Debunking myths on forgiveness in narcissistic abuse and childhood trauma recovery from narcissistic parent abuse

 Hello my friends. Today in  my childhood trauma recovery from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm going to debunk some myths about forgiveness and what place it has in healing. Some of the things I'm going to say may seem to fly in the face of cultural, societal, religious and even psychological wisdom. Nevertheless, it may help you to explore these ideas, as it helped me. 

"You have to forgive." 

No you don't. That's just a gaslighting game narcissists play to keep you trauma bonded and betrayal blind. They twist everything to be your fault or your responsiblity. This is part of their hypocritical double standards and two sets of rules for me and thee. It's the last verse of the Narcissist's Prayer. The "Narcissist's Prayer" by Dayna Craig illustrates the progression of deflection, blame-shifting, DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender) and manipulation used by narcissists when confronted with their harmful behavior. And I added the last line. 

That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that big a deal. And if it was, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it. And if you didn't, you have to forgive me. 

The Bible commands you to forgive. 

Ehh, yes and no. If the narcissistic abuse is frequent and continual, the narcissist clearly isn't sorry and has no intention of changing his behavior. (see my article on why narcissists don't change). And contrition and change are integral to reconciliation. You endlessly forgiving will actually make the narcissistic abuse worse. Because the hallmarks of the dark tetrad of narcissism are arrogance (feeling superior and above the rules) entitlement (feeling owed every good thing with no reciprocity), remorselessness and Machiavellianism (getting what they want at any cost, where the ends justify the means). Forgiveness is just another thing they weaponize to browbeat you. 

And if the Bible does command forgiveness, it goes both ways. They have to forgive you , too. And narcissists never forgive.

Forgiveness is carte blanche with no strings attached.

Nope, no, no. If forgiveness is just issued like a get out of jail free card, then where's the accountability? Where's the incentive to change? Why bother if you can do what you want and get away with it? Narcissistically abusive people rely on your forgiveness to further exploit you. My narcissistic and enmeshed parents used this against me all the time. They never apologized, were never wrong, blamed me for their bad choices AND still insisted I was "unforgiving." Talk about cognitive dissonance. I dispensed everything they demanded like the Broken Vending Machine Child I was. And still they demanded more. You can never give enough to fill a narcissist's bottomless pit of greed. It took me till I was almost 60 to even start to unpick all that was wrong with this. 

God's forgiveness is unconditional. 

No it's not. Forgiveness is transactional. Like trust and respect, it goes both ways and has to be earned. The penitent must meet certain conditions before God can forgive. God set down an if-then contract whereby "IF we confess our sins AND repent (change our ways), THEN he will forgive. He cannot forgive what has not been repented of. AND we are then bound to not only confess to God but to the people we hurt. AND we are called to extend mercy to others, which narcissistic parents never do. They are the most merciless debt collectors ever. I'm pretty sure Jesus had these kinds of people in mind in the parable of the servant who's forgiven a huge debt who then goes out and throttles someone over a few nickels. 

Forgiveness is for good and forever

No it's not. You can lose it. Look what happened to that wicked servant who refused to show mercy. His cancelled debt was then reinstated because he didn't follow through on his end of the deal. This is critical to understand in narcissistic abuse. These arrogant hypocrites EXPECT and demand exoneration. But they are ruthless in extracting every ounce of revenge against others who've done them a narcissistic injury. Not a real injury. Narcissists are the ones who inflict those. Just a blow to the ego. I'm dealing with an extended family situation like this right now. 

Forgiveness means you forget what they did. 

Noooo!! That is just rolling over for more harm. God may be able to forget, but human beings don't  have that luxury. If we forget the endless abuse they put us through, we will keep going back for more. Women in domestic violence MUST hold an image of the abuser's fist making contact with their bodies, so that they can get see exactly what life with this person is like. It's horribly destabilizing. And forgetting would be easier on the victim. But the moment they forget, is the moment they invite more abuse. It won't just possibly escalate it will definitely escalate because abusers see themselves as dominant. Malignant narcissists like to hurt people. 

The only definition of forgiveness that we need to consider is radical acceptance that the past will never be any different that it was. And that I won't slit their tires in vengeance. 

You can't define forgiveness however you want. 

Well, neither should enablers and abusers. Because their version means the victim's complete capitulation and that's not a good thing!! That's what got us into this mess was people pleasing, letting others call the shots, fawning, surrendering my common sense to their vanity and enabling. So yes, I will be defining forgiveness as I see fit. Because think about it, what does forgiveness actually mean? We all have different ideas on it. And letting hypocrites and blind guides define it means they will do what works for them. They will set rules they don't follow themselves. A definition that works for me is radical acceptance that what happened, in all its ugliness, happened just as I remembered it. Forgiveness for me also means that my personal code of ethics won't let me seek revenge. I won't wait in a dark alley and beat him senseless with a tire iron, in repayment for what he did. But that's about as good as it gets.  And I don't promise not to fantasize about it occasionally. 

The Irony of Abuse: The narcissistic abusers expects the victim to be the one to bend, change, take responsibility for HIS actions and wipe the slate clean. He doesn't want change. He sees no need to. It's working for him. He wants things to go back to the way they were because abusing people works for him.

Going no contact is being unforgiving.

