"Ballet is evil" and other hypocritical nonsense about modesty and pride, from a homeschool group

Hello my friends. Is my title a bit rage-bait-y? I hope so. It also happens to be based on my actual experiences with some Christians homeschool groups we were part of. I was told by several mommies that my daughter's ballet dancing was "of the devil" and "immodest" because she "showed off her body" and "danced for her own glory." While their daughters bouncing around the basketball court was "modest" and "Christian" because they did it for God and their tight T-shirts said so. I am not making this up. 

And if it's rage bait, it's because I want you to hear and be angered by this hypocritical nonsense as I heard and wasn't but should have been, angered by it. Imagine these things said with all the condescending, disdainful, supercilious, self-righteous, presumed moral authority dripping off. If you've known folks like this, it won't be difficult. 

It didn't happen once but several times in different "Christian" groups, where the idea of dance, particularly ballet, was targeted as sinful (and my daughter by default because she was the one only one in the group taking ballet). While these same mommies lauded their daughters for playing basketball or soccer or whatever sport they happened to participate in. 

What started the conversation, was a previous experience in another homeschool group. I was co-planning a talent show. Note: traumatized kids like me are notorious for doing the lion's share of work in most situations. We work too hard and are too reliable. And that relates to how this played out for me. Despite working my butt off to make sure their kids were able to showcase their talents, I asked (asked, mind you) if my daughter could perform a ballet piece as hers. I believe my question was something like "would anyone be offended?" I never questioned what anyone else's kid did and no one else had to ask permission. Well, as you might imagine if you know people like this, the answer was no. She can't and yes because "people" will be offended. Said ever-so-gently-sweetly-patronizingly, fucking smarmily. 

I didn't see that at the time though. All I felt was confusedly, ashamed, ignorant and immoral for letting my daughter do something so evil as ballet. It triggered all the shit I'd grown up hearing about how anything I was interested in or good at was either "of the devil" or me showing off, pride and vanity. So theater, singing, being an honor student, teaching, a desire to travel, it was all just selfish. It never occurred to me that everyone else proudly showed off their achievements.  My dad and mom both played violin and organ in churches (even though their moral lives left a lot to be desired). No one questioned them on the arrogance they very definitely showed. 

And in these homeschool groups, the girls all played basketball, soccer and other sports. They were musicians and singers. They were praised for it. We were encouraged to go and cheer them on. When I enquired why this was okay but my daughter dancing wasn't I was told (and I quote) "they do it for God whereas dancers dance for themselves." Huh. So you say. But the last time I checked, people didn't play to lose. They played to win! And she  had a comeback for that too. They were "winning for God." Because God takes sides in a stupid game? 

Oh and one of the moms did this condescending little thing were she said, privately to me that she actually likes ballet. So generous of her. She just didn't think it was "appropriate" for an audience?? But a basketball game and piano playing are? But oh no, she said, those the Lord loves because the girls are doing it for Him. MMMMkay? 

So not only do you speak with a forked tongue, you have the audacity to suggest  you can read minds? You, who don't know me nor my daughter, know why she performs her dance? And that's it's not for God? Wow. Tell me you're not a judgmental, arrogant, holier-than-thou know-it-all.  And and ignorant to boot. Clearly these moms don't know shit about ballet if they think it's a one-woman show. The performance only succeeds when each person plays their part. And not all forms of dance are the same. 

Even though David danced NAKED before God. And the Bible calls dance the highest form of worship. But you can't win over the proud with facts. They're too entrenched in their own religious correctness. Which is way worse than political correctness, but again I digress. They just dug their heels in, that sports and music were good and ballet was evil. 

And then pulled out what they imagined was the clincher. (But which actually just showed their ignorant hypocrisy the more clearly). Ballet "costumes" were "immoral" and immodest. Girls show off their bodies dancing in their "underwear." Well, a leotard, skirt and tights to be exact. Apparently "tight clothes" leads men to lust. But their daughters flopping around the field and court in skimpy shorts and tank tops, doesn't. Because they weren't displaying their bodies. Or were displaying them for God?? Ewww. 

Well, call me simple but, parts is parts. And female bits jiggle the same on the court as on a dance floor More maybe. And if a leotard is "sexy" than so is a jersey. In fact, if polled, I'd bet pervs lust more over a bouncing basketball player than a ballet dancer. But any conversation about young girls being sexy, says a lot more about the dirty pedophile minds of the people having the conversation, than the girls or what they are wearing. And neither boys nor girls are the problem, it's weird pervy adults making what is normal childhood, into something icky. It is disgusting how parents put their sick sexual perversions on beautiful children. Morality, my eye. This is voyeurism, plain and simple. 

Having said all that, I see now what I didn't see then, that there was no difference. Or if there was it was in defense of ballet which is classical and elegant and collaborative vs. competitive. These people just preach good old self-righteous double standards cloaked as morality. Wrong is wrong because we say it is. It's whatever we're not doing. And we're right because we're we. 

But be that all as it may, I did bow to what seemed to be the moral majority and didn't have my daughter perform dance. Of course, I didn't tell her why because I didn't want her to feel bad. But it was really strange at the talent show how kids were singing, playing an instrument and other performing arts. I mean for goodness sakes it was a TALENT show! And if I'm honest, I heard more pride than Christian humility. And you know, they had a right to be proud of their talent. 

People asked me if Molly would be dancing because they were looking forward to it. I think I may have been honest with at least one person and told them why she wasn't. And as I recall they thought that was pretty weird. I can't recall. Those unhappy times are all jumbled up in my head along with all the narcissist parent abuse. 

