Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm looking at how these self-centered, entitled people use "depression" and guilt feelings to control their scapegoat child. I'll explore how narcissist parents dump their feelings on the child, make her feel responsible and then exploit and manipulate the child's empathy and compassion.
First, we know that narcissists feel very entitled, arrogant and above normal rules, while holding others' to rigid expectations they themselves don't follow. They are demanding and their only concern is how anything affects them. They are also emotionally shallow, remorseless, show little empathy, vain and too aware of themselves. This self-absorption makes them behave awkwardly, especially the vulnerable "pouty" narcissists.
They don't like not being the center of attention. They are jealous and competitive. This makes them do other odd things to get noticed. They are also quick to take offense at perceived slights, such as being treated like one of the group rather than the star attraction. Their sense of superiority makes them bombastic, loud, scornful, pompous, theatrical and just too much.
They are bottomless pits that can never be filled. So because no one can ever give them all they demand, they are continually hurt, angry and disappointed. They expect preferential treatment, and to have their opinions heard above everyone else's. They act like everyone is watching them at every moment. They're always "on." And if someone should check them or just give them a kind of funny look, or simply ignore them, they overreact. Because they are also hyper sensitive to criticism. So they want attention but only how and when they want it.
So they're either flying on a narcissistic supply high or enraged at some narcissistic injury. This is not a real injury. It's either the perceived slight or the logical consequences of their ridiculous posturing or hurtful thing they did in their entitlement. And if you think it's confusing as an adult to figure them out, try being their scapegoat or truth teller child. Narcissistic parents are the most bewildering and exhausting people to deal with. They never just are. It's a constant three ring circus.
As you might imagine, this inflated ego behavior, paranoia and exaggeration doesn't fit well in society. People don't line up with the narcissist's crazy expectations. And some people outright tell the narcissist off. But since narcissists also believe they are invincible, they have to go somewhere with the discomfort, embarrassment, shame, guilt, humiliation they feel. And guess who they dump on? Yep, the most vulnerable person, their child. They rage at, blame, counter-shame, gaslight, lie, distort, shame dump, humiliate, mock and do all the things they believe have been done to them. Hell hath no fury like a vulnerable narcissist. And they are all vulnerable when things don't go their way.
And if it's bad for a child, it's torment for an empathic child. The narcissist parent utilizes the child to stroke her bruised ego and prop her up. The narcissist father uses his child as a punching bag and the empath child allows this because it is all she knows and because mom or dad "needs" her. So this still-developing kid, with no tools or wherewithal, is expected to fix by magic what her narcissist parents broke. They literally whine, like toddlers. They piss and moan and sulk and tantrum. And the guilt-ridden, burdened child rushes to soothe them. Before the child can read, she's been carrying mommy and daddy as if she is the parent. But yet, they still retain this notion that they are her moral authority. After all, they are the parents. But they are very "eclectic" shall we say, in how they use it.
They make up rules and then change them. They don't follow them because they are above that. If they're Christian narcissist parents, oh God help you. Everything is twisted, convoluted and muddied. To them, morality, rules, mores, Biblical teaching, just plain common sense, is all optional, like a buffet. They pick and choose for themselves, taking the bits they like, the convenient parts and then heaping the child's plate to overflowing with demands, rules, thou-shalt-nots. And they DO NOT MODEL anything but chaos and hypocrisy.
So the child the narcissist parents are supposed to protect, is not only not protected, she is landed with all this adult "goo" which she has no idea what to do with. And because they have not cared for, protected, nurtured or even given bare minimum to the child, she has limited resources and NO self-care skills. Remember the narcissist parent mantra. Self-care for the child is selfish. Needs, wants, feelings, are "showing off" and "attention seeking." Being unable is being unwilling, disobedient, disloyal, etc. They have a comeback for everything and pretty soon, the child is painted in a corner.
As you might imagine, all this abuse, neglect, exploitation, abandonment, endangerment, parentification, invalidation and gaslighting takes its toll on the child. In so many ways. Her health suffers. She's clumsy, disoriented, confused, tired, hungry, lonely, cold, ashamed. She can't resist if she even knew how or that she could. And that's exactly where the narcissist parent wants the child, helpless and hopeless, beaten down, run down, cowed and exhausted. And then they say she's "showing off" or throwing a pity party when she hits bottom.
And they strategically dump and dump all their earned and deserved guilt, shame, censure on her who has not earned them and does not deserve them. When a narcissist parent is depressed, does he seek help? NO. He traumatizes his child with threats of suicide and then waltzes off leaving her, literally, for months at a time, alone. Mother dumps all her sexual immorality, cheating, affairs, boyfriends, sex life exploits on her 8 year old. They both use her not only as therapist but toxic waste dump, whipping girl and sacrificial lamb.
My dad was continually unloading on to me about feeling depressed and guilty. And he should have felt guilty. He was negligent and abusive. He refused to work and I went without. Not anyone else, just me. He used me as live-in free nanny, servant to his wife and kids, chief cook and bottle washer. He raged at me when he was angry with them. He never asked about me or I felt. Never defended me against my mom and her abusive husband. Or against his new wife and kids. Nor did they with him.
But he was always very loudly demanding and arrogant. He didn't act depressed or anxious at all. Just vengeful and resentful when he didn't get his way. And then after raging, he'd switch tacks and moan about how no one understood him. How Gram and Gramp were "too critical" of him. And I'd have to quick jump to placate this man who has just finished ATTACKING ME! But the only one I ever remember being criticized was me.by him. He showed no sympathy or compassion, just harsh judgement over the most ridiculous things. And he never apologized or admitted to any wrong. He kept the focus entirely on himself, either as authoritarian dictator or pitiful victim. And used his supposed depression as leverage to keep me subservient to him. He just dumped.
And what's a kid supposed to do with that? Well, I know what I did. I absorbed it all. I felt all the compassion for them, and they showed none for me. It physically hurt me to think my mommy or daddy felt sad. And they weaponized that for all it was worth. I thought it was my duty to let them. I owed them just for the privilege of being born. Hmm, some privilege. It felt more like a curse. Or that I was cursed or was the curse. I never told anyone about my very real deep depression, I mean how could I when daddy was so "sad"? And ironically, the few times I could not hide it, he got angry and said I was just showing off and looking for pity. As if!
I never told a living soul about the crippling guilt I felt at being unable to please unpleasable parents. How sorry I was for being such a let down. No matter how hard I tried I never seemed to do anything right. And they were quick to confirm that I really was the source of all their combined and separate problems. The church teaches that despair is a sin. But what do you do as a child when you are forced to despair and told you're worthless? What do you do when they make you believe you are in the way, a burden a nuisance. When they begrudge you every breath? They don't say it but they sure make you know they'd be better off with you dead.
I can't to describe how close I came so many times, to making that happen for them. Where my dad just threatened me with ending it all, I contemplated it and told no one. The fact that I am still here today says something given the amount of despair heaped on me. So I guess I have accomplished something. Even if it's just keeping myself alive.
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