Childhood trauma recovery: family estrangement and going no contact with narcissistically abusive parents

Hello my friends. Today in my childhood trauma recovery from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm sharing a heart-breaking fact. There are no prizes for going no contact with abusers OR for continuing to endure narcissistic abuse. There are no winners and most of the trauma our abusive parents implanted will never be healed. And that's pretty bleak. But there is a kind of winning which I'll get to later. 

The deserted desert island of isolation

Nobody gets childhood trauma like a victim of it. Family, religion, friends, psychology, society at large, has pretty much nothing but victim-shaming and gaslighting invalidation for us. Bullying parents abandoned us to the pain and damage they caused. They isolated us and cut us off from help. We were alone on a deserted desert island then and we still are. Just remember that if you choose to go no contact. They cut ties with you first by hurting you and then leaving you defenseless. My parents left me behind, didn't keep me safe and then illegally kicked me out at 16. Estranging from them now is just accepting that they slammed the door on me and not keeping my foot in to get it slammed again. Sadly trauma bonding and betrayal blindness kept me from seeing clearly till 61. 

Nobody gets buy-in on your recovery choices

As if  narcissistic parent abuse wasn't bad enough when it was happening,  the repercussions in adulthood magnify the problems in trauma responses like hypervigilance, people pleasing and fawning. And our abusive parents are quick to jump in with their DARVO gaslighting about how we're too sensitive and over-reacting.  Then to add insult to injury, our suffering is minimized and toxic-splained by blind guides who didn't go through it. And the cherry on top is when these enablers and flying monkeys take our abuser's part against us. Victim-shaming is so frustratingly common it's no wonder we struggle so! But anyone who wasn't there for us then, doesn't get a say now. No one gets an opinion on your experiences unless they've consistently shown up and supported you. And even then, holding space is much more effective than shooting your mouth off. 

Time to redress the imbalance

Another sucky part of childhood trauma recovery is that all the work of it falls to the injured party. It's like we're constantly being blindsided and we're the only ones hurt and paying all damages.  Our narcissistic parents waltz off scot-free. Because again, society, religion, psychology, family and friends insist that we have to "fix ourselves" and not worry about them. They tell us to:

• Rise above.
• Be the bigger person. 
• It doesn't matter who caused it, we have to fix it. 
• Forgive and forget. 
• Let it go. Move on and get over it.  
• Stay calm. Love them. 
• Try to see their side of things. 
• Make peace with them. 

This are all very unsafe things to do with narcissists. 

• Rising above will only get you cut down. 
• Being the bigger person eggs on narcissistic rage. Because they make it their mission to demean people who show them up as petty little bullies.  
• And context matters! They started the problems by being arrogant, hurtful and cruel to us. Fixing what they broke will only entitle them to damage more. 
• Same with forgiveness. The persecutor isn't sorry and has every intention of continuing the abuse. So you forgiving is the definition of insanity, doing what you've always done and expecting a different result. 
• And I'd love to let it go, move on and get over it. Problem is, it won't let me go! I trauma nightmare every night. And this isn't just in the past. So long as we stay connected, narcissists find new ways to hurt us. 
• They will take narcissistic injury if you stay calm because it shows up their dysregulation. They'll do everything their power to dysregulate you so no one will see they're the unhinged ones. 
• You can never make or even keep peace with antagonistic people, especially passive-aggressive and covert narcissists.  They undermine and sabotage every attempt at peace. 

So it's time we re-center the imbalanced care ratio that enmeshed parents threw out of whack. They made it all about them, with FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). They said they owed us nothing and we owed them everything. We scapegoats were servants, surrogate parents and spouses and parentified possessions. Self-care was selfish, they said. Well now it's time to whack that false narrative back into  perspective. It's time to do whatever we need to do to get healthier and if that means cutting ties with toxic people, so be it. 

Should I stay or Should I go? 

So we come to the question, to go or not to go no contact with abusers. If and when the scales fall from your eyes and you see their abuse for what it is, you then have a big decision to make. I know, again, it sucks that the work always falls to the victim. But since we can't trust them to have our best interests, we have to go it alone (I don't recommend family therapy with narcissists, just saying) So there are three options along with questions to ask yourself.  