I wish now I'd just said well, then we won't participate and we'll start our own show where kids won't be shamed for their talents. Turns out I should have. Because Ms. Ballet is Inappropriate, inappropriately inserted herself into the KIDS' talent show with a long, boring self-adulating monologue that wasted half the show and the remaining kids had to cut  their own performances short. Her main character energy was so awkward.  Even my friend who wouldn't shay shit if  her mouth was full, was visibly annoyed. People asked me later why we, the organizers, let her ruin the performance. Well, we didn't have much choice. Arlene just grabbed the mic in her larger than life way and took over. It was rich, after her lecturing me the on vanity of dance. 

So that was one situation. But I wanted further input. Is dance really so evil? So I asked in another homeschool group about what their perception was of ballet. The other one was protestant and this was a Catholic one. But I was pretty sure I'd get the same response.  And yes, I admit to starting the conversation, just to hear if and how they would defend their kids hobbies, while maintaining a shaming stance toward ballet. 

And they didn't disappoint. I was pretty much nailed to the wall for even saying my daughter did ballet. You'd have thought I suggested prostitution as an after-school hobby. No one came to my support, not even my good friend. I'm not exaggerating what an inquisition it was. 

And then, predictably, they went on to extoll the many virtues of girls' basketball. (Always the basketball!) They even defended swimming over dance. You'll love the logic. So after one smarmy marmy finished her anti-dance tirade, someone pointed out that kids swam together in her pool, scantily clad. And she said, oh no, all the girls have to wear a tee-shirt (!!) I had to applaud the mom of eight boys who said, "oh my God, no that's worse yet! It's just a wet tee-shirt contest!" 

It was only afterwards that a mom quietly confided that she'd love for her daughters to dance. But she didn't want to risk her friends' censure. Despite there being no church teaching on it whatsoever. So you fear man's approval more than God's. Well, sister there is church teaching on that. And it ain't approving. 

So we've compared sports and dance and found no differences, morality wise. So why does the idea persist that dance is somehow not Christian? Because this mentality does still persist. Listen to any of the self-styled "Christian" influencers like the Duggar family. It's this creepy group think that castigates others to make oneself feel important. 

But the problem, as I look back, wasn't so much that these homeschool moms acted this way. They shouldn't but that's neither my circus nor my monkeys. The problem is how I kowtowed to their ludicrous double standard BS. Stopping that is where my healing begins. 

How traumatized daughters of narcissist parents carry the holiday mental load

 Hello my friends. My most recent post was about how traumatized daughters of narcissist parents grow up carrying the mental load. Today I'll give some examples, related to the holidays and other situations in which we daughters take on everyone else's burdens, into adulthood. Actually, I say situations, but it's not situational. It's constant. We can't not get out of the fix-it role. 

Take Christmas for example. How many years I coordinated it all: decorations, cookies, homeschooling activities, food prep, gift buying, wrapping, party planning, doing the advent wreath and calendar and Jesse Tree, observing all the advent activities and holy days, hosting, getting to church, planning the church pageant, delivering cookie trays, cooking for an army, caroling, going to the nursing home, getting kids' costumes, navigating guests, juggling, making cards, prepare food baskets, getting Giving Tree gifts, helping the kids write the annual letter, mailing cards, making gifts for grandparents, godparents, aunts, uncles etc. Etc as in a shitload of other Christmas stuff too endless to name. 

I would get up at the ass crack of dawn with the kids to open presents, while he laid in bed and complained about how early it was, after he'd stayed up drinking and watching midnight mass (!) I did all the tree set up with kids and tear down alone. And all I heard was whining when it was time to take the tree down. He'd bitch that I (note the operative word "I" not "we" because I was the one who did it all) should leave the tree up till Jan 12 because that was the "real" end of the Christmas Octave. Meanwhile I'd been doing Advent stuff since Thanksgiving with the kids.

He had one job and even that I didn't expect of him: get my present. And he waited till the last minute and then had to go off "on his own" (meaning leaving all the kids with me, AGAIN) to get something I didn't even want. By Epiphany, I was sick of the entire idea of Christmas and physically ill with exhaustion. 

And I don't even have a selfish husband, per se. Clueless and entitled, perhaps, sometimes. And he did pitch in somewhat. I have just taken on the mental load since day one of the relationship. I never put  my foot down except to go and do whatever thing I was expected to do. I felt guilty if, in this Wonderland I created, one thing wasn't to specs. I'd be miserable because I feared letting someone down. Because I have lived all my life jumping through narcissist parent hoops that always moved just when I got it right. I've been the Christmas panto all in one. 

And I taught my husband what to expect. When he can't find something in the house he has lived in for 25 years and which is not that big, he yells to ask me where it is. If I say I don't know, he gets mad. Because "things are always moving." On their own volition. It seems we have a poltergeist. What he actually has is what I call layer blindness. He can only see the first row because  he is too lazy to actually move the ketchup bottle and look behind it for the cheese. So he calls me. To look at the same thing he's seeing. And the funny thing is, I always know where it is. Unless he has put it back wrong. 

And even then I can find it. Because I can move things. And I have to in order to, wait for it, keep that illusory peace. Which is no peace at all. Because he feels stupid (as well he should) but takes it out on me. If I suggest he actually look, he accuses me of patronizing him. He accuses the foods of moving. (Yes, the condiments and I are in a conspiracy against you, dear).  If I say no, he gets mad. So one way or another, he gets me to do his work. This is the end game of weaponized incompetence. 

And we laugh but it's not really funny. It's debilitating to me. I have all these voices in my head already, that are memories of narcissistic parent nonsense about how I'm too selfish, lazy, sensitive, Should be more responsible, yada yada. So when I sense tension, I'm hypervigilant to stave it off. All my anxieties, placating, soothing and people pleasing go into overdrive.  AND NARCISSISTS KNOW THIS. That's why they do it. To trigger me into rushing to fix. They might as well come right out and say "you'd better give us what we want or you'll suffer." Oh wait, they actually did. So these aren't triggers so much as memories. 

