Hi friends. I've been listening to many podcasts by psychologists Dr. Ramani, Dr. Les Carter, Danish Bashir, Jerry Wise and Patrick Teahan on narcissists. And all they say line up exactly with the behavior of my four narcissistic parents. Sometimes I find myself finishing their sentences because I can predict based on my experiences. If not pleasant (because narcissistic parent abuse is hell) it's at least reassuring and affirming to know I'm not crazy, too sensitive, lying, showing off, or any other of the gaslighting balderdash my parents would say to invalidate me. Narcissistic parent abuse is real. It has names, identifiable patterns and etiology. It's not me. Or wasn't me as a kid. It's them. But I was still alone in it. We all were.
It's heart-breaking to think of how many abused, wounded, confused and LONELY victims of narcissist parents there have been who silently bled out alone. Who only realized in adulthood (if ever) that the problem wasn't them. Who realized how narrowly they escaped terrible fates because their self-absorbed, center of the universe parents didn't care. It hurts to now know that others experienced this too. I can't speak categorically but for me, knowing other kids were being traumatized on a regular basis, like me, would not have helped. To know I "wasn't alone" in this abuse would have made it worse.
Because it meant others were suffering too and that would make me even sadder. AND others suffering like us doesn't mean we're still not alone. Each of us little souls walked our pain by ourselves. With no one to reach out to. There were other people around which made it worse too because many of them must of seen how we were being treated AND DONE NOTHING. What's the saying? The only way for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing. We were shadows walking among normal people, seeing but not seen. Hearing but not heard. No wonder we are all so shell-shocked.
You can speak till you're blue in the face about there being a higher power, God etc. being there for us. Well, kids and even adults only know what they can see, hear, feel and touch. And I sure didn't feel, hear or see anyone. And please, if you're going to trot out the old "blessed are they who've not seen and yet believed" spare us both. Spare yourself being a clueless, self-righteousness prig and me the further gaslighting. God may have been there and esoterically I accept that. BUT I did NOT know that. So for all intents and purposes, he wasn't.
You can say all you want about how God kept me safe. Maybe he did. More likely, it was just dumb luck I survived all the dangerous situations they put me in. It certainly wasn't due to intelligent design, concerned parenting or careful planning on their part. They went out of their way to make me UNSAFE and INSECURE, leaving me with terrifying people alone in awful circumstances. I have been asked when relating my experiences, whether they didn't in fact WANT to kill me off. Good question. They sure tried hard enough.
The best of parents has to work overtime, double time and weekends to keep their tiny humans alive. There are so terrifyingly many ways kids can get hurt with the most scrupulous of care. Hell, you can bubble wrap them and they could choke on the plastic. But when a malignant, covert, sociopathic narcissist who gives no effs about anyone but herself, has a child, oh the risks are exponential. If you want a safe bet, put your money on that child being harmed or killed. Narcissist parents have terrible track record with their kids.
The fact that I didn't fall in and drown all playing alone down by the docks, at 6. That I wasn't picked up and trafficked walking alone. That I wasn't molested by a pedo playing alone in a park blocks from home at 5. That I didn't die of anthrax from playing with a dead rabbit at four because no one was there to tell me I shouldn't. That I didn't die from my repeated strep throat infections that went ignored. That my neglected tonsils didn't blow and systemically poison me. That her husband didn't burn the house down pouring oil on the fire. That I didn't get hypothermia sleeping on an unheated porch in a Michigan winter. That I didn't get run down walking to school in the dark on the edge of a major road. That I didn't just disappear from the camp they dumped me in at 6 without seeing to it I would be fed or where I'd sleep let alone making sure there was an appropriate adult. I could go on and on.
None of those didn't happen because someone cared. I had no idea where my parents were much of the time. Or where any adult was, come to that. I guess I'm kind of an accidental miracle kid. That children of narcissist parents survive is the surprise. And these are just the deadly ways they hurt us, to say nothing of all the insidious abuse and neglect that adds up and subtracts from us. That wears down our resistance. That strips our resources, our sense of self, our self-care skills our ability to see red flags, our not being afraid to get help. They say kids are resilient. We may be able to bounce back from a few minor bumps and scrapes when someone is there to help. But alone and ignored? nah. We are sitting ducks. And that's just the neglectful things they do to us. I haven't even begun to address the abusive.
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