Hello my friends. Recently I wrote about what inevitably happens to aging narcissist parents. And one biggee is that many people limit or cut contact because they are so toxic. Today in my quest to heal from narcissist parent abuse, I'll discuss gaslighting holiday games they'll play to suck you back in, if you go no contact. Yes I said holiday games. Because they specifically manipulate the holiday season, when people are more vulnerable.
Gift-giving Gotcha. Beware of narcissists bearing gifts. Like the Trojan Horse, a narcissist's gift will have a double self-serving purpose. And the obvious nice part is nullified by the nasty surprise hidden inside. My mother gave me money for rent saying it was a gift. Later, she changed her tune saying it was a loan. She lied and said I'd agreed which I hadn't but that's gaslighting for you. She demanded not only repayment but also interest.
Family Word Games. Malignant narcissist parents play fast and loose with the words like family, parents and siblings. They define them as it suits. Your mom's boyfriend is your stepdad but only for the bossing around and taking part, not the giving care. You're supposed to do for them because "we're family." But when they do for you, even as a little child, it's a transaction which you owe for. My dad called his wife my stepmother. She never cared for me but I was expected to wait on her. She, with my dad's approval, said they'd allow me to live with them (like it was optional) but under the condition that I do all kinds of ridiculous, inappropriate and harmful housework. My mom's jobless husband was on board for the free house over which he ruled, funded by my child support and job. Their new kids are your siblings that you are responsible for. Neither they nor your parents are responsible to or for you.
Financial Flip-Flop Frolics. When narcissist parents give you things, it's a loan or has strings attached. When you give them money it's a gift. And they don't borrow, they demand or steal. Like how my mom stole my college savings from grandparents. Then she continued to pocket my child support to fund her shiny new family while I had to get a job at 15 to buy basic essentials Then they kicked me out of the house. But any "gift" of money from them always has lots of strings. Like the rent which she twisted Which of course, if I'd known it was a loan, I'd have paid it back sooner so as not to accrue interest. Which is how I know she was scamming. She waited to collect so there would be more interest.
Christmas present shuffleboard. Nothing is simple or genuine with narcissist parents. Especially at Christmas which seems to bring out the worst in them. It's a big exhausting guessing game. They give only to get. They give you a bunch of junk you don't want or need and didn't ask for. Then pout because you didn't get them what they wanted. They give you a $5 Christmas gift and demand a $100 one from you. Or they brag about the lavish gifts they gave themselves, making sure you see the contrast with yours.
Ding dong ditch. So you cut contact with your narcissist parent who has cut contact with you all your life. She doesn't answer your calls or respond to texts unless she want's something. She tells piteous stories about how she can't hear her phone. But hears your sisters' texts a miles. She makes She makes snide remarks about "people always on their phones" and then spends your lunch date on her phone (the phone YOU bought her and are paying for) with your sister. She orders food for "her family" on you dime. She accepts your invitations and then doesn't show up or call. Or she bails at the last minute leaving you in the lurch. Or she comes, eats and then conveniently gets sick at clean up time. She expects you to pay for everything.
Dealer's Choice. Narcissists can deal crap but they can't take it. When you stop responding to her texts or calls, oh she doesn't like that! How dare you ignore me ignoring you! Or if you get her the same lame joke type gift she gets you, suddenly it's not so funny. Especially if you make a point of giving everyone else big gifts in front of her, like she always did to you. I'll be the one doing the humiliating, not you!
Vengeance is mine saith the narcissist. One of the saddest parts when you finally cut contact with the narcissist parent is that she doesn't seem to notice or care. She notices but she acts like she doesn't because she wants you to feel her contemptuous disdain. She is punishing you for refusing to take her shit anymore. But she also reveals a lot about herself to you. She never cared about you and gets her jollies off making you feel worthless.
The Long Game. When I cut contact, I didn't make any big announcement. I just stopped responding. So she knew, but being dismissive of anything that doesn't fit her fantasy, pretends not to notice. She'd cut her tongue out before admitting she missed me. Or God forbid did anything to cause me to cut contact. But that doesn't mean she'll go quietly. Oh no, she calls the shots her. She bides her time and keeps her cards close to her chest. But she has a plan, of that I have no doubt. I'll let you have your little hissy fit (which I'm sure she calls it) but just you wait.
DARVOlympics When my narcissist mother deemed my trial separation had gone on long enough, she sent me the least sincere most gaslighty apology text you can imagine. You know the kind. Not "I'm sorry I did that" but "You never text me anymore. Did I do anything to offend you? So not admitting anything, just fishing for info and mind-reading. And minimizing: She doesn't do anything wrong or if she did it wasn't a big deal. I'm just choosing to be offended (even though she has no idea what it could possibly be) Which if you've read my back posts, you'll know. She knows too. But let's keep focus on the real victim here, which is always mother.