So the tricky part for me, is to call their collective bluff. To do the unthinkable and say "no." To ignore their demands of help with things they don't need help with. To not hear the pouting. To turn a deaf ear to their bleating complaints. And, the hardest part of all, for me, to not allow their anger to activate shame and guilt in me. To not accept the blame they are shifting onto me. To set boundaries for  myself and honor them. To not let them get to me. To stand firm so I don't fall for everything.  

To do this, I have to let myself imagine, what is the worst they can do? This part has been terrifying to the point of crippling for me. My narcissist parents and their narcissist new spouses had this way of inflicting nauseating fear into me, from childhood. They made me believe that the worst they could do was so bad that I shouldn't dare contemplate. Bullying cowards are like that. I was indoctrinated to be afraid, very afraid. 

I have to laugh at this trendy aphorism thingy you read on people's T-shirt's about "Faith Over Fear." AS IF I could ever show no fear. Chance would be fine thing!  All this "courage" would have gotten me was more kicking. And when you grow up being so bullied that you don't dare not be afraid, you're pretty screwed in adulthood. 

But my husband, pointy-headed though he can be, at times, is not a bully. He is a decent, loving person  who struggles with a lot of shame and self-doubt. Which I probably trigger in him, just by being in his life. Not my fault. Not his. Just how it is. So I can actually talk back to the voices in my head and ask what's the worst he would do? Find the cheese for himself? Sure he might be annoyed. But chances are good that it's not me but himself he's annoyed with. 

And he apologizes, mind you LATER, after he realizes he was stupid, AGAIN. But only AFTER I've done the thing he wanted me to do. I am seeing, now, that if I don't do the thing he wants, he will ultimately do it himself, albeit with much bitching, and sooner or later, apologize. So I'm learning that since there will always be bitching, I may as well save myself the hassle of rushing to fix and just let him get on with it. Which has, funnily enough, has been healing for both of us.  

And as for Christmas. What's the worst that can happen if I refuse to do this or that? It doesn't get done or someone else does it. What would happen if I told whomever was asking me about holiday plans, to ask my husband? They would or wouldn't. If they got angry, well, maybe these aren't people I should be having holidays with anyway. Either way, we'd all survive.  What if I said no, you can't go to the store at the last minute leaving me with everything. He'd pick a fight or he'd comply. Or the everything else wouldn't get done. So what if I didn't get mom the gift she wanted. She'd pout but yanno what? She pouts no matter what I get so, she gets nothing. LOL. 

But one thing for sure that will happen is that I will get healthier. Because I will not be at the mercy of someone else's demands. I will begin to feel less FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). I will begin to make choices about what I do and don't do, instead of letting others call the shots for me. If I makes mistakes or get it wrong, so what? Everyone does. And I'll have a much better chance at getting it right, listening to my own inner wisdom rather than someone else's self-serving domineering demands. 

How traumatized kids, particularly daughters, of narcissist parents end up carrying mental load

Hello my friends. I've just recently learned the term "mental load" but I realized I've carried it all my life. Before I knew the term or in fact that there was a term. Before I understood how dangerous it was to carry it alone. And especially that it was NOT a child's responsibility to carry it for the adults called parents in her life. I'm also beginning to see how many of us traumatized kids of narcissist parents end up carrying everyone's load, all through our lives. Particularly the daughters, as we become wives and mothers. 

It all begins with what B.F. Skinner called "operant conditioning." In this model, behaviors are shaped by removal of positive things or punishment (addition of negative) for undesirable acts while good ones are encouraged with positive reinforcement. In healthy families, the desired behaviors are good for children and parents. In families ruled by narcissist parents, the behaviors desired are only good for the parents and are hurtful to the child. Well, good in the sense of self-serving, at the child's expense. Narcissist parents operantly condition their kids to take care of them and NOT to take care of themselves. Self-care, self-advocacy, healthy, normal kid behaviors are punished. 

They groom us from infancy to tend to them as if they were the children and we were the parents. We learn as tiny tots to soothe, smooth over, fix and do for mommy and daddy. We DO NOT learn to do these things for ourselves. It's not just that they change positions with us. They steal our selves from us. We are both child and parent. Child, when they get things for having us in that role. Parent for everything else. From childhood we act in loco parentis. Before we even know how, we are carrying what is rightfully their mental load as well as our own. We perform their duties, worry about things they should be concerned about and deal with all the things they don't want to. We cover for their irresponsible, immature, even unethical and immoral behavior. They guilt, shame and coerce us into feelings of obligation to them far beyond our years and well past anything we truly owe them. 

In adulthood (or what passes for adulthood in children of narcissists) we just continue these patterns. We care for everyone, adult and child. We stress over things that aren't our worry. We feel responsible to and for everyone in our sphere. We're the ones setting and getting up with alarms while the adults sleep through them. We're the ones whose sleep is disturbed by trauma and stress nightmares, while our traumatizing, stress-causing parents sleep blissfully. We get everyone to church on time, remember the birthday present for the classmate's party, bake the cookies for the Boy Scout troop and make sure there's toilet paper. We ignore our own pain so we can listen to and shoulder someone else's (someone who never, by the way, listens to ours in return). 

Our narcissist parents bread crumb us, stringing us along with tiny scraps that barely sustain. And they are fake and self-serving, at that. They generously give their 15-year-old daughter a race car set as her only Christmas gift only so she'll have to entertain their younger sons with it. If our self-centered parents deign to include us, or happen to say a not terrible thing, we bubble over, effusively pouring ourselves out for them, to feed their narcissistic supply. If they confide in us, no matter how icky or inappropriate the confidence (like my mother dumping her sex life stories on me), we rejoice that they've counted us worthy to share. We're grateful for the opportunity to "lighten poor dad's load." As they've taught us is our responsibility (it's not). And yet when we need them, for appropriate kid things, it's crickets from them. Or shame for being "so selfish." 

