Biggest Impacts of childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse

 Hello my friends. Today in my childhood trauma recovery I'm looking at some of the biggest impacts of childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse. This may be triggering but rest assured that I will end by sharing things that have helped me. 

Theft of Birthrights

Narcissistic and enmeshed parents robbed us of our birthright to innocence, childhood, autonomy, healthy development, attachment, peace of mind, joy, self-protection and care, owning our own self. They commandeered what was ours and made us think it belonged to them. They made us think they owned us body, mind, heart and soul. They groomed us by privacy invasions, boundary crashing and trauma bonding to think they had buy-in on our very selves. They constantly monitoring and criticized us for things that weren't their business then failed to protect us and provide things that were their responsibility. 

Rigged Whack-a-Mole Blame-Shame Game

They used the Narcissist's Prayer to gaslight us. They owed us nothing we owed them everything. We were told we were too sensitive, an attention-seeking showoff.  My hypercritical insensitive dad said I was too sensitive and couldn't take criticism when he raged nonsensically at me and quietly approved his shiny new family bullying me. While he was hypocritically oversensitive, calling me too critical of him and his also hypersensitive, bullying wife. Then he flipped the script again, trauma dumping on empath me, about how my grandparents were too critical of him saying he should get a job and support his family. It is an endless game of Whack-a-Mole with narcissists that you can never win. 

Trauma Brain FOG

Narcissistic parents conditioned us with toxic shame and FOG, or fear, obligation and guilt. They pirated then damaged our brains to turn on us. So the leveled up shame haunts us in insidious, sneaky ways, like a slow drip of poison corroding our ability to think and feel in healthy ways. All we know are trauma responses of frozen, robotic fawning and people pleasing. I am dogged nightly, all night long by dreams and nightmares of their endless Machiavellian exploitation, narcissistic abuse, neglect of basic care, endangerment and abandonment, scapegoating, triangulation and gaslighting. 

DARVO destabilization

I wake utterly baffled, feeling like I've been letting people down all night long. They're not just dreams. They are memories of the ongoing narcissistic rage and demand cycles. Using parentification and infantilization, gaslighting then DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender) they have convinced my trauma brain that I am the problem and also the one responsible to fix everything. I am responsible mommy and enslaved daughter but never me.  I was the OG  "Broken Vending Machine Child" giving good with no reciprocity and receiving undeserved bad. 

Twisted Future-Faking

Some narcissistic parents use future faking as bread-crumbing to lure the child into a false sense of security. My four malignant narcissist parents used future faking to convince me that I was stupid and would never amount to anything. I see now that this was to render me unfit only for service to them. They made me do all the menial labor and childcare while teaching me no useful skills including self-preservation, safety or stranger danger. I was sent to play alone blocks from home starting at age 4. They designed a future for me where I would be able only to dance like a puppet. 

Destabilized by Deviance

My parents forced me into disgusting, humiliating situations with perverted people and by their lascivious and exhibitionist behavior. My father was a pedophile always going off on "mission trips" with young teens. He dated a 17 y/o when he was 36 and I was 9. My mother carried on numerous adulterous affairs, forced me to hear sex talk and witness her debauched behavior, used me as a sex therapist, all while preaching from the Bible. My mind is scarred by appalling memories of their deviance. The cognitive dissonance of living in a normal world with these abnormal people has caused me to auto-gaslight myself that I did it. My dreams can't sort it out. And my parents were quick to exploit that to paint me as the culprit. 

Deflection and Projection of shame

Narcissistic shame and arrogance plus entitlement plus remorselessness tells narcissists that they are never at fault. So they assign a scapegoat which was me. They lie and deceive the child that she is the real problem. Religious narcissists use the Bible to browbeat the child but they never practice what they preach. And I was the perfect target. Children naturally love and and defend their parents. Very abused kids will body block parents from consequences at their own expense. Malignant parents know and weaponize this to sabotage their children. 

Bespoke Sabotage

Dark tetrad narcissists know just how to destroy you. They gather intel on what you value and use it against you. They violate your trust. They do outrageous things normal parents would  never think to do let alone do. Mine sabotaged me every step of the way. I was ripped randomly out of homes and schools and shuffled around. I lived in 40 different places before age 20 and went to 9 different schools.  My pervy and narcissistic stepfather kicked me out at 16 with my mother's smiling approval. I was yanked out of schools on a whim or because of bad choices on their part. All my life, my mom had me believing I volunteered to switch schools to give her and her boyfriend "private time." They sabotaged my ability to protect or defend myself. They made me a target for bullies, creeps and pedophiles. 

CPTSD nightmare loop 

All night long I dream that I have Herculean tasks to perform, without proper tools, resources or support. I have numberless children put in my care to somehow educate, feed, clothe, protect, you name it. There are mountains of laundry and never-ending chores upon chores to do. I'm always late and in trouble. Scornful people are angry with or mocking me. I AM CONFUSED. I wake with my hands, arms, hips, back screaming in pain, as they always did as a child when these were very real expectations put on me. And they still feel real now. I could sleep all day and still be exhausted. I cannot function in daily life from the overwhelming burden placed on me by dark tetrad parents. 

Disorientation spiral

I really struggle to think clearly. In fact, I don't know what clear thinking is. Simple tasks are difficult. I second-guess myself and am endlessly hypervigilant. I wish I could say it gets better with age, but it doesn't. It gets worse because the confusion from brain damage spirals down on itself. Then factor in betrayal blindness which tells traumatized kids that their parents are loving and trustworthy. Oh do these imposters use that to retraumatize us. It has taken me 62 years to even start to unpack all their abuse and neglect of me. 

Some thoughts on childhood trauma recovery

• Take care of yourself, kiddo. 
• Fake it till you make it. Self-care feels selfish, at first, but only because they told you that. It's not. It's vital to your survival. 
• When you have a choice to follow your wisdom or someone else, like your family system or their enablers, go with yours. It might lead astray but mostly it won't and they ALWAYS will. 
• If it feels good, do it. This mantra has been eschewed as selfish but usually by self-centered hypocrites who take damn good care of themselves and who took shite care of you. 
• Sleep late if you can. You need it.
• Pet cats and soft blankets. 
• Do yoga. 
• Breathe. 
• Play with your grandkids in the woods. Build forts. Have tea parties. 
• Socialize as it feels right to you. 
• Eat when you are hungry. 
• Respect you sense of danger. If something or someone puts up red flags, note it and don't  drive right through. 
• Practice gratitude but also radical acceptance. Thankfulness is fine but don't gaslight yourself that you have to be grateful to hurtful people. That's just hogwash your parents taught you. 
• Go no contact with invalidation and invalidating people as you are able. 

Be a little kinder, be a little less blind

We've always heard this in reference to blindness to faults of others and kinder to them.  I say be less betrayal blind. See it where it exists. You don't have to take revenge but staying a bit angry over hurt that damaged you, will help you get to a safer place of awareness. It will  help you prevent further injury. And kindness to others is great but so is kindness to yourself. 

Love mar.