Narcissistic Parents "catfish" their kids with trauma bonded enmeshment

Hello my friends. Today on the path to childhood trauma recovery from narcissistic parent abuse I'm exploring how narcissist parents "catfish" their kids. Using trauma bonding, DARVO, gaslighting, blame-shifting, enmeshment and other Machiavellian tactics, the parent creates not only false persona, but a false reality for the child. 

Narcissist + Catfishing

Catfishing describes deceptive online, predatory behavior through the use of faked profiles and misinformation. It's done to "lure victims" (that's an operative phrase we'll come back to) into financial scams or set-up relationships designed to get something from the victim.  It involves creating a fake identity to attract, manipulate, and control a victim, often by exploiting their vulnerabilities and emotional needs. All of these types of behaviors also define dark tetrad malignant narcissists who are arrogant, manipulative, remorseless, deceitful, entitled and cruel. 

Narcissistic Parent Catfishing

An actual catfishing scheme is usually temporary,  targeted and purpose built. It has a beginning and and end. Narcissistic parent enmeshment is a "long-con" version of catfishing. It is a bespoke, systemic, lifelong pervasive deception where the child victim’s core identity is slowly but surely replaced by the demands of the predator parent. Gaslighting substitutes the "real world" with the parent's narcissistic fantasy land. Trauma bonded betrayal blindness makes it impossible for the child be himself or even know that he is a separate person. When you apply this to a narcissistic parent, the "fake identity" isn't just a fake social media profile; it is a false parental reality.

Element of Catfishing	The Narcissistic Parent Parallel
Creating a False Persona	The parent constructs a false self—the "perfect," "selfless," or "misunderstood" parent—while hiding their true abusive or self-serving motives. She creates a false world where serving her is all that matters. She employs role reversal tactics to present herself as the needy child and the child as her responsible caregiver.
Luring the Victim	Using "love bombing," affection, or gifts to create a strong, dependent emotional bond early on. Future faking then breaking promises. And the parent just having that role, the child naturally is dependent upon her.
Exploiting Vulnerability	Identifying the child’s need for love/approval and making that love conditional upon the child meeting the parent's needs. Empath kids are especially vulnerable to
Trauma Bonding	Cycles of abuse and "kindness" (or intermittent reinforcement) that keep the victim addicted to the parent, despite the pain. And again, just because mom and dad wear the parent hat, the child naturally relies on them to be parents.
Isolation & Control	Just as online catfishers isolate victims from friends, enmeshed narcissistic parents often isolate children from their own autonomy, reality, or other family members. They pit people against the child (triangulation). They exclude and cut them out. They endanger and abandon the child till she's so frightened she clings to whatever breadcrumbing they throw.

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The Long Con Trajectory

Let's explore the intersections of narcissism, gaslighting, catfishing, trauma bonding and enmeshment. These dualities weave together like a rope to trap and hold the child in emotional bondage to the parent. This "rope" chokes off any agency or outside influence. It holds the child's mind hostage so that even if she sees how other kids are treated or hears that her parents are abusive, she can't comprehend that they are wrong. They have destroyed any self-care or protection. This cognitive dissonance forces her into a dissociative state in which she defends the parents and blames herself for not being good enough or making her parents hurt her. 

1. The "Bait and Switch" of Conditional Love

Just as a catfish baits a victim with a fake profile, narcissistic parents "bait" their children with the promise of deep, secure love which is just a natural part of parenting. The child trusts the parent because they are parents. Once the child is bonded and dependent, the parent switches to conditional love, where approval is only granted when the child performs to the parent's standards or serves the parent's emotional needs.

2. The Illusion of "Specialness"

Enmeshment often feels "special" to a child. They may be treated like a confidant, an emotional partner, or a caregiver. Parentification makes the child feel responsible to and for the parent. It confuses the child's natural loving nature. This lulls the child into a false sense of safety which is in fact unsafe. The child is safeguarding the parent's ego by providing narcissistic supply, while the careless, irresponsible parent is keeping the child in a very destabilized situation. Ergo the child become very hypervigilant to keep this fragile homeostasis in place. The child feels necessary and importance. But it is an unnatural parent reliance on her, not her being able to rely on them. The "catfish" element here is that this closeness is not about the child’s well-being; it is a tool to ensure the child remains an extension of the parent. I remember feeling proud that my parents trusted me so much sharing intimate details with me. It took me till 58 years old to realize it wasn't trust it was exploitation. 

3. Rewriting Reality (Gaslighting)

A catfisher relies on the victim not knowing the truth. Similarly, a narcissistic parent relies on the child being too young to understand. And too betrayal blinded to see what's happening for what it is. And too confused to trust their own perceptions. When a child begins to sense something is wrong, the parent may use gaslighting ("You're too sensitive," "That never happened") to maintain the false reality, just as a catfisher uses excuses to keep the truth hidden. The more entangled the enmeshed parent gets, the more of the child they pirate. My parents succeeded in virtually wiping out any sense of self I had and replacing it with themselves. 

4. The "Trauma Bond" as the Trap

The reason victims find it so hard to leave a catfish—and why children find it hard to leave an enmeshed narcissistic parent—is the trauma bond. The emotional intensity of the relationship (the highs of approval and the lows of rejection) creates a powerful a strong, unhealthy attachment to the parent. The deprivation of love and care, increases the child's vulnerability. The constant exhausting parent demands deplete the child's resources. The child becomes a "pawn" in the parent's game, not because they want to be, but because they have been conditioned to believe the parent is their only source of validation. 

5. They steal and destroy everything.  

⚠What narcissistic parents can't take they break. 

They steal the child's childhood, individuality, autonomy, confidence, peace of mind, security. My parents were guilty of identity theft long before there was a word for it.  They resented every good thing I got. They sabotage success with smear campaigns, jealousy and backstabbing. They ruin a child's common sense by gaslighting her that that is stupid or wrong or unchristian. They twist innocent things she does or says to make her feel foolish, deceitful or wicked. They write two sets of rules, one for them, one for her. When she gets it right, they backpedal and move the hoops. They lie about everything. There is breaking even, let alone winning. And is so very exhausting. 

6. Narcissistic parents pervert all the child's natural inclinations

Children are by nature bonded to their parents. They trust them over themselves. We naturally believe our parents can do no wrong. In healthy relationships that trust, love and affirmation is reciprocal. It actually originates with the parent and the child develops by modeling. However that works in reverse with in hypocritical narcissist parents. The parent models disdain, rejection, haughty superiority, blame and shame of the child. And what the child learns, by their treatment of her, is that she is worthless. Narcissistic parents use our innate trust and love against us. They exploit it. 

A Note on Healing

So this is overwhelming, I know. If you've experienced parent "catfishing" you know too. But the good news is that we are now onto them. We see their M.O. Even if the picture is still a little unclear, trust it will get clearer as you learn to overcome betrayal blindness.

I can promise you that this is what is happening with me. Just for today, we will do one nice thing for ourselves. Two would be better! Mine was sitting in the sun, sipping some lemon water and chatting with my grandkids!