We get so used to no reciprocity of good, that if it happens, it feels like a feast. It's not. It's picking shit with the chickens. Meanwhile we're expected to "see to it" things get done that the adults are supposed to see to. We don't have the faintest idea how to do many of the things they demand. Like co-sleeping with babies so parents can "get their sleep." A 10 y/o has no idea how to navigate a crying child. So she just worries herself sick. Lays awake waiting, checks for breathing, trauma nightmares from disturbed sleep. While the child's parents snooze on and never even ask how she slept. They know. Like shit. 

We delve into their interests as if they were our own. We take on their beliefs and echo their opinions. We dutifully attend their rants, even if it is causing us ulcer flare-ups. We get used to them shooting down our ideas if they happen to deviate in any way. We feel massive shame for even thinking differently. Even if we're bloody well thinking and saying the same damn thing! Just not in the way the narcissist insists we must say it. Sometimes they lure us into sharing our ideas just so they can humiliate and mock us. They rage bait us into angered defense of them, over lies they tell just to engage our sympathies. 

We ignore and talk down our own ideas and pretty soon forget we ever had any. We support, encourage and fund their hobbies at our own expense.  We listen to them drone on about whatever their pet thing is. We accept their insults about how they're "not interested" in what we are and how "it's boring." (It took me till 61 to realize that my interests were no more boring than my dad's. We bow in humiliation when they shame us for our passions. We let them tell us that this is or that thing we like is "of the devil." We let them make us feel awful about things we're good at, by telling us we're just showing off. I still cannot hear that I have a pretty singing voice (and I hear it a lot) without hearing my dad telling me I'm attention seeking or "fishing for compliments." He, who took his violin everywhere, expecting to be asked to play. And then playing, as I now see it, VERY showy-offy. I was always proud of his talents while he taught me to be ashamed of mine. 

I once let a homeschool mom shame me for wanting my daughter to perform a ballet piece at the talent fair. That I was organizing and she was just using to grandstand (it was so awkward, more on that story later). She, who did nothing to help with the work, patronizingly instructed me (as if I was a child) that "you see, Marilisa, dance is evil because it shows the body." When I brought up her daughters bouncing around the court playing basketball, she said "that's different because they do it for God." (!) (?) Thanks Dad, for that toxic shame you planted in me, that made me keep quiet and not tell her just what I thought of her and her idiotic double standard hypocrisy. And that we would be taking our talents and massive time spent organizing the event, elsewhere. 

And then begins phase 2 of operant conditioning. We are so used to being and doing for everyone that we set up expectations in others by being too reliable. We absorb all their expectations and teach them to demand from us. We reward their arrogant demanding by doing all they demand of us. Even though they never do for us even the humblest things we ask. We never let anyone down (except ourselves) even people who routinely let us down. And by doing this we operantly condition them to demand too much of us and too little from themselves. We don't take care of ourselves when bullies like the homeschool mom, insult us. We peace keep when there's no peace to be kept. We auto-gaslight ourselves that things are our responsibility that aren't. That we have no choices. That whenever anyone tells us to do something we have to comply. We teach people to boss us around and walk on us. 

And pretty soon the entire mental load is on our shoulders and we're crumbling under it. We have to come up with answers, suggestions and solutions for problems we didn't cause. Everyone texts us to get info on stuff we have no authority over and then blames us when we can't magically make it happen. We let ourselves be made the middle woman, Shell Answer Lady, complaints and fix-it department, social events coordinator, inventory monitor, on and on. 

We defer to everyone and make excuses for them. Even though we're expected to plan something, we don't dare actually express a preference. Or do something without "running it by" someone else. Raise your hand if you've been in the invidious position of having to make something happen single-handedly, while still asking for input and THEN fielding complaints about the very thing you were left to plan alone?? They don't to do the work, just the bitching about it. 

The most bewildering, destabilizing and poisonous form of narcissist parent abuse, part 2

Hello my friends. Yesterday I wrote about the most baffling and cunning form of narcissist parent abuse. Which to me, is the betrayal. I then explained how this betrayal makes me feel: perpetually confused, nervous and fearful. Rereading, I see that I went on to describe the confusion this caused more than the actual forms this abusive betrayal takes.  So today, I'll discuss how malignant narcissist parents betray their children and how this is the most bewildering, destabilizing and poisonous form of narcissist parent abuse. 

Exploitation of parent role.  Parents care for their kids. The words are almost synonymous: parent=nurturing. Everyone knows this, including narcissists. They take advantage of their role as parents and the expectations that come with it. They know that parents are supposed to care for their children. But narcissist parents care only for themselves. They take, they don't give. But because hurting children is so alien to the concept of parent, narcissists are able to hide their abuse behind their understood role of caregiver. You'd be surprised at how many people are misled by these folks into thinking that because they hold the title of parent they must be doing the work. Narcissist are no more parents to their children than a person wearing a bear mask is a bear. So often, us poor children of narcissists are gaslit, not only by our parents but by society which tells us, "well she IS your mother. He IS your dad." No actually they're not. It's a fake ID. They wear the badge of parent only to get things FROM the child (loyalty, love, respect, caregiving, support, a scapegoat, a shield), most of which are not the child's job to provide. Some are even dangerous to the child to give. Meanwhile the parent deprives and denies the child basic things that actually ARE their responsibility to give and which the child needs to survive. I think this might be the most insidious form of narcissist parent betrayal.  