I didn't go no contact with  my family. I just stopped holding the door open with my foot so they could slam it on me. I let the door they closed remain closed.  If anyone was unforgiving it was them and for things they'd lied and said I'd done which I hadn't. I don't wish them ill. I just don't want anything to do with them. By staying out of the path of dangerous people, I'm staying safe and obeying Lord's Prayer avoid what leads me to sin of self-abnegation and temptation to seek revenge. 

Forgiveness means no consequences. 

Nope. That was never even promised by God and a mere human could never stop consequences from happening. God doesn't even protect the victims of abuse from suffering consequences of the abuse. The eye still blackens and hurts like hell. If God was going to remove consequences, he'd start there. And we suffer consequences even when we just make mistakes. Even if you are abjectly and humbly sorry for your bad choices (which narcissists will never be), you cannot stop the outcomes your sins set in motion.  But that's a narcissist for you. Expect to have their cake, eat it too and to eat everyone else's cake. 

Feeling consequences are persecution

Narcissists are such snowflakes. They hold everyone accountable to all kinds of crazy self-set standards. They harass and persecute all over the place. But if they get held accountable for things they did to hurt others, they whine and cry like they are innocent victims being persecuted. Consequences aren't punishment and certainly not "harassment" "brutality" etc. They are logical results of bad choices. My dad said I was "too sensitive" when he would beat and rage at me. Then this insensitive (to others) oversensitive (about himself) man  used to moan about how his parents were "too critical" and harassed him  when they suggested he get a job and support his family. 

You OWE forgiveness to people even if they don't deserve it. 

No you don't. First of all, you don't HAVE to forgive anyone. You don't owe anyone anything especially children of narcissistic parents. However, they groomed us in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) to them. While they reneged on their duty of care to us. God may choose to issue forgiveness. But an abused child cannot forgive unrepentant parent persecutors without some change on their part. Then even if they do, it's okay to play it safe. But that won't happen because the nature of their arrogance means they will take advantage of any good thing given them. They believe they are entitled to everything with earning it or paying it back. 

Forgiveness is the main priority.  

Narcissistic abusers want you to think that. But it's not. It's actually pretty far down the priorities list. There are a ton of things that take precedence before forgiveness is even possible. Like safety, security, seeing past the betrayal blindness to the abuse that actually happened. Like seeing to it that others in your care are safe, seen, heard and healing from the abuse they witnessed or experienced.  And I'll take it further and say that forgiveness isn't even on the list. It's a triviality, a nice thought, that doesn't further the cause of healing. Because we so often get order of operations wrong. We put the cart before the horse. We try to run before we've even begun to crawl.  I've got so much work to do to heal from the abuse I experienced. I don't even understand the extent of the damage I experienced and yet the first thing out of the narcissist's and flying monkeys' mouths is about forgiveness they are owed, like the only thing that matters is the narcissist. And there it is.

Perpetrators "rights" matter more than victims. 

That's what the narcissist has conditioned us to believe and sadly, society, the legal system, religion even psychology all back this up. Everywhere you look, narcissists are howling about their rights while those they hurt are getting victim-shamed, blamed and endangered. It's disgusting how we turn a blind eye to or even affirm the "rights" of child molesters, rapists, wife beaters, child abusers, murderers and other perpetrators. Why? because narcissists care only about themselves, what they want. They will lie, deceive, cheat and steal to get it. Is it any wonder they never stop? That's what got everyone in this mess and which necessitated the conversation on forgiveness in the first place. THEIR EGREGIOUSLY BAD BEHAVIOR. 

Forgiveness helps victims. 

Nope. As a matter of fact, the opposite is true.

🚨 Warning: Forgiveness by forgetting and giving more chances, hurts victims more and enables perpetrators to continue abusing with immunity. 🚨

Bullies just take this as their due and also as a free pass to do as they wish. 

You can't heal without forgiveness. 

Said from the perspective of a person who lived for 60 years as a slave under the coercive control of narcissistic parents and betrayal blindness to that,  the opposite is true. It was only when I stopped being a Broken Vending Machine of forgiveness, exoneration, exemption, trust, respect, obedience, service, duty, care and excuses made for the bullies, that I began to heal. Once I saw that they were never sorry and were always going to blame-shift onto me, I could begin to put things in correct perspective and heal my childhood trauma. 

Truths about Bullies and Forgiveness. 

• It doesn't matter to them if you forgive or not, they aren't going to change. 
• They're never sorry. They don't want reconciliation, they want control. 
• For all your forgiveness, they will never forgive you. They will punish you for every good deed you do. 
• They sabotage and violate all good things especially self-care, reconciliation and your trust. 
• They crash boundaries, so setting boundaries with them is a moot point. 
• They are lying, cheating stealing future fakers who break promises like crackers. 
• You do not need to forgive them. You need to do what you need to do to stay safe and heal. 
• It's not about forgiveness. That's just smoke and mirrors. It's about change. And you need radical acceptance that change is not going to happen and they will hurt you again. And again. Because they have too much invested in keeping the status quo. Even if that means they randomly beat you up. THAT is their priority. Doing what they want when they want and woe to you if you try to stop them. 
• Some things, there's no coming back from. Adulterers, spouse or child abuses, should not get multiple chances. They will always go back to the behavior and punish those who reported them. They should get the book thrown at them but they don't. So you staying safe is the only alternative.