The sociopathic narcissist parent presents themselves to the child as the keeper of truth. But that's the problem. Their truth was false. My parents made themselves gods to me (and only me, as scapegoat) They demanded unwavering loyalty, worship, reverences, blind obedience to them, plus exoneration from all wrong-doing. They proclaimed to be omniscient, all-knowing. HOWEVER they acted very unGodly wantonly disobeying Bible and moral commands right and left. They lived hypocritically, with two very distinct set of rules, one for me, one for them. And both were as far from the Bible as could be.
The religious sociopathic narcissist parent exploits and weaponizes scripture to suit their self-serving narrative. They made up rules as they went along, reneged on promises, changed rules on a whim, kept me dancing to please them. They literally believed that amid all their very immoral behavior, that they were preachers, with full dispensation to TELL other people how to live. HOWEVER they showed a completely opposite life. My father abandoned me at 6, in Alaska, because God told him to go tell other people how to live. He used to tell me about how he planned to commit suicide. He at 36, took me on dates with his 17 y/o gf. My mother used to sleep around while married to and after divorce from my dad. She told me (yes she forced her 8 year old to hear about her sex life) she did this to "win them over to Christ." Shagging to save souls. No words. I'm surprised my computer hasn't caught fire typing this.
The sociopathic narcissist parent destroys any real notion of God for their scapegoat child by posing as God while being very evil AND holding the child to horrific double standards. They baffled the hell out of me with all their pontificating and preaching while living such wicked lies and lives. They had me choked with guilt and shame that God supposed put on me. They bound me to terrible burdens and were more mercilous, spiteful, vengeful and unjust than any god, pagan or otherwise that I've ever read of. At least Baal had one set of rules and didn't punish people for following him. But narcissist parents do. It's damned if you do or don't. Just when you get the hang of pleasing them they change the rules and punish you for not keeping up.
Sociopathic narcissist parents deny you, your basic worth, your voice, your you-ness, your self, even your existence. They are child deniers like those Holocaust denier nutballs. You do not exist as a person. Apparently God lied when he said you were his child, according to your parents. You're not their child, their responsibility simply because they are God and they say so (remember their self-styled truth keeper role). You exist to serve them. You are a prop, a tool. And if they decide that you are no longer of use, they erase you and your memory of the you you once were. My memories of childhood are as battered and barmy as a WW1 soldier with shell shock. They have gaslit so much much that everything in my head is the Somme on Nov. 11. When they remarry , they rewrite you out of their lives as if you never existed. Because to them you didn't. They abandon, neglect, abuse and endanger you, hoping, I don't know, that you'll be killed and they won't have to think about you anymore. Problem solved.
HOWEVER, don't forget, they call the shots and change rules at a whim. So when they decide to, like when they require your services, they write you back into their lives. But not in your role as child. A role you never had, just a subordinate. A subject. But now, because they say so, you are an unpaid servant. And they treat you with the same disdain as any bad king to his subjects. They keep you in appalling conditions and make you to unspeakable things. They steal from you because you aren't a person. You own nothing. It's all theirs.
Malignant narcissist parents owe you nothing. You owe them everything. Again, they are your gods. I was to bow, scrape, jump joyfully to serve them. And if I wasn't smiling broadly enough, my dad beat me. I'm serious. He spit in my face he was so enraged. After he sent me, at 15, to go to his baby son's room, not mine. And I didn't move fast enough. I guess. They didn't owe me a proper bedroom, food, clothing, bed, anything. I was supposed to be eternally grateful for all they supposedly did for me and I was to serve them endlessly by doing all the chores. I have the same spinal damage as children in impoverished countries who lug water and herd cows. And we lived in middle class America. So much for the land of the free.
HOWEVER, it wasn't enough that I just live as their slave. Oh no. Malignant narcissist parents play one endless game of humiliate, blame, shame, DARVO, lather rinse repeat. Not only was nothing I did good enough, it was smeared in my face what a letdown I was. When I was mopping the floor on my hands and knees with a damn toothbrush. I shit you not. When my dad's wife was pissed off and she was always pissed off, I was her target. My dad would hint that "maybe Mary could help." Then he'd invite her to think of even more things I could do for her. If I objected, I was being selfish and disobedient. She would smirk and deign to lower herself (weary hand to forehead) to think up some nonsense work to add to my list. How I got such good grades is a miracle as I couldn't get to my homework till I was exhausted.