Double dealing parent-child role reversal (parentification) As narcissistic parents ditch their responsibilities to their children, they also twist the relationship again, teaching the child that she is actually responsible TO and FOR them. They groom her to think she owes them all kinds of weird inappropriate "duties" that they have preordained and which are completely out of line in normal parent-child relationships. And which they were never obligated to perform as children (at least in my parents lives). They had relatively normal childhoods while mine couldn't be any more odd. And then, as if it could get any worse, malignant narcissist parents twist again by infantilizing the child, shaming her for normal child behavior and exaggerating any mistake into a capital crime. Behavior, might I add, that they ROUTINELY ENGAGE IN as ADULTS!! So childish acts are fine for grownups but not for the actual child, the actual child learns. Children abused like this by malignant narcissist parents would not know normal childhood if it bit them in the butt. 

Purposely harming child. Narcissist parents play on their role as parents for their own selfish ends. It may or may not hurt the child. Malignant narcissist parents ALWAYS must hurt the child with their selfish behavior. They aren't satisfied with just getting their way. It HAS to come at the child's expense. And they go out of their way to hurt, when it would be easier not to. My mother purposely cheated me on a junk car which she suckered me into buying from her. And then triangulated and lied that my husband said she could have my good car. She told him the same things about me.  She knew perfectly well it was a lemon when they bought it. They didn't even want it and flipped the title selling it to me. Which I was fined for. Comparing notes, my husband and I see now that her sole purpose was steal my car and stick me and her grandkids with a dangerous one.  Again, a lot of people miss this abuse because what kind of parent does that?? It goes against all that parenting stands for. 

Sadistically scoring off the child. In the case with my mother,  it wasn't enough for her to rob me. She literally had to make me bleed to feel good. This is the cruel, sadistic part of malignant, sociopathic narcissist parents. They enjoy their child's pain. They get off on it. They set the child up to fall by denying basic necessities which strip resources and leave her vulnerable. They orchestrate scenarios to humiliate the child. They TAKE OTHER PEOPLE'S PART AGAINST THEIR OWN CHILD. They believe spiteful lies about her and perpetuate them. I can still feel the sucker punch, the nausea, the sharp pain and windedness from these ambushes. Which is of course, completely contrary to loving parents who treasure and uplift their child, not beat them down. They rejoice at their in their children. They aren't jealous of and constantly seeking to sabotage them. But again, the narcissist parent plays on this to gaslight the child that she's imagining it or too sensitive. If I had a dollar for every time I hear that...

Violating parent-child trust relationship and then doubling back on the child. This one is so bizarre. My malignant narcissist parents broke faith with me repeatedly. Actually they never were trustworthy at all. They willfully abandoned and endangered me. They left me with unsafe, predatory people. My mom and her boyfriend would jeer at me for my trauma responses that THEY had created. My dad and his wife would shame me for trying too hard to please and then rail at me for failing to please them.  And yet I trusted in them, because that's what kids do in normal relationships. And THEN they confiding highly inappropriate things in me: my mother shared intimate details of her sex life and my dad frequently told me, beginning at 5, how he was planning to commit suicide. I was their toxic waste dump. 

Breaking confidence So good parents know that secret keeping is unhealthy when it's a child keeping an adults secrets. But they also teach the child that it's perfectly alright to keep some things private and that adults have a duty to respect that privacy. If they do have to share secrets they explain why and they only tell people who can help, like a doctor. Narcissist parents tell a child's secrets, not to help them, but for personal gain. They backstab, invent lies and spread malicious gossip about their children, especially the scapegoat, for attention and because they enjoy the discomfort it causes the child. And again, they weaponize the parent role to gaslight the child. Because what kind of parent does that? No one will believe you, they say. You're just framing me. (DARVO). Well come to find out after 61 years of believing such nonsense, these nasty behaviors are EXACTLY what a narcissist parent does. It's as if they read from the  manual. 

Self-serving "snooping" Not only does the narcissist parent break confidences, she actively goes looking for private details. Diary reading, eavesdropping, going through a child's possessions looking for somethings to steal or manipulate. I caught my mother going through my purse several times. She doesn't do this to help the child but to hurt her and thereby help herself. Yes you read that correctly. Malignant narcissist parents get ahead by walking on their kids. They only "win" if someone else loses. 

Faking concern. This might be the most insidious form of weaponized parenting. Normal parents care about their children. When the child shares something, a good parent tries to help. With narcissist parents, it's completely the opposite. They mimic caring words but have no genuine concern. They only do this to elicit confidences from the child which they then exploit for their own use. They gather,  compile and store data to retrieve when they need it. They use it to blackmail, extort and coerce the child at their convenience. 

Giving a little, expecting a lot.  Piggy-backing on the feigned concern is weaponized giving narcissist parents do. They do not  do for the child because they're parents and that's what parents. They they tally these things up and then present the child with a bill, in form of ridiculous expectations and with usurious interest.  Narcissist parents have a very skewed bookkeeping system with heavy entries in the child's debt column and nil in the credits. They groom the child to believe that they owe her nothing while she owes them everything. However they don't outright tell the child that payment will be required for the things they provide. Which never amount to anything like what the child should just get because she is their child. The child did not know that she was entering into any transaction or that she should get anything from it. 

Company store conditions. I learned too late never to accept anything a narcissist has to give as it will come with invisible price tags. Gifts come back to bite. Living with these people is like working for a place with a company store in which all items must be purchased at unaffordable prices. You end up paying all your wages and the debt just rises. Because narcissist parents believe their children owe them not only their service but their lives and soul. 

These random acts of cruelty are just part of the nightmare of narcissist parents. For me, they were probably the most bewildering, destabilizing and poisonous. 

The most bewildering, exhausting and malignant form narcissist parent abuse

 Hi friends. I'm absolutely exhausted, physically and emotionally. I hurt everywhere. My back, hands, neck, shoulders, hips and feet ache. My mind aches. I spend a great deal of time in that rundown, uncomfortable state. I haven't had a super busy day. My nights are actually busier with the endless trauma nightmares. But just moving takes more energy than I have. I've been unable to keep my eyes open since about 5 pm. And this is just one component of CPTSD from narcissist parent abuse. Decades of dealing with it have worn me down. 

