Thursday, March 14, 2024

How I'm healing from narcissistic abuse by exploring scapegoating


Hello friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass surgery or weight loss drugs. If you follow this blog, you know that  I've been issuing a series of weight loss challenges and this month it's March Madness. But as this month is unfolding, I'm realizing that it's more March Un-Madness or Stop the Madness. Because a lot of what I'm dealing with is addressing, or heck, just admitting, the CPTSD and PTSD madness created by systematic narcissistic from both parents and both step-parents. And as this is stream of consciousness blog, so to speak, what I deal with, you deal with. 

If you came to this blog to find out how I lost 100 pounds, you might be surprised to learn how much weight gain, obesity, etc., has to do with emotional issues. I certainly was. But the more I learn about CPTSD and narcissistic abuse, the more physical health issues I discover those two create. Currently, I'm listening to Youtuber Richard Grannon and he discussed links to sleep apnea, weight gain, out-of-nowhere allergies and immune system disorders, things I've struggled with. 

So that's why I discuss things that may seem unrelated to weight loss. Because part of how I lost 100 pounds was to look at these issues. Actually, the weight loss was just the tip of the iceberg and maybe even the least important way that I'm getting healthier. I'm seeing that often we get the wrong end of the stick. Or at least we only get part of it. Weight loss itself isn't the be-all-end-all. Because it always stems from some deeper emotional issue that needs to attention, too. Does the order of operations matter? Does it matter that I worked on weight loss first and am only now working on the emotional bit? I don't think so. Whether you walk, ride or drive to a destination, you still get there eventually. 

Why do I feel the need to defend why I'm talking about these things? That is part of the narcissistic abuse trauma. I always had to explain myself, in triplicate, why did or didn't do something. And the answer I gave was never good enough. I was tried, found guilty and "executed" before I even did a thing. And I know now that this was (and still is) because I was the scapegoat. A term which means, sacrificial animal. I've said before that I was sacrificed on the altar (pun intended) of marital bliss of both parents in their new relationships. 

If there was a job needed doing, it was mine to do. When someone was upset, hey, "maybe Mary could (insert thing I was supposed to do to make said person happy)" to quote my dad. Never mind how unhappy (tired, sick, hurt) it made me. My step-ma was notorious for weaponizing her "back problems" (I put them in quotes because what I realize now is that what she had was morbid obesity and chronic laziness). So I did all the vacuuming, mopping (hands and knees) and ironing. I had legitimate back problems not due to being overweight but from scoliosis and congenital hip dysplasia. But no one cared about that. 

When one of the big 4 was angry, I was the target. When my siblings did something wrong, I was blamed. When there was a difference of opinion, mine was shamed and theirs was supported. All their combined personal culpability was placed on the scapegoat, me. In their view, I caused their fights. I didn't act like a "family member." I disobeyed. I talked back. I was in the way. They gave their new spouses carte blanche to use and abuse me. When my step-father mocked me and teased me for my breast size, my mother laughed along. 

But no matter how many sins they heaped on scapegoat moi, it was never enough. They still felt guilty and miserable. They still disliked each other. Their children grew up for the most part very irresponsible. These are just logical consequences. And it's also how I  know that it was narcissistic abuse and not good parenting as they gaslit me into thinking. The fact that it all went so horribly wrong. The fact that pour as we might, the black hole never filled up. Two of them have passed, never  realizing or admitting that it was their job to fix themselves, not mine. The other two will probably go the same way. And that's another reason I know it's narcissistic abuse. Their complete lack of responsibility or recognition that it was wrong.  

Why do I need constant reminding that it was abusive? That's the contradictory nature of such abuse. You begin to gaslight yourself and question every. single. thing. you. do. say. feel. believe. I grew up thinking that this was okay. I knew it wasn't okay for others. I did and would never do this to someone else. This created a cognitive dissonance in me for the last 59 years. 

But my 60th birthday present to myself is to get quit of it. And I'm doing that by accepting that I was the scapegoat. That the past is never going to be any different than it was. That they didn't love me or have my best intentions at heart. That when they said they did, it was just so much more narcissistic abuse. 

And the best gift of all? The piece de resistance? I am saying that it was wrong and that I won't allow it to be done to me again. Whatever that needs to look like, be it no contact or refusing or saying no. I will not associate with people who hurt me. I am responsible for me and NO ONE ELSE. (louder of those in the back). NEVER AGAIN. 

So this is how I lost 100 pounds. By detoxing toxic shame and fumigating the gaslighting and doing me and no one else. By becoming a little self-centered myself. So where does this leave me? Even as I write this, the spider's eggs that were planted in my brain are hatching. And their busy yelling at me that I should do thus and such to help my remaining parent and step-parent. That I need to reach out and confront them so that they can heal and get absolution, get ready for heaven, yada yada. (please note: it's still all about them.)  

Tomorrow I'll blog about why I'm not going to do that and why forgiveness is a bad idea. 

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