Hello my friends. Today in the childhood trauma recovery path, I'm exploring some surprise ways to to deal with irritated, irritating people without getting triggered into childhood trauma responses. These are surprising because they go against preconceived notions and social conventions.
Don't tell them how you feel.
People who are perpetually p-o'd don't care about your feelings. They care about their "right" to be p-o'd. These often arrogant, narcissistic people who don't care about your right to peace of mind. They minimize what they do, tell you you're overreacting, then overreact to anything you may do in response with, wait for it, irritation. There's no winning, only tolerating or not. They don't care how you feel or if it triggers you. In fact, they'll make fun of you for using words like "trigger" calling it "pop psychology" or other nonsense. Which is ironic because she's always triggered and flying off the handle. She just dishes it out without taking it. She'll weaponize your childhood trauma to traumatize you further. It's like the Limu Emu--you can ask him to stop but he's not going to.
No, you aren't failing to "communicate."
I just shake my head at the times when, even psychologists will ask you, "have you tried communicating your feelings?" Really, Sherlock? I've been communicating with them since before you were born. And they aren't listening because, see above. The more I say, the more pissy they get. As I said before, there's no winning. They only stop when THEY get sick of it. Or when they've gotten their hit of narcissistic supply or adrenaline rush of venting on you. The only way I know of to avoid the toxic spray is to get out of its path. Read the signs and when they look ready to blow, find another place to be.
No, they don't have doctor's slip
It's also crazy the amount of excuse-making these unpaid flying monkeys will do to defend the problem. Maybe he is stressed? Yep so am I, with my own stressors plus having to deal with his uncontrolled behavior. Maybe she has some kind of medical condition that makes her act that way. Maybe. But she also has choices. She doesn't have to lash out. She chooses to. He doesn't have to pout or rant or sulk. He could try being kind and decent, like I do when I'm stressed or struggling with the multitude of health issues that his anger has caused me.
Beware of medicine or psychology.
I don't have good experiences with either of these. All psychologists want to talk about is what I'm doing about it. Which makes sense except when it doesn't. If you've tried every way possible and it's not improving, it's not a you thing it's an angry person thing. And, if you try to diagnose, you'll be told even by professionals that you can't diagnose a medical problem because you aren't qualified. Well, if living with it for 62 years isn't qualified I don't know what is.
Don't "rise above"
When you talk about coping skills for others' anger or irritation, you'll hear how important it is to "rise above" whatever that means, I don't know and neither does the person saying it. Anger begets angers. What goes around, comes around, sooner or later. No matter how calm you stay, sooner or later, you'll crack if you have to be around toxic anger or chronic irritation. Fact. There's no place you could rise to escape it. What you can do is "float." Imagine yourself riding a calm river past the shitshow the perpetually p-o'd one is creating. You can "observe, but not absorb." If you haven't caused the anger, it's not your problem. Even if you have said something that set them off, how they react is their choice. They don't live in this bubble-wrapped world where they get to unload on others with no repercussions.
Don't "be the bigger person."
That's toxic victim-shaming horse manure. You already are the bigger person just by not doing those things. You couldn't be mature, broad-shouldered or thick-skinned enough to weather another person's constant anger. And your being the bigger person just incenses them and drags them even deeper into the shame cycle. Plus it's kind of self-righteous, condescending energy. What you can do is grey rock. Stay small and quiet. Don't say anything. Don't engage. Don't JADE (justify, answer, defend or explain) yourself. But I do warn you, this isn't sustainable over the long haul. It's for emergencies only. If you have to do this on a regular basis, you're going to resent it after awhile, as well you should. If God had wanted us to be silent rocks he wouldn't have made us of flesh with voices.
Don't take the BAITTTTT
BAIT stands for Bullying, Antagonizing, Isolating and Targeting/Trapping/ Threatening/Terrorizing/Triggering. It's what abusively angry people do to corner you and provoke you into a fight. They're a hot mess dysregulating all over the place and they know it. So they set traps to snare you into their user-generated mess. Don't fall for it. You're not the problem nor do you have to be the solution. Sitting alone, feeling their own discomfort, is the only way for them to maybe get down off this arrogant high horse they go around on and get their shit together.
Respect goes both ways.
We're told, wrongly as it happens, that we must always respect the other person. But respect is not an entitlement. It's earned. I was hounded as a child to "honor your parents" when all I ever did was to honor them while they did NOT honor me. I obeyed disobedient people. I respected disrespectful people. And then we're not told what respect is supposed to look like. So those of us with the fawning childhood trauma response, think it means tolerating abuse. Be careful of people who demand respect without earning it. They are usually arrogant narcissists. Normal don't talk it, they show it.
Don't fall for euphemisms
I find myself doing this all the time, calling anger, rage, fury and verbal assault, "irritation." That's one mind trick angry people use. Also, calling them anger issues, can be a minimizing tactic. Angry people have no issue with their problem. They feel loudly and proudly entitled to venom-spray. They're only "sorry" when their spleen is spent. Then they wave the "forgiveness" card in your face, like it's something they are owed. They talk a lot about changing but most of it is future faking. They make excuses like that exonerates them. But it doesn't heal they harm they've done to their victims.
Stand your ground.
Don't let them rewrite the narrative or DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender). Be rubber, not glue. Let their anger bounce off you and back to them. Or better yet, don't be in the way of the ball. Please, use me as an example of what not to do. All my life, I've been the glue for everyone else's anger. I let them angrily accuse me of being the angry one. I felt so much shame and guilt for things I didn't do. But that's how gaslighting works--by confusing memory, conflicting stories, undermining confidence and destabilizing you.
Shun and banish shame
My own childhood trauma at the hands of abusive, malignant narcissistic parents put a target on my back for more abuse. Being an empath and very conscientious, I took criticism very seriously, too seriously in fact. When my mom said I should be ashamed of myself (for what she didn't says) I was. All the time. When my dad shamed me for being too sensitive and a show off attention seeker, I made sure to not show any emotion or self-confidence. I let a bullying passive-aggressive stepmom browbeat me into abject servitude with my dad looking on approvingly. I let an aggressive, bullying stepfather terrorize me with my mom looking on approvingly. Now all that malignancy lives rent-free in my memory. So I am working to evict that shame for good.
Keep your own counsel.
I also made the mistake of sharing too much of this with emotionally unstable people. And it was weaponized against me. I did too much JADE. I let them tell me how it was. I let them define and limit me. I'm learning now to just quietly know what I know. And be who I am. And own my feelings, thoughts, needs and wants. And reach a hand back to be for your inner child what nobody was for you, a loving hand to hold.
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