And do you want to know the most pernicious, bewildering, malignant and draining form of narcissist parent abuse? Among the many ways they hurt us, the betrayal is the worst. The set-ups, sucker punches, backstabbing, spiteful digs, unexpected ambushes and sneak attacks. They way they purposely behave toward us in hateful passive-aggressive, nasty ways, to corrode our sense of self and erode any confidence we may have is just mind-boggling. I would say that confusion, with its concomitant fear and anxiety, might be the most prevalent feeling. 

Malignant narcissist parents don't just inadvertently confuse their children. They go out of their way to. My four narcissist parents (two bio and two step) put me in needlessly chaotic situations on a regular basis. They left me with strangers not saying where they were going or when they would be back. They quit jobs on a whim without making financial provisions. They brought in a succession of new people into my life as parents and siblings. They moved very frequently and uprooting me. I've lived or stayed in 42 different places, 39 of which in the first 22 years of my life prior to marriage. At least 8 were squatting situations in which we lived with other people. I attended eight different schools. I come home from school only to be told to pack because we're moving. Or that I was being moved in with this or that family member. 

I was the only child of my parents and the only one that experienced this chaos. Their new families had consistency. I was just sort of an after thought. Except not even that, because I was very much expected to care for all these people as well. They only remembered I was there when they wanted something. and they demanded a lot. As if I was the adult and parent, not the child. And they were the selfish, willful, immature kids. I've spent a lot of time giving from resources I don't have. My parents made choices based on their new families' needs, never on mine. As my husband said I was shoved from pillar to post and then back to pillar. I never had a regular source of basic necessities like food, shelter, a bed or medical care. I had few possessions and those I had seemed to disappear without warning. 

This deprivation was not normal for the time nor places I lived. No one in my social or family group lived with anything like this. My PARENTS didn't do without. All four had plenty of nice things, food to eat, clothing, medical care, even hobbies. I always believed them when they said "we're poor." So I would do without, thinking that was helping "the family." It took me 50  years to realized the family had plenty of money, just not for me. Which made it even more impossible to explain. You just don't expect one kid to be singled out like this. This kicking to the curb, happens a lot unfortunately, in "blended" families to only child of first marriages. I don't really care for that word because so often they aren't blended and there's a lot of exclusion, favoritism and scapegoating. 

Even loving extended family misses it, sometimes. I never do. I can spot an excluded neglected "step kid" a mile away. Now. It's taken me a lifetime to see its effects in me. But looking back, I can see them now. They include:

Non-existent self-care skills. I remember, starting around 10, being invited places and never knowing to pack a suitcase because I didn't have a suitcase to pack. I wasn't used to being provided for. I only knew that if I needed something as simple as sunscreen, Midol for periods, sanitary pads, winter boots and gloves. I had to provide it for myself. And my part time job during school didn't cover those so I went without. I remember getting hives at a slumber party because my mom hadn't bothered to wash the new PJs I got for Christmas. Then she was off and a date and the girl's mother couldn't locate her so she could come and get me. That girl's mom was more concerned for me than my mom who was only concerned about being with her current boyfriend. And who knew where my dad was. 

Having to do for yourself too young and not knowing how. This is part of the confusion I spoke of. No parent helped me through any situation I encountered, as I recall. It wouldn't have occurred to me to ask, even the simplest of things all kids ask their parents for. Or don't even need to because the parent is involved. I, on the other hand, was taught that my only concern should be for my (their) family. Of which I wasn't even a part. I was just "allowed" to live with them as if parenting me was an option. 

Only knowing people pleasing and caring for others. Funnily enough, I knew very what other people needed. I've lived under a weight of obligation and expectation. I've known how to change a diaper since I was 9. I was potty training my mom's foster kids and cleaning up their accidents around age 10. I was rocking the babies to sleep. I've cooked, cleaned, bathed their kids, babysat, co-slept with their kids, washed dishes, ironed, vacuumed, dusted, mopped (on hands and knees) their things since around that age too. There wasn't much they had to do for themselves. And they did nothing for me. I was given cast offs including a pillow with a needle in it. No joke. I slept on an unheated porch through a Michigan winter because my welfare dependent mother bought her deadbeat husband a hobby farm with my child support and it wasn't big enough to house her children. 

Being easily taken advantage of. And on that note, back to the confusion. You don't know unless someone tells you, that this isn't childhood, it's child exploitation. And endangerment. Now years later, I trauma dream and have all kinds of chronic pain issues from sleeping cramped up on a cot in the baby's room. Or from doing mountains of  ironing. And having to scale snowbanks to take frozen diapers off the line in winter. None of this my stepmother did for herself or her children. Why would she when she had me to order around? 

Disabled. I started with early onset arthritis around age 21, from overwork and neglected follow up care of congenital hip dysplasia. Instead of taking me for check ups after being braced, they dragged me to Alaska and made me sleep on the floor. They didn't even see to it I was safe and left me to wander downtown in unfamiliar places. They didn't get treatment for my ongoing strep throat and it went septic. They didn't have my eyes checked till I was almost blind. I got frequent headaches from an untreated broken cheekbone and concussion. 

Destabilized and inept. As if adolescence isn't hard enough, having to care for four narcissist parents and their children made it hell on earth. I didn't know that what I was feeling was misery, shame, humiliation and guilt, but I do now. It shows in my pictures. That confusion, born of neglect and abuse, comes from not understanding why these people who call themselves your parents seem so angry with you all the time. When you are doing all their work? And why your life looks so different than everyone else's. You just never seem to get it right and your parents are the first to remind you of that. They nitpick and criticize everything. Pleasing them, an impossible task, becomes your only agenda. 

