Closing the door is easy. Leaving it closed harder.
A survivor of narcissistic parent abuse gets really used to being the scapegoat wedge in the door. We body block their attempts to slam it in our faces. We keep holding the door open and they keep slamming it on our hands. We excuse, exonerate, exempt them from consequences at our expense. Then they gaslight us with this weird convoluted DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender) about how we have to "forgive and forget" what they aren't sorry for and have no intention of changing. We're told we are the problem but also that we have to fix what they broke. So I did, until one day I stopped and cut ties. But leaving that door shut is harder because auto-gaslighting and self-blame-shaming nags me that leaving the door closed is disrespectful and disloyal. Let's just sit with the irony of that.
But if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.
Radical acceptance requires radically different behavior. And that means setting boundaries, detachment and not enabling them to abuse me by staying silent or remaining in contact. I was was groomed to be the Broken Vending Machine Child who endlessly paid out goodies with no reciprocity. Childhood trauma responses made me into a fawning people pleaser who never expected anything but pain, humiliation, shame, parentification, invalidation and gaslighting in return. Abandonment, endangerment, chaos, neglect and mistreatment were a Tuesday, for me. So not groveling, rolling over for abuse, providing narcissistic supply at my own expense is very unfamiliar and uncomfortable. But then, narcissistic abuse is more uncomfortable. So I have to...
Anticipate pitfalls in going no contact.
- Mark the fraught days on the calendar. Birthdays, holidays, Mother's Day, Father's Day.
- Be prepared for sneak attacks from your estranged narcissistic parents. They love to spin silly narratives and play victim. Stand your ground. Ignore calls and texts.
- Be careful who you tell. Narcissistic parents have an incredible ability to recruit people.
- Be prepared for enablers and flying monkey ambushes. But also don't let them break you down. If they can't respect your boundaries, cut ties with them too.
- Don't fall for the "two sides to every story" nonsense. Yep there's the right one and the wrong one. You didn't sign up for any of this.
- Hold onto your anger. What I mean is, remember what they did and why you had to cut ties. Don't be too quick to forgive and never forgive in the "wipe the slate clean" way. Because they expect absolution with no contrition and take advantage of your forgiveness to hurt you more. These hypocritical grudge-holders play by two sets of rules, demanding carte blanche for themselves while being merciless with you.
- Beware of requests to talk about it. It will devolve into their
- pity parties
- blame and shame fests
- whine and dump sessions
- gaslighting
- future faking
- blindsiding
- entrapment
- projection
- Beware of fake offers of reconciliation. There's nothing to "reconcile" because it abuse isn't a fight. It's an attack. There's only contrition and apologies. But those are usually fake too. Narcissists aren't sorry, they're setting you up. They expect you to cave. You'll end up apologizing for things you didn't do and which they did to you. If they want to apologize, they can write you a letter. Which you can read, or you don't have to. But watch out because these "confessions" are usually just more sneak attacks.
They carved abuse on my heart and soul and it can never be erased, sadly for me.
Remember, that for self-protection against narcissistic abuse, there is no option but to keep yourself out of the abuser's path. I'm holding space for you as you do.
Love, mar
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