsy. When every other kid was bouncing with energy, I just wanted to sit quietly or take a nap. Other kids ostracized me because I couldn't even play basic games properly. It wasn't their fault. Their lives were so different from mine. It wasn't my fault. I wasn't different. It was my parents fault for making my life so different. Life has always felt very overwhelming because my parents were so chaotic and unpredictable to the point of betrayal. 

Hypocritical doublespeak confusion

Endless double standards, criticizing over inconsequential things, scolding for things I hadn't done, rules for me and no one else kept me in a baffled mental state not unlike delirium. I would dream they did some terrible thing to me and then wake confused about whether it had happened. 9 times  out of 10, a variation of it had happened. So it was more of a childhood trauma nightmare memory. 

Ferberized by neglect and deprivation

But there was no one there to help young me navigate it all. Those who were supposed to parent, only made it worse. Those who should have been allies either chose not to see, didn't care or were cowed into silence by my bullying parents. Parents who withheld me from my support system and moved me out of their reach. While themselves, neglecting me in the most shocking ways and situations. I learned from neglect and deprivation to quit asking for help that was never going to be forthcoming. They conditioned me to expect shaming and punishment for basic needs. So I quit expecting it and ultimately gaslit myself that I didn't deserve it. 

Adult-ified and parentified

Life in narcissistic parent abuse is constantly flip-flopping demands and expectations and gaslit reality. My parents who really did owe me things, used FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) to distort reality to make it seem that I owed them. Narcissistic parents rewire the child's brain to make her think that she is the parent and her parents are her responsibility. In my case, that included their new partners and children. I have never not felt responsible for enormous burdens that I can't even articulate. And my trauma nightmares bear this out. 

Gaslighting and gassing

These tandem weapons deserve a book all of their own. Narcissistic parents abuse kids not just with lies. They don't just gaslight the scapegoat child, they gas her with toxic and poisonous FOG of treachery and sabotage. They fabricate entire false worlds that they implant in the child's mind. They use not just untruths, but deception, manipulation, twisting, exploitation of vulnerability, distortions and other devious, conniving and cunning machinations. Now I can only think with a damaged trauma brain. I feel ashamed of needing, feeling and wanting. The "gassing affect" of gaslighting leaves permanent scars in the actual cerebral cortex from the countless cortisol bursts of childhood trauma and chaos. 

Pain and illness from narcissistic parent abuse 

My CPTSD and exhaustion caused actual physical pain in joints, ear-nose-throat, skin rashes like hives and psoriasis, poor vision, sleep apnea, learning and processing difficulties and other conditions directly attributable to childhood trauma. My parents did nothing about them, despite being perfectly capable of doing so. As I got sicker and more exhausted, my parents became more demanding and bullying, kicking me when I was at my weakest because they were on malignant narcissistic supply highs. 

Nightmares  

Even when I can sleep, I'm plagued with horrific nightmares that beggar description. I have literally terrified people with my screams. It got so bad that as a child, I could not sleep over at anyone's house because the dreams were so frightening that I frightened others. My nightmares make me look insane. And what did my narcissistic parents do about them? Jeered and made fun of me. While forcing me into even more traumatic neglectful situations. I co-slept with their children, got up at night with them, dealt with constant fears of fire, home invasion and injury to the children. I slept in cold, cramped corners, on old damaged mattresses, with used, dirty pillows with needles in them, in airless rooms, on WW2 army cots, on the floor, on an unheated porch, never in a proper bed. While everyone else had new beds, WATERBEDS, air conditioning, everything to their comfort. My dad even bought himself and his wife a fountain, because he liked the sound, while I had garbage the thrift store wouldn't take. 

And that's just one aspect of the abuse that narcissistic parents are capable of. 

Baffling confusion

So the most bewildering impact of narcissistic parent abuse was overwhelming confusion. Not just about why they would do this to me. Just confusion, like delirium, or brain damage, or shell shock, that leaves you unable to breathe and feeling like you are drowning. It makes you feel blind, sluggish, lost, dazed like you have a concussion. Nothing is clear. You feel helpless like you are carrying a giant boulder on your shoulders. It makes you see everything cloudy. It zaps your good judgement, self-care skills and decision making ability. This is confusion that renders all reality a big baffling mess. 

Cognitive dissonance and Eucharistic-like split

Nothing in your life matches reality. Your parents don't act like other parents. You have weird, scary bullying strange people put in authority over you. They now have control of and access to you too. You're expected to just add them to your list. You can't please everyone or meet their ever-shifting demands. This is cognitive dissonance. And finally after trying everything else to cope in this gaslighted hell, you fracture yourself. You crack yourself into little pieces, and distribute yourself like Holy Communion, to everyone who wants a piece. Difference is, Jesus chose to give himself and you never did. You're nothing more than a little pile of crumbles like broken cereal crumbs in the bottom of the box. And still they keep taking. 

Weaponized trauma responses

And, the most sick and disgusting part is that after creating this brain damage, your narcissistic parents weaponize  your confusion against you, with blame-shifting, shaming, and leveraging your vulnerability to their advantage. So I have forgiven them in that I accept  it happened and I'm not seeking revenge. But their day is coming. You cannot be this evil to a little child entrusted to your care and not face some consequences. 

I mentioned that part of how I lost 100 pounds was in addressing this soul confusion. It has to do with realizing that I can set down this boulder of shame and responsibility I was never meant to carry. And it turns out that releasing burdens that aren't yours allows your body to release the protective armor of weight it thinks it needs to carry the load. I'll explore more on what this has to do with how I lost 100 pounds in future posts. I'm not there yet. But each day moving forward, away from these toxic parents and toward healing is a little triumph of my self over enslavement.