Too tired to think clearly. The confusion makes you tired. The deprivation drains you. The constant demands and tapping out of your resources makes it hard to process situations. I used to say I had dyslexia because I've had so much trouble just remembering  basic things or keeping things straight. My parents used to joke that I was "forgetful" and clumsy. Humph. I wish I could forget what they did to me. And I wasn't clumsy, I was bent and twisted from too much manual labor too young.  And my vision was shot to hell through lack of proper vision care. 

But I'm not confused anymore. I know what happened, that it did happen and why. Malignant narcissist parents purposely deprive you to keep you weak, to break down your resistance. They retard you, lie to you and gaslight you, to keep you bewildered. They render you useless for anything but service. Just trying to get a few minutes between chores which no one else has, to do your homework is almost impossible. Because they want you to fail at school so you'll never amount to anything and have to stay and care for them. They make you think you're a failure at relationships. They pot stir to break up your relationships. They set you up. They spread rumors and start smear campaigns. They flirt with your boyfriend to sow seeds of discontent. They lie and say your husband hit on them to triangulate, make you jealous, humiliate you and hopefully cause a divorce because that way they wont' feel so badly about getting one themselves. 

All this is self-serving and goal-oriented. They weaken your resistance, and damage your brain so you think you're dependent on them. They think you'll come crawling back, weak and exhausted and they'll have you where they want you. Just saying, I'd live on the street before I'd ever go back to them. That is not coming home. There never was a home. It's just re-upping for another tour of duty with them. 

One way out of this fog, is to know that it's not real. They've created it, not just with gaslighting but with gassing you. We aren't weak, or helpless, or dependent on them. Hell, they were never there for us!! They were dependent ON us! They just miss the free stuff we gave. Your parents called. They want their unpaid staff back! 

We are more than enough. We owe no one anything. We gave already, for more than we should have. They took more than we gave. What we need to do with give ourselves what we were deprived of: rest, nourishment, care. Once we have better resources, we'll see their chiaroscuro they've painted us in, for what it is, exaggerated, orchestrated and artificially created for effect. Essentially, all smoke and mirrors. 

Gaslighting holiday games narcissist parents play when you've gone no contact

Hello my friends. Recently I wrote about what inevitably happens to aging narcissist parents. And one biggee is that many people limit or cut contact because they are so toxic. Today in my quest to heal from narcissist parent abuse, I'll discuss gaslighting holiday games they'll play to suck you back in, if you go no contact. Yes I said holiday games. Because they specifically manipulate the holiday season, when people are more vulnerable. 

Gift-giving Gotcha. Beware of narcissists bearing gifts. Like the Trojan Horse, a narcissist's gift will have a double self-serving purpose. And the obvious nice part is nullified by the nasty surprise hidden inside. My mother gave me money for rent saying it was a gift. Later, she changed her tune saying it was a loan. She lied and said I'd agreed which I hadn't but that's gaslighting for you. She demanded not only repayment but also interest. 

Family Word Games. Malignant narcissist parents play fast and loose with the words like family, parents and siblings. They define them as it suits. Your mom's boyfriend is your stepdad but only for the bossing around and taking part, not the giving care. You're supposed to do for them because "we're family." But when they do for you, even as a little child, it's a transaction which you owe for. My dad called his wife my stepmother. She never cared for me but I was expected to wait on her. She, with my dad's approval, said they'd allow me to live with them (like it was optional) but under the condition that I do all kinds of ridiculous, inappropriate and harmful housework. My mom's jobless husband was on board for the free house over which he ruled, funded by my child support and job. Their new kids are your siblings that you are responsible for. Neither they nor your parents are responsible to or for you. 

Financial Flip-Flop Frolics. When narcissist parents give you things, it's a loan or has strings attached. When you give them money it's a gift. And they don't borrow, they demand or steal. Like how my mom stole my college savings from grandparents. Then she continued to pocket my child support to fund her shiny new family while I had to get a job at 15 to buy basic essentials Then they  kicked me out of the house. But any "gift" of money from them always has lots of strings. Like the rent which she twisted Which of course, if I'd known it was a loan, I'd have paid it back sooner so as not to accrue interest. Which is how I know she was scamming. She waited to collect so there would be more interest. 

Christmas present shuffleboard. Nothing is simple or genuine with narcissist parents. Especially at Christmas which seems to bring out the worst in them. It's a big exhausting guessing game. They give only to get. They give you a bunch of junk you don't want or need and didn't ask for. Then pout because you didn't get them what they wanted. They give you a $5 Christmas gift and demand a $100 one from you. Or they brag about the lavish gifts they gave themselves, making sure you see the contrast with yours. 

Ding dong ditch.  So you cut contact with your narcissist parent who has cut contact with you all your life. She doesn't answer your calls or respond to texts unless she want's something. She tells piteous stories about how she can't hear her phone. But hears your sisters' texts a miles. She makes She makes snide remarks about "people always on their phones" and then spends your lunch date on her phone (the phone YOU bought her and are paying for) with your sister. She orders food for "her family" on you dime. She accepts your invitations and then doesn't show up or call. Or she bails at the last minute leaving you in the lurch. Or she comes, eats and then conveniently gets sick at clean up time. She expects you to pay for everything. 

Dealer's Choice. Narcissists can deal crap but they can't take it. When you stop responding to her texts or calls, oh she doesn't like that! How dare you ignore me ignoring you! Or if you get her the same lame joke type gift she gets you, suddenly it's not so funny. Especially if  you  make a point of giving everyone else big gifts in front of her, like she always did to you. I'll be the one doing the humiliating, not you! 