Hook, Line and Sinker. I never responded to that text either. And apparently she's decided to continue ignoring the herd of elephants over-running the house. Now, she'll randomly sends me fakey, breezy texts as if nothing has happened. But they are only ever about her. I had a car accident, major surgery and Covid and nary a word. But she makes sure I know the progress of her non-existent ailments. Or about some relative of her husband's that neither of us know, who passed (while she blatantly ignored my own father's passing. She almost tricked me into responding to a text asking how our weather was. I was going to tell her how my husband was in a terrible accident. But then I stopped because I realized these are texts of concern. They're data gathering. She'd have probably tried to sell me some crap car they were trying to flip, like she did before.
The Parent Trap. You have to be very cautious after going no contact with narcissist parents. Because traumatized kids are usually far too empathetic and used to giving their callous, self-centered, entitled parents whatever they want. Your parents know you're vulnerable and weaponize that. So you can cut contact with mom so long as it works for her. But if she wants anything you'd better give it to her. And you very easily fall back into the trap of doing so because it's all you know. You've never had the luxury of having boundaries, needs, wants, opinions or a self. They stole all of it. Which is why you had to go no contact in the first place.
Blame-shame game with word salad buffet. My dad and stepmom were masters at it. It's played like this. Daughter is finally able to distance herself from her neglectful, abusive, exploitative parents. She doesn't take revenge, just allows doors they closed to stay closed. She doesn't beg to be let in. And parent DARVO's and blames the CHILD for all the terrible things they did. My stepmother told me I was the the entire problem in their so perfect (heavy sarcasm) family. I who had been beaten by, screamed at, publicly humiliated, enslaved to them was "so angry". I cannot begin to tell you how insanely hypocritical and ridiculous it was. I wish I had at the time but she was good at this DARVO gaslighting game. And that is why you can't engage with them. They are way too skilled and you are way too gentle. You bring flowers to their gun fight.
Word salad part: they know just what to say to trigger, guilt and antagonize you. They twist their abuse into some kind of quarrel between you. It's not it was only ever ambush on their part. And then say you should make peace. All you've ever done was to keep peace at any price with disagreeable, antagonistic, pot-stirring, rageomaniacs. Or they'll say "truce?" in this snarky, patronizing way. To which I've started saying "were we fighting? No one told me." They say "there are two sides to every story" by which I guess they mean there are reasons for abusing a child ?!? And yes there are but yours was the only one we ever heard.
Religious Shell Game None of my parents that have passed ever admitted to anything. And I'm fairly certain the remaining two will follow that lead. Which is hilarious because they are self-styled preachers, well, preaching to everyone else but themselves. They are firmly convinced of their own righteousness. You should read my mother's Facebook posts about what hell holds for everyone but her. It boggles. They don't even attend church. It's just the Gospel according to St. Nancy. If my dad was ever confronted with anything he did, he'd shut it down with "it's covered by the blood." Translation, it's all good with God even though he never confessed anything. But boy, did he withhold mercy me. You see, God's blessing are for them and them only. The rest of us can just burn.
Last minute epiphany. AKA deathbed confession. BEWARE of this one. My mother once "confessed" to me that she'd thrown a pie in my face. 25 years later. She didn't say she was wrong. I think she just wanted me to feel icky about it, again. And then she blamed me for making her do it (!) And then another time she called me to verify if she'd done something she'd lied over the years about doing. But when I brought up just one of the egregious things she'd done, she couldn't remember KICKING ME OUT OF THE HOUSE AT 16!
And that's why you should watch out if the narcissist parent wants to unburden. Because that's all it will be. Them dumping. And usually they won't even fess up. They'll ask you to tell them what they did wrong. Which just proves they're aren't sorry. Sorry people soul search. And it's not genuine confession. They just want to know what you remember so they know which lies to tell. And they will then do one of several gaslighting tricks all of which will hurt. They will DARVO or say they forgot. They'll make you do all the work while they dictate terms and adjudicate what they will accept or not. And you'll have to relive all that pain again. And they want to see you suffer again. They aren't trying to help you. They're buying fire insurance. They want absolution without being least bit sorry.
They will wait till the last possible moment savoring all the juiciness of their sins. And cuz they're old you have to forgive them. Their confession will not be contrite. It will be contrived to get you to confess to something. So they can feel superior. They want validation not reconciliation. Well, God may accept last minute plea bargaining but you don't have to. The best I've got by way of forgiveness is to acknowledge that yup, it happened.