• Ignore the abuse and try to make it work. 
• Has ignoring, forgiving, being the bigger person worked before? 
• Or was it a "do what you've always done, get what you've always gotten?" 
• Have they taken advantage of you?
• Do you feel seen or like a tool they use the get their way?
• Have you just soothed them at your own expense?
• Has the narcissist gotten better or worse with time?
• Have they tried to apologize or just made excuses and denied responsibility?
• Has their abuse escalated?
• Do you feel better or taken advantage of? (don't just trauma respond, really ask yourself)
• Stay but at arm's length. Use grey rock and detachment and set boundaries. 
• Can you actually do this or will it just turn into more humoring and placating them?
• Is grey-rocking sustainable? (People who've tried it generally say it's not with chronically narcissistic parents.)
• Will they respect or push any boundaries you set? (which is why you had to set them in the first place). 
• Can you maintain this "emotional distance" relationship?
• Is it really a relationship if you have to walk on eggshells? (which is what this amounts to).
• Is this relationship worth it?
• Go no contact. 
• What will be the consequences? (Post-separation abuse, losing other relationships by default)
• Will there be collateral damage? (kids, grandkids, loss of inheritance)
• Will others suffer or actually be helped by you cutting ties? In my case, going no contact with my narcissistic stepparents and parents when they kicked me out, would have been so much better for everyone, including my husband and kids. 

Whatever you decide, don't make a big announcement. They'll just weaponize it to humiliate and shame you. Just quietly do it. 

More enabler nonsense to ignore

• You can't cut them out. They're your parents. I actually can. They never cared for me. I was just useful, like a broom. So this broom is going to fly away. 
• That's too extreme, just set boundaries with them. *shakes head* You mean like the ones set previously which they just ignored and trampled? I wouldn't need to set boundaries if they respected me in the first place. But since they don't. it will just be an invitation for more hurt. And anyone who would say this clearly knows nothing of your situation or they'd know this.
• You'll miss them. You can't miss what you never had. And you for sure won't miss the pain they caused. What you probably will feel is some grief and anger that they didn't love you as they should. That's reasonable. And it gets easier in time. 
• You should just forgive. If by that you mean accept  that the past will never be any different, been there, and doing that. If you mean roll over for more abuse, no thank you.  
• You'll regret it. If parents' behavior was bad enough to warrant the child cutting ties with them, I doubt it. What I feel is a huge burden lifted. 
• Have you tried telling them how you feel? Why would I need to tell a parent that abusing, neglecting, exploiting, abandoning, endangering, humiliating, letting your boyfriend or girlfriend do these things too, is wrong? They know how I feel and that's why they do it, to make me feel bad, duh. 
• There are two sides to every story. Yep, the right one and the wrong one. 
• What if they say they are sorry? They never have. They've only blame-shifted, lied, twisted facts and gaslit me. If ever they did, it would only be to make themselves feel better not me. And it would still be lies, distortions and evasions and I don't  have that much fabulous to listen to. 
• What if they die? You'll miss them. They will die anyway, it's inevitable. What I will miss is the fact that I never had parents to love me. 

Don't expect empathy but be glad when you find it. 

We know that child abuse of all kinds is much more common than it should be. And yet if an adult child of narcissists cut ties, everyone clutches their pearls in horror. Because as a whole, society is hard on victims while making excuses for perpetrators. Empathy is thin on the ground. And then there are the judgmental, self-righteous hypocrites who love to make up rules for others that they don't follow themselves. You'll be able to spot them because they're the ones saying the nonsense I listed above. There are no loving cups awarded for ditching your family like they ditched you. You'll be called petty, immature, vindictive, yada, yada. But who cares? Because there are no trophies given to victims who stay harnessed to enmeshed parents either.  Society is messed up when it comes to helping children of abusers. 

About that winning I spoke of...

There's a lot that sucks about childhood trauma, having to estrange from parents and do all the recovery work alone. But there is one little Hope Candle and that is that once you see, hear and know, you'll never be able to unsee, unhear, unknow again. Every step forward you make is a win. Every time you banish shame they put on you, the narcissistic fantasy cult takes a hit. Your estrangement may not feel great. And your parents will hate it. But they can also thank you for exposing their evil behavior. I'm serious. Narcissism is deadly. It's selfish, self-serving, immoral, unethical, deceitful, exploitative and debauched. Narcissists are liars, cheats and thieves who blow through relationships like sand blasters. You revealing them to themselves might just be the lifeline to save them if anything can. But that would just be a bonus. It is finally all about you and your right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness!

May you find lasting joy, peace, love and fulfillment. And may all your by and by's be sweet.