Vengeance is mine saith the narcissist. One of the saddest parts when you finally cut contact with the narcissist parent is that she doesn't seem to notice or care. She notices but she acts like she doesn't because she wants you to feel her contemptuous disdain. She is punishing you for refusing to take her shit anymore. But she also reveals a lot about herself to you. She never cared about you and gets her jollies off making you feel worthless.  

The Long Game. When I cut contact, I didn't make any big announcement. I just stopped responding. So she knew, but being dismissive of anything that doesn't fit her fantasy, pretends not to notice. She'd cut her tongue out before admitting she missed me. Or God forbid did anything to cause me to cut contact. But that doesn't mean she'll go quietly. Oh no, she calls the shots her. She bides her time and keeps her cards close to her chest. But she has a plan, of that I have no doubt. I'll let you have your little hissy fit (which I'm sure she calls it) but just you wait. 

DARVOlympics When my narcissist mother deemed my trial separation had gone on long enough, she sent me the least sincere most gaslighty apology text you can imagine. You know the kind. Not "I'm sorry I did that" but "You never text me anymore. Did I do anything to offend you? So not admitting anything, just fishing for info and mind-reading. And minimizing: She doesn't do anything wrong or if she did it wasn't a big deal. I'm just choosing to be offended (even though she has no idea what it could possibly be) Which if you've read my back posts, you'll know. She knows too. But let's keep focus on the real victim here, which is always mother. 

Hook, Line and Sinker. I never responded to that text either. And apparently she's decided to continue ignoring the herd of elephants over-running the house. Now, she'll randomly sends me fakey, breezy texts as if nothing has happened. But they are only ever about her. I had a car accident, major surgery and Covid and nary a word. But she makes sure I know the progress of her non-existent ailments. Or about some relative of her husband's that neither of us know, who passed (while she blatantly ignored my own father's passing. She almost tricked me into responding to a text asking how our weather was. I was going to tell her how my husband was in a terrible accident. But then I stopped because I realized these are texts of concern. They're data gathering. She'd have probably tried to sell me some crap car they were trying to flip, like she did before. 

The Parent Trap. You have to be very cautious after going no contact with narcissist parents. Because traumatized kids are usually far too empathetic and used to giving their callous, self-centered, entitled parents whatever they want. Your parents know you're vulnerable and weaponize that. So you can cut contact with mom so long as it works for her.  But if she wants anything you'd better give it to her. And you very easily fall back into the trap of doing so because it's all you know. You've never had the luxury of having boundaries, needs, wants, opinions or a self. They stole all of it. Which is why you had to go no contact in the first place. 

Blame-shame game with word salad buffet. My dad and stepmom were masters at it. It's played like this. Daughter is finally able to distance herself from her neglectful, abusive, exploitative parents. She doesn't take revenge, just allows doors they closed to stay closed. She doesn't beg to be let in. And parent DARVO's and blames the CHILD for all the terrible things they did. My stepmother told me I was the the entire problem in their so perfect (heavy sarcasm) family. I who had been beaten by, screamed at, publicly humiliated, enslaved to them was "so angry". I cannot begin to tell you how insanely hypocritical and ridiculous it was. I wish I had at the time but she was good at this DARVO gaslighting game. And that is why you can't engage with them. They are way too skilled and you are way too gentle. You bring flowers to their gun fight. 

Word salad part: they know just what to say to trigger, guilt and antagonize you. They twist their abuse into some kind of quarrel between you. It's not it was only ever ambush on their part. And then say you should make peace. All you've ever done was to keep peace at any price with disagreeable, antagonistic, pot-stirring, rageomaniacs.  Or they'll say "truce?" in this snarky, patronizing way.  To which I've started saying "were we fighting? No one told me." They say "there are two sides to every story" by which I guess they mean there are reasons for abusing a child ?!? And yes there are but yours was the only one we ever heard. 

Religious Shell Game None of my parents that have passed ever admitted to anything. And I'm fairly certain the remaining two will follow that lead. Which is  hilarious because they are self-styled preachers, well, preaching to everyone else but themselves. They are firmly convinced of their own righteousness. You should read my mother's Facebook posts about what hell  holds for everyone but her. It boggles. They don't even attend church. It's just the Gospel according to St. Nancy. If my dad was ever confronted with anything he did, he'd shut it down with "it's covered by the blood." Translation, it's all good with God even though he never confessed anything. But boy, did he withhold mercy me. You see, God's blessing are for them and them only. The rest of us can just burn. 

Last minute epiphany. AKA deathbed confession. BEWARE of this one. My mother once "confessed" to me that she'd thrown a pie in my face. 25 years later. She didn't say she was wrong. I think she just wanted me to feel icky about it, again. And then she blamed me for making her do it (!) And then another time she called me to verify if she'd done something she'd lied over the years about doing. But when I brought up just one of the egregious things she'd done, she couldn't remember KICKING ME OUT OF THE HOUSE AT 16! 

And that's why you should watch out if the narcissist parent wants to unburden. Because that's all it will be. Them dumping. And usually they won't even fess up. They'll ask you to tell them what they did wrong. Which just proves they're aren't sorry. Sorry people soul search. And it's not genuine confession. They just want to know what you remember so they know which lies to tell. And they will then do one of several gaslighting tricks all of which will hurt. They will DARVO or say they forgot. They'll make you do all the work while they dictate terms and adjudicate what they will accept or not. And you'll have to relive all that pain again. And they want to see you suffer again. They aren't trying to help you. They're buying fire insurance. They want absolution without being least bit sorry. 

They will wait till the last possible moment savoring all the juiciness of their sins. And cuz they're old you have to forgive them. Their confession will not be contrite. It will be contrived to get you to confess to something. So they can feel superior. They want validation not reconciliation. Well, God may accept last minute plea bargaining but you don't have to. The best I've got by way of forgiveness is to acknowledge that yup, it happened.