If I asked how it was to be done I was told "what's wrong with you?! You should just know!" And if I asked if I did it right, "stop looking for attention or praise. You should do a good job without expecting anything!" If I felt sad after being scolded over some minor or non-existent flaw I was told "You're too sensitive. You can't except constructive criticism." Except they never said what was wrong with what I did. So it wasn't constructive just attacking. If I smiled because, silly me, I thought I did a good job, I was told " you're arrogant and showing off! You should be ashamed!" (I was).
There is no winning with malignant narcissistic parents, there's only endless losing for the scapegoat. They pimp themselves and their golden children posturing as these good Christians. All they while they spread rumors about you and leverage your mistakes. They exploit you misfortunes for personal gain. They exaggerate, weaponize and herald any wrong doing on your part. They actually like you to fail or look like you are failing because they think it distracts from their own failures. And most people are too self-involved to offer you any help. You just quietly drown in all their muck.
Malignant narcissist parents keep you subordinate by keeping you dependent and confused. They steal from you: money, possessions, self, rights. They condition you to expect things to disappear without warning so you never question where the heck all your toys went? Why you have no memory of a bed or bedroom. They cut you short, neglect your needs and medical care. They subject you to abominable living conditions. Mine didn't even keep a roof over my head. For most of my life, I've squatted. I've couch surfed, slept on the floor next to the baby's bed, in a tent, on a camp cot, on a cold floor, on a fold out couch, with four special needs kids, on unheated porches. I've been kicked out been homeless. I've been shunted between 40 different "homes." I've been so hungry I stole food. I lived out of my car at 17. The only consistency was inconsistency, chaos and deprivation.
Malignant narcissist parents keep you subordinate with undeserved shame. They mock you to your face and behind your back. My mothers' boyfriend sexually harassed me calling me "blisters" and she cackled right along. He told filthy gross jokes in front of me and she never once told him to stop. My dad turned a blind eye to a Playgirl magazine circulated at a party and scolded me for looking at it. But they are quick to run you into the ground. They lie and make shit up. They conspire with others, to smear you. They announce at family gatherings, mortifying things about you like getting pubic hair.
They cruelly gossip, making sure to "ever so kindly and gently in a spirit of love" (bullshit) emphasize your faults and downplay or ignore all the good you do. They use a lot of exaggeration and generalization. My mother in law would say "She (meaning me) never lets my son call me. (lie, he doesn't want to call you because you're so vicious). "She tries to keep us apart. I don't know why?" (Cue the pity play). I think she and my son are probably having problems. (Spreading rumors) She's very difficult to live with and can be very nasty." (Omitting the part where I cared for her throughout her illness.)
My mom, dad and stepmom would shame and humiliate me publicly because my husband and I "had problems." Meanwhile they all hated each other and my dad wanted to commit suicide on the buddy plan with stepmommy. But make sure to keep focus on Mary and Albert who are only having problems because you lot gave then nothing but grief and piss poor examples.
Malignant narcissist are both defensive and offensive as hell. All through my life, there was no discipline in the healthy sense. Only hitting, attacks, screaming cruel rages, belittling, insults, mockery, fault finding, nitpicking, harassment, bullying, sarcasm, threats, intimidation, terrorizing. Yet they go into a towering rage if anyone, no matter how kindly, mentions the slightest thing about them. They take offense over nothing. They whine, pout, sulk, hold grudges, rail and rage. Then they tell me I'm to defensive and can't take constructive criticism when it is completely destructive and nothing like constructive.
They frustrate, annoy, hurt, upset, rattle, backstab, ambush, humiliate, make fun of and do everything they can to piss you off. And then when you show the tiniest upset, they attack you for being angry. My perpetually petulant stepmother told me I had an anger problem. My permanently pissed off dad who had enslaved me to him and his new family, sent me to counseling for anger management. Joke was on him when the minister called them in to confront them with things I'd inadvertently said in therapy. I was told I was disloyal by "not keeping family secrets" and not sent back. The abuse escalated after that. So even that came back to bite me.
