Why kids of narcissistic parents always seem to be "on": Childhood trauma responses mimic needy attention seeking

 

Hello my friends. Paddling along the stream of consciousness about childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I discovered some interesting dilemmas. Did you ever notice how some children always seem to be "on"? I'm not talking about precocious or theatrical although it is sometimes called that. I mean that we, as children and into adulthood always seem to be very aware of and responsive to other people. Some might say we are "suck ups" (sycophantic and obsequious). Childhood trauma responses mimic needy, attention seeking and even showing off. Unless you know the truth and that's what I'm here to share: Home truths about childhood trauma responses. 

Hyper-awareness of the Audience

The realization that we were "on stage" but the parents weren't applauding, but rather finger-pointing and criticizing, powerfully explains why hypervigilance persists into adulthood—the "audience" is internalized as critical voices in the head. We were being inspected and found wanting. We weren't in the limelight, we were under a microscope. 

It's not performative, it's survival

Have you ever seen that person who always seems to playing to an audience? It could be she's a vain entitled narcissist. But it could that she is the child of one. Children of narcissistic parents act like we're performing because we always had to dance attendance on our arrogant, demanding parents who actually were the attention-seeking show-offs we resemble. You'll see the difference our posture and faces: Theirs is conceited strutting with haughty, smug narcissistic smirk. Ours is groveling, hypervigilant fawn responses with anxious people-pleasing smile.  

We act like everyone's watching because...(drum roll)

They always were! But they weren't applauding, they were finger-pointing and criticizing.  They mobbed us, put us in the middle and jeered at our clumsy efforts to please them. It was our job to serve them, my dad and mom said. But nothing I ever did was good enough, so my stepdad and stepmother gaslit me to believe. So I tried harder to no avail. I begged to be told how to make them happy. They said I should just know and obey.  So I danced faster. Then my dad said I was just an attention-seeking show off. Our narcissistic parents were never satisfied and sometimes, I'd break down crying in frustration. He said I was too sensitive and couldn't take criticism. So yes, we act like we're playing to the crowd. Because their bullying demands follow us everywhere. 

Survival vs. Performance

The distinction between performative attention-seeking and hypervigilant "fawning" responses is profound. Framing the "always on" behavior not as vanity, but as a conditioned response to narcissistic parenting, reframes the trauma.

Zombies in our head

Our narcissistic parents tell us that they and everyone else they enslave us to, is our boss. So I had a lot of supervisors between four parents and their five children. I was subject to all their conflicting expectations, all of which, changed on a whim, and I had to juggle them all like the many-armed goddess. But I wasn't divine, I was just a child. Their voices live rent-free in my head, some long after their deaths. They go everywhere with me, like monkeys on my back. I hear their nasty, nagging voices all day and all night in dreams. Yes, I'm always fawning and people pleasing even now for people who don't expect it. Yes I'm jumpy. I was conditioned to expect kicks, so I jumped, like an abused puppy to I kept silent, yet biddable. 

The "Visibly Invisible" Paradox

The concept of being forced to serve while remaining unseen (the "children should be seen and not heard" double standard) perfectly captures the exhausting, hypocritical tightrope of narcissistic abuse.

Visibly invisible

So I've talked before about this weird backward crab shuffle that I do. It's part servile fawn response bow and scrape and part trying to stay small. No, scratch that, nonexistent. EXCEPT when needed. That is because my narcissistic parents coerced me into behaving like that. I was the servant who must be hypervigilant to "her betters" demands while still being unseen and out of the way. I was told that "children should be seen and not heard." When I WAS 20! They scorned me for participating in dinner conversations, saying I was "butting in" and should just quietly listen! But yet I was expected to be available to  dutifully serve whenever they snapped their fingers. Delusions of "Downton Abbey", much?  Which I just now got is so typically hypocritical of them. Visibly, invisible. Not just a nuisance but also necessary. Talk about double dipping!  

Takeaways for Today

• Listen to what the monkeys are saying. It's okay. I know you're afraid to because you fear they may be right. But they're not. It's nonsense word salad. 
• Begin rewriting your script according to your own characterization. Be your own director. 
• Work it, girl. So it feels like everyone's watching? So dance. Be you. Let your inner whatever you need and want to be, out. Fly your "YOU" flag!