Hi friends. So I've discussed this before but it sadly needs repeating. How Christian teaching on forgiveness DARVO's children of narcissist parents. And maybe everyone. What I mean is that forgiveness as preached by the church is often completely contraindicated in what is a dangerous relationship. Because it DARVO's--denies responsibility, then attacks the real victim while also reversing victim offender roles. And I will take it one step farther. Jesus never intended or even said we should forgive the way most Christians say we should.
So you know the drill on forgiveness. We who have been hurt are supposed to extend it to those who have hurt us. Sounds great in theory. Kind of. But does it? To me it sounds like a recipe for repeat offending with no accountability, remorse, repentance, reconciliation, restitution or change. And to a narcissist parent, being forgiven is nothing more than a free pass to keep on hurting unchecked. They believe it is their right to do as they wish and always being exonerated.
They tell the child it is expected of her, that she "owes" them. My dad used to tell me that "it doesn't matter what anyone does to you. You must always do the right thing." That there is no excuse or reason for anything less than perfect behavior. Perfect according to his definition for me but not for himself or his wife or children. He gaslit me with supposed Bible teaching which he was correct about in some ways but not living. What he was doing was DARVO. He gaslit me that they who were persecuting me were the victims because I was so "unforgiving." Despite the fact that I never once held a grudge against anyone, especially not any of my family.
And church teaching actually does perpetuates the DARVO process for the entitled narcissist. And as the narcissist does with everything else, she weaponizes this apparent Godly approval of her bad behavior. With the heavy emphasis on forgiveness, it puts the responsibility on the victim of abuse for fixing what they did not break. And behaviors the offender has no intention of changing. The offender doesn't even admit they did anything wrong. In fact, they usually lie and twist it around to make themselves the victim. By omitting the necessary requirements for forgiveness, it gives them permission to keep up their bad behavior.
So you might argue, well, that isn't the intention of the church. But again, I question, is it? Are they softly turning a blind eye to sin by guilting the victim into feeling obliged to forgive despite no sign of remorse or change in the perpetrator's actions? Yes, I think they are. Because victims are already vulnerable and are an easy target for one thing. We are already too cowed by ruthless people. So we line right up for hurt thinking that this is God's will for us.
Now why is that? It's the way the church approaches sin committed against people. And the order of operations which they get wrong. Almost complete emphasis is put on forgiveness while curiously little is said about how we hurt each other. In the Catholic church for example (and protestants are the same just with a different game plan), there's a lot of talk about confessing your sins to God or the priest or whatever, but almost none about confessing TO THE PERSON YOU HURT. They just overlook the part of reconciliation where we must reconcile with the injured party. It's just not built into the teaching the way Jesus did it.
Confession the way the church presents it, is touted as being so good for the person confessing. But then the biggest part, which the Bible commands, is completely ignored. The conditions of forgiveness, and yes there are conditions, are ADMISSION OF CULPABILITY, REPENTANCE, REFORMATION, AND CONTRITION PLUS RESTITUTION TO THE PERSON HURT. Yes forgiveness even by God is conditional. It is not an expectation, right or free gift or any of the nonsense mainline churches put out. It must be earned.
It's so out of balance that it has become verboten almost to even mention this part. We're forbidden to ask each other about confession like its contents are sealed. They are not. The seal of the confessional does not extend to the victims. We have a right to know what exoneration our perpetrators were given. WE are the ones who were primarily affected by it. Sinning against God really only involves sin against each other. As he says, whatever you do to the littlest, the most vulnerable, you do to me.
It's like there's a group gaslighting to keep this part hush hush. And the biggest victim of this gaslighting, by the perpetrator and by the church is the victim of the sin. If you think about this, it's really hellish. Everyone acts as if it's fine for her to repeatedly victimized by arrogant entitled people. That whatever they do is fine because they told God they were sorry. They don't owe her anything. IT IS NOT and THEY DO.
Think how much deadly power this puts in the hands of arrogant people. They already feel entitled to things they aren't. These disrespectful people feel they are owed respect they didn't earn because they are special. They're owed absolution, special dispensation, diplomatic immunity just because of their self-styled importance. They claim all kinds of things for themselves which they withhold from the truly deserving. They bind people up to burdens they don't carry. And they do not acknowledge or repent from their sins. They just take forgiveness as their right without doing anything God said to do. They are not sorry. They are proud and haughty and unbending.
And the poor victim lets herself be beaten down and made to feel responsible for her own persecution. And she can forgive all she wants and they are just going to keep doing it. So actually, forgiveness as is excusing, exonerating, overlooking is bad for them and her. I personally don't think that any of these were what God had in mind. But people do love to pick and choose and pervert for their own ends.
I consider myself a Christian but I see the problems with Christianity as preached today. And not gonna lie, especially with so many ministers caught in grievous mortal sin, it looks like religion is covering for a lot of abusive people and giving them the green light to keep on abusing. The church needs to take a hard look at what Jesus is actually saying about forgiveness and repentance. Because the way it's being done now, by all denominations, it's verging on apostacy.
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