Narcissistic parents parentify and infantilize simultaneously. Every idea I shared, every accomplishment was invalidated. I was scoffed at and ridiculed. I was expected to act like an adult as a child but treated like a child through adulthood. Since I was 13, I had to co-sleep with their babies. I raised them, looked after them and did for them. BUT I was not given any authority, even as an adult. I was given all responsibility with no power or resources. I was left with them and then scolded for correcting them (far more respectfully and maturely than I had ever been corrected, I might add). Then, as an adult, my dad said to me when I politely participated in a conversation, "don't interrupt us. The adults are speaking. 😳He would send me to my room. Or actually the baby's room.
They scapegoat and make the child feel responsible for all their problems and even their own bad choices. They refuse to admit personal failures. Blame shift, accuse in condescending way. Shame and scold angrily. They DARVO deny, attack reverse victim offender. When they have actually hurt you. Because everything is flip-flopped with malignant narcissistic parents.
I told my husband that the only way to understand my life is to reverse everything you know or believe. about right and wrong. What is good for others is bad for me. What is bad for others is good for me. Malignant parents do bad and call it good. And call the good the child does, bad. Right and healthy are wrong for the child. She should not expect that. She should tolerate and allow bad people to do bad things to her. She should let creepy pervs do what they want to her. She should never call them out but should just roll over and be abused. This, they say, is God's will HOWEVER, remember, they are god. Or so they've said. And this we know to be heresy. So when they said I was disobeying god, they were giving themselves away. I wasn't disobeying God or even them. I learned all their toxic lessons all too well and am paying the price now. BUT They were disobeying because what they said was wrong and contrary to God.
They were leading a child astray. They didn't care for me. They neglected and abused me. They let dangerous people hurt me. They abandoned me. Let's look at the bible on that. 1 Timothy 5:8 clearly states that anyone who does not provide for their dependent children, is worse than an unbeliever.
Colossians 3:21 tells parents not to "provoke" exasperate or antagonize them, lest they become discouraged. Well, St. Paul got that right. Discouraged is my middle name, thanks Dad. Parents are told to "train up a child in the way he should go" not to serve their own agenda. They're to bring us up in the "discipline and instruction of the Lord."
And as for this gaslighting that my parents new partners were my parents, bosses, etc. And that I was responsible to and for them and was to serve them and obey them, uh-uh. When they ruptured and destroyed my family, they left me to bleed alone. I got no help whatsoever, just their new partners shoved in my face. So anything I owed them was just more of my parents self-serving heresy. The Bible doesn't say anything about step parents because the Bible doesn't recognize them period. And certainly not as authority figures over the child. The parent is sinning by twisting scripture to suit their purposes again and making false gods for the child. As I think about it, it was a form of idolatry of them I was expected to practice.
They set me to burdens they didn't put on themselves or help me carry. By making me the scapegoat and responsible for their problems, they put a millstone around my neck and pushed me over the cliff. They forced unmerited guilt and shame on me by lying and shifting blame for their wrong on me. They caused me to stumble and trip over their false teachings. They showed me a false face of God and so sabotaged my relationship with Him. Not that God was wrong but that they perverted my understanding of God to serve their own selfishness. And so, not to mix a metaphor, the bible says, it would be better for them to have millstones around their necks.
And this is the key to the conundrum. This may be what reverses the damaged relationship. Malignant narcissists aren't righteous. They are self-righteous. Operative word, self. AKA right by their own shifting double standards. They don't follow God as I've shown. They follow their own selfish desires. And remember, right is wrong and vice versa with them. They speak out of both sides of their mouths and act disingenuously. They lie, keep secrets, hide, evade, twist, distort, deceive, thwart, confuse, change the signs, derail. All these things are evil, not good.
And so, getting back to the religious abuse, it is the worst forms of their gaslighting. The utter hypocrisy of claiming to be Christian while leading their child astray. Claiming all the perks without the work. Putting themselves as gods. Demanding that the child do and be all for them so they can live as they wish. Denying scriptural commands. Preaching to others while living so counter to God. I feel heretical even mentioning them in the same sentence as God. I mean for crying out loud. This type of behavior, this vain posing as God is what got Lucifer chucked out of heaven! And superimposing oneself on a child as god, in place of the real god and then twisting truth and deceiving the child is a plus-sized mortal sin. It's probably the worst